1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:09,676 You feel it coming don't want to acknowledge it 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:12,929 So sick of fronting Stand up in front of it 5 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,724 'Cause I don't wanna waste no time 6 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,851 I don't wanna waste no time 7 00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:20,603 Don't hear your mother Father, or family 8 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,732 They said it won't give up Well, wait and see 9 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:26,109 'Cause I don't wanna waste no time 10 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,320 'Cause everybody's playin' it loose 11 00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:32,407 But what if we were real with it? 12 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:37,996 'Cause honestly I'm just too good for that half love 13 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:42,375 Know that you've been feelin' it too Ah, admit the truth 14 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:43,626 Thanks so much. 15 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,671 Never gonna love another like you… 16 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,674 Thank you, guys. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. 17 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:52,385 How are you? Hey. 18 00:00:54,637 --> 00:00:56,014 Thank you so much. I… 19 00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,726 Thank you. 20 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,394 I… 21 00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,525 About a year ago… 22 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,946 I'm walking my daughter home from school. 23 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,074 My wife and daughter and I live in Brooklyn. 24 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:17,077 There's all these smoke shops there, and they have cutesy names 25 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,579 like Blazy Susan… 26 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,041 …and Yes We Cannabis. 27 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,667 And… 28 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,921 And my daughter Oona looks up, she's nine years old, 29 00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:33,468 she looks up at the name of a shop, and she goes, "Dad, what's the good life?" 30 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,097 I was like, "I don't even know." 31 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,227 "It's not what I'm doing." And… 32 00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:44,395 But it was one of those moments where I'm like, 33 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:48,149 "I should try to explain drugs as best I can." 34 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:53,530 It's like, "Well, some people use drugs, and they sort of make your brain happy, 35 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,448 but it's sort of a fake happy, 36 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:59,369 and you don't wanna get too happy 'cause then you gotta use more drugs 37 00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:02,539 to get it as happy as it was the first time." 38 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,708 "And then the eighth or ninth time, you're in real trouble." 39 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:09,170 "Anyway, Mom and I use them sometimes." 40 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:12,298 "Not often, mostly when we were younger." 41 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,760 "Not your age. Like three years older than you are now." 42 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,931 And, of course, I have to explain drugs to my daughter, 43 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:22,517 but I don't-- No one explained it to me. 44 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,144 My parents didn't explain it. 45 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:27,272 The closest thing to it was in sixth grade, 46 00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:30,316 they had the D.A.R.E. program, and it was the '80s. 47 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:36,364 It was an acronym that stood for Drug Abuse Resistance… Education, 48 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:39,784 which sort of feels like it was written by someone on drugs. 49 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,870 You know, like… 50 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,830 "It's gotta be four words!" 51 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,666 "We know what the 'D' is!" 52 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:54,465 "We're printing the shirts on Monday!" You know? 53 00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,927 It was a very shirt-driven campaign, 54 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:03,349 and those shirts are worn, ironically, to this day, 55 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,895 by people actively on drugs. 56 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,062 And… 57 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:16,654 before the D.A.R.E. program, I had not considered using drugs, and… 58 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,327 …once they laid out all the options, 59 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:25,914 I was like, "I should try these drugs and make an educated decision, 60 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,499 because they made it sound pretty exciting." 61 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:31,461 Like, "Kids will come up to you." I was like, "Keep talking." 62 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,880 Like, kids… kids hadn't come up to me. 63 00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:36,591 This was the most exciting social development 64 00:03:37,675 --> 00:03:38,593 of my childhood. 65 00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:41,721 "Kids are gonna come up to you. They're gonna offer you crank… 66 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:45,767 …and boomers, 67 00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:47,894 and angel dust." 68 00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:49,729 I was like, "Angel dust?" 69 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,523 I was a sixth-grade altar boy. I was like, 70 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,567 "I shall try this angel dust!" 71 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,696 "Soar to the heavens aside my Lord Jesus Christ!" 72 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,785 To this day, I have not been offered crank, 73 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,663 …nor angel dust, 74 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:09,707 nor… nor any-- I mean, nor even cocaine. 75 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,460 I've nev-- I've never seen cocaine. 76 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:16,547 Sometimes people don't even believe it when I say that. I work in nightclubs. 77 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:20,176 Not once has someone thought, "We should show it to Mike." 78 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,639 It's like, "What do I look like? I…" 79 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:26,891 That's how people see me. 80 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,352 I was in Washington Square Park the other day, 81 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,729 and this stranger was walking in front of me, 82 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,440 and someone said to that stranger, 83 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:38,278 "You got an undercover cop walking behind you." And… 84 00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:47,912 And then he looked back at me, 85 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,498 and I looked behind me, 86 00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:53,001 and there was no one there. 87 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,672 And I said to this stranger, I go, "No." 88 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,676 Which is exactly what an undercover cop would say. 89 00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:09,475 So I don't, you know-- I've never used recreational drugs. 90 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,061 In college, my friends would smoke pot, 91 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,023 but I was the least fun person to smoke with. 92 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:17,734 I was the guy who was like, "Do you guys hate me?" 93 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,319 "Why does my heart hurt?" 94 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:23,072 "Is that rickets? Who's at the door Who's at the door? Who's at the door?" 95 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,908 Like, I just wasn't a good hang, 96 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:30,288 and so I just veered away from all that, and… 97 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,583 But I use prescription drugs. 98 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:37,003 I don't want to, but I have to, 99 00:05:37,086 --> 00:05:40,089 because I have a serious sleepwalking disorder. 100 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,674 About 20 years ago, 101 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:45,678 I sleepwalked through a second-story window 102 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,764 of a La Quinta Inn 103 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,849 in Walla Walla, Washington. 104 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:51,392 True story. 105 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:52,810 And when you do that once, 106 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:56,272 they always bring it up when you go to the doctor, and… 107 00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,985 I was diagnosed 20 years ago with this very rare condition 108 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,237 called REM sleep behavior disorder. 109 00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:06,532 And I've talked about it so much in my comedy specials, 110 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:12,622 that when you go to med school, and you study sleep disorders, in the DSM, 111 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:15,875 the example of REM behavior disorder 112 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,044 is me. 113 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,718 My dad is a doctor. 114 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:28,805 He wanted me to go to med school, and I didn't… 115 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,057 but I'm in there. 116 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:35,978 I basically teach. 117 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:45,655 I went to my sleep doctor a couple years ago and mentioned this. 118 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:49,992 I go, "You know in the DSM, I'm the example of RBD." 119 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,994 And he goes, "That's not good." 120 00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:56,707 I go, "What do you mean?" 121 00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:58,709 "We did it." 122 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,967 He goes, "The problem is that I'm not entirely convinced 123 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,594 that's exactly what you have." 124 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,934 And I said, "We're going to have to write a mass email… 125 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,273 …because there's a lot of people walking around this earth 126 00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,859 thinking they have Mike Birbiglia disease, 127 00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:25,778 and Mike Birbiglia might not have it." 128 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,781 Can you imagine if Lou Gehrig… 129 00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,996 …was like, "Actually, I'm feeling pretty good." 130 00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:37,999 "I think I might play baseball again." 131 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,710 People would have been furious. 132 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:48,968 That's right. I just compared myself to Lou Gehrig. 133 00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:55,683 The reason I bring up the sleepwalking 134 00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:59,020 is that 20 years ago, I get diagnosed with REM sleep behavior disorder, 135 00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:01,105 and they put me on Klonopin. 136 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:05,485 And I recently went to a new doctor, and she's looking at my chart, 137 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:08,404 and she goes, "You've been on Klonopin for 20 years?" 138 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,948 And I go, "Yeah." And she goes, "All right." 139 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,033 And I was… 140 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:18,414 That is not what you want to hear when you go to the doctor. 141 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,292 I go, "Are you concerned?" 142 00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,669 She goes, "Do you know the side effects?" 143 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:24,921 I go, "I don't know." 144 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:29,425 She goes, "Depression, loss of memory, poor motor skills…" 145 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:35,014 I said, "I just thought that was my personality." 146 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,265 Like it's… 147 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,393 It's a strange moment in one's life 148 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:43,272 when you realize your personality is side effects. 