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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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No, no, no, no. Oh, come on!
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Come on, he's cheating! He's cheating.
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- How does he keep winning?
- He has the good controller.
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Alright, you guys,
I'm gonna be right back.
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Jesus, people.
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It's a madhouse.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Matteo Lane!
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Hi!
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Hello.
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Hello.
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Oh, my God.
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Look, this is a very important night.
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We have a lot of things to discuss.
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Um, white women.
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Look, white women,
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during the day...
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you're fine.
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You're fine.
You know, you're in HR, you're in PR.
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You're fine. Everything is fine.
It's just...
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you have one sip of a rosé...
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and you're like,
"Tonight's about...
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...me."
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What is happening to you?
First of all,
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we all know the sound
of a drunk white woman, right?
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Because we--
You do!
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And here's the thing.
It's not that it's loud.
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That's not it. It's piercing.
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It's piercing.
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You know the sound.
If you take a drunk white woman,
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you put her 50 feet underground
in a military base,
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you're still gonna hear,
"French fries?"
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Like, it's just...
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Yes.
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This is what I've noticed, too.
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Every single conversation
with white women,
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it is all the exact same.
Every single one.
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It doesn't matter where you are,
what country you're in,
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what time of day,
it's always gonna be,
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"I was telling Joanne the other day
that she's not gonna be going..."
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You don't have to go to them
to finish the conversation.
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You can go to any other group
of white women,
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they will finish
the conversation for you.
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"She was saying that I'm not
doing my job, but I said..."
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I was in Rome a couple of months
ago and, uh...
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Ciao, and...
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I saw these three white girls walking.
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They were probably like 19, 20.
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I mean, you know, young,
probably their first time in Rome.
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They feel like adults.
And they're all eating gelato
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and they're walking,
and the girl on the right goes,
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"This gelato's better
than the gelato we had yesterday."
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And the girl in the middle goes...
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"Another win for TikTok!"
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I hope she's dead.
That...
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I hope...
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This would be another win
for TikTok, I...
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And what's funny is like, I'm--
okay, so my TikTok and Instagram,
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I don't know how this happened,
but like, my algorithm,
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it's just turned into
white women cooking pasta.
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I don't know how
I've gotten here.
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I mean-- and I know Italians are white.
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I'm just talking about Sara,
not Maria, um...
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So, this is how old I--
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I didn't know that there were,
like, trending recipes.
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I didn't realize that this was the thing.
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But the-- the recipe I see
over and over and over again,
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it's always the same thing,
it's olive oil, onion, garlic,
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tomato paste, like, uh,
heavy whipping cream, fresh mozzarella,
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and like, fusilli, you know.
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And the pasta, whatever,
it's fine, I'm sure.
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But I saw this woman, she was
entering the video, and she goes,
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"If you wanna make that meal
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that's gonna make him, 'Mm!'"
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This woman has no friends,
because...
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Your friends hold you
accountable, don't they?
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I mean, if I made a pasta video
and I entered it by being like,
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"If you want to make
that meal that's gonna make him, 'Mm,'"
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and I saw my friends
later that day, they'd be like,
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"What in the faggotry
are you talking about?"
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It's so funny.
I love going to Italy, I go so--
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Is anyone here from Italy?
Not Long Island.
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I go to Italy all the time.
And what's funny is I--
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I'm always writing jokes about Italy.
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And then I realize,
for all the years that I've been going,
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I've never done anything,
like, gay in Italy, and--
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Well...
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I just mean, they're conservative,
I guess that's what I mean.
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But they have the Vatican there.
The Vatican.
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Just men in dresses, like,
"No girls allowed." Um...
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So gay, but...
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You're so gay.
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I just mean, like,
I've never gone on a date before.
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The only time I went on a date in Italy,
it was three years ago.
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I was in Rome, and I was talking
to this guy named Giuseppe,
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and, uh...
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Pinocchio's cousin, and...
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And I was texting him
when I was at my hotel.
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And then, he-- when he got there,
he texted me, he goes,
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"I'm downstairs," and, uh...
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His text had that accent, so...
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I go downstairs,
and it's just so classic Rome.
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Like, it's just--
he's literally leaning on a red Vespa.
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And I said out loud, I'm like,
"Am I Lizzie McGuire?"
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Just on the back of the Vespa,
like, "Sing to me, Paolo!"
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♪ This is what dreams are made of ♪
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By the way, I rewatched that movie.
Paolo is fully Mexican and...
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A hundred--
if you could see the outtakes,
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I'm sure they're like,
"And action."
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"Hola, Lizzie."
"Cut!"
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Every time I go to Italy, though,
something happens.
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This is crazy.
So, a year ago-- this-- alright.
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I met the most famous woman in the world
when I was in Rome last year.
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So, I'm hanging out with my friend
Daniele Gattano, who's an Italian comic.
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He's-- he's very funny. He's also gay.
He's basically me, but there.
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And, uh...
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We went to this restaurant
and it wasn't even, like,
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a fancy restaurant, just a restaurant.
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And they were like,
"Do you wanna eat inside or outside?"
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We're like, "We'll eat outside."
You know, it's a nice day.
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So, we go outside,
and he's sitting across from me,
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and he just starts to panic, he's like...
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"Uh, Matteo.
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Eh, Matteo. Matteo. Matteo.
Matteo. Matteo."
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I'm like, "What? What is it?
What? What's going on? What?"
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"Opfra. Opfra, Matteo, Opfra."
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I'm like, "Opfra?
What's an Opfra?" He's like,
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"Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!
Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!"
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They call Oprah "Opfra,"
I don't know why.
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So, I turn around, I look.
It's fucking Opfra!
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Oprah goddamn Winfrey-- by the way,
born and raised in Chicago, 25 years.
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I never ran into the bitch once.
I'm in Rome...
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It's Oprah.
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So... now, I'm thinking to myself,
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I'm like, "Okay, I have to say
something to Oprah, right?"
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I can't-- by the way,
when you see a celebrity,
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you don't wanna hold them hostage.
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Just give 'em
a drive-by compliment, okay?
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But I'm like, what can I say to, like,
encapsulate everything that I am
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that I'm thinking, right?
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That I'm gay, I'm American,
and she looks great, so...
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I'm thinkin'.
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So, she's walking in.
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She's, like, this close to me.
I take off my sunglasses.
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We make direct eye contact,
and I go, "You better work."
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I-- right?
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I-- and I swear to God,
you know what she said to me?
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I swear to God, she goes,
"You better work!"
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Swear to God. Swear to God.
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And she did,
she made us meatballs, uh...
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No. I love going to Italy.
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And you know, it's funny, last summer,
I went-- I always go to Sicily.
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I have a lot of family
and friends in Sicily.
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And, uh, I went to Sicily last year,
and I went with my friend Giovanni.
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And in, um, the northeast part of Sicily,
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uh, they have these tiny islands,
like a cluster of islands,
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and one of them is called Lipari.
Really, really small.
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And I went with my friend Giovanni,
and we get there,
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and, you know, everyone's like,
"Oh, if you want to eat,
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"you have to go to this restaurant,
it's called Trattoria Siciliana.
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It's the best.
That's where you go eat."
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So, 7 p.m., we show up,
we get to the restaurant.
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It's packed, right?
Obviously, it's the only place to eat.
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So, we see there's one table open
with two chairs.
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So, we go to the woman working there
who's in her early hundreds, and...
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That's the thing with Italian women,
I don't-- they're either like 25 or 92.
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There's like nothing in between.
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They're either like a long,
gorgeous model in Milan
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or they're E.T. in a housecoat, so...
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It's...
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Remember when they put E.T. in drag?
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That's my nonna, so...
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So, we walk up to her,
and in Italian, you know,
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we're like, "Hey, like, you know,
there's a seat open. Can we go?"
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She's like, "Okay."
So, she's walking us to the table.
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So-- she walks like Mariah Carey
in her Christmas concert
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and just barely get to...
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...table.
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We'll get to Mariah in a minute.
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I have stories, so...
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So, we get to the table
and then, in the chair--
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I don't even know if this is a joke,
it's just what happened.
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There's a cat in the chair,
and she just goes,
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"Eh... no."
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We were like, "What? Why?"
She goes, [in Italian accent] "Rocco!"
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It's so funny, when I was writing
this joke, I called my friend Giovanni.
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I was like, "Hey, I'm writing
a joke about you."
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And before I could finish, he goes,
"Ah, yes. Rocco."
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We would get coffee every morning
at this pasticceria
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that was close to us,
and, uh, it's the same thing.
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It's all, you know,
E.T.s in housecoats cooking for us. And...
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You know, you're-- you're in Sicily
in the middle of the summer.
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It's hot.
Everyone's very dark, very tan.
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We walk in one day,
and there's a girl working there.
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She's probably like 20 years old.
She's so white.
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We thought she was haunting us.
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She was so white.
So, I walk up to her
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and I'm like, you know, "Buongiorno."
She's like, "Buongiorno."
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And I start to order coffee.
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00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,271
I'm like...
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00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,941
And she's like, "Oh, wait, no.
Um, if-- per favore-- no, um..."
203
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,610
And I go, "Do you speak English?"
She goes, "I'm from Ireland!"
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00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,823
I was like, "What are you doing here?"
