1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:13,738 --> 00:00:16,438 -[cheers, applause] -[upbeat electronic music playing] 4 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:24,405 [band plays "Ironside (Excerpt)"] 5 00:00:24,471 --> 00:00:25,738 Hey, this is Redban coming live 6 00:00:25,805 --> 00:00:29,238 from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas 7 00:00:29,305 --> 00:00:31,238 for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. 8 00:00:31,305 --> 00:00:34,938 -Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! -[cheers, applause] 9 00:00:35,005 --> 00:00:36,738 [awe-inspiring rock music playing] 10 00:00:42,505 --> 00:00:45,605 [Tony] Who's waiting for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? 11 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,005 [cheers] 12 00:00:51,305 --> 00:00:52,505 [music ending] 13 00:00:52,571 --> 00:00:53,938 [Tony] Yippee! 14 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,638 Yeah! 15 00:00:56,705 --> 00:00:58,938 Make some noise for Redban, everybody! 16 00:00:59,005 --> 00:01:00,471 Hey! 17 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:03,505 Oh, my goodness. 18 00:01:03,571 --> 00:01:06,438 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? 19 00:01:06,505 --> 00:01:09,138 -[cheers, applause] -Fernando Castillo. 20 00:01:09,205 --> 00:01:10,271 Raul Vallejo. 21 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,171 Carlos Sosa on the horns. 22 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:14,938 That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. 23 00:01:15,871 --> 00:01:18,505 Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. 24 00:01:18,571 --> 00:01:21,638 The leader of the band John B's on the Keys. 25 00:01:22,271 --> 00:01:26,038 And that is indeed the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar, 26 00:01:26,105 --> 00:01:27,471 ladies and gentlemen. 27 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,771 Oh, my goodness. 28 00:01:32,071 --> 00:01:33,338 You know, Redban, 29 00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:36,405 you and I have been doing this show for 12 years. 30 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:41,838 We've never missed a Monday release ever, ever, ever. 31 00:01:41,905 --> 00:01:44,071 During the pandemic, during everything. 32 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,405 We've helped people launch their careers. 33 00:01:46,471 --> 00:01:48,671 We've had a blast the entire time. 34 00:01:48,738 --> 00:01:50,071 [cheers, applause] 35 00:01:50,138 --> 00:01:53,271 Right now, there are hundreds and hundreds, 36 00:01:53,338 --> 00:01:57,738 three hundred-plus comedians next door in a dilapidated bar 37 00:01:57,805 --> 00:02:02,571 waiting, hoping that they get pulled out of this bucket. 38 00:02:02,638 --> 00:02:06,905 And what they don't know, and what none of you know, 39 00:02:06,971 --> 00:02:10,238 is this episode will be on… 40 00:02:10,305 --> 00:02:11,771 -[Netflix intro plays] -[Tony scoffs] 41 00:02:11,838 --> 00:02:13,438 -[cheers, applause] -[Tony] Right on cue. 42 00:02:17,005 --> 00:02:18,371 Netflix. 43 00:02:20,205 --> 00:02:22,338 Oh, my goodness. 44 00:02:22,405 --> 00:02:25,271 An epic moment 45 00:02:25,338 --> 00:02:28,771 in our long crazy history. 46 00:02:28,838 --> 00:02:31,771 Seven hundred plus episodes, 47 00:02:31,838 --> 00:02:35,538 tens of thousands of bucket pulls, 48 00:02:35,605 --> 00:02:37,605 and it's all come down to this. 49 00:02:38,505 --> 00:02:39,938 The American Dream. 50 00:02:40,771 --> 00:02:45,571 We watched comedians fail or succeed every single week. 51 00:02:45,638 --> 00:02:48,305 And now this episode will be on 52 00:02:48,371 --> 00:02:53,505 the universe's largest global streaming service on planet Earth. 53 00:02:53,571 --> 00:02:55,771 [cheers, applause] 54 00:02:58,238 --> 00:02:59,505 [Tony] Every single week, 55 00:02:59,571 --> 00:03:03,138 I book some of the funniest or most intelligent guests 56 00:03:03,205 --> 00:03:07,238 to sit here with us and watch people advance, 57 00:03:07,305 --> 00:03:10,071 or make it or break it as standup comedians. 58 00:03:10,138 --> 00:03:12,171 This week, no different. 59 00:03:12,238 --> 00:03:15,671 Who better to have as guests here in Austin, Texas 60 00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,805 than two Austin residents? 61 00:03:17,871 --> 00:03:24,038 Two icons, two of the most influential men in all of the world. 62 00:03:24,105 --> 00:03:26,871 I present to you tonight's guests. 63 00:03:26,938 --> 00:03:29,638 -Joe Rogan and Elon Musk. -[cheers, applause] 64 00:03:29,705 --> 00:03:31,038 [upbeat music playing] 65 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:34,305 [Tony laughs] Oh, my God. 66 00:03:35,705 --> 00:03:37,305 Oh, yeah. 67 00:03:38,005 --> 00:03:39,438 Elon Musk! 68 00:03:44,505 --> 00:03:45,705 Joe Rogan! 69 00:03:46,438 --> 00:03:47,438 Tony! 70 00:03:48,338 --> 00:03:50,205 Ah, Tony's back! 71 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:53,338 [loud laugh] So cool. So cool. 72 00:03:54,038 --> 00:03:55,138 [loud laugh] 73 00:03:55,205 --> 00:03:59,005 Oh, Netflix. So cool. So excited. 74 00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:00,705 Really. So excited, Tony. 75 00:04:00,771 --> 00:04:02,305 [laughter] 76 00:04:02,371 --> 00:04:07,005 So it might be the dick load of ketamine I just had, but I'm really excited. 77 00:04:08,205 --> 00:04:09,571 Comedy is back, you know. 78 00:04:10,371 --> 00:04:12,071 -It is… -The left, you know, 79 00:04:12,138 --> 00:04:14,071 they tried to make it illegal. 80 00:04:14,138 --> 00:04:16,638 -So uncool. Right. -[laughter] 81 00:04:17,538 --> 00:04:19,138 -Tony… -Comedy is back. 82 00:04:19,205 --> 00:04:22,404 -Elon, we're so happy to have you here. -Comedy is back at Kill Tony. 83 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,671 Yeah. Really cool. 84 00:04:24,705 --> 00:04:28,471 For the first time ever, Elon Musk is here, everyone. 85 00:04:28,538 --> 00:04:29,571 Yeah. 86 00:04:29,638 --> 00:04:32,338 -Yeah! Yeah. -[cheers, applause] 87 00:04:35,438 --> 00:04:36,738 Yeah. 88 00:04:36,805 --> 00:04:41,505 I'm, like, really uncomfortable with my own skin, so I move around a lot. 89 00:04:41,571 --> 00:04:44,138 I apologize. I want to crawl out of it like a snake. 90 00:04:44,205 --> 00:04:48,338 [laughing loudly] 91 00:04:48,405 --> 00:04:49,571 [laughter] 92 00:04:49,638 --> 00:04:53,405 My best friend, Joe Rogan. He thinks I'm so funny, though. 93 00:04:53,471 --> 00:04:55,371 Really, you watch the show. 94 00:04:55,438 --> 00:04:59,405 He, like… He laughs so hard, like, he sometimes doesn't make a sound. 95 00:04:59,471 --> 00:05:02,538 He's just like, "Oh, my God. So funny." So… 96 00:05:02,605 --> 00:05:05,205 -[laughter] -Yeah, really excited. 97 00:05:05,871 --> 00:05:08,505 By the way, I'm have, like, maybe 20 minutes of a personality. 98 00:05:08,571 --> 00:05:10,971 Then I'm going to hit, like, a serious K hole. 99 00:05:11,038 --> 00:05:14,071 -[laughter] -So, let's get right to it. [loud laugh] 100 00:05:14,138 --> 00:05:15,171 Right? 101 00:05:15,238 --> 00:05:18,438 Best friends. Really cool. 102 00:05:18,505 --> 00:05:19,671 He's so cool. 103 00:05:21,005 --> 00:05:22,105 Really cool. 104 00:05:22,171 --> 00:05:24,538 -This is Elon's first time on the show. -Yeah. 105 00:05:24,605 --> 00:05:27,738 -Joe Rogan is here, everybody. -[cheers, applause] 106 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:28,805 We are here 107 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:32,171 in the house that Rogan built, the Comedy Mothership, 108 00:05:32,238 --> 00:05:34,471 the greatest comedy club in the world. 109 00:05:34,538 --> 00:05:36,105 We've done this numerous times. 110 00:05:36,171 --> 00:05:37,405 Joe Rogan. Welcome back. 111 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,371 Thank you, sir. 112 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:39,905 And we're gonna have a blast. 113 00:05:39,971 --> 00:05:43,271 I figure we should start the show before we get to one of these bucket pulls 114 00:05:43,338 --> 00:05:47,805 with one of our great regulars here to do the first set on Kill Tony 115 00:05:47,871 --> 00:05:50,171 in Netflix's entire history. 116 00:05:50,238 --> 00:05:53,805 Ladies and gentlemen, getting us started, I present to you 117 00:05:53,871 --> 00:05:57,305 a man who came to us from a faraway land. 118 00:05:57,371 --> 00:06:00,805 -[upbeat rock music playing] -[cheers, applause] 119 00:06:00,871 --> 00:06:03,505 A rock star of mass proportions. 120 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:05,071 We've been watching him do sets. 121 00:06:05,138 --> 00:06:08,971 This guy does new minutes every single week on this show. 122 00:06:09,038 --> 00:06:12,205 A fearless, fearless Kill Tony regular. 123 00:06:12,271 --> 00:06:15,005 This is the Estonian assassin, 124 00:06:15,071 --> 00:06:16,371 Ari Matti! 125 00:06:16,438 --> 00:06:18,438 [cheers, applause] 126 00:06:24,938 --> 00:06:26,005 [music ends] 127 00:06:26,338 --> 00:06:27,671 [in high-pitch] What's up? 128 00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:28,805 [man] Whoo! 129 00:06:29,338 --> 00:06:31,205 I had a date. [clicks tongue] 130 00:06:32,438 --> 00:06:37,471 Uh, we went to a restaurant and I let her pick the restaurant. 131 00:06:38,071 --> 00:06:39,471 That's where I fucked up. 132 00:06:39,538 --> 00:06:41,105 [laughter] 133 00:06:41,171 --> 00:06:43,271 'Cause you know it ain't gonna be Denny's. 134 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:48,738 You know when you walk into a restaurant, you see that fucking chandelier? 135 00:06:49,805 --> 00:06:52,638 -You're like, "You dirty bitch." -[laughter] 136 00:06:53,638 --> 00:06:57,838 It was one of those restaurants, you know, where the menu doesn't even have prices. 137 00:06:59,938 --> 00:07:01,438 I thought I got a broken menu. 138 00:07:02,538 --> 00:07:05,538 And I was like, "Excuse me, it's missing the most valuable 139 00:07:06,305 --> 00:07:09,871 piece of information I need from a menu. 140 00:07:10,538 --> 00:07:12,671 I don't give a fuck where the salmon grew up." 141 00:07:12,738 --> 00:07:14,571 [laughter] 142 00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:18,671 Bill comes, it's in a fucking treasure chest. 143 00:07:19,805 --> 00:07:21,838 [chuckles] Three-eighty. 144 00:07:22,305 --> 00:07:23,638 Two people, still hungry. 145 00:07:23,705 --> 00:07:26,371 -Three-eighty. -[laughter] 146 00:07:26,438 --> 00:07:30,871 You know how much money $380 is for an Estonian? 147 00:07:30,938 --> 00:07:33,838 Dude, we send that money to Ukraine, we're winning the war. 148 00:07:33,905 --> 00:07:35,771 [laughter] 149 00:07:35,838 --> 00:07:37,671 This is, like, seven missiles. 150 00:07:39,138 --> 00:07:41,605 I gotta call Zelensky. "Sorry, boss. 151 00:07:42,705 --> 00:07:44,271 The bitch got tartare." 152 00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:46,238 [laughter] 153 00:07:47,271 --> 00:07:49,071 We leave the restaurant. 154 00:07:49,138 --> 00:07:52,671 You know when the bill is so high, you don't even want to fuck? 155 00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,971 [laughter] 156 00:07:56,205 --> 00:07:58,071 She's like, "What are we doing next?" 157 00:07:58,138 --> 00:08:00,738 "Uh, pick up a shift." 158 00:08:00,805 --> 00:08:02,738 [laughter] 159 00:08:03,471 --> 00:08:06,971 Three-eighty! A hooker is… 160 00:08:07,038 --> 00:08:08,771 A hooker's two-fifty. 161 00:08:08,838 --> 00:08:10,271 [laughter] 162 00:08:10,338 --> 00:08:13,038 -And I know it's two-fifty. -[laughter] 163 00:08:13,105 --> 00:08:16,205 'Cause it's listed on the website. [chuckles] 164 00:08:17,005 --> 00:08:18,238 Thank you so much. 165 00:08:18,305 --> 00:08:22,105 -[cheers, applause] -[Tony] Ari Matti has done it again. 166 00:08:23,505 --> 00:08:24,505 [Ari] What's up? 167 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:25,971 What's up, Elon? 168 00:08:26,871 --> 00:08:28,505 What's up? What's up? 169 00:08:28,571 --> 00:08:30,171 -What's up, brother? -'Sup? Yeah. 170 00:08:30,238 --> 00:08:31,971 -What's up? -All right. All right. Cool. 171 00:08:32,038 --> 00:08:33,405 [laughter] 172 00:08:33,905 --> 00:08:36,671 Elon, this is your first time seeing Ari Matti, correct? 173 00:08:36,738 --> 00:08:39,471 Yeah. He was really, really funny there. 174 00:08:39,538 --> 00:08:42,038 -I'd like to ASS you a few questions. -[loud laugh] 175 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:44,438 -[laughter] -He's been really, really great. 176 00:08:44,505 --> 00:08:45,804 Really. Very funny. 177 00:08:46,338 --> 00:08:50,005 So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so… If, if, if, if, if… So… 178 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:52,371 -If, if, if, if, if… So… What… -[laughter] 179 00:08:52,438 --> 00:08:54,871 So are you a tit man or an ass man? 180 00:08:54,938 --> 00:08:56,271 [loud laugh] 181 00:08:56,338 --> 00:08:58,305 Yeah, I'm really curious. 182 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,371 [laughter] 183 00:09:00,571 --> 00:09:03,738 How are you so retarded, but so smart at the same time? 184 00:09:04,605 --> 00:09:05,671 [Elon] No idea. 185 00:09:05,738 --> 00:09:07,138 [laughter] 186 00:09:07,205 --> 00:09:09,905 -The question still stands, yeah. -[Ari chuckles] 187 00:09:09,971 --> 00:09:14,871 Um… Dude, I don't know. I'm an ass guy until the buh-boobas get too big. 188 00:09:14,938 --> 00:09:16,938 -Then I'm an… Yeah. -[Elon] Yeah. 189 00:09:17,005 --> 00:09:19,505 You know, I don't want, like, flat-chested, big ass, too. 190 00:09:19,571 --> 00:09:21,238 That's a guy. 191 00:09:21,305 --> 00:09:22,838 [laughter] 192 00:09:22,905 --> 00:09:25,971 I like… On Earth, right, 193 00:09:26,038 --> 00:09:27,738 like, I'm an ass man, right? 194 00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:29,038 But, like, in space, 195 00:09:29,105 --> 00:09:32,038 I like space boobs. [loud laugh] 196 00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,805 Because they don't sag. 197 00:09:33,871 --> 00:09:36,305 -[laughter] -You know, like ever. 198 00:09:36,371 --> 00:09:41,105 [loud laugh] 199 00:09:41,171 --> 00:09:42,571 Yeah, we're good friends. 200 00:09:42,638 --> 00:09:44,405 [laughter] 201 00:09:44,471 --> 00:09:47,505 It's, like, perma Perkies. 202 00:09:47,571 --> 00:09:49,038 [loud laugh] 203 00:09:49,105 --> 00:09:50,738 We're talking into, like, red penises. 204 00:09:50,805 --> 00:09:54,938 [chuckles] Me and Joe talking into dog penises. 205 00:09:55,871 --> 00:09:56,705 Anyway… 206 00:09:56,771 --> 00:09:58,671 Elon Musk, uh… 207 00:10:01,038 --> 00:10:03,371 Elon, have you ever seen the show before? 208 00:10:03,438 --> 00:10:05,305 -No. No, I have not. No. -[laughter] 209 00:10:06,538 --> 00:10:07,605 I love it. 210 00:10:07,671 --> 00:10:10,271 Joe Rogan, we work with Ari Matti all the time. 211 00:10:10,338 --> 00:10:14,171 This is another new minute. He writes and performs them all the time. 212 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:15,938 The work ethic, incredible. 213 00:10:16,471 --> 00:10:18,605 Uh, what do you think about Ari Matti? 214 00:10:18,671 --> 00:10:21,738 Ari, how hard is it to do that, to do a new minute every week? 215 00:10:21,805 --> 00:10:23,505 And how much of a pain in the ass is it? 216 00:10:23,571 --> 00:10:25,771 To not be able to just work on bits. 217 00:10:25,838 --> 00:10:28,038 Yeah, there is a certain pain in the ass, for sure, 218 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:31,238 but there's also the fucking excitement. 219 00:10:31,305 --> 00:10:35,471 You know, when you walk out here, it just feels like I'm in a fucking movie. 220 00:10:35,538 --> 00:10:38,905 You walk out here, you're like, "What the fuck am I gonna do?" 221 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,171 [laughter] 222 00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:43,105 And I was hoping you'd keep the Netflix thing maybe on the DL, 223 00:10:43,171 --> 00:10:46,171 but obviously when I walked out, I'm like, "Okay, it's obvious." 224 00:10:46,238 --> 00:10:47,171 [laughter] 225 00:10:47,238 --> 00:10:51,605 Okay, biggest platform in the world, first Estonian on it. 226 00:10:51,671 --> 00:10:53,638 -It's on. -[Tony] Yeah. 227 00:10:53,705 --> 00:10:55,671 -You're damn right. -Really cool. 228 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,438 -[cheers, applause] -It's on. 229 00:10:57,505 --> 00:11:01,505 I'm trying a bit that I've tried four times, and I'm not sure about it. 230 00:11:01,571 --> 00:11:02,705 [laughter] 231 00:11:02,771 --> 00:11:04,638 -Yeah, that's my point. -Yeah, like… 232 00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:05,605 -Yeah. -Yeah. 233 00:11:05,671 --> 00:11:07,571 At least guys on maybe in Tonight Show 234 00:11:07,638 --> 00:11:09,605 or whatever, they could, you know, hear it 235 00:11:09,671 --> 00:11:11,538 fucking every Monday. It's on, baby! 236 00:11:11,605 --> 00:11:12,438 [Tony] Yeah. 237 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,771 And the people demand it. 238 00:11:13,838 --> 00:11:17,205 And the fans fucking have high expectations of you, 239 00:11:17,271 --> 00:11:19,971 and you follow through every goddamn time. 240 00:11:20,038 --> 00:11:21,171 Always amazing. 241 00:11:21,238 --> 00:11:23,705 Anything else crazy we should know about you this week? 242 00:11:23,771 --> 00:11:25,505 Oh, I finally saw my first Black dick. 243 00:11:25,571 --> 00:11:26,871 We did it, baby. 244 00:11:26,938 --> 00:11:29,505 -You saw one? -Yes! At the YMCA! 245 00:11:29,571 --> 00:11:34,171 I went over… "Boom." He said… "Boom!" 246 00:11:34,238 --> 00:11:36,771 -[Tony] You were in the locker room? -The showers. 247 00:11:36,838 --> 00:11:40,271 YMCA showers. They have a little curtain, but the curtain isn't big. 248 00:11:40,338 --> 00:11:42,271 It's a YMCA, you know? 249 00:11:42,338 --> 00:11:45,138 The curtain isn't big enough to cover the whole thing. 250 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,671 So there's a gap there. 251 00:11:46,738 --> 00:11:51,271 And I saw a black guy go from the sauna into the showers, 252 00:11:51,338 --> 00:11:53,571 and I made sure I followed him because… 253 00:11:53,638 --> 00:11:54,671 [laughter] 254 00:11:54,738 --> 00:11:59,571 Crazy part of this is D-Madness has never seen a black penis before, 255 00:11:59,638 --> 00:12:01,571 and he has one. 256 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,005 [laughter] 257 00:12:03,071 --> 00:12:06,905 Because, like, you know, in Estonia, we sauna naked. 258 00:12:06,971 --> 00:12:09,638 You know, I've seen-- all of my friends, I've seen everyone's dick. 259 00:12:09,705 --> 00:12:11,571 I could pick them from a lineup. 260 00:12:13,071 --> 00:12:15,771 And it's just crazy that I've seen none of your dicks. 261 00:12:17,038 --> 00:12:18,271 -[Tony] Well… -[laughter] 262 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,605 [drum roll] 263 00:12:20,671 --> 00:12:22,771 Tonight's the night, Ari. 264 00:12:22,838 --> 00:12:24,771 [laughter] 265 00:12:24,838 --> 00:12:26,505 Ari Matti, you've done it again. 266 00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:28,338 -Thank you so much. -You're a legend indeed. 267 00:12:28,405 --> 00:12:31,138 The first Estonian to be on Netflix. 268 00:12:31,205 --> 00:12:32,605 [cheers, applause] 269 00:12:35,138 --> 00:12:36,238 Unbelievable. 270 00:12:36,805 --> 00:12:41,638 We've been trying to get him his American citizenship. 271 00:12:41,705 --> 00:12:44,671 It is not as easy as you would think. 272 00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:45,771 Rogan and Elon, 273 00:12:45,838 --> 00:12:49,338 you guys are both friends with a particularly 274 00:12:49,405 --> 00:12:51,538 extremely powerful person. 275 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,971 -You think that we could, uh… -[eagle screeches] 276 00:12:54,038 --> 00:12:57,038 [upbeat rock version of "Hail To The Chief" playing] 277 00:12:57,105 --> 00:12:59,105 [cheers, applause] 278 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,538 [Tony] Oh, my God! 279 00:13:13,171 --> 00:13:14,971 Ladies and gentlemen, 280 00:13:15,871 --> 00:13:19,305 the president of the United States of America. 281 00:13:20,671 --> 00:13:21,705 Oh… 282 00:13:22,571 --> 00:13:23,471 My God! 283 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,471 -[music ends] -[laughs] 284 00:13:29,605 --> 00:13:31,805 Donald Trump has arrived. 285 00:13:34,305 --> 00:13:37,738 One of the greatest guests in the history of the show. 286 00:13:38,771 --> 00:13:41,971 The most watched Kill Tony episode of all time. 287 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:44,538 He was with us at Madison Square Garden. 288 00:13:44,605 --> 00:13:47,438 He pretended like he didn't know me at all 289 00:13:47,505 --> 00:13:50,438 after I tried to help him at his rally. 290 00:13:50,505 --> 00:13:52,471 [laughter] 291 00:13:54,205 --> 00:13:57,038 What a privilege it is to be here 292 00:13:57,105 --> 00:13:59,771 at Kill Tony. 293 00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:02,705 And, I mean, what a great group of guys here. 294 00:14:02,771 --> 00:14:05,705 Joe Rogan, the lovely, beautiful Joe Rogan. 295 00:14:05,771 --> 00:14:07,038 [laughter] 296 00:14:07,105 --> 00:14:08,871 So beautiful. Handsome guy. 297 00:14:08,938 --> 00:14:14,005 And Elon Musk. What a incredible retarded man. 298 00:14:14,071 --> 00:14:15,838 [laughter] 299 00:14:15,905 --> 00:14:19,305 And we're going to use his retarded powers for good. 300 00:14:19,371 --> 00:14:21,305 -That's right. -And we are doing that. 301 00:14:21,371 --> 00:14:23,338 And it's great to be here. 302 00:14:26,005 --> 00:14:28,405 -[cheers, applause] -Oh, my God. 303 00:14:29,538 --> 00:14:32,005 President Trump has been on this show before. 304 00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:34,938 I'm glad you made it before the first bucket pull. 305 00:14:35,005 --> 00:14:37,138 Because this is like the heartbeat of the show. 306 00:14:37,205 --> 00:14:40,338 Ari Matti got us warmed up, but this is the true 307 00:14:40,405 --> 00:14:44,071 lifeblood of Kill Tony, is this magical bucket, 308 00:14:44,138 --> 00:14:47,071 and over 300 people signed up for the chance. 309 00:14:47,138 --> 00:14:50,371 If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. 310 00:14:50,438 --> 00:14:52,905 You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. 311 00:14:52,971 --> 00:14:54,705 That means they have to wrap it up then, 312 00:14:54,771 --> 00:14:56,971 or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. 313 00:14:57,038 --> 00:14:58,038 [roars] 314 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:01,838 Which just interrupts them, cuts them off, and I proceed with an interview with them. 315 00:15:01,905 --> 00:15:06,905 We find out all about them and everything that we could possibly know. 316 00:15:06,971 --> 00:15:09,171 Maybe stuff more they could talk about, their life. 317 00:15:09,238 --> 00:15:12,005 They go from being a comedian to a surprise guest 318 00:15:12,071 --> 00:15:15,205 on a podcast in exactly 60 seconds. 319 00:15:15,271 --> 00:15:19,271 There's some people in this bucket that are over 200 years old. 320 00:15:19,338 --> 00:15:20,405 [laughter] 321 00:15:20,471 --> 00:15:22,071 We'll get to the bottom of that. 322 00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:23,605 -But go ahead. -Exactly right. 323 00:15:23,671 --> 00:15:26,138 -Damn right. -And it's a disgusting disgrace 324 00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:27,771 what this show has become. 325 00:15:27,838 --> 00:15:30,205 -There's 200-year-old men in that bucket. -Yeah. 326 00:15:30,271 --> 00:15:32,771 And Elon's gonna sniff 'em out 327 00:15:32,838 --> 00:15:35,205 -like a retarded truffle pig. -That's right. 328 00:15:35,271 --> 00:15:36,171 All right. 329 00:15:36,238 --> 00:15:37,471 [laughter, applause] 330 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,105 -Yeah. -[oinks] 331 00:15:46,238 --> 00:15:48,071 That's right, my liege. 332 00:15:48,138 --> 00:15:52,238 With that said, ladies and gentlemen, let the game begin. 333 00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:55,905 Because this is a person who, moments ago, 334 00:15:55,971 --> 00:16:01,671 had no idea that they were going to be on the show at all, 335 00:16:01,738 --> 00:16:04,671 and they will be known as the first bucket pull 336 00:16:04,738 --> 00:16:07,438 in the history of Kill Tony on Netflix. 337 00:16:07,505 --> 00:16:09,305 This is 60 seconds uninterrupted. 338 00:16:09,371 --> 00:16:10,571 Looks like a new name. 339 00:16:10,638 --> 00:16:13,371 Make some noise for Kai Wynn. 340 00:16:13,438 --> 00:16:15,905 -Kai Wynn. -[cheers, applause] 341 00:16:15,971 --> 00:16:17,505 [funky music playing] 342 00:16:24,538 --> 00:16:26,438 I'm Vietnamese and Jewish. 343 00:16:27,438 --> 00:16:31,671 Which makes me… which makes me a Vi-Jew. 344 00:16:31,738 --> 00:16:33,038 God bless you. 345 00:16:34,705 --> 00:16:36,005 I was, uh… 346 00:16:37,005 --> 00:16:40,238 I was adopted by Jewish parents, 347 00:16:40,305 --> 00:16:44,871 and the way they found me was floating in a basket down by the river. 348 00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:47,105 No, wrong Jew. Sorry, wrong Jew. 349 00:16:47,838 --> 00:16:49,038 They actually use technology. 350 00:16:49,105 --> 00:16:51,671 They use something called Cash App. 351 00:16:51,738 --> 00:16:52,871 [laughter] 352 00:16:53,371 --> 00:16:55,238 I'm getting a little bit older now, 353 00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:56,838 and it's hard for me to go to sleep, 354 00:16:56,905 --> 00:16:59,205 so I have to use something called white noise. 