149 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,656 Because then I'm just self-conscious about all my daily activities. 150 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,658 Like, one thing I do every night before bed 151 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,119 is my dosage of Klonopin is one-and-a-half milligrams, 152 00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:01,707 and so I have to break a pill precisely in half, yeah. 153 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:05,002 You know who shouldn't have a precision task like that? 154 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:08,339 Someone with poor motor skills. 155 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:11,509 Because, inevitably, I break it in half, 156 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:15,680 and there's a pile of Klonopin dust on the sink, 157 00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,932 and then I'm depressed, 158 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,851 and I'm crying into the… 159 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:23,271 into the dust, 160 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:27,525 and the tears are merging to form a Klonopin sorbet, 161 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,695 and then I… I lick up… 162 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,452 …what I perceive to be a half a milligram… 163 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,542 but definitely isn't a half a milligram. 164 00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:47,837 So how do I explain that to my daughter? 165 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:58,306 That's the good life. Yeah, that's the good stuff. 166 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:05,646 There are so many things I feel like I can't explain to my daughter. 167 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,691 She's nine years old, and it's just getting harder, 168 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,277 because when they're younger, it sort of doesn't matter. 169 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,613 Like, they're an animated bag of rice, 170 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,990 and you just gotta make sure they stay animated. 171 00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,909 And then, even when they're toddlers, 172 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,244 it's a lot of layups. 173 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:23,289 "What's that?" "That's an egg. I'm a genius." You know? 174 00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:24,206 But… 175 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,170 And my wife doesn't know that much stuff either. 176 00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:31,088 She's a poet. I'm a comedian. 177 00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:33,466 Together, we're a sculptor. 178 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:37,136 We… you know, we just don't know a lot. 179 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:40,556 I mean, we've read hundreds of books about leaves. 180 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,807 We can't… 181 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,395 We can't explain leaves that well. 182 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,605 And… 183 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:52,443 And it just started to become very clear to me about a year ago 184 00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,862 because I get a call from my mom, 185 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:58,157 and she said, "Dad was sick this week, 186 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:03,079 and I tried to get him to go to his doctor, but he wouldn't go." 187 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:06,165 "And then yesterday, he fell down in the bathtub, 188 00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:07,875 and I called 911, 189 00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:12,880 and the ambulance took him into the ER, and it turned out he had had a stroke." 190 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,718 And I get off the phone, 191 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:20,638 and I'm alone in my bedroom, 192 00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:24,183 and I go into my closet, and I'm just sort of organizing things, 193 00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:26,352 and I just start crying alone. 194 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:32,900 And my daughter Oona comes in, and she goes, "Dad, what's wrong?" 195 00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:38,239 And I go, "Well, Grandpa had a stroke." 196 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:44,787 And she says, "Dad, what's a stroke?" 197 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:51,544 And that's when I realized… 198 00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,136 I can't really explain what a stroke is. 199 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,808 I took a swing. 200 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:06,892 I mean… 201 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,895 I know the bullet points. 202 00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:15,109 You know, I go, "It's a brain injury, and there's bleeding in your brain." 203 00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:18,863 And then it was a lot of free association after that, you know. 204 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,577 I was like, "Your brain is bleeding, 205 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,913 and… I'm not sure where the blood was, 206 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:30,291 but I think it was, like, in the vessels, 207 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:34,211 and they're sort of all in there, you know, and… 208 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,006 but now, it's just, you know, everywhere." 209 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,635 "I think. And… 210 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:48,142 I mean, in a way, our whole body is sort of filled with blood." 211 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:54,064 "There's gallons and gallons of blood all over your body." 212 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,692 "In a way, we're bleeding at all times." 213 00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,154 "Maybe ask your mom about that." 214 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,533 "Or Grandpa." 215 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,953 "But not this week, you know." And… 216 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,708 So Oona goes, "Is Grandpa Vin going to be okay?" 217 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,504 And I go, "I don't know. I'm going to go home tonight." 218 00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:20,049 So that night, I drove to Providence, Rhode Island, 219 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,091 to the hospital, 220 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:25,304 and I take the elevator up to the eighth floor, 221 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:31,060 to the stroke unit, and I see my dad, and he's just a shell of himself. 222 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:35,105 He can't move half of his body, and he can't really speak. 223 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:38,442 And the neurologist came in, and she goes, "Vince!" 224 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,695 "We're going to do a spinal tap." 225 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,991 My dad happens to be a retired neurologist. 226 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,495 So from the condition he was in, 227 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:55,125 he suggested a type of spinal tap. 228 00:13:55,209 --> 00:14:00,256 He goes, "Guided spinal tap." 229 00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:02,758 Which is impressive. 230 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:08,722 But also a good example of how controlling my dad is. 231 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:09,765 I'm… 232 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,727 I'm watching a half-dead neurologist 233 00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:17,648 tell a fully-alive neurologist 234 00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:20,693 …how to do her job. 235 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:24,655 I mean, that is next-level mansplaining. 236 00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:25,656 I mean, that is… 237 00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,492 …that's dead-mansplaining. 238 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,997 If you don't… If you don't know the term "mansplain," 239 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:38,419 it's when a man explains to a woman something she might understand better 240 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:39,837 than the man. 241 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,008 I'm not explaining it to you. I'm conveying it. 242 00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:47,928 I am "man-veying," and… 243 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,729 It was devastating seeing my dad in this condition, 244 00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:58,397 because when I was a kid, 245 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,610 I always viewed my dad as larger than life. 246 00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,654 He was almost like a mythological creature. 247 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,325 In a way, I sort of wanted to be my dad 248 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,660 because he knew so much stuff. 249 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,579 He was a doctor, 250 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:17,207 and in his free time, he got his law degree. 251 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:18,834 Yeah. 252 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,212 That's how much he didn't want to be a dad. 253 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:23,380 He was like… 254 00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:30,429 He was like, "What could I do in these slots of time 255 00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:33,015 when I would be parenting?" 256 00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,811 In fairness, we weren't great kids. 257 00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,230 We always wanted a dad… 258 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,528 and he wanted another secondary degree. 259 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:50,240 So our goals were at odds. 260 00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,959 I never saw that side of my dad, you know? 261 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,920 Sometimes when I was a kid, strangers would come up to me. 262 00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:06,173 They'd be like, "Your dad is a great doctor." 263 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,425 I'd be like, "All right," you know. 264 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,136 From Worcester, Massachusetts, that's how everyone talks. 265 00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,181 "Your dad is a great doctor." 266 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,851 "All right, you know, he's not my dad." 267 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,980 I mean, he is my dad. That was Freudian. 268 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,822 I don't know if that will make it in the special. 269 00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:35,202 The whole show is about my dad. "He's not my dad." 270 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,872 "What was that first part where he said it's not his dad?" 271 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:42,584 "Is this going to twist into the ending of Chinatown?" 272 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,465 He wasn't my… 273 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,760 He wasn't my doctor. 274 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,311 Someone came to me recently, I was walking Oona home from school, 275 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,814 and they said, "I love your comedy." I said, "Thanks." 276 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:06,525 They look at Oona and go, "Your dad's a great comedian." 277 00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,610 She was like, "All right." Know what I mean? 278 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,946 I was like, "I know what you mean." 279 00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,741 And we walk a few blocks. 280 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,577 I go, "Oona, what do you think when people say that stuff?" 281 00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,705 And she goes, "It's a waste of my time." And I was like… 282 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:25,169 …that's the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me, 283 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,171 and I know Bill Burr. 284 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:38,057 It's very rare that I would see my dad being a doctor. 285 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,268 I remember one time-- I played soccer when I was a kid. 286 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:45,105 I was the goalie, and one time I dove head-first for the ball, 287 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,525 and I got to it, and then the kid on the other team 288 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,611 kicked my head… 289 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:52,196 I know. 290 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,283 With the intensity he had intended for the ball. 291 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,828 And I don't know the rest of the story, 292 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:05,793 but I have been told that I hopped up and was like, "I'm good," 293 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,588 and they took my word for it, and they kept me in the game. 294 00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:15,552 And about 15 minutes later, I just wander off the field… 295 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:26,772 …onto another field. 