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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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-[announcer] Give it up for Liza Treyger!
-[audience cheering]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["What I Want" by MUNA playing]

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♪ I'm gonna take a shot ♪

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♪ 'Cause that's just
What I want, want, want

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♪ What I want, want, want… ♪

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Oh, yes. Hi!

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[cheering continues]

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Thanks.

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All right, all right, all right. [laughs]

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-Thank you for being here. Yay!
-[cheering stops]

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So happy you're all here.
Okay, wow, it got quiet really fast.

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[all laughing]

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You were really loud and then… Wow.
Uh, quick silence. Uh…

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I guess we'll start off…

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I just… This is like a litmus test for me.
Just to make sure we're on the same page.

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Um, is there anything worse

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than when you find out someone you love
loves the Lord?

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-Ugh!
-[audience laughs]

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Nothing worse
when you're at dinner with a friend

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and then they slowly
bow their head to pray,

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and it's like, I've seen you
eat pills off the floor.

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What… What are you doing? [chuckles]

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You told me you Eiffel-Towered someone
with your cousin.

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-Like, what?
-[audience laughing]

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When did you get so spiritual?

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Pick up your chin,
we're at a Popeyes. That's enough.

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That's enough.
Disrespectful to your God, honestly.

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Uh… [laughs]

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This is huge.
It is really wild to, like, think

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that people are gonna be
watching this at home?

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while also watching, like,

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videos on their phone
of rugs getting power-washed.

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-You know, that's…
-[audience laughing]

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To compete with a rug is tough.

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And you know what, 'cause we love it.

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We love that fucking dirty water. [moans]

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[laughs]

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Do you think, um, your rug is like,
"Wow, that looks nice."

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"That looks so nice."

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I wish… I wish I was, like,
that clean. Um…

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So, the fucked up thing,

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everyone says that
phones really divide us and isolate us,

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but we're all watching the same things.

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It's actually quite beautiful, right?
Like, are you not…

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You're all watching, um, videos of
horse hooves getting cleaned out, right?

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[audience laughing]

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Yeah, it's sick.

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As a child, if someone told you
your one source of joy

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will be watching a horse you don't know
get its hoof cleaned, like…

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It's wild, but we're satisfied.
We love it.

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[laughing] It's so good.

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My favorite genre, I would say,
of Internet video is, I love when…

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I love watching women reuniting
with lions from their past.

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-That's…
-[audience laughing]

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That's my favorite.

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You know, it's a zookeeper type of woman.

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Um, there's the khaki,
there's a low ponytail, and…

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[audience laughs]

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She's just so excited.

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She's saved up for years and, like…
Zookeepers don't get paid well.

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And so, she finally gets to go see
these lions again,

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and she is just so fucking hopeful,
pumped, excited.

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And the lions are… They're lions.
They don't know what's about to happen.

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And so, the lions are hanging,

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and the lion and the woman
do eventually make eye contact,

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and it is really beautiful.
I'll be the lion, okay?

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So, the lion's here,
and then the lion's like…

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"Bitch!" [screams]

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"Is that you? Uh…" [laughs]

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And then it's amazing, and the lion runs,
um, but your nervous 'cause it's a lion.

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But then…

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It's so nice you learn
powerful paw, gentle touch.

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-[audience laughs]
-And…

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Oh, yeah. Like… Men are like,
"What do women want?"

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Th-- This. That's what we want.

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Just like do construction,
but use a little lotion.

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And that's…

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Well, we'll… Yeah… Just watching
this lion get pet. I don't know.

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It made me realize I'm lonely for sure.

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-Um, yeah.
-[audience laughs]

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Once you're jealous
of a lion pet… [laughs]

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You're like, "Fuck,
I gotta get out there, jiggy."

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-"I'm on my phone forever." Uh…
-[audience laughs]

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I don't know how to step away
from my phone.

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I just don't know how to do it.

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Anyone that works at Instagram, like,
if they tracked my phone behavior,

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they'll be like, "Wow, we did it.
We ruined her life. We did it."

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[audience laughing]

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Ten, eleven hours a day, I'm clocking in.

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I am just scrolling.

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I have calluses, I have pain.

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I got tennis elbow, not from tennis, okay?

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Like, I… I love it so…

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Like, I have to hold a pen differently

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because of the pain that I have
from my phone.

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If you saw me hold a pen, you'd be like,

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you know,
"Maybe she was in foster care." I…

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[audience laughing]

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"No one taught her.
No one taught her." [laughs]

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And I try. I try.

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I took Instagram off my phone.

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I lasted, uh, five weeks, I think.

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I'm lying. It was four. Okay. Uh… [laughs]

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[audience laughing]

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I was lying, but my hand
said the truth. Okay.

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[laughing] Fuck you. Um…

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[audience laughing]

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But then I just got, like, so into TikTok,
then I had to take TikTok off my phone.

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And then I reached a darkness
I never really wanted,

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which is YouTube Shorts. And then…

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[audience laughing, applauding]

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In YouTube…

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Like, to have to take YouTube
off your phone, that is…

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Like, I have a problem,

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and I thought that would
be the lowest I can go, but no,

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now I scroll through my own photos, just…

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[audience laughing]

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Memories, bad outfits,
bad hairdo, fluctuating weight.

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Like, I can't… I can't fucking escape it,
but they know what I want.

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They know I want to see a little animal
sitting on a big animal.

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And they give it to me.

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A rooster sitting on a donkey?
I'll donate to your farm.

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A hundred percent.

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A hundred percent.

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I follow Teddy the Shetland,
this little horse.

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Like, I know more about him
than I know my nephew.

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-I…
-[audience laughing]

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What is my nephew up to? I'm not sure.

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Teddy? He got a new saddle today.
Double tap. Double tap.

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I'm on it.
There's a pig I'm obsessed with.

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-She follows me back. Uh… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

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She's so cute. She, uh…

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Her big thing is she picks flowers

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and then decorates her barn
with bunches of flowers.

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Yes, it is fucked up we…
we eat animals that can decorate.

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Like, it is rude.
This bitch is setting up a vibe.

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What the fuck?!
She does not belong in a sandwich.

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She belongs in a West Elm
making commission, okay?

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[audience laughing]

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Talented little pig, but…

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No, I'm a hypocrite. I'm not a vegetarian.
Do not worry, I'm a cool girl.

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-But, uh… [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

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It's hard not being a hypocrite.

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Uh-- There's too many things out there.
It's too much.

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Like, I was always very…

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I do not support abusers. Right?

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Like, I'm not listening to R. Kelly.
I'm not listening to Chris Brown.

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And then an article came out

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that said one of the Backstreet Boys
is a rapist, and I'm like…

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[inhales deeply] "Guess we gotta
separate the art from the artist. Okay!"

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[chuckling]

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I get it, like… [laughs]

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BSB for life! Um…

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Yeah, I wish all the rapists
weren't so talented, but here we are.

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Here we are.

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What are we gonna do? Sit in silence? Um…

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[audience laughing]

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[sighs deeply]

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But… [laughs]

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Okay. This is good.
I have a few more rape jokes.

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This is nice. This is nice.

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We got it goin'. You guys are…

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Yeah, this is really good.

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But it's not only animals and fuzzy fun.

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Like, the phone
does enrage me at times too.

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I forget people can see my comments
and I am…

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I'm in there. I, uh… [laughs]

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I got a screenshot sent to me by a friend,

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and it was a comment I had left,

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and he just wrote, "Wow,
you really let that tradwife have it."

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I'm like, "Fuck."

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[audience laughing]

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I don't wanna get mad.
It's not even things I know about.

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But if you did not fill up
your wife's Christmas stocking,

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I am finding a photo of your mother

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and being like, "How dare you raise a son
that's negligent." Like…

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[audience laughing]

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I didn't even know it was an issue,
but now I don't care.

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Like I care so much if these women
have things in their stockings.

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It's… It's wild. I get riled.

183
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Um, on April Fools' Day,
I forgot it was April Fools' Day.

184
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And SoulCycle posted
"no more Taylor Swift rides,"

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and I'm disabled from commenting
on SoulCycle's Instagram page.

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[audience laughing]

187
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You can't play tricks like that. Fuck!

188
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But, yeah, it's…

189
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For me, it's… [laughs]

190
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…phone, weed, Diet Coke. That's…

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And of course, like,
Bravo in the background.

192
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But that is my… All day just…

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[mumbling, laughing]

194
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And then, at night I'm like,
"Why are my eyes dry?"

195
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"I don't feel good."

196
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[audience laughing]

197
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Maybe it's 'cause you have Baja Blast.

198
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-Like, I…
-[audience laughs]

199
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I don't drink water, cold brews…

200
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Uh, OLIPOP-- I do wanna--
OLIPOP, 9 grams of fiber.

201
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I do love it. Thank you. Uh…

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-[chuckles]
-[woman] Whoo!

203
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Do you work for OLIPOP?

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Okay. Then don't do that.
Uh, don't do that.

205
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[audience laughs]

206
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I thought I was about to be
part of a marketing campaign.

207
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[laughing] And I'm devastated.

208
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,709
But, yeah, for me,
it doesn't matter what bad habit

209
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as long as I don't have to deal
with the emotions happening around me.

210
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,298
You know, as long as I don't have to
actually solve what's going on,

211
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I'll… I'll spend, I'll eat,
I'll smoke, I'll get--

212
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I will do whatever
to not actually feel my feelings.

213
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Like, I try to fix a printer
and I couldn't do it,

214
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and I went and got
a butterfly tattoo. Now…

215
00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,730
[audience laughs]

216
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This is so big for someone
that's pretty casual about butterflies.

217
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-Like, I… [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

218
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I don't hate butterflies, of course. But…

219
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[laughing] It's so big.

220
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[audience laughing]

221
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I ju-- I… I get riled.

222
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And I ca-- I just can't do it.

223
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With the weed, I'm delusional.
That's my thing.

224
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I lie to myself. I'm… I always say,
"Oh, I'm not even high."

225
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Then I'll take little puffs
throughout the day.

226
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And I'll be like, "Oh, I'm not even high."

227
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And then it's time to do my makeup
and I'm like, "Touché. Okay."

228
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[audience laughs]

229
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"I guess I'm high, and now I look
like a Picasso rough draft."

230
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:04,353
"Fantastic."

231
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,896
[audience laughing]

232
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,025
You know what I learned?
Even if you buy Chanel eyeliner,

233
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,735
if you're bad at it,
you'll still look bad.

234
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-You know what I mean?
-[all laughing]

235
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I'm always buying expensive items,

236
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,742
but it's like… No, but it's still me.

237
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,035
It's still me.

238
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:21,537
I'm still not able to do it.

239
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:26,500
And the thing is they marketed weed
as safe and natural from the earth.

240
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:27,752
It helps your anxiety.

241
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:30,338
Like, I… I just didn't think
there was a problem

242
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:33,591
and then, one day I woke up after
over a decade of smoking weed every day

243
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:35,885
and went, "Oh wow, I've become Mr. Bean."

244
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:40,056
That's… That's what
being an adult stoner is like.

245
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:43,100
You think you're crushing it.
You're like a British dude in a bow tie

246
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,186
and you're like,
"Everyone's obsessed with me." Like…

247
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,022
"I'm killing it.
I'm so good at everything."

248
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:49,815
But in reality,
everyone around you is like,

249
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,776
"Why is she doing that? Why…"

250
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,655
"What is she doing? She has to stop."

251
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,658
But… But you think you're doing good.

252
00:10:58,741 --> 00:10:59,617
Like, that…

253
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,410
I was test-driving a car.