355 00:16:59,271 --> 00:17:01,738 Yeah. I'm not talking about the machine. 356 00:17:01,805 --> 00:17:04,305 I'm talking about I live next to a trailer park. 357 00:17:04,371 --> 00:17:05,438 [laughter] 358 00:17:06,005 --> 00:17:08,705 And it works so well, guys, because every time I hear 359 00:17:08,771 --> 00:17:10,671 domestic violence, I just fall asleep. 360 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,104 [laughter] 361 00:17:13,805 --> 00:17:15,305 [scattered laughter] 362 00:17:21,905 --> 00:17:22,971 [meow plays] 363 00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:26,338 -[stammers] -[roar plays] 364 00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:28,738 -[Tony] All right. There it is. -[applause] 365 00:17:28,805 --> 00:17:29,671 Kai Wynn. 366 00:17:29,738 --> 00:17:31,805 Kind of short-circuited there at the end. 367 00:17:31,871 --> 00:17:34,071 -I was getting so much anxiety. -[laughter] 368 00:17:34,138 --> 00:17:37,805 I was like, "This has got to end soon. I can't handle this." 369 00:17:37,871 --> 00:17:40,171 Kai, this is your first time ever on the show. 370 00:17:40,238 --> 00:17:41,505 -Correct? -That's correct. 371 00:17:41,571 --> 00:17:43,571 And how long have you been doing standup comedy? 372 00:17:43,638 --> 00:17:44,705 About five years. 373 00:17:44,771 --> 00:17:46,305 Five years? Where at? 374 00:17:46,371 --> 00:17:50,138 In LA, The Ice House, and some other places. 375 00:17:50,205 --> 00:17:52,605 -The Ice House or The Rice House? -[laughter] 376 00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,671 Oh, Tony, not again. 377 00:17:54,738 --> 00:17:56,305 Definitely The Rice House. 378 00:17:57,171 --> 00:17:59,205 Perfect. I love it. 379 00:17:59,271 --> 00:18:00,871 So, five years in LA. 380 00:18:00,938 --> 00:18:04,038 Would you consider that your best minute that you have 381 00:18:04,105 --> 00:18:06,571 or were you trying something new here? 382 00:18:06,638 --> 00:18:09,005 -What's going on exactly? -[Kai] Could've been better. 383 00:18:09,071 --> 00:18:10,671 -[Tony] We know that. -[laughter] 384 00:18:10,738 --> 00:18:12,171 That's not what I asked you. 385 00:18:12,238 --> 00:18:15,705 The question was, "Is that the best minute that you've ever written?" 386 00:18:15,771 --> 00:18:18,905 Are you like, "I'm gonna go out on Kill Tony and show him five years, 387 00:18:18,971 --> 00:18:19,805 my best minute"? 388 00:18:19,871 --> 00:18:22,271 Or is that something you wrote on the way here? 389 00:18:22,338 --> 00:18:24,505 -Definitely did write it on the way here. -Okay. 390 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,238 -I'm not that great but yeah. -Okay. 391 00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:28,505 I tried my best, you know. Yeah. 392 00:18:28,571 --> 00:18:30,738 -[piano key plays] -[laughter] 393 00:18:31,238 --> 00:18:33,471 [Elon] I've got a serious problem with this guy. 394 00:18:33,538 --> 00:18:37,138 Because first of all, you didn't say thank you to my liege here. 395 00:18:37,205 --> 00:18:38,138 [stammers] 396 00:18:38,205 --> 00:18:39,771 And you're dressed like a slob. 397 00:18:39,838 --> 00:18:42,705 All we've done for the Jewish people, we've given you… 398 00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:45,071 -Right. -…our entire government. 399 00:18:45,138 --> 00:18:46,138 And what did you do? 400 00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:47,805 Other than commit genocide? 401 00:18:47,871 --> 00:18:51,371 Which, as a Vietnamese person, you would think, maybe, 402 00:18:53,005 --> 00:18:55,038 we're against that type of thing, but… 403 00:18:55,105 --> 00:18:57,038 [laughter] 404 00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:01,571 [Troy] President Trump. 405 00:19:01,638 --> 00:19:03,405 [cheers, applause] 406 00:19:03,471 --> 00:19:05,271 What do you do for work, Kai? 407 00:19:05,338 --> 00:19:06,938 I actually used to be a banker. 408 00:19:07,005 --> 00:19:08,605 -[Tony] You used to be a banker. -Right. 409 00:19:08,671 --> 00:19:10,505 We know which side you got that from. 410 00:19:10,571 --> 00:19:14,471 -[Jewish music playing] -The old famous Vietnamese bankers. 411 00:19:14,538 --> 00:19:15,838 [laughter] 412 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,371 Uh, so what do you do now? 413 00:19:18,438 --> 00:19:22,171 I do… I just… I do comedy. I try to do comedy. 414 00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:24,271 You do comedy for a living. 415 00:19:24,338 --> 00:19:25,205 [Kai] I try. Yes. 416 00:19:25,271 --> 00:19:26,971 Okay, so when you say you try, 417 00:19:27,038 --> 00:19:30,205 did you save up a bunch of money from working at the bank? 418 00:19:30,271 --> 00:19:33,371 Uh, I used to, and then I got divorced, so… 419 00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:35,638 -Oh, you were married. -Right. 420 00:19:35,705 --> 00:19:38,938 -When did you get divorced? -Uh, 2019. 421 00:19:39,005 --> 00:19:40,938 Okay, so six years ago. 422 00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:43,305 -How long were you married? -[Kai] About eight years. 423 00:19:43,371 --> 00:19:46,371 Okay. And why did it not work out, do you think? 424 00:19:46,705 --> 00:19:48,638 Um… [clicks tongue] 425 00:19:49,005 --> 00:19:51,138 Well, I think it was because I was Jewish. 426 00:19:51,205 --> 00:19:52,238 [laughter] 427 00:19:52,305 --> 00:19:54,371 -[Tony] What makes you say that? -[laughs] 428 00:19:54,871 --> 00:19:56,305 A clash of cultures. 429 00:19:56,371 --> 00:19:58,571 [Tony] What was her culture? She Muslim? 430 00:19:58,938 --> 00:20:00,271 [laughter] 431 00:20:00,338 --> 00:20:02,938 -She from Palestine? -She was pro Palestine, yes. 432 00:20:03,005 --> 00:20:04,805 -Really? -No, she was not. 433 00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,371 I don't know. You have to tell the truth during the questions. 434 00:20:08,438 --> 00:20:09,405 She was Chinese. 435 00:20:09,471 --> 00:20:10,638 -She's Chinese. -Yeah. 436 00:20:10,705 --> 00:20:13,871 Chinese and Vietnamese don't get along? 437 00:20:13,938 --> 00:20:16,071 Chinese and Vietnamese? Eh. Not so much. 438 00:20:16,138 --> 00:20:17,571 -Yeah. -[Tony] Really? 439 00:20:17,638 --> 00:20:20,438 You know, the Chinese was for the north, you know what I mean? And… 440 00:20:22,371 --> 00:20:23,771 -Right. -I don't know if you know-- 441 00:20:23,838 --> 00:20:25,371 -[Tony] Yeah, geography. -Yeah. 442 00:20:25,438 --> 00:20:28,171 There may be some other reasons why it didn't work out. 443 00:20:28,238 --> 00:20:31,138 -[laughter] -It's definitely not a me problem. 444 00:20:31,205 --> 00:20:33,571 [imitating Chinese] He's not funny. He work at bank all day. 445 00:20:33,638 --> 00:20:35,271 [laughter] 446 00:20:36,038 --> 00:20:37,038 [sharp inhale] 447 00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:40,005 -Tony, it's going down. -And we're off. 448 00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:42,671 I'm getting word the show has been canceled. 449 00:20:42,738 --> 00:20:44,138 [laughter] 450 00:20:44,205 --> 00:20:49,105 It was a good run, first show to last 14 minutes on Netflix, ever. 451 00:20:49,938 --> 00:20:50,905 Fantastic. 452 00:20:50,971 --> 00:20:53,138 She definitely didn't like my minute. Know what I mean? 453 00:20:53,205 --> 00:20:55,138 I love it. I love it. Okay. 454 00:20:55,205 --> 00:20:57,138 Uh… Very interesting. 455 00:20:57,205 --> 00:21:01,405 Kai, what's something about your life that we would find interesting about you? 456 00:21:01,471 --> 00:21:05,438 Um, well, the most interesting thing is just being adopted 457 00:21:05,505 --> 00:21:07,238 -into a Jewish family, yeah. -[Tony] Oh. 458 00:21:07,305 --> 00:21:08,871 I did not see that coming. 459 00:21:08,938 --> 00:21:12,105 -[laughs loudly] -[laughter] 460 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:13,305 No. 461 00:21:13,371 --> 00:21:15,838 And Elon loves that. He loves Nazi jokes. 462 00:21:15,905 --> 00:21:18,338 And I told him, I said, "You better slow down, Elon." 463 00:21:18,405 --> 00:21:20,871 But he loves them and we keep making them 464 00:21:20,938 --> 00:21:22,905 at our own peril. 465 00:21:22,971 --> 00:21:24,705 [laughter] 466 00:21:24,771 --> 00:21:25,905 Not going well. 467 00:21:28,005 --> 00:21:30,938 [laughter] 468 00:21:31,005 --> 00:21:33,538 So you're really 100% Vietnamese, 469 00:21:33,605 --> 00:21:35,838 -but you were adopted by Jewish people. -Yes. 470 00:21:35,905 --> 00:21:39,438 Okay, and was that from Vietnam to America? 471 00:21:39,505 --> 00:21:41,438 No, I was already in America. 472 00:21:41,505 --> 00:21:44,171 -When I got adopted. -[Tony] Okay. Right. Interesting. 473 00:21:44,238 --> 00:21:47,505 Why do you think your Vietnamese parents gave you up for adoption? 474 00:21:47,571 --> 00:21:48,671 [Joe] Jesus, Tony! 475 00:21:48,738 --> 00:21:49,871 [laughter] 476 00:21:49,938 --> 00:21:51,038 I mean… [laughs] 477 00:21:51,938 --> 00:21:54,005 This is how I would treat a normal show. 478 00:21:54,071 --> 00:21:55,071 [laughter] 479 00:21:55,138 --> 00:21:57,071 I know this is shocking. 480 00:21:57,138 --> 00:21:59,705 Let me remind the new viewers on Netflix. 481 00:21:59,771 --> 00:22:02,905 If you've ever been offended by anything, you will be offended by this show. 482 00:22:02,971 --> 00:22:05,405 And you're two clicks away from John Mulaney. 483 00:22:05,471 --> 00:22:08,071 So just go over there and then you'll be fine. 484 00:22:08,138 --> 00:22:11,005 -[cheers, applause] -He's not gonna offend you. 485 00:22:11,071 --> 00:22:14,571 This will. This is for people who don't get offended. 486 00:22:14,638 --> 00:22:17,371 Back to your parents giving you up. 487 00:22:17,438 --> 00:22:19,071 [laughter] 488 00:22:21,838 --> 00:22:23,938 Are you comfortable talking about it? 489 00:22:24,005 --> 00:22:24,905 Yeah, totally. 490 00:22:25,738 --> 00:22:27,705 -There you go. -What happened was 491 00:22:27,771 --> 00:22:29,638 I got a B in my math class. 492 00:22:29,705 --> 00:22:31,638 -[laughter] -[Tony] Oh. 493 00:22:31,705 --> 00:22:33,338 -And… yeah. -[Tony] There you go. 494 00:22:33,405 --> 00:22:36,105 That's one of the jokes you could've done in the minute 495 00:22:36,171 --> 00:22:38,338 -that would have worked. -[Kai] That's true. 496 00:22:38,405 --> 00:22:39,871 Uh-huh. Okay. 497 00:22:39,938 --> 00:22:45,505 Um, all right, Kai. Well, it was very, very okay. 498 00:22:45,571 --> 00:22:47,438 [laughter] 499 00:22:47,505 --> 00:22:50,938 Here's a little joke book, my friend. That's how it works. 500 00:22:51,005 --> 00:22:52,705 -Thank you. -[cheers, applause] 501 00:22:52,771 --> 00:22:57,805 The first comedian out of the bucket on tonight's show, Kai Wynn, 502 00:22:57,871 --> 00:22:59,105 ladies and gentlemen. 503 00:23:00,571 --> 00:23:04,405 And now for bucket pull number two. 504 00:23:04,471 --> 00:23:06,405 How exciting is this? 505 00:23:06,471 --> 00:23:08,238 Oh, wow, this is interesting. 506 00:23:08,305 --> 00:23:12,405 -[crowd cheers] -This guy… Ooh, the lovely Heidi! 507 00:23:12,471 --> 00:23:14,405 Oh, my goodness! 508 00:23:14,471 --> 00:23:17,005 -This is a very… -[laughter] 509 00:23:18,205 --> 00:23:19,438 [Donald] Elon! 510 00:23:19,505 --> 00:23:20,838 [laughter] 511 00:23:20,905 --> 00:23:23,371 I'm showing Heidi. I'm showing Heidi. Cool, right? 512 00:23:24,271 --> 00:23:25,338 Heidi, you missed it. 513 00:23:25,405 --> 00:23:28,871 Elon was doing one of his amazing tricks that women love. 514 00:23:28,938 --> 00:23:30,571 Frankly, they love it. 515 00:23:30,638 --> 00:23:31,538 Fucking bitch. 516 00:23:32,605 --> 00:23:33,705 She was a bitch, Elon. 517 00:23:33,771 --> 00:23:35,738 We should have her fired. You should fire her. 518 00:23:35,805 --> 00:23:37,271 Yeah. Huge bitch. 519 00:23:38,105 --> 00:23:41,305 I made a really cool thing out of forks and she just walked away. 520 00:23:44,871 --> 00:23:46,171 This is very interesting. 521 00:23:46,238 --> 00:23:50,238 This bucket pull obviously has a lot of time on his hands nowadays. 522 00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:51,838 This is very exciting. 523 00:23:51,905 --> 00:23:54,205 I can't believe this is real. 524 00:23:54,271 --> 00:23:58,738 Make some noise for Joe Biden, everybody! 525 00:23:58,805 --> 00:24:00,805 -This is Joe Biden. -[cheers, applause] 526 00:24:00,871 --> 00:24:01,838 Could this be real? 527 00:24:03,138 --> 00:24:04,971 Oh, my God! 528 00:24:05,105 --> 00:24:06,071 [cheers, applause] 529 00:24:09,138 --> 00:24:13,805 The former president of the United States of America. 530 00:24:14,771 --> 00:24:17,638 Joe-- Oh, he's sniffing a guy's head. 531 00:24:19,005 --> 00:24:20,471 Oh, he loves it. 532 00:24:28,905 --> 00:24:30,738 Happy early Kwanzaa, America. 533 00:24:30,805 --> 00:24:32,105 [laughter, applause] 534 00:24:33,038 --> 00:24:35,571 How we doing? Make it loud for yourselves. Come on. 535 00:24:35,638 --> 00:24:37,871 [cheers, applause] 536 00:24:37,938 --> 00:24:39,938 A lot of people been wondering what I've been doing 537 00:24:40,005 --> 00:24:41,938 since I haven't been president. I'll tell you. 538 00:24:42,005 --> 00:24:43,405 Here's the deal, folks. Come on. 539 00:24:43,471 --> 00:24:44,871 [laughter] 540 00:24:44,938 --> 00:24:46,371 Having a great time. Having a blast. 541 00:24:46,438 --> 00:24:49,038 Just last week, I had some ice cream and took a nap. 542 00:24:49,771 --> 00:24:51,805 I smoked some crack with my son, Hunter. 543 00:24:51,871 --> 00:24:53,371 [laughter, applause] 544 00:24:53,438 --> 00:24:54,605 Come on. 545 00:24:54,671 --> 00:24:55,771 [laughter, applause] 546 00:24:55,838 --> 00:24:59,238 I've been watching these jokers fuck everything up. Huh? 547 00:25:00,105 --> 00:25:05,305 My 401K is going down faster than Kam Patterson's red blood cell count. 548 00:25:05,371 --> 00:25:06,671 [laughter] 549 00:25:07,738 --> 00:25:10,171 That's a sickle cell joke. I can be racist again. 550 00:25:11,138 --> 00:25:13,571 Elon legalized comedy, come on! 551 00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:16,938 Elon legalizing comedy. He's the least funny guy in the world. 552 00:25:17,005 --> 00:25:19,771 It'd be like if Tony Hinchcliffe legalized eating pussy. 553 00:25:19,838 --> 00:25:22,171 [laughter] 554 00:25:24,038 --> 00:25:25,971 Donald, you should hire Tony. 555 00:25:26,038 --> 00:25:28,038 You should hire him. Give him a position. 556 00:25:29,071 --> 00:25:32,571 He'd be the first guy to be in a cabinet and a closet at the same time. 557 00:25:32,638 --> 00:25:34,571 [laughter] 558 00:25:37,271 --> 00:25:40,905 I got a couple of things I'm working on for my set at the secret show. 559 00:25:40,971 --> 00:25:42,738 [laughter] 560 00:25:42,805 --> 00:25:45,738 It says, "Ari Matti looks like a Hitler Youth pastor." 561 00:25:47,371 --> 00:25:52,071 "Ari Matti has been in America so long he's developed a school shooter face." 562 00:25:54,471 --> 00:25:56,471 [laughter] 563 00:26:00,571 --> 00:26:02,205 [breathing shakily] 564 00:26:03,138 --> 00:26:07,705 "Ari Matti looks like a vampire that exclusively drinks period blood." 565 00:26:07,771 --> 00:26:09,938 [laughter] 566 00:26:10,005 --> 00:26:12,105 Come on. We're having a good time. Come on! 567 00:26:12,171 --> 00:26:13,405 [laughter] 568 00:26:14,271 --> 00:26:17,705 Tony looks like if he hiccupped too hard, his chest would collapse. 569 00:26:17,771 --> 00:26:19,471 [laughter] 570 00:26:21,471 --> 00:26:23,571 Did you guys see Elon with that chainsaw? 571 00:26:24,671 --> 00:26:26,571 That's what Redban uses to cut cake. 572 00:26:26,638 --> 00:26:28,438 [laughter] 573 00:26:31,205 --> 00:26:32,038 I wrote down… 574 00:26:32,105 --> 00:26:34,505 "Tony looks like if he had his own streaming service, 575 00:26:34,571 --> 00:26:36,105 "it would be called Chromosome plus." 576 00:26:36,171 --> 00:26:38,071 [laughter] 577 00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:40,038 Before Joe Rogan built this club, 578 00:26:40,105 --> 00:26:42,971 the only club Tony was headlining was the Dallas Buyer's. 579 00:26:43,071 --> 00:26:44,505 [laughter] 580 00:26:44,571 --> 00:26:47,971 Keep it going for Tony Hinchcliffe. That's my dad. That's my favorite guy. 581 00:26:48,038 --> 00:26:49,205 -[applause] -I love that guy. 582 00:26:49,271 --> 00:26:52,371 He didn't vote for me, but I recognize a true American. 583 00:26:52,438 --> 00:26:54,105 [laughter] 584 00:27:00,405 --> 00:27:02,438 Tony looks like a lesbian soccer coach. 585 00:27:02,505 --> 00:27:04,005 [laughter] 586 00:27:04,705 --> 00:27:06,138 I love you. 587 00:27:06,205 --> 00:27:07,705 I love you more than anything. 588 00:27:09,071 --> 00:27:10,238 What else we got? 589 00:27:10,805 --> 00:27:14,771 Tony, how are you going to support an administration that wants to ban vaccines? 590 00:27:14,838 --> 00:27:15,838 Come on. 591 00:27:15,905 --> 00:27:17,338 [laughter] 592 00:27:17,405 --> 00:27:20,505 If we get rid of autism, you won't have any Kill Tony regulars. 593 00:27:20,571 --> 00:27:23,005 [laughter, applause] 594 00:27:28,305 --> 00:27:30,038 [mumbling] 595 00:27:31,205 --> 00:27:34,138 Kam Patterson… Kam Patt… What? 596 00:27:34,205 --> 00:27:35,438 [laughter] 597 00:27:35,505 --> 00:27:37,071 Kam Patterson, big fan. 598 00:27:37,138 --> 00:27:39,038 I like all the characters on the show. 599 00:27:39,105 --> 00:27:41,905 Kam Patterson, he's my favorite… 600 00:27:41,971 --> 00:27:44,671 Kam Patterson, he's making money, but he always dresses 601 00:27:44,738 --> 00:27:47,105 like he bought his clothes at the grocery store. 602 00:27:48,171 --> 00:27:50,138 All right, we'll take this off Netflix. 603 00:27:50,205 --> 00:27:51,171 [laughter] 604 00:27:51,238 --> 00:27:52,805 Kam's only credit is Kill Tony, 605 00:27:52,871 --> 00:27:55,538 and somehow it's better than his actual credit score. 606 00:27:55,605 --> 00:27:57,005 [laughter] 607 00:27:58,471 --> 00:27:59,371 Hit me. 608 00:27:59,771 --> 00:28:00,838 [plays sting] 609 00:28:01,738 --> 00:28:02,638 A little late. 610 00:28:02,705 --> 00:28:03,938 [laughter] 611 00:28:06,238 --> 00:28:08,238 I prepared… prepared a little song. 612 00:28:08,305 --> 00:28:11,571 This is my favorite show of all time. Keep it going for Kill Tony. 613 00:28:11,638 --> 00:28:13,238 [cheers, applause] 614 00:28:14,905 --> 00:28:17,905 Jill and I, we lay in bed every night thinking about life 615 00:28:17,971 --> 00:28:19,638 and what we haven't gotten to do. 616 00:28:19,705 --> 00:28:21,905 I got a lot of things left on my bucket list. 617 00:28:22,938 --> 00:28:24,438 I'd like to see Coldplay live. 618 00:28:24,505 --> 00:28:25,838 [laughter] 619 00:28:27,338 --> 00:28:28,238 That's about it. 620 00:28:28,305 --> 00:28:29,805 [laughter] 621 00:28:29,871 --> 00:28:32,071 I prepared a little song just to commiserate, 622 00:28:32,138 --> 00:28:35,771 commemorate and masturbate my appearance here on Kill Tony. 623 00:28:35,838 --> 00:28:36,905 [laughter] 624 00:28:36,971 --> 00:28:38,471 Hit me with something, DJ. 625 00:28:39,705 --> 00:28:42,105 [soft jazz music playing] 626 00:28:42,605 --> 00:28:43,805 [Joe breathing heavily] 627 00:28:47,738 --> 00:28:50,305 Go ahead and play with yourself if you want, Donald. 628 00:28:50,371 --> 00:28:52,005 [laughter] 629 00:28:54,971 --> 00:28:56,705 [laughter] 630 00:28:58,805 --> 00:29:00,538 ♪ I'll never die ♪ 631 00:29:01,271 --> 00:29:02,738 ♪ I'll never sleep ♪ 632 00:29:03,605 --> 00:29:05,471 ♪ I'll never cry ♪ 633 00:29:06,138 --> 00:29:07,338 ♪ I'm in defeat ♪ 634 00:29:08,438 --> 00:29:12,538 ♪ I like to drive, I'm 82 ♪ 635 00:29:13,338 --> 00:29:16,938 ♪ I'll eat some ass just to feel alive with you ♪ 636 00:29:18,238 --> 00:29:21,671 ♪ But before I go, You all should know ♪ 637 00:29:22,771 --> 00:29:24,471 ♪ The reason I'm on this show ♪ 638 00:29:25,038 --> 00:29:26,571 ♪ Is Tony made me blow… ♪ 639 00:29:26,638 --> 00:29:27,738 ♪ Him a kiss! ♪ 640 00:29:27,805 --> 00:29:29,405 ♪ Him a kiss Him a kiss ♪ 641 00:29:29,471 --> 00:29:31,605 [laughter] 642 00:29:31,671 --> 00:29:35,171 ♪ I wouldn't miss a chance to be ♪ 643 00:29:37,071 --> 00:29:40,305 ♪ On Kill Tony ♪ 644 00:29:40,371 --> 00:29:42,805 [cheers, applause] 645 00:29:44,005 --> 00:29:45,038 Wow! 646 00:29:45,105 --> 00:29:49,071 The former president of the United States, Joe Biden, 647 00:29:50,471 --> 00:29:53,105 with sniffing a man's head again. 648 00:29:53,171 --> 00:29:54,271 He loves it. 649 00:29:54,805 --> 00:29:57,405 He loves that smell. Oh, God, he loves it. 650 00:29:58,171 --> 00:29:59,538 Oh, my God. 651 00:30:00,305 --> 00:30:02,371 Okay, Joe. Joe. 652 00:30:05,905 --> 00:30:07,738 [laughter] 653 00:30:07,805 --> 00:30:08,705 Wow. 654 00:30:08,771 --> 00:30:10,371 [applause] 655 00:30:11,638 --> 00:30:15,005 Ah. There they are, old rivals. 656 00:30:15,071 --> 00:30:17,438 [laughter] 657 00:30:17,505 --> 00:30:19,071 Joe Biden. 658 00:30:19,138 --> 00:30:21,338 One more time for Joe Biden, everybody. 659 00:30:21,405 --> 00:30:22,505 [cheers, applause] 660 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:24,138 What a special treat. 661 00:30:25,338 --> 00:30:27,238 Absolutely incredible. 662 00:30:28,571 --> 00:30:30,871 -All right. -[laughter] 663 00:30:30,938 --> 00:30:32,205 Here we go. 664 00:30:33,105 --> 00:30:35,971 Time for the second-- or third. 665 00:30:36,471 --> 00:30:40,238 Truly, the second, but third bucket pull of the night. 666 00:30:40,305 --> 00:30:42,405 Make some noise for Pat O'Neill. 667 00:30:42,471 --> 00:30:44,905 One minute, uninterrupted for Pat O'Neill. 668 00:30:44,971 --> 00:30:47,338 I'm gonna keep it moving along with Pat O'Neill. 669 00:30:47,405 --> 00:30:48,871 [cheers, applause] 670 00:30:48,938 --> 00:30:50,671 [music ends] 671 00:30:50,738 --> 00:30:52,538 Times are changing, folks. 672 00:30:52,605 --> 00:30:57,005 Who else remembers back when butt plugs were just called thumbs? 673 00:30:57,071 --> 00:30:58,438 Okay… 674 00:30:58,505 --> 00:31:00,471 [laughter] 675 00:31:00,538 --> 00:31:02,805 We're living in a modern world, 676 00:31:02,871 --> 00:31:06,171 and I believe trans women are women. 677 00:31:08,471 --> 00:31:10,671 Though they are suspiciously good at driving. 678 00:31:10,738 --> 00:31:13,171 -Uh… -[laughter] 679 00:31:13,238 --> 00:31:15,838 Other than that, one and the same, I says. 680 00:31:16,505 --> 00:31:18,105 I've been feeling lonely lately. 681 00:31:18,171 --> 00:31:21,038 Finally decided to get myself an emotional support animal. 682 00:31:21,738 --> 00:31:24,505 And by that I mean a fat girlfriend. 683 00:31:25,138 --> 00:31:27,238 The other night me and her were having sex. 684 00:31:27,305 --> 00:31:28,138 Cowgirl-- 685 00:31:28,205 --> 00:31:30,805 Not the position. That's just what I call her. And… 686 00:31:30,871 --> 00:31:33,771 [laughter] 687 00:31:33,838 --> 00:31:35,505 she tells me she doesn't swallow. 688 00:31:35,571 --> 00:31:38,038 I'm like, fucking what? Just this? Come on. 689 00:31:38,105 --> 00:31:39,271 [laughter] 690 00:31:39,338 --> 00:31:40,305 No, no. 691 00:31:41,605 --> 00:31:42,605 No. No, no. 692 00:31:42,671 --> 00:31:43,938 [laughter] 693 00:31:44,005 --> 00:31:47,105 It's not right for me to stand up here and just make fun of fat women. 694 00:31:47,171 --> 00:31:50,438 So let me say, fat men in this country have gotten so lazy. 695 00:31:50,505 --> 00:31:51,538 [meow plays] 696 00:31:51,605 --> 00:31:54,371 They can't even win the hot dog eating contests anymore. 697 00:31:54,438 --> 00:31:55,871 [laughter] 698 00:31:55,938 --> 00:31:58,938 Always some skinny Asian guy instead. 699 00:31:59,005 --> 00:32:03,038 Shows up thinking it's a regular dog eating contest. 700 00:32:03,105 --> 00:32:05,105 [laughter, applause] 701 00:32:06,371 --> 00:32:09,505 -That's good. -Okay, Pat O'Neill. Welcome. Welcome. 702 00:32:09,571 --> 00:32:11,038 [laughter, applause] 703 00:32:11,105 --> 00:32:13,338 This is your first time on the show. Correct, Pat? 704 00:32:13,405 --> 00:32:17,205 Yes, Tony. God damn it! Please save me from obscurity, St. Tony. 705 00:32:17,271 --> 00:32:18,405 I think you just did. 706 00:32:18,471 --> 00:32:20,638 How long have you been doing standup comedy? 707 00:32:20,705 --> 00:32:21,705 Almost four years. 708 00:32:21,771 --> 00:32:23,971 -Where at? -Providence, Rhode Island. 709 00:32:24,038 --> 00:32:26,305 -Providence, Rhode Island? -I'm from Massachusetts. 710 00:32:26,371 --> 00:32:27,438 What happened to you? 711 00:32:27,505 --> 00:32:29,905 -[laughter] -[Pat] Oh, uh… 712 00:32:29,971 --> 00:32:31,705 I need a dad, Joe, please. 713 00:32:31,771 --> 00:32:33,371 [laughter] 714 00:32:36,338 --> 00:32:38,671 You are an interesting looking guy. 715 00:32:38,738 --> 00:32:40,238 Has your mom ever told you 716 00:32:40,305 --> 00:32:43,838 what she was drinking the night that she made you, exactly? 717 00:32:43,905 --> 00:32:46,105 Listen, that bitch has told me a lot of shit. 718 00:32:46,171 --> 00:32:48,405 [laughter] 719 00:32:51,071 --> 00:32:52,938 You look like a comedian. 720 00:32:53,005 --> 00:32:55,771 I mean, you look like you were built to only do this. 721 00:32:55,838 --> 00:32:57,771 -[cheers, applause] -I would not trust you 722 00:32:57,838 --> 00:32:59,038 if you were a doctor, 723 00:32:59,105 --> 00:33:01,505 a mechanic, anything else. 724 00:33:02,738 --> 00:33:04,305 You have no choice, young Jedi. 725 00:33:04,371 --> 00:33:06,105 [laughter] 726 00:33:06,171 --> 00:33:08,738 Just an evil looking guy telling racist jokes 727 00:33:08,805 --> 00:33:10,905 that everybody thinks is secretly gay. 728 00:33:10,971 --> 00:33:12,205 Welcome to my world. 