296 00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:35,030 My teammates ran over, and they go, "Mike, are you okay?" 297 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:39,743 And I said to them, and I quote, I go, "What are we even doing here?" 298 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,253 And my dad ran onto the field, and he picked me up, 299 00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,338 and he carried me off, and he drove me home, 300 00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:55,050 and he asked me all the questions that doctors ask their patients, 301 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,762 "What's your middle name? What are the classes you take at school?" 302 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,014 I was like, "Okay, this is what my dad does." 303 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,226 And then the other time, when it came up, 304 00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,521 is that I went to Saint Mary School for grade school, 305 00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:11,400 in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts. Every Friday night, we had science club, 306 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,945 which is kind of like a mafia front for Catholic school. 307 00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:18,365 Like, "We believe Jesus turned water into wine, 308 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:22,494 and also, there were dinosaurs," you know? And… 309 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,084 So every Friday night, 310 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:34,131 it's like a different parent explaining… what science has to do with their job. 311 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:36,216 And one night, it was going to be my dad. 312 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,595 And I was so nervous. I was like, "What's he going to say?" 313 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:43,557 "He doesn't know anything about science." 314 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:53,442 And he came in, and he brought his medical tools, 315 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,695 and he took them out one by one and explained what each of them does. 316 00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,656 He took out a three-dimensional model of the brain, 317 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:02,284 explained the hemispheres of the brain, 318 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,369 and all these kids came up to me afterwards, 319 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,997 like, "Your dad is wicked smart." 320 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,083 "You have the smartest dad." 321 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,127 I was like, "Yeah, 322 00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:15,088 I do have the smartest dad." 323 00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:20,093 "But how come he didn't explain any of that stuff to me sooner?" 324 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,764 Because I didn't see a lot of that. 325 00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:27,726 What I'd see of my dad, he'd come home from work around eight o'clock at night, 326 00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,687 and he'd sit in the corner of the living room, read a war novel, 327 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:31,772 and scowl. 328 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,571 And every now and then, he'd sort of fly off the handle 329 00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:40,781 about some little thing. 330 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:44,243 He'd be like, "Where are my goddamn keys?!" You know. 331 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,913 I'd be like, "We gotta find Dad's keys!" 332 00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,209 Spent my whole life looking for those keys. 333 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,462 Jumped through a window to get those keys. 334 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,592 My dad would not like that joke. 335 00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:07,808 We'd look for the keys, and then my mom would just pray. 336 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:11,186 She'd be like, "I'm gonna say a prayer to Saint Anthony." 337 00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:14,940 I was seven. I was like, "I don't think this is gonna work." 338 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:19,152 "We need more concrete tactics to locate the keys." 339 00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,657 If you don't know the Christian Saint Anthony… 340 00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:25,867 he's sort of the finding-stuff guy… 341 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,205 …which feels like a bum deal as a saint. It's… 342 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,458 'Cause it's hard to become a saint. 343 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,460 You gotta perform three miracles, 344 00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:39,339 they have to verify the miracles, you know? 345 00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:42,759 A lot of… A lot of dark money in that space. 346 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:46,513 A lot of, "Yeah, I saw it." 347 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,562 And then they get canonized, if you're lucky, 348 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:58,025 and chances are you find out five minutes before you die, you know? 349 00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:01,028 They're like, "Great news! You're a saint!" 350 00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,821 You're like, "Ah!" You know? 351 00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:06,074 "One last thing. You gotta find everybody's keys." 352 00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,285 You're like, "No!" And then you're dead. 353 00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,254 So I'm with my dad in March at the hospital, and it's devastating. 354 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,882 If you've been with someone who's had a stroke, 355 00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:24,426 it's the worst thing you can possibly imagine. 356 00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:27,137 But I will say, if I'm being completely honest, 357 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:30,557 it has calmed him down. 358 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,603 Stay with me. Most of the jokes are for you, 359 00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,271 but a few of them are for me. 360 00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,149 This is a… This is a coping mechanism. 361 00:22:39,232 --> 00:22:40,984 I hope it is for you too. 362 00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:50,035 I mean, most of the time, this is horrific, 363 00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:54,247 but then every once in a while, I'm like, "Where was the stroke when I was five?" 364 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,582 You know what I mean? 365 00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,963 When I was a kid, he'd be like, "Where are my goddamn keys?!" 366 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,633 Now he's like, "Keys." And I'm like… 367 00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:08,136 I can't say I don't prefer the latter. 368 00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:11,640 It is a little more polite. 369 00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,144 Stay with me. It is my dad. 370 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,604 I'm allowed. 371 00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,691 It would be weird if it was your dad, you know? 372 00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:25,195 I came out here and was like, "This guy's dad is like, 'Keys!'" 373 00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:28,156 You'd be like, "Mike has really crossed a line." 374 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:33,078 The most perverse insult-comic of all time. 375 00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:37,582 "The roast of Mike Birbiglia's audience members' ailing parents!" 376 00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:45,799 So I'm with my dad in March at the hospital, 377 00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:48,051 and then he can't even really move his face, 378 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,720 and so the only way I can understand his expression 379 00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,097 is through his eyes. 380 00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:55,934 And the expression 381 00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:57,978 in his eyes 382 00:23:58,937 --> 00:23:59,813 is fear. 383 00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:05,193 So how do I explain that to my daughter? 384 00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:08,280 That's not the good life. 385 00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,243 So a few days later, I drive home, 386 00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:15,579 and I take my daughter 387 00:24:15,662 --> 00:24:18,165 to one of her friend's birthday parties that weekend. 388 00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:21,251 I go to probably 200-300 children's birthday parties a year. 389 00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,838 It's a huge part of my life. I… 390 00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:26,756 My daughter has six friends. 391 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,010 Last year, I went to 235 children's birthday parties. 392 00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:36,850 The birthday party industrial complex has grown wildly out of control. 393 00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:42,022 It's my least favorite part of my life. I really… 394 00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:44,566 I don't like it, 'cause… 395 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:48,195 'Cause I just don't like my daughter's friends. 396 00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:50,071 Am I allowed to say that? 397 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,281 I don't even know. 398 00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,911 I love my daughter more than anything in the world. 399 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,246 I don't like her friends. I don't know… 400 00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:05,295 I don't know if you've spent a lot of time with nine-year-olds 401 00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:07,005 you're not related to. 402 00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,841 This is an insufferable bunch. 403 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:12,177 When I'm with her friends, I'm like, 404 00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:15,597 "This makes me really not understand pedophilia." 405 00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:17,098 Stay with me. 406 00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:18,642 I'm gonna… 407 00:25:18,725 --> 00:25:23,104 I'm gonna tiptoe through this minefield… of a topic. 408 00:25:23,897 --> 00:25:27,734 You're like, "We weren't with you for the stroke stuff." I… 409 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:37,369 Obviously, I'm evoking the most heinous of crimes, 410 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:40,997 but when I'm with her friends, I'm like, "I don't even get the hook." 411 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:42,457 "I don't get the sell." 412 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:47,379 Who would want to spend any meaningful amount of time 413 00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:48,380 with these people? 414 00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:51,925 I mean, these are our worst and dumbest. 415 00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:57,097 Stay with me. I… I have examples. 416 00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:58,056 So… 417 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:10,360 I'll give you an example. So we're driving to this birthday party, 418 00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:14,072 and it's me and Jenny, 419 00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:16,700 my wife Jenny, our daughter Oona, 420 00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:20,120 and then one of her friends, and then the friend's dad. 421 00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:21,538 And the dads are losers. 422 00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:23,707 Can we talk about the dads for a second? 423 00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:27,002 Not me, the other dad. I mean, they're nothing like me. 424 00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:28,086 I mean… 425 00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,717 …they're all just dead in the eyes, 426 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:37,053 they've recently developed a stutter, they storm into a room, 427 00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:40,557 "If anyone asks, tell them I tried to find oat milk." 428 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,225 You know what I mean? 429 00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:46,813 They're always desperately seeking an alibi 430 00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,941 for a misdemeanor I'm not familiar with, and… 431 00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:55,196 So we're with one of the dads. His name is Rob. 432 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,781 It's one of our good friends. 