254
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,912
Should have I been sober? Sure.

255
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,539
But why would I test-drive
not how I live, right? Like…

256
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,291
That doesn't make sense.

257
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:10,544
Not everyone laughed.
The people that are have DUIs, okay?

258
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:14,465
And… It used to be cool. [laughs]

259
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,302
You guys are cute. This is wild. Okay.

260
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,596
-Uh… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

261
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,973
But they told me
I have stand right here. Um…

262
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,685
It has to be here
and I'm touching my hair.

263
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,061
Okay. [laughing]

264
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,772
[audience laughing, cheering]

265
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,279
Oh my God. [laughs]

266
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,573
-[cheering stops]
-Wow. Thanks. [laughs]

267
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:40,783
[audience laughs]

268
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,576
So impressed. Um…

269
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:45,454
But, yeah, I'm test-driving the car
and then the dealership guy is here,

270
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,874
and I notice in the center console,
there's a deep rectangle hole.

271
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,960
And so I get excited,
I turn to the guy and I go,

272
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,045
"Oh my God, cool. Is this for sauces?"

273
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,172
And…

274
00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:58,050
It's fine it's not for sauces,

275
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,636
but he didn't have to speak
to me like that. Like…

276
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,430
[audience laughing raucously]

277
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:07,643
And if you're a nugget girl,
you know that is a perfect little sauce--

278
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:08,853
Like, you do know.

279
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:13,065
But he turned to me, and he goes, "Ma'am."

280
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,776
-Which is a slur. Which is a slur.
-[audience laughs]

281
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:19,864
Stop. Stop calling people "ma'am."
We do not like it.

282
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,991
It makes nobody feel good. It's…

283
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,076
And the only people that like it
are from the South,

284
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,495
and they're like, "I was raised that way.
It's my culture."

285
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,372
Your culture doesn't have
a great track record

286
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,624
for coming out with words
people like to be called, okay?

287
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,376
[audience laughing, cheering]

288
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:33,878
Stop. [laughs]

289
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,755
Stop.

290
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:39,884
We'll take your sweet tea,
just not anything else. Like…

291
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,094
-[audience laughing]
-[laughing] Just…

292
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:48,601
But he went, "Ma'am, the Nissan factory
didn't build a sauce hole."

293
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,396
I was like, "Whoa, that's crazy."

294
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,775
"What are the chances? 'Cause that's
what I call my pussy. Like, whoa."

295
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:56,984
[audience laughing]

296
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,904
Wild, me and this Nissan
have so much in common.

297
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,989
But… [smacks lips]

298
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,993
No, the hole is for, um…
It's for the key. Whatever.

299
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,036
I… [laughs]

300
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:09,205
It's for the new key 'cause this is not--

301
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:12,124
Don't you miss pretending you're in
a horror movie and being like… [gasps]

302
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,876
I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.

303
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,962
I don't need these little robot keys,
but whatever.

304
00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:20,007
I just humiliate myself stoned constantly.

305
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:23,052
I was hanging out with someone,
and she had a cool hat on,

306
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:24,887
and I went, "Wow, I love your hat."

307
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,847
And she said,
"It's my first time wearing it."

308
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,308
What I heard is, "I've never worn a hat
in my fucking life."

309
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:32,853
"And I'm just now wearing a hat
for the first time."

310
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:33,979
That's what I heard.

311
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:38,442
And so I reacted with,
"Whoa! You've never worn a hat? Like…"

312
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:39,985
[audience laughing]

313
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,948
She lives in Chicago.
She's worn a hat, okay?

314
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:45,241
She's worn a hat.

315
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,661
But to me, never. Never.

316
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:50,788
One time, I embarrassed my own self.

317
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:52,623
I was, um… I was making eggs.

318
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:57,211
And, no one believes me,
but the, like, the egg wouldn't come out.

319
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:59,588
Uh, there was a malfunction,
there was glue.

320
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,758
Like, something was happening,
so it cracked in my hand.

321
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,927
I'm very, very powerful. And…

322
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:08,389
Um, you know, I've read about the economy.

323
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:11,725
So I was like, "I can't waste the egg.
Like, I have to use the egg."

324
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,978
And so in my-- I go,
"Oh, great, I'll just flip it over."

325
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:15,688
"I'll… I'll flip it over."

326
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,565
Yeah, guess what else fell?
All the other eggs.

327
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:21,110
All the other eggs tumbling down.

328
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,738
It was like that commercial in the '90s.
"This is your brain on drugs."

329
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,491
But in my own home.

330
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,952
It was humiliating.

331
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,538
I'm eating
an eight-egg crunchy omelet, like…

332
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,251
"This is what you deserve,
you fucking Gaston."

333
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,336
[audience laughing]

334
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,505
It's just it's bad.

335
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,509
But also, yeah, the fact
that I haven't smoked yet, kinda wild.

336
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,469
Uh, but, this is
a professional event.

337
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,346
Okay. Um… [sucks teeth]

338
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,598
So I'm doing it.

339
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,142
Uh, we can ease into the immigrant portion
of the show.

340
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:54,935
Okay. Uh… [laughs]

341
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,187
-I am an immigrant. Um, I'm--
-[man] Whoo!

342
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,273
-Yeah. [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

343
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:02,610
Well, let's see
if you relate to this. Okay.

344
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,821
If you don't know, this is what
it's like to be a child immigrant.

345
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,489
One day, my dad called the house,

346
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,826
and he said, "Um, guess what?
I got you a telescope."

347
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:15,581
I can't believe it, I'm so excited,
like, I'm gonna have a telescope.

348
00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:17,708
He comes home. It's a cantaloupe.

349
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,793
[audience laughs]

350
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,088
[sighs]

351
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:24,924
Yeah.

352
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,635
I thought I was gonna look at the stars.

353
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,720
Now I'm eating fruit
alone in a basement. Like…

354
00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:31,513
[audience laughing]

355
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,016
That's what it's like
to be an immigrant child.

356
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,352
You just turn into a little
Republican racist in your home.

357
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,812
You're like,
"Learn English, we're in America!"

358
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,397
[audience laughing]

359
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,232
"What the fuck are you doing?!"

360
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:45,527
And you learn
you can't trust your parents.

361
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:48,322
The people you look to for guidance,
they don't know what's happening."

362
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,908
Like that… that basically is what occurs.

363
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,786
My dad, I mean, he would steal apples
from the botanic garden.

364
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:58,248
And I knew, the geese knew,
like, that's not what you do.

365
00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:00,459
But he just kept doing it.

366
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,628
Also, if you want to see
an immigrant family fighting,

367
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,505
go to a botanic garden or a T.J. Maxx.

368
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:07,216
That is… That is a fun time.

369
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,718
Um, yeah, my dad,
he would buy cheap vodka,

370
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,012
pour it into expensive vodka bottles.

371
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:14,348
The only one drinking
the vodka, right? Like…

372
00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,600
[audience laughing]

373
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:18,185
Who are you punking?

374
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,855
But I'm lucky to him.
I talk to him a lot.

375
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,315
But I am lucky to have my parents.

376
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,276
My, uh, parents are 86 and 79.

377
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,737
And, okay, usually people are like that.

378
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,448
-But, um… [laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

379
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:35,035
[sighs] No, I'm lucky to have my parents.
They're so great.

380
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:39,081
Um, so, yeah, they're 86, 79.
Born in 1938 and 1945.

381
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,751
Um, they were 42 and 50 when I was born.

382
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,337
And I would never ever say this.

383
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,297
But my friends say
I'm lucky I'm not retarded.

384
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:49,383
-But I…
-[audience laughs]

385
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,177
I would never say that.

386
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,598
But my friend's a bitch. Um, so…

387
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,143
No, she's really bad.

388
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,687
One time, my dad,
he went into heart surgery,

389
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,397
and I went home, of course.

390
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,066
And then, before surgery,
I said, "I love you."

391
00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:08,861
He did not say it back and…

392
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,154
Which I get, you know.

393
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,364
If Stalin's your leader,
you might not say "I love you."

394
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,907
Like, I get that.

395
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,576
Yeah, if you grew up in Stalin era,

396
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,953
you might steal from
every lost and found you've ever seen.

397
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,873
And like, I'm okay with that.

398
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:24,543
But if you are missing goggles,
they are in our basement. But…

399
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:26,754
[audience laughing]

400
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,757
So, I get him. But I was telling a friend
and she was like,

401
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,508
"Oh, you need to tell people that."

402
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,178
"They'll be less upset
by your personality." So…

403
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,929
[audience laughs]

404
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:37,306
Um… [laughs]

405
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,183
That was great.

406
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,271
Um, but I am here,
my senior citizen parents,

407
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:48,150
and I do… I really do appreciate them.

408
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:51,236
But it's just…
It's just chaos and embarrassment.

409
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,613
That's basically what it is.

410
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,698
And I have empathy, of course.

411
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,784
1938, my dad was born.

412
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,827
Escaped the Nazis,

413
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,455
um, on a horse and wagon
through Central Asia.

414
00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:04,917
He got this weird ancient fever, survived.

415
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,627
Then came to America,

416
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:09,546
then came to my softball game in…

417
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:11,632
[audience laughs]

418
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,844
…a t-shirt that said,

419
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,889
"Budweiser, King of Rears,"
with butts on it.

420
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:21,475
[audience laughing, applauding]

421
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,063
The shirt with butts, yeah.

422
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,984
I was like, "I get that the Nazis
were tough, but you're ruining my life."

423
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:34,696
"Actually, you're ruining my life, Dad."

424
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:36,824
[sighs]

425
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,577
Then he was mad at me.
That's what's crazy. He was mad at me.

426
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,871
He goes, "Why didn't
you tell me this was inappropriate?"

427
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,207
I'm like, "I'm six
and those are butts, okay?"

428
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,167
[audience laughing]

429
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,671
"Why would that be on me? Were butts,
like, cool where you grew up? Like…"

430
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,426
But… [laughs]

431
00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:59,805
…he's at the games, he's present,

432
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:04,518
he liked being a dad, like,
he's there, just always a little off.

433
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:08,438
Like, first grade Christmas party,
everyone brings a snack.

434
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:12,151
He brought a garbage bag filled
with popcorn that he popped on his own.

435
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,820
And then gave it to children
with his bare hands.

436
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:16,905
[audience laughing]

437
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,075
That's what he thought
American suburban children wanted.

438
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,744
A trash Santa throwing loose corn
on their desks.

439
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,830
[audience laughing]

440
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,501
[sighs] It's bad. But he's at the school.

441
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,004
Like, that's the whole thing.
Like, he wants to be involved.

442
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,715
Like, he pushed owls on me.
He made me collect owls against my--

443
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:37,217
I did not want the owls. I never indi--

444
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:40,345
I'm a young girl. Why would I want birds
that come out at night and stare at you

445
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,431
all over my room? Why would I want that?

446
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,142
But it felt like one of those situations

447
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:48,103
where your mom wanted to do pageants,
but she didn't have the body for it,

448
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,646
so she's making you do it.

449
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,440
And that's how it felt with the owls,

450
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,692
where I'm like, "Who kept owls from you

451
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:57,821
that you needed your young daughter
to have hundreds of them?"

452
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:00,532
And so, every holiday, every--

453
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,075
Like, all these owls.

454
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:04,828
And then he went behind my back
to the school library,

455
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:08,123
made them display all of my owls
with a photo of my face that said,

456
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,584
"Liza's wonderful and wise
owl collection."