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She's like,
"I met this Italian man
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"six months ago
and I moved to this island,
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I'm working at his mother's pastry shop,
and I'm sweating, help me!"
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Dumb bitch, so...
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00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,213
But that's the cool thing
about doing this job,
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is after so many years of doing standup,
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I finally get to tour internationally,
and I don't just mean Canada.
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I am...
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00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,514
My first international tour
I did was last year.
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I did it in Europe, we started in France.
It was so cool.
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00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,103
And my opener I always bring
is one of my best friends,
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00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,689
Francesco De Carlo,
who's a very funny Italian comic.
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00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,191
And you know,
when you're in another country,
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you try and learn small phrases, right?
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00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:56,405
So, if you walk into a store,
we're in France, "Bonjour. Merci."
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00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,365
And then when you leave,
"Au revoir."
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00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,826
But Francesco's accent
in Italian is so thick,
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00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:04,246
every time I would say "au revoir,"
behind me, I'd just hear, "Ow wow."
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00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,005
I'm like, "Francesco,
what are you saying?"
224
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,923
"I don't know, I cannot say this word.
225
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:18,386
Oh, wow. Ow, ow, ow. Ciao."
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00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,764
I'm so used to performing
for American audiences,
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00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,851
I didn't even think that small things
would be so different, right?
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00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,978
So, for example,
an American audience,
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00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,480
when I ask a question
I'm looking for a "yes" answer,
230
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:34,151
Americans always go, "Whoo!"
That's just how we say "yes."
231
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,945
So, I'm in Paris, I'm doing the show.
232
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:40,449
It's like a thousand gay Frenchmen--
gayer Frenchmen, um...
233
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,036
Everyone looks so gay.
I look straight in Paris.
234
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,330
I look like
I'm crushing pussy in Paris.
235
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,795
Bon soir.
236
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,590
Just, whoa, you know.
237
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,718
Imagine? So...
238
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,348
In these shorts, you know, so...
239
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,228
So, you know, I'm-I'm-I'm--
I'm in this show, right?
240
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,313
I'm doing this show, and then
there's a thousand people, right?
241
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,690
So, I ask a question,
I think that they're gonna go "Whoo!"
242
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,985
And I swear to God,
at the same time they all go, "Yes."
243
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:29,414
After the show, we go to this restaurant,
and this restaurant,
244
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,918
it's-- it's one of these places
where it's so highfalutin,
245
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,836
like, everyone just seems
so important.
246
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,422
And the servers,
they weren't even, like, pretty women.
247
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:41,802
They were models off the runway,
and they were so mean to us. Um...
248
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:44,096
They were, they were so mean to us.
249
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,098
But they were so pretty,
they could throw soup in my face,
250
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,059
I'd be like, "Merci. Um..."
251
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,395
But one of them, she's holding
this, you know, giant tray
252
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:52,938
of, like, dishes and glasses.
253
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:56,191
She's walking, and she falls,
it smashes everywhere.
254
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,402
And the whole restaurant's looking,
they're like...
255
00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:00,445
And Francesco's eating a salad.
He doesn't even look up.
256
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:03,031
He just goes...
"You can't have everything in life."
257
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,959
"Ow wow."
258
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,131
The shows were really fun in Paris.
259
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,924
And then we went off to Amsterdam.
260
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,592
Has anyone been to Amsterdam before?
261
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,219
Yeah.
262
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,305
I-I had a great time. I just--
You know what it is?
263
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,682
I couldn't pronounce anybody's name.
264
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:31,560
I couldn't-- not a s--
everyone's name sounded like a sneeze.
265
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,396
I'd be like, "Hi, my name is Matteo."
266
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,398
"My name is..."
I'm like, oh!
267
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:39,568
Gesundheit.
268
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:42,321
They're like, "Gesundheit, that's my son."
Oh, just shut up!
269
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:47,451
The Dutch are so different
as audiences.
270
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,953
I mean, you know, in Italy,
when you perform in Italy,
271
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:54,416
you blink and the audience is like,
"Oh, grazie, Matteo."
272
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,169
This is how the Dutch laugh.
273
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,010
Then after the show, they come up to you.
274
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,512
"That is the hardest
I've ever laughed in my entire life.
275
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,392
"My cheeks hurt, I have abs.
276
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,644
I shall never forget this night
for the rest of my life."
277
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,236
They have all these canals
in Amsterdam,
278
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:26,198
you know, 'cause they think
they're Venice, and, uh...
279
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,200
It's cool, they have these boats
that you can get
280
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,702
and people sit and drink,
there's like bars and servers.
281
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,287
It's cool.
It's very glamorous, you know?
282
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,581
So, Francesco's like,
"Hey, we should get a boat."
283
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,374
So, we get a boat, and we show up.
284
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,878
Clearly, we fell into a tourist trap,
'cause our boat didn't have a bar.
285
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,422
Uh, it had a bag
of Heinekens, and...
286
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,634
So, we're like, whatever,
let's just get on the boat.
287
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,887
So, we get on the boat, and you know,
we-- we have this tour guide.
288
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,223
Now, the tour guide's only job
289
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,725
is to just tell us facts
about Amsterdam.
290
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:57,354
But she thought she was a comedian,
so we immediately hated her.
291
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,066
Now, I don't-- if you've been
to Amsterdam before,
292
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,819
you know that some of the buildings
are like short, tall.
293
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,905
They're like wonky-looking.
They lean forward, they lean back, right?
294
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,949
So, she points to a cluster of them
and she's like,
295
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,951
"Does everyone
see those buildings over there?"
296
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,577
We're like, "Yeah."
She goes,
297
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,122
"We call those the gay buildings."
298
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,001
And the gay part could give a shit.
299
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,420
You know, the comedian part's like,
"What's the punchline?"
300
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,093
So, Francesco and I both
raised our hands and...
301
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,845
And she goes, "Yes?"
302
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,638
And we're like,
"Why are they the gay buildings?"
303
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,891
And she goes,
"'Cause they're not straight."
304
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,279
Cunt.
305
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,207
So, we did Europe,
and then right after that,
306
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,792
I went to Australia to do shows.
307
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,544
I've never been to Australia before,
308
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,629
and, uh, I-I've learned something,
309
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:08,800
that Americans know nothing
about Australia.
310
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,760
We really don't.
I was in Sydney and my friend called.
311
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,804
She was like, "Oh, my God,
how exotic is Australia?"
312
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,764
I'm like, "I'm at a Sephora."
313
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,811
This is something I didn't realize
all Australians knew.
314
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,480
So, when I was on my way there,
I was, you know, on Instagram,
315
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:24,524
and I'm like, "Oh, my God,
can't wait to hold on to a koala,"
316
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:27,194
which I don't want to hold on--
That's another white woman move.
317
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,197
Holding a koala.
Not all white women,
318
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,823
but the same white women
that when they were 13,
319
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,283
they went to the Bahamas
for spring break,
320
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,993
and they came back
with their hair braided.
321
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:40,207
Re...
Remember?
322
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,666
We were like,
"Molly, you have red hair.
323
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,293
This is Chicago, put a hat on."
So...
324
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,088
So, I just said-- I was joking.
I was like, "Going to Australia.
325
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,715
Can't wait to hold on to a koala."
326
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,717
Did not realize this was a fact
everyone knew.
327
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,220
I got hundreds of messages
of Australians being like,
328
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,055
"Well, you know, they've got chlamydia."
329
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,436
Yeah, I'm not trying to lick its pussy.
330
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,401
Is this happening? I mean-- are--
Are that many Americans try--
331
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,570
"And say cheese."
332
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,000
I just wrote back and said,
"I didn't turn gay yesterday.
333
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,294
I've hung out with bears
that have chlamydia."
334
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:34,970
The accent thing, though.
I mean, that's the thing.
335
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,721
Look, I understand, I'm the foreigner.
336
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,890
I'm the one that has the accent, okay?
337
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,434
But every single morning
I would call for breakfast,
338
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,186
and this guy would pick up
and he'd be like...
339
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,355
"Hello?"
340
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,190
And-- and I was like, oh.
341
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,150
I was like, you know,
"Do you guys have yogurt and granola?
342
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,528
Just looking for something light."
And I know he didn't say this,
343
00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:53,321
but to me, it sounded like him saying...
344
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,411
And they would always end it with,
"...if you'd like."
345
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,625
And I was too afraid to say anything,
so I just said yes.
346
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,836
So, every morning,
I just ate salmon for breakfast.
347
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,381
I'm like, "Ohh."
348
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,508
You gotta be careful with
the Australian accent, though.
349
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,052
You really have to get it right,
because I remember when I was 18,
350
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,555
I was in college, and this
foreign exchange student came in
351
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:21,016
and she was, you know, like,
"Hello. Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi."
352
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,143
You know, and I'm trying to be nice.
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
353
00:18:23,144 --> 00:18:24,894
welcome to Chicago from Australia."
354
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,146
And she's like...
355
00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:27,814
"New Zealand, actually."
356
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,609
It's like, okay, well,
I didn't say China,
357
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,693
like, I was pretty close.
358
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,783
Also, how annoying was New Zealand
during the pandemic?
359
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,869
Does anybody remember this?
360
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,705
The most-- their prime minister
would get on TV every single day
361
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:47,917
and be like, "I just wanna say that
we in New Zealand have no cases of Covid."