433 00:26:56,865 --> 00:27:01,119 Jenny and I call him Broccoli Rob, and… 434 00:27:01,202 --> 00:27:02,454 Thanks for laughing. 435 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,250 We think it's hilarious. Broccoli hasn't laughed once. 436 00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:10,170 We've called him this hundreds of times, 437 00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:13,006 which I think is technically bullying. 438 00:27:13,089 --> 00:27:15,925 So it's me, 439 00:27:17,177 --> 00:27:19,804 Jenny, Oona, Broccoli, 440 00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:24,100 and then Broccoli's son Arrow, which is a name. 441 00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,311 I mean, we live in Brooklyn. 442 00:27:26,394 --> 00:27:28,521 It's not the only Arrow we know. 443 00:27:28,605 --> 00:27:31,483 We know a quiver of Arrows. 444 00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:32,525 We know… 445 00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:36,905 a murder of Beaus. I mean… 446 00:27:38,573 --> 00:27:41,868 So we're driving to the birthday party, we stop at this bakery, 447 00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:44,329 and this is what drives me nuts about nine-year-olds. 448 00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:49,125 Arrow says to his dad, "Dad, I don't want 'wosemawy' ciabatta." 449 00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:00,553 "I want 'wegular' ciabatta!" 450 00:28:02,305 --> 00:28:04,849 I wanted to say to this kid, "Look, Arrow." 451 00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:08,895 "Life is going to serve you all kinds of ciabatta." 452 00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:14,442 "If you want to remain true to yourself, hold out for the 'wegular.'" 453 00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:22,951 So we get the "wegular" ciabatta, and we drive from the bakery 454 00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:25,829 to this place called Urban Air, 455 00:28:26,329 --> 00:28:29,499 which, if you don't-- Yeah, if you don't know these places, 456 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,961 it's like a birthday party factory. 457 00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:37,757 It's like… It's like a warehouse with, like, trampolines and ice cream, 458 00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:42,387 and those sticks from American Gladiators that kids can whack each other with, 459 00:28:42,470 --> 00:28:44,639 and the moment you enter, 460 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:47,225 you have to sign a stack of forms, 461 00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,146 because they know your child is about to be injured. 462 00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:54,357 And they get real specific. 463 00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:57,944 It's like, "Your daughter is about to be stuck under a rusty trampoline." 464 00:28:58,027 --> 00:28:59,237 "Mike Birbiglia." 465 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,865 "She may jump so high, her head is stuck in the rafters." 466 00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:03,074 "Mike Birbiglia." 467 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,161 "She may throw up on a rusty trampoline." 468 00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,663 "You have to clean it up with your own mop and bucket, 469 00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:10,832 available for purchase at the Urban Air store." 470 00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:11,916 "Mike Birbiglia." 471 00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,503 As you're filling out these forms, 472 00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:17,922 the loudspeaker is like, 473 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:21,885 "Angelina's birthday party in room 571." 474 00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:27,223 "Joshua's birthday party in room 1,310." 475 00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:33,897 It's like the Seventh Circle of Hell, and all I want to do is go home. 476 00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:37,859 Fortunately, our daughter is injured almost immediately, 477 00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:38,985 and I say… 478 00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:43,698 I say "fortunately" not because I wish this upon anyone, 479 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:45,200 never mind my own child, 480 00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:49,662 but if it's going to happen, you want it early, 481 00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:52,248 so you can beat the Urban Air rush. 482 00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:58,797 So… I drive Jenny and Oona from Urban Air to urgent care… 483 00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,427 …which might as well have a shuttle bus. 484 00:30:04,511 --> 00:30:09,265 There were a lot of familiar faces over there, and… 485 00:30:15,438 --> 00:30:18,525 I'm not entirely convinced there should be urgent care. 486 00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:19,442 I just… 487 00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:23,988 I'm not sure what they do, exactly. 488 00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:29,494 I think they created this thing because someone was having a panic attack, 489 00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:32,288 and they were like, "I need care!" 490 00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,666 Someone's like, "When?" 491 00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:36,042 "Now!" 492 00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:41,256 Some well-meaning person was like, "I own this empty building, 493 00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:45,510 and we can paint the word 'Urgent Care' on the side, 494 00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,930 and I'll open my laptop to WebMD.com." 495 00:30:49,013 --> 00:30:51,641 That's all it is, right? 496 00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:56,688 I mean, urgent care is the Urban Air of medicine. 497 00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:01,025 Four weeks a year, it's a Halloween store. 498 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,111 I think that's a red flag. 499 00:31:06,239 --> 00:31:08,032 We go in. We're frazzled. 500 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:12,120 We're like, "Our daughter came down wrong on the trampoline on her foot." 501 00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:14,706 And they were like, "She should probably see a doctor." 502 00:31:14,789 --> 00:31:17,458 And we're like, "That's why we came here." 503 00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,503 And they're like, "No, we don't know any doctors." 504 00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:29,762 So they sent us to a pediatric orthopedist. 505 00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:32,599 First thing she says, "I think Oona should have an X-ray." 506 00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:36,394 Oona looks at me, she goes, "Dad, what's an X-ray?" 507 00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,694 And I took a swing, you know. I said, "Well… 508 00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:50,199 you go in this machine, and then there's these rays… 509 00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,958 …and the rays go through your skin… 510 00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:02,962 and they look around… 511 00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,841 …at your bones, right?" 512 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:09,969 "And then they come back, I think, 513 00:32:10,053 --> 00:32:13,598 and, you know, I don't know how they'd know how to come back, 514 00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:15,934 but fingers crossed." 515 00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:19,395 "And then we hire an artist, 516 00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:22,690 and the artist draws the bones based on… 517 00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:26,235 what the rays have said." 518 00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:32,200 "And it all takes place in that room right there." 519 00:32:33,284 --> 00:32:34,744 "Mom and I will be out here." 520 00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:38,873 "We are not allowed anywhere near what is about to happen." 521 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:42,669 "It is… way too dangerous." 522 00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:43,586 "I…" 523 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,424 "There will be technicians in there with you." 524 00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:50,593 "They will wear bulletproof vests." 525 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:54,681 "You will not be wearing one. Don't think too hard about that." 526 00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:55,598 "And… 527 00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:59,268 take it away, fellas." So… 528 00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:06,734 So she's worried, and for good reason, 529 00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:09,237 because the doctor came out a few minutes later, 530 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,448 she goes, "Oona broke one of the bones in her foot, 531 00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:15,034 and so we're going to put a cast on her." 532 00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:17,912 And so the cast was on for about two months. 533 00:33:17,996 --> 00:33:20,498 And when your daughter breaks her foot, 534 00:33:20,581 --> 00:33:23,876 it's really like the whole family has broken your collective foot, 535 00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:27,547 because you've got to come up with a lot of foot-free activities. 536 00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:32,677 Like, "What about sitting on couch, or stewing with anger?" 537 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:33,845 And… 538 00:33:35,471 --> 00:33:37,056 Oona was angry about Arrow 539 00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,142 'cause he jumped in front of her on the trampoline. 540 00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,643 I was angry about Urban Air. 541 00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:43,688 At my lowest point, I was like, "We should sue Urban Air." 542 00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:48,693 And then I remembered all the paperwork we had signed 543 00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:51,696 that explicitly stated we would never sue Urban Air. 544 00:33:51,779 --> 00:33:55,408 But what the forms don't mention is anything about me discussing Urban Air 545 00:33:55,491 --> 00:33:57,452 in the context of a comedy show. 546 00:33:57,535 --> 00:33:58,369 So… 547 00:33:59,495 --> 00:34:02,206 …if I showed up at the Beacon Theatre tonight 548 00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:06,836 and said, "Urban Air shouldn't be a company," 549 00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,546 you would know that's a joke. 550 00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:11,132 That's not how I feel about Urban Air. 551 00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:18,056 I think it's a fantastic company that injures children 365 days a year, 552 00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:20,308 which is comedic hyperbole. 553 00:34:25,605 --> 00:34:27,273 If I came out here tonight and said, 554 00:34:27,356 --> 00:34:30,860 "Guns don't kill people. Urban Air kills people," 555 00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:33,404 …you would know 556 00:34:33,488 --> 00:34:37,366 that's the perfect example of satire, Your Honor, and… 557 00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:45,958 But the Urban Air, urgent care situation really… really hung a lantern 558 00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:49,253 on how few things I feel like I can explain to my daughter. 559 00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:55,093 I mean, I can't explain strokes or X-rays or drugs. 560 00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:59,180 Uh, increasingly, we have to explain sex, younger and younger, 561 00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:04,102 because everyone's devices in your pockets have access now to porn. 562 00:35:04,185 --> 00:35:06,896 So now we have to also explain porn, 563 00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:10,483 which, you know, I can hit the bullet points, but… 564 00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:14,237 …I'm hazy on the genres. 565 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:15,196 Uh-- 566 00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:22,120 Even the simpler of genres, like homemade porn, I'm confounded by. 567 00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:26,499 After I have sex, all I can think is, "At least no one saw that." You know? 568 00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:30,294 I'm never like, "How were we not rolling?" 569 00:35:32,463 --> 00:35:34,132 "All right, go again." 570 00:35:34,215 --> 00:35:36,008 "It's going to be 40 minutes." 571 00:35:42,723 --> 00:35:44,559 I didn't have a sex talk growing up. 572 00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:48,146 When I was 12, I had hard nipples… 573 00:35:50,231 --> 00:35:52,817 …which I'm aware isn't sex. 574 00:35:55,778 --> 00:35:57,488 I had hard nipples, and… 575 00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,950 it's something that happens sometimes during puberty. 576 00:36:01,033 --> 00:36:03,411 I say "sometimes" because when I built up the courage 577 00:36:03,494 --> 00:36:05,955 to share this story with my college roommate, 578 00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:08,249 he laughed for five minutes straight. 579 00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:12,253 At the end of the laughter, he said to me, and I quote, he goes, 580 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,338 "I think that's just a you thing." 