457
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,211
[audience laughing]

458
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,382
My question is,

459
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,510
"You don't speak English.
How did you do that? How did you do that?"

460
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:22,763
[audience laughing, applauding]

461
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:31,063
I'm reading menus for him,
I'm reading fucking all his mail,

462
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:34,107
I'm translating, and he was able
to set up a gallery display

463
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:36,401
behind my back to destroy me. Like, I…

464
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:38,654
[audience laughing]

465
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,448
…don't get it. I don't get it.

466
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:43,659
One… [laughs]

467
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,827
One time, though…
Um, I talk about my dad a lot.

468
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,996
But one time I was talking about how
when we were kids,

469
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,248
he didn't believe in sunblock.

470
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:53,627
And, um, after we were sun-burned though,
we'd put sour cream all over our bodies.

471
00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,003
[audience laughs]

472
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,797
Yeah. Communism's tough, okay?

473
00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,217
Um, but it was cooling and nice.

474
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,511
And so, I was talking
about the sour cream once onstage

475
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,346
and a man from the audience yelled out,

476
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,599
"Oh, you're like
a little baked potato." And…

477
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,811
I just felt ashamed how much I liked it.

478
00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:11,728
I was like,

479
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,107
"That is hot." [laughs]

480
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,861
Oh man. I would… I do want to…
I would like to meet someone

481
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,363
that is, um, a thing for me.

482
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:23,365
It's just weird to want love so bad

483
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,534
and then never see
a good representation of it.

484
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:27,661
You know what I mean?
Like, it never looks good.

485
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:30,080
Sorry if you came here
with a partner, but…

486
00:21:30,163 --> 00:21:32,958
It's just… It's just bad. [laughs]

487
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:37,004
Here's my… Here's my impression of
all my straight married girlfriends. Okay.

488
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,381
[gasps] I have to renew
his passport tomorrow!

489
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,009
-Okay, that's it. Um…
-[audience laughs]

490
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:43,302
[audience applauding]

491
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,178
So many errands. Uh…

492
00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:48,557
Why can't he do it? But, uh…

493
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,517
'Cause when you're horny
and you just want…

494
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,353
You can masturbate, you can have sex.
Like, that's kind of easy.

495
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,188
When you're horny for love,
that's different.

496
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,899
I don't know how to, um…
Like, I don't know what to do.

497
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:01,153
Do I hide a phone charger, come back out,
"I don't know where it is!"

498
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:02,654
Like, I… Is that…

499
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:06,283
Is that how you masturbate for love?

500
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:09,328
Change the thermostat,
come back out, "I'm hot!"

501
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:10,287
You know, like…

502
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:12,331
[audience laughing]

503
00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:15,375
It just seems tough.
It seems like a lot of compromise.

504
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:18,086
The darkest thing I've ever seen was
my mom was drinking tea,

505
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,005
and she goes, "I hate this tea."

506
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:22,382
I go, "Okay. Why are you drinking it?"

507
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,842
And she says, "Well, I bought it."

508
00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:26,011
"If I don't finish it,
your dad gets really mad at me."

509
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,847
I'm pissed. I'm like, "What the fuck?!
You worked hard your whole life."

510
00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:31,183
"You deserve whatever tea you want.
Like, this is bull--"

511
00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:34,186
And she goes, "Relax.
I use two teabags at a time."

512
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:35,395
"It'll be over quick."

513
00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:37,481
[audience laughs]

514
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,071
So crazy.

515
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:47,824
It's wild, but I want it.

516
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,534
I wanna live with someone,
be with someone.

517
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,161
I saw a quote online. Always online.

518
00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:55,165
Um, it said, "Make a list of everything
you want in a partner,

519
00:22:55,248 --> 00:22:56,958
and then become that list."

520
00:22:57,626 --> 00:23:00,962
That's good advice,
but how do I become a big Black dude?

521
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,048
-You know, I…
-[audience laughs]

522
00:23:04,257 --> 00:23:06,968
I'm not an engineer. I…

523
00:23:09,012 --> 00:23:09,971
I wish.

524
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,099
Are there engineers here?

525
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:13,809
No. [laughs]

526
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:17,771
You just touched your eye.
That was weird timing. Uh… [laughs]

527
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:19,064
I thought you were an engineer.

528
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:20,023
I'm just impressed--

529
00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:22,526
I'm just impressed with anyone
that learned something in school

530
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:24,319
and then uses it later. Like…

531
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:25,737
I can't. Like…

532
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:29,157
To retain information…
Wow, that is… that is …

533
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:31,118
I majored in sociology. I don't know.

534
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,620
What did I learn?
It's hard to be poor. Cool. Uh…

535
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:35,455
[audience laughs]

536
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:37,707
Your neighborhood
affects your personality.

537
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:39,167
Like, that is all.

538
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:43,171
Um, but I guess I use it.
You know, I'm empathetic. Um… [laughs]

539
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,090
[audience laughing]

540
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,633
[sighs] Oh yeah.

541
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:48,218
But, no, I have a varied type.

542
00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:50,929
I'm really interested
in a lot of different people.

543
00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:54,641
Um, I'm really attracted to people
that can walk a dog with no leash.

544
00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:56,852
You know they can fuck.

545
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:59,312
-[audience laughs]
-You know it. You know it.

546
00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:02,315
You're whistling and a Pit Bull's…

547
00:24:02,399 --> 00:24:03,442
Like, that is respect.

548
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:06,236
Like, that dog respects what you're doing.

549
00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:07,696
You know who can't fuck?

550
00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,906
-[grunting] That's…
-[audience laughs]

551
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,202
Your friend, she is taking a nap.

552
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,329
Yeah, you have no game.
You have no game.

553
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:17,831
[groaning]

554
00:24:17,914 --> 00:24:19,166
[laughing] Yeah.

555
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,544
I'm also really attracted to…

556
00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:26,423
I like, uh, girls who look like
they could be in a boy band.

557
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,091
I'm very into that.

558
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:31,428
I like a soft butch
who can nail choreography.

559
00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:33,638
That's my favorite.

560
00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:36,433
The only problem with that is
sometimes you think you see a hot chick,

561
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,894
and then, surprise, it is a teen boy.

562
00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:40,979
-[audience laughs]
-Um…

563
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:42,856
It's bad. [chuckles]

564
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:46,651
You gotta back out of the pack, son.
You know… [laughs]

565
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,737
[audience laughing]

566
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:52,073
My bad. I should not have been in there.

567
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,950
[smacks lips] Yeah.

568
00:24:54,034 --> 00:24:56,536
I don't know. Am I bi? Am I pan? Am I--

569
00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:58,955
I don't know what I am.
I'm so jealous of people that know.

570
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:02,292
Like, I really… I can't figure out.
I just can't figure out.

571
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:05,212
I'm definitely on the spectrum.
You know, of sexuality, not autism.

572
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,130
-[audience laughs]
-But, um…

573
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,049
They laughed harder at that
at the earlier show.

574
00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:10,342
-[audience laughs]
-Um…

575
00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:12,594
We'll use that edit. Thanks. Um…

576
00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:14,596
[audience laughs loudly]

577
00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:16,681
Thanks for that. [laughs]

578
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:20,268
Oh, I don't know what I am.

579
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,479
I want a girlfriend, but I love cum.

580
00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:24,564
-And that is…
-[audience laughs]

581
00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:27,901
So I like the consistency.
You know what I mean?

582
00:25:28,693 --> 00:25:31,279
Is this too much? I, um… [smacks lips]

583
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:34,533
I just love it.
I'm not happy about it, but I just…

584
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,577
What number on the Kinsey scale
is cum-hungry lesbian?

585
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:38,578
Like, do we know?

586
00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:42,290
Can I-- I think I'm Ms. Pac-Man.

587
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:44,960
If I can identify as anyone,
it is Ms. Pac-Man.

588
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,046
Put a bow on my hair
and let me chomp all over town.

589
00:25:48,129 --> 00:25:51,841
Like, that is what I truly want.

590
00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:54,803
Um, yeah, I want a see
a fucking ghost. That's cool.

591
00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:56,054
Uh… [laughs]

592
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,056
And some fruit. [smacks lips]

593
00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:00,350
This is not related,
but I did live with a girl once

594
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:04,646
who thought she was a witch
'cause she had déjà vu, and I…

595
00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:07,065
I miss that energy.

596
00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:09,234
To have a dream
and then walk out of your room and go,

597
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:11,278
"I think I have powers," is…

598
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:12,946
[audience laughing]

599
00:26:13,863 --> 00:26:14,906
…so cool.

600
00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:19,202
But I'm actually a bad roommate.
I did learn that later in life.

601
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,580
When I lived alone,
I finally realized I was a bad roommate,

602
00:26:21,663 --> 00:26:23,873
because, like, yeah…

603
00:26:23,957 --> 00:26:27,043
One day I just looked around my apartment
and went, "Oh, someone was cleaning."

604
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:29,129
-Okay. I…
-[audience laughs]

605
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,673
I didn't realize.

606
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:33,842
But one day, my tub was gray
and I was like,

607
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,386
"Oh my God. I miss my friend." Um…

608
00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:37,554
[smacks lips]

609
00:26:38,722 --> 00:26:40,765
But, yeah, back to the cum situation.

610
00:26:40,849 --> 00:26:44,603
I am not happy about it.

611
00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:47,230
Like, but I get off on humiliation,

612
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:51,067
and there's nothing more humiliating
than helping a man have a good time.

613
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:54,696
-That is nothing.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

614
00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:55,739
Ugh!

615
00:26:56,489 --> 00:27:00,327
You work so hard for a man to, like,
grunt and spit out of his dick,

616
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:04,956
and then you're just like sitting there
like a Cinnabon at the mall.

617
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,125
-It's…
-[audience laughing]

618
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:09,502
…terrible.

619
00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:14,090
And, like, you guys
always tell us to smile.

620
00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:16,926
That would be a great place
for you to smile like that,

621
00:27:18,261 --> 00:27:19,554
instead of growling.

622
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,057
Okay, your clapping while
also pointing the clap at his face.

623
00:27:22,140 --> 00:27:25,018
That is crazy.

624
00:27:25,101 --> 00:27:27,228
But you're also intertwined.
It is really beautiful.

625
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:30,482
No, I've seen your hand
on his thigh multiple times. Um… [laughs]

626
00:27:30,565 --> 00:27:32,984
I have. You guys
are really into each other.

627
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:35,153
[laughing] Uh, okay. Uh…

628
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,530
[audience laughing]

629
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,575
You know what? This is a fun experiment
I've been doing. Okay?

630
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:42,410
Clap if you have sex with men.

631
00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:43,828
[audience clapping]

632
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,457
All right. So that's the test group.

633
00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:49,084
So no one else clap.

634
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:52,212
Like, only the people
that just clapped can clap this next time.

635
00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:53,838
Of the people who have sex with men,

636
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:58,093
clap if you've never
slapped a dick on your face.

637
00:27:58,176 --> 00:27:59,678
[scattered clapping]

638
00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:01,763
[audience laughing]

639
00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:12,023
I don't know what I'm trying to prove,
but I feel like a real sociologist.

640
00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:14,109
-I do.
-[audience laughs]

641
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:15,819
[audience cheering]

642
00:28:18,988 --> 00:28:19,948
But what is it?

643
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,659
You're the only one who clapped,
but what was funny is that--

644
00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:25,453
But, like, I like the idea
that people are embarrassed to clap

645
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:27,038
that they didn't do that.

646
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:29,416
-Like, that's…
-[audience laughs]

647
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:30,959
That's cool. Like, you…

648
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:33,670
Yeah, you don't… It's… It's like… [laughs]

649
00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:35,797
I'm such a feminist.