362
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,920
I'm like, no one lives there.
363
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:55,885
I'm in Manhattan, you idiot.
364
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,428
Anybody could do that job.
365
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:00,430
"You go there, and you go there.
366
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,557
Problem solved!"
Like, it's...
367
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067
That's the thing, though.
When you're doing this job,
368
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,819
you're traveling so much.
I'm in Ubers all the time.
369
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,239
I'm just-- everywhere I go, every country,
every city, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber.
370
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,367
Everywhere you go,
they have their own Uber culture.
371
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:22,494
So, New York, we have
the most specific Uber culture.
372
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,288
And I just want to ask you,
here in Los Angeles,
373
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:29,709
I wanna know,
clap if you talk to your Uber driver.
374
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:45,308
What's wrong with you?
375
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,894
In New York, we do not talk
to our Uber drivers.
376
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,479
They don't want to talk to us,
it's a mutual--
377
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,231
Here's how much
we don't want to talk to each other.
378
00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:54,609
I got into a car accident in my Uber
on 39th Street and Sixth Avenue,
379
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,903
and I still said nothing
to my Uber driver.
380
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,866
We made direct eye contact
in the rear view mirror.
381
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,369
I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the car.
382
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,668
But everywhere else you go,
they want to talk to you.
383
00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,086
The worst, North Carolina.
384
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,963
The worst was North Carolina.
385
00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:17,841
I said what I said. I...
386
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:21,344
I'm running to my Uber, it's raining,
I gotta get to the airport.
387
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,221
Before I can even
close the door, this man,
388
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,557
it's a New Yorker's nightmare.
He turns around.
389
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,977
"Well, well, well, well."
390
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:38,612
"Looks like someone's
going to the airport today."
391
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:41,448
No!
392
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,122
And I'm trying everything in my power
393
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,582
to give him all the international signs
394
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,292
of I don't want to have
a conversation with him.
395
00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:54,043
I've got eight headphones on.
I'm just...
396
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,505
This man doesn't give a shit.
He's ready to have brunch.
397
00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:59,507
He's like,
"Well, that's great,
398
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:00,967
"'cause I need to visit my son
399
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:03,763
who lives near the airport after this."
400
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:05,805
Fine.
401
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:10,644
Then he says--
I'm not making this up, he goes...
402
00:21:11,729 --> 00:21:15,106
"My son has... cancer."
403
00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:20,779
So, I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the car.
404
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:29,120
How am I supposed
to respond to this? I...
405
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,498
You will get the five stars,
I just can't--
406
00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:33,041
By the way,
I was running this joke once,
407
00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:34,959
and this woman yelled,
she was like, "Not funny!"
408
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,795
I was like, are you an Uber driver?
Like...
409
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,255
So stupid.
410
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:42,300
She's like, "I'm a cancer survivor."
411
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,969
So, I hit cancel,
and I walked out of the...
412
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:51,184
But that's the thing though,
I'm traveling so much,
413
00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,019
I'm on planes so much,
I'm in new hotels,
414
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,063
I'm in Ubers,
my back is always in pain.
415
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:57,232
And I was talking to my friend Mitch.
416
00:21:57,233 --> 00:21:59,943
I don't even know how to get
into this story, I just...
417
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:02,237
I hired an escort.
I didn't mean to, and...
418
00:22:02,238 --> 00:22:04,405
I really didn't mean to.
419
00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:06,866
Okay, so here's what happened.
I was talking to my friend Mitch,
420
00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:08,827
and I was just saying,
"Oh, my back is always in pain."
421
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,787
Like, you know,
"I gotta get a massage therapist."
422
00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:13,039
But Mitch is not
in the right state of mind.
423
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,749
He's a freshly divorced,
middle-aged gay man
424
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:17,085
in his sexual prime,
which I know sounds redundant. Um...
425
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,420
When I said that,
426
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,756
he was like,
"You need a massage therapist?
427
00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,385
I've got the perfect guy for you."
428
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,012
Here's how stupid I am.
This guy messages me.
429
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:30,431
His first message is "Only bring cash."
430
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:31,724
I'm like, "Got it."
431
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,690
He kept telling me to meet him at this,
like, undisclosed location in Chinatown.
432
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:41,359
I remember walking up the stairs
saying out loud, "This is scary."
433
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,445
Um...
434
00:22:46,574 --> 00:22:49,367
I would be so easy to murder.
So, I...
435
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,661
And it was impossible to find.
436
00:22:51,662 --> 00:22:55,123
I felt like I was in a shrine in Zelda.
Like, I could not find the exit.
437
00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:56,791
Finally, I found it.
And you know what's funny?
438
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,334
Like, you know when you go into a spa,
439
00:22:58,335 --> 00:22:59,836
usually there's, like, spa music.
440
00:22:59,837 --> 00:23:02,005
Like, Enya's on.
You walk in, it's like...
441
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:05,758
♪ Who can say where the road goes ♪
442
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:08,052
♪ Where the-- ♪
There was no Enya on.
443
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:10,555
I walk in, it's a man under a neon light
who's very scary,
444
00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:12,181
and he's like,
"Go in that room and get naked."
445
00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:14,559
I was like, "On my way!"
446
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,896
So, I walk--
I wish I was making this up.
447
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,940
I walk in the room,
there's the table, no blanket,
448
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:23,651
and I lay down naked,
ass up, ready to be killed, um...
449
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:27,864
And here's the thing.
I got my head looking through that, like,
450
00:23:27,865 --> 00:23:29,365
you know, like, the massage table.
451
00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:31,034
Like, it's like a donut hole, right?
452
00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:32,577
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so I could see the ground.
453
00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:35,204
So, I'm looking at the floor,
and I hear the door close behind me,
454
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:38,708
and I just see two legs walk up in front,
and then his pants just drop.
455
00:23:38,709 --> 00:23:40,835
But I'm so stupid.
456
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,837
I'm like, "Uh, he must be warm."
Like, I'm not even...
457
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:46,299
I'm not thinking about it.
458
00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:48,092
So, he starts massaging me.
459
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:49,802
And because I think
it's a massage, you know,
460
00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:51,387
I start falling asleep.
461
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:53,556
I wake up ten minutes later
with a finger in my ass.
462
00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:56,851
I kn-- For a minute I was like,
"I'm being raped!"
463
00:23:56,852 --> 00:23:59,479
And I thought, "Oh no, that's right.
I paid for it."
464
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:08,739
I did, I paid for it, and...
465
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:12,951
I tipped, so...
466
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:14,744
It's so funny.
I called my friend Mitch afterwards.
467
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:16,371
I was like, "How dare you
send me to this place!"
468
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:17,705
He's like,
"Did you have a good time?"
469
00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,207
Like, "Of course, I had a good time!"
470
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,507
I should be doing something though.
I should be getting massages.
471
00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:30,301
I should do yoga, I should stretch,
I should do something, but I don't.
472
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:32,512
I'm lazy.
I-- I go to the gym.
473
00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:35,223
But even going-- like, that--
the gym was such a hard hill
474
00:24:35,224 --> 00:24:38,017
for me to get over,
because I'm not a sports person.
475
00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:39,769
I never was a sports person.
I'm not comfortable
476
00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:41,354
in sports environments, like...
477
00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:42,939
You know, like, for example,
when I was a kid,
478
00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:45,817
I would've love to play sports--
hockey, soccer, something.
479
00:24:45,818 --> 00:24:48,236
But the dads, the kids, and coaches
were so mean and homophobic,
480
00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:50,113
I'm like, "Ugh, fine, I'll sing."
481
00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:52,240
So...
482
00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:54,867
Because here's the thing, I-- my--
and I know I'm generalizing here.
483
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,912
Like, clap if you're a straight man.
484
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:02,875
Gays, get 'em! No, I...
485
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,878
I'm teasing.
486
00:25:05,879 --> 00:25:08,047
But this is how it happens, I, uh...
487
00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:12,510
I know, and I know
I'm generalizing here, okay?
488
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:15,346
But in my mind, like,
when straight guys go to the gym,
489
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:17,390
they maybe started
when they were like 15.
490
00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:21,477
They're with their like, coach,
or friends, or you know, soccer, whatever.
491
00:25:21,478 --> 00:25:26,065
So, they start at 15 and the trajectory
is just-- it's easier for them.
492
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:28,651
They-- they go with their friends,
they get more confident.
493
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:30,153
Now, it's a place they look better.
494
00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,946
Now, they go all the time.
Now, it's social.
495
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:35,658
But I do notice, they get married,
they turn 30, they have kids.
496
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:37,910
That's when the gays swoop in, um...
497
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,829
We come out of the woodwork.
498
00:25:39,830 --> 00:25:41,748
We're like, "The coast is clear!"
Um...
499
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:49,881
But even to this day, I don't know
how to talk to straight guys at the gym.
500
00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:52,175
Like, I just don't have the same energy.
There's a trainer at my--
501
00:25:52,176 --> 00:25:53,968
he's not my trainer,
but there's a trainer at my gym.
502
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:56,012
His name is Giovanni,
he's from the Bronx, he's Latino.
503
00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:58,139
Very scary, like a top.
And, uh...
504
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:02,101
We see each other every single day.
505
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:04,854
You know, when you see someone every day,
you acknowledge each other.
506
00:26:04,855 --> 00:26:07,983
But the way he acknowledges me,
he just walks up and goes...