729 00:33:12,271 --> 00:33:15,605 [laughter, applause] 730 00:33:16,105 --> 00:33:17,505 [lightsaber activates plays] 731 00:33:17,571 --> 00:33:19,638 [lightsaber buzzing] 732 00:33:20,238 --> 00:33:21,905 [Joe exclaiming] 733 00:33:21,971 --> 00:33:23,805 Do you really have a fat girlfriend? 734 00:33:24,438 --> 00:33:25,538 Eh. She could lose a few. 735 00:33:25,605 --> 00:33:28,205 -Wow. Absolutely incredible. -[laughter] 736 00:33:30,405 --> 00:33:32,205 I like it. I like the way you act. 737 00:33:32,271 --> 00:33:35,971 And I think it's very important to tell women when they're getting fat. 738 00:33:36,038 --> 00:33:38,338 I do. I say, "Look at you, you slob. 739 00:33:38,405 --> 00:33:39,671 "I would never fuck you." 740 00:33:39,738 --> 00:33:42,505 [laughter] 741 00:33:42,571 --> 00:33:45,138 What you brought up with the hot dog eating contest, 742 00:33:45,205 --> 00:33:47,605 we are going to make a change to that, though. 743 00:33:47,671 --> 00:33:50,638 Fat whites are going to come back stronger than ever. 744 00:33:50,705 --> 00:33:53,171 -[laughter] -They carried me in this election, 745 00:33:53,238 --> 00:33:57,438 and the fat whites have made a mandate that America is fat and white again. 746 00:33:58,471 --> 00:34:01,205 Thank you, fat whites, particularly in this crowd. 747 00:34:01,271 --> 00:34:03,105 [laughter] 748 00:34:08,271 --> 00:34:09,938 Pat, what do you do for a living? 749 00:34:10,205 --> 00:34:13,005 Uh, when does this episode come out? 750 00:34:13,071 --> 00:34:14,405 [laughter] 751 00:34:14,471 --> 00:34:15,371 [Tony] A week. 752 00:34:15,438 --> 00:34:18,638 All right. So for the next week, I work for a mortgage company. 753 00:34:18,704 --> 00:34:21,738 [laughter] 754 00:34:21,805 --> 00:34:24,305 [cheers, applause] 755 00:34:27,005 --> 00:34:28,638 After that, fuck 'em. 756 00:34:28,704 --> 00:34:30,171 [laughter] 757 00:34:31,771 --> 00:34:34,371 Wow. What do you what do you do for fun? 758 00:34:34,438 --> 00:34:36,505 You seem like a guy that has a lot of hobbies. 759 00:34:36,571 --> 00:34:39,338 Seems like you have a collection of things on your wall, 760 00:34:39,405 --> 00:34:41,271 like people's skins and whatnot. 761 00:34:41,338 --> 00:34:42,305 Yeah, well… 762 00:34:42,671 --> 00:34:45,704 [stammers] I take mushrooms, whack off. 763 00:34:45,771 --> 00:34:47,838 Working on some impressions lately. 764 00:34:47,905 --> 00:34:49,171 What kind of impressions? 765 00:34:49,238 --> 00:34:53,738 I'm working on a couple. Johnny Carson and a Black pirate. 766 00:34:54,305 --> 00:34:57,138 Wait. Are you saying that they are both at the same time? 767 00:34:57,204 --> 00:34:58,871 -No, separate. -Okay. 768 00:34:58,938 --> 00:34:59,905 All right. 769 00:34:59,971 --> 00:35:02,405 Let's go. Johnny Carson first. 770 00:35:02,471 --> 00:35:03,805 [Pat] All right, all right. Um… 771 00:35:03,871 --> 00:35:05,605 [clears throat] 772 00:35:05,671 --> 00:35:07,738 [imitating Carson] Redban's fat. [snickering] 773 00:35:07,805 --> 00:35:10,238 [Tony] Okay, let's go with the Black pirate. 774 00:35:10,305 --> 00:35:12,338 -[laughter] -Let's try the Black pirate. 775 00:35:12,405 --> 00:35:14,638 All right, all right. Here's my Black pirate. 776 00:35:14,705 --> 00:35:16,705 [inhales, clears throat] 777 00:35:16,771 --> 00:35:20,938 -Yo ho, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho! -[laughter, applause] 778 00:35:21,005 --> 00:35:22,338 -[Tony] All right. -[Joe] Wow. 779 00:35:23,238 --> 00:35:24,138 [Tony] Indeed. 780 00:35:25,038 --> 00:35:27,671 You make me want to drop a hard "R". 781 00:35:27,738 --> 00:35:29,571 [laughter] 782 00:35:31,271 --> 00:35:32,205 [Pat] Yes, matey. 783 00:35:32,271 --> 00:35:33,471 [laughter] 784 00:35:34,871 --> 00:35:36,438 Now both at the same time. 785 00:35:37,805 --> 00:35:39,938 I have to ask, where did you get that lovely shirt? 786 00:35:40,005 --> 00:35:41,971 Is that a Jurassic Park shirt? 787 00:35:42,038 --> 00:35:44,171 [laughter] 788 00:35:44,238 --> 00:35:47,105 -President Trump loves Jurassic Park. -It is. 789 00:35:47,171 --> 00:35:50,838 -We learned this. -Tony, what a film. 790 00:35:50,905 --> 00:35:53,005 [laughter] 791 00:35:56,805 --> 00:35:57,905 [frog croaks] 792 00:35:58,871 --> 00:36:01,205 [laughter] 793 00:36:01,271 --> 00:36:02,171 Wow. 794 00:36:03,138 --> 00:36:04,538 Pat, what else about you? 795 00:36:04,605 --> 00:36:07,005 I feel like there's more you're not telling us. 796 00:36:07,071 --> 00:36:10,171 What's something crazy about your life that we should know? 797 00:36:10,238 --> 00:36:11,205 Uh, I don't know. 798 00:36:12,005 --> 00:36:15,471 From the shirt alone, I do take a lot of mushrooms. 799 00:36:15,538 --> 00:36:18,605 When you say you take a lot of mushrooms, how often? How much? 800 00:36:18,671 --> 00:36:21,538 -What are we talking about? -We're talking once a week. 801 00:36:21,605 --> 00:36:23,771 -Minimum an eighth. -Wow. 802 00:36:23,838 --> 00:36:27,938 -What do you do when you go on these? -I need jokes. I have a very boring life. 803 00:36:28,005 --> 00:36:30,838 But what do you tend to do when you take these mushrooms? 804 00:36:30,905 --> 00:36:32,238 Do you stay inside? 805 00:36:32,305 --> 00:36:34,405 Do you stay in the dark? Do you go outside? 806 00:36:34,471 --> 00:36:37,805 If you're doing that much once a week, that's a lot. 807 00:36:37,871 --> 00:36:40,271 -[laughter] -You're doing a lot with your life. 808 00:36:40,338 --> 00:36:43,871 If fucking Rogan's saying it, then I'm gonna check myself. God damn it. 809 00:36:43,938 --> 00:36:46,838 Take a few weeks off, figure out what you learned. 810 00:36:46,905 --> 00:36:49,171 [Pat] I think I'm going to. This is a reality check. 811 00:36:49,238 --> 00:36:50,871 [laughter] 812 00:36:52,105 --> 00:36:55,438 You can't keep dancing around with the elves in the Netherworld. 813 00:36:55,505 --> 00:36:59,871 What an incredible intervention you just had here. Live on Netflix. 814 00:36:59,938 --> 00:37:02,138 -From Joe Rogan. Incredible. -I know, it's… 815 00:37:02,205 --> 00:37:03,105 Slow down, son. 816 00:37:03,171 --> 00:37:07,738 It's sort of rude, but it is your club so very well. 817 00:37:08,705 --> 00:37:10,671 -Or don't. Go crazy. -All right. 818 00:37:10,738 --> 00:37:14,205 It is incredible, Pat. Well, congratulations. 819 00:37:14,271 --> 00:37:16,738 You had a very fun performance here. 820 00:37:16,805 --> 00:37:20,138 -This is a big Kill Tony joke book. -[cheers, applause] 821 00:37:20,738 --> 00:37:22,138 Congratulations. 822 00:37:22,205 --> 00:37:26,605 And that is the Kill Tony debut of Pat O'Neill, everybody. 823 00:37:27,605 --> 00:37:28,605 Fun. 824 00:37:28,671 --> 00:37:30,471 [funky music playing] 825 00:37:30,538 --> 00:37:33,838 All right, let's keep it moving along. 826 00:37:33,905 --> 00:37:36,638 -[crowd exclaims] -Oh, my goodness. Elon! 827 00:37:36,705 --> 00:37:39,138 [Elon] Oh! No, no, no. X, no! 828 00:37:39,871 --> 00:37:43,471 X… X got a nuclear-- [loud laugh] God. 829 00:37:43,538 --> 00:37:45,071 X got a nuclear warhead. 830 00:37:45,838 --> 00:37:46,838 All right. X. 831 00:37:46,905 --> 00:37:49,638 [Tony] That is your son with a nuclear warhead, Elon. 832 00:37:49,705 --> 00:37:53,171 [Elon] I know. X dash 12, one, four, three, five. 833 00:37:53,238 --> 00:37:54,138 Throw that a cube. 834 00:37:54,205 --> 00:37:55,638 All right, stop-- All right. 835 00:37:55,705 --> 00:37:58,371 -Looks like he got into Daddy's ketamine. -[laughter] 836 00:37:58,438 --> 00:38:01,171 -[Tony] That is… -A little too much. 837 00:38:01,905 --> 00:38:03,371 [stammers] 838 00:38:03,438 --> 00:38:06,071 I think he has a little too much access. 839 00:38:06,138 --> 00:38:10,338 Elon brings his son Malcolm X27 to every show. 840 00:38:10,405 --> 00:38:13,771 And we love Malcolm X27. He's a great kid. 841 00:38:13,838 --> 00:38:14,838 What's his name? 842 00:38:14,905 --> 00:38:16,571 [stammering] 843 00:38:16,638 --> 00:38:20,005 It's Dash twelve four, three, five, six, seven, the letter Q, 844 00:38:20,071 --> 00:38:22,471 -that squiggly equals sign… -C-3PO, the boy. 845 00:38:22,538 --> 00:38:26,538 C-3PO. Yeah. It's really a Wi-Fi password that I saw, 846 00:38:26,605 --> 00:38:28,871 and I just thought that would be a great name. 847 00:38:28,938 --> 00:38:30,671 [laughter] 848 00:38:31,871 --> 00:38:36,571 [stammers] He's less a son and more of a bulletproof vest, you know? 849 00:38:36,638 --> 00:38:38,305 I keep him, like, in front of me. 850 00:38:38,371 --> 00:38:41,238 I've got 14 more, it's not a problem. 851 00:38:41,305 --> 00:38:42,505 [laughter] 852 00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:46,071 I'd like to borrow some of those boys. I keep getting shot in the head. 853 00:38:46,138 --> 00:38:48,271 [laughter] 854 00:38:49,338 --> 00:38:53,705 I would love to stop getting shot in the head every few days, but… 855 00:38:53,771 --> 00:38:56,005 [laughter] 856 00:39:03,338 --> 00:39:04,338 I love it. 857 00:39:04,838 --> 00:39:08,471 We are going to get another one of our regulars out here. 858 00:39:08,538 --> 00:39:11,871 Ladies and gentlemen, this is very exciting. 859 00:39:11,938 --> 00:39:14,405 This guy has been a regular for a couple of years. 860 00:39:14,471 --> 00:39:16,338 One of the most loved people 861 00:39:16,405 --> 00:39:20,305 that write and perform a new minute almost every single week on this show. 862 00:39:20,371 --> 00:39:22,471 He's been traveling all around the country. 863 00:39:22,538 --> 00:39:26,071 Make some noise. This is a new minute from Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. 864 00:39:26,138 --> 00:39:28,238 -[upbeat music playing] -[cheers, applause] 865 00:39:43,038 --> 00:39:47,805 ♪ It's Santa's birthday and everybody is invited but the Grinch ♪ 866 00:39:47,871 --> 00:39:50,871 [laughter] 867 00:39:52,438 --> 00:39:53,638 [laughs] 868 00:39:53,705 --> 00:39:55,105 All right. Very cool. 869 00:39:55,171 --> 00:39:57,805 Scared yet? All right. Yeah. 870 00:39:57,871 --> 00:40:00,871 Sorry. If I seem a little off tonight, I'm sick as a dog. 871 00:40:00,938 --> 00:40:04,038 -Because I've been eating cat poop, but… -[laughter] 872 00:40:04,105 --> 00:40:05,105 Okay. [laughs] 873 00:40:05,805 --> 00:40:07,905 Very cool. It's funny you bring that up, 874 00:40:07,971 --> 00:40:10,238 you know what I always say about taking Xanax, 875 00:40:10,305 --> 00:40:12,005 "Who stole my fucking cell phone?" 876 00:40:12,071 --> 00:40:13,571 [laughter] 877 00:40:14,505 --> 00:40:15,538 I trusted you. 878 00:40:16,871 --> 00:40:19,438 That's a good point, especially around the holidays. 879 00:40:20,305 --> 00:40:23,805 They've started calling me l'enfant terrible, but… 880 00:40:25,105 --> 00:40:28,405 It has been a tough summer, especially around the winter, and my… 881 00:40:28,471 --> 00:40:30,405 [laughter] 882 00:40:32,205 --> 00:40:33,638 [laughs] 883 00:40:37,838 --> 00:40:39,438 It's getting warmer, 884 00:40:39,505 --> 00:40:42,771 a lot of people looking forward to the dog days of summer, not me. 885 00:40:42,838 --> 00:40:44,838 I'm looking forward to the cat days of fall. 886 00:40:44,905 --> 00:40:45,805 [meow plays] 887 00:40:45,871 --> 00:40:48,238 That's when I get to walk around on the counters 888 00:40:48,305 --> 00:40:50,405 and knock down all the picture frames. 889 00:40:50,471 --> 00:40:52,471 [laughter] 890 00:40:57,205 --> 00:41:00,005 It's been a tough week, especially around Christmas, I… 891 00:41:00,071 --> 00:41:01,538 [laughter] 892 00:41:01,605 --> 00:41:04,005 I took my mom to Disney World last week. 893 00:41:04,071 --> 00:41:05,938 Went to Epcot. It was really fun. 894 00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:07,638 Italy was beautiful. 895 00:41:07,705 --> 00:41:08,871 [laughter] 896 00:41:09,538 --> 00:41:11,605 Paris… Somalia was pretty scary. Um… 897 00:41:11,671 --> 00:41:13,171 [laughter] 898 00:41:13,638 --> 00:41:15,005 A lot of pirates. 899 00:41:15,905 --> 00:41:17,405 It is funny you bring that up. 900 00:41:17,471 --> 00:41:21,871 It's just getting tougher every week, and I was meaning to… 901 00:41:21,938 --> 00:41:24,771 Sorry. Sorry, Tony. It's kind of embarrassing. 902 00:41:24,838 --> 00:41:27,505 I seem to have dropped my bag of rubies and sapphires. 903 00:41:27,571 --> 00:41:29,805 [laughter] 904 00:41:31,671 --> 00:41:32,971 I come from old money. 905 00:41:33,038 --> 00:41:36,771 I got hundreds of those things. 906 00:41:36,838 --> 00:41:39,905 My daddy discovered the pastrami sandwich so… 907 00:41:40,938 --> 00:41:42,838 My mommy founded Pinky and the Brain. 908 00:41:42,905 --> 00:41:44,638 But thank you. I'm Casey Rocket. 909 00:41:44,705 --> 00:41:45,605 Have a good night. 910 00:41:45,671 --> 00:41:50,071 -[cheers, applause] -The odd, silly styles 911 00:41:50,138 --> 00:41:53,071 -of the mysterious Casey Rocket. -[cheers, applause] 912 00:41:53,838 --> 00:41:59,138 A man who lives a mysterious life. A big time rock and roll star. 913 00:41:59,205 --> 00:42:02,038 A throwback to a different time and energy. 914 00:42:02,105 --> 00:42:03,738 -Absolutely wacky and wild. -Thank you. 915 00:42:03,805 --> 00:42:06,938 -How have things been going, Casey Rocket? -Going pretty good. 916 00:42:07,005 --> 00:42:10,371 -[Tony] Oh. Whoa. Ten… -Charmed, I'm sure. 917 00:42:11,438 --> 00:42:13,571 [Tony] Ten dollar bill and Trump pushed it away 918 00:42:13,638 --> 00:42:15,705 with the energy of the Force. 919 00:42:15,771 --> 00:42:16,771 [laughter] 920 00:42:16,838 --> 00:42:18,571 [Casey] As you can see, I'm doing just fine. 921 00:42:18,638 --> 00:42:19,738 You want to pass that down? 922 00:42:19,805 --> 00:42:20,771 [laughter] 923 00:42:20,838 --> 00:42:24,105 This money is wet, Casey, you're sweating… 924 00:42:24,171 --> 00:42:26,338 Unbelievably sweaty under there, aren't you? 925 00:42:26,405 --> 00:42:29,471 -Oops. -This is wet money, you disgusting pig. 926 00:42:29,538 --> 00:42:30,705 [laughter] 927 00:42:30,771 --> 00:42:32,038 That is fucking gross. 928 00:42:32,105 --> 00:42:33,405 [Casey] Whoops. 929 00:42:33,471 --> 00:42:35,005 [laughter] 930 00:42:35,938 --> 00:42:36,905 [Casey laughs] 931 00:42:37,671 --> 00:42:39,271 Whoops. 932 00:42:40,371 --> 00:42:42,005 Guess I made a little mess. 933 00:42:42,905 --> 00:42:45,205 [Tony] What do you got in the envelope there, Casey? 934 00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:46,838 Tony, I'm thrilled you asked. 935 00:42:46,905 --> 00:42:48,671 [laughter] 936 00:42:49,238 --> 00:42:52,571 Seems to be sealed with a wax seal of some kind. 937 00:42:52,638 --> 00:42:54,405 It seems to be very thick. 938 00:42:54,471 --> 00:42:58,205 As you know, as many of you know, Kill Tony is blood in, blood out. 939 00:42:58,271 --> 00:43:00,171 [laughter] 940 00:43:02,171 --> 00:43:04,905 That's why we haven't seen Heath Cordes in a long time. 941 00:43:04,971 --> 00:43:06,638 [laughter] 942 00:43:09,705 --> 00:43:12,005 -[Tony] Seems like it's been forever. -It has been. 943 00:43:12,071 --> 00:43:14,205 Wait, can I say something? Um… 944 00:43:14,271 --> 00:43:16,238 I just want to say something to my son. 945 00:43:17,671 --> 00:43:19,971 Scarecrow, if you're watching this, 946 00:43:21,438 --> 00:43:23,438 come home, all is forgiven. 947 00:43:23,505 --> 00:43:24,838 [laughter] 948 00:43:25,471 --> 00:43:27,738 But I'm going to be taking… [laughing] 949 00:43:27,805 --> 00:43:29,038 I'm going to be taking… 950 00:43:29,105 --> 00:43:31,905 [Donald] That's very nice. "Scarecrow, we miss you." 951 00:43:32,905 --> 00:43:34,305 "Scarecrow, we love you, 952 00:43:34,371 --> 00:43:37,205 and your father Casey misses you dearly." 953 00:43:37,271 --> 00:43:38,238 "Please come back." 954 00:43:38,305 --> 00:43:40,838 "The Palestinians have abducted Scarecrow, 955 00:43:40,905 --> 00:43:41,938 [laughter] 956 00:43:42,005 --> 00:43:45,171 and I will not rest until we get Scarecrow back. And…" 957 00:43:45,238 --> 00:43:46,638 [laughter] 958 00:43:46,705 --> 00:43:47,805 [laughs] 959 00:43:49,205 --> 00:43:51,871 We're gonna have to edit a lot of this out of Netflix. 960 00:43:51,938 --> 00:43:53,738 [laughter] 961 00:43:57,205 --> 00:43:58,305 Oh, my God. 962 00:44:00,071 --> 00:44:03,371 I am gonna be taking a little break from Kill Tony 963 00:44:03,438 --> 00:44:06,271 and I wrote… I know you asked me, 964 00:44:06,338 --> 00:44:08,205 you said I need to put it in writing, 965 00:44:08,271 --> 00:44:10,405 -and I… This is for you. -[Tony] Uh-huh. 966 00:44:10,471 --> 00:44:11,305 Wow. 967 00:44:11,371 --> 00:44:13,638 Redban, I'm gonna have you open yours first. 968 00:44:13,705 --> 00:44:17,871 Oh, okay. Redban, the "D" is backwards on Redban. 969 00:44:17,938 --> 00:44:20,005 And it's written four times. 970 00:44:20,071 --> 00:44:22,005 [Casey] There's a Polaroid of my butt cheeks. 971 00:44:22,071 --> 00:44:23,238 [Tony] Ooh. 972 00:44:23,738 --> 00:44:25,905 -What have we got there? -[Casey] I'm not kidding. 973 00:44:25,971 --> 00:44:29,371 We got a unfiltered cigarette or a joint, maybe. 974 00:44:29,438 --> 00:44:31,038 -That's a cigarette. -That's Camel, yeah. 975 00:44:31,105 --> 00:44:33,271 That's clearly a Camel unfiltered cigarette. 976 00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:35,271 [Casey] Polaroid of my buttcheeks, as promised. 977 00:44:35,338 --> 00:44:36,738 Those are your buttcheeks? 978 00:44:36,805 --> 00:44:39,171 -There's a photo of his buttcheeks. -Yeah. 979 00:44:39,238 --> 00:44:41,071 [laughter] 980 00:44:41,138 --> 00:44:43,138 [Casey] You didn't think I was bluffing, did you? 981 00:44:43,205 --> 00:44:45,905 What have we… Flip it over first. What do we have here? 982 00:44:45,971 --> 00:44:50,371 [Casey] That's a couple pages of the script from Hereditary. And… 983 00:44:50,438 --> 00:44:51,405 [laughter] 984 00:44:51,471 --> 00:44:54,105 It's signed by the little girl, so it's pretty cool. 985 00:44:54,171 --> 00:44:56,038 -[Tony] It actually is. -[Brian] Really is. 986 00:44:56,105 --> 00:44:59,271 "Annie and Peter's dialogue from Hereditary." 987 00:44:59,338 --> 00:45:01,138 Yeah, good find. Um… 988 00:45:01,205 --> 00:45:02,471 [laughter] 989 00:45:03,038 --> 00:45:06,971 I'm taking a break. Netflix is having me reboot Paddington. And… 990 00:45:07,038 --> 00:45:10,105 [Tony] Oh. Who are you playing in Paddington? 991 00:45:11,271 --> 00:45:13,138 -What do you think? -[laughter] 992 00:45:13,205 --> 00:45:15,205 You know I'm going to be the bear, baby. 993 00:45:15,771 --> 00:45:17,305 I'm going to be the bear. 994 00:45:17,371 --> 00:45:20,171 And it's sort of Paddington meets Requiem for a Dream, 995 00:45:20,238 --> 00:45:22,138 -so it should be kind of cool. -[laughter] 996 00:45:22,205 --> 00:45:26,205 That does sound pretty close to your actual life, Casey. 997 00:45:26,271 --> 00:45:27,271 Can I open mine now? 998 00:45:27,338 --> 00:45:29,105 -Yes. Take a peek. -Oh, my goodness. 999 00:45:29,171 --> 00:45:30,905 I'm so excited about this. 1000 00:45:30,971 --> 00:45:34,538 -Whoa, $50 to The Cheesecake Factory. -[cheers, applause] 1001 00:45:35,405 --> 00:45:36,705 -All right, guys. -Oh, man. 1002 00:45:36,771 --> 00:45:38,605 -[Brian] What the fuck? -[Tony] Yeah. 1003 00:45:38,671 --> 00:45:40,438 -[laughter] -This seems backwards. 1004 00:45:40,505 --> 00:45:43,671 Hereditary is one of my favorite movies. 1005 00:45:43,738 --> 00:45:46,805 -Wow, a Nordstrom gift card? -[Casey] That's right. 1006 00:45:46,871 --> 00:45:49,471 -[cheers] -Is there actual money on this? 1007 00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:52,305 -[stammers] -[laughter] 1008 00:45:53,838 --> 00:45:55,671 And whoa. 1009 00:45:55,738 --> 00:45:57,671 Oh, my goodness, I know what this is. 1010 00:45:57,738 --> 00:45:59,238 [Casey] That's absolutely right. 1011 00:45:59,305 --> 00:46:01,371 There's a bunch of little dinosaur pills 1012 00:46:01,438 --> 00:46:03,738 that you put in the sink and they get bigger. 1013 00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:05,438 -[laughter] -Oh, amazing. 1014 00:46:05,505 --> 00:46:07,405 And then, is this what I think it is? 1015 00:46:07,471 --> 00:46:09,338 Is this the Dutchman's key? 1016 00:46:09,405 --> 00:46:10,471 [Casey vomits] 1017 00:46:10,538 --> 00:46:13,071 -Oh, my goodness! Yes, it is. -[laughter, applause] 1018 00:46:13,138 --> 00:46:16,805 It was in his mouth the entire time. 1019 00:46:17,771 --> 00:46:18,938 Trick or treat. 1020 00:46:19,538 --> 00:46:21,738 [Tony] Wow, what an honor. 1021 00:46:21,805 --> 00:46:23,371 [crowd exclaims in disgust] 1022 00:46:23,438 --> 00:46:26,438 The dinosaur pills are sticking to my hands. 1023 00:46:26,505 --> 00:46:27,438 [laughter] 1024 00:46:27,505 --> 00:46:29,071 [Casey] I pre-wet them for you. 1025 00:46:29,138 --> 00:46:30,038 I pre-wet them. 1026 00:46:30,105 --> 00:46:31,905 -[laughter] -Unbelievable. 1027 00:46:31,971 --> 00:46:33,771 Casey, I am so grateful. 1028 00:46:33,838 --> 00:46:37,071 It really is blood in, blood out, and I hope you stay in forever. 1029 00:46:37,138 --> 00:46:39,305 Good luck with the Paddington Bear reboot… 1030 00:46:39,371 --> 00:46:42,138 -Thanks. Thank you, guys. -…with everything he does. 1031 00:46:42,205 --> 00:46:45,138 That is Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. 1032 00:46:45,205 --> 00:46:46,205 [cheers, applause] 1033 00:46:46,271 --> 00:46:48,271 Everyone seems very excited. 1034 00:46:49,205 --> 00:46:51,805 Casey Rocket. Absolutely. 1035 00:46:51,871 --> 00:46:53,071 The Crab Man! 1036 00:46:53,871 --> 00:46:56,438 Tony, I don't want to leave this party, I'm having a great time, 1037 00:46:56,505 --> 00:46:59,571 but I just want to check on my homie, Big Balls. 1038 00:46:59,638 --> 00:47:01,871 -Um… [loud laugh] Big balls. No. -[laughter] 1039 00:47:01,938 --> 00:47:05,671 He's going through the Kill Tony books. I want to check on him real quick. 1040 00:47:05,738 --> 00:47:07,405 -Yeah. -So, um… 1041 00:47:07,471 --> 00:47:09,005 My liege, adieu. 1042 00:47:09,071 --> 00:47:11,071 -Goodbye, Mr. President. -[laughter] 1043 00:47:11,138 --> 00:47:13,571 There he goes, Elon Musk, ladies and gentlemen. 1044 00:47:13,638 --> 00:47:17,705 -Wow. How awesome was that. -[applause] 1045 00:47:18,671 --> 00:47:19,771 We have an empty seat 1046 00:47:19,838 --> 00:47:23,438 and what's cool is that we're here in Austin, Texas, 1047 00:47:23,505 --> 00:47:26,471 the comedy capital of the world, 1048 00:47:26,538 --> 00:47:28,605 and so, luckily, 1049 00:47:28,671 --> 00:47:31,905 there's another great comedian right behind that curtain. 1050 00:47:31,971 --> 00:47:34,638 Ladies and gentlemen, joining us for the remainder of the show, 1051 00:47:34,705 --> 00:47:36,238 one of the best in the world, 1052 00:47:36,305 --> 00:47:39,238 -make some noise for Tom Segura. -[upbeat funky music playing] 1053 00:47:39,305 --> 00:47:41,005 [cheers, applause] 1054 00:47:41,071 --> 00:47:42,638 Oh, yeah, baby. 1055 00:47:45,305 --> 00:47:48,905 Bad Thoughts coming out May 13th. 1056 00:47:51,105 --> 00:47:53,171 Fuck yeah. Welcome, Tom. 1057 00:47:56,071 --> 00:47:59,838 Tom Segura has joined the party. 1058 00:47:59,905 --> 00:48:02,371 Are we having a good fucking time tonight or what? 1059 00:48:02,438 --> 00:48:03,871 [cheering] 1060 00:48:03,938 --> 00:48:06,471 All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, 1061 00:48:06,538 --> 00:48:09,771 goes by the name of Matty Stu, everyone. 1062 00:48:09,838 --> 00:48:13,571 -Matty Stu is next. -[funky music continues] 1063 00:48:15,238 --> 00:48:18,271 Ooh, la. One more time for Matty Stu, everyone. 1064 00:48:18,338 --> 00:48:20,405 [cheers, applause] 1065 00:48:22,338 --> 00:48:27,271 Uh… [clears throat] My brother just came out as non-binary. 1066 00:48:28,305 --> 00:48:31,271 [clears throat] Says he's not my brother or my sister. 1067 00:48:31,338 --> 00:48:32,705 [laughter] 1068 00:48:33,138 --> 00:48:34,105 Tell you what, pal, 1069 00:48:34,171 --> 00:48:36,605 you're definitely not hot enough to be my cousin. 1070 00:48:36,671 --> 00:48:38,305 [applause] 1071 00:48:38,371 --> 00:48:41,905 Also, very funny to come out as non-binary and also be unemployed. 1072 00:48:42,638 --> 00:48:45,771 Who the fuck was gonna call you sir or ma'am anyways? 1073 00:48:45,838 --> 00:48:48,771 -[laughter] -You're in the "Hey, you" tax bracket. 1074 00:48:49,505 --> 00:48:51,171 Probably where you're gonna stay. 1075 00:48:51,238 --> 00:48:53,671 My dad, he's losing it, too. He called me the other day. 1076 00:48:53,738 --> 00:48:56,871 He goes, "I don't know, Matty. I'm starting to forget things." 1077 00:48:56,938 --> 00:48:59,738 "I think I have early-onset dementia." 1078 00:49:00,671 --> 00:49:02,238 Motherfucker, you're 78. 1079 00:49:03,671 --> 00:49:05,338 This is on-time dementia. 1080 00:49:05,405 --> 00:49:06,771 [laughter] 1081 00:49:06,838 --> 00:49:08,438 Right on schedule. 1082 00:49:09,971 --> 00:49:12,271 Uh, the US Army just announced 1083 00:49:12,338 --> 00:49:17,071 that they're changing the red dots on the rifle sights to green. 1084 00:49:17,805 --> 00:49:19,205 Red dots are green now. 1085 00:49:20,371 --> 00:49:22,938 Makes you think we might be going to war with India. 1086 00:49:23,005 --> 00:49:25,005 -[laughter] -[meow plays] 1087 00:49:30,371 --> 00:49:33,571 Very good, Matty Stu. Have you been on this show before? 1088 00:49:33,638 --> 00:49:35,505 Long time ago. Like three and a half years ago. 1089 00:49:35,571 --> 00:49:36,971 Long time ago. Welcome back. 1090 00:49:37,038 --> 00:49:39,971 That was a very fun set. How long you been doing standup? 1091 00:49:40,038 --> 00:49:41,538 -About four years. -Four years. 1092 00:49:41,605 --> 00:49:43,371 -All of it here in Texas? -Right. 1093 00:49:43,438 --> 00:49:45,005 I love it. So you're from here? 1094 00:49:45,071 --> 00:49:48,338 No, but I've been living here for about four years. Yeah. 1095 00:49:48,405 --> 00:49:49,905 Where were you at before that? 1096 00:49:49,971 --> 00:49:52,871 I was in the Navy, actually. Got out and moved. 