650
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:39,217
One dick slap, I'll go bake a pie
immediately. Immediately.

651
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,761
Yeah. [laughs]

652
00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:45,473
Sometimes I feel like I don't even
have the right to vote after.

653
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:47,142
It's like, uh… [laughs]

654
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:48,643
[smacks lips]

655
00:28:50,061 --> 00:28:52,397
Would, uh, you guys be turned on or off

656
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,608
if during sex someone said
they were wet like tres leches cake?

657
00:28:55,692 --> 00:28:57,694
-How…
-[audience laughs]

658
00:28:58,445 --> 00:28:59,279
Okay.

659
00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:04,242
Neither here nor there, but fun.

660
00:29:06,453 --> 00:29:09,330
I do wanna say…
I am gonna talk about my parents again.

661
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,499
But, um, I do wanna say,

662
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:14,627
I never realized how hard it was
to be a parent

663
00:29:14,711 --> 00:29:16,671
until my friends started having kids.

664
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:19,507
That's when it hits you.
Like, I appreciate my parents so much.

665
00:29:19,591 --> 00:29:22,969
You could just never stop cutting fruit.
It is a never-ending journey.

666
00:29:23,052 --> 00:29:24,137
[audience laughs]

667
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:27,432
And it is wild to see your friends do it.

668
00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:28,767
It really… It really is.

669
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:30,727
I don't think I can be a parent.
That's not for--

670
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:33,104
I don't think I can
put a stroller together at the airport.

671
00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:35,106
That seems really hard.

672
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:38,401
On an edible? Impossible. I… [laughs]

673
00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:40,278
[audience laughing]

674
00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:41,237
It's so much pressure.

675
00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:43,239
People are boarding.
What if your baby falls out?

676
00:29:43,323 --> 00:29:45,325
-Like, it's just…
-[audience laughs]

677
00:29:46,075 --> 00:29:48,953
It seems like so mu--
The stakes are high, that's the thing.

678
00:29:49,037 --> 00:29:51,122
There's no room for error as a parent.

679
00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:54,209
You forget your baby bag. Now what?
Your baby is starving in a pile of shit?

680
00:29:54,292 --> 00:29:56,294
Like, I can't handle that.

681
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,964
You've to touch the sh--
It's just… It's too much.

682
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:01,466
It's too much work.

683
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,677
But-- And the baby gums on the nipple.

684
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:07,388
That's like really… That's from the devil.

685
00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:10,642
That… That was the devil's idea.

686
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:11,810
The, like…

687
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:13,895
[imitates sucking]

688
00:30:16,105 --> 00:30:19,192
Yeah, you're grossed out
at just me pretending to do it. Like…

689
00:30:19,692 --> 00:30:21,236
[imitates sucking] Ugh.

690
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:24,030
And obviously, no judgment.

691
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:26,199
If you like breastfeeding,
that is amazing,

692
00:30:26,282 --> 00:30:27,867
but you're a pedophile. Okay?

693
00:30:27,951 --> 00:30:29,702
[audience laughing]

694
00:30:30,286 --> 00:30:33,790
The baby is licking your nipple,
and you belong in a jail cell. That's…

695
00:30:33,873 --> 00:30:35,250
[audience laughing]

696
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:36,709
[sighs deeply]

697
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,505
And I do know that I come from privilege,

698
00:30:40,588 --> 00:30:43,216
but I do have to say,
I had a really good time in jail.

699
00:30:43,299 --> 00:30:44,968
I did. I really did.

700
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:47,804
We got to heat our cookies up
in a microwave,

701
00:30:47,887 --> 00:30:50,056
I read a book, and I watched The Simpsons.

702
00:30:50,139 --> 00:30:52,308
That's a good weekend. I'm sorry. Um…

703
00:30:53,476 --> 00:30:54,727
But, yeah, back to the baby.

704
00:30:54,811 --> 00:30:57,605
But the thing is, because it's so hard
I wanna be there for my friends.

705
00:30:57,689 --> 00:30:58,898
That's really important to me.

706
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:01,860
I wanna be there for all my friends
that are parents and mom--

707
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:03,862
They're sore,
they're tired, they're leaking.

708
00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:07,156
It's… It's a tough life.
And so I wanna be there for them.

709
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,701
And then when you're there
for them, it's like,

710
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:11,286
they think your life is insignificant

711
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:14,080
and their life is better and worse
than yours, all at the same time.

712
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:16,040
And you can never feel a feeling again.

713
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,417
And it is…

714
00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:19,502
I don't know,
if you've ever told a mom you're tired,

715
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:24,966
get a helmet, they're pissed.
They are so mad at you.

716
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:28,928
"You don't even know what tired is."

717
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:31,806
I'm like, "I've done molly
and had to catch a flight."

718
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:33,892
-Like…
-[audience laughs]

719
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:37,228
"I've been very tired. Thanks."

720
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:42,775
We shouldn't have to compare our tired.
It's annoying to me.

721
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:45,987
But when you agree with them and you go,
"Oh my God, it's so tiring and so hard."

722
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,071
"It's a loss of freedom."

723
00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:48,865
"You make it look
actually really terrible."

724
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:50,325
"Maybe I won't have kids."

725
00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:52,702
They're mad at you too. Like…

726
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:54,746
Their response is always like,

727
00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:57,707
"Well, then you'll never have
true unconditional love."

728
00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:00,209
I'm like, "You told me
motherhood changed you."

729
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:02,879
"I guess you're still a bitch. Okay, I…"

730
00:32:02,962 --> 00:32:04,797
[audience laughing]

731
00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:09,344
So much talk about how your heart opened.
I'm just, um, confused.

732
00:32:09,427 --> 00:32:11,429
You know, I brought a gift.
It's Saturday afternoon.

733
00:32:11,512 --> 00:32:13,097
But, yeah, I think

734
00:32:14,098 --> 00:32:16,893
you should definitely tell your friend
she'll never have love.

735
00:32:16,976 --> 00:32:18,645
Yeah, that's normal.

736
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:21,648
And we know that's not true at all,

737
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:24,609
or there wouldn't be homeless gay teens.
You know what I mean?

738
00:32:24,692 --> 00:32:27,320
You would be able to not be more mean
and have parents still.

739
00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:29,822
So it's bullshit.
There's a lot of conditions

740
00:32:29,906 --> 00:32:31,532
on a lot of parental love.

741
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:32,617
But let's say it's true.

742
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:35,328
I'll never experience unconditional love.

743
00:32:35,411 --> 00:32:37,956
Then why are you so jealous of me?
Like, you should be nicer.

744
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:40,458
You should be nicer, kinder,
feel sad for me.

745
00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:42,168
All the moms are so jealous.

746
00:32:42,251 --> 00:32:44,420
"Oh, must be nice to nap and shower."

747
00:32:44,504 --> 00:32:47,006
Yeah, I don't have love.
I think I can be well-rested and clean.

748
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:48,925
-You know, I…
-[audience laughs]

749
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:52,595
Kind of a consolation prize, right?

750
00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,349
And if you're jealous of my shower,
then admit your baby sucks.

751
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:58,434
-Right? Like…
-[audience laughs]

752
00:32:59,519 --> 00:33:00,395
I don't really get it.

753
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:02,105
I'm sorry, you can't come
to Vegas with us.

754
00:33:02,188 --> 00:33:03,481
That must be really hard,

755
00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:07,652
but you get to transcend layers of love

756
00:33:07,735 --> 00:33:10,363
as you stare into your child's eyes,

757
00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:14,409
and get to, you know,
relate to your parents

758
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:17,787
and, you know, relive your own childhood

759
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:20,248
in this being that you created.

760
00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:24,252
And let me try to go get fingered
at the Golden Nugget pool. Okay?

761
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:26,254
[audience laughing, applauding]

762
00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:27,171
Shit!

763
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:29,007
I just wanna go down a water slide

764
00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,134
when a stingray is next to me
in captivity.

765
00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:33,970
That's… That's my joy.

766
00:33:34,053 --> 00:33:35,930
Let me have it. [laughs]

767
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:38,182
It's not even on the strip. Um…

768
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:40,268
[audience laughing]

769
00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:42,854
So annoying.

770
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:44,355
Whoa, have you ever, um…

771
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:47,316
Have you ever gotten
like a really, really dirty text message

772
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,028
and then the same day,
your friend gives birth to a baby,

773
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:51,612
and then all the photos save

774
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,449
and then your phone
looks like an investigation is, uh…

775
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:55,742
[audience laughs]

776
00:33:55,825 --> 00:33:56,784
[chuckling] Okay.

777
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:57,869
[smacks lips]

778
00:33:58,703 --> 00:33:59,662
[sighs]

779
00:34:01,497 --> 00:34:03,041
All right. [laughs]

780
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:06,794
Oh man.

781
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:08,546
I… I am a true crime girlie.

782
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:11,049
Like, I… Yeah, murder, sex crimes.

783
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:13,342
I'm researching,
I'm watching, I'm looking.

784
00:34:13,426 --> 00:34:16,471
And it does fuck with your head.
It really does.

785
00:34:16,554 --> 00:34:18,931
I was in a cab once,
and the cab driver stopped,

786
00:34:19,015 --> 00:34:21,768
and I said, "Why are you stopping?
This is not the address I gave you."

787
00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:23,478
"I do not feel safe."

788
00:34:23,561 --> 00:34:26,314
And he said,
"We're at a red light." [exhales sharply]

789
00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:28,107
[audience laughing]

790
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:32,236
But then he peed in a bottle
in front of me. Dun dun!

791
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,197
-Okay. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

792
00:34:35,531 --> 00:34:38,534
They do work hard,
but he could've waited. Okay. Uh…

793
00:34:40,203 --> 00:34:43,039
But that's how I know I fucking belong
and love New York City.

794
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,500
Because I've been
almost murdered here three times

795
00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:48,044
and doesn't affect my opinion, like…

796
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:51,631
It… I just love being here so much.

797
00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:54,300
I love that I get to record it here,
and live here.

798
00:34:54,383 --> 00:34:56,052
-I'm truly… [laughs]
-[audience cheering]

799
00:34:56,135 --> 00:34:57,261
Thank you.

800
00:34:57,345 --> 00:34:59,764
It's cool. It is really cool. [laughs]

801
00:35:01,599 --> 00:35:02,517
Yeah, I get pumped.

802
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,269
Any time I see the Chrysler Building,
I'm like, "She's so pretty."

803
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,481
Like, I… I love living here.
Nothing affects me.

804
00:35:08,564 --> 00:35:11,901
I remember… One of my first apartments,
there was rat shit always outside my door.

805
00:35:11,984 --> 00:35:13,027
Not really unique.

806
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,446
But, um, I was complaining to a friend,

807
00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:19,075
and she said, "Maybe if they think
a cat lives there, they'll stay away."

808
00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:23,329
So then every week she'd bring me a bag
full of dirty cat litter from her cat,

809
00:35:23,412 --> 00:35:26,499
and then I would pour cat shit
onto rat shit.

810
00:35:28,084 --> 00:35:28,918
And then I'd go…

811
00:35:29,001 --> 00:35:30,128
♪ In New York ♪

812
00:35:30,211 --> 00:35:31,587
And like, that was it.

813
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:33,214
[audience laughing]

814
00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:35,550
I just thought it was fair.
I'm like, "Yeah, for sure."

815
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:37,218
"You get to layer different animal shits

816
00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:39,428
and keep it moving,
and then you get to see Broadway."