581 00:36:21,387 --> 00:36:26,058 So when I was 12, I had hard nipples, and I've always been a hypochondriac, 582 00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:28,519 so I thought it was cancer. 583 00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:32,190 And if you know a hypochondriac, you know I'm not exaggerating. 584 00:36:32,273 --> 00:36:34,066 I didn't think "maybe" it was cancer. 585 00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:35,985 I thought, "I have cancer." 586 00:36:37,111 --> 00:36:38,654 "What are the next steps?" 587 00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:41,532 We didn't have urgent care… 588 00:36:43,784 --> 00:36:45,828 …and I didn't know any doctors… 589 00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:51,792 …other than my dad. 590 00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,211 And so, 591 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,465 one night, I walked into the living room, 592 00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:59,884 and he was just reading his war novel, 593 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,553 and I go, "Hey, Dad, 594 00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:06,557 I think I might have cancer." 595 00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:10,144 He goes, "Why do you think that?" 596 00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:17,652 I said, "I have hard nipples." 597 00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:21,364 He said, "That's not a symptom." 598 00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:27,203 I said, "See for yourself," and I took off my shirt. 599 00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:33,125 My dad stood up, he walked over to me… 600 00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,216 and he felt my hard, hard nipples. 601 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,429 Which was nice. 602 00:37:47,181 --> 00:37:48,015 Stay with me. 603 00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:51,978 I'm not from a very physically-affectionate family. I… 604 00:37:52,478 --> 00:37:54,939 We don't say I love you. We don't hug. 605 00:37:57,566 --> 00:38:01,696 So when my dad caressed my hard, hard nipples… 606 00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:08,077 I distinctly remember thinking, "It's not 'I love you,' 607 00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:10,705 but I'll take it." 608 00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:17,378 And then my father, Dr. Vince Birbiglia, 609 00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:22,174 gave me the briefest medical diagnosis I have received to this very day. 610 00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,010 He goes, "Nope." 611 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,059 And that was the end of the conversation. 612 00:38:33,185 --> 00:38:37,565 That was the closest to a sex talk I would receive for the rest of my life. 613 00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:45,448 We just weren't physically affectionate. I mean, every now and then. 614 00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:47,616 I remember when I was about five years old, 615 00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:50,911 I was hypotonic, which means I was dangerously dehydrated. 616 00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:52,496 And my mom told me this story. 617 00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,958 Apparently, I was passed out, and she picked me up, threw me in the car, 618 00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:57,460 drove me to the emergency room. 619 00:38:57,543 --> 00:39:00,713 She was a nurse, so she explained to them, "My son is hypotonic." 620 00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:02,590 "He needs an IV immediately." 621 00:39:02,673 --> 00:39:05,301 They go, "We need you to fill out these insurance forms." 622 00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:08,679 So she's manically filling out these insurance forms, 623 00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:11,015 and then my dad was working at the hospital, 624 00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:14,226 and he walked in, and he surveyed the situation, 625 00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:17,855 and he goes… "Give that goddamn kid an IV!" 626 00:39:17,938 --> 00:39:20,024 And they did it, 627 00:39:20,107 --> 00:39:26,155 which is a weird affirmation of my dad's dysfunctional personality, 628 00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:30,868 because it worked, and so I don't remember that whole thing. 629 00:39:30,951 --> 00:39:32,161 My mom explained it to me. 630 00:39:32,244 --> 00:39:35,373 But what I remember is that I was admitted in the hospital 631 00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,374 for four days. 632 00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:40,544 And one day my dad came in, and it was just me and him, 633 00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:44,465 and he brought me a Curious George doll. 634 00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:47,802 It was about this big. I kept it through my entire childhood. 635 00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:49,428 And he… 636 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,265 he just rubbed my shoulder 637 00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:56,519 for about 15 minutes. 638 00:39:59,313 --> 00:40:01,273 And it was the slightest gesture… 639 00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:05,236 and I still remember it. 640 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:11,909 Jenny and I are the opposite with our daughter. 641 00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:13,744 We are too much. 642 00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:15,204 Whatever too much is, 643 00:40:15,287 --> 00:40:18,541 we're going to find out when she's an adult because… 644 00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:23,003 …we say "I love you," we hug her, we squeeze her. 645 00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:25,714 Like we were at her ballet recital a few years ago, 646 00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:28,801 and we're in the audience, and we're just crying and crying, 647 00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:31,137 because she doesn't have it, you know? 648 00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,179 And… 649 00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:37,309 We're in the arts. We have a sense for these things. 650 00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,230 There are a lot of early indicators, and… 651 00:40:42,606 --> 00:40:46,277 and we're crying because we've spent thousands of dollars on the lessons, 652 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,363 and hundreds of hours going to the rehearsals, 653 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,158 and she's not going pro. It's not happening. 654 00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,662 No, we're crying for all the right reasons. 655 00:40:56,745 --> 00:41:00,666 And I run up to her afterwards, and I just squeeze her, and I go, 656 00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:03,919 "Oona, you were so fantastic!" 657 00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:09,258 And she goes, "Dad, you would say I was fantastic 658 00:41:09,341 --> 00:41:11,927 even if I wasn't fantastic." 659 00:41:13,095 --> 00:41:13,929 I know. 660 00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:18,642 I had to say to her, I go, "That is so true." 661 00:41:20,394 --> 00:41:23,731 "You are so much better at logic than you are at ballet." 662 00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:24,648 Now… 663 00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:29,153 I left out that last snippet. 664 00:41:29,236 --> 00:41:33,324 I'm going to save that till when she's 15, and she tells me I'm garbage, 665 00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:37,161 and I'm going to say, "I had some candid thoughts about you as well… 666 00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:42,374 …when you were seven, that I withheld out of respect, 667 00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:47,046 but I did share with a group of strangers at the Beacon Theatre in New York City." 668 00:41:56,138 --> 00:42:00,476 We're very, you know, emotional, but we do withhold certain things. 669 00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:01,977 Like I withhold anger. 670 00:42:02,061 --> 00:42:04,063 I experience anger, and I hold it in, 671 00:42:04,146 --> 00:42:06,649 because when I was a kid, my dad would get angry, 672 00:42:07,441 --> 00:42:11,028 and I remember thinking, "I'm never going to do that." 673 00:42:11,111 --> 00:42:14,490 Because kids don't know a lot, 674 00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:18,827 but they absorb everything. 675 00:42:19,662 --> 00:42:24,625 If you're selfish, your kids know you're selfish. 676 00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:29,046 If you're kind, they know you're kind. 677 00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:30,673 A few months ago, 678 00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:37,763 Oona noticed that when I had woken up, that Jenny had made me pancake. 679 00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:44,853 You heard that correctly. It was just one. 680 00:42:46,814 --> 00:42:48,607 She made me pancake, 681 00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:53,070 and I said, "Thank you for pancake." 682 00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:56,949 Because she's deeply familiar with my health profile, 683 00:42:57,032 --> 00:43:00,286 so she knows the right amount of pancakes for me to eat… 684 00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:03,455 is pancake. 685 00:43:08,002 --> 00:43:12,923 So I wanted to do something nice for her, because my love language is keeping score. 686 00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:18,137 And if you're clapping, yours is too. 687 00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:21,307 And if you're not clapping, yours is too, 688 00:43:21,390 --> 00:43:22,600 and you're losing. 689 00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:26,645 You didn't know there was a game going on. I… 690 00:43:28,939 --> 00:43:30,858 Last year, Jenny said to me, 691 00:43:30,941 --> 00:43:33,402 "Sometimes I feel like you're keeping score." 692 00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:34,987 And I was like, "Right." 693 00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:38,032 Like, I'm not being coy about it. 694 00:43:38,115 --> 00:43:41,035 "What do you think the whiteboard is for in the kitchen?" 695 00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:48,375 I'm just not subtle about it. I wish I were. 696 00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:51,962 Jenny describes me as the narrator of our marriage 697 00:43:52,046 --> 00:43:53,964 whom no one asked for. 698 00:43:57,676 --> 00:44:01,388 I'll be scrubbing dishes in the sink, and I'll be like, "I'm doing the dishes, 699 00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,974 then I'm going to grab ice cream for your parents, 700 00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,560 then I'll take the hair out of the drain in the shower." 701 00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,146 And she'll be like, "You don't have to say all that." 702 00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,359 "You can just do it, and then it'll be done." 703 00:44:13,442 --> 00:44:15,152 "We don't have to talk about it." 704 00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:17,571 "Because I do a lot of stuff too." 705 00:44:18,364 --> 00:44:23,202 "I don't talk about it. I just do it, and then it's done." 706 00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:25,287 And I said, 707 00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:28,290 "I'm gonna give you five points for that here on the whiteboard." 708 00:44:28,999 --> 00:44:31,835 "You're still down by three. It doesn't matter." 709 00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:39,259 I keep score. Not proud of it. Don't even know where it came from. 710 00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,762 I don't know if I learned it from my parents… 711 00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:45,724 I don't know how to be married. 712 00:44:48,477 --> 00:44:51,438 Like, no one taught me to be married. 713 00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:54,775 I'm just winging it, every day. 714 00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:58,404 My marriage doesn't look anything like my parents' marriage. 715 00:44:58,487 --> 00:45:00,739 My parents would argue about stuff all the time, 716 00:45:00,823 --> 00:45:03,742 and like, Jenny and I argue, but it's different, 717 00:45:03,826 --> 00:45:05,327 because Jenny's an introvert. 718 00:45:05,411 --> 00:45:11,250 And so arguing with an introvert is just reading into the silences… 719 00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:21,343 …and deciding which of the silences you want to have words. 720 00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:26,432 We were walking to pick up Oona the other day, and Jenny seemed quiet. 721 00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:29,476 I said, "What is it?" She goes, "Nothing." But it wasn't nothing. 722 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,354 It was like one of those forks in the road where I'm like, 723 00:45:32,438 --> 00:45:33,981 "Wait. Do I probe, 724 00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:37,025 or do I let it lie?" 725 00:45:40,070 --> 00:45:41,321 Does anyone know? 726 00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:45,826 I've been married 16 years. I have no idea. 727 00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:48,746 Has anybody-- 728 00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:52,207 Who's been married a long time? Shout out how many years. 729 00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:55,711 How many years have you been married? 730 00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,087 Thirty-five. 731 00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:59,798 Thirty-five years. Anyone longer than 35 years? 732 00:45:59,882 --> 00:46:01,925 -Forty. -Forty. How about you? 733 00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:03,510 Fifty-seven. 