1097 00:49:52,938 --> 00:49:56,638 Based on your hair, I thought you were from 10th century England. 1098 00:49:56,705 --> 00:49:58,838 [laughter] 1099 00:49:58,905 --> 00:50:00,571 You've got the hair of a peasant. 1100 00:50:00,638 --> 00:50:02,071 [laughter] 1101 00:50:03,538 --> 00:50:06,038 [Tony] That is the President of the-- 1102 00:50:06,105 --> 00:50:07,805 I don't know what you're laughing at, sir. 1103 00:50:07,871 --> 00:50:09,671 That's fucking right. 1104 00:50:09,738 --> 00:50:11,405 [laughter] 1105 00:50:11,471 --> 00:50:14,905 Holy shit, we got a real life He-Man action figure 1106 00:50:14,971 --> 00:50:17,138 in the front row. Look at this fucking guy. 1107 00:50:17,205 --> 00:50:20,371 Has he been there the whole time? That's fucking crazy. 1108 00:50:20,438 --> 00:50:22,838 [laughter] 1109 00:50:22,905 --> 00:50:25,138 Matty Stu, welcome. 1110 00:50:25,205 --> 00:50:28,105 What do you do for work, looking the way you look? 1111 00:50:28,171 --> 00:50:31,171 Well, I usually wear a hat, but I do… I mow lawns. 1112 00:50:31,238 --> 00:50:33,771 -Yeah, that makes sense. -[Tom] Checks out, 1,000%. 1113 00:50:33,838 --> 00:50:36,571 [Matty] They're not coming for our jobs anymore. I'm holding it down. 1114 00:50:36,638 --> 00:50:39,205 You're exactly right. Now that we're getting them back out, 1115 00:50:39,271 --> 00:50:41,505 we're going to need a lot more guys like you. 1116 00:50:41,571 --> 00:50:43,305 -White trash. -[laughter] 1117 00:50:43,371 --> 00:50:46,538 White trash, you're back to cutting lawns. I know you missed it. 1118 00:50:47,038 --> 00:50:49,038 And we're making sure you're back. 1119 00:50:49,905 --> 00:50:51,638 We salute you very much. 1120 00:50:51,705 --> 00:50:53,405 [laughter] 1121 00:50:57,505 --> 00:50:59,305 Matty, tell us more about your life. 1122 00:50:59,371 --> 00:51:01,771 What would we be surprised to know about you? 1123 00:51:02,871 --> 00:51:06,305 With a haircut like that, I bet you have some wild stuff. 1124 00:51:06,371 --> 00:51:08,838 Something must have happened to you at some point. 1125 00:51:08,905 --> 00:51:09,938 [laughter] 1126 00:51:10,005 --> 00:51:10,838 Well, I… 1127 00:51:11,971 --> 00:51:14,105 I do a sex move called the ballcuzzi. 1128 00:51:14,171 --> 00:51:16,771 -[Tony] Ah, okay. -I know that's not what you asked, 1129 00:51:16,838 --> 00:51:20,005 -but that's the answer. -Sure, I'll take it. How does that work? 1130 00:51:20,071 --> 00:51:22,671 Well, you kind of, you heat up like a bowl of water. 1131 00:51:22,738 --> 00:51:24,371 Well, a mug, really, for me. 1132 00:51:24,438 --> 00:51:26,905 And to a simmer, not a boil, 1133 00:51:26,971 --> 00:51:30,971 'cause the next thing, you dump your nuts in, 1134 00:51:31,038 --> 00:51:33,405 and then she grabs a straw 1135 00:51:33,905 --> 00:51:35,771 and blows bubbles like a hot tub. 1136 00:51:35,838 --> 00:51:37,238 [laughter] 1137 00:51:39,638 --> 00:51:41,405 Ball koozie, that's it. 1138 00:51:41,471 --> 00:51:43,538 -[laughter] -And you like that? 1139 00:51:43,605 --> 00:51:45,738 Yeah, it's more of a foreplay move. 1140 00:51:46,405 --> 00:51:49,238 It's not a finisher. It's not a finisher by any means. 1141 00:51:49,305 --> 00:51:51,205 -[laughter] -Wow. 1142 00:51:52,305 --> 00:51:54,638 -Very interesting. -Opposite of the ice bucket. 1143 00:51:54,705 --> 00:51:56,705 It loosens… I don't know what it does. 1144 00:51:57,438 --> 00:52:00,205 Interesting. And do you have a steady girlfriend, 1145 00:52:00,271 --> 00:52:03,038 or is this a thing you use just on one night stands? 1146 00:52:03,105 --> 00:52:05,938 I have a beautiful lady in my life, three years. Yeah. 1147 00:52:06,005 --> 00:52:07,971 -We live together. It's been good. -Wow. 1148 00:52:08,038 --> 00:52:11,005 She's the only one blowing bubbles for these balls. [laughs] 1149 00:52:11,071 --> 00:52:12,705 -That makes sense. -[applause] 1150 00:52:12,771 --> 00:52:14,771 I can only imagine. 1151 00:52:14,838 --> 00:52:16,305 What does she do for work? 1152 00:52:16,371 --> 00:52:23,005 She's like a marketing onboarding for an at-home care facility. 1153 00:52:23,071 --> 00:52:24,738 Much… Pretty honorable work. 1154 00:52:24,805 --> 00:52:26,338 [Tony] And you're out mowing. 1155 00:52:26,405 --> 00:52:29,938 How many hours a day do you spend mowing lawns? 1156 00:52:30,538 --> 00:52:32,538 -Till the sun goes down, Tony. -[Tony] Really? 1157 00:52:32,605 --> 00:52:35,371 I'm out there pushing. It's me. I don't have a team. 1158 00:52:35,938 --> 00:52:37,305 -[Tony] You don't have a team? -No. 1159 00:52:37,371 --> 00:52:39,571 -[Tony] It's you with a push mower? -That's right. 1160 00:52:39,638 --> 00:52:42,271 -You don't have a riding lawn mower? -I don't. 1161 00:52:42,338 --> 00:52:44,038 We're working up to that. It's… 1162 00:52:44,105 --> 00:52:46,871 [Tom] Did you do the hair before you started doing that 1163 00:52:46,938 --> 00:52:48,771 -Or no? -[Matty] No, I… 1164 00:52:48,838 --> 00:52:52,471 -They made me take the hat off. -Okay. But you started with hair… 1165 00:52:52,538 --> 00:52:54,838 Your hair was like this when you started mowing lawns? 1166 00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:56,838 -Yeah. -[Tom] Wow. 1167 00:52:56,905 --> 00:52:58,071 [laughter] 1168 00:52:58,571 --> 00:52:59,405 [Tom] It fits. 1169 00:52:59,471 --> 00:53:00,638 -It's good. -Thank you. 1170 00:53:01,571 --> 00:53:04,571 It's very interesting. Have you thought about getting a riding lawn… 1171 00:53:04,638 --> 00:53:06,505 Like, I mean, is that a big desire? 1172 00:53:06,571 --> 00:53:08,705 It's what we're working up to. That's the next big… 1173 00:53:08,771 --> 00:53:10,871 -Is it your company? -Yeah. 1174 00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:12,671 Matty Mows, baby. Come on. 1175 00:53:12,738 --> 00:53:14,338 [audience cheering] 1176 00:53:14,405 --> 00:53:15,238 What's up? 1177 00:53:15,738 --> 00:53:17,005 -What's up? -[Donald] And… 1178 00:53:17,405 --> 00:53:18,971 now that the Mexicans are gone, 1179 00:53:19,038 --> 00:53:22,805 we're gonna get a lot of riding mowers because the fat whites are back. 1180 00:53:22,871 --> 00:53:23,705 [Matty] Come on. 1181 00:53:23,771 --> 00:53:26,205 We're not gonna walk. Frankly, we refuse to walk. 1182 00:53:26,971 --> 00:53:30,338 -A lot of riding mowers. -We'll be sipping Bud Light when we do it. 1183 00:53:30,405 --> 00:53:32,471 We are gonna have Bud Light. You're right. 1184 00:53:32,538 --> 00:53:33,371 [Matty laughs] 1185 00:53:33,438 --> 00:53:35,438 -Come on, now. -[Trump] Great plug, dude. 1186 00:53:35,505 --> 00:53:37,471 -You're doing great. -[Matty] Thank you. 1187 00:53:38,271 --> 00:53:39,371 Appreciate it. 1188 00:53:40,571 --> 00:53:43,205 And Matty Mows is a local Austin company? 1189 00:53:43,271 --> 00:53:45,671 That's right. You grow, we mow it, baby. [laughs] 1190 00:53:45,738 --> 00:53:46,571 [Tony] Wow. 1191 00:53:46,638 --> 00:53:49,038 -I just made that up now. -[Trump] Very clever. 1192 00:53:49,538 --> 00:53:51,038 We might have to go with that. 1193 00:53:52,238 --> 00:53:53,905 [Matty] Veteran-owned and Mowed is what I… 1194 00:53:53,971 --> 00:53:56,105 [Tony] Do you have a website? How can people find you? 1195 00:53:56,171 --> 00:53:58,571 Brick and mortar. I put flyers around town. 1196 00:53:58,638 --> 00:54:01,571 But how could people, if they were, say, watching the show, 1197 00:54:01,638 --> 00:54:04,338 they're not gonna track down your flyer. How can they find you? 1198 00:54:04,405 --> 00:54:06,305 Unfortunately, the marketing is not that far. 1199 00:54:06,371 --> 00:54:07,971 You'll have to get my number outside 1200 00:54:08,038 --> 00:54:10,038 -after the show. [chuckles] -[Tony] Wow! 1201 00:54:10,105 --> 00:54:11,605 We're keeping it traditional. 1202 00:54:11,671 --> 00:54:13,005 No website, no nothing. 1203 00:54:13,071 --> 00:54:14,405 Instagram, Twitter? 1204 00:54:15,038 --> 00:54:17,905 I got an Instagram, but we don't post the mowing on there. 1205 00:54:17,971 --> 00:54:19,271 That's more of the comedy. 1206 00:54:19,338 --> 00:54:21,071 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 1207 00:54:21,138 --> 00:54:22,438 -Yeah. Tom. -Hold the fuck on. 1208 00:54:23,105 --> 00:54:25,171 How about right now, just fucking say it, 1209 00:54:25,238 --> 00:54:26,071 and then do it 1210 00:54:26,138 --> 00:54:27,938 -right after the fucking show? -[man] Yeah. 1211 00:54:28,005 --> 00:54:31,371 Yeah, okay, so go to mattymows-dot… 1212 00:54:31,438 --> 00:54:33,371 [all laughing] 1213 00:54:34,138 --> 00:54:35,138 Bro, no, you got it. 1214 00:54:35,205 --> 00:54:37,871 -Maybe like-- -[Matty] Mattymows.cum. 1215 00:54:39,171 --> 00:54:41,505 How about like mattymowsatx.com? 1216 00:54:41,571 --> 00:54:43,471 [Matty] Mattymowsatx.com and… 1217 00:54:43,538 --> 00:54:46,305 No, there's not a chance that's taken. Just take that. 1218 00:54:46,371 --> 00:54:48,205 -Yeah. -[audience laughing] 1219 00:54:48,271 --> 00:54:51,105 Um, I'm also a door guy at the Sunset Strip. 1220 00:54:51,171 --> 00:54:52,871 -[Tony] Nice. All right. -I work up there. 1221 00:54:52,938 --> 00:54:55,538 Well, I do believe your landscaping company is 1222 00:54:55,605 --> 00:54:57,805 about to blow up. So congratulations. 1223 00:54:57,871 --> 00:54:59,938 I would definitely get that… 1224 00:55:00,005 --> 00:55:02,571 [Matty] You guys got along. It's gonna take a long time. 1225 00:55:02,638 --> 00:55:05,805 I know you guys make a lot of money. I just have a pusher, but… 1226 00:55:06,505 --> 00:55:07,505 If you need someone. 1227 00:55:08,071 --> 00:55:09,871 -All right, I'm sorry. -There you go. 1228 00:55:09,938 --> 00:55:10,905 [audience laughing] 1229 00:55:10,971 --> 00:55:12,005 Too much? 1230 00:55:12,071 --> 00:55:14,071 [Tony] Matty Stu, congratulations. 1231 00:55:14,138 --> 00:55:16,505 Fun times. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. 1232 00:55:16,571 --> 00:55:18,571 [audience cheering] 1233 00:55:23,005 --> 00:55:24,605 We're having fun here tonight. 1234 00:55:26,771 --> 00:55:29,305 [Trump] And at one point during that… excuse me, excuse me. 1235 00:55:29,371 --> 00:55:30,438 Yeah. 1236 00:55:30,505 --> 00:55:32,505 [audience cheering] 1237 00:55:35,505 --> 00:55:39,971 I witnessed a Latino gentleman here offer to make his website, 1238 00:55:40,038 --> 00:55:42,405 and incredible, frankly, 1239 00:55:42,471 --> 00:55:46,405 that we have Mexicans making websites for white landscapers. 1240 00:55:47,405 --> 00:55:48,871 What a great country. 1241 00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:51,305 We love this country. 1242 00:55:51,971 --> 00:55:52,805 [chuckles] 1243 00:55:53,838 --> 00:55:57,238 It is incredible, the American dream happening here. 1244 00:55:57,305 --> 00:56:01,438 Speaking of which, we have another regular ready to go. 1245 00:56:01,505 --> 00:56:03,238 Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, 1246 00:56:03,305 --> 00:56:06,271 I mean, again, these guys have a different role 1247 00:56:06,338 --> 00:56:07,738 than all these bucket pulls. 1248 00:56:07,805 --> 00:56:09,938 They write and perform a brand-new minute every week. 1249 00:56:10,005 --> 00:56:13,571 This guy misses less shows than pretty much anybody. 1250 00:56:14,071 --> 00:56:16,705 A freak of nature from Orlando, Florida. 1251 00:56:16,771 --> 00:56:18,638 This is Kam Patterson. 1252 00:56:18,705 --> 00:56:20,705 [audience cheering] 1253 00:56:28,971 --> 00:56:31,838 I've realized some people shouldn't be parents, 1254 00:56:31,905 --> 00:56:35,271 and when I say that, I mean my father. He shouldn't have kids. 1255 00:56:35,338 --> 00:56:38,171 I knew he shouldn't have kids. By the way, he gave me the sex-ed talk. 1256 00:56:38,238 --> 00:56:40,438 I was 12 years old, in the seventh grade. 1257 00:56:40,505 --> 00:56:44,305 This girl hit me up, said, "Hey, Kam, I want you to come and fuck me." Right? 1258 00:56:44,371 --> 00:56:46,005 And she was also 12, by the way. 1259 00:56:46,071 --> 00:56:48,738 It wasn't no grown bitch like, "Let me suck your dick, little boy." 1260 00:56:48,805 --> 00:56:50,571 It was another 12-year-old, 1261 00:56:50,638 --> 00:56:52,905 but she lived too far away for me to ride my bike there, 1262 00:56:52,971 --> 00:56:54,571 I couldn't walk over that motherfucker. 1263 00:56:54,638 --> 00:56:57,471 So I decided to call the person I knew with a car, 1264 00:56:57,538 --> 00:56:58,671 which was my father. 1265 00:56:58,738 --> 00:57:00,638 I was like, "Hey, pops, girl wants to fuck me." 1266 00:57:00,705 --> 00:57:04,371 -"Can you take me to her house?" -And then he went, "I'm on the way." And… 1267 00:57:04,971 --> 00:57:09,071 He took a 12-year-old to go fuck another 12-year-old. 1268 00:57:09,138 --> 00:57:13,005 I don't know what that is, but it has to be illegal in most states, right? 1269 00:57:13,071 --> 00:57:14,371 We got there, he was like, 1270 00:57:14,438 --> 00:57:17,005 "Before you fuck her, put this condom on your dick." 1271 00:57:17,071 --> 00:57:18,405 "Have a good time, nigga." 1272 00:57:18,471 --> 00:57:21,138 And I went inside, and 15 minutes went by, 1273 00:57:21,205 --> 00:57:24,505 I called him, I said, "Hey, pops, I'm ready. Come back and get me." 1274 00:57:24,571 --> 00:57:27,038 And he went, "I never left." [scoffs] 1275 00:57:28,071 --> 00:57:31,271 "I've been here the whole time. Bring your ass outside." 1276 00:57:31,338 --> 00:57:33,238 "I knew it was gonna be quick." Right? 1277 00:57:34,705 --> 00:57:37,705 And then I get outside and he goes, "Did you fuck her?" 1278 00:57:37,771 --> 00:57:39,271 And I'm like, "No." 1279 00:57:39,771 --> 00:57:41,038 "We 12." 1280 00:57:42,005 --> 00:57:44,438 "We kissed a little bit, then I came in my pants, 1281 00:57:44,505 --> 00:57:47,105 and now I'm back in the car with you." Right? 1282 00:57:47,171 --> 00:57:50,438 And then he said, "I knew you weren't ready, you bitch." 1283 00:57:50,505 --> 00:57:51,871 And then he drove off. 1284 00:57:51,938 --> 00:57:54,505 That was the sex-ed talk from my father, dawg. 1285 00:57:54,571 --> 00:57:57,471 The funny thing is, I watched him give my little sister the sex-ed talk, 1286 00:57:57,538 --> 00:57:58,671 it was totally different. 1287 00:57:58,738 --> 00:58:00,938 We'd get ready for high school, my dad says, "Hey, 1288 00:58:01,005 --> 00:58:04,205 you're gonna be fucking and shit, I just want y'all to be safe." 1289 00:58:04,271 --> 00:58:07,505 And he pulls out two… A lifestyle, and he pulled out a Magnum. 1290 00:58:07,571 --> 00:58:10,971 He said, "The guy pull his pants down, got a little dick, take this Lifestyle, 1291 00:58:11,038 --> 00:58:12,871 try to have a good time." Right? 1292 00:58:12,938 --> 00:58:14,938 "If the guy pull his pants down, he got a big dick, 1293 00:58:15,005 --> 00:58:17,038 you take this magnum, you throw it out the window, 1294 00:58:17,105 --> 00:58:19,105 you give him the best ride of his life." 1295 00:58:19,805 --> 00:58:22,205 "I'm trying to get big dicks back in the family." 1296 00:58:24,238 --> 00:58:26,438 And then I thought back to when I was 12. 1297 00:58:26,505 --> 00:58:28,805 He gave me a Lifestyle, man. 1298 00:58:30,271 --> 00:58:32,071 I'm Kam Patterson, thank y'all so much. 1299 00:58:35,005 --> 00:58:37,371 What the fuck… [chuckles] 1300 00:58:41,338 --> 00:58:42,605 Wassup?! 1301 00:58:44,371 --> 00:58:46,138 -You've done it again. -[Kam] We doin' it. 1302 00:58:46,205 --> 00:58:50,171 And I love that your dad's part of this material. 1303 00:58:50,238 --> 00:58:51,738 We all know Kenny very well. 1304 00:58:51,805 --> 00:58:52,838 -Yeah. -He's the man. 1305 00:58:52,905 --> 00:58:55,705 Probably one of our favorite fucking family members. 1306 00:58:55,771 --> 00:58:57,405 He's a fucking psychopath, dawg. 1307 00:58:57,471 --> 00:58:59,171 He is the best. 1308 00:58:59,238 --> 00:59:00,705 My legs are shaking. 1309 00:59:00,771 --> 00:59:02,105 I want you to know that. 1310 00:59:02,171 --> 00:59:03,738 -They are? -Like a little bitch. 1311 00:59:04,405 --> 00:59:05,471 Like a motherfucker. 1312 00:59:05,538 --> 00:59:06,971 I'm having a good time. 1313 00:59:07,038 --> 00:59:08,505 Kam, next time you tell the joke, 1314 00:59:08,571 --> 00:59:11,605 -change the age to a little higher. -[Kam chuckles] 1315 00:59:11,671 --> 00:59:13,471 -Because-- -I was 12. 1316 00:59:14,305 --> 00:59:15,671 It doesn't matter. 1317 00:59:16,305 --> 00:59:17,171 She was 12. 1318 00:59:17,238 --> 00:59:20,671 Yes, this makes your father look like a real pedophile. 1319 00:59:20,738 --> 00:59:21,938 [Kam chuckles] 1320 00:59:22,005 --> 00:59:23,171 He's a good guy. 1321 00:59:23,238 --> 00:59:25,905 -That is not good. That is bad. -Psychopath, but a good guy. 1322 00:59:25,971 --> 00:59:27,671 -[Kam] I was really-- -That is bad. 1323 00:59:28,671 --> 00:59:30,705 It's bad to want your son to have pussy? 1324 00:59:31,238 --> 00:59:32,738 -Yes. -[Kam] Okay. 1325 00:59:32,805 --> 00:59:33,805 When he's 12. Yes. 1326 00:59:33,871 --> 00:59:36,338 We waited till Barron was eight feet tall before… 1327 00:59:36,405 --> 00:59:37,605 [laughing] 1328 00:59:37,671 --> 00:59:41,505 …his first piece of pussy, and it was Sabrina Carpenter. 1329 00:59:41,571 --> 00:59:43,971 -I said, "Sabrina, get in here." -[Kam laughs] 1330 00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:45,838 "You gotta suck Barron's…" 1331 00:59:47,338 --> 00:59:48,271 Barron… 1332 00:59:48,338 --> 00:59:51,805 Baron's penis is 18 inches long, he's… 1333 00:59:52,938 --> 00:59:54,005 from Middle-earth, 1334 00:59:54,071 --> 00:59:56,571 and we found him in Middle-earth, and he's been doing great. 1335 00:59:56,638 --> 00:59:57,871 We love Barron. 1336 00:59:57,938 --> 00:59:59,305 -[Kam] That's dope. -Barron. 1337 01:00:01,171 --> 01:00:03,005 You said Sabrina Carpenter? 1338 01:00:03,071 --> 01:00:04,171 I will fuck that lady. 1339 01:00:05,205 --> 01:00:07,905 I would. We're on Netflix. I would fuck you, ma'am, 1340 01:00:07,971 --> 01:00:10,071 if you're cool with that. I'd like to fuck. 1341 01:00:10,138 --> 01:00:12,405 If I could shoot my shot at that, that's the real here. 1342 01:00:12,471 --> 01:00:15,005 Sabrina Carpenter, I would like to fuck you, ma'am. 1343 01:00:15,071 --> 01:00:16,338 -Yes. Yeah -[audience cheering] 1344 01:00:16,405 --> 01:00:17,671 Yeah. 1345 01:00:18,171 --> 01:00:19,305 Hello? 1346 01:00:19,371 --> 01:00:21,938 -[audience laughing] -What's up, white bitch? Hello. 1347 01:00:23,271 --> 01:00:24,438 -This is good. -Almost had it, 1348 01:00:24,505 --> 01:00:26,438 -and then you blew it right there. -[Kam laughs] 1349 01:00:26,938 --> 01:00:28,138 Almost had it. 1350 01:00:30,238 --> 01:00:31,171 Incredible. 1351 01:00:31,238 --> 01:00:33,238 Kam, what else is going on in life? 1352 01:00:33,305 --> 01:00:34,405 We see you every week. 1353 01:00:34,471 --> 01:00:36,305 It's always good to get an update. 1354 01:00:36,371 --> 01:00:38,338 But I went back home. 1355 01:00:38,405 --> 01:00:40,571 -Last weekend I had shows in Orlando… -[Tony] Uh-huh. 1356 01:00:40,638 --> 01:00:43,171 …that shit was dope. Uh, life is different now. 1357 01:00:43,238 --> 01:00:45,805 It's weird going back home. I got two different friends. 1358 01:00:45,871 --> 01:00:48,605 My mama stays in the suburbs. My dad stays in the hood. 1359 01:00:48,671 --> 01:00:50,805 So, when my friends collide, it's strange. 1360 01:00:50,871 --> 01:00:52,138 I got a homeboy that's a cop. 1361 01:00:52,205 --> 01:00:54,071 And I don't like that at all. 1362 01:00:54,138 --> 01:00:57,171 And I got a bunch of homeboys, they don't sell drugs, we're on Netflix. 1363 01:00:57,238 --> 01:00:58,805 But they drive trucks and… 1364 01:00:58,871 --> 01:01:00,638 [audience laughing] 1365 01:01:00,705 --> 01:01:02,938 They're truck drivers and they're good at it. 1366 01:01:03,005 --> 01:01:06,105 And like some of the best I've ever seen in my life, really. 1367 01:01:06,171 --> 01:01:07,105 And… 1368 01:01:07,171 --> 01:01:11,005 The cop was like, "I can arrest everybody in here right now, dawg." 1369 01:01:11,071 --> 01:01:13,505 And what scared me is he's told me something. 1370 01:01:13,571 --> 01:01:15,971 "I'm getting ready to be undercover soon." 1371 01:01:16,038 --> 01:01:18,305 And I told my homeboy, "You see that, nigga?" 1372 01:01:18,371 --> 01:01:20,238 "Get a good look at his face, dawg, 1373 01:01:21,105 --> 01:01:22,138 he the police." 1374 01:01:22,838 --> 01:01:25,005 That is incredible. This is a Black guy? 1375 01:01:25,071 --> 01:01:26,471 No, he's white. He's white. 1376 01:01:26,538 --> 01:01:27,605 Your homey is white? 1377 01:01:27,671 --> 01:01:28,971 All of them. 1378 01:01:29,038 --> 01:01:30,138 Wait… 1379 01:01:30,205 --> 01:01:32,505 [Kam] No, I'm lying, nigga Black. The fuck… 1380 01:01:32,571 --> 01:01:33,671 [dramatic music plays] 1381 01:01:34,138 --> 01:01:35,405 What the fuck was that, Redban? 1382 01:01:35,471 --> 01:01:37,305 -Nobody knows. -What kind of sound was that, 1383 01:01:37,371 --> 01:01:38,371 you fucking retard? 1384 01:01:38,438 --> 01:01:41,038 -That was crazy. -Dramatic chipmunk. 1385 01:01:41,738 --> 01:01:42,605 Okay. 1386 01:01:43,805 --> 01:01:44,905 Ah… 1387 01:01:45,405 --> 01:01:47,905 -Interesting. -What the fuck is going on, man? 1388 01:01:48,605 --> 01:01:50,505 -[Tony] Everything's good. -Great. 1389 01:01:50,571 --> 01:01:53,771 Kam, you had another great set that was two minutes long. 1390 01:01:53,838 --> 01:01:54,705 [Kam] Yeah. 1391 01:01:54,771 --> 01:01:58,838 Only the regulars get to go longer than a minute and you do it every single week. 1392 01:01:58,905 --> 01:02:01,538 What's your process? Where do you come up with this stuff? 1393 01:02:01,605 --> 01:02:04,405 I wake up every Monday and I pray to God I have a minute. 1394 01:02:04,471 --> 01:02:05,805 -That's it. -[audience laughs] 1395 01:02:05,871 --> 01:02:07,205 -[Tony] Stop. -Most days I do not. 1396 01:02:07,271 --> 01:02:08,871 Most days I'm shittin' and I go, 1397 01:02:08,938 --> 01:02:11,038 "That should be funny," and it's not funny. 1398 01:02:11,105 --> 01:02:12,338 Sometimes it's bullshit, 1399 01:02:12,405 --> 01:02:15,505 and I go out and say, "Nigga" a lot, and it works a little bit. 1400 01:02:15,571 --> 01:02:17,771 -[audience laughs] -That's the great strategy I have. 1401 01:02:17,838 --> 01:02:21,205 Come out and say "Nigga" off the dribble, and they go… That's all. 1402 01:02:22,271 --> 01:02:23,405 See it's working now. 1403 01:02:23,471 --> 01:02:25,471 [Trump] We love that. That's very fun for us. 1404 01:02:25,538 --> 01:02:26,538 [laughs] 1405 01:02:27,138 --> 01:02:28,738 We're not allowed to say it yet, 1406 01:02:28,805 --> 01:02:32,105 but we've got a new bill we're working on and… 1407 01:02:32,171 --> 01:02:34,171 [audience laughing] 1408 01:02:36,638 --> 01:02:38,505 There's been a mandate from the fat whites. 1409 01:02:38,571 --> 01:02:39,805 We want to say it again. 1410 01:02:41,071 --> 01:02:43,171 The fat whites are tired of not saying it. 1411 01:02:43,705 --> 01:02:44,605 No. 1412 01:02:45,338 --> 01:02:46,238 No. [laughs] 1413 01:02:47,538 --> 01:02:48,605 [laughs] 1414 01:02:50,471 --> 01:02:52,471 Kam, we love you. 1415 01:02:52,538 --> 01:02:53,671 You've done it again. 1416 01:02:53,738 --> 01:02:54,638 You are the man. 1417 01:02:55,671 --> 01:02:59,438 Every week, Kam Patterson, an unstoppable force. 1418 01:02:59,505 --> 01:03:00,905 [audience cheering] 1419 01:03:00,971 --> 01:03:02,205 And it goes on and on. 1420 01:03:03,871 --> 01:03:06,705 We have another special treat, ladies and gentlemen. 1421 01:03:06,771 --> 01:03:09,438 one of the great friends of the show, 1422 01:03:09,505 --> 01:03:14,071 here to pop in just to grace us with his presence for a moment. 1423 01:03:14,138 --> 01:03:16,171 Make some noise for the one and only 1424 01:03:16,671 --> 01:03:20,438 the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross, everyone. 1425 01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:22,505 [audience cheering] 1426 01:03:33,805 --> 01:03:35,005 Holy shit! 1427 01:03:35,071 --> 01:03:36,838 What's up, Austin, Texas? 1428 01:03:36,905 --> 01:03:40,038 -[audience cheering] -This is all right. 1429 01:03:40,705 --> 01:03:42,171 Wow, man. 1430 01:03:42,238 --> 01:03:45,838 This is streaming live on Netflix right the fuck now. 1431 01:03:45,905 --> 01:03:47,671 -Fuck yeah! -Pretty cool, huh? 1432 01:03:48,271 --> 01:03:52,371 This is the most controversial thing to happen to streamings since R. Kelly. 1433 01:03:52,438 --> 01:03:54,138 [audience laughing] 1434 01:03:55,971 --> 01:03:58,738 Tony. I am so Proud Boy of you. 1435 01:03:58,805 --> 01:04:00,805 [audience laughing] 1436 01:04:02,671 --> 01:04:03,805 Everyone loves you. 1437 01:04:04,705 --> 01:04:08,105 This panel, you got the great Tom Segura, 1438 01:04:08,171 --> 01:04:10,971 my old pal from New York, President Trump, 1439 01:04:11,038 --> 01:04:12,905 his new secretary of steak, 1440 01:04:13,471 --> 01:04:14,571 Joe Rogan. 1441 01:04:14,638 --> 01:04:16,338 [audience laughing] 1442 01:04:16,405 --> 01:04:17,505 [Jeff chuckles] 1443 01:04:18,305 --> 01:04:20,038 I wasn't even supposed to be here. 1444 01:04:20,105 --> 01:04:22,705 The President put me on the text chain by accident. 1445 01:04:22,805 --> 01:04:24,005 [laughing] 1446 01:04:24,071 --> 01:04:25,838 Thank you for that, Mr. President. 1447 01:04:27,138 --> 01:04:28,105 Tony. 1448 01:04:29,171 --> 01:04:31,205 Tony, I can't believe all this, man. 1449 01:04:31,938 --> 01:04:34,638 You're even starting to talk like a Texan now. 1450 01:04:34,705 --> 01:04:36,938 You're always saying to Joe and his buddies, 1451 01:04:37,005 --> 01:04:38,971 "Y'all come on my back now, ya hear?" 1452 01:04:39,038 --> 01:04:40,371 [all laughing] 1453 01:04:43,971 --> 01:04:45,105 I'm kidding. 