817
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:40,596
Like, that…

818
00:35:41,681 --> 00:35:44,559
On a Wednesday afternoon, you get to see
the most talented performers ever.

819
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:46,561
Like, yeah, I'll… I'll do it.

820
00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:48,646
I'll do whatever it takes to live here.

821
00:35:48,729 --> 00:35:51,816
I got attacked here once on the street,
um, outside my apartment.

822
00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:56,237
And my friend's boyfriend who I hate
saved my life, and…

823
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:58,322
[audience laughing]

824
00:35:59,615 --> 00:36:02,702
Being saved by an enemy,
that's tough. That's tough.

825
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:07,165
I wouldn't recommend it.
He… [exhales sharply]

826
00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:09,500
And he was a hero. He was.

827
00:36:09,584 --> 00:36:12,670
He said, "I heard your voice
and I knew you were in trouble."

828
00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,755
He ran out, he saved my life.

829
00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:16,299
And then I had to be like…

830
00:36:17,216 --> 00:36:19,844
"Yeah, so how was your day?" [laughs]

831
00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:22,263
[all laughing]

832
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:25,141
Oh no. Wait. Okay.

833
00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:28,561
-Uh… [laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

834
00:36:28,644 --> 00:36:30,646
[audience cheering]

835
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,523
So nuts. [laughs]

836
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:34,775
That was one attack.

837
00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:38,029
Then, that apartment
was also painted purple and gold.

838
00:36:38,112 --> 00:36:40,698
And people would come over and go,
"Oh, did you paint this?"

839
00:36:40,781 --> 00:36:42,909
Never been more insulted in my life. Like…

840
00:36:42,992 --> 00:36:44,869
[audience laughs]

841
00:36:44,952 --> 00:36:48,289
You thought I bought paints
and did a New Orleans motif? That's…

842
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:49,707
[audience laughing]

843
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:53,085
That's what you think of me?
Just Lakers for life?

844
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:54,337
What?

845
00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:56,756
No, I did not paint it. Um…

846
00:36:57,673 --> 00:36:58,966
But in that apartment, I…

847
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,677
I caught my building super on a ladder

848
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:03,888
spying into my bedroom window.

849
00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:08,643
Um, but because he was whistling,
I thought he was a bird for days.

850
00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:10,436
[audience laughing]

851
00:37:10,519 --> 00:37:13,147
For days I heard the whistling
and I bragged to friends.

852
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,523
I go, "Yeah, the birds chose us."

853
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:17,193
"It's like really special.
It's really special."

854
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:18,653
"For this time of year, yeah."

855
00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:20,112
Um, and then my friend came over,

856
00:37:20,196 --> 00:37:22,031
she goes,
"That doesn't sound like a bird."

857
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:23,741
Pulled back the curtain,
and it was a man.

858
00:37:23,824 --> 00:37:25,117
It was a man.

859
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:26,202
It was Raoul.

860
00:37:26,285 --> 00:37:28,537
I know you. Like, what?

861
00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:31,082
You can't fix my sink, but you're out here
outside my window.

862
00:37:31,165 --> 00:37:33,918
Okay. Cool. Cool move, bro.

863
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:35,086
I-- I can't even be--

864
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:38,214
And he didn't get in trouble 'cause
he wasn't masturbating or videotaping,

865
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:40,299
so didn't break any laws. So…

866
00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:43,135
Not a punch line,
but maybe something to think about.

867
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:47,098
Um, maybe who is making these laws.

868
00:37:47,181 --> 00:37:48,099
Like, what?

869
00:37:48,182 --> 00:37:50,559
I guess you could be elbows
into an apartment that's not yours

870
00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:51,852
if you jerk off later.

871
00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:55,523
Like, I don't understand it.

872
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,525
I really don't understand it.

873
00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:58,526
I don't get a lot…

874
00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:01,612
You know one of my biggest
rape pet peeves, I would say is,

875
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:05,032
I hate when dudes complain
about false rape accusations.

876
00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:08,411
"Oh… Oh, what about
the false rape accusations?"

877
00:38:08,494 --> 00:38:10,705
"The women are lying.
They're nuts. They're out of…"

878
00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:15,084
And then they will fuck the craziest bitch
I have ever seen in my life.

879
00:38:15,167 --> 00:38:16,752
Like, what?

880
00:38:16,836 --> 00:38:18,087
I'm scared of alligators.

881
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,631
I would never fly to Florida,
jump in a swamp

882
00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:22,591
and go, "I've been nibbled." Right?

883
00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:24,218
[audience laughs]

884
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:29,056
Why are you fucking in the swamp. Like, I…

885
00:38:30,057 --> 00:38:32,184
The DARE program
should've been for men's dicks.

886
00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:34,979
Just say no. Just say…

887
00:38:35,062 --> 00:38:37,940
I have friends who are always like,
"I fucked her. I didn't even like her."

888
00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:41,193
It's like, you don't have to do it.
Like, stop… stop doing it.

889
00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:42,445
It makes no sense.

890
00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:44,613
I know she's hot, but she's keying a car.

891
00:38:44,697 --> 00:38:48,034
Is that not enough of a clue to you?

892
00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:51,329
I… It's… [sighs]
I really… I just don't understand it.

893
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:52,955
There's no plan of action.

894
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,541
Guys act so scared
of false rape accusations,

895
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:57,835
and then do not take any precautions.

896
00:38:57,918 --> 00:39:00,046
If you're someone
that doesn't want to get attacked,

897
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:02,423
it's keys between your fingers, right?

898
00:39:02,506 --> 00:39:04,300
Earbuds out, Mace in your purse.

899
00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:07,011
You're fucking ready. Location shared.

900
00:39:07,094 --> 00:39:08,387
Dudes, what are you doing?

901
00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:11,390
You're… You'll fuck a girl
with bangs like this. You know?

902
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,392
[audience laughing]

903
00:39:14,769 --> 00:39:16,854
That's a maniac. That's a maniac.

904
00:39:19,523 --> 00:39:22,818
You're relying your freedom
on a straight across bangs.

905
00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:26,489
I ju-- I just don't understand it.

906
00:39:26,572 --> 00:39:30,034
She smells like French vanilla.
She will lie in court, like…

907
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:32,119
[audience laughing]

908
00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:33,954
For sure.

909
00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:37,541
But crazy girls fuck the best!

910
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:40,419
Okay, now you're in jail.
Are you happy? Like, I don't…

911
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:41,754
[audience laughs]

912
00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:43,964
Cool. She had an eyebrow piercing.

913
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:45,800
She's unwell. Okay. Uh…

914
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:49,387
Where are my Bravoholics?

915
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:51,347
-[laughs]
-[audience cheering]

916
00:39:51,430 --> 00:39:54,642
[inhales deeply] Yes! You guys,
you gotta get into The Real Housewives.

917
00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:57,436
A lot of you didn't clap, and I think, um…

918
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,272
I think you have… you have, like,
a wrong notion of what it is.

919
00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:03,692
And you know what's the best part
about watching only reality TV?

920
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:06,529
When you do watch Succession,
it feels like you're reading.

921
00:40:06,612 --> 00:40:08,614
-It's awesome.
-[audience laughing]

922
00:40:08,697 --> 00:40:10,908
-[laughs]
-[man] Whoo! Yeah!

923
00:40:12,701 --> 00:40:15,121
I'm like, "Wow! So much knowledge." Um…

924
00:40:15,204 --> 00:40:16,705
[audience continues laughing]

925
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:20,668
But Real Housewives is comedy.
It's entertainment.

926
00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:22,169
I don't think people really get it.

927
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,505
I mean, there's a woman
on The Real Housewives of New York.

928
00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:26,757
She has shit herself on camera
three times.

929
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:28,217
[audience laughing]

930
00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:30,886
And she still thinks
she's better than you. Right?

931
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:33,848
She's not like, "Oh no."

932
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:35,850
That's not her. That's not her.

933
00:40:35,933 --> 00:40:39,603
Legit, one time, there were shit streaks
on the vacation tile… home.

934
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:43,441
Like, on the white tile
of their vacation home, shit streaks.

935
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:45,776
And the… the camera panned on the shit

936
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:48,154
and then up her body,
and she just went,

937
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:50,906
"We're going to Bagatelle for lunch."
And that was it!

938
00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:51,991
[audience laughing]

939
00:40:52,074 --> 00:40:54,076
That was it.
They'll fistfight at a christening.

940
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:57,121
I mean, it is… it is heaven.

941
00:40:57,204 --> 00:41:01,125
Who has seen, um,
Cynthia's bachelorette party on…

942
00:41:01,208 --> 00:41:02,793
-[audience cheering]
-Okay.

943
00:41:02,877 --> 00:41:04,086
You have?

944
00:41:04,170 --> 00:41:06,672
You're gonna be, uh,
my helper if that's okay.

945
00:41:06,755 --> 00:41:08,966
Um, I'm gonna recap an episode.

946
00:41:09,049 --> 00:41:10,050
That one, obviously.

947
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:13,471
And if I lie or exaggerate,
you can stop me.

948
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,723
You can actually touch my leg.
We're really close.

949
00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:17,683
-[audience laughs]
-Um, so…

950
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:19,935
Yeah, if I do… If I lie at all…

951
00:41:20,019 --> 00:41:23,355
Okay, so I'm gonna recap this episode
of Cynthia's bachelorette party

952
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:25,232
from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

953
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:27,443
And I want you to know
this is not a premiere.

954
00:41:27,526 --> 00:41:29,361
This is not a special.

955
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:30,905
This is not a finale.

956
00:41:30,988 --> 00:41:33,782
Like, regular episode. So…

957
00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:37,036
Cynthia's getting married.

958
00:41:37,119 --> 00:41:39,330
Her friend decides to throw her
a bachelorette party.

959
00:41:39,413 --> 00:41:42,082
Her friend who's hosting it,
she takes the private jet

960
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:44,168
and makes everyone else
share a Sprinter van.

961
00:41:44,251 --> 00:41:46,128
-Okay.
-[audience laughs]

962
00:41:47,004 --> 00:41:48,339
That's just the beginning.

963
00:41:49,798 --> 00:41:53,135
Then the hostess
Postmates herself crab cakes

964
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:54,762
but for nobody else.

965
00:41:56,055 --> 00:42:00,059
And the women go,
"Did you get us crab cakes? We're hungry."

966
00:42:00,142 --> 00:42:02,770
And she says,
"There's chips in the kitchen."

967
00:42:02,853 --> 00:42:04,563
[audience laughing]

968
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:08,108
I don't know how you feel about seafood.
I'd slit a friend's throat.

969
00:42:08,192 --> 00:42:12,238
Like, don't you dare.
Don't you dare eat seafood without me. Uh…

970
00:42:13,155 --> 00:42:15,491
But they love her,
and they want Cynthia to have a good time.

971
00:42:15,574 --> 00:42:17,117
So no one fights. They keep it together.

972
00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:18,911
They get ready
for the nighttime activities.

973
00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:20,829
They go upstairs,
they all put on lingerie.

974
00:42:20,913 --> 00:42:22,039
They come back downstairs.

975
00:42:22,122 --> 00:42:23,958
They put Cynthia in a sex swing,

976
00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:26,669
and then they put a vibrator
on her clit, okay?

977
00:42:28,003 --> 00:42:30,130
This is on Peacock. This is on Peacock.

978
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,466
[audience laughing]

979
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:34,635
Just… No birthday necessary.

980
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:35,928
Just… You can watch it.