734 00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,137 That's a lot. That-- 735 00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:07,222 First of all, what's your name? 736 00:46:08,098 --> 00:46:08,932 -Anne? -Yeah. 737 00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:11,769 -And what's your husband's name? -Jan. 738 00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:15,689 Your husband's name is Jan? 739 00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:18,484 And your name is Anne? 740 00:46:21,487 --> 00:46:23,489 Okay. And… 741 00:46:24,490 --> 00:46:27,201 I'm just getting that correctly? Anne and Jan? 742 00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:30,579 Are you real people? 743 00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:33,957 Are you… 744 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:39,755 So Anne and Jan have been married 57 years. 745 00:46:40,756 --> 00:46:43,967 By the way, my parents have been married 60 years. 746 00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:45,677 Yeah. Too long, right? 747 00:46:45,761 --> 00:46:46,720 I mean… 748 00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:50,474 When I was in my twenties, I said to my mom 749 00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:52,226 something I'd held in for years. 750 00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:55,229 I go, "Mom, if you ever wanted to divorce Dad, 751 00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:57,481 we would be okay with that." 752 00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:04,488 I thought she was going to be like, "Thanks." You know what I mean? 753 00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:09,117 But she said to me something I'll never forget. 754 00:47:09,201 --> 00:47:11,411 She goes, "Michael, 755 00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:15,332 you cannot understand someone else's marriage." 756 00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:18,961 Do you think that's true, Anne? 757 00:47:22,172 --> 00:47:24,174 Jan, do you think that's true? 758 00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,806 Anne and Jan… 759 00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:34,601 Or is it "Jan and Anne"? 760 00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:37,938 So Anne and Jan… 761 00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:45,445 …you are the Broccoli Rob of this audience. 762 00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:50,117 I think this is hilarious. 763 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:53,120 You probably do not think this is hilarious. 764 00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:55,581 This is your life all the time. 765 00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,710 So, Anne, I want to ask you advice. 766 00:48:00,419 --> 00:48:05,507 If you're in this situation, and you say to Jan, 767 00:48:06,425 --> 00:48:08,844 "What are you thinking about?" And he says, "Nothing," 768 00:48:08,927 --> 00:48:10,596 would you probe, 769 00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:13,473 or would you let it lie? 770 00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:15,851 -Probe. -Probe. 771 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:17,436 So Anne says probe. 772 00:48:17,519 --> 00:48:18,562 And Jan… 773 00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:22,357 …would you probe, 774 00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:24,526 or would you let it lie? 775 00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:26,486 Let it lie. 776 00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:29,740 And that's why it works, ladies and gentlemen. 777 00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:35,954 That's why the story of Anne and Jan has a happy ending. 778 00:48:37,623 --> 00:48:38,457 Because 779 00:48:39,541 --> 00:48:45,213 they are the oil and vinegar that creates a successful marriage salad. 780 00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:51,970 So I'm with you, Anne. 781 00:48:54,556 --> 00:48:55,974 I am. I probe. 782 00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:58,769 I just think it's just better to know more than less. 783 00:48:58,852 --> 00:49:01,605 I said to Jenny, "What are you thinking about?" 784 00:49:01,688 --> 00:49:04,232 And she said, "Nothing," sort of doubled down on it. 785 00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,068 And then I threw an off-speed pitch. 786 00:49:06,151 --> 00:49:08,987 I go, "Where did you just come from just now?" 787 00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:11,490 And she goes, "I was at home watching the news, 788 00:49:11,573 --> 00:49:13,700 and I got sad about the war." 789 00:49:13,784 --> 00:49:16,203 And I said, "Do you think it's my fault?" 790 00:49:16,286 --> 00:49:17,120 And… 791 00:49:19,623 --> 00:49:20,749 I was raised Catholic. 792 00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:23,585 I'm open to the idea that anything could be my fault. 793 00:49:24,544 --> 00:49:27,255 I-- I think it's possible I masturbated so much 794 00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,424 it caused a war in the Middle East. 795 00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:31,635 Maybe I'm a dreamer, 796 00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:34,680 but I'm pretty sure that's what that song is about. 797 00:49:36,932 --> 00:49:39,726 My dad would not like that joke. I… 798 00:49:39,810 --> 00:49:41,645 My dad doesn't like a lot of my jokes, 799 00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:46,233 but he particularly doesn't like it when they're crude, uh… 800 00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:47,734 and then also personal. 801 00:49:47,818 --> 00:49:49,319 So he wouldn't have loved 802 00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:53,699 the five-minute section on hard nipples. 803 00:49:58,870 --> 00:50:02,833 And he doesn't like political jokes. Matter of fact, when I was in my twenties, 804 00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:04,710 I was doing a political joke, 805 00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:09,381 and then we ended up having this discussion from it about politics, 806 00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:12,592 and… it was tense. 807 00:50:12,676 --> 00:50:14,720 You know, I was visiting him, 808 00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,097 and we went for a walk 809 00:50:17,180 --> 00:50:20,642 on this wooded path behind his house, 810 00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:22,602 and the farther we walked, 811 00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:24,938 the more tense it got, 812 00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:30,235 to the point where he was just saying mean-spirited things about me, 813 00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:33,405 and then I started saying mean-spirited things about him. 814 00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:40,162 And we-- And I got back to my car, and I said, "Bye, Dad." 815 00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:41,955 And he didn't say goodbye. 816 00:50:43,373 --> 00:50:44,708 He goes, "Well… 817 00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,045 you've gone another way." 818 00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:50,881 And that was it. 819 00:50:51,798 --> 00:50:53,216 And I just drove home, 820 00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:57,137 and I just felt so adrift. 821 00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:01,933 You know, I thought my whole life, I sort of wanted to be my dad. 822 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:06,063 And at a certain point, I decided I wanted him to be me. 823 00:51:08,565 --> 00:51:10,317 But I never had that with my mom. 824 00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,986 My mom and I have been close since I was a kid. 825 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:14,905 'Cause she's very religious. 826 00:51:14,988 --> 00:51:17,199 When I was a kid, I was very religious, 827 00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:18,992 because kids love magic. 828 00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:22,788 And I… 829 00:51:23,997 --> 00:51:27,584 I loved going to church because the priest got so many laughs 830 00:51:27,667 --> 00:51:30,337 on so little material, you know? 831 00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:33,882 They'd be like, "Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John-Boy." 832 00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:36,760 People would be like, "Father Patrick's hilarious!" 833 00:51:36,843 --> 00:51:38,720 I'm like, "He's not hilarious." 834 00:51:38,804 --> 00:51:42,766 "There are no punchlines. It is all set-ups." 835 00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:43,683 And… 836 00:51:45,185 --> 00:51:47,229 I was just like, "Get me up there." 837 00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:49,022 "Put me on the mic." 838 00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:51,525 "Sign me up for some open altars." 839 00:51:51,608 --> 00:51:53,985 "I would kill." 840 00:51:54,069 --> 00:51:55,153 "I would crucify." 841 00:51:55,237 --> 00:52:00,700 "I mean, in the right context, I would crucify." 842 00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:05,997 I wanted to be a priest when I was a kid. 843 00:52:06,081 --> 00:52:10,919 And then I was an altar boy, and the answer is no, I wasn't. 844 00:52:11,002 --> 00:52:13,046 I think it's because they knew I was a talker. 845 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:15,215 I have that look about me. 846 00:52:15,298 --> 00:52:18,635 I was so bad at it, I think they thought if he's bad at lighting candles, 847 00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:20,887 he's not going to be great at blowing them out. 848 00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:25,600 No, I know. 849 00:52:25,684 --> 00:52:27,686 Some people, that's too much. 850 00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:30,814 But I think what those priests did in the '80s was too much. 851 00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,650 I think my joke about it isn't nearly as bad. 852 00:52:36,319 --> 00:52:39,698 I don't think we should let it lie. 853 00:52:44,494 --> 00:52:46,121 I was raised very Catholic. 854 00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:49,040 It's hard to even describe to my friends now 855 00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:53,753 how baked into my childhood religion was, but every now and then it comes up. 856 00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:56,840 Like, Jenny and I were in an Uber recently, 857 00:52:56,923 --> 00:53:00,677 and a hymn from church just popped right into my head. 858 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:01,720 All the words. 859 00:53:01,803 --> 00:53:03,305 It was this hymn that goes… 860 00:53:03,388 --> 00:53:05,390 Keep in mind 861 00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:08,727 That Jesus Christ 862 00:53:09,394 --> 00:53:12,063 Has died for us 863 00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:16,985 And is risen from the dead 864 00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:22,782 All of those lyrics went straight into my head 865 00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:26,328 in an Uber to CVS. 866 00:53:28,121 --> 00:53:31,333 You cannot be cured of this religion. 867 00:53:31,416 --> 00:53:35,837 It is the forever chemicals of religions. 868 00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:42,219 So I look over at Jenny in the Uber, and I said to her, 869 00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:44,262 "This hymn just came into my head." 870 00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:47,140 And then I sang it to her like I sang it to you. 871 00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:50,560 But she didn't laugh. 872 00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:53,813 It was just stone face. 873 00:53:54,689 --> 00:53:58,318 I was like, "No, but it's funny, right?" And then I just sang it louder. 874 00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:03,657 She still had a very serious face. 875 00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:06,201 And then she texted me… 876 00:54:07,869 --> 00:54:10,080 …from three inches away from me. 877 00:54:11,873 --> 00:54:13,291 And I was like, "Uh-oh." 878 00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:16,920 And I look at my phone, 879 00:54:17,712 --> 00:54:20,924 and it's a text from Jenny that says, 880 00:54:21,007 --> 00:54:25,428 "The Uber driver has rosary beads on his dashboard." 881 00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:36,356 And I'm an improviser. 882 00:54:37,482 --> 00:54:41,861 So I said, "The reason I'm bringing up that hymn… 883 00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:46,241 is that it's very meaningful to me… 884 00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:51,871 …and I would like to teach it to you." 885 00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,418 "So repeat after me." 886 00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:00,880 Keep in mind 887 00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:06,511 I had rosary beads when I was a kid. 888 00:55:06,594 --> 00:55:09,889 My grandma gave them to me when I was eight for my First Communion. 889 00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:15,145 If you don't know rosary beads, they're like an abacus for Catholics. 890 00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:18,189 Like, count your prayers, you know? 891 00:55:19,607 --> 00:55:22,736 If you don't know what an abacus is, it's like a calculator. 892 00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:24,988 Like a Catholic calculator. 