1454 01:04:45,171 --> 01:04:46,371 Tony's not gay. 1455 01:04:46,438 --> 01:04:47,805 He only sucks his own dick. 1456 01:04:47,871 --> 01:04:49,305 [all laughing] 1457 01:04:52,005 --> 01:04:53,171 That's not gay. 1458 01:04:54,438 --> 01:04:55,705 I love it so much. 1459 01:04:55,771 --> 01:04:57,238 Redban, congrats to you, too. 1460 01:04:57,305 --> 01:04:59,138 What a journey you guys had. 1461 01:04:59,205 --> 01:05:01,738 You've really gone far in this business, Brian, 1462 01:05:01,805 --> 01:05:05,471 especially looking like a sommelier for barbecue sauce. 1463 01:05:05,538 --> 01:05:07,538 [all laughing] 1464 01:05:10,105 --> 01:05:11,005 Thank you. 1465 01:05:14,305 --> 01:05:17,838 Tony, I'm so happy you got that big Netflix deal. 1466 01:05:17,905 --> 01:05:20,638 Don't spend it all at one belt buckle store, okay? 1467 01:05:23,205 --> 01:05:25,205 -Yeah. -[audience cheering] 1468 01:05:27,238 --> 01:05:29,338 Joe, I love this mothership club. 1469 01:05:29,405 --> 01:05:30,971 I love this club so much. 1470 01:05:31,038 --> 01:05:33,405 Thank you for building this. Sure. 1471 01:05:34,171 --> 01:05:36,071 [audience applauds, whistles] 1472 01:05:37,705 --> 01:05:42,205 Thank you for building this amazing temple of free speech, seriously. 1473 01:05:42,271 --> 01:05:44,471 And if your pal Elon, needs to use the men's room, 1474 01:05:44,538 --> 01:05:46,305 just tell them it's over there. 1475 01:05:46,371 --> 01:05:47,538 [audience laughing] 1476 01:05:47,605 --> 01:05:49,505 I love you, Kill Tony! 1477 01:05:49,571 --> 01:05:54,905 [Tony] Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross, ladies and gentlemen. 1478 01:05:56,771 --> 01:05:58,105 Hell, yeah! 1479 01:06:00,471 --> 01:06:03,305 Absolutely awesome. 1480 01:06:04,371 --> 01:06:07,905 We have another very special drop in back to back. 1481 01:06:08,538 --> 01:06:11,471 This guy's been a guest on this show before. 1482 01:06:12,571 --> 01:06:14,171 And I'm getting word 1483 01:06:14,238 --> 01:06:17,138 that he is here and ready to do a set. 1484 01:06:17,205 --> 01:06:19,605 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise 1485 01:06:19,671 --> 01:06:24,171 for the long awaited return of RFK Jr. 1486 01:06:24,238 --> 01:06:26,238 [audience cheering] 1487 01:06:37,738 --> 01:06:38,938 All right. 1488 01:06:41,171 --> 01:06:42,538 [audience cheering] 1489 01:06:42,605 --> 01:06:46,438 My wife, Cheryl Hines' pussy is so dry. 1490 01:06:46,505 --> 01:06:49,105 [audience laughing] 1491 01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:51,571 But if it could talk, it would sound like me. 1492 01:06:58,238 --> 01:07:00,338 It actually used to be very wet. 1493 01:07:01,138 --> 01:07:02,838 Cheryl Hines' pussy 1494 01:07:03,471 --> 01:07:05,305 was so big and wet, 1495 01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:08,371 my uncle Teddy drowned a hooker in it. 1496 01:07:12,238 --> 01:07:14,238 [audience laughing and cheering] 1497 01:07:18,905 --> 01:07:20,371 Speaking of pussies, 1498 01:07:20,438 --> 01:07:23,571 I see a lot of vaccinated people in the audience. 1499 01:07:25,738 --> 01:07:29,671 It looks like a goddamn Asperger's convention out there. 1500 01:07:31,438 --> 01:07:35,538 By the way, I should say, I know my face looks dark. 1501 01:07:35,605 --> 01:07:36,605 I promise 1502 01:07:36,671 --> 01:07:38,305 it's not Blackface. 1503 01:07:38,371 --> 01:07:42,971 I rub bear feces on it for exfoliation purposes. 1504 01:07:43,571 --> 01:07:45,305 So that's what that is. 1505 01:07:45,805 --> 01:07:48,805 My God, you people are fat here in Texas. 1506 01:07:50,471 --> 01:07:52,371 The elevator at my hotel 1507 01:07:52,971 --> 01:07:56,071 said maximum capacity 2000 lbs. 1508 01:07:56,605 --> 01:07:58,505 Could have just said one at a time. 1509 01:07:59,171 --> 01:08:00,271 Fat piece of… 1510 01:08:03,471 --> 01:08:05,105 Speaking of one at a time… 1511 01:08:05,605 --> 01:08:08,171 That's what Marilyn Monroe said 1512 01:08:08,238 --> 01:08:11,171 when my uncle and father tried to spit roast her. 1513 01:08:18,138 --> 01:08:20,038 I just heard a meow. 1514 01:08:20,105 --> 01:08:21,738 I actually know by that meow 1515 01:08:21,805 --> 01:08:24,638 that is an English long haired tabby cat. 1516 01:08:27,205 --> 01:08:30,838 It's the most delicious of the domesticated felines. 1517 01:08:31,738 --> 01:08:32,705 Anyway. That's it. 1518 01:08:32,771 --> 01:08:34,938 All right. What do you got for me, Tony? 1519 01:08:35,005 --> 01:08:38,438 -[audience cheering] -RFK Jr., ladies and gentlemen. 1520 01:08:39,538 --> 01:08:42,105 -I got to tell you-- -By the way, I should say, 1521 01:08:42,171 --> 01:08:44,938 if you are going to prepare the tabby cat, 1522 01:08:45,005 --> 01:08:47,404 it's very difficult to prepare it. 1523 01:08:47,471 --> 01:08:48,705 You have to boil them. 1524 01:08:48,771 --> 01:08:51,005 And it's gotta go in live like a lobster. 1525 01:08:51,071 --> 01:08:52,938 [Tony] You eat the cats? 1526 01:08:53,005 --> 01:08:55,105 Yeah, you eat… It's a delicious meat-- 1527 01:08:55,171 --> 01:08:57,371 They are eating cats. Yeah. They're eating. 1528 01:08:58,838 --> 01:09:00,671 I wasn't lying. They are. Now… 1529 01:09:01,238 --> 01:09:05,404 RFK is another member of my retarded team of Avengers. 1530 01:09:06,271 --> 01:09:09,471 I've gathered a gang of retarded guys, and we are taking over. 1531 01:09:09,538 --> 01:09:11,038 A lot like Kill Tony. 1532 01:09:12,205 --> 01:09:13,771 I've gathered retarded guys, 1533 01:09:13,838 --> 01:09:16,738 and we're in the highest office in the land. 1534 01:09:16,805 --> 01:09:18,205 We have no business being there, 1535 01:09:18,271 --> 01:09:22,638 much like this show has no business being on Netflix. 1536 01:09:22,705 --> 01:09:24,571 [audience laughing] 1537 01:09:24,638 --> 01:09:26,904 What a disgrace Netflix has become. 1538 01:09:26,971 --> 01:09:29,404 They just let any retarded guy on here. 1539 01:09:30,071 --> 01:09:33,071 Tires comes out soon. [laughs] 1540 01:09:35,538 --> 01:09:36,738 [Tony] It does. 1541 01:09:39,271 --> 01:09:40,771 June 5th… 1542 01:09:41,871 --> 01:09:43,371 on Netflix. 1543 01:09:43,438 --> 01:09:47,805 Season two of the funniest show, Tires. 1544 01:09:50,238 --> 01:09:53,105 By the way, I should let everybody know 1545 01:09:53,171 --> 01:09:57,305 that there is a minor measles outbreak in the building. 1546 01:09:59,338 --> 01:10:00,938 Don't panic. 1547 01:10:01,005 --> 01:10:04,205 The Netflix executives are vomiting profusely, 1548 01:10:04,271 --> 01:10:06,838 which is actually a good sign. 1549 01:10:06,905 --> 01:10:08,271 They're getting it out, so… 1550 01:10:08,338 --> 01:10:10,638 If you go home and you feel a little delirious, 1551 01:10:10,705 --> 01:10:13,805 just, you know, make some koala bone broth, 1552 01:10:13,871 --> 01:10:14,905 if you gotta. 1553 01:10:16,271 --> 01:10:20,071 Put some socks on your hands so you don't claw your eyes out. 1554 01:10:20,138 --> 01:10:22,971 I just wanna… You know, a public announcement. 1555 01:10:24,038 --> 01:10:28,338 The fans of the show absolutely loved your appearance 1556 01:10:28,405 --> 01:10:30,771 -as a guest on this show. -Thank you. 1557 01:10:30,838 --> 01:10:34,238 During that, you were drinking fermented bat urine. 1558 01:10:34,305 --> 01:10:36,771 It was fermented owl urine, actually. 1559 01:10:36,838 --> 01:10:40,538 Fermented bat urine will make you go blind if you have too much of it. 1560 01:10:40,605 --> 01:10:43,571 -[Tony laughs] -It's actually a very dangerous urine. 1561 01:10:43,638 --> 01:10:45,938 I've tasted all of the urines, 1562 01:10:46,005 --> 01:10:48,405 and the bat urine, trust me, is the worst one. 1563 01:10:48,471 --> 01:10:50,338 You don't wanna mess with that. 1564 01:10:50,405 --> 01:10:54,571 Now, the feces of a bat is actually quite good for you if you… 1565 01:10:55,205 --> 01:10:56,205 Get a load of that. 1566 01:10:56,805 --> 01:10:59,505 -[Tony] What does it do for you? -It's just good for… 1567 01:10:59,571 --> 01:11:02,538 You know, it's got the peptides in it, and… 1568 01:11:03,805 --> 01:11:05,305 it'll clear you out. 1569 01:11:07,205 --> 01:11:11,071 Anyway, I also have a delicious bat soup. 1570 01:11:11,138 --> 01:11:14,671 A lot of my recipes are in my cookbook, 1571 01:11:15,205 --> 01:11:19,671 BBQ-ing with RFK Jr., which is out now. 1572 01:11:19,738 --> 01:11:22,605 A lot of great recipes that you guys would probably enjoy. 1573 01:11:22,671 --> 01:11:24,905 [Tony] You have a new cookbook. 1574 01:11:24,971 --> 01:11:26,338 -We didn't know that. -Yeah. 1575 01:11:26,405 --> 01:11:28,871 You had a Christmas album the last time I saw you. 1576 01:11:28,938 --> 01:11:31,838 I try to push my merch on this show. 1577 01:11:31,905 --> 01:11:33,471 [Tony laughs] 1578 01:11:35,238 --> 01:11:39,405 Wow. RFK Jr. with one of the sets of the night. 1579 01:11:39,471 --> 01:11:40,671 Everything else is good? 1580 01:11:40,738 --> 01:11:43,771 Anything else we should know about you before letting you go? 1581 01:11:43,838 --> 01:11:47,538 I just I want to give a shout-out to my betrothed, 1582 01:11:48,538 --> 01:11:50,271 beloved Cheryl Hines. 1583 01:11:50,338 --> 01:11:51,371 [Tony laughs] 1584 01:11:51,438 --> 01:11:53,805 I wanna give a shout-out to her. Love you, baby. 1585 01:11:54,305 --> 01:11:55,405 [Tony] We love her. 1586 01:11:55,471 --> 01:11:58,671 You guys were on the show together once before at the LA Forum. 1587 01:11:58,738 --> 01:12:00,471 It's so good to have you back. 1588 01:12:01,238 --> 01:12:03,305 Um… RFK Jr. 1589 01:12:03,371 --> 01:12:05,405 -Thank you. -[RFK Jr.] Thank you all very much. 1590 01:12:05,471 --> 01:12:06,805 Watch out for the beast. 1591 01:12:06,871 --> 01:12:08,838 -[audience cheering] -Incredible. 1592 01:12:08,905 --> 01:12:10,338 We keep it moving along. 1593 01:12:12,405 --> 01:12:14,538 All right, your next bucket pull. 1594 01:12:14,605 --> 01:12:16,038 We actually know this guy. 1595 01:12:16,105 --> 01:12:20,105 He's a famous British podcaster. We've all done his show. 1596 01:12:20,171 --> 01:12:21,871 He's been on Rogan multiple times. 1597 01:12:21,938 --> 01:12:24,905 This is, I think, my first time ever seeing him do standup. 1598 01:12:24,971 --> 01:12:28,838 This is a minute uninterrupted from Francis Foster, everyone. 1599 01:12:28,905 --> 01:12:30,371 Francis Foster. 1600 01:12:34,105 --> 01:12:36,371 Hello. Lovely to be here. 1601 01:12:36,438 --> 01:12:39,838 I'm British, so I'll be your diversity act for tonight. 1602 01:12:40,605 --> 01:12:43,238 [speaking Spanish] Hi! Good afternoon, my Latinos! How are you? 1603 01:12:43,305 --> 01:12:45,171 -[audience cheering] -[speaking Spanish] I see you! 1604 01:12:45,838 --> 01:12:48,305 [in English] You can't believe John Oliver with brain damage 1605 01:12:48,371 --> 01:12:50,371 able to learn another language. 1606 01:12:51,471 --> 01:12:53,305 But here's the thing. People always go to me, 1607 01:12:53,371 --> 01:12:56,371 "Francis, what's the difference between Britain and America?" 1608 01:12:56,438 --> 01:12:57,971 And there's only one. 1609 01:12:58,038 --> 01:13:00,171 In Britain, we stab people. 1610 01:13:00,238 --> 01:13:02,171 In America, you shoot people. 1611 01:13:02,838 --> 01:13:05,305 Yeah, and the reason we stab people is… 1612 01:13:05,371 --> 01:13:09,138 we're not afraid of doing a bit of physical exercise. 1613 01:13:10,305 --> 01:13:13,005 Because when you stab someone, you engage your legs, your core. 1614 01:13:13,071 --> 01:13:15,871 You need to be like, "One, two, three, four!" 1615 01:13:15,938 --> 01:13:18,305 I know when I get stabbed in London, 1616 01:13:18,371 --> 01:13:22,638 my murderer is running away a healthier, happier human being. 1617 01:13:24,271 --> 01:13:28,938 But I love America, 'cause it's a land of beautiful women and mediocre men. 1618 01:13:29,005 --> 01:13:30,071 [audience member cheers] 1619 01:13:30,138 --> 01:13:32,805 Yeah. And I don't want American men getting offended, 1620 01:13:32,871 --> 01:13:36,271 'cause I'm from England, where women look like me. 1621 01:13:36,338 --> 01:13:38,405 [audience laughing] 1622 01:13:38,471 --> 01:13:41,238 Listen, in England, I'm a hot piece of arse, lads. 1623 01:13:42,338 --> 01:13:45,105 You know, if you were shagging me, you'd be texting your mate going, 1624 01:13:45,171 --> 01:13:47,405 "I can't believe I'm fucking a nine here." 1625 01:13:47,471 --> 01:13:49,838 [audience laughing] 1626 01:13:49,905 --> 01:13:52,038 -But traveling has taught me-- -[loud roar] 1627 01:13:52,105 --> 01:13:54,071 -[Tony] Go ahead. You want to finish it? -Yeah. 1628 01:13:54,138 --> 01:13:56,805 Okay. Traveling has really only taught me one thing. 1629 01:13:56,871 --> 01:13:59,638 Every culture has strengths and weaknesses. 1630 01:13:59,705 --> 01:14:01,405 Like, take the Chinese culture. 1631 01:14:01,471 --> 01:14:05,205 Amazing art, history, literature, philosophy, food. 1632 01:14:05,271 --> 01:14:07,805 -Shit music. -[audience laughing] 1633 01:14:07,871 --> 01:14:11,471 Nobody has ever walked into a Chinese restaurant and gone, 1634 01:14:12,238 --> 01:14:16,105 "Fucking hell, Dave. This one's a banger, innit, mate?" 1635 01:14:17,538 --> 01:14:21,105 "Yeah. Do you hear that, bruv? That's the xylophone." 1636 01:14:21,838 --> 01:14:24,771 "Dave, where you going, mate? The harp's about to kick in." 1637 01:14:24,838 --> 01:14:26,971 "It's gonna get fucking peaceful in here." 1638 01:14:28,238 --> 01:14:31,405 Nobody's ever walked into an Indian restaurant and gone, 1639 01:14:31,471 --> 01:14:34,205 "You know what? No starters or mains for me." 1640 01:14:34,271 --> 01:14:35,505 "Just the dessert." 1641 01:14:37,238 --> 01:14:40,338 And no one's ever walked into a British restaurant… 1642 01:14:41,838 --> 01:14:43,338 [audience laughing] 1643 01:14:43,405 --> 01:14:45,905 Ah. There it is, Francis Foster. 1644 01:14:46,971 --> 01:14:48,505 Usually, people's last jokes, 1645 01:14:48,571 --> 01:14:51,005 I let them finish it, I think they're quick. 1646 01:14:51,071 --> 01:14:55,171 Leave it to a British guy to try to take over territory that doesn't belong to him. 1647 01:14:55,238 --> 01:14:57,038 -[Francis laughs] -Welcome, Francis. 1648 01:14:57,105 --> 01:14:58,938 This is your first time on this show, right? 1649 01:14:59,005 --> 01:15:00,471 -It is. -[Tony] I love it. 1650 01:15:00,538 --> 01:15:01,538 You signed up. 1651 01:15:01,605 --> 01:15:04,071 Here you are, a Brit living the American dream. 1652 01:15:04,138 --> 01:15:05,105 How does it feel? 1653 01:15:05,171 --> 01:15:07,005 -It feels like freedom. -[Tony] Yeah. 1654 01:15:07,071 --> 01:15:09,338 But I've got to be honest, because sometimes, 1655 01:15:09,405 --> 01:15:11,638 when you do jokes in the UK, you're like, 1656 01:15:11,705 --> 01:15:15,038 "Are you gonna laugh or lynch me? One of the two." 1657 01:15:15,105 --> 01:15:17,171 [Tony] Yeah, they are a little weird over there. 1658 01:15:17,238 --> 01:15:19,971 We have the O2 Arena coming up in June. 1659 01:15:20,038 --> 01:15:22,305 [Francis] I'll visit you in prison, Tony. 1660 01:15:22,371 --> 01:15:25,571 You think we could get in trouble? What could they possibly do? 1661 01:15:25,638 --> 01:15:28,005 Do they arrest Americans for doing comedy shows? 1662 01:15:28,071 --> 01:15:29,605 I've seen your George Floyd joke. 1663 01:15:29,671 --> 01:15:32,071 -[Tony] Well, okay. -[audience laughing] 1664 01:15:32,138 --> 01:15:34,471 -Kind of giving it away there, but… -[Francis laughs] 1665 01:15:34,538 --> 01:15:37,438 Seriously, you think I have a chance of getting in trouble? 1666 01:15:37,505 --> 01:15:39,105 -No. No, no, no. -[Tony] Right. 1667 01:15:39,171 --> 01:15:40,071 It's in Scotland. 1668 01:15:40,138 --> 01:15:42,205 In Scotland, you can get arrested. 1669 01:15:42,271 --> 01:15:44,405 So they brought in a hate speech law, 1670 01:15:44,905 --> 01:15:46,705 which means that if you make a joke 1671 01:15:46,771 --> 01:15:49,471 which is deemed to be offensive to a reasonable person, 1672 01:15:49,538 --> 01:15:52,138 you can get put in jail for up to five years. 1673 01:15:52,205 --> 01:15:54,871 Wow. Has that happened to a comedian? 1674 01:15:54,938 --> 01:15:57,205 No, not yet. But you could be the first. 1675 01:15:57,271 --> 01:15:58,638 [Tony] Ooh la la. 1676 01:15:58,705 --> 01:15:59,638 I love it. 1677 01:15:59,705 --> 01:16:02,638 Francis, you and your podcast partner… 1678 01:16:02,705 --> 01:16:03,671 What's his name? 1679 01:16:03,738 --> 01:16:06,571 That fills me with so much joy that you've forgotten it. 1680 01:16:06,638 --> 01:16:07,938 It's Konstantin Kisin. 1681 01:16:08,005 --> 01:16:10,438 Uh-huh. You guys talk about serious stuff. 1682 01:16:10,505 --> 01:16:12,005 President Trump, go ahead. 1683 01:16:12,071 --> 01:16:13,705 I don't like British people. 1684 01:16:13,771 --> 01:16:15,305 [all laughing] 1685 01:16:15,371 --> 01:16:17,371 When you talk about America, it makes me sick, 1686 01:16:17,438 --> 01:16:19,205 because your country is gay. 1687 01:16:20,405 --> 01:16:22,138 What a bunch of gay guys. 1688 01:16:22,205 --> 01:16:25,338 You're all ugly. Your women are ugly. You have terrible teeth. 1689 01:16:26,338 --> 01:16:27,705 You're nothing without us. 1690 01:16:27,771 --> 01:16:30,905 Without us, you'd be "Sprechen sie Deutsch?", wouldn't you? 1691 01:16:33,805 --> 01:16:37,805 To be fair, you turned up about three years too late, Mr. Trump. 1692 01:16:38,505 --> 01:16:40,238 You didn't like that. That's a history joke. 1693 01:16:40,305 --> 01:16:41,605 What do you mean by that? 1694 01:16:41,671 --> 01:16:42,571 Pearl Harbor. 1695 01:16:43,105 --> 01:16:45,571 You only got involved because of Pearl Harbor. 1696 01:16:45,638 --> 01:16:46,705 [Tony] God, what the fuck? 1697 01:16:46,771 --> 01:16:48,805 [Trump] Let's talk World War II. I love it. 1698 01:16:48,871 --> 01:16:51,138 [all laughing] 1699 01:16:52,105 --> 01:16:55,505 Churchill was a racist, and England needs to get out of Ireland. 1700 01:16:55,571 --> 01:16:58,971 -[Francis laughs] -[audience cheers] 1701 01:17:01,538 --> 01:17:03,905 President Trump laying down the law. 1702 01:17:03,971 --> 01:17:07,271 It's almost like we've got an Irishman there, Shane. 1703 01:17:07,338 --> 01:17:10,571 Francis, you are English, 1704 01:17:10,638 --> 01:17:13,405 and somehow, you're bad at speaking English. 1705 01:17:13,471 --> 01:17:15,338 [Francis laughs] 1706 01:17:15,405 --> 01:17:19,805 Uh, what's something crazy we should know about you before letting you go? 1707 01:17:19,871 --> 01:17:24,771 Half Venezuelan. Saw the rise of communism in my country. 1708 01:17:24,838 --> 01:17:29,071 So I've kind of spent a lot of time talking about it, 1709 01:17:29,138 --> 01:17:31,938 explaining what's been going on, all the rest of it. 1710 01:17:32,005 --> 01:17:34,371 -[Tony] Did anybody understand? -[chuckles] 1711 01:17:34,438 --> 01:17:38,505 "Hibbidi hobbidi, communism, spreading the bibbidi bobbidi…" 1712 01:17:38,571 --> 01:17:41,338 -[Francis chuckles] -[continues speaking gibberish] 1713 01:17:42,271 --> 01:17:43,471 [braying] 1714 01:17:43,538 --> 01:17:45,771 [Tony] What the hell is going on over there? 1715 01:17:45,838 --> 01:17:48,171 Now that's good American comedy, isn't it? 1716 01:17:49,171 --> 01:17:50,538 We got the horn at the end. 1717 01:17:50,605 --> 01:17:51,971 We love the horn, don't we? 1718 01:17:52,038 --> 01:17:53,038 [horn toots] 1719 01:17:53,105 --> 01:17:54,971 Oh. That's good stuff. Play it again. 1720 01:17:55,038 --> 01:17:57,838 -You're gonna wake up this big fucker. -[horn toots] 1721 01:17:57,905 --> 01:17:59,205 Yeah, I'm talking to you. 1722 01:17:59,271 --> 01:18:01,571 -[braying] -[Tony laughing] 1723 01:18:01,638 --> 01:18:02,705 Wake up, sir. 1724 01:18:04,371 --> 01:18:05,738 Smile once. 1725 01:18:05,805 --> 01:18:07,805 [audience laughing] 1726 01:18:09,805 --> 01:18:12,305 You sign up for the show? Yeah, fucking you, dude. 1727 01:18:14,871 --> 01:18:16,871 [audience cheering] 1728 01:18:20,305 --> 01:18:21,371 So fun. 1729 01:18:22,171 --> 01:18:25,105 Francis, thanks for signing up. There's a medium joke book. 1730 01:18:25,171 --> 01:18:26,938 -[audience exclaims] -He didn't catch it. 1731 01:18:27,005 --> 01:18:29,671 -British people can't catch. -They can't catch. 1732 01:18:29,738 --> 01:18:32,671 They can't catch 'cause they're gay and they play soccer. 1733 01:18:32,738 --> 01:18:34,738 [Tony laughs] 1734 01:18:35,771 --> 01:18:38,505 There he goes. Francis Foster, ladies and gentlemen. 1735 01:18:42,138 --> 01:18:44,805 Yeah, you have one? You got it right now? 1736 01:18:44,871 --> 01:18:48,405 Let's see-- I'm getting word that we have an instant replay available 1737 01:18:48,471 --> 01:18:50,571 of him trying to catch that. 1738 01:18:50,638 --> 01:18:53,805 We have the great director from the UFC, Anthony Giordano. 1739 01:18:53,871 --> 01:18:58,438 Let's see a British guy try to catch a simple toss from a joke book. 1740 01:18:58,505 --> 01:19:00,338 I mean, literally, 1741 01:19:00,405 --> 01:19:03,605 the two hands that he has out are doing nothing. 1742 01:19:03,671 --> 01:19:07,438 Look at it bounce right off the British chest 1743 01:19:07,505 --> 01:19:10,171 -of Stink Floyd over here… -[horn tooting] 1744 01:19:10,238 --> 01:19:12,405 …fucking John Awfuller. 1745 01:19:13,271 --> 01:19:14,971 I mean, incredible. 1746 01:19:15,471 --> 01:19:16,938 Keep that sound effect going. 1747 01:19:17,005 --> 01:19:19,605 There you go, Redban. This is Kill Tony. 1748 01:19:19,671 --> 01:19:23,205 [Trump] Those are good American horns, Redban. Keep them coming. 1749 01:19:23,271 --> 01:19:26,571 [Tony] A British guy trying to catch Texas leather 1750 01:19:26,638 --> 01:19:28,571 is impossible. 1751 01:19:28,638 --> 01:19:30,605 Absolutely amazing. 1752 01:19:31,438 --> 01:19:38,238 Only on Kill Tony do we have powerful instant replay. 1753 01:19:38,305 --> 01:19:39,838 Let's get another bucket pull up here. 1754 01:19:39,905 --> 01:19:42,071 Ladies and gentlemen, we'll meet this guy all together. 1755 01:19:42,138 --> 01:19:45,571 Make some noise for Brian Lirot. Or Li-roh. 1756 01:19:45,638 --> 01:19:48,038 Brian Lirot. Lirot. 1757 01:19:48,671 --> 01:19:49,838 All right. 1758 01:19:51,205 --> 01:19:53,171 -How we doing, everybody? -[audience cheers] 1759 01:19:53,238 --> 01:19:54,205 Good? 1760 01:19:54,271 --> 01:19:56,271 I haven't had a girlfriend in a while. 1761 01:19:56,338 --> 01:19:57,905 I haven't had a partner in a while. 1762 01:19:57,971 --> 01:20:01,571 I used to see someone who's part of the LGBTQ+ community. 1763 01:20:01,638 --> 01:20:05,305 Their pronouns were she/they, and they taught me all sorts of stuff. 1764 01:20:05,371 --> 01:20:07,205 One day they turned to me while having sex. 1765 01:20:07,271 --> 01:20:09,405 They're like, "Brian, since we have sex, 1766 01:20:09,471 --> 01:20:11,238 that technically makes you gay." 1767 01:20:11,971 --> 01:20:14,171 Which I thought was pretty neat, you know, 1768 01:20:14,238 --> 01:20:17,371 because "Gay Pussy" was my nickname in high school. 1769 01:20:17,438 --> 01:20:19,371 -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 1770 01:20:19,438 --> 01:20:21,571 Guess you are what you eat, right? 1771 01:20:23,038 --> 01:20:25,871 They like to dirty-talk, which I'm not very good at that, 1772 01:20:25,938 --> 01:20:27,438 which you can probably tell. 1773 01:20:27,505 --> 01:20:30,471 I don't have a voice designed for dirty talk. 1774 01:20:31,338 --> 01:20:33,805 God did not design my voice to say "okey-dokey," or… 1775 01:20:33,871 --> 01:20:36,771 Actually, God did design my voice to say "okey-dokey." 1776 01:20:36,838 --> 01:20:39,905 Sorry, I've been hanging out in a barn for the last hour. 1777 01:20:39,971 --> 01:20:41,438 This voice doesn't run in my family. 1778 01:20:41,505 --> 01:20:43,505 I'm the only guy who sounds like this in my family. 1779 01:20:43,571 --> 01:20:46,038 We're not like the Keebler Elves, you know. 1780 01:20:46,105 --> 01:20:48,771 But my cousin, she interrupted me while I was talking one time, 1781 01:20:48,838 --> 01:20:49,971 and she was just like, 1782 01:20:50,038 --> 01:20:54,171 "Hey, Brian, you kind of sound like a parrot taught you how to talk." 1783 01:20:55,505 --> 01:20:58,771 It caught me off guard. I was just like, "What?" You know, like… 1784 01:20:58,838 --> 01:21:01,671 Like, "Whatever, bitch, pass the crackers," you know? 1785 01:21:01,738 --> 01:21:05,238 All right. Thank you, guys. Sorry about that. [laughs awkwardly] 1786 01:21:05,305 --> 01:21:07,405 [Tony] Brian Lirot? 1787 01:21:07,471 --> 01:21:09,138 -Li-roh. -Lirot. Brian Lirot. 1788 01:21:09,205 --> 01:21:11,071 -It's French. -[Tony] What is that? 1789 01:21:11,138 --> 01:21:12,571 -It's French. -[Tony] French. 1790 01:21:12,638 --> 01:21:13,971 [Tony] You're French? 1791 01:21:14,038 --> 01:21:17,371 -Uh, I'm from Chicago, so… -[Tony] Okay. 1792 01:21:17,438 --> 01:21:20,205 We're technically French as far as the last name goes, 1793 01:21:20,271 --> 01:21:22,805 but I have, like, freckles and stuff, so… 1794 01:21:22,871 --> 01:21:24,771 I'm American, I guess. 1795 01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:27,138 -Texas. Yeah. -All right. 1796 01:21:27,205 --> 01:21:29,305 -I don't know. -What do you do for work? 1797 01:21:29,371 --> 01:21:32,371 I'm a camera guy for reality TV shows. 1798 01:21:32,438 --> 01:21:34,705 That's why I'm here. I'm just passing through. 1799 01:21:34,771 --> 01:21:37,005 I work for a show called Love After Lockup. 1800 01:21:37,071 --> 01:21:39,705 What a great show. We love that show. Yeah. 1801 01:21:39,771 --> 01:21:41,505 People get out of-- Yeah, I guess. 