981
00:42:36,011 --> 00:42:37,179
[inhales deeply]

982
00:42:37,972 --> 00:42:39,431
And… [laughs]

983
00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:43,394
…we're only 20 minutes in, okay?
We're 20 minutes in.

984
00:42:43,477 --> 00:42:46,230
There's a 50-year-old woman shivering
on a wall in front of her friends

985
00:42:46,313 --> 00:42:48,983
and there's still 40 minutes left
to this episode.

986
00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:51,360
So you're like,
"What else is gonna happen?"

987
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:53,737
What happens is there's a cage
in the backyard.

988
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:56,282
In the cage,
there's a stripper named Bolo.

989
00:42:57,783 --> 00:43:01,954
He's sexy, and he's wearing
head to toe fake Chanel,

990
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:04,957
but it is also Covid,
so there's a shield. Okay?

991
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:06,208
[audience laughs]

992
00:43:11,213 --> 00:43:12,423
So…

993
00:43:13,299 --> 00:43:15,092
He's stripping with the shield.

994
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:17,970
They're getting… They're like
cash, cash, cash. Everything is great.

995
00:43:18,053 --> 00:43:21,140
Then he ends up having a threesome, okay?
With two other women in the house.

996
00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:22,850
One of which… That's like really good

997
00:43:22,933 --> 00:43:25,185
because, um, she just broke up
with the Hot Dog King

998
00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:26,770
and I feel like that was good for her.

999
00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:29,565
And then, the other woman,
we've never seen again.

1000
00:43:29,648 --> 00:43:31,066
So, Tanya, we're thinking about you.

1001
00:43:31,150 --> 00:43:32,568
Like, I don't know what happened.

1002
00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:34,028
Where did she go?

1003
00:43:34,111 --> 00:43:37,323
Truly disappeared from the universe.
Um… [smacks lips]

1004
00:43:37,406 --> 00:43:39,783
I hope everything is okay.
She was in a long-term partnership.

1005
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,368
Okay, but anyways, um…

1006
00:43:41,952 --> 00:43:43,912
So then the next day, they all wake up.

1007
00:43:43,996 --> 00:43:46,290
They're hungover,
they're tired, they're sore.

1008
00:43:46,373 --> 00:43:48,125
They don't rest. They don't fuckin' rest.

1009
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:49,668
They go fishing.

1010
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:53,047
And then, one of the women
catches a shark.

1011
00:43:53,130 --> 00:43:56,091
She pulls a shark out of the ocean.

1012
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:58,844
M. Night Shyamalan who? Okay?

1013
00:43:58,927 --> 00:44:00,095
[audience laughs]

1014
00:44:00,179 --> 00:44:02,514
People are like, "How do you know
it's not fake and scripted?

1015
00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:04,850
Yeah, that shark didn't get paid.
Okay? That…

1016
00:44:06,393 --> 00:44:08,771
That was nature, and um…

1017
00:44:08,854 --> 00:44:10,648
Yeah, I don't work for them.
I don't know why…

1018
00:44:10,731 --> 00:44:13,400
[laughs] Yeah, I love it.
That's the end. Okay. Um…

1019
00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:14,485
[audience laughing]

1020
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:16,362
Lot of TV. A lot of TV.

1021
00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:17,905
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.

1022
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:19,531
A lot of TV.

1023
00:44:20,532 --> 00:44:21,367
[Liza sighs]

1024
00:44:21,450 --> 00:44:22,826
I've been a TV girl forever.

1025
00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:24,912
And you know what my…
Another phone term,

1026
00:44:24,995 --> 00:44:26,580
but my Roman Empire…

1027
00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:28,082
I don't know if any of you remember.

1028
00:44:28,165 --> 00:44:30,376
MTV True Life,
"I'm Getting Plastic Surgery."

1029
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:32,002
The guy who got fake calves.

1030
00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:33,504
[audience cheering]

1031
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:34,963
[sighs]

1032
00:44:37,508 --> 00:44:40,135
How cr-- I mean, where is he?
What's he up to?

1033
00:44:40,761 --> 00:44:43,305
Did the calves improve his life? Like…

1034
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:45,933
I just want to know.

1035
00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:48,018
Because the thing about it is,

1036
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:50,896
like, you have no friends.
Like, who cares about your calves?

1037
00:44:50,979 --> 00:44:52,147
Like, I…

1038
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:55,025
We see your life. There's a dark--

1039
00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:56,735
Like, your apartment looks like shit.

1040
00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:58,362
Like, I don't know why calves.

1041
00:44:58,445 --> 00:45:01,573
That's just so cocky to me
to think that the calves are the issue.

1042
00:45:01,657 --> 00:45:02,616
[audience laughing]

1043
00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:05,786
But he got this calf implant.

1044
00:45:05,869 --> 00:45:08,288
And then he's alone,
and they were like bleeding,

1045
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:11,250
and then the Domino's Pizza guy came,

1046
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,377
and he was just hobbling.

1047
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:15,963
[exhales]

1048
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,549
It's hobbling through my mind ever since.

1049
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:20,300
Like, I…

1050
00:45:20,884 --> 00:45:22,302
Sorry, but I really connect to that.

1051
00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:23,595
You know what I fucking miss?

1052
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:26,265
The last time I feel we were all united
as a people.

1053
00:45:26,348 --> 00:45:29,309
Um, do you remember when they took
the green M&M's boots away?

1054
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:30,561
[audience laughs]

1055
00:45:30,644 --> 00:45:31,562
That was fun.

1056
00:45:31,645 --> 00:45:33,480
We all learned
that we all wanted to fuck her.

1057
00:45:33,564 --> 00:45:36,275
Like, that was so cool. [laughs]

1058
00:45:37,067 --> 00:45:39,778
No matter who you voted for,
everyone was like, "Bring back the whore."

1059
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:43,991
Yeah, we… we need her lashes, please.

1060
00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:48,287
We could have all really bonded
during the submersible thing.

1061
00:45:48,370 --> 00:45:50,748
But then some people were like,
"No, they're alive."

1062
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:52,583
And yeah, that was annoying. Um…

1063
00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:54,084
[audience laughing]

1064
00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:57,921
[sighs] If you were sad for them,
you really ruined a lot of people's fun.

1065
00:45:59,882 --> 00:46:01,175
But… [laughs]

1066
00:46:02,092 --> 00:46:03,886
But it is okay. Um…

1067
00:46:04,511 --> 00:46:07,639
No, one of my goals as I age,
I would say is,

1068
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:10,642
I really want to stay connected
to youth culture.

1069
00:46:10,726 --> 00:46:14,855
Um, I wanna… I don't wanna become old
and have outdated ideas for no reason

1070
00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:16,356
and not know why I believe in them.

1071
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,942
I just wanna keep evolving.
It's very important to me.

1072
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:22,321
[inhales deeply] Um, but then
when you hang out with the youth,

1073
00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:24,281
I… [exhales sharply]

1074
00:46:26,033 --> 00:46:27,868
I feel like I wanna join the Proud Boys.

1075
00:46:27,951 --> 00:46:29,912
-It's…
-[audience laughing]

1076
00:46:31,663 --> 00:46:33,415
It's… [laughs]

1077
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:36,251
I'll tell you. You seem shocked.
I'll tell you what happened.

1078
00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:40,088
So, my niece, um, she's 19. Gen Z.

1079
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,424
And she had never seen
The Devil Wears Prada.

1080
00:46:42,508 --> 00:46:44,009
And it's one of my favorite movies,

1081
00:46:44,092 --> 00:46:46,845
so I went, "Oh my God. This is gonna
be like an awesome bonding moment."

1082
00:46:46,929 --> 00:46:48,680
"We'll watch
The Devil Wears Prada together."

1083
00:46:48,764 --> 00:46:50,182
She hated it.

1084
00:46:50,265 --> 00:46:53,352
It's the scene where the blond guy is
trying to have sex with Anne Hathaway.

1085
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:55,187
She keeps saying no. He keeps trying.

1086
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:56,563
She keeps saying no.

1087
00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:57,981
So my niece says,

1088
00:46:58,065 --> 00:47:01,777
"What the fuck?! She said no.
Why isn't he listening to her?"

1089
00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:03,904
I don't know what came over me.

1090
00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,615
I go, "I don't know. Why are you talking
to her in the movie, bitch?

1091
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:08,158
[audience laughs]

1092
00:47:09,618 --> 00:47:12,120
"It's in Paris. It's romantic, okay?"

1093
00:47:15,249 --> 00:47:16,875
Can't enjoy anything anymore.

1094
00:47:19,419 --> 00:47:22,047
He's offering you a job. Do it. Okay?

1095
00:47:22,130 --> 00:47:23,924
[audience laughs]

1096
00:47:24,007 --> 00:47:25,634
Don't you wanna work? [laughs]

1097
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,387
[inhales deeply]

1098
00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:32,224
And then she also said,
"Ugh, so much body shaming."

1099
00:47:32,307 --> 00:47:35,394
And I was like, "Do you wanna work
in fashion or not? I don't…

1100
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:36,478
[audience laughing]

1101
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:38,230
I don't know what to tell you.

1102
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:39,940
[smacks lips]

1103
00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:44,236
Body stuff, of course,
you know, difficult. Difficult.

1104
00:47:44,319 --> 00:47:46,029
Last year, I lost 40 pounds.

1105
00:47:46,113 --> 00:47:47,781
Before you clap,
you know, I gained it back.

1106
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:50,909
Um, but it didn't seem
like any of you were gonna clap.

1107
00:47:50,993 --> 00:47:52,995
-Um…
-[audience laughs]

1108
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:55,414
But…

1109
00:47:56,915 --> 00:48:00,627
Usually, you know
that it's, like, a fun dynamic, but…

1110
00:48:02,045 --> 00:48:03,547
Yep, no, gained it back.

1111
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:05,132
Um, it's fine.

1112
00:48:05,215 --> 00:48:06,842
If you're on a weight-loss journey though,

1113
00:48:06,925 --> 00:48:09,136
my biggest advice is don't throw away
your old clothes.

1114
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:13,765
That is the best and most realistic
advice you're gonna get.

1115
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:16,977
You get cocky. You're like, "Yeah, I'm
gonna eat ground turkey for fucking life."

1116
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:18,562
You know?

1117
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:20,564
And then you realize Greek yogurt sucks.

1118
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:24,026
And, um… And then
you don't have any dresses.

1119
00:48:24,109 --> 00:48:25,068
So…

1120
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:27,529
And it sucks to go buy dresses.

1121
00:48:27,613 --> 00:48:29,823
Plus size dresses…
Plus size shopping sucks.

1122
00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:32,034
Like, the plus size store
in my old neighborhood,

1123
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:33,785
it was called the Plus Bus. Yeah.

1124
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:35,662
[audience laughing]

1125
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:36,747
Yeah.

1126
00:48:37,247 --> 00:48:39,917
'Cause people would be like,
"I love your dress. Where'd you get it?"

1127
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,711
And then I had to go,
"I got it at the Plus Bus." So…

1128
00:48:42,794 --> 00:48:44,379
[audience laughing]

1129
00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:47,174
"I'm sure you don't want it anymore."
Like… [laughs]

1130
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,009
But also, what is it?

1131
00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:50,761
Are we getting on the bus
or are we the bus?

1132
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:52,763
-What's happening?
-[audience laughing]

1133
00:48:53,639 --> 00:48:55,974
What is it? I don't understand it even.

1134
00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:58,060
[audience laughing]

1135
00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:01,188
The Macy's on 34th Street was the worst.

1136
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:04,274
The plus size section was
on the seventh floor, next to the bedding.