893 00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:32,162 And I had them from my grandmother, and every night before bed, I would pray 894 00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:35,957 I would do Hail Marys and Our Fathers and Glory Bes. 895 00:55:37,667 --> 00:55:39,252 And my whole childhood, 896 00:55:39,336 --> 00:55:45,133 my consciousness was… was me and God. 897 00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:48,345 And at a certain point, 898 00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:51,222 it was just me. 899 00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:57,062 So in May, 900 00:55:57,145 --> 00:55:59,689 I'm visiting my dad at the hospital with my mom, 901 00:55:59,773 --> 00:56:02,359 and she's praying, and I'm not praying, 902 00:56:02,442 --> 00:56:05,904 but I'm kind of back-up dancing, you know what I mean? I'm like… 903 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:11,368 You know. 904 00:56:11,451 --> 00:56:14,496 I'm "yes, and"-ing the situation, and… 905 00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:18,500 But she's praying because my dad has gotten worse. 906 00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:23,380 In addition to not being able to move, he has a blockage in his stomach, 907 00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:24,714 and it got so bad, 908 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:30,345 they had to put an NG tube down his throat to suck out the liquid and the gas, 909 00:56:30,428 --> 00:56:33,681 and… and he's in agony. 910 00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:37,644 You know, his stomach was distended about five inches. 911 00:56:40,021 --> 00:56:44,943 And he says to me, "Michael, I'm dying." 912 00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:50,031 And I said, "Dad, I don't think you're dying." 913 00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:53,368 But I didn't know. 914 00:56:55,036 --> 00:56:59,916 And the next morning, I get a call from Jim Gaffigan, the comedian, 915 00:56:59,999 --> 00:57:02,752 who I've known for years, but he had a very different tone. 916 00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:08,007 He goes, "Hey, um… so the pope, Pope Francis, 917 00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:11,052 wants to meet a bunch of comedians, 918 00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:16,933 and apparently, you're on the list, and I'm on the list, and I don't know, 919 00:57:17,016 --> 00:57:18,393 I'm going to go." 920 00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:24,691 And I was surprised. I go, 921 00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:29,237 "Does the Pope know if he invites a bunch of comedians, 922 00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:32,240 they'll probably talk about it on stage?" 923 00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:34,784 And Jim goes, 924 00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,203 "He's gotta know." 925 00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:43,793 "But maybe go easy on the molestation stuff." 926 00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:48,339 And I thought, "I will when they do." 927 00:57:51,009 --> 00:57:53,052 You first, Catholic Church. 928 00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:57,432 Don't clap, because then it becomes a rally. I… 929 00:58:01,644 --> 00:58:03,938 My first inclination was to say no, 930 00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:06,441 because, you know, for years, 931 00:58:06,524 --> 00:58:11,070 my parents have encouraged me and Jenny to take Oona to church, 932 00:58:11,154 --> 00:58:13,031 and we haven't gone. 933 00:58:13,114 --> 00:58:15,325 Not because of anything anti-religious, 934 00:58:15,408 --> 00:58:18,286 but if anywhere had that kind of track record… 935 00:58:18,369 --> 00:58:21,331 If there was a Whole Foods in Brooklyn 936 00:58:22,207 --> 00:58:24,209 that had a series of molestations, 937 00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:27,170 we wouldn't shop there anymore even-- 938 00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:31,799 Even if people were like, "It only happens sometimes," 939 00:58:31,883 --> 00:58:37,430 I'd be like, "I think that's my number. I think that's my limit, sometimes." 940 00:58:39,015 --> 00:58:40,892 So my inclination was to say no. 941 00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:43,686 And then I'm with my dad that day at the hospital, 942 00:58:43,770 --> 00:58:48,358 and I say, "Dad, I got invited to meet the pope." 943 00:58:48,441 --> 00:58:49,859 And he lit up 944 00:58:49,943 --> 00:58:53,446 like Grandpa Joe in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 945 00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:03,665 And that's when I realized I was going to go to Vatican City and meet the pope. 946 00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:08,962 So in June, I get a plane ticket for me and Jenny and Oona, 947 00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:10,672 and we fly to Rome. 948 00:59:10,755 --> 00:59:14,968 And we're walking around the Vatican, and it was surprisingly emotional, 949 00:59:15,051 --> 00:59:17,470 because it's a stunning place, of course, 950 00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:20,723 and then I'm explaining it to Oona. 951 00:59:20,807 --> 00:59:25,937 I'm like, "This is the religion that I was raised in, and you know, 952 00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:29,440 Grandma MJ believes in a lot of this stuff, 953 00:59:29,524 --> 00:59:31,067 and I believe in some of it, 954 00:59:31,150 --> 00:59:34,445 and a lot of this artwork was stolen, and… 955 00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:39,826 …I don't think you should steal artwork, but if you do, don't give it back." 956 00:59:39,909 --> 00:59:45,081 I think that's the lesson from the Vatican is if you steal, steal big. 957 00:59:45,164 --> 00:59:46,332 Don't give it back. 958 00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:53,423 And then Oona asked me a question that really took me by surprise. 959 00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:55,133 She goes, "Dad, 960 00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:58,303 who is Jesus?" 961 01:00:03,808 --> 01:00:07,395 I thought, "This is a huge oversight in my education of my daughter." 962 01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:10,023 Because she knows a lot of stuff. 963 01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,275 She knows the Greek gods and the Roman gods 964 01:00:12,358 --> 01:00:15,278 and the Egyptian gods and the Norse gods… 965 01:00:15,361 --> 01:00:18,031 Somehow, I have entirely glossed over Jesus. 966 01:00:18,114 --> 01:00:19,616 So I try to do a crash course. 967 01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:22,535 Like, "Well, there's this guy, and 2,000 years ago, 968 01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:25,121 he was walking around, and he was like God, 969 01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:29,250 but also he was the son of God, and he had this cult, and like… 970 01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:33,421 It was like a well-meaning cult, and…" 971 01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:36,924 Which, by the way, not even controversial. 972 01:00:37,008 --> 01:00:39,636 If Jesus were here on stage with me at the Beacon Theatre, 973 01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,263 he'd be like, "Yeah, it was a cult. There were 12 of us." 974 01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:44,140 "Seventy, tops." 975 01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:48,811 You know, he would be the most confused by what happened to Christianity. 976 01:00:48,895 --> 01:00:51,689 He'd be like, "This isn't what I intended at all." 977 01:00:52,565 --> 01:00:55,985 "I'm more of a cross between David Blaine and a food bank." 978 01:01:01,741 --> 01:01:07,288 I mean, it was a well-intended cult, and no offense to cults even. 979 01:01:08,623 --> 01:01:10,750 Some offense to cults. I mean… 980 01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:12,877 No, I'm not-- 981 01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:15,004 I don't support cults, 982 01:01:15,088 --> 01:01:17,757 but I will say Jenny and I do get hooked in 983 01:01:17,840 --> 01:01:20,093 to the documentaries about the cults. 984 01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:22,428 Especially the first episode, 985 01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:25,890 because it's always about, like, shared meals and carpooling… 986 01:01:25,973 --> 01:01:28,184 We're always like, "This could work," you know? 987 01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:31,979 We're looking it up on Google Maps, like, "Where is this place?" 988 01:01:32,939 --> 01:01:34,524 Second episode goes dark. 989 01:01:34,607 --> 01:01:37,068 It's like, "Then we had to have sex with Leader." 990 01:01:37,151 --> 01:01:40,363 And I'm always like, "How often?" You know what I mean? 991 01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:45,243 "There's 100 of you. How often are you even in the rotation?" 992 01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:49,664 "Once a month? Once every three months? You know how many things I do 993 01:01:49,747 --> 01:01:53,000 once every three months that are worse than sex with Leader?" 994 01:01:54,168 --> 01:01:55,336 "Put it in the calendar." 995 01:01:55,420 --> 01:01:57,380 I think that's the key to any good marriage. 996 01:01:57,463 --> 01:01:58,297 You gotta… 997 01:01:59,716 --> 01:02:01,718 …you gotta get it in the calendar. 998 01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:03,678 Sometimes, I'll have sex with Leader. 999 01:02:03,761 --> 01:02:06,139 Sometimes, Jenny will have sex with Leader. 1000 01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:09,934 Sometimes, I'll have sex with Jenny, and I'll call her Leader. 1001 01:02:10,017 --> 01:02:11,436 I think we count it. 1002 01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:20,069 I gotta be careful with my tone when I talk about cults because… 1003 01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,449 …because I got an email recently when someone came to one of my shows. 1004 01:02:24,532 --> 01:02:27,076 They were like, "I enjoyed the show, but I want you to know 1005 01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:31,456 if you ever did join a cult, Jenny would have to have sex with Leader 1006 01:02:31,539 --> 01:02:34,792 more often than you'd have to have sex with Leader." 1007 01:02:39,046 --> 01:02:41,299 And it really sent me into a tailspin, 1008 01:02:41,382 --> 01:02:45,887 because I was like, "How poorly am I conveying my humor… 1009 01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:49,474 …if someone leaves my show, 1010 01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:54,228 and they think, A, I might join a cult, 1011 01:02:56,063 --> 01:02:59,150 and B, that if I joined a cult, 1012 01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:03,780 that I don't know that Jenny would have to have sex with Leader 1013 01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:07,158 more often than I would have to have sex with Leader. 1014 01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:14,081 So I want to take this moment in the show to point out 1015 01:03:15,583 --> 01:03:17,293 that some of these are jokes. 1016 01:03:21,130 --> 01:03:25,843 The point is I'm in Rome with my family, and… 1017 01:03:29,096 --> 01:03:31,349 It's interesting. Everywhere in Rome that you go, 1018 01:03:31,432 --> 01:03:34,644 there's these beautiful chapels and statues of Jesus 1019 01:03:34,727 --> 01:03:36,062 and paintings of Jesus, 1020 01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:38,147 to the point where I said to our tour guide, 1021 01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:40,316 I was like, "Was he here?" 1022 01:03:40,399 --> 01:03:43,110 "Because I know he wasn't. I went to Catholic school, 1023 01:03:43,194 --> 01:03:46,656 but I feel like you guys kind of make it feel like he was." 1024 01:03:46,739 --> 01:03:50,409 Like, in some ways, Rome is guilty of the original case 1025 01:03:50,493 --> 01:03:53,329 of cultural appropriation. You know what I mean? 1026 01:03:53,412 --> 01:03:57,124 Because Jesus didn't get all the fun stuff out of Rome. 1027 01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:59,961 He didn't get the pizza and the pasta. 1028 01:04:00,044 --> 01:04:03,965 He didn't get to go "Mamma mia" with his buddies. 1029 01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:07,802 All he knows about Rome 1030 01:04:07,885 --> 01:04:10,680 is that the Romans showed up at his cult in Jerusalem, 1031 01:04:10,763 --> 01:04:14,725 and they were like, "Hey, we love what you're doing." 1032 01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:18,771 "It's a great story. It's a classic rags to rags." 1033 01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:25,570 "We feel like it might be more compelling if the protagonist died." 1034 01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:29,073 No, I know. I'm not happy about it either. 1035 01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:31,242 And then they killed him, 1036 01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:34,704 which is really sad, but then actually more perverse than that, 1037 01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:39,208 is they killed him and then sold paintings of themselves killing him 1038 01:04:39,292 --> 01:04:41,502 to take over half the world. 1039 01:04:41,586 --> 01:04:46,215 It's like if the Wilkes Booth family sold Lincoln Logs. Like… 1040 01:04:49,927 --> 01:04:52,972 So I explain this to the pope, and he thinks it's hilarious. 1041 01:04:53,055 --> 01:04:54,599 But… 1042 01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:57,476 …he doesn't speak English, so who's to say? And… 1043 01:05:02,940 --> 01:05:06,444 No, we actually didn't perform for the pope, 1044 01:05:06,527 --> 01:05:08,446 which I felt like was a missed opportunity, 1045 01:05:08,529 --> 01:05:10,865 because there was a lot of great comedians there. 1046 01:05:10,948 --> 01:05:14,201 It was, like, Chris Rock and Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien 1047 01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:16,746 and David Sedaris, and all these people, and me. 1048 01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:22,376 And by the way, I get that I'm at the bottom of that list. 1049 01:05:22,460 --> 01:05:26,797 Like, they called me in May to go in June. 1050 01:05:29,050 --> 01:05:34,055 I'm pretty sure there was an April list, and they got some nos, 1051 01:05:34,138 --> 01:05:38,851 and then the pope was googling "comedian" on his Dell laptop… 1052 01:05:41,354 --> 01:05:44,273 And his last name is Bergoglio, 1053 01:05:44,357 --> 01:05:47,443 and my last name is Birbiglia, and I think he was like, 1054 01:05:47,526 --> 01:05:50,905 "He's a Birbiglia. I'm a Bergoglio." 