1802 01:21:41,571 --> 01:21:42,871 They get out and we film them. 1803 01:21:42,938 --> 01:21:45,538 We started to do that with things we had in cages, 1804 01:21:45,605 --> 01:21:47,305 and we film them and we… 1805 01:21:47,371 --> 01:21:48,538 [Lirot] Yeah. 1806 01:21:49,638 --> 01:21:52,605 A lot of people say I don't have a good sex voice, but I do. 1807 01:21:52,671 --> 01:21:55,205 You do have a good sex voice. I like it. 1808 01:21:55,271 --> 01:21:56,871 "I'm about to cum." 1809 01:21:56,938 --> 01:21:58,538 [audience laughing] 1810 01:22:00,505 --> 01:22:02,738 I say, "I'm gonna cum." 1811 01:22:02,805 --> 01:22:05,438 And… then I cum. 1812 01:22:07,605 --> 01:22:10,271 The President of the United States. 1813 01:22:10,338 --> 01:22:12,905 Brian, how long have you been doing standup comedy? 1814 01:22:12,971 --> 01:22:15,271 For, like, ten years-ish, I guess. A while. 1815 01:22:15,338 --> 01:22:16,905 -[Tony] Ten years? -Yeah. 1816 01:22:16,971 --> 01:22:18,538 And all of that in Chicago? 1817 01:22:18,605 --> 01:22:20,438 Pretty much. Yeah. 1818 01:22:21,071 --> 01:22:26,005 What's the craziest thing you've seen on the show that you camera-man for? 1819 01:22:26,071 --> 01:22:29,405 Well, we were just in Louisiana, and we just got guns pulled on us, 1820 01:22:29,471 --> 01:22:33,071 because we're told not to stop filming when they tell us to stop filming 1821 01:22:33,138 --> 01:22:34,905 when they get mad at us. 1822 01:22:34,971 --> 01:22:36,838 We've never done that in Louisiana. 1823 01:22:36,905 --> 01:22:39,138 When they're like, "Stop filming," we're like, "No." 1824 01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:42,038 And they're like, "All right, well, how about now? 1825 01:22:42,105 --> 01:22:45,405 We're like, "That's a good point. Yeah. We're gonna stop now." 1826 01:22:45,471 --> 01:22:48,505 [chuckles] So now we're here. 1827 01:22:49,471 --> 01:22:52,805 Yeah, I'm going to Lubbock, Texas next, if you guys have any suggestions. 1828 01:22:52,871 --> 01:22:54,238 [audience cheers, whistles] 1829 01:22:54,305 --> 01:22:56,271 What do you mean? Suggestions for what? 1830 01:22:56,338 --> 01:22:59,138 I don't know, places to eat, stuff to do. 1831 01:22:59,205 --> 01:23:01,371 Things not to say so you don't have guns pulled on you. 1832 01:23:01,438 --> 01:23:04,038 They have guns, too, just know that. In Lubbock. 1833 01:23:04,105 --> 01:23:05,871 Yeah. Well, they got 'em. 1834 01:23:05,938 --> 01:23:07,705 They got 'em everywhere. I'm sorry. 1835 01:23:07,771 --> 01:23:10,471 What do you do for fun, Brian, when you're not working? 1836 01:23:10,538 --> 01:23:12,938 Uh, pretty much, looking at it, 1837 01:23:13,005 --> 01:23:15,571 uh, just kind of get drunk and do standup. 1838 01:23:16,205 --> 01:23:17,071 Hang out. 1839 01:23:18,605 --> 01:23:21,171 Yeah, I just got a Wii Switch, or a Nintendo Switch. 1840 01:23:21,238 --> 01:23:22,605 I've been doing that a bit. 1841 01:23:22,671 --> 01:23:25,338 One of the most boring interviews in the history of the show. 1842 01:23:25,405 --> 01:23:27,338 -Can you come up with something else? -Yeah. 1843 01:23:27,405 --> 01:23:30,205 I get pussy, and I fucking shoot guns at people. 1844 01:23:30,271 --> 01:23:32,205 [chuckles awkwardly] I don't know. 1845 01:23:32,271 --> 01:23:34,938 I know. I… I know. 1846 01:23:35,005 --> 01:23:37,005 I know. I'm sorry. I'll try to be-- 1847 01:23:37,071 --> 01:23:39,271 Who do you think you are? Kyle Rittenhouse? 1848 01:23:39,338 --> 01:23:40,705 Yeah. That'd be cool. 1849 01:23:40,771 --> 01:23:43,371 Kyle gets a lot of pussy. I've seen him get pussy. 1850 01:23:43,438 --> 01:23:46,371 One time, me and Kim's dad drove him to get pussy. 1851 01:23:47,405 --> 01:23:50,338 We put little Kyle in there. We said, "Hop in." 1852 01:23:52,005 --> 01:23:53,005 [chuckles] 1853 01:23:53,838 --> 01:23:54,671 Yeah. 1854 01:23:56,105 --> 01:23:58,038 And we got him a magnum, 'cause… 1855 01:23:58,938 --> 01:24:00,338 he had a big penis. 1856 01:24:01,071 --> 01:24:02,771 If you saw the show, you would've got that. 1857 01:24:02,838 --> 01:24:04,805 Pretty good, yeah. I've been in a barn. 1858 01:24:05,638 --> 01:24:09,305 Brian, you say that you get a lot of pussy and you shoot guns. 1859 01:24:09,371 --> 01:24:12,338 It seems like you're trying to come across as cool. 1860 01:24:12,405 --> 01:24:15,071 What's something embarrassing about you? 1861 01:24:15,138 --> 01:24:16,038 What's something-- 1862 01:24:16,105 --> 01:24:18,038 I got this weird thing on my neck. 1863 01:24:18,105 --> 01:24:21,071 I don't have health insurance. I'm trying to lean like this. 1864 01:24:21,138 --> 01:24:22,905 -[Tony] What is it? -I don't know what it is. 1865 01:24:22,971 --> 01:24:24,738 Joe Rogan, you know what this is? 1866 01:24:24,805 --> 01:24:26,571 [Joe] Yeah, that's staph infection. 1867 01:24:26,638 --> 01:24:28,138 I've had it for years now. 1868 01:24:28,205 --> 01:24:29,938 -[Joe] You're gonna die. -Yeah. 1869 01:24:30,005 --> 01:24:31,571 That's what I've been thinking. 1870 01:24:31,638 --> 01:24:33,571 You've never gotten it checked out? 1871 01:24:33,638 --> 01:24:35,571 I haven't had the, you know… 1872 01:24:35,638 --> 01:24:37,471 I don't have health insurance. 1873 01:24:37,538 --> 01:24:39,771 -Wow. Well-- -I don't know who's gonna check. 1874 01:24:39,838 --> 01:24:40,705 I actually know-- 1875 01:24:40,771 --> 01:24:43,838 And that's why we love this country and our healthcare system. 1876 01:24:44,438 --> 01:24:47,138 We've got a great system, and the guy has a lump on his neck. 1877 01:24:47,205 --> 01:24:50,005 -We say, "You have to die." -[Lirot laughs] 1878 01:24:50,071 --> 01:24:53,271 "We don't like guys with lumps, so we're gonna get rid of them." 1879 01:24:54,738 --> 01:24:57,005 -How many years have you had it? -Since Covid. 1880 01:24:57,071 --> 01:24:59,471 I don't know why. Yeah. 1881 01:24:59,538 --> 01:25:02,105 It could be-- Well, yeah. I don't know. 1882 01:25:02,171 --> 01:25:04,405 It happened during Covid, but I don't think it is-- 1883 01:25:04,471 --> 01:25:06,138 [Tom] Has it been growing? Looks like it. 1884 01:25:06,205 --> 01:25:09,205 -No. I've been picking at it recently. -[Tom] That's good. 1885 01:25:09,271 --> 01:25:10,938 No, that could make it go away. 1886 01:25:11,971 --> 01:25:14,905 That was my recent thought. Like, "I got to get through this." 1887 01:25:14,971 --> 01:25:17,271 -Just shave it hard. -[Lirot] So… Yeah. 1888 01:25:18,505 --> 01:25:22,138 Have you not thought of, maybe, an urgent care thing. 1889 01:25:22,205 --> 01:25:24,571 I went to one and they were like… [groans] 1890 01:25:24,638 --> 01:25:26,571 -[Tom] That's what they… -Yeah. 1891 01:25:26,638 --> 01:25:29,205 -They were like, "You're gross. Get out." -Exactly! 1892 01:25:29,271 --> 01:25:31,438 They gave me antibiotics and it did nothing. 1893 01:25:31,505 --> 01:25:33,105 -[Tony] Let's see it. -It's right here. 1894 01:25:34,105 --> 01:25:36,038 Relax, guys. You're being mean. 1895 01:25:36,105 --> 01:25:38,038 [Tom] It's close to the jugular, which is cool. 1896 01:25:38,105 --> 01:25:42,438 Yeah. That's why I don't want to pop it, because I don't want to, like… 1897 01:25:42,505 --> 01:25:46,238 People will think I killed myself, and I was just trying to pop a zit. 1898 01:25:46,305 --> 01:25:48,438 -Well, the crowd's encouraging you. -[Lirot] I know. 1899 01:25:48,505 --> 01:25:50,471 [Tony] The crowd is chanting, "Pop it!" 1900 01:25:50,538 --> 01:25:53,238 -It'd be a big joke book if you pop it? -Incredible. 1901 01:25:54,205 --> 01:25:55,371 Have you tried? 1902 01:25:55,438 --> 01:25:57,571 Yeah, like, a day ago! 1903 01:25:57,638 --> 01:26:00,405 -I tried not to touch it today-- -[Tony] You did pop it? 1904 01:26:00,471 --> 01:26:02,038 No, I've been trying for years. 1905 01:26:02,105 --> 01:26:04,038 [Redban] Does it sweat or anything like that? 1906 01:26:04,105 --> 01:26:05,971 -Okay. All right, Redban. -[laughter] 1907 01:26:06,038 --> 01:26:08,438 Does something come out when you try to pop it? 1908 01:26:08,505 --> 01:26:11,638 No, I feel like a huge pussy every single time, 'cause… 1909 01:26:11,705 --> 01:26:13,371 -Let it grow. -…I didn't push it. 1910 01:26:14,205 --> 01:26:16,838 I let it alone for a while. I grew a little beard. 1911 01:26:16,905 --> 01:26:19,771 But the beard didn't look good enough to cover it. 1912 01:26:19,838 --> 01:26:22,171 [Tom] No, own it. Don't grow a beard. 1913 01:26:22,238 --> 01:26:24,671 Just have a huge goiter on your face. 1914 01:26:24,738 --> 01:26:26,538 Yeah. I know, it fucking sucks. 1915 01:26:26,605 --> 01:26:30,171 The good news is RFK Jr. is right backstage, 1916 01:26:30,238 --> 01:26:34,705 and he most likely will have a solution for your problem. 1917 01:26:35,305 --> 01:26:37,371 Um, in the meanwhile, Brian Lirot. 1918 01:26:37,438 --> 01:26:39,905 Here you go. Here's a little joke book. 1919 01:26:39,971 --> 01:26:41,671 Keep it moving on. 1920 01:26:41,738 --> 01:26:42,805 Wow. 1921 01:26:42,871 --> 01:26:45,138 -Thank you. -[Tony] There he goes. 1922 01:26:47,138 --> 01:26:51,238 Ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a special treat right now. 1923 01:26:51,305 --> 01:26:54,738 Here to perform a standup comedy set, 1924 01:26:54,805 --> 01:27:01,271 I present to you, the 2023 guest of the year. 1925 01:27:01,338 --> 01:27:03,805 The Kill Tony Hall of Famer. 1926 01:27:03,871 --> 01:27:08,505 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a set from the one and only Dr. Phil. 1927 01:27:08,571 --> 01:27:10,771 [cheers, applause] 1928 01:27:11,771 --> 01:27:14,171 [Dr. Phil theme music playing] 1929 01:27:21,505 --> 01:27:23,205 Kill Tony legend… 1930 01:27:23,271 --> 01:27:25,138 [cheers, applause continuing] 1931 01:27:31,538 --> 01:27:34,471 the great Dr. Phil has arrived. 1932 01:27:34,538 --> 01:27:35,705 [music ends] 1933 01:27:36,671 --> 01:27:38,071 Austin, Texas, how we feel? 1934 01:27:38,138 --> 01:27:41,205 Make some motherfucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight. 1935 01:27:41,271 --> 01:27:43,638 Who's excited? Keep it going for Kill Tony, huh? 1936 01:27:43,705 --> 01:27:46,905 Joe Rogan, Donald Trump, Tom Segura. 1937 01:27:47,438 --> 01:27:51,005 Prepared a few statements, quick shout-out to everybody watching at home on Netflix. 1938 01:27:51,071 --> 01:27:53,338 And I don't want to forget the people at home on Tubi 1939 01:27:53,405 --> 01:27:55,138 watching 2 Girls 1 Cup. 1940 01:27:55,205 --> 01:27:56,305 [laughter] 1941 01:27:57,038 --> 01:27:58,105 Let's get into this. 1942 01:27:58,171 --> 01:28:03,005 Give it up for Brian Redban, everybody, the administrator of the show. 1943 01:28:03,071 --> 01:28:04,338 [applause] 1944 01:28:04,405 --> 01:28:08,171 And everybody knows Brian Redban is over there doing his damnedest. 1945 01:28:08,238 --> 01:28:11,571 Everyone's always wondering, "What is he up to? What's he doing?" 1946 01:28:11,638 --> 01:28:13,238 Is he playing with sound cues? 1947 01:28:13,305 --> 01:28:16,871 Well, I actually found out what Brian's been doing, and I wrote it down. 1948 01:28:16,938 --> 01:28:19,238 Brian's actually spending most of the show 1949 01:28:19,305 --> 01:28:21,605 e-mailing Kanye's merch guy, 1950 01:28:22,371 --> 01:28:24,971 to find out when they're selling shirts in XXXLs. 1951 01:28:25,038 --> 01:28:27,438 So you can give it up for Brian Redban. 1952 01:28:27,505 --> 01:28:30,338 -Brian's so fat he's got type 2 diabetes… -[applause] 1953 01:28:30,405 --> 01:28:32,238 I'm sorry I said that wrong. 1954 01:28:32,305 --> 01:28:35,605 -He's got two types of diabetes. -[laughter] 1955 01:28:35,671 --> 01:28:38,505 Casey Rocket was here. Keep it going for Casey Rocket. 1956 01:28:38,571 --> 01:28:40,238 What a fucking legend. 1957 01:28:40,305 --> 01:28:42,105 Casey looks like he makes meth 1958 01:28:42,171 --> 01:28:44,371 using the same test tube he was conceived in, 1959 01:28:44,438 --> 01:28:46,738 which is a big deal for somebody. 1960 01:28:46,805 --> 01:28:49,938 Casey is so high energy, he goes all the way up to 11 1961 01:28:50,005 --> 01:28:52,671 when he's setting the age range on his Tinder profile. 1962 01:28:52,738 --> 01:28:54,105 Now… 1963 01:28:54,171 --> 01:28:55,738 Okay, that's not for everybody. 1964 01:28:55,805 --> 01:28:56,805 [laughter] 1965 01:28:56,871 --> 01:28:59,271 "Casey's Adderall is laced with fentanyl," I wrote. 1966 01:28:59,338 --> 01:29:01,138 I don't know what goes off more. 1967 01:29:01,205 --> 01:29:03,605 Casey's Fitbit or Kam's ankle bracelet. 1968 01:29:03,671 --> 01:29:04,805 That can't… 1969 01:29:04,871 --> 01:29:06,871 You know, Kam is on TV tonight, 1970 01:29:06,938 --> 01:29:09,038 but before this, the only time you could see him 1971 01:29:09,105 --> 01:29:11,105 was on the security footage at Walmart. 1972 01:29:11,171 --> 01:29:13,605 Kam looks like he was breastfed 1973 01:29:13,671 --> 01:29:14,971 Mad Dog 20/20. 1974 01:29:15,038 --> 01:29:17,571 That's a fun joke you can tell at a barbecue. 1975 01:29:17,638 --> 01:29:18,505 Kam… 1976 01:29:18,571 --> 01:29:21,005 Kam is now famous. Women are all over him. 1977 01:29:21,071 --> 01:29:23,205 This dude would be swimming in pussy 1978 01:29:23,271 --> 01:29:25,138 if he knew how to fucking swim. 1979 01:29:25,205 --> 01:29:27,505 -But… he can't. -[plays sting] 1980 01:29:27,571 --> 01:29:28,971 Thank you so much for that. 1981 01:29:29,038 --> 01:29:30,138 [applause] 1982 01:29:30,205 --> 01:29:32,471 What else we got? I remember the first time I saw Kam, 1983 01:29:32,538 --> 01:29:35,505 he was screaming "world star" in the back of a Waffle House. 1984 01:29:35,571 --> 01:29:36,505 [laughter] 1985 01:29:36,571 --> 01:29:39,705 There was a fight going on. He made his way to the forefront. 1986 01:29:39,771 --> 01:29:42,705 Kam's got the attitude of Tupac and the outfit of Threepac, 1987 01:29:42,771 --> 01:29:44,371 three pack of Hanes undershirt. 1988 01:29:44,438 --> 01:29:46,605 That sounded funnier on the drive over here. 1989 01:29:46,671 --> 01:29:49,505 Kam was here tonight, which begs the question. 1990 01:29:49,571 --> 01:29:51,438 Kam, if you're here, who's stealing my car 1991 01:29:51,505 --> 01:29:53,605 -in Grand Theft Auto, you know? -[laughter] 1992 01:29:53,671 --> 01:29:56,338 Okay, again, we'll probably cut that one out. 1993 01:29:56,405 --> 01:29:58,371 [laughter] 1994 01:29:58,438 --> 01:30:02,038 You guys hear about the astronauts that got caught up in space? 1995 01:30:02,105 --> 01:30:05,805 Yeah. Yeah, The astronauts were like, "We'll be right back." 1996 01:30:05,871 --> 01:30:07,205 And then space was like, "Well, 1997 01:30:07,271 --> 01:30:08,871 we're gonna keep it right here." 1998 01:30:08,938 --> 01:30:10,405 [laughter] 1999 01:30:10,471 --> 01:30:12,771 When I first heard the astronaut was up there that long, 2000 01:30:12,838 --> 01:30:16,371 I figured Kam Patterson's dad just went out for a pack of smokes again. 2001 01:30:17,605 --> 01:30:20,705 All right, I didn't write that one. I don't know how that got there. 2002 01:30:20,771 --> 01:30:23,205 Speaking of never coming back, George Foreman died, RIP, 2003 01:30:23,271 --> 01:30:25,638 keep it going for George Foreman, which is… 2004 01:30:25,705 --> 01:30:27,905 -[cheers, applause] -It's very sad news. 2005 01:30:27,971 --> 01:30:29,838 In related news, Netflix just booked him 2006 01:30:29,905 --> 01:30:31,838 to box against Jake Paul next month. 2007 01:30:31,905 --> 01:30:33,671 -So that's… -[laughter] 2008 01:30:35,038 --> 01:30:37,438 Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Keep it going for Tony, 2009 01:30:37,505 --> 01:30:41,038 one of the the founders of the new wave of movement. 2010 01:30:41,105 --> 01:30:43,071 Tony actually grew up wrestling. 2011 01:30:43,138 --> 01:30:45,571 Tony grew up wrestling his only opponent, 2012 01:30:45,638 --> 01:30:46,471 his sexuality. 2013 01:30:46,538 --> 01:30:47,638 There's something… 2014 01:30:47,705 --> 01:30:50,305 -[laughter] -Tony's a sweet guy with kind eyes 2015 01:30:50,371 --> 01:30:51,205 and a huge cock. 2016 01:30:51,271 --> 01:30:54,038 Tony, if you're here who's haunting an abandoned carnival? 2017 01:30:54,105 --> 01:30:55,271 [laughter] 2018 01:30:55,338 --> 01:30:58,105 You look like the first opponent in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. 2019 01:30:58,171 --> 01:30:59,338 That sounded funny. 2020 01:30:59,971 --> 01:31:03,705 Tony looks like he has a pending lawsuit against the Boy Scouts of America. 2021 01:31:04,671 --> 01:31:06,271 When Tony wears a cowboy hat, 2022 01:31:06,338 --> 01:31:08,605 he looks like an EDM DJ on Brokeback Mountain. 2023 01:31:08,671 --> 01:31:10,571 These are just jokes you can tell 2024 01:31:10,638 --> 01:31:12,605 at a circumcision or a funeral. 2025 01:31:12,671 --> 01:31:13,705 Tom Segura is here. 2026 01:31:13,771 --> 01:31:15,871 You look like a baby that survived 'Nam. 2027 01:31:15,938 --> 01:31:18,171 -All right, that's… Yeah. -[laughter] 2028 01:31:18,238 --> 01:31:20,738 Keep it going for William Montgomery, by the way. 2029 01:31:20,805 --> 01:31:22,571 That's one of my favorite guys. 2030 01:31:22,638 --> 01:31:24,971 I don't know if he'll be here, but this is a guy… 2031 01:31:25,038 --> 01:31:27,571 I'm obsessed with William Montgomery 2032 01:31:27,638 --> 01:31:30,638 or as I like to call him, 2033 01:31:30,705 --> 01:31:32,138 Special Ed Sheeran. 2034 01:31:32,205 --> 01:31:34,905 -[laughter] -William is my spirit animal. 2035 01:31:34,971 --> 01:31:38,738 Keep it going for the only guy who gets a nosebleed 2036 01:31:38,805 --> 01:31:40,105 every time he eats pussy. 2037 01:31:40,171 --> 01:31:42,605 This guy… Okay, all right. 2038 01:31:42,671 --> 01:31:46,071 You're right not to laugh. That's just a fact. That's not a joke. 2039 01:31:46,138 --> 01:31:49,505 William looks like a mechanic that only works on unicycles, I wrote. 2040 01:31:50,838 --> 01:31:52,838 I said, "William might be the only comic 2041 01:31:52,905 --> 01:31:55,471 who got here by the Oregon Trail." 2042 01:31:55,538 --> 01:31:57,371 [laughter] 2043 01:31:57,438 --> 01:31:59,871 William looks like a leprechaun instead of a pot of gold. 2044 01:31:59,938 --> 01:32:02,205 He's got a shopping cart full of copper wire. 2045 01:32:02,271 --> 01:32:03,171 [laughter] 2046 01:32:03,238 --> 01:32:05,705 I love you, William, and he's never gonna stop. 2047 01:32:05,771 --> 01:32:07,505 William Montgomery is never… 2048 01:32:07,571 --> 01:32:09,471 "I ain't never gonna stop!" 2049 01:32:09,538 --> 01:32:12,371 Yeah, hearing the voices in your head, you know? 2050 01:32:12,438 --> 01:32:13,271 [laughter] 2051 01:32:13,338 --> 01:32:15,805 All right, William looks like Chucky from Rugrats 2052 01:32:15,871 --> 01:32:17,405 after three tours in Vietnam. 2053 01:32:17,471 --> 01:32:18,971 That's another 'Nam joke. 2054 01:32:19,038 --> 01:32:20,638 [laughter] 2055 01:32:20,705 --> 01:32:21,638 I think that's it. 2056 01:32:23,105 --> 01:32:24,805 I wrote "Redban's fat." 2057 01:32:24,871 --> 01:32:27,171 -I don't know. There's, you know… -[laughter] 2058 01:32:27,238 --> 01:32:29,605 -That's it outta me, Dr. Phil. -Dr. Phil. 2059 01:32:29,671 --> 01:32:30,705 [cheers, applause] 2060 01:32:30,771 --> 01:32:31,871 I appreciate the time. 2061 01:32:31,938 --> 01:32:33,771 -[Tony] Dr. Phil… -Thank you so much. 2062 01:32:33,838 --> 01:32:37,205 -…is back in the Kill Tony Universe. -[Dr. Phil theme music playing] 2063 01:32:37,271 --> 01:32:39,938 Hall of Famer, guest of the year 2023. 2064 01:32:40,005 --> 01:32:42,371 Good to be back. Keep it going for Kill Tony. 2065 01:32:42,438 --> 01:32:44,871 This is a special night to be alive. 2066 01:32:45,805 --> 01:32:48,938 -This is exciting for you. -A panel of gangsters. Feeling good. 2067 01:32:49,005 --> 01:32:52,338 You were at some of Donald Trump's rallies. 2068 01:32:52,405 --> 01:32:54,871 -What's it like? -I was. Good to see you again. 2069 01:32:54,938 --> 01:32:56,271 You crushed. 2070 01:32:56,338 --> 01:32:57,671 Good to see you. Thank you. 2071 01:32:57,738 --> 01:32:58,705 You did great. 2072 01:32:58,771 --> 01:32:59,738 [laughter] 2073 01:32:59,805 --> 01:33:00,805 Well, I had to. 2074 01:33:02,105 --> 01:33:03,338 -Good. -Yeah. 2075 01:33:03,405 --> 01:33:04,471 [laughter] 2076 01:33:05,871 --> 01:33:08,071 You know, it was a nerve wracking situation. 2077 01:33:08,138 --> 01:33:11,938 You want to impress the president, but also the people that were there. 2078 01:33:12,005 --> 01:33:13,171 You have a lot of followers. 2079 01:33:13,238 --> 01:33:16,671 You got more followers there than are on Facebook, I think. 2080 01:33:18,505 --> 01:33:19,571 Absolutely. 2081 01:33:19,638 --> 01:33:20,938 [laughter] 2082 01:33:21,671 --> 01:33:22,505 [Tony] Dr. Phil. 2083 01:33:22,571 --> 01:33:24,938 Joe, you got anything? Anything you want to… 2084 01:33:25,871 --> 01:33:26,938 -Nothing. -Great. 2085 01:33:27,005 --> 01:33:28,505 [laughter] 2086 01:33:28,571 --> 01:33:31,305 -[Dr. Phil] Tony, go ahead. -We love you, Dr. Phil. 2087 01:33:31,371 --> 01:33:35,471 You're a legend on this show. Everything else is good? You've been good? 2088 01:33:35,538 --> 01:33:36,705 Everything's great. 2089 01:33:36,771 --> 01:33:39,505 Writing a new series of children's books. 2090 01:33:39,571 --> 01:33:42,071 You know, Kids Are People Too, right? 2091 01:33:42,738 --> 01:33:45,338 Which is the second series of books. 2092 01:33:45,405 --> 01:33:46,805 The first chunk of books 2093 01:33:46,871 --> 01:33:49,205 is called Strippers are People Too. 2094 01:33:49,271 --> 01:33:52,771 And then Kids are People Too, and then We've All Got Problems to Solve. 2095 01:33:52,838 --> 01:33:54,471 And Who Picked That Shirt? 2096 01:33:54,538 --> 01:33:56,538 Might be another book I come out with. 2097 01:33:56,605 --> 01:33:59,038 Where do you get a shirt like that in 2025, sir? 2098 01:33:59,838 --> 01:34:01,605 -My father's. -Your father's, great. 2099 01:34:01,671 --> 01:34:03,871 We'll be right back. Now there's something… 2100 01:34:03,938 --> 01:34:07,138 Way to suck the energy out of the room with your dead dad joke. 2101 01:34:07,705 --> 01:34:10,538 Everything's going great, having a good time, excited for the year. 2102 01:34:10,605 --> 01:34:12,771 Congrats on the show. Congrats on another… 2103 01:34:12,838 --> 01:34:15,371 I heard you'll run for 20 more terms or some shit. 2104 01:34:15,438 --> 01:34:17,171 At least three more terms. 2105 01:34:17,238 --> 01:34:18,438 [laughter] 2106 01:34:18,505 --> 01:34:20,505 [cheers, applause] 2107 01:34:20,571 --> 01:34:22,338 Anything's possible. 2108 01:34:22,405 --> 01:34:24,971 Anything's possible if you put your mind to it. 2109 01:34:25,038 --> 01:34:26,738 [Tony] You've said that in your book. 2110 01:34:26,805 --> 01:34:28,838 I did. Yeah, thanks for reading it. 2111 01:34:28,905 --> 01:34:32,705 Dr. Phil has books, children's books, he's got it all. 2112 01:34:32,771 --> 01:34:36,405 -And a special on Netflix. -A special on Netflix you can check out. 2113 01:34:36,471 --> 01:34:38,705 Make good choices, stop, drop and roll, 2114 01:34:38,771 --> 01:34:42,171 shave your head, your back, your pussy and your crack, we'll be right back. 2115 01:34:42,238 --> 01:34:44,705 -Dr. Phil, ladies and gentlemen. -[upbeat music playing] 2116 01:34:44,771 --> 01:34:46,938 [man] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 2117 01:34:47,005 --> 01:34:50,338 [Tony] Let's slam through a couple more bucket pulls here, shall we? 2118 01:34:50,405 --> 01:34:51,305 Ladies and gentlemen, 2119 01:34:51,371 --> 01:34:55,438 make some noise for Sebastian "Seabass" Fowler. 2120 01:34:55,505 --> 01:34:57,905 Sebastian "Seabass" Fowler. 2121 01:34:58,471 --> 01:35:00,538 -Yeah! -[applause] 2122 01:35:00,605 --> 01:35:02,071 What's going on, guys? 2123 01:35:02,138 --> 01:35:05,505 I was on the dark web earlier. Turns out my computer was just off. 2124 01:35:06,171 --> 01:35:08,538 [laughter] 2125 01:35:08,605 --> 01:35:10,338 Not everybody's into dark humor. It's okay. 2126 01:35:10,405 --> 01:35:13,371 Little bit about me. I'm a bit of a pothead or a pot feet if you will. 2127 01:35:13,438 --> 01:35:15,405 I like to smoke every once in an hour. 2128 01:35:15,471 --> 01:35:17,105 I think I get it from my dad. 2129 01:35:17,171 --> 01:35:20,505 My dad was the biggest stoner of all time, but he actually gave up smoking. 2130 01:35:20,571 --> 01:35:22,238 To be fair, he gave up breathing. 2131 01:35:22,305 --> 01:35:24,105 [scattered laughter] 2132 01:35:24,171 --> 01:35:26,971 Oh! He went from super dad to super dead. 2133 01:35:27,038 --> 01:35:28,605 [laughter] 2134 01:35:28,671 --> 01:35:30,071 People love dad jokes. 2135 01:35:30,138 --> 01:35:31,938 They always get so weird about dead dad jokes. 2136 01:35:32,005 --> 01:35:35,205 It's like there's this fine line and my dad crossed it. 2137 01:35:35,271 --> 01:35:37,505 [laughter] 2138 01:35:38,305 --> 01:35:40,738 He was 5'9". He always wanted to be six-foot. 2139 01:35:41,171 --> 01:35:42,538 [crowd exclaiming] 2140 01:35:42,605 --> 01:35:44,305 Oh! Be careful what you wish for. 2141 01:35:44,938 --> 01:35:46,105 [chuckles] 2142 01:35:46,171 --> 01:35:48,771 Rock and roll. If you sing Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" 2143 01:35:48,838 --> 01:35:50,771 and "The Wizard of Oz", you sync 'em up together, 2144 01:35:50,838 --> 01:35:53,938 the results will shock you because 100% of the time you're unemployed. 2145 01:35:54,005 --> 01:35:55,705 [laughter] 2146 01:35:56,905 --> 01:35:58,005 [chuckles] 2147 01:35:58,071 --> 01:35:59,971 Rock and roll. It's a long minute. [laughs] 2148 01:36:00,038 --> 01:36:01,838 [laughter] 2149 01:36:01,905 --> 01:36:03,305 -Okay, cool. -[meow plays] 2150 01:36:03,371 --> 01:36:04,505 Thank you. Thank God. 2151 01:36:04,571 --> 01:36:05,971 -Okay. -There you go. 2152 01:36:06,038 --> 01:36:08,171 -[applause] -There you go. 2153 01:36:08,238 --> 01:36:09,238 Hello, Mr. Hinchcliffe. 