507
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:11,861
And I don't know how to respond,
so I'm just like...
508
00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,624
I answer questions
he hasn't even asked me.
509
00:26:24,625 --> 00:26:26,542
He's like, [deep voice] "Hey."
"Good, thanks."
510
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:36,594
One time I was working out,
it was shoulder day.
511
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,763
So, I'm sitting there,
I'm doing-- I'm doing shoulders,
512
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,723
and, uh, I'm looking in the mirror.
513
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,226
And the biggest guy at the gym,
I mean, he was a centaur.
514
00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:46,771
This man was giant,
and he was approaching me.
515
00:26:46,772 --> 00:26:49,982
I mean, I felt like Josie Grossie.
I was like "Prom?" Um...
516
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:55,071
He walks up to me and he was like,
"Hey, can you spot me?"
517
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:56,948
I'm like, "Good, thanks."
No.
518
00:26:56,949 --> 00:26:59,075
I didn't say that.
519
00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:01,244
So, I walk up to the bench press.
520
00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:04,205
You guys, it's like--
it was 1,000 pounds on each side.
521
00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:06,207
I mean, the amount of weight--
I wanted to be like,
522
00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:09,627
"Sir, you have a better chance
of surviving asking the wind to spot you."
523
00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,715
So...
524
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:17,135
So, I go behind him,
and I just put my hands out like that,
525
00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:19,178
'cause I've seen other people
do it, um...
526
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:24,183
And the thing I love about straight guys,
you were never taught shame.
527
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,018
So, your first push,
you're at the Olympics,
528
00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:27,854
You're like, "Yeah!"
You know, and I'm panicking.
529
00:27:27,855 --> 00:27:29,605
I'm like, "Oh, it's just me
and my gay weak hands.
530
00:27:29,606 --> 00:27:31,399
The only thing that's keeping
this man alive!"
531
00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:35,194
Because if this falls, he dies,
and I'm just running around
532
00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,738
like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage,
like, "Paramedic!"
533
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,116
I just... dance.
534
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,453
Oh!
535
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,205
It was such a relief when it was over.
536
00:27:46,206 --> 00:27:49,125
He was like, "Thanks, man."
I'm like, "Never again!"
537
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,673
I decided I'm gonna get a trainer, right?
538
00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:57,800
That'll give me confidence.
I'll know what I'm doing.
539
00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,719
I don't feel so lost in the gym.
540
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,762
And the process of getting
a trainer is fun.
541
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,265
You just walk up to the manager,
you're like, "I want a trainer."
542
00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:06,100
They open up a book,
show you pictures,
543
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:07,852
and I'm like, "He's hot." Um...
544
00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:10,354
I pick this guy.
545
00:28:10,355 --> 00:28:11,772
I picked the scariest looking guy.
546
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:14,191
He had a big beard, backwards hat,
his name was Damon.
547
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:15,860
And then I just started
having fantasies.
548
00:28:15,861 --> 00:28:17,778
I'm like, it's-- it's gonna be like
a Ricki Lake episode.
549
00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:19,488
Like...
550
00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:21,240
You know, like,
"My mom can't control me.
551
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,367
I'm 13,"
I'm like, "Fuck you," you know?
552
00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:24,911
And then, like,
a drill sergeant comes out
553
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:26,287
and screaming at me, and I'm crying.
554
00:28:26,288 --> 00:28:27,663
It was just a fantasy, so I...
555
00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:33,336
So, I went to go meet him, right,
the very first day.
556
00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:35,087
Never met him before.
I walk up, I'm like,
557
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:38,007
"Hey, Damon, my name is Matteo."
You know, "How was your weekend?"
558
00:28:38,008 --> 00:28:40,760
And he goes,
"Oh, I think my dog is sick,
559
00:28:40,761 --> 00:28:42,178
and I'm really upset about it."
560
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:49,852
♪ This is what dreams are made of ♪
561
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,109
He's so gay and Australian,
I love him so much.
562
00:28:57,235 --> 00:28:59,362
I did decide, I was like,
I'm gonna tell Giovanni,
563
00:28:59,363 --> 00:29:01,697
the other trainer, that I have
a joke about him, just 'cause--
564
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:04,116
'Cause I think if I have a joke
about someone, they should know,
565
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,869
and... Mariah's not
gotten back to me, but...
566
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:11,290
Hey, Mariah.
You know.
567
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:13,250
But I went up to him and I was like,
"Hey, you know,
568
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,252
my name is Matteo, I'm a comedian."
569
00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:17,463
And, you know, I just
sort of explained the joke,
570
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:19,340
and he didn't really respond.
571
00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:22,010
But now, every time I see him
at the gym, he does this.
572
00:29:35,232 --> 00:29:36,899
I really want to fuck him.
573
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:44,323
Yeah, it's so funny writing standup.
Everyone does it so differently.
574
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,702
You know, some people have a whole hour
and they talk about some trauma,
575
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:49,161
or they have, like, a through-line.
576
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:51,455
And I always felt like
my standup was more just like,
577
00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:54,417
we're catching up at brunch, you know,
I don't know, it's just light.
578
00:29:54,418 --> 00:29:56,919
Maybe I'm a bad writer, but, uh...
579
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,212
It's hard,
580
00:29:58,213 --> 00:30:00,089
because I really do just talk
about my life.
581
00:30:00,090 --> 00:30:02,383
And-- and there's some things
I really do want to talk about.
582
00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:05,302
And something I've wanted to talk about
is the fact that I'm Mexican.
583
00:30:05,303 --> 00:30:07,388
And my mother is Ital...
584
00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,890
Hola.
585
00:30:09,891 --> 00:30:11,517
It's funny,
my mom's Italian and Mexican,
586
00:30:11,518 --> 00:30:14,228
so it just makes me look like Jafar
if he came out of the closet and...
587
00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:16,731
"Prince Abubu."
588
00:30:16,732 --> 00:30:20,317
You know he's, like, so gay.
589
00:30:20,318 --> 00:30:22,028
Jafar was gay.
Remember he had that one wish?
590
00:30:22,029 --> 00:30:23,946
He was like,
"I wish for Princess Jasmine
591
00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:25,531
to fall desperately in love with me."
592
00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:27,700
I'm like, "Girl, we've all had that wish."
593
00:30:27,701 --> 00:30:29,869
So gay.
594
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,000
You know who--
we'll get back to Mexicans.
595
00:30:36,001 --> 00:30:38,127
You know who else is gay?
Mufasa.
596
00:30:38,128 --> 00:30:40,880
Okay, so...
597
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,590
Mufasa's gay.
Okay, I know Scar's gay.
598
00:30:42,591 --> 00:30:44,467
We're skipping over Scar.
Okay, so there's a scene
599
00:30:44,468 --> 00:30:47,636
where Mufasa's yelling at Scar,
and then Zazu shows up, and...
600
00:30:47,637 --> 00:30:50,097
Zazu's also gay, so...
601
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,477
♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts ♪
602
00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:56,479
Like, whoa, Mary! Okay, so...
603
00:30:58,315 --> 00:31:01,776
Zazu lands on Mufasa's shoulder,
they start having a kiki about Scar and...
604
00:31:01,777 --> 00:31:04,320
Zazu's making a joke about Scar.
605
00:31:04,321 --> 00:31:06,572
He's like,
"He'd make a very nice throw rug!"
606
00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:09,700
And Mufasa from totally butch goes,
"Oh, Zazu!"
607
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,453
I'm like, "Gay!"
608
00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:15,082
I see it, I see it.
609
00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:23,923
Okay, one more, alright.
610
00:31:23,924 --> 00:31:26,133
Just one more.
I just really think that magic mirror
611
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:28,887
from Snow White is so gay.
612
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:30,679
Am I wrong? Right?
613
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,849
First of all, I was that mirror
in high school.
614
00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:36,602
I was telling all my best girlfriends,
like, "You are the prettiest."
615
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,604
Like, I know that...
616
00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:41,440
I know that life, you know?
But this mirror was a bitch.
617
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:44,151
This mirror knew that
that queen was crazy.
618
00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:45,986
And all he had to do
to keep things running smoothly
619
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:47,863
was be like, "You're the best,
you're the best."
620
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:49,490
And one day, she came up
and she was like,
621
00:31:49,491 --> 00:31:52,993
"Who is the fairest in the land?"
622
00:31:52,994 --> 00:31:54,912
"That bitch. Get her!"
You know.
623
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:57,374
"Go."
624
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:03,462
I am part Mexican,
and, uh, I do speak Spanish.
625
00:32:03,463 --> 00:32:06,465
I learned Italian first,
and now when I speak Spanish,
626
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:08,717
I have a really thick Italian accent.
627
00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:10,886
So, every time I talk to other Latinos,
they're always like...
628
00:32:10,887 --> 00:32:12,638
"You sound like Mario."
629
00:32:14,724 --> 00:32:17,560
"Yo tengo una pregunta. Wahoo!"
You know.
630
00:32:17,561 --> 00:32:20,939
"Wha! Hoo! Wha!"
631
00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:26,902
The reason I don't know anything
about my Mexican family,
632
00:32:26,903 --> 00:32:29,155
uh, it's a very telenovela story.