1137
00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,360
Shady. Um…

1138
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:08,445
[audience laughs]

1139
00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:12,574
But then, at one point, they built
an Auntie Anne's pretzels

1140
00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:14,826
inside the plus size section.

1141
00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:18,914
Is Regina George head of marketing? I…

1142
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:20,040
[audience laughing]

1143
00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:24,002
Wafting salted dough through the aisles.

1144
00:49:24,086 --> 00:49:27,631
Let me buy my pocketless pants in peace.
Like, let me do that.

1145
00:49:29,383 --> 00:49:31,885
Yeah, not enough room for a pocket. Fuck.

1146
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:35,430
Just wanna throw coins at us,
see where we put them.

1147
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,142
So wild. [exhales]

1148
00:49:39,226 --> 00:49:41,895
I am… I am healthier now.

1149
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,855
Because I had a couple moments
where I was like,

1150
00:49:43,939 --> 00:49:45,816
"Oh, this is not good.
I gotta get it together."

1151
00:49:45,899 --> 00:49:49,861
Um, when I wasn't feeling…
I just wasn't feeling good

1152
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:51,780
and I told a friend, I said,

1153
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,074
"Fuck, what if I have diabetes?"

1154
00:49:54,157 --> 00:49:56,618
And he said… [gasps]
"Are you losing weight rapidly?"

1155
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:59,538
And I was like, "Okay,
I guess I don't have diabetes." I…

1156
00:49:59,621 --> 00:50:00,872
[audience laughs]

1157
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,292
That was a low point.
To be jealous of diabetic lifestyle.

1158
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:07,212
Just like, "I wanna have fun sticker."
It was, um…

1159
00:50:08,088 --> 00:50:09,006
not good.

1160
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:11,633
I have a thyroid disorder. That's my fun.

1161
00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:12,843
That's my fun thing.

1162
00:50:12,926 --> 00:50:14,553
-Okay. Wow. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

1163
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:17,973
No, I got it because I was born,
you know, near Chernobyl.

1164
00:50:18,056 --> 00:50:19,725
So I got it from Chernobyl.

1165
00:50:19,808 --> 00:50:22,060
-Name-drop. Okay. Um…
-[audience laughs]

1166
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:24,396
[laughing]

1167
00:50:25,897 --> 00:50:28,108
Uh-- Wha--

1168
00:50:28,775 --> 00:50:29,943
Nice. [laughs]

1169
00:50:30,569 --> 00:50:32,654
No, I-- I do go to an endocrinologist.

1170
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:35,490
Um, any-- anyone on Levothyroxine?

1171
00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:36,950
[women] Whoo!

1172
00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:41,246
That… That is my number one target demo,
it's girls with thyroid disorders. Okay.

1173
00:50:41,329 --> 00:50:42,789
[audience laughs]

1174
00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,666
But my thyroid doctor once…

1175
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:47,878
I said to her, I go, "I read that coffee
is really bad for your thyroid."

1176
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:49,629
"I'm thinking of
cutting it out of my life."

1177
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:53,425
And she looked at me and goes, "Liza,
coffee's the least of your problems."

1178
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:54,968
[audience laughs]

1179
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:59,097
To be bullied by an endocrinologist,
like, fuck. But… [laughs]

1180
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:01,975
Uh… Okay, the other…

1181
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:05,520
My other, like, kind of wake-up moment
to get into my health was…

1182
00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:08,857
Again, a doctor thing. You know,
I'm really into the portal. You know?

1183
00:51:08,940 --> 00:51:10,025
Like, for-- [laughs]

1184
00:51:10,859 --> 00:51:12,903
Uh, like the-- I'm not Donnie Darko.

1185
00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:14,362
Um, not time travel,

1186
00:51:14,446 --> 00:51:16,823
but like, um, the patient portal.
The patient portal.

1187
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,409
I like it. I like communicating
with doctors in there.

1188
00:51:19,493 --> 00:51:22,829
I just feel like you could do whatever.
Because I think it's a great invention.

1189
00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:26,333
When I was 16, I remember distinctly
calling my gynocologist

1190
00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:28,251
in the middle of the night,
hysterically crying.

1191
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:30,962
Because I thought I had herpes,
and it was…

1192
00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:33,965
-Razor burn. Yeah, I know. Razor burn.
-[audience laughs]

1193
00:51:35,425 --> 00:51:38,178
I was a virgin. I was a virgin.
Um, I was virgin.

1194
00:51:40,180 --> 00:51:45,310
Just a teen learning how to shave.
Ruining my doctor's night. But…

1195
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:48,063
[exhales]

1196
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:50,065
…my…

1197
00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:52,984
Now on my patient portal,
I wrote to a doctor.

1198
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:56,029
I had back pain. Basically,
my back was hurting underneath my ribs

1199
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:58,115
and it wasn't going away.
It was like four days in.

1200
00:51:58,198 --> 00:52:00,450
So, I finally messaged my doctor.

1201
00:52:00,534 --> 00:52:02,285
She called me back.

1202
00:52:02,369 --> 00:52:04,830
And, um, she starts asking me
all these questions.

1203
00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:06,915
'Cause I, legit, was like,
"My kidneys are failing."

1204
00:52:06,998 --> 00:52:09,251
And so, she asked me all these questions.

1205
00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:13,588
And she asks, "Well, did you do
any regular physical activity?"

1206
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:16,091
And then it hit me
that I had gone bowling.

1207
00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:18,176
-And…
-[audience laughing]

1208
00:52:19,177 --> 00:52:21,763
We only rented the lane for an hour
and there was six of us.

1209
00:52:21,847 --> 00:52:23,223
So the thought that like…

1210
00:52:23,306 --> 00:52:26,393
I thought my kidneys were failing
off of a couple bowl--

1211
00:52:26,476 --> 00:52:29,980
Yeah, I… I had to get it together.

1212
00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:31,064
You know what else sucks?

1213
00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:32,983
Has this happened to you
where someone tells you

1214
00:52:33,066 --> 00:52:35,527
about the worst thing they've done
and they couldn't believe it?

1215
00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:38,905
And then you have to pretend
like you don't do that every day.

1216
00:52:40,031 --> 00:52:41,575
[all laughing]

1217
00:52:43,577 --> 00:52:45,370
That is tough.

1218
00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:49,624
Your everyday lifestyle
is someone's, like, rock bottom.

1219
00:52:51,293 --> 00:52:53,003
I would say a friend of a friend.

1220
00:52:53,086 --> 00:52:54,796
Um, I don't like her. Okay?

1221
00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:58,091
But, uh, she was explaining to me

1222
00:52:58,175 --> 00:53:01,303
that she got stranded at the airport,
all flights canceled.

1223
00:53:01,386 --> 00:53:04,681
She couldn't get a hotel.
Everything is closed.

1224
00:53:04,764 --> 00:53:08,351
And she could-- And then she goes,
"Ugh, so I had to go to McDonald's."

1225
00:53:09,060 --> 00:53:11,521
"I had a Bic Mac,
but I took the middle bun out."

1226
00:53:11,605 --> 00:53:12,814
And I had to be like,

1227
00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:16,109
"Not a Big Mac! I am…

1228
00:53:16,943 --> 00:53:18,612
so sorry."

1229
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,405
"That's disgusting."

1230
00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:23,909
Every day I have to make a choice
to not go to McDonald's.

1231
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:25,785
I love it so fucking much.

1232
00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:27,537
Like, I… I could… Yeah.

1233
00:53:27,621 --> 00:53:29,831
Yeah, I hate that girl.
Honestly, I hope you're watching.

1234
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:31,791
-I, um…
-[audience laughs]

1235
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:32,751
I hate her.

1236
00:53:32,834 --> 00:53:34,294
[audience cheering]

1237
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:36,379
[sighs]

1238
00:53:37,589 --> 00:53:38,757
Oh man.

1239
00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:41,426
Yeah, I'm, uh… I'm a menace.

1240
00:53:41,509 --> 00:53:44,512
I… I'm a gossip. I talk shit.

1241
00:53:44,596 --> 00:53:48,725
I'm a little bit chaotic when it comes
to that side of my life. Yeah.

1242
00:53:48,808 --> 00:53:50,018
I talk shit. I do.

1243
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:51,394
My therapist said,

1244
00:53:51,478 --> 00:53:53,647
"Are you just scared
if you're not talking shit,

1245
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:55,440
you don't have anything to say?"

1246
00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:59,277
And I said, "Sherry,
who's paying who here? I am…

1247
00:53:59,361 --> 00:54:01,321
[audience laughs]

1248
00:54:01,404 --> 00:54:04,074
…very confused with the way
you're speaking to me right now."

1249
00:54:05,158 --> 00:54:06,076
No, I deserved it.

1250
00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:08,078
I thought a friend
and a married friend were fucking.

1251
00:54:08,161 --> 00:54:09,996
Then I told everybody
and then it was not true.

1252
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:12,082
-And so…
-[audience laughing]

1253
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:16,753
I know, but they're still my friends,
so how am I gonna learn a lesson?

1254
00:54:16,836 --> 00:54:18,213
You know what I mean? Like…

1255
00:54:19,297 --> 00:54:21,007
Be fun. [laughs]

1256
00:54:21,633 --> 00:54:24,135
Then you can try
to destroy a marriage. [laughs]

1257
00:54:25,220 --> 00:54:27,222
Then hold their baby at Christmas. Okay.

1258
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:28,473
But, no… [laughs]

1259
00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:30,475
I think it's the nice thing to do.

1260
00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:32,936
We should let your friends and family
talk shit about you.

1261
00:54:33,019 --> 00:54:35,105
I really believe
that's the kind thing to do.

1262
00:54:35,188 --> 00:54:37,148
We're all very difficult. We're annoying.

1263
00:54:37,232 --> 00:54:38,608
We're quirky people.

1264
00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:41,111
And I think we should let our friends
talk shit about us.

1265
00:54:41,194 --> 00:54:43,655
I hate when people go,
"Say it to my face!"

1266
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:46,950
-You don't wanna hear this. Um…
-[audience laughs]

1267
00:54:47,701 --> 00:54:48,785
No, no, no, no.

1268
00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:51,329
Your marriage is crumbling,
we've noticed, so…

1269
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:54,749
If you want me to come over
for the barbecue,

1270
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:56,084
I need a half hour.

1271
00:54:56,167 --> 00:54:58,795
Um, I need a half hour.
I hate your husband.

1272
00:54:58,878 --> 00:55:00,297
Okay, um…

1273
00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:01,840
No, my friend's husband's the worst.

1274
00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:03,300
Like, this is a small example.

1275
00:55:03,383 --> 00:55:06,511
One time, we're all hanging out with her.
We were, like, having a great time.

1276
00:55:06,594 --> 00:55:07,887
He walks in the room.

1277
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:11,558
And he asks,
"Hey, where's the frozen fruit?"

1278
00:55:13,184 --> 00:55:15,645
It broke me. It broke me. It broke me.

1279
00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:19,566
There's a clue in the name.
Okay? There's a clue.

1280
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,444
Do you have other appliances
that freeze shit?

1281
00:55:22,527 --> 00:55:25,405
Then get on Shark Tank.
How about that? That would be amazing.

1282
00:55:26,114 --> 00:55:28,742
Maybe we can respect you for once. Um…

1283
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:31,161
That went too far.
That went too far. But… [laughs]

1284
00:55:31,703 --> 00:55:34,414
She has to raise kids with a man
who doesn't know where frozen fruit--

1285
00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:36,583
I just wanna know
where he looked. That's it.