2154 01:36:09,305 --> 01:36:12,371 -Why do they call you Seabass? -It's an inescapable nickname. 2155 01:36:12,438 --> 01:36:14,838 Since middle school, tried to change it, can't get rid of it. 2156 01:36:14,905 --> 01:36:15,838 So I'm Seabass. 2157 01:36:15,905 --> 01:36:18,371 But why? Why did they start calling you Seabass? 2158 01:36:18,438 --> 01:36:20,605 Probably from the fact my name is Sebastian. 2159 01:36:20,671 --> 01:36:23,171 It's just a shorter amount of letters, words. 2160 01:36:23,238 --> 01:36:26,338 Okay, that makes sense. How old are you, Sebastian? 2161 01:36:26,405 --> 01:36:27,738 I'm 31 years old. 2162 01:36:27,805 --> 01:36:29,538 Thirty one. How long you been doing standup? 2163 01:36:29,605 --> 01:36:31,405 Two years, five months and a week. 2164 01:36:31,471 --> 01:36:33,705 -Okay. Where at? -In San Diego. 2165 01:36:33,771 --> 01:36:35,138 -San Diego. -[man] Let's go, baby! 2166 01:36:35,205 --> 01:36:36,205 -[cheers] -Let's go, baby. 2167 01:36:36,271 --> 01:36:38,071 This is set number 684. 2168 01:36:38,138 --> 01:36:39,438 [laughter] 2169 01:36:40,305 --> 01:36:41,338 Okay. 2170 01:36:41,405 --> 01:36:43,171 Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay. 2171 01:36:43,238 --> 01:36:45,038 [Tony] All right. What do you do for work? 2172 01:36:45,738 --> 01:36:49,338 Um, so, back home, I'm like an Uber driver, 2173 01:36:49,405 --> 01:36:51,938 and I also-- I know, it's not very cool. 2174 01:36:52,671 --> 01:36:56,271 But I also play drums on the street, like, I just make money doing drums. 2175 01:36:57,238 --> 01:37:00,438 -Really? -Street drums are done. 2176 01:37:00,505 --> 01:37:01,971 We're done with street drums. 2177 01:37:02,038 --> 01:37:03,138 [laughter] 2178 01:37:03,205 --> 01:37:05,638 We're gonna arrest you if you do that now. 2179 01:37:05,705 --> 01:37:08,538 Lucky for you, we've got a good landscaping job lined up. 2180 01:37:08,605 --> 01:37:09,638 [laughter] 2181 01:37:09,705 --> 01:37:12,605 They said when we got rid of the Mexicans, we'd have no one to work. 2182 01:37:12,671 --> 01:37:15,271 Look at all the loser Whites we have in this country. 2183 01:37:15,338 --> 01:37:17,071 We've got an army of loser Whites. 2184 01:37:17,138 --> 01:37:20,205 Every fucking name we pull out of there is another loser. 2185 01:37:20,271 --> 01:37:22,338 And they can work. Do you do mulch? 2186 01:37:22,405 --> 01:37:23,571 [laughter] 2187 01:37:23,638 --> 01:37:26,471 -I'll do whatever you like. -Exactly. We have mulch. 2188 01:37:26,538 --> 01:37:28,505 [laughter] 2189 01:37:31,105 --> 01:37:33,371 -I like your pants. -Thank you very much. 2190 01:37:34,505 --> 01:37:36,571 What is up with those? With the leggings? 2191 01:37:36,638 --> 01:37:41,871 So I've been riding my bike across America for the last 35 days from San Diego, 2192 01:37:41,938 --> 01:37:44,571 to right here, for this show, specifically for the chance. 2193 01:37:44,638 --> 01:37:46,638 And I'm so grateful to fucking be here. 2194 01:37:46,705 --> 01:37:48,205 [[cheers, applause]] 2195 01:37:48,271 --> 01:37:49,271 Rock and roll! 2196 01:37:49,338 --> 01:37:50,205 Hold on. 2197 01:37:50,271 --> 01:37:51,705 Hold on a second. 2198 01:37:51,771 --> 01:37:52,838 Hold on. 2199 01:37:52,905 --> 01:37:55,605 You've been riding your bicycle from where? 2200 01:37:55,671 --> 01:37:57,305 -San Diego? -[Sebastien] From San Diego. 2201 01:37:57,371 --> 01:37:59,771 -To here? -Yes, on a BMX bicycle. 2202 01:37:59,838 --> 01:38:01,305 [crowd exclaims] 2203 01:38:01,371 --> 01:38:03,438 I've actually been watching your journey, man. 2204 01:38:03,505 --> 01:38:05,105 -It's been amazing. -Thank you. 2205 01:38:05,171 --> 01:38:06,205 [Tony] What? 2206 01:38:07,405 --> 01:38:09,338 -You've been watching? -[Brian] Yeah. every day. 2207 01:38:09,405 --> 01:38:13,238 -It's this one speed BMX bike and it-- -[laughter] 2208 01:38:13,305 --> 01:38:16,905 Redban actually liked one of my stories and it was a picture of my lunch. 2209 01:38:16,971 --> 01:38:18,105 [laughter] 2210 01:38:18,171 --> 01:38:19,505 I fucking hate this guy. 2211 01:38:19,571 --> 01:38:21,171 -[sting plays] -[laughter] 2212 01:38:21,238 --> 01:38:22,505 I still love you, Redban. 2213 01:38:22,571 --> 01:38:26,438 Wow. Look at this argument between Seabass and fat ass. 2214 01:38:26,505 --> 01:38:28,138 [laughter] 2215 01:38:28,205 --> 01:38:30,805 Does… Does your bike have a name? 2216 01:38:30,871 --> 01:38:32,105 I named it Rudy. 2217 01:38:32,171 --> 01:38:34,871 I was hoping you didn't so I could say you rode through the desert 2218 01:38:34,938 --> 01:38:36,538 on a bike with no name. 2219 01:38:36,605 --> 01:38:38,905 [laughter] 2220 01:38:38,971 --> 01:38:41,005 It did have a name and the joke's ruined. 2221 01:38:41,071 --> 01:38:43,205 [laughter] 2222 01:38:43,271 --> 01:38:44,971 I have a rubber duck named Wilson. 2223 01:38:45,805 --> 01:38:48,271 -That's not helping, either. -No, I know that. 2224 01:38:48,338 --> 01:38:53,138 What made you pick this date to come to Kill Tony? 2225 01:38:53,205 --> 01:38:57,338 What made you pick this random Monday for a show that we film every single week? 2226 01:38:58,005 --> 01:39:01,338 The thing was, when I started, I couldn't imagine when I would get here. 2227 01:39:01,405 --> 01:39:03,171 You know, just it was a matter of-- 2228 01:39:03,238 --> 01:39:06,671 I rode 70 miles today from Kingsland like at 6:00 a.m. 2229 01:39:06,738 --> 01:39:09,771 I worked really fucking hard to like be here tonight. 2230 01:39:09,838 --> 01:39:11,638 [cheers, applause] 2231 01:39:11,705 --> 01:39:15,371 Fuck yeah, dude. I rode through Hill Country. 2232 01:39:15,438 --> 01:39:18,505 I did the whole Hill Country on the opposite side of the 71 2233 01:39:18,571 --> 01:39:21,538 just bombing on a BMX, trying not to die, like, there's-- 2234 01:39:22,105 --> 01:39:25,671 There's like four bad drivers in Texas, and they're all on that highway. 2235 01:39:25,738 --> 01:39:27,138 [laughter] 2236 01:39:27,205 --> 01:39:30,471 I don't know. It all just worked out. It's like a universal thing. 2237 01:39:30,538 --> 01:39:33,838 There's this guy skateboarding from North Carolina to California. 2238 01:39:33,905 --> 01:39:35,271 And he got here today, too. 2239 01:39:36,205 --> 01:39:37,671 [Tony] Hold on a second. 2240 01:39:37,738 --> 01:39:39,338 -I know! -Stop. Wait. 2241 01:39:39,405 --> 01:39:40,705 Say that again. 2242 01:39:40,771 --> 01:39:44,305 -Skateboarding from where? -There's a man named John Underhill 2243 01:39:44,371 --> 01:39:48,471 skateboarding from North Carolina to Los Angeles, California. 2244 01:39:48,538 --> 01:39:51,871 And he's taken 72 days so far to get to Austin, 2245 01:39:51,938 --> 01:39:53,871 and I got here in 35 days, 2246 01:39:53,938 --> 01:39:55,905 so there's no way we could have planned this. 2247 01:39:55,971 --> 01:39:59,671 But we had beers at Shakespeare's, and a burger at El Camino. 2248 01:39:59,738 --> 01:40:01,305 And I fucking love Texas, dude. 2249 01:40:01,371 --> 01:40:03,805 [cheers, applause] 2250 01:40:03,871 --> 01:40:05,805 -It happens to all of us. -Rock and roll, bro. 2251 01:40:06,138 --> 01:40:07,138 [grunts] 2252 01:40:07,638 --> 01:40:08,938 Yeah, dude. 2253 01:40:09,005 --> 01:40:10,071 [grunts] 2254 01:40:10,138 --> 01:40:11,138 [grunts] 2255 01:40:11,671 --> 01:40:13,605 I'm sorry. Please go ahead. 2256 01:40:13,671 --> 01:40:15,405 -This is crazy. -A little excited. 2257 01:40:15,471 --> 01:40:18,271 So you're bicycling from west to east, 2258 01:40:18,338 --> 01:40:20,805 and there's a guy skateboarding from east to west. 2259 01:40:20,871 --> 01:40:23,805 Coincidentally, you both landed in Austin, Texas, 2260 01:40:23,871 --> 01:40:27,238 to sign up for this show today. Did you guys know each other before? 2261 01:40:27,305 --> 01:40:28,838 So he's not a comedian. 2262 01:40:28,905 --> 01:40:32,505 I'm trying to be the first comedian to do a tour by bicycle 2263 01:40:32,571 --> 01:40:36,438 'cause I hear you got to hit the road, right? To be a real comic. 2264 01:40:36,505 --> 01:40:39,205 And so I was like, "Fuck it, I'll ride my bike." 2265 01:40:39,271 --> 01:40:40,271 [laughter] 2266 01:40:42,138 --> 01:40:43,005 Wow. 2267 01:40:43,071 --> 01:40:45,505 That is not what that means. But that's fucking-- 2268 01:40:45,571 --> 01:40:47,005 [laughter] 2269 01:40:47,071 --> 01:40:50,005 -That's awesome, dude. -[Tony] It is now. 2270 01:40:50,071 --> 01:40:52,905 -How long have you played drums? -I've been playing drums-- 2271 01:40:52,971 --> 01:40:55,805 Well, my dad played for Steelheart, back in, like, the-- 2272 01:40:55,871 --> 01:40:58,405 That's a total different answer. How long have you been playing? 2273 01:40:58,471 --> 01:41:00,571 Okay. Seven years. 2274 01:41:00,638 --> 01:41:02,805 Seven years? Do you think you're good? 2275 01:41:02,871 --> 01:41:03,905 I think I'm okay. 2276 01:41:03,971 --> 01:41:06,471 -Should we have a Mexican Drum-Off, guys? -[cheers, applause] 2277 01:41:06,538 --> 01:41:07,905 Let's see real quick. 2278 01:41:07,971 --> 01:41:10,371 -Let's do a drum solo real fast. -["La Raspa" playing] 2279 01:41:10,438 --> 01:41:12,205 Michael, make some space over there 2280 01:41:12,271 --> 01:41:15,038 and let's just try to knock it out real fast. 2281 01:41:15,105 --> 01:41:16,905 There's a tradition on this show 2282 01:41:16,971 --> 01:41:19,238 where if somebody knows how to play drums, 2283 01:41:19,305 --> 01:41:22,938 we give them a 20-30 second drum solo. 2284 01:41:23,005 --> 01:41:29,105 And if they win, technically, the audience decides who wins. 2285 01:41:29,171 --> 01:41:33,538 If they win, then they become the new drummer on the show. 2286 01:41:34,305 --> 01:41:36,005 It's never happened before. 2287 01:41:36,071 --> 01:41:39,671 The audience always decides and we're gonna find out. 2288 01:41:39,738 --> 01:41:42,638 Right? Come on, Sebastian. Don't fucking hug him right now. 2289 01:41:42,705 --> 01:41:44,505 Sit down. We're doing a show. 2290 01:41:44,571 --> 01:41:48,871 Sit down. Jesus Christ, hugging Michael Gonzales. 2291 01:41:48,938 --> 01:41:51,971 Ladies and gentlemen, here with the drum solo, this is a Mexican Drum-Off. 2292 01:41:52,038 --> 01:41:54,171 This is Sebastian "Seabass" Fowler. 2293 01:41:55,338 --> 01:41:57,538 Here he is, starting now. 2294 01:41:58,438 --> 01:42:00,438 [drum solo] 2295 01:42:21,471 --> 01:42:23,871 -[Tony] Okay. All right. -["La Raspa" playing] 2296 01:42:23,938 --> 01:42:25,438 [applause] 2297 01:42:27,838 --> 01:42:30,371 His father is rolling in his grave right now. 2298 01:42:30,438 --> 01:42:33,738 Michael Gonzales, finish this up real quick. 2299 01:42:33,805 --> 01:42:34,671 [laughter] 2300 01:42:34,738 --> 01:42:35,705 Real quick. 2301 01:42:35,771 --> 01:42:39,305 This is defending for his job, believe it or not. 2302 01:42:39,371 --> 01:42:41,838 With an easy win, this is Michael Gonzales. 2303 01:42:42,138 --> 01:42:44,138 [drum solo] 2304 01:43:05,438 --> 01:43:07,205 -[Tony] There it is. -["La Raspa" playing] 2305 01:43:07,271 --> 01:43:08,671 [cheers, applause] 2306 01:43:08,738 --> 01:43:10,705 Pretty fun. 2307 01:43:10,771 --> 01:43:13,171 How many of you have Sebastian Fowler winning? 2308 01:43:13,805 --> 01:43:15,305 [laughter] 2309 01:43:15,371 --> 01:43:17,638 How many of you have Michael Gonzales winning? 2310 01:43:17,705 --> 01:43:21,171 Sebastian, this is a big joke but just for playing along, 2311 01:43:21,238 --> 01:43:23,605 there he goes. Sebastian Fowler. 2312 01:43:23,671 --> 01:43:25,338 [cheers, applause] 2313 01:43:26,771 --> 01:43:30,371 There he goes, Sebastian Fowler. This guy does not know how to leave. 2314 01:43:30,438 --> 01:43:32,438 [laughter] 2315 01:43:32,838 --> 01:43:37,305 Okay, I pulled out of the bucket until-- we realized that we have not had 2316 01:43:37,371 --> 01:43:39,471 a female stand-up comedian here tonight. 2317 01:43:39,538 --> 01:43:41,005 And we here at Kill Tony, 2318 01:43:41,071 --> 01:43:45,605 since Episode One have always been equal opportunity type of people, 2319 01:43:45,671 --> 01:43:46,838 believe it or not. 2320 01:43:46,905 --> 01:43:48,238 [laughter] 2321 01:43:48,305 --> 01:43:50,805 And so I pulled until I found a woman. 2322 01:43:50,871 --> 01:43:54,205 Your first and only female stand-up comedian of the show. 2323 01:43:54,271 --> 01:43:57,071 Make some noise for Serena Teal, everybody. 2324 01:43:57,138 --> 01:43:58,638 [upbeat music playing] 2325 01:44:03,105 --> 01:44:04,338 Howdy. 2326 01:44:04,405 --> 01:44:07,738 My boyfriend left the house the other day to get a bag of dog food 2327 01:44:08,271 --> 01:44:11,238 and came back really upset because he had found a dead body. 2328 01:44:12,271 --> 01:44:16,505 And I was like, "Baby, it sounds like you just found a 180 pounds of free dog food." 2329 01:44:16,571 --> 01:44:18,205 [laughter] 2330 01:44:19,305 --> 01:44:20,971 What are you doing? Go get that. 2331 01:44:21,038 --> 01:44:23,638 This is a reduce-reuse-recycle house, okay? 2332 01:44:24,471 --> 01:44:25,571 [sighs] Shit. 2333 01:44:27,071 --> 01:44:28,971 I said boyfriend and a lot of you are confused. 2334 01:44:29,038 --> 01:44:30,605 I also thought I was a lesbian. 2335 01:44:30,671 --> 01:44:32,338 [laughter] 2336 01:44:33,038 --> 01:44:34,505 [chuckles] 2337 01:44:34,571 --> 01:44:36,438 It turned out I was just really fat. 2338 01:44:36,505 --> 01:44:38,071 [laughter] 2339 01:44:39,438 --> 01:44:41,305 Being a lesbian is cool if you're fat 2340 01:44:41,371 --> 01:44:43,971 'cause you get to eat and eat and never get stuffed. 2341 01:44:44,038 --> 01:44:46,338 [laughter] 2342 01:44:46,405 --> 01:44:48,838 [applause] 2343 01:44:50,338 --> 01:44:51,938 Plus, you get to lick the plate. 2344 01:44:52,005 --> 01:44:53,438 [laughter] 2345 01:44:54,705 --> 01:44:57,471 There's a classic disco track called "Born To Be Alive" 2346 01:44:57,538 --> 01:44:59,705 which is a stupid title 'cause we all were. 2347 01:45:00,271 --> 01:45:02,871 But I heard about a guy who was not born to be alive. 2348 01:45:03,505 --> 01:45:04,438 He was still born. 2349 01:45:05,105 --> 01:45:06,971 -[laughter] -[meow plays] 2350 01:45:10,605 --> 01:45:13,638 A rock solid set from Serena Teal. 2351 01:45:13,705 --> 01:45:15,405 -Welcome, Serena. -Thank you. 2352 01:45:15,471 --> 01:45:17,338 This is your first time on the show, right? 2353 01:45:17,405 --> 01:45:18,805 It is. It's good to be here. 2354 01:45:18,871 --> 01:45:20,738 Awesome. How long you been doing stand-up? 2355 01:45:20,805 --> 01:45:22,338 Um… [stammers] 2356 01:45:22,405 --> 01:45:23,871 I say about a year and a half. 2357 01:45:24,571 --> 01:45:26,905 It's more than that. But in a really small scene before 2358 01:45:26,971 --> 01:45:29,005 so it doesn't translate to the same amount of time. 2359 01:45:29,071 --> 01:45:31,071 [Tony] The 2014 pandemic got ya? 2360 01:45:31,805 --> 01:45:34,605 Hell yeah. I love it. What do you do for work? 2361 01:45:34,671 --> 01:45:36,405 Um, I'm a barista. 2362 01:45:36,471 --> 01:45:38,338 -[Tony] Ooh. -Of course. 2363 01:45:38,405 --> 01:45:41,271 Wow. And you're a straight woman or a lesbian. 2364 01:45:41,338 --> 01:45:44,071 -I couldn't quite gather from your set. -I am a straight woman. 2365 01:45:44,138 --> 01:45:47,205 -Okay. The rare straight barista. -[laughter] 2366 01:45:47,271 --> 01:45:49,971 You can tell 'cause I don't have a septum ring. 2367 01:45:50,038 --> 01:45:52,438 -It's a big giveaway. -I love it. 2368 01:45:52,505 --> 01:45:55,738 Welcome. Welcome to the show. Where are you… are you from here? 2369 01:45:55,805 --> 01:45:58,071 -I live here now. -[Tony] Where are you from? 2370 01:45:58,138 --> 01:46:01,005 I started in Montana. I was there for 10 years. 2371 01:46:01,071 --> 01:46:02,705 [Tony] Okay, wow. 2372 01:46:02,771 --> 01:46:05,138 -Thanks. -Montana. What was that like? 2373 01:46:06,471 --> 01:46:08,705 It's really cool. I mean, I love it there. 2374 01:46:08,771 --> 01:46:11,371 -I was there on and off for 10 years. -[Tony] Which town? 2375 01:46:11,438 --> 01:46:12,738 Bozeman. Yeah. 2376 01:46:14,571 --> 01:46:16,838 Yeah, it's a really cool place to get to live. 2377 01:46:16,905 --> 01:46:19,271 I'm really into rock climbing. Again, straight. 2378 01:46:19,338 --> 01:46:20,871 [laughter] 2379 01:46:20,938 --> 01:46:22,438 [Tony] Sounds of the wolves… 2380 01:46:22,505 --> 01:46:26,005 -It's a cool place to get to do that. -Your parents are still there? 2381 01:46:26,071 --> 01:46:28,038 No, they-- I didn't grow up there. 2382 01:46:28,105 --> 01:46:29,838 I went to college there, so… 2383 01:46:30,471 --> 01:46:31,605 -Yeah. -[Tony] Oh. Okay. 2384 01:46:31,671 --> 01:46:33,205 -Where'd you grow up? -Chicago. 2385 01:46:33,271 --> 01:46:35,105 -[cheers, applause] -Chicago? Nice. All right. 2386 01:46:35,171 --> 01:46:36,571 -Hell yeah. -And now you-- 2387 01:46:36,638 --> 01:46:38,638 Some fellow North Siders in the house. 2388 01:46:38,705 --> 01:46:40,405 -Now you live here? -Yes. Yeah. 2389 01:46:40,471 --> 01:46:42,105 Okay, awesome. 2390 01:46:42,638 --> 01:46:45,038 -And how long have you lived here? -Three months. 2391 01:46:45,105 --> 01:46:47,271 -[Tony] Three months. How do you like it? -I love it. 2392 01:46:47,338 --> 01:46:49,438 [Tony] What do you do for fun around town? 2393 01:46:49,505 --> 01:46:51,038 I go to the gym a lot. 2394 01:46:51,105 --> 01:46:53,238 I do a lot of comedy. 2395 01:46:54,338 --> 01:46:55,738 [laughter] 2396 01:46:56,371 --> 01:46:58,738 It occupies a lot of time. 2397 01:46:58,805 --> 01:47:01,071 Again, still into rock climbing. 2398 01:47:03,338 --> 01:47:04,305 [chuckles] 2399 01:47:04,405 --> 01:47:05,371 Okay. 2400 01:47:05,438 --> 01:47:10,205 I wish I had something spicy to give you, but I don't. 2401 01:47:10,271 --> 01:47:13,238 -That's fine. You have a boyfriend? -No. 2402 01:47:13,305 --> 01:47:14,138 Yes! 2403 01:47:14,205 --> 01:47:15,638 Redban's very excited. 2404 01:47:15,705 --> 01:47:16,905 [laughter] 2405 01:47:17,338 --> 01:47:18,838 What type of guys do you like? 2406 01:47:18,905 --> 01:47:20,205 Um… I… 2407 01:47:20,271 --> 01:47:23,805 This whole jujitsu and Burt Reynolds mustache thing 2408 01:47:23,871 --> 01:47:25,771 that's going on is really working for me. 2409 01:47:25,838 --> 01:47:28,071 I really like that. I like a masculine man. 2410 01:47:28,605 --> 01:47:30,271 -[Redban softly] Fuck! -[laughter] 2411 01:47:30,338 --> 01:47:31,805 -Redban's… -Sorry. 2412 01:47:31,871 --> 01:47:33,138 [laughter] 2413 01:47:33,838 --> 01:47:35,338 -I loved your set. -Thank you. 2414 01:47:35,405 --> 01:47:38,471 How long of a set do you think you have? 2415 01:47:39,871 --> 01:47:42,171 I feel like, confidently… 2416 01:47:42,238 --> 01:47:43,671 Like a good 10. 2417 01:47:44,605 --> 01:47:47,038 [Redban] I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. 2418 01:47:47,105 --> 01:47:49,438 [Tony] Ooh, la, la. You just got booked for a real spot. 2419 01:47:49,505 --> 01:47:51,105 [cheers, applause] 2420 01:47:51,171 --> 01:47:53,138 [Serena] Thank you. Holy shit. [laughs] 2421 01:47:54,171 --> 01:47:55,171 Wow. 2422 01:47:57,138 --> 01:47:58,471 And I loved your minute. 2423 01:47:58,538 --> 01:48:02,471 And it's so hard, as you can tell, 2424 01:48:02,538 --> 01:48:04,871 by the numbers, the straight odds 2425 01:48:04,938 --> 01:48:07,205 of how few women signed up. 2426 01:48:07,271 --> 01:48:12,238 I had to pull multiple names just to even get to a female comedian. 2427 01:48:12,305 --> 01:48:14,571 So I want to do something kind of cool. 2428 01:48:14,638 --> 01:48:16,071 We are going… 2429 01:48:16,138 --> 01:48:18,871 I want to see another minute of yours. 2430 01:48:18,938 --> 01:48:21,138 A new minute that you didn't do here. 2431 01:48:21,205 --> 01:48:25,005 And what do you say, we do it at Madison Square Garden 2432 01:48:25,071 --> 01:48:27,138 -on August 16? -[cheers, applause] 2433 01:48:28,038 --> 01:48:29,971 -Okay. -Okay, great. 2434 01:48:31,205 --> 01:48:34,471 So we'll have a female comedian already baked into the show. 2435 01:48:35,138 --> 01:48:38,538 Madison Square Garden in New York City… 2436 01:48:38,605 --> 01:48:40,171 -Oh, my God. -[Tony] …August 16. 2437 01:48:40,238 --> 01:48:42,505 We'll see a new minute from Serena Teal. 2438 01:48:43,171 --> 01:48:44,138 How cool is that? 2439 01:48:44,205 --> 01:48:46,038 Wow. Thank you so much. 2440 01:48:46,105 --> 01:48:48,605 [Tony] …three, four, five months to prepare. 2441 01:48:48,671 --> 01:48:49,871 There goes Serena Teal. 2442 01:48:49,938 --> 01:48:51,205 Here's the big joke book. 2443 01:48:51,271 --> 01:48:52,271 Boom. 2444 01:48:52,338 --> 01:48:55,505 She catches it, British men don't catch it. 2445 01:48:55,571 --> 01:48:56,438 Take note. 2446 01:48:56,505 --> 01:48:57,671 [applause] 2447 01:48:57,738 --> 01:48:59,771 Take note, people. 2448 01:48:59,838 --> 01:49:01,871 [Donald] It used to be impossible… 2449 01:49:01,938 --> 01:49:03,305 [band playing funky music] 2450 01:49:03,371 --> 01:49:04,305 Excuse me. 2451 01:49:04,371 --> 01:49:05,838 [laughter] 2452 01:49:05,905 --> 01:49:07,105 It used to be impossible 2453 01:49:07,171 --> 01:49:09,271 for a comedian to perform at Madison Square Garden. 2454 01:49:09,338 --> 01:49:14,571 And here in Austin, you can literally show up and shit in an alley. 2455 01:49:14,638 --> 01:49:17,605 -[laughter] -And a gay guy brings you. 2456 01:49:17,671 --> 01:49:20,438 And a gay man says, "We're gonna go to Madison Square Garden." 2457 01:49:20,505 --> 01:49:22,471 -Isn't that amazing? -[laughter] 2458 01:49:22,538 --> 01:49:24,738 -Isn't that amazing? -It's true. 2459 01:49:24,805 --> 01:49:28,538 All thanks to the booming economy that you've provided. 2460 01:49:28,605 --> 01:49:30,271 What a great economy here. 2461 01:49:30,338 --> 01:49:31,571 [laughter] 2462 01:49:34,571 --> 01:49:36,205 [Tony] I love it. 2463 01:49:36,271 --> 01:49:39,238 Ladies and gentlemen, we are… 2464 01:49:40,205 --> 01:49:41,738 right at the end of the show, 2465 01:49:41,805 --> 01:49:46,238 but I want to squeeze one more golden ticket winner up here. 2466 01:49:46,305 --> 01:49:48,638 -[cheers, applause] -This guy is one of the greatest 2467 01:49:48,705 --> 01:49:51,605 golden ticket winners in the history of the show. 2468 01:49:51,671 --> 01:49:52,971 I want to get him up here. 2469 01:49:53,038 --> 01:49:55,438 Make some noise. This is the long-awaited return. 2470 01:49:55,505 --> 01:49:59,138 A brand-new minute from Martin Phillips, everybody. 2471 01:49:59,205 --> 01:50:01,171 -[cheers, applause] -[upbeat music playing] 2472 01:50:07,138 --> 01:50:08,071 [music ends] 2473 01:50:08,671 --> 01:50:10,238 What's up? What's going on? 2474 01:50:10,305 --> 01:50:11,805 [cheers] 2475 01:50:13,105 --> 01:50:14,405 Anybody… 2476 01:50:15,038 --> 01:50:16,271 What the fuck was that? 2477 01:50:16,338 --> 01:50:17,871 [laughter] 2478 01:50:17,938 --> 01:50:18,871 [scoffs] 2479 01:50:18,938 --> 01:50:20,571 Drunk-ass motherfucker. 2480 01:50:21,838 --> 01:50:26,671 Anybody ever been crucified, you know? 2481 01:50:26,738 --> 01:50:31,171 People get crucified and they get their own personality. 2482 01:50:31,238 --> 01:50:34,438 You know, it's like, "We get it, okay?" 2483 01:50:34,505 --> 01:50:36,005 [laughter] 2484 01:50:37,705 --> 01:50:42,271 The Volkswagen Beetle was invented by the Nazis. 2485 01:50:42,338 --> 01:50:45,938 So that proved they had a fun side. 2486 01:50:46,005 --> 01:50:47,138 [laughter] 2487 01:50:47,205 --> 01:50:49,471 It's a silly car, you know? 2488 01:50:49,538 --> 01:50:52,605 And that's why you punch people when you see it. 2489 01:50:52,671 --> 01:50:54,838 Like, "Don't like this car." 2490 01:50:54,905 --> 01:50:56,005 You know, it's… 2491 01:50:56,905 --> 01:50:58,271 Okay, uh… 2492 01:50:58,771 --> 01:51:01,905 I still substitute now and then. 2493 01:51:02,538 --> 01:51:06,538 The other day, I was in school for a tornado drill. 2494 01:51:06,605 --> 01:51:10,071 We had to go into tornado drill position. 2495 01:51:10,138 --> 01:51:14,338 If you forget what a tornado drill position is, 2496 01:51:14,405 --> 01:51:17,705 here's a jingle to help remind you. 2497 01:51:17,771 --> 01:51:20,671 ♪ It's face down, asshole ♪ 2498 01:51:20,738 --> 01:51:23,071 ♪ That's the way we survive a tornado ♪ 2499 01:51:23,138 --> 01:51:24,305 [laughter] 2500 01:51:24,371 --> 01:51:27,005 -Thank you. -Martin Phillips with another new minute. 2501 01:51:27,071 --> 01:51:27,938 [applause] 2502 01:51:28,005 --> 01:51:31,971 One of the great Golden Ticket winners in the show's history. 2503 01:51:34,138 --> 01:51:35,605 Martin, you've done it again. 2504 01:51:35,671 --> 01:51:37,571 I thought you were done substitute teaching. 2505 01:51:37,638 --> 01:51:39,671 Yeah, I need stuff to do during the day. 2506 01:51:39,738 --> 01:51:43,371 And so every now and then, I make an appearance 2507 01:51:43,438 --> 01:51:46,738 and just chill in the high school. 2508 01:51:46,805 --> 01:51:48,071 Can you mow lawns? 2509 01:51:48,138 --> 01:51:50,438 -Oh. Don't trust me with that. -[Tony] Yeah. 2510 01:51:50,505 --> 01:51:51,405 [laughter] 2511 01:51:51,471 --> 01:51:53,838 Probably in a circle or something like that. 2512 01:51:53,905 --> 01:51:54,771 [laughter] 2513 01:51:54,838 --> 01:51:57,771 We'd have to get a riding mower for you. 2514 01:51:57,838 --> 01:51:59,971 I want to fucking sit down. 2515 01:52:00,038 --> 01:52:02,171 [Tony] Sure. Absolutely. 2516 01:52:02,238 --> 01:52:04,538 What other kind of skills do you have, Martin? 2517 01:52:04,605 --> 01:52:06,238 I've never really asked before. 2518 01:52:06,305 --> 01:52:09,971 I've been saving this good story I have… 2519 01:52:10,038 --> 01:52:12,805 -Okay. -…for this big moment. 