633
00:32:29,156 --> 00:32:32,575
But I guess the best way
to describe it is, um,
634
00:32:32,576 --> 00:32:35,536
so a couple years ago,
I did this Mexican TV show
635
00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:38,497
called Noches con Platanito.
636
00:32:38,498 --> 00:32:39,957
There are some Mexicans in here.
637
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:42,626
Okay, so...
638
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:44,628
Uh, it means "Night of the Little Banana."
639
00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:47,006
And, um, it's super Mexican.
640
00:32:47,007 --> 00:32:48,549
It's hosted by a clown.
It makes no sense.
641
00:32:48,550 --> 00:32:51,218
Anyway, so I knew
when I was going on to the show,
642
00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:53,429
the producer said,
"He's gonna ask about your grandpa."
643
00:32:53,430 --> 00:32:55,431
My grandpa's Mexican.
So, I get there.
644
00:32:55,432 --> 00:32:56,515
First question is like,
645
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,309
"Okay, so your grandpa is Mexican,
646
00:32:58,310 --> 00:33:00,769
so that means you are Mexican,
so tell us about your grandpa."
647
00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:02,313
And I was like,
"Yes, that's true.
648
00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:03,939
"You know, my grandpa's from Jalisco,
649
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:06,775
and, uh, you know..."
650
00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:09,737
Mis primos.
651
00:33:09,738 --> 00:33:12,865
Wahoo, you know. Uh...
652
00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:14,867
But, uh, you know, I said, "That's true.
653
00:33:14,868 --> 00:33:17,161
"You know, my grandpa's family
is from Jalisco, Mexico.
654
00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,705
"But, you know,
I-- I never got to know them
655
00:33:19,706 --> 00:33:21,832
"because, you see, my, uh, grandpa
656
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:24,919
"and my grandma had five kids together.
657
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:29,006
"And at the same time, he had
five kids with another woman.
658
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:34,220
And named them all the same names."
659
00:33:34,221 --> 00:33:36,013
Ohh!
660
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:37,848
That's how I thought Noches
were going to respond.
661
00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:38,933
And instead, he goes,
662
00:33:38,934 --> 00:33:40,684
"Your grandpa's very smart."
663
00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:55,032
So, I have been connecting more
with my Mexican heritage.
664
00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:58,202
My husband's from Mexico,
so I was going back and forth a lot
665
00:33:58,203 --> 00:34:01,413
when we were long-distance dating.
He lives in New York now, and, uh,
666
00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:03,874
I have noticed, though,
every single time I go to Mexico,
667
00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:06,168
there's always a problem.
Every single time.
668
00:34:06,169 --> 00:34:08,629
The last time I went to Mexico
before he moved to the States,
669
00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:10,464
I was in San Antonio, Texas, and--
670
00:34:10,465 --> 00:34:12,258
No, and...
671
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,057
No.
672
00:34:24,187 --> 00:34:27,481
It's lovely there, so...
673
00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:31,110
But literally, I-I go
to the airport, I'm flying Air Mexico.
674
00:34:31,111 --> 00:34:33,862
I walk up, all of the signs, like,
"delayed, delayed, delayed, delayed."
675
00:34:33,863 --> 00:34:35,823
I'm like, "What is going on?
Why are we delayed?"
676
00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:39,535
And they go,
"Oh, a volcano's gone off in Mexico City,
677
00:34:39,536 --> 00:34:42,121
"so we just don't know
how long it's gonna take
678
00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:43,455
before we can get out of here."
679
00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:48,294
Now, usually, when you hear
a volcano's gone off at your destination,
680
00:34:48,295 --> 00:34:50,838
you're like, "I should
reschedule this trip."
681
00:34:52,215 --> 00:34:55,467
But... I had already douched.
682
00:35:05,687 --> 00:35:09,940
So, I walked up to the front desk
and I was like, "Hi, sir.
683
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:12,860
"I know there's a volcano going off,
684
00:35:12,861 --> 00:35:15,446
"but, um, I douched.
685
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,449
"And, uh, you might not know
what that means,
686
00:35:18,450 --> 00:35:21,910
"but I'm sure there's a flight attendant
back there that does, so...
687
00:35:25,999 --> 00:35:30,044
"So, I've got about three hours
to work with here, and, uh...
688
00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:32,421
"If you need help,
I'm fresh, so just send me
689
00:35:32,422 --> 00:35:35,257
and I'll sit on the volcano and..."
690
00:35:38,511 --> 00:35:39,762
The one straight guy's like...
691
00:35:39,763 --> 00:35:41,597
"I don't know what he's talking about."
692
00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,267
We were delayed seven and a half hours.
693
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:46,894
Seven and a half hours.
694
00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:48,646
I know, and-- and I was
the only American there.
695
00:35:48,647 --> 00:35:50,773
Everybody else was Mexican.
And I was kind of fascinated,
696
00:35:50,774 --> 00:35:53,817
because they had lined up
like a mini little army.
697
00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:55,611
It was two-by-two in wheelchairs.
698
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:58,572
All these gra-- all these abuelas
in these wheelchairs,
699
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,783
just 16 Cocos, just...
700
00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:07,706
♪ Remember me ♪
701
00:36:07,707 --> 00:36:10,834
And I was watching them.
No cell phone, no iPhone, nothing.
702
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:13,045
Seven and a half hours,
they're just like...
703
00:36:25,725 --> 00:36:27,351
We're just waiting,
we're waiting for the pilot
704
00:36:27,352 --> 00:36:29,687
to come out and tell us,
are we gonna go, are we not gonna go?
705
00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:31,980
You know, finally,
after seven and a half hours,
706
00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:35,275
the pilot emerges, this tiny little man
who's so dramatic.
707
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:36,694
He could have just told us right there,
708
00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:38,445
but he had to make
this big walk to the podium.
709
00:36:38,446 --> 00:36:42,074
So, he comes up, he gets to the speaker,
and he goes,
710
00:36:42,075 --> 00:36:43,535
"Hey.
711
00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:49,123
Okay, everyone. Vamos."
712
00:36:54,003 --> 00:36:55,254
That means, "Let's go."
713
00:36:55,255 --> 00:36:58,924
So, we get on the plane, everyone's happy.
♪ Remember me ♪
714
00:36:58,925 --> 00:37:01,301
And, um, now we're sitting
on the plane.
715
00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:02,845
We're sitting on the plane
for, like, an hour.
716
00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:04,221
So now, it's like, if you fly a lot,
717
00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:05,806
you know, you're like,
something's wrong.
718
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:08,100
So, we're waiting,
we're waiting, we're waiting.
719
00:37:08,101 --> 00:37:10,728
They get on the announcement,
"This flight is canceled."
720
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:12,271
I know.
721
00:37:12,272 --> 00:37:14,732
Now, usually, when your flight
is canceled,
722
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:18,902
Delta, United, whatever,
even Spirit, they will email you
723
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:22,072
and they will say to you,
"Here is your new boarding pass.
724
00:37:22,073 --> 00:37:24,533
This is your new flight time.
We will see..."
725
00:37:24,534 --> 00:37:27,494
This is the most Mexican shit
that's ever happened to me.
726
00:37:27,495 --> 00:37:30,873
You cannot make this up.
Before they let us get off the plane,
727
00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:33,709
the pilot gets back on the announcement
and he goes...
728
00:37:33,710 --> 00:37:35,753
"Uh...
729
00:37:38,006 --> 00:37:39,716
"Okay, everyone.
730
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,052
"Eh...
731
00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:47,474
"I'm just going
to leave the plane here.
732
00:37:49,893 --> 00:37:51,393
"So...
733
00:37:55,565 --> 00:37:57,775
"Just come back tomorrow morning.
734
00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:10,413
And we'll go."
735
00:38:11,831 --> 00:38:14,249
It's...
736
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:17,461
Is my Uncle Mike flying the plane?
737
00:38:17,462 --> 00:38:19,046
And it was funny, we came--
They literally--
738
00:38:19,047 --> 00:38:21,340
We just brought our old boarding pass
all crinkled up next morning,
739
00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,716
like, "Yeah, yeah, Air Mexico."
740
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:25,844
And it was so funny, everyone--
same people, same outfits.
741
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:28,347
It was like you were at a resort.
You're like, "Hi," you know, um...
742
00:38:28,348 --> 00:38:30,891
Anyways, off to Mexico we went.
743
00:38:30,892 --> 00:38:34,061
And I got to say, if you have not
been to Mexico City, go.
744
00:38:34,062 --> 00:38:36,396
It is the most incredible city
on the face of the planet.
745
00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:38,816
Go. The people are unbelievable.
746
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:39,900
It's so beaut--
747
00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:42,653
And, you know, growing up
with an Italian cultural background,
748
00:38:42,654 --> 00:38:44,905
I didn't realize how similar
Italians and Mexicans were.
749
00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:47,825
I mean, big families, great food,
Catholicism...
750
00:38:47,826 --> 00:38:49,827
...drama.
You know, it's...
751
00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:51,870
My husband
would say he's not dramatic,
752
00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:53,497
but one time,
we were walking up the stairs
753
00:38:53,498 --> 00:38:55,624
and he had like a couple drinks earlier,
so he was wobbling.
754
00:38:55,625 --> 00:38:57,376
I was like, "Oh, my God,
Rodrigo, don't fall."
755
00:38:57,377 --> 00:38:59,253
And he goes, "I will never fall."