1286
00:55:36,666 --> 00:55:41,671
I just… I just wanna know
where he looked.

1287
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:42,714
But I thought--

1288
00:55:42,797 --> 00:55:45,967
I have one friend. Um, so I went over
to her house for her birthday party.

1289
00:55:46,051 --> 00:55:48,428
But I flew in and all of her friends left.

1290
00:55:48,511 --> 00:55:49,888
So I was the only one left.

1291
00:55:49,971 --> 00:55:51,473
And we're hanging out,

1292
00:55:51,556 --> 00:55:54,601
and I go, "Um, so do you want
to talk shit, or…"

1293
00:55:55,226 --> 00:55:56,936
And she's… "What?"

1294
00:55:57,020 --> 00:55:59,230
And I go, "Everyone left.
You wanna talk shit about them?"

1295
00:55:59,314 --> 00:56:01,441
And she goes, "Those are my friends
and I love them,

1296
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:02,525
and we had a great time."

1297
00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:04,611
"I don't know what you're trying to do."

1298
00:56:04,694 --> 00:56:08,073
And I said, "Yeah. No, I love them too,
but don't you wanna talk about them?"

1299
00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:10,200
"Like, I don't… I don't understand."

1300
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:12,118
"I do not understand."

1301
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:15,663
And she would not talk shit.
She would not goss-- Nothing.

1302
00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:17,874
And so we're hanging out and then I go,

1303
00:56:17,957 --> 00:56:19,918
"That one couple,
they're just not into marriage."

1304
00:56:20,001 --> 00:56:21,628
"They've been together for a while."

1305
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:23,088
And then, she goes,

1306
00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:25,840
"She wants to get married, he doesn't.
Are you happy now?"

1307
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:28,009
-I'm like, "Yeah." [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

1308
00:56:28,843 --> 00:56:30,220
"I am." [laughs]

1309
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:34,474
I knew. I knew there was something.
I just… I knew it.

1310
00:56:35,225 --> 00:56:36,476
I really did.

1311
00:56:36,559 --> 00:56:38,812
And the thing is, I'm gonna bring it down.
I'm so sorry.

1312
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:40,939
But I do think
about fascism a lot. It's, uh…

1313
00:56:41,022 --> 00:56:42,440
I do. I think about fascism.

1314
00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:44,818
I think about the destruction
of what's happening.

1315
00:56:44,901 --> 00:56:48,446
I'm… I'm terrified,
and then it just goes darker and darker.

1316
00:56:48,530 --> 00:56:50,365
Then I'm like,
"Oh my God. The labor camps."

1317
00:56:50,448 --> 00:56:52,742
"We're gonna be in a labor camp.
What am I gonna do?"

1318
00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:54,577
And then, I get so scared 'cause, like,

1319
00:56:54,661 --> 00:56:58,123
what if I'm still annoying
in the labor camp?

1320
00:56:58,206 --> 00:56:59,958
[audience laughs]

1321
00:57:00,041 --> 00:57:02,377
We think about being physically fit,
mentally strong,

1322
00:57:02,460 --> 00:57:04,963
but what if you're too chatty
for the camps, right?

1323
00:57:05,046 --> 00:57:06,506
[audience laughing]

1324
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:09,300
We don't think about that.
What if you can't whisper?

1325
00:57:09,384 --> 00:57:14,139
What… What if you're a messy bitch
who thrives on drama?

1326
00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:15,265
Like, what?

1327
00:57:16,474 --> 00:57:18,101
The camps are not gonna be good for…

1328
00:57:18,184 --> 00:57:21,729
I can see myself digging one day,
you know, one of the main camp activities.

1329
00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:23,523
Um… [laughs]

1330
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,359
Just looking at a guard.

1331
00:57:27,735 --> 00:57:30,572
Yeah, we're working.
Yeah, thanks. Yeah, we're good.

1332
00:57:30,655 --> 00:57:32,490
We're good. We're good.

1333
00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:35,326
Nice boots. Uh-huh.

1334
00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:36,953
[audience laughs]

1335
00:57:38,121 --> 00:57:40,540
Did you see who he fucked?
That was hot. [laughs]

1336
00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:45,170
And you know I would, uh, take my pajama
and make it into a crop top.

1337
00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:49,215
Um, fashion forward in the camps.

1338
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:50,758
Um, okay.

1339
00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:54,554
Clap if you are a good driver.

1340
00:57:55,180 --> 00:57:57,182
[audience clapping]

1341
00:57:59,017 --> 00:58:00,852
Okay. Clap if you're a bad driver.

1342
00:58:00,935 --> 00:58:02,812
[scattered clapping]

1343
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:04,856
Okay. All right.

1344
00:58:04,939 --> 00:58:07,525
Cool. Don't worry. I'm gonna speak
on behalf of the bad drivers.

1345
00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:09,319
I'm really excited.

1346
00:58:09,402 --> 00:58:11,488
And there's so many good drivers here,

1347
00:58:11,571 --> 00:58:13,239
so I'm really lucky. Um…

1348
00:58:14,282 --> 00:58:17,035
I just wanna change your perspective
just a little bit.

1349
00:58:17,118 --> 00:58:18,828
I just… Maybe you're not understanding.

1350
00:58:18,912 --> 00:58:20,705
So, as a bad driver,

1351
00:58:20,788 --> 00:58:23,041
when we make a mistake on the road,

1352
00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:25,460
we know what we've done. Okay?

1353
00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:28,505
We're not confused.
We're on a highway median.

1354
00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:30,215
-Okay? Like…
-[audience laughing]

1355
00:58:32,592 --> 00:58:35,428
Clearly, there's been
a mistake, right? Like…

1356
00:58:36,429 --> 00:58:38,389
I get what's happening. I've caused it.

1357
00:58:38,473 --> 00:58:39,557
And even if I did it…

1358
00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:41,518
What are you doing?

1359
00:58:42,477 --> 00:58:44,771
What are you do-- What--
Why are you looking at me?

1360
00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:45,772
What--

1361
00:58:46,397 --> 00:58:49,025
It's me, bitch. I'm scared too. Okay?

1362
00:58:49,108 --> 00:58:50,735
[all laughing]

1363
00:58:51,736 --> 00:58:54,113
No reason to glare.
We know there's a problem.

1364
00:58:54,197 --> 00:58:55,281
Stop it.

1365
00:58:55,949 --> 00:58:56,824
Stop it.

1366
00:58:56,908 --> 00:59:00,745
So when we go into a red light,
that's our moment to relax, reflect.

1367
00:59:00,828 --> 00:59:01,746
Take a breath.

1368
00:59:01,829 --> 00:59:04,832
I just wanna breathe,
but I can't 'cause I feel you.

1369
00:59:04,916 --> 00:59:06,501
I feel you.

1370
00:59:06,584 --> 00:59:08,878
And I don't get it.
Like, I know why I'm upset.

1371
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:12,674
I was about to serve 15
for vehicular manslaughter. Okay?

1372
00:59:14,092 --> 00:59:17,011
So I know why I'm in a mood,
but… [exhales sharply]

1373
00:59:19,514 --> 00:59:22,433
Why are you… What's wrong with…
Why are you so mad?

1374
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:23,726
Why are you so mad?

1375
00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:28,231
I am just a girl in the right lane
trying to take a left. You know?

1376
00:59:28,314 --> 00:59:30,650
[audience laughing, applauding]

1377
00:59:30,733 --> 00:59:32,610
Let me in. [laughs]

1378
00:59:33,611 --> 00:59:35,321
Let me in.

1379
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:36,823
I'm not Vin Diesel.

1380
00:59:36,906 --> 00:59:39,534
I'm not trying
to fuck with your family. Okay?

1381
00:59:40,493 --> 00:59:42,370
I'm not trying to Tokyo Drift here.

1382
00:59:42,453 --> 00:59:44,998
Like, I… I was just running late.

1383
00:59:45,081 --> 00:59:48,418
I thought I found a fun little lane.
It wasn't. It wasn't.

1384
00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:52,505
It wasn't a secret.
It was actually a school drop-off.

1385
00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,132
Okay? So…

1386
00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:58,803
I gotta get back in. I gotta get back in.

1387
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:04,892
It's raining? I can't see. I can't see.

1388
01:00:04,976 --> 01:00:06,019
Hot air, cold air.

1389
01:00:06,102 --> 01:00:08,813
What button?
I don't remember. I don't remember.

1390
01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:10,607
I do not remember.

1391
01:00:10,690 --> 01:00:14,193
I just need you to know
I am trying my best.

1392
01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:16,738
JK, I'm on my phone. Okay.

1393
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,072
[mimics horn blowing]

1394
01:00:18,156 --> 01:00:19,324
[laughing]

1395
01:00:19,407 --> 01:00:20,783
[mimics horn blowing]

1396
01:00:21,868 --> 01:00:23,077
Listen, that's the end.

1397
01:00:23,161 --> 01:00:25,079
Okay. Thank you so much.

1398
01:00:25,163 --> 01:00:26,914
[audience cheering]

1399
01:00:26,998 --> 01:00:28,583
["What I Want" by MUNA playing]

1400
01:00:28,666 --> 01:00:30,710
♪ I'm gonna drink a lot ♪

1401
01:00:30,793 --> 01:00:32,795
♪ I'm gonna take a shot ♪

1402
01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:37,133
♪ 'Cause that's just
What I want, want, want ♪

1403
01:00:37,216 --> 01:00:41,054
♪ What I want, want, want ♪

1404
01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:42,889
♪ Mmm ♪

1405
01:00:42,972 --> 01:00:46,684
♪ And when I see my friend
Put something on her tongue ♪

1406
01:00:46,768 --> 01:00:48,895
♪ I'm gonna ask for one ♪

1407
01:00:48,978 --> 01:00:53,149
♪ 'Cause that's just
What I want, want, want ♪

1408
01:00:53,232 --> 01:00:57,612
♪ What I want, want, I want ♪

1409
01:00:57,695 --> 01:01:02,659
♪ I've spent way too, too, too many years
Not knowing what ♪

1410
01:01:02,742 --> 01:01:06,829
♪ What I wanted, how to get it
How to live it and now ♪

1411
01:01:07,538 --> 01:01:10,875
♪ I'm gonna make up for it all at once ♪

1412
01:01:10,958 --> 01:01:14,379
♪ 'Cause that's, that's just what I want ♪

1413
01:01:14,462 --> 01:01:18,466
♪ I want the full effects
I wanna hit it hard ♪

1414
01:01:18,549 --> 01:01:22,637
♪ I wanna dance
In the middle of a gay bar ♪

1415
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:26,891
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
That's what I want ♪

1416
01:01:26,974 --> 01:01:28,935
♪ There's nothing wrong with what I want ♪

1417
01:01:29,018 --> 01:01:30,436
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

1418
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:34,440
♪ I want the fireworks
I want the chemistry ♪

1419
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:38,569
♪ I want that girl right over there
To wanna date me ♪

1420
01:01:38,653 --> 01:01:42,699
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
That's what I want ♪

1421
01:01:42,782 --> 01:01:44,909
♪ There's nothing wrong with what I want ♪

1422
01:01:44,992 --> 01:01:46,661
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

1423
01:01:46,744 --> 01:01:50,832
♪ She's dancing to the song
With all her leather on ♪

1424
01:01:50,915 --> 01:01:52,875
♪ I think we'll get along ♪

1425
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:57,130
♪ 'Cause she's got
What I want, want, want ♪

1426
01:01:57,213 --> 01:02:00,925
♪ What I want, want, I want ♪