2520 01:52:16,671 --> 01:52:20,505 In college, I worked at a summer camp. 2521 01:52:20,571 --> 01:52:24,538 There's one guy we worked with, he was a douche. 2522 01:52:24,605 --> 01:52:27,538 But he was really nice to me 2523 01:52:28,105 --> 01:52:32,338 because he thought I was mentally challenged. 2524 01:52:32,405 --> 01:52:36,371 And so anyway, he would… 2525 01:52:36,438 --> 01:52:38,171 Which I don't get either. 2526 01:52:38,238 --> 01:52:40,071 I know, I'm weird, right? 2527 01:52:40,138 --> 01:52:41,338 [laughter] 2528 01:52:41,405 --> 01:52:42,805 Crazy. 2529 01:52:42,871 --> 01:52:44,538 He made that jump. 2530 01:52:45,405 --> 01:52:49,238 And speaking of a healthy challenge, everyone talks about the R word. 2531 01:52:49,305 --> 01:52:51,805 But there's another word that's used 2532 01:52:51,871 --> 01:52:55,038 that gives the same vibe. 2533 01:52:55,105 --> 01:52:58,638 It's when somebody calls me buddy. 2534 01:52:59,838 --> 01:53:02,305 Buddy. Same thing, really. 2535 01:53:04,738 --> 01:53:09,205 This guy would do stuff for me, and I would just go with it. 2536 01:53:09,271 --> 01:53:10,805 I'm like, "Yeah, whatever." 2537 01:53:10,871 --> 01:53:12,538 Do my laundry, sure." 2538 01:53:12,605 --> 01:53:15,671 -[laughter] -But nobody liked him. 2539 01:53:15,738 --> 01:53:19,971 So I was like, "Man, I wonder how far I can take this." 2540 01:53:20,038 --> 01:53:24,771 So one day, I was brainstorming with my fellow co-workers. 2541 01:53:24,838 --> 01:53:27,971 I was like, "Do you think he'd" 2542 01:53:28,038 --> 01:53:29,638 wipe my ass?" 2543 01:53:29,705 --> 01:53:31,205 [laughter] 2544 01:53:31,771 --> 01:53:36,871 We came out with an entire plan to get this done. 2545 01:53:37,438 --> 01:53:40,138 But I pussied out because, 2546 01:53:40,205 --> 01:53:43,271 one, it's pretty mean. 2547 01:53:43,338 --> 01:53:44,705 [laughter] 2548 01:53:44,771 --> 01:53:47,038 And two, I was like, 2549 01:53:47,105 --> 01:53:50,938 "This might be borderline sexual harassment." 2550 01:53:51,005 --> 01:53:52,405 [laughter] 2551 01:53:52,471 --> 01:53:55,771 I backed out, and he hasn't, till this day… 2552 01:53:55,838 --> 01:53:59,671 He has no idea how close he was 2553 01:53:59,738 --> 01:54:02,105 to wiping my anus. 2554 01:54:02,171 --> 01:54:04,805 He was so close, okay. 2555 01:54:04,871 --> 01:54:07,171 [Tony] Wow. Incredible. 2556 01:54:07,238 --> 01:54:08,838 [cheers, applause] 2557 01:54:09,371 --> 01:54:11,205 How old were you when this happened? 2558 01:54:12,305 --> 01:54:13,938 Like 22. 2559 01:54:14,005 --> 01:54:14,905 Twenty two. 2560 01:54:14,971 --> 01:54:16,471 A grown man. 2561 01:54:16,538 --> 01:54:17,905 How old was he? 2562 01:54:17,971 --> 01:54:19,238 Probably the same age. 2563 01:54:19,305 --> 01:54:22,005 And he just had never heard of cerebral palsy before. 2564 01:54:22,071 --> 01:54:24,638 I think he just looks at people like me, 2565 01:54:25,071 --> 01:54:26,738 "That guy's retarded." 2566 01:54:26,805 --> 01:54:28,171 [laughter] 2567 01:54:28,871 --> 01:54:29,705 So… 2568 01:54:29,771 --> 01:54:31,005 That's common, right? 2569 01:54:31,438 --> 01:54:32,271 What? 2570 01:54:32,338 --> 01:54:34,238 It's common for people to do that, right? 2571 01:54:34,305 --> 01:54:37,871 People are pretty condescending, so I guess. 2572 01:54:38,605 --> 01:54:42,471 It's funny, I'm not even trying to act retarded. 2573 01:54:43,405 --> 01:54:46,671 That's just my personality. 2574 01:54:46,738 --> 01:54:48,905 [laughter] 2575 01:54:48,971 --> 01:54:51,538 I would never make fun of the mentally, uh… 2576 01:54:51,605 --> 01:54:52,938 [laughter] 2577 01:54:53,005 --> 01:54:55,038 -handicapped. -[laughter] 2578 01:54:55,105 --> 01:54:58,505 Other than that one reporter that one time, that fucking guy. 2579 01:54:58,571 --> 01:55:00,005 Yeah, you remember? 2580 01:55:00,071 --> 01:55:01,505 [laughter] 2581 01:55:02,605 --> 01:55:04,305 He got his ass, and was that okay? 2582 01:55:04,371 --> 01:55:05,605 I feel like it was deserved. 2583 01:55:05,671 --> 01:55:07,738 I can do it. I can do that. 2584 01:55:07,805 --> 01:55:10,005 Yeah, I feel like it was totally fine, 2585 01:55:10,071 --> 01:55:12,771 and I appreciate you endorsing me, 2586 01:55:12,838 --> 01:55:16,238 -and the retarded community loves me. -[laughter] 2587 01:55:16,305 --> 01:55:18,405 [laughter] 2588 01:55:20,571 --> 01:55:23,305 [Martin] Okay, buddy. Okay, buddy. 2589 01:55:23,371 --> 01:55:25,238 [laughter] 2590 01:55:25,305 --> 01:55:27,005 Martin Phillips has done it again. 2591 01:55:27,071 --> 01:55:28,471 [cheers, applause] 2592 01:55:28,538 --> 01:55:29,538 Another great set. 2593 01:55:29,605 --> 01:55:30,771 Thank you, Martin. 2594 01:55:32,705 --> 01:55:35,938 One of the the great comedians in the history of the show. 2595 01:55:36,005 --> 01:55:40,105 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I can say with no hesitation, 2596 01:55:40,171 --> 01:55:42,938 there's only one way to end an episode like this. 2597 01:55:43,005 --> 01:55:43,905 [cheers, applause] 2598 01:55:43,971 --> 01:55:47,671 This next comedian, and your final comedian of the night 2599 01:55:47,738 --> 01:55:50,138 has the record out of everyone 2600 01:55:50,205 --> 01:55:52,571 for all-time appearances on this show. 2601 01:55:53,171 --> 01:55:56,638 All-time most interviews on this show. 2602 01:55:56,705 --> 01:55:59,771 Hall of Famer in the Kill Tony universe. 2603 01:55:59,838 --> 01:56:00,871 He has every record, 2604 01:56:00,938 --> 01:56:03,571 his parents have been panelists on this show. 2605 01:56:03,638 --> 01:56:04,805 We've seen it all. 2606 01:56:04,871 --> 01:56:08,638 This is his Netflix debut. 2607 01:56:08,705 --> 01:56:10,871 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… 2608 01:56:10,938 --> 01:56:13,371 So many of you are seeing him for the first time. 2609 01:56:13,871 --> 01:56:16,705 A man with hundreds and hundreds of sets. 2610 01:56:16,771 --> 01:56:19,105 Some call him the Memphis Strangler. 2611 01:56:19,171 --> 01:56:20,871 The Vanilla Gorilla. 2612 01:56:20,938 --> 01:56:24,071 -[cheers, applause] -This is the Big Red Machine, 2613 01:56:24,138 --> 01:56:27,405 William "Lights Out" Montgomery. 2614 01:56:27,471 --> 01:56:29,771 -[upbeat music playing] -[cheers, applause] 2615 01:56:35,638 --> 01:56:36,671 [music ends] 2616 01:56:36,738 --> 01:56:38,205 [cheering] 2617 01:56:41,138 --> 01:56:44,671 You know one of the best ways to avoid going to the dentist 2618 01:56:44,738 --> 01:56:49,205 is to grab your car keys and throw those motherfuckers away! 2619 01:56:50,205 --> 01:56:52,438 I ain't never going to the dentist! 2620 01:56:52,505 --> 01:56:53,705 [cheers] 2621 01:56:53,771 --> 01:56:55,005 The optometrist. 2622 01:56:55,071 --> 01:56:56,471 Fuck that. 2623 01:56:56,538 --> 01:56:59,805 I could be hallucinating right now, and I wouldn't even know it. 2624 01:56:59,871 --> 01:57:03,971 The last time I went to the optometrist, he said I was third eye blind. 2625 01:57:04,038 --> 01:57:05,605 [laughter] 2626 01:57:09,771 --> 01:57:13,871 I just found out Len Bias died because his coke was too pure. 2627 01:57:13,938 --> 01:57:18,038 Meanwhile, my bags of coke were rockier than Redban's first marriage. 2628 01:57:18,105 --> 01:57:19,971 [laughter] 2629 01:57:20,505 --> 01:57:22,705 He actually had a pretty good first marriage 2630 01:57:22,771 --> 01:57:24,405 before she died mysteriously. 2631 01:57:24,471 --> 01:57:25,571 [laughter] 2632 01:57:25,638 --> 01:57:30,071 And by the way, earlier, Redban was asking me what channel Netflix was on. 2633 01:57:30,138 --> 01:57:31,705 [laughter] 2634 01:57:32,071 --> 01:57:33,405 [applause] 2635 01:57:33,471 --> 01:57:36,038 It's on the computer, dumb ass! 2636 01:57:36,871 --> 01:57:38,738 It's a streaming thing. 2637 01:57:38,805 --> 01:57:40,238 [laughter, applause] 2638 01:57:41,505 --> 01:57:43,871 He's had too much to fuck. 2639 01:57:43,938 --> 01:57:47,538 That is the guy removing an unruly man from an orgy. 2640 01:57:47,605 --> 01:57:49,171 [laughter] 2641 01:57:53,171 --> 01:57:54,338 At least once a week, 2642 01:57:54,405 --> 01:57:56,905 someone steals the trash out of my trash can. 2643 01:57:56,971 --> 01:58:00,205 Typically, it's on Thursdays around 8:30 a.m. 2644 01:58:00,271 --> 01:58:01,738 [laughter] 2645 01:58:01,805 --> 01:58:04,871 Okay, I was insinuating a trash can person. 2646 01:58:04,938 --> 01:58:06,705 -A… -Trash man. 2647 01:58:06,771 --> 01:58:08,505 Trash man, not a trash can person. 2648 01:58:08,571 --> 01:58:09,505 Yeah. Sorry. 2649 01:58:09,571 --> 01:58:11,171 That's my time, Tony. 2650 01:58:11,238 --> 01:58:13,771 [cheers, applause] 2651 01:58:13,838 --> 01:58:17,271 Such an interesting side… 2652 01:58:17,338 --> 01:58:20,638 Tony, this was like my fucking opportunity of my life, 2653 01:58:20,705 --> 01:58:24,271 and I feel like I really majorly fucked it up right there, Tony. 2654 01:58:24,338 --> 01:58:27,271 -Why does this shit always happen to me? -[laughter] 2655 01:58:27,338 --> 01:58:31,338 Well, you decided to go with some not so topical references. 2656 01:58:31,405 --> 01:58:33,771 Uh… Third Eye Blind. 2657 01:58:33,838 --> 01:58:35,105 [laughter] 2658 01:58:35,171 --> 01:58:37,605 -Len Bias? -Yeah, Len Bias. 2659 01:58:37,671 --> 01:58:38,871 [Tony] When did that happen? 2660 01:58:38,938 --> 01:58:41,671 I think it was early '90s. 2661 01:58:41,738 --> 01:58:43,505 -[Tom] Like '84. -'84. 2662 01:58:43,571 --> 01:58:45,371 -[Tony] The mid-80s. -[laughter] 2663 01:58:45,438 --> 01:58:50,138 So here you are on the almost about 40-year anniversary of the death of him. 2664 01:58:50,205 --> 01:58:52,271 -[William] Of Len Bias. -Basketball player. 2665 01:58:52,338 --> 01:58:54,471 -[William] Yeah. -Just throwing it out there. 2666 01:58:54,538 --> 01:58:57,638 Yeah, yeah, I was thinking that would be a good way to get Redban 2667 01:58:57,705 --> 01:59:00,305 talking about his first marriage that he had before he met Janice. 2668 01:59:00,371 --> 01:59:02,438 -[Tony] I don't think-- -Never been married before. 2669 01:59:02,505 --> 01:59:03,671 [Tony] That's never happened. 2670 01:59:03,738 --> 01:59:05,305 [William] That's not what you told me 2671 01:59:05,371 --> 01:59:07,105 a couple of weeks ago, you fucking idiot. 2672 01:59:07,171 --> 01:59:09,171 -[laughter] -Seriously, did you literally 2673 01:59:09,238 --> 01:59:11,471 plan on sabotaging my deal up here tonight? 2674 01:59:11,538 --> 01:59:14,105 I literally have an adidas fucking shirt on, 2675 01:59:14,171 --> 01:59:16,371 and then they're telling me I have to do it inside out. 2676 01:59:16,438 --> 01:59:19,138 -adidas is my new sponsor, y'all. -[cheers, applause] 2677 01:59:19,205 --> 01:59:22,071 I was gonna announce it on fucking Netflix, 2678 01:59:22,138 --> 01:59:24,771 but it's like they made me fucking turn it around. 2679 01:59:24,838 --> 01:59:27,071 And then the set doesn't go good. 2680 01:59:27,138 --> 01:59:28,071 It's just… 2681 01:59:28,138 --> 01:59:29,205 [laughter] 2682 01:59:29,271 --> 01:59:31,938 Have you thought about Love on the Spectrum, maybe? 2683 01:59:32,005 --> 01:59:33,505 [laughter, exclaiming] 2684 01:59:33,571 --> 01:59:34,405 Whoa. Redban. 2685 01:59:34,471 --> 01:59:38,138 [mocking] Have you thought about Love on the Spectrum, maybe? 2686 01:59:38,205 --> 01:59:41,471 -[laughter] -God, you sound like a fucking idiot. 2687 01:59:41,571 --> 01:59:42,405 [plays sting] 2688 01:59:42,471 --> 01:59:45,271 It's like, what kind of little monster person just said that? 2689 01:59:45,338 --> 01:59:46,205 [plays sting] 2690 01:59:46,271 --> 01:59:48,171 You're fucking little voice you have, dumb ass. 2691 01:59:48,238 --> 01:59:51,405 -[plays sting] -[mocking] …the spectrum. 2692 01:59:51,471 --> 01:59:52,371 [plays sting] 2693 01:59:52,438 --> 01:59:55,138 I feel I'm having a stroke up here, Redban. 2694 01:59:55,205 --> 01:59:56,838 -[plays sting] -[laughter] 2695 01:59:56,905 --> 01:59:59,205 For those of you watching around the world right now, 2696 01:59:59,271 --> 02:00:02,005 wondering why everyone in the room is laughing 2697 02:00:02,071 --> 02:00:04,271 and why we're all laughing so hard, it's… 2698 02:00:04,871 --> 02:00:08,205 Because Redban lied to me about being fucking married before. 2699 02:00:08,271 --> 02:00:09,371 -[plays sting] -[laughter] 2700 02:00:09,438 --> 02:00:11,905 That's bullshit, dude. Two weeks ago. 2701 02:00:11,971 --> 02:00:13,571 -[plays sting] -[laughter] 2702 02:00:13,638 --> 02:00:16,438 We do this every single week. 2703 02:00:16,505 --> 02:00:17,738 And every week-- 2704 02:00:17,805 --> 02:00:20,338 We were doing fucking poppers in his bedroom. Ah! 2705 02:00:20,405 --> 02:00:22,005 -[plays sting] -[laughter] 2706 02:00:22,071 --> 02:00:23,838 [applause] 2707 02:00:24,171 --> 02:00:25,238 Whoa. 2708 02:00:25,838 --> 02:00:26,871 This happens. 2709 02:00:26,938 --> 02:00:29,738 A lot of new viewers are watching you for the first time, 2710 02:00:29,805 --> 02:00:32,538 wondering why everyone is laughing so hard. 2711 02:00:32,605 --> 02:00:34,838 -[laughter] -He has his own style. 2712 02:00:34,905 --> 02:00:36,471 It's a different… 2713 02:00:36,538 --> 02:00:38,271 It's unlike anything else. 2714 02:00:38,338 --> 02:00:40,771 Sometimes he just snaps and screams 2715 02:00:40,838 --> 02:00:42,638 -and says things fast. -Tony… 2716 02:00:42,705 --> 02:00:46,805 -[cheers, applause] -But trust me, it's very addicting. 2717 02:00:46,871 --> 02:00:48,071 You will get addicted to it. 2718 02:00:48,138 --> 02:00:50,071 -President Trump. -[Donald] You're exactly right. 2719 02:00:50,138 --> 02:00:52,671 This is something that needs to be explained to the viewers. 2720 02:00:52,738 --> 02:00:56,271 Unlike Casey Rocket, who everyone at home understood perfectly. 2721 02:00:56,338 --> 02:00:57,538 [laughter] 2722 02:00:57,605 --> 02:00:59,038 This guy is different. 2723 02:00:59,105 --> 02:01:03,138 And Casey, to all the viewers, immediately they understood. 2724 02:01:03,205 --> 02:01:04,705 [laughter] 2725 02:01:09,571 --> 02:01:10,938 And Casey is a dear friend, 2726 02:01:11,005 --> 02:01:13,038 watch The William Montgomery Show on YouTube. 2727 02:01:13,105 --> 02:01:15,205 -[laughter] -And he's your co-host. 2728 02:01:16,905 --> 02:01:18,871 We just talking about some bullshit! 2729 02:01:18,938 --> 02:01:21,038 -[plays sting] -[laughter] 2730 02:01:22,571 --> 02:01:26,138 Third Eye Blind, Len Bias. 2731 02:01:26,205 --> 02:01:28,471 There was a trash man. 2732 02:01:28,538 --> 02:01:31,238 Uh, the guy picks up your trash Thursday-- 2733 02:01:31,305 --> 02:01:32,938 Every Thursday, 8:30 a.m. 2734 02:01:33,005 --> 02:01:34,971 I'm thinking, "Oh, my gosh, it'd be hilarious 2735 02:01:35,038 --> 02:01:36,838 to act like I don't know what it is, 2736 02:01:36,905 --> 02:01:37,871 but it's actually… 2737 02:01:37,938 --> 02:01:39,038 It's just a trash can. 2738 02:01:39,105 --> 02:01:41,538 It's a trash can guy just getting the… 2739 02:01:41,605 --> 02:01:42,538 Trash can guy. 2740 02:01:42,605 --> 02:01:44,738 Trash can guy getting the trash in the morning. 2741 02:01:44,805 --> 02:01:47,105 -A garbage man. -A garbage man. 2742 02:01:47,171 --> 02:01:48,071 Okay. 2743 02:01:48,138 --> 02:01:49,371 [laughter] 2744 02:01:50,805 --> 02:01:52,905 [laughter] 2745 02:01:54,838 --> 02:01:56,671 [laughter] 2746 02:01:56,738 --> 02:01:58,271 How do you feel right now, Willie? 2747 02:01:59,071 --> 02:02:00,571 I don't know, a little overwhelmed. 2748 02:02:00,638 --> 02:02:03,105 I was thinking this was a good opportunity for me, 2749 02:02:03,171 --> 02:02:06,738 and I've really dropped the ball on all of those fucking jokes. 2750 02:02:06,805 --> 02:02:08,571 It's… [sighs] 2751 02:02:08,638 --> 02:02:11,305 -But you tend to come back every week. -[laughter] 2752 02:02:11,371 --> 02:02:13,838 Are you thinking about, perhaps, this set… 2753 02:02:13,905 --> 02:02:15,005 Maybe… 2754 02:02:15,071 --> 02:02:16,805 I mean, this is what you love. 2755 02:02:16,871 --> 02:02:18,738 You have your own different style. 2756 02:02:18,805 --> 02:02:20,905 Are you thinking about perhaps… 2757 02:02:20,971 --> 02:02:22,471 Are you gonna thinking about-- 2758 02:02:22,538 --> 02:02:24,805 Tony, I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! 2759 02:02:24,871 --> 02:02:27,205 -[playing sting] -[laughter, cheers, applause] 2760 02:02:28,271 --> 02:02:30,871 William Montgomery. 2761 02:02:37,938 --> 02:02:39,405 We love you, William. 2762 02:02:39,471 --> 02:02:41,771 Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. 2763 02:02:41,838 --> 02:02:43,771 [cheers, applause] 2764 02:02:46,538 --> 02:02:50,038 How fucking interesting. 2765 02:02:50,105 --> 02:02:52,371 -[exclaiming, cheering] -Oh, my goodness. 2766 02:02:53,271 --> 02:02:54,938 The King of Texas has arrived. 2767 02:02:55,005 --> 02:02:57,138 -[cheers, applause] -[upbeat music playing] 2768 02:03:01,005 --> 02:03:02,005 [music ends] 2769 02:03:03,071 --> 02:03:06,571 [Tony] The great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. 2770 02:03:06,638 --> 02:03:08,305 Children, children. 2771 02:03:09,238 --> 02:03:13,238 All right. Let me give you a little update on what's been going on with me, guys. 2772 02:03:14,005 --> 02:03:15,671 I got dumped by my girlfriend. 2773 02:03:15,738 --> 02:03:17,805 She's 70 years old. 2774 02:03:17,871 --> 02:03:21,805 I don't know if you've ever been dumped by a 70-year-old, but it's… 2775 02:03:21,871 --> 02:03:22,838 fine. 2776 02:03:22,905 --> 02:03:24,371 [audience laughs] 2777 02:03:24,438 --> 02:03:26,205 I'll tell you how it all went down. 2778 02:03:26,271 --> 02:03:29,371 I moved to Austin from Beverly Hills, 2779 02:03:29,438 --> 02:03:30,571 and when I moved here, 2780 02:03:30,638 --> 02:03:32,938 I bought the penthouse of a building downtown, 2781 02:03:33,005 --> 02:03:35,838 and I hired this girl to be my assistant, 2782 02:03:35,905 --> 02:03:38,805 and her job, every day at 10:30, was to make me breakfast, 2783 02:03:38,871 --> 02:03:40,671 and I woke up to the smell of bacon, 2784 02:03:40,738 --> 02:03:44,205 and I got food without having to listen to a ration of shit to get it. 2785 02:03:45,005 --> 02:03:46,871 And it was absolutely lovely. 2786 02:03:46,938 --> 02:03:48,338 It was lovely. 2787 02:03:48,405 --> 02:03:49,738 But I was kind of lonely, 2788 02:03:49,805 --> 02:03:52,705 and I met a girl in California and she moved out. 2789 02:03:52,771 --> 02:03:55,238 And she didn't like Katie or her breakfasts 2790 02:03:55,305 --> 02:03:56,571 or her cute little butt. 2791 02:03:56,638 --> 02:03:58,138 She didn't like the penthouse either 2792 02:03:58,205 --> 02:04:01,871 because of ghosts of pussy past or whatever the fuck she didn't like. 2793 02:04:02,671 --> 02:04:06,138 And she fired Katie and hired a dude. 2794 02:04:06,205 --> 02:04:08,171 Then I bought a house in the suburbs. 2795 02:04:08,238 --> 02:04:10,471 She moved back to California. 2796 02:04:10,538 --> 02:04:14,371 And now I live in the suburbs with a gay man named Robert. 2797 02:04:14,438 --> 02:04:16,271 [audience laughing] 2798 02:04:18,571 --> 02:04:20,771 Not exactly the way I mapped it out, 2799 02:04:20,838 --> 02:04:22,205 but it ain't that bad. 2800 02:04:22,271 --> 02:04:24,605 [audience laughing] 2801 02:04:24,671 --> 02:04:26,938 He's got a background in interior design, 2802 02:04:27,005 --> 02:04:31,238 and my house looks like a fucking Four Seasons every goddamn day. 2803 02:04:31,305 --> 02:04:34,105 -[audience cheers] -Every pillow in place, 2804 02:04:34,171 --> 02:04:38,471 every bed made perfect, house stocked perfectly. 2805 02:04:38,538 --> 02:04:41,938 His boyfriend works at the fragrance counter at Neiman Marcus, 2806 02:04:42,005 --> 02:04:44,438 and the three of us smell terrific. 2807 02:04:44,505 --> 02:04:46,505 [audience laughing] 2808 02:04:48,471 --> 02:04:52,071 I'm not gay, but I've been saying some pretty gay shit lately. 2809 02:04:54,071 --> 02:04:57,505 Robert and I are thinking about putting curtains in the nook. 2810 02:05:00,971 --> 02:05:02,171 Thanks, guys. 2811 02:05:02,238 --> 02:05:04,171 [Tony] Ron White. 2812 02:05:05,738 --> 02:05:07,805 For those of you that don't know, 2813 02:05:07,871 --> 02:05:10,138 Ron is, without a doubt, 2814 02:05:10,205 --> 02:05:12,105 one of the big reasons 2815 02:05:12,971 --> 02:05:16,838 that all of this has happened here in Austin, right, Joe? 2816 02:05:16,905 --> 02:05:18,005 I mean, he was-- 2817 02:05:18,071 --> 02:05:20,038 Yeah, he convinced me to buy this club. 2818 02:05:20,105 --> 02:05:22,105 [audience cheers] 2819 02:05:23,705 --> 02:05:26,071 I actually recommended another place, 2820 02:05:26,138 --> 02:05:28,671 but Joe figured this one out on his own. 2821 02:05:28,738 --> 02:05:31,805 You know what? I didn't-- I had a hard time with the pandemic, 2822 02:05:31,871 --> 02:05:34,471 and I really struggled with my career at that point, 2823 02:05:34,538 --> 02:05:35,638 and I moved here, 2824 02:05:35,705 --> 02:05:37,871 and it seems like we got a collective going, 2825 02:05:37,938 --> 02:05:41,305 and this is what's happening on a Monday night in Austin, Texas. 2826 02:05:41,371 --> 02:05:44,538 This is just a Monday night. This is what we do every week here. 2827 02:05:45,371 --> 02:05:49,138 So… And I like to salute the Kill Tony show 2828 02:05:49,205 --> 02:05:51,505 for its inclusiveness because it doesn't matter 2829 02:05:52,471 --> 02:05:55,171 at all who you are, you can get on this show. 2830 02:05:55,238 --> 02:05:58,438 It doesn't matter if you can talk. It doesn't matter what color you are. 2831 02:05:58,505 --> 02:05:59,905 It doesn't matter what nationality. 2832 02:05:59,971 --> 02:06:01,071 If you're in a wheelchair, 2833 02:06:01,138 --> 02:06:04,038 we will pick it up and put it on the stage for you. 2834 02:06:04,105 --> 02:06:08,105 It is an open stage for people who want to try to be funny, 2835 02:06:08,171 --> 02:06:11,971 and if you get up here from a bucket pull and you suck, 2836 02:06:12,038 --> 02:06:14,605 you can remind us all just how fucking hard this is. 2837 02:06:15,438 --> 02:06:18,505 But anyway. And I want to thank the crowd for supporting this. 2838 02:06:18,571 --> 02:06:20,071 -It's all been lovely… -Hell yeah. 2839 02:06:20,138 --> 02:06:22,371 …and I want to say thank you to everybody 2840 02:06:22,438 --> 02:06:24,671 and thanks for supporting me for 38 years. 2841 02:06:24,738 --> 02:06:27,971 [Tony] Thank you. The great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. 2842 02:06:28,671 --> 02:06:33,938 He's right. Austin is a party, always. 2843 02:06:34,005 --> 02:06:36,871 Let's see who we have up on the VIP balcony tonight. 2844 02:06:36,938 --> 02:06:38,871 You never know who's gonna be here. 2845 02:06:38,938 --> 02:06:41,338 Oh. Look at this who's who. 2846 02:06:41,405 --> 02:06:45,938 Wow. Gary Clark Jr., the local legend, ladies and gentlemen. 2847 02:06:47,038 --> 02:06:49,505 One of the greatest guitar players in the world. 2848 02:06:49,571 --> 02:06:52,605 How about a hand for the great-- Look, it's Adam Ray. 2849 02:06:52,671 --> 02:06:54,705 -[audience cheers] -That's amazing. And… 2850 02:06:56,305 --> 02:06:59,238 Kyle Dunnigan, everyone. How exciting. 2851 02:06:59,305 --> 02:07:03,038 Two of the best guests in the history of the show. 2852 02:07:03,105 --> 02:07:06,071 Would've loved to have had you guys on. It's amazing. 2853 02:07:07,205 --> 02:07:11,571 It's amazing because RFK Jr. and Elon Musk 2854 02:07:11,638 --> 02:07:14,471 wanted me to plug Kyle Dunnigan tonight, 2855 02:07:14,538 --> 02:07:18,171 kyledunnigan.com for tour dates and everything. 2856 02:07:18,238 --> 02:07:19,805 Kyle Dunnigan, 2857 02:07:19,871 --> 02:07:25,005 and strangely enough, Dr. Phil and Joe Biden told me to promote Adam Ray. 2858 02:07:25,071 --> 02:07:26,205 How exciting. 2859 02:07:26,271 --> 02:07:30,305 He's on tour, adamraycomedy.com, right? 2860 02:07:31,205 --> 02:07:34,438 Dr. Phil's on tour, Adam Ray's on tour. 2861 02:07:34,505 --> 02:07:38,105 One more time for the Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross. 2862 02:07:39,438 --> 02:07:40,538 He's on tour, 2863 02:07:40,605 --> 02:07:42,371 Take A Banana For The Ride, 2864 02:07:42,438 --> 02:07:44,605 going all over the country. 2865 02:07:44,671 --> 02:07:45,838 So awesome. 2866 02:07:45,905 --> 02:07:48,205 We had fucking-- Did you guys have fun tonight? 2867 02:07:48,271 --> 02:07:49,338 [audience] Yeah! 2868 02:07:49,405 --> 02:07:50,905 [Tony] How about one more time 2869 02:07:50,971 --> 02:07:54,738 for the President of the United States of America, Donald Trump? 2870 02:07:54,805 --> 02:07:59,371 Tires, June 5th on Netflix. 2871 02:07:59,438 --> 02:08:02,305 One more time for the great and powerful Tom Segura. 2872 02:08:03,871 --> 02:08:08,371 Bad Thoughts, May 13th on Netflix. 2873 02:08:09,105 --> 02:08:11,805 The one and the only Joe Rogan. 2874 02:08:13,038 --> 02:08:16,538 Every single week, the biggest podcast in the world. 2875 02:08:17,138 --> 02:08:18,371 We're having fun. 2876 02:08:19,438 --> 02:08:21,771 I think Roseanne Barr's up there somewhere. 2877 02:08:21,838 --> 02:08:23,105 This place is crazy. 2878 02:08:24,138 --> 02:08:30,071 We love it. The Roseanne Barr Podcast, Madison Square Garden, August 16th. 2879 02:08:30,138 --> 02:08:31,071 Redban. 2880 02:08:31,138 --> 02:08:32,238 Thanks so much, guys. 2881 02:08:32,305 --> 02:08:33,738 We love you guys. 2882 02:08:33,805 --> 02:08:37,205 Thank you to Netflix, and thank you, the people. 2883 02:08:37,271 --> 02:08:38,838 God bless ya. 2884 02:08:38,905 --> 02:08:40,905 Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. 2885 02:08:41,605 --> 02:08:43,971 [sinister music playing] 2886 02:09:42,405 --> 02:09:44,405 [sinister music continues]