756
00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:04,591
It's like, okay, Puss in Boots, so...
757
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:11,014
At this point, I think I just married him
'cause he doesn't snore.
758
00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:14,184
That's all it takes.
That's all. I'm 38.
759
00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:16,854
You don't-- Clap if you have
a partner that snores.
760
00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:26,738
People that snore are selfish.
761
00:39:28,575 --> 00:39:31,827
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
762
00:39:31,828 --> 00:39:35,789
Just 12 hours of...
763
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:38,333
Choking on a thousand
goddamn dicks.
764
00:39:38,334 --> 00:39:40,502
I mean, what is wrong with you?
765
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:42,838
And no one, no one wakes up
more refreshed in the morning
766
00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,174
than someone that hasn't
breathed the entire night.
767
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:49,094
Their lungs have collapsed,
their neck is blue, they wake up.
768
00:39:49,095 --> 00:39:51,471
♪ Good mornin' ♪
769
00:39:57,729 --> 00:39:59,354
And when you sleep
next to someone that snores,
770
00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:01,023
there's one thing
and one thing only you can do.
771
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:04,568
You have to hit them.
You hit them, and then they go...
772
00:40:10,700 --> 00:40:16,413
And now, you've got 30 to 50 seconds
to try and get to sleep.
773
00:40:23,171 --> 00:40:26,173
So, he doesn't snore, but he does
do something really strange.
774
00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:29,259
And it's two things.
He talks in his sleep.
775
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:32,388
But every time, without fail,
he's always laughing.
776
00:40:33,389 --> 00:40:35,057
The talking's fine.
I mean, that's kind of cute.
777
00:40:35,058 --> 00:40:36,975
Someone's talking in their sleep,
it's like...
778
00:40:36,976 --> 00:40:38,894
You're like, "Oh, that's so cute.
They're dreaming."
779
00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:40,228
It's the laughter.
780
00:40:42,482 --> 00:40:46,526
It's midnight.
The room is dark.
781
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:51,783
And out of nowhere...
782
00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:56,828
"Ha ha ha!
No, no. I want the big one."
783
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:14,429
When it's in English, it's fine,
you know, I understand what's going on.
784
00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:16,682
But he's bilingual,
so sometimes it's Spanish.
785
00:41:16,683 --> 00:41:19,351
And when he speaks Spanish,
his voice drops a whole octave.
786
00:41:19,352 --> 00:41:22,688
So now, it's this demonic presence
next to me, just...
787
00:41:36,703 --> 00:41:38,412
Is it still the big one?
788
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:47,254
One-- one time-- look how quiet it got.
789
00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:49,423
Once-- one time he was, uh--
790
00:41:49,424 --> 00:41:51,384
Sometimes I fuck with him
when he sleeps, and, uh...
791
00:41:52,802 --> 00:41:55,971
He was sleeping and he was talking,
and he goes, um, he's like...
792
00:41:55,972 --> 00:41:57,639
"Yeah, three."
793
00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,394
And I was like, "What's three?"
794
00:42:02,395 --> 00:42:06,023
And he goes,
"Three is bigger than two."
795
00:42:11,195 --> 00:42:13,989
Okay, Mariah Carey, so...
796
00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:21,371
I love Mariah Carey, I think
she's the best singer in the world.
797
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:23,498
She writes all of her own music.
I can't get enough of her.
798
00:42:23,499 --> 00:42:25,584
I've seen her live 12 times, and, uh...
799
00:42:25,585 --> 00:42:28,712
I know, we shouldn't be called lambs.
We should be called enablers, um...
800
00:42:30,256 --> 00:42:32,466
My one issue with Mariah,
she's always late.
801
00:42:32,467 --> 00:42:34,509
That's the problem. She is always late.
802
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,136
I went to go see her
Christmas show last year
803
00:42:36,137 --> 00:42:39,181
at Madison Square Garden,
and she was two hours late.
804
00:42:39,182 --> 00:42:41,058
Two hours.
Not even like an hour 40.
805
00:42:41,059 --> 00:42:42,976
Not even an hour fif--
two hours on the dot.
806
00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:44,770
And there was like
30,000 people there.
807
00:42:44,771 --> 00:42:45,854
So, we're all waiting.
808
00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:47,647
Actually, at one point it got quiet,
809
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,442
and you hear this gay guy yell,
"Your hair looks fine!"
810
00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:02,913
He was dressed like an
elf on a shelf, and, uh...
811
00:43:02,914 --> 00:43:05,832
She always has the same opener.
812
00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:07,459
She has this DJ.
813
00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:10,087
This DJ comes out
and he asks us a question.
814
00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:13,048
We always say "Whoo!"
Or if you're French, "Yes," and...
815
00:43:13,049 --> 00:43:15,467
Then he plays 30 seconds of a song.
816
00:43:15,468 --> 00:43:16,968
You know, it's fun, right?
So, he's like,
817
00:43:16,969 --> 00:43:18,720
"Where are my '80s babies at?"
We're like, "Whoo!"
818
00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:21,306
He's like, "Who loves Whitney Houston?"
We're like, "We do!"
819
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:23,100
♪ I want to dance with ♪
820
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:25,727
"Mariah's coming out in 15 minutes."
821
00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:28,355
Two hours later...
822
00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:30,232
This man has played every song he owns.
823
00:43:30,233 --> 00:43:31,399
There's literally nothing--
824
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:35,028
He's gone through iTunes, Spotify,
Apple Music, he's downloading LimeWire.
825
00:43:35,029 --> 00:43:37,405
I mean, the man has run out.
826
00:43:37,406 --> 00:43:40,117
You can tell he's running out of music
when he's like, "Uh... uh...
827
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,452
Who loves Bach?"
Like it was just so...
828
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:46,581
So, finally, you know,
Mariah comes out, right?
829
00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:48,667
And it's so dramatic,
she comes out from the ceiling.
830
00:43:48,668 --> 00:43:50,210
Like, I thought we were at Wicked.
831
00:43:50,211 --> 00:43:52,420
Like, I just...
I thought it was Glinda.
832
00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,840
♪ Let us be glad ♪
833
00:43:54,841 --> 00:43:56,800
Except she could not do that.
And, uh...
834
00:43:56,801 --> 00:44:00,303
Oh, she lip-synced for her life, and I...
835
00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:04,933
It was the most expensive
drag show I've ever been to.
836
00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:11,690
I'm kidding, Mariah does not lip sync.
I really mean that.
837
00:44:11,691 --> 00:44:15,527
She's a phenomenal singer.
I went to-- okay, this is an insane story.
838
00:44:15,528 --> 00:44:17,904
And I have to say this legally,
because her lawyers are crazy.
839
00:44:17,905 --> 00:44:20,699
This is a true story.
2016, I went to go see
840
00:44:20,700 --> 00:44:23,285
her Christmas concert at
the Beacon Theater in New York City,
841
00:44:23,286 --> 00:44:26,329
twice in a week, and, uh, I went--
oh, that isn't embarrassing.
842
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:28,498
I went the first time
'cause I bought myself tickets.
843
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,458
I went the second time
'cause my friends bought me tickets,
844
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:32,919
so of course I wanted to go.
So, I go the first time.
845
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,629
She wasn't even late.
Forty-five minutes late.
846
00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:36,965
She was right on time.
847
00:44:36,966 --> 00:44:39,176
And the show was phenomenal.
I mean, the voice is phenomenal.
848
00:44:39,177 --> 00:44:42,095
She looks amazing, I mean, it was just
an incredible concert, right?
849
00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:44,556
So, I go the next night,
and I bring my best friend Evan,
850
00:44:44,557 --> 00:44:46,474
who's straight
and a recovering coke addict.
851
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:48,143
This does come into play. So...
852
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:53,523
Now, we're sitting in the second row.
Okay, we've got great seats.
853
00:44:53,524 --> 00:44:55,775
So, she's doing the whole concert,
la-la-la, this and that.
854
00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:58,195
You know she's singing great.
And at one point, she goes,
855
00:44:58,196 --> 00:45:00,155
"I'm gonna bring out a special guest."
856
00:45:00,156 --> 00:45:02,532
And 'cause I went the night before,
I'm like, "Oh, she doesn't know
857
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:05,327
that I know, and they don't know
that I know it's John Legend."
858
00:45:05,328 --> 00:45:07,495
So, keep in mind this is 2016.
859
00:45:07,496 --> 00:45:10,165
She goes, "This next person
coming to the stage,
860
00:45:10,166 --> 00:45:12,250
"they're such a dear,
dear friend of mine.
861
00:45:12,251 --> 00:45:14,085
"They're such a talented songwriter.
862
00:45:14,086 --> 00:45:17,130
Please, welcome to the stage,
R. Kelly."
863
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:21,593
I turned to Evan and I said,
"Are we in the splash zone?"
864
00:45:25,473 --> 00:45:28,391
First of all, these two don't even belong
on the same stage together.
865
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:31,937
Mariah is 45
in a quinceañera dress, and...
866
00:45:33,898 --> 00:45:35,607
You know what I'm talking about.
867
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:41,071
And R. Kelly is dressed up like
Jada Pinkett Smith in The Matrix.
868
00:45:41,072 --> 00:45:43,114
I don't even know
what's happening anymore.