1055 01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:55,618 "It's my long-lost cousin!" And… 1056 01:05:56,953 --> 01:05:58,537 He doesn't talk like that. 1057 01:05:58,621 --> 01:06:00,081 I… 1058 01:06:00,164 --> 01:06:01,248 He's not even Italian. 1059 01:06:01,332 --> 01:06:02,792 He's from Buenos Aires. 1060 01:06:02,875 --> 01:06:08,631 But I don't think the comedy community has signed off on that as an accent yet, 1061 01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:11,217 so… until that happens, 1062 01:06:11,300 --> 01:06:13,928 "Mamma mia! I'm the pope!" 1063 01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:18,057 "We make pizza with the Eucharist!" 1064 01:06:20,309 --> 01:06:22,979 My dad wouldn't love that joke either. 1065 01:06:26,148 --> 01:06:28,484 We didn't perform for the pope. 1066 01:06:28,567 --> 01:06:33,864 The pope spoke… to us, 1067 01:06:34,448 --> 01:06:35,616 comedians, 1068 01:06:36,617 --> 01:06:38,327 about comedy. 1069 01:06:41,706 --> 01:06:43,958 Which is a great example of power corrupting. 1070 01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:48,462 If you get to a point where you're so good at being a priest 1071 01:06:48,546 --> 01:06:52,383 that you're like, "I'm going to invite Chris Rock over to my house 1072 01:06:53,134 --> 01:06:56,262 and tell him my thoughts on comedy." 1073 01:06:58,139 --> 01:07:01,559 It's like if I showed up at NASA and said, "I got some thoughts on rockets." 1074 01:07:01,642 --> 01:07:04,437 "I think we should build them and fly in them, 1075 01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:07,440 but never on the outside, like in cartoons." 1076 01:07:09,567 --> 01:07:12,319 "And that concludes my speech about rockets." 1077 01:07:12,403 --> 01:07:14,405 "Now, everyone kiss my wedding ring." 1078 01:07:14,488 --> 01:07:16,449 Everyone's like, "It's sweaty." 1079 01:07:22,621 --> 01:07:24,874 The pope spoke to us about comedy. 1080 01:07:24,957 --> 01:07:28,335 And this pope, if you don't know this pope, Pope Francis, he's pretty good, 1081 01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:30,880 but only compared to other popes. 1082 01:07:30,963 --> 01:07:31,797 I mean… 1083 01:07:32,923 --> 01:07:36,761 If you met him at a party, you'd be like, "This fucking guy." Like… 1084 01:07:39,472 --> 01:07:41,807 But compared to other popes, he's amazing. 1085 01:07:41,891 --> 01:07:48,689 And he invited us in to what's called the Apostolic Palace, 1086 01:07:48,773 --> 01:07:51,400 and he gave a speech about humor. 1087 01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:56,822 And it was about 40 minutes long, but I jotted down my favorite parts. 1088 01:07:56,906 --> 01:07:59,241 These are the actual… my favorite parts. 1089 01:07:59,325 --> 01:08:02,620 It was in Italian, but they gave us a translation. He says, 1090 01:08:02,703 --> 01:08:05,790 "Dear friends, in the midst of so much gloomy news, 1091 01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:09,543 immersed as we are in many social and personal emergencies, 1092 01:08:09,627 --> 01:08:12,171 you have the power to spread smiles." 1093 01:08:12,755 --> 01:08:15,841 "You are among the few who have the ability to speak to people 1094 01:08:15,925 --> 01:08:18,302 from different generations and cultural backgrounds." 1095 01:08:18,385 --> 01:08:20,638 It's sweet. Good, friendly pope stuff. 1096 01:08:21,806 --> 01:08:23,349 Then he says, "According to the Bible…" 1097 01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:25,434 This is where he loses me a little bit. 1098 01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:31,690 "…at the beginning of the world, while everything was being created, 1099 01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:33,609 divine wisdom practiced your form of art 1100 01:08:33,692 --> 01:08:35,986 for the benefit of none other than God himself, 1101 01:08:36,070 --> 01:08:38,239 the first spectator of history." 1102 01:08:38,322 --> 01:08:39,573 Which is oddly a concept 1103 01:08:39,657 --> 01:08:41,826 that's always bummed me since grade school. 1104 01:08:41,909 --> 01:08:44,995 Because the spectator of history thing is something they taught 1105 01:08:45,496 --> 01:08:48,999 when I was growing up. They were like, "God is watching you 1106 01:08:49,500 --> 01:08:51,335 at all times." 1107 01:08:51,418 --> 01:08:53,462 I took it literally. I was seven. 1108 01:08:53,546 --> 01:08:56,507 I just thought he was, like, tailing me in a Chevy Malibu, 1109 01:08:56,590 --> 01:08:59,135 like, "What's Mike Birbiglia up to?" 1110 01:08:59,218 --> 01:09:01,428 "He's hiding porn in the forest." 1111 01:09:01,512 --> 01:09:04,431 "I'll make sure he doesn't have a girlfriend until he's 20." 1112 01:09:04,515 --> 01:09:09,145 And that prophecy came true, so maybe there is a God, but… 1113 01:09:11,063 --> 01:09:14,191 But that imagery just stuck with me through my childhood. 1114 01:09:14,275 --> 01:09:16,318 Like, when I was 15, I started masturbating. 1115 01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:20,281 I just assumed God was watching me do that too, you know? 1116 01:09:20,364 --> 01:09:23,826 So I would sort of cheat to the camera because I… 1117 01:09:26,912 --> 01:09:29,582 I thought if he was looking at the monitor at that moment, 1118 01:09:29,665 --> 01:09:32,168 he'd think, "I've seen a lot of 15-year-olds masturbate, 1119 01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:33,544 but this kid's good." 1120 01:09:33,627 --> 01:09:35,963 "I think he might go pro." 1121 01:09:36,046 --> 01:09:38,132 And I have, which is a happy ending. 1122 01:09:38,215 --> 01:09:40,176 Not technically, but… 1123 01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:42,219 All right. Then the pope said… 1124 01:09:47,057 --> 01:09:49,268 "I'm reminded of the story in the Book of Genesis 1125 01:09:49,351 --> 01:09:52,813 when God promised Abraham within a year, he would have a son." 1126 01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:55,399 "He and his wife Sarah were old and childless." 1127 01:09:55,482 --> 01:09:56,609 She was 23. 1128 01:09:58,694 --> 01:10:00,988 "Sarah conceived and bore a son in her old age." 1129 01:10:01,071 --> 01:10:02,072 Twenty-four. 1130 01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,284 "Then Sarah said, 'God has made laughter for me.'" 1131 01:10:05,367 --> 01:10:09,663 "That is why they named their son Isaac, which means 'he laughs.'" 1132 01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:12,291 And finally he says, "Remember this." 1133 01:10:12,833 --> 01:10:18,005 "When you manage to draw knowing smiles from the lips of even one spectator, 1134 01:10:18,088 --> 01:10:20,257 you also make God smile." 1135 01:10:21,884 --> 01:10:23,177 Which I thought was nice. 1136 01:10:23,260 --> 01:10:25,221 And then he gave us rosary beads. 1137 01:10:26,972 --> 01:10:31,143 He gave us each a little green satchel of rosary beads that he blessed, 1138 01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:35,231 and I brought them home to my parents in July. 1139 01:10:35,314 --> 01:10:37,691 It was my dad's 84th birthday, 1140 01:10:38,484 --> 01:10:41,820 and it was me and my mom and my brother Joe, 1141 01:10:41,904 --> 01:10:45,491 my sister Jean, and my sister Patty, and all of our kids, 1142 01:10:45,574 --> 01:10:48,285 my dad's six grandchildren, 1143 01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:50,746 and we're all around my dad, 1144 01:10:50,829 --> 01:10:53,040 and I brought him these rosary beads. 1145 01:10:54,333 --> 01:10:57,127 And he lit up, 1146 01:10:58,212 --> 01:11:04,468 and then my mom said, "Michael, you were called by God." 1147 01:11:08,055 --> 01:11:09,974 I want you to know… 1148 01:11:13,143 --> 01:11:15,145 I don't think I was called by God. 1149 01:11:17,940 --> 01:11:21,735 And when she said this, what I wanted to say was, "No." 1150 01:11:22,945 --> 01:11:25,197 "I was called by Jim Gaffigan… 1151 01:11:28,701 --> 01:11:30,995 …who was called by Stephen Colbert, 1152 01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,664 who may have been called by God." 1153 01:11:39,336 --> 01:11:42,715 But when you've had a year like my parents have had, 1154 01:11:42,798 --> 01:11:46,010 you find yourself saying things like, "Yes… 1155 01:11:48,345 --> 01:11:49,722 I was called by God." 1156 01:11:52,516 --> 01:11:54,560 So we have a cake for my dad, 1157 01:11:55,311 --> 01:11:57,104 and then everyone headed home. 1158 01:11:58,063 --> 01:12:01,984 And I'm just standing there with my dad. He's lying in his bed, 1159 01:12:02,943 --> 01:12:04,945 and I'm talking to him. He's able to talk, 1160 01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:08,324 but he doesn't remember anything that's happened in the last year. 1161 01:12:09,366 --> 01:12:12,870 So I'm asking him questions about things that happened a long time ago. 1162 01:12:12,953 --> 01:12:15,873 He was born in 1940 in Bushwick, Brooklyn, 1163 01:12:15,956 --> 01:12:18,292 and I said, "When you were growing up, 1164 01:12:18,375 --> 01:12:21,170 were your family members coming back from World War II?" 1165 01:12:21,253 --> 01:12:25,799 And he goes, "Well, yeah, my Uncle Charlie and my Uncle Joe and my Uncle Tony, 1166 01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:28,844 they all came back, and they had these wild stories 1167 01:12:28,927 --> 01:12:31,055 about how they were nearly killed." 1168 01:12:31,555 --> 01:12:34,141 I said, "Did you get drafted for Vietnam?" 1169 01:12:34,224 --> 01:12:37,936 And he said, "Yeah, I got drafted, but then, because I was a doctor, 1170 01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:40,606 they stationed me on a base in Texas, 1171 01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:44,943 and that's where your mother and I met a lot of our closest friends 1172 01:12:45,027 --> 01:12:46,653 for the rest of our lives." 1173 01:12:47,905 --> 01:12:51,283 And I said, "When you were growing up, what was your address in Bushwick?" 1174 01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:53,827 And he told me the address, and I put it into my phone, 1175 01:12:53,911 --> 01:12:55,746 and then I drew a line 1176 01:12:56,288 --> 01:12:58,582 between my dad's childhood home 1177 01:12:59,083 --> 01:13:02,586 and his granddaughter Oona's childhood home now, 1178 01:13:02,669 --> 01:13:06,548 and it's about four miles apart, and I showed it to him, 1179 01:13:08,300 --> 01:13:12,513 and I thought, "How come my dad never told me any of this stuff sooner?" 1180 01:13:13,722 --> 01:13:16,225 Then I thought, "How come I hadn't asked?" 1181 01:13:17,893 --> 01:13:22,398 And my Dad at this point is getting tired, and he can't really speak anymore, 1182 01:13:22,981 --> 01:13:25,734 but I'm with him… 1183 01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:29,905 and I want to be there for him. 1184 01:13:29,988 --> 01:13:33,534 Because you know when your parent has been through 1185 01:13:33,617 --> 01:13:35,077 what my dad has been through, 1186 01:13:35,160 --> 01:13:39,123 you just don't know how many more times you'll get to see him again. 1187 01:13:42,501 --> 01:13:45,337 And so I reached over, and I rubbed his shoulder, 1188 01:13:46,713 --> 01:13:49,633 and I could tell from his eyes that he enjoyed it. 1189 01:13:50,843 --> 01:13:53,011 And his lips crested up a little. 1190 01:13:56,473 --> 01:13:59,685 And so I just rubbed his shoulder for about 15 minutes. 1191 01:14:03,689 --> 01:14:06,066 And I felt as close to my dad 1192 01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,193 as I did when I was a kid, 1193 01:14:08,277 --> 01:14:11,655 and he brought me the Curious George doll at the hospital… 1194 01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:17,202 and when I was 12, and he caressed my hard, hard nipples. 1195 01:14:23,667 --> 01:14:28,130 And the next morning, I drive Jenny and Oona home to New York, 1196 01:14:28,213 --> 01:14:31,925 and a few days later, I'm walking Oona home from school, 1197 01:14:33,510 --> 01:14:36,889 and I think, "That's all I can really teach my daughter… 1198 01:14:39,558 --> 01:14:42,269 which is that we will never know everything." 1199 01:14:44,062 --> 01:14:49,026 "We will all often be wrong." 1200 01:14:51,862 --> 01:14:53,906 "And it's possible that small acts of kindness 1201 01:14:53,989 --> 01:14:55,324 are all we have." 1202 01:14:56,992 --> 01:14:58,202 "And maybe… 1203 01:15:00,204 --> 01:15:01,538 that's the good life." 1204 01:15:15,385 --> 01:15:16,637 Thank you so much! 1205 01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:21,975 Thank you so much for coming out! 1206 01:15:29,149 --> 01:15:31,109 'Cause everybody's playin' it loose 1207 01:15:31,193 --> 01:15:34,154 But what if we were real with it? 1208 01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:39,785 'Cause honestly I'm just too good for that half love 1209 01:15:39,868 --> 01:15:45,207 Know that you've been feelin' it too Ah, admit the truth 1210 01:15:45,290 --> 01:15:47,292 Never gonna love another like you 1211 01:15:47,376 --> 01:15:50,045 Never gonna, never gonna Never gonna love another 1212 01:15:50,128 --> 01:15:52,631 Never gonna love another like you 1213 01:15:52,714 --> 01:15:55,467 Never gonna, never gonna Never gonna love another 1214 01:15:55,551 --> 01:15:57,719 Never gonna love another like you 1215 01:15:58,303 --> 01:16:00,973 -Never gonna love another like you -Ahh 1216 01:16:01,056 --> 01:16:03,642 Never gonna love another like you 1217 01:16:03,725 --> 01:16:06,353 Never gonna, never gonna Never gonna love another 1218 01:16:06,436 --> 01:16:09,189 -Never gonna love another like you -Ooh-ah! Ooh! 1219 01:16:09,273 --> 01:16:11,858 Never gonna, never gonna Never gonna love another 1220 01:16:11,942 --> 01:16:14,653 Never gonna love another like you Ooh-ah! Yeah! 1221 01:16:14,736 --> 01:16:18,657 -Never gonna love another like you -Ooh-ah! 1222 01:16:18,740 --> 01:16:23,370 'Cause everybody's playin' it loose But what if we were real with it? 1223 01:16:23,453 --> 01:16:29,126 'Cause honestly I'm just too good for that half love 1224 01:16:29,209 --> 01:16:34,256 Know that you've been feelin' it too Let's admit the truth 1225 01:16:34,339 --> 01:16:37,467 Never gonna love another like you 1226 01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:39,720 What if we were real with it? 1227 01:16:39,803 --> 01:16:45,267 'Cause honestly I'm just too good for that half love 1228 01:16:45,350 --> 01:16:50,564 Know that you've been feelin' it too Ah, admit the truth 1229 01:16:50,647 --> 01:16:52,774 Never gonna love another like you 1230 01:16:56,153 --> 01:16:58,280 Never gonna love another like you 1231 01:17:01,366 --> 01:17:03,827 Never gonna love another like you 1232 01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:09,541 Never gonna love another like you