869
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:44,950
And then, the song
they're singing with each other is...
870
00:45:44,951 --> 00:45:48,411
♪ Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire ♪
871
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,413
And the gays next to us
are doing cocaine.
872
00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:52,165
Now...
873
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:53,708
Gays, here's the thing.
874
00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:56,002
Doing cocaine at a normal
Mariah concert is humili--
875
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:57,420
No one's doing cocaine to Dreamlover.
876
00:45:57,421 --> 00:46:00,632
But at a Christmas concert,
I mean, she's literally like...
877
00:46:00,633 --> 00:46:02,842
♪ Christmas time ♪
878
00:46:02,843 --> 00:46:04,511
Just...
879
00:46:04,512 --> 00:46:06,388
You know those gays left their house,
they're like...
880
00:46:06,389 --> 00:46:09,599
♪ I'm dreaming ♪
881
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:13,354
♪ Of a white Christmas ♪
882
00:46:15,356 --> 00:46:17,357
I turned to my friend Evan and I said,
"Don't you dare relapse
883
00:46:17,358 --> 00:46:19,025
at a Mariah Carey Christmas concert!"
884
00:46:22,446 --> 00:46:26,199
Can you imagine him, 16 years sober,
walking into AA, throwing his chip down,
885
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,993
they're like, "Oh, my God, Evan.
What happened?"
886
00:46:27,994 --> 00:46:29,703
"Mariah."
887
00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:31,162
You know, just...
888
00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:32,290
Same.
889
00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:35,500
I love Mariah, I mean, when you--
those kinds of--
890
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:37,127
those divas, you know what I mean?
891
00:46:37,128 --> 00:46:38,837
Just something happens
to them after a while,
892
00:46:38,838 --> 00:46:40,839
they become deities,
and, you know, because--
893
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:42,173
Oh, this is an insane story.
894
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,426
So, I was performing
in Vegas last year,
895
00:46:44,427 --> 00:46:46,594
and I don't like performing in Vegas.
896
00:46:46,595 --> 00:46:48,430
I don't like casinos, I don't like Vegas.
897
00:46:48,431 --> 00:46:51,099
But when you perform
at a casino, the promoters,
898
00:46:51,100 --> 00:46:52,851
they always try and, like,
sweeten the deal.
899
00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:54,311
They wanna compete
with the other casinos,
900
00:46:54,312 --> 00:46:55,854
make sure that you always
come back to them.
901
00:46:55,855 --> 00:46:57,856
So, when I get there--
I guess 'cause I'm gay,
902
00:46:57,857 --> 00:46:59,816
their deal for me,
I get there, they're like,
903
00:46:59,817 --> 00:47:03,862
"Matteo, welcome to Vegas.
We're so excited to have you.
904
00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:06,323
"As a special treat,
we got you free tickets
905
00:47:06,324 --> 00:47:08,867
to see Katy Perry
in concert tonight."
906
00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:10,952
And I was like, "That's okay," um...
907
00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:18,209
I don't mind Katy Perry, I just--
I was in, you know, I'm in Vegas.
908
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:20,587
I had other things to do, and they're
like, "Well, there's a meet-and-greet."
909
00:47:20,588 --> 00:47:22,005
I was like, "What time?"
You know, so...
910
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:24,090
I go-- oh, and I brought
my best friend Evan
911
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:25,633
from the Mariah Carey
Christmas concert.
912
00:47:25,634 --> 00:47:28,470
So, I go, and we go to this,
like, Katy Perry basement,
913
00:47:28,471 --> 00:47:30,221
you know, and it's all
decorated and stuff.
914
00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:32,265
And her manager grabbed us,
I felt very important.
915
00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,184
He brings me right up to Katy,
who looks great,
916
00:47:34,185 --> 00:47:36,770
and he was like,
"Uh, Katy, this is Matteo Lane.
917
00:47:36,771 --> 00:47:38,772
"He's a comedian.
He's performing in Vegas.
918
00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:40,273
Matteo, this is Katy Perry."
919
00:47:40,274 --> 00:47:42,484
And she goes,
"Oh! A comedian."
920
00:47:42,485 --> 00:47:44,235
I go, "Hey."
She goes...
921
00:47:44,236 --> 00:47:46,488
"A gay comedian."
922
00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:56,623
I was like, "Yeah."
I was like, "This is my friend Evan.
923
00:47:56,624 --> 00:47:58,291
He's opening for me."
She goes...
924
00:47:58,292 --> 00:48:00,960
"Another gay."
And he goes, "Oh, I'm not gay."
925
00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:02,796
She goes... "Right."
926
00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:13,807
I have it on video.
I should post that.
927
00:48:13,808 --> 00:48:16,267
Yeah!
928
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:18,728
We left early, that--
we were really hungry, um...
929
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:20,939
Well, she's dancing with, like,
930
00:48:20,940 --> 00:48:24,275
giant hot dogs and hamburgers.
I'm like, "I am starving," you know.
931
00:48:26,237 --> 00:48:28,321
She does seem like
she has a good sense of humor.
932
00:48:28,322 --> 00:48:30,323
I mean, there must be
somebody in her life
933
00:48:30,324 --> 00:48:32,659
still sort of pulling her
down to earth, because--
934
00:48:32,660 --> 00:48:35,495
I think all your friends should be
making fun of you at all times.
935
00:48:35,496 --> 00:48:37,372
Everyone need-- like, they should.
936
00:48:37,373 --> 00:48:39,874
My group of friends,
my crew is way too mean.
937
00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:42,127
This is a hideous story.
This is how bad we are.
938
00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:43,711
One time, my friend--
this is so horrible.
939
00:48:43,712 --> 00:48:46,381
One time, my friend Patty
was arrested for punching a cop.
940
00:48:46,382 --> 00:48:48,091
And, uh...
941
00:48:48,092 --> 00:48:52,011
What's funny is Patty is 5'4"
with long red hair, and we had the video.
942
00:48:52,012 --> 00:48:54,139
So, just like, this gay leprechaun
was running
943
00:48:54,140 --> 00:48:57,308
after this police officer
sounding like Miss Piggy, like,
944
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:58,935
"Hiya!"
You know, so...
945
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,858
Of course, he gets arrested, you know?
946
00:49:04,859 --> 00:49:07,444
So, Bob and I had to go downtown
and bail him out.
947
00:49:07,445 --> 00:49:09,487
And this is so mean,
but we made sure
948
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:12,115
when we brought him back home,
that the second he opened the door,
949
00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:14,868
we had the Cell Block Tango
from the musical Chicago playing.
950
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:19,038
He opens the door.
"Pop! Shit! Cicero!"
951
00:49:19,039 --> 00:49:21,207
♪ He had it coming, he only-- ♪
952
00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:28,006
And even Patty had a good sense
of humor about it.
953
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:29,883
We were like, "Oh, my God,
Patty, what was jail like?"
954
00:49:29,884 --> 00:49:32,719
He was like, "Honestly, I douched earlier
'cause I thought I was going on a date.
955
00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,263
And I looked around and I thought,
this might be the full fantasy."
956
00:49:43,939 --> 00:49:47,025
My friends and I, we don't go out.
We're not a going-out group.
957
00:49:47,026 --> 00:49:48,776
I mean, no one drinks
and no one does drugs.
958
00:49:48,777 --> 00:49:51,738
We just kind of hang out at home,
watch YouTube, play Fortnite.
959
00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:53,656
So, it's very rare
when we decide to go out.
960
00:49:53,657 --> 00:49:55,742
And one time, my friend Patty,
for his birthday,
961
00:49:55,743 --> 00:49:58,369
he's like, "We're going to this club
and everyone's coming with!"
962
00:49:58,370 --> 00:50:00,205
So, we go.
I usually dress something--
963
00:50:00,206 --> 00:50:02,499
I'm like-- like always
a deli worker or something, and...
964
00:50:02,500 --> 00:50:04,292
I brought my friend Nick.
965
00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:06,294
I'm sure you guys know Nick.
And Nick looked like...
966
00:50:08,130 --> 00:50:11,758
I was with a 6'4" haunted
Victorian doll, and...
967
00:50:13,177 --> 00:50:15,678
He's always dressed
like a Chinese vase, and, uh...
968
00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:19,557
So, you know, we're on the dance floor
969
00:50:19,558 --> 00:50:22,435
and we're trying to dance and stuff,
but everyone's head is around here.
970
00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:25,563
Nick is, you know, way up there.
And, uh, and, you know, Nick is so tall.
971
00:50:25,564 --> 00:50:27,315
He's not used to seeing
taller people than him.
972
00:50:27,316 --> 00:50:31,194
And so, this one guy who was so tall,
he was taller than Nick, walked by.
973
00:50:31,195 --> 00:50:33,029
And I just see Nick's face do that.
974
00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,531
And I go, "Nick, what's that about?"
975
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:37,700
He goes, "Who the fuck
let Frankenstein in here?"
976
00:50:44,208 --> 00:50:47,502
That same night-- so, we were sitting down
because we're in our 30s,
977
00:50:47,503 --> 00:50:51,965
and, uh, that same night, you know,
they had all these Go-Go bo-- and I love--
978
00:50:51,966 --> 00:50:53,550
There's nothing better to me
than a Go-Go boy.
979
00:50:53,551 --> 00:50:55,051
So, they had all these Go-Go boys, right?
980
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:57,679
Now, in New York,
it is illegal to get naked, okay?
981
00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,430
You have to have something
covering something.
982
00:50:59,431 --> 00:51:01,349
So, this Go-Go boy gets on the table
983
00:51:01,350 --> 00:51:04,185
and then just starts
getting completely naked.
984
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:06,729
But he was still wearing
his socks with Birkenstocks.
985
00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:12,235
So, the gayest thing
about this entire situation
986
00:51:12,236 --> 00:51:13,820
wasn't the fact that his hole was out.
987
00:51:13,821 --> 00:51:15,697
It was that the other gays
around him were like,
988
00:51:15,698 --> 00:51:17,782
"Look at those fucking shoes!"
989
00:51:26,584 --> 00:51:28,918
But this is really special.
I mean, I know it's a special,
990
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,044
but this is special for me.
991
00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:33,506
I've been doing standup
for 16 years, and it's...
992
00:51:33,507 --> 00:51:36,759
Yeah. It's a long time.
993
00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:42,348
It's-- it's funny because, you know,
994
00:51:42,349 --> 00:51:44,726
people always ask me,
like in interviews and stuff, like,
995
00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:46,311
"Oh, so how do you
get started in standup?"
996
00:51:46,312 --> 00:51:48,813
And I guess it's a pretty fair question,
'cause it--
997
00:51:48,814 --> 00:51:51,149
this is-- everything about this
is strange, you know?
998
00:51:51,150 --> 00:51:54,027
And it's not like you just write something
and then one day you're on stage.
999
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,529
You know, it's just years and years
of being at open mics
1000
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:58,948
which, if you don't know what
an open mic is, you're in a basement
1001
00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:01,451
with 60 other wannabe comics,
you put your name in a bucket.
1002
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:03,161
After you wait two hours,
you get to go up.
1003
00:52:03,162 --> 00:52:04,912
You could do two minutes.
You have to do that every night
1004
00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:07,165
for years and years.
Then eventually, you work your way up
1005
00:52:07,166 --> 00:52:10,793
to something called bar shows,
which for us as comics, oh, glamorous.
1006
00:52:10,794 --> 00:52:13,713
"I have a-- I have a show.
I have a bar show."
1007
00:52:13,714 --> 00:52:15,923
But a bar show just means people
are at a bar having a good time,
1008
00:52:15,924 --> 00:52:17,425
and then we ruin it, um...
1009
00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:23,348
The thing is, you know, I'm gay,
and it's like...
1010
00:52:23,349 --> 00:52:25,892
I had to come out every single night.
That's a weird thing.
1011
00:52:25,893 --> 00:52:27,560
You have to come out
every single night.
1012
00:52:27,561 --> 00:52:29,479
And it was just trying to find
new ways of coming out,
1013
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,522
and make it funny, and coming out
over and over again.
1014
00:52:31,523 --> 00:52:34,150
You would think I don't have to say it.
I look gay, I sound gay.
1015
00:52:34,151 --> 00:52:36,527
But if you don't bring it up,
you can feel the tension in the room.
1016
00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:38,655
They're like, "Is he German?"
Like, it's just so...
1017
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,826
I was so sick of coming up with jokes
that I would just walk on stage
1018
00:52:43,827 --> 00:52:45,703
and say, "Thanks so much,
I'm obviously gay,"
1019
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:49,123
and just sort of move it along.
So, my career's going very well now,
1020
00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:51,668
but it wasn't going so well
about four years ago
1021
00:52:51,669 --> 00:52:56,089
'cause I-- this is-- this is sort of where
I was four years ago career-wise, guys.
1022
00:52:56,090 --> 00:53:00,093
I remember it was April of 2021,
and my agent called,
1023
00:53:00,094 --> 00:53:01,886
and the pandemic
had just started slowing down,
1024
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,596
so they were reopening comedy clubs.
1025
00:53:03,597 --> 00:53:05,431
And my agent called and he goes,
1026
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:09,394
"Hey, Matteo, uh, they're reopening
a comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona,
1027
00:53:09,395 --> 00:53:13,690
and they have to retrain the staff.
They just need anybody on stage."
1028
00:53:13,691 --> 00:53:16,901
I was like, "I'll be there!"
1029
00:53:16,902 --> 00:53:19,153
So... so, I get there.
1030
00:53:19,154 --> 00:53:22,407
And now, keep in mind,
I do this every single night
1031
00:53:22,408 --> 00:53:25,702
and so not doing it for a year, I mean,
I was like, I don't even know what to say.
1032
00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,620
Like all my notes said
was "Liza Minnelli."
1033
00:53:27,621 --> 00:53:30,331
I had nowhere to go.
1034
00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:32,041
I could do an hour of Liza Minnelli jokes.
1035
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:34,335
Anyway, so all I had
was my opening joke.
1036
00:53:34,336 --> 00:53:35,878
"Thanks so much.
I'm obviously gay," right?
1037
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,297
So, I'm backstage,
and I hear the host call my name.
1038
00:53:38,298 --> 00:53:41,426
He's like, "Welcome to the stage,
Matteo Lane."
1039
00:53:41,427 --> 00:53:44,178
So, I walk out, I'm like,
"Hi, thanks so much. I'm obviously gay."
1040
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:47,348
And a man in the front row
looks up and goes, "What?"
1041
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:53,104
And I was so not cool about it.
1042
00:53:53,105 --> 00:53:55,815
Like, I was so rusty
that I didn't have a quick comeback.
1043
00:53:55,816 --> 00:53:59,986
And I just go, "Oh, um...
you don't like gays?"
1044
00:54:01,989 --> 00:54:03,823
And he goes, "No."
1045
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:09,454
And he was with his wife, and usually
women are a little nicer to gays.
1046
00:54:09,455 --> 00:54:12,915
So I go, "Do you like gays?"
And she goes...
1047
00:54:17,963 --> 00:54:21,925
It's like, "Okay, well...
I can't leave."
1048
00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:32,852
But I said, "If you don't want
to stay, you can go."
1049
00:54:32,853 --> 00:54:34,771
And they did, they got up
and they just walked right out.
1050
00:54:34,772 --> 00:54:36,397
But there was one gay
in the audience.
1051
00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:38,649
God bless this gay man.
1052
00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:41,694
He was sitting in the aisle,
and as they were walking out,
1053
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:44,155
I could see him, like, gain--
you know gays, when we get the strength.
1054
00:54:44,156 --> 00:54:46,115
So...
1055
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:48,534
They were getting closer,
and the second they pass him,
1056
00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:52,538
he just goes, "And stay out!"
1057
00:54:56,710 --> 00:54:58,711
Thank you so much, Los Angeles.
1058
00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:01,297
This is amazing. Thank you.
1059
00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:03,342
Thank you. Thank you.
1060
00:55:06,970 --> 00:55:09,305
Thank you.
1061
00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:11,558
Thank you so much for coming.
1062
00:55:13,101 --> 00:55:14,185
Goodnight.
1063
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,613
He's back, he's back.
1064
00:55:25,614 --> 00:55:29,075
Okay. Whoo!
Alright, what did I miss?
1065
00:55:29,076 --> 00:55:30,535
- I'm winning.
- Oh, she's getting better.
1066
00:55:30,536 --> 00:55:33,204
Oh, she's getting way better,
okay, so just give it a shot.
1067
00:55:45,259 --> 00:55:46,884
Alright, I'm supposed to do pick-ups.
1068
00:55:46,885 --> 00:55:49,971
So, where's my--
where's my director Jared?
1069
00:55:49,972 --> 00:55:51,889
Okay, so let's go ahead
1070
00:55:51,890 --> 00:55:55,142
and pick up, uh, the transition
from New Zealand to Uber,
1071
00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:57,979
uh, then wanna get a little bit
more lead in on that.
1072
00:55:57,980 --> 00:55:59,939
So, when you say,
"I travel so much for this job
1073
00:55:59,940 --> 00:56:03,442
and I'm in Ubers all the time," and then
just go into the first Uber joke.
1074
00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:06,405
Wait, what?
1075
00:56:07,990 --> 00:56:10,658
I didn't even know that
that was the transition, okay.
1076
00:56:10,659 --> 00:56:12,827
I just want to get the bridge
between New Zealand--
1077
00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:14,412
the New Zealand bit and...
1078
00:56:14,413 --> 00:56:15,830
- Okay.
- ...and get to the Uber bit.
1079
00:56:15,831 --> 00:56:17,623
Okay, so I'll just finish
the New Zealand bit
1080
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:19,667
- and then get into Uber.
- That's exactly it.
1081
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,964
New Zealand's gonna hate me, okay.
1082
00:56:24,965 --> 00:56:26,048
Okay, alright.
1083
00:56:26,049 --> 00:56:28,259
Uh,
"You go there and you go there.
1084
00:56:28,260 --> 00:56:32,221
Problem solved!"
Like, psycho. My God.
1085
00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:35,600
I don't even remember how I get
into the next joke, Jared, I'm so sorry.
1086
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:40,646
I don't remember.
1087
00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:45,776
I swear to you,
I don't remember, Jared.
1088
00:56:47,446 --> 00:56:49,864
I'm so humiliated.
Can we have more fog?
1089
00:56:49,865 --> 00:56:51,282
Okay, so...