1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:38,873 So the beginning of comedy shows 4 00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,000 can be kind of weird sometimes, 5 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:45,046 because you don't know if it'll be funny. 6 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:49,258 So I mean, if it's not, it could just be weird 7 00:00:49,342 --> 00:00:51,093 and sad and tragic. 8 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,471 Hopefully it's not, 9 00:00:57,850 --> 00:01:00,394 but my friend, before his shows, he's a musician, 10 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:03,105 he gathers the whole band, and they pray, 11 00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:06,233 and I was backstage at one of his shows, 12 00:01:06,317 --> 00:01:08,235 and I was just stealing granola bars for later, 13 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:09,987 and then he looked at me and he is like, Kevin, 14 00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,030 will you lead us in prayer? 15 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,990 And I was like, like, now? 16 00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:17,244 He's like, yeah, and I was like, yeah, God, hey, 17 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:20,581 I pray that the audience enjoys the show, 18 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,291 and the band does a good job, 19 00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,169 and I pray that you have a good time, 20 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:28,089 and my friend looked at me, and he was like, 21 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:31,050 you just prayed, God would have a good time? 22 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,927 And then he walked on stage, 23 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,095 and then I went out to watch the show, 24 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,513 and my parents were there. 25 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,098 They're like, how's the band? 26 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,350 And I was like, they made fun of my prayer, 27 00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:41,727 and I told my mom what I said, 28 00:01:41,811 --> 00:01:43,646 and mom's always take their son's side. 29 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,648 She's like, well, I think that it's nice 30 00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,942 that you were thinking about God's feelings. 31 00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:53,030 So in honor of that, I'm, you know, 32 00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:56,367 everyone bow their heads, please, close their eyes. 33 00:01:56,450 --> 00:02:00,371 God, I pray that the audience enjoys the show 34 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,831 and finds it funny. 35 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:02,998 I pray that I'm funny. 36 00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:05,251 That's important for a comedy show, 37 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,337 but more important than anything, you got a lot 38 00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:11,132 of stuff on your plate punishing people 39 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,843 and rewarding people, kick back, relax, 40 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:16,971 and have a great time tonight, okay? 41 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:17,847 Amen. - Amen. 42 00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:24,395 Yeah, is that the first comedy show you've been to 43 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,272 that started with a prayer, I think. 44 00:02:27,565 --> 00:02:30,484 Yeah, did anybody get spanked growing up? 45 00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:31,527 Yeah. 46 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:35,114 Yeah, yeah, I got spanked with a paddle growing up. 47 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:37,324 That was our that, and it's weird, 48 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:39,785 because I feel like in the fifties, 49 00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:41,245 they just beat the shit outta kids. 50 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,997 There's just a belt, anything that was around, 51 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,832 they'd be like, shut up, right? 52 00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:46,834 And now, no one gets spanked. 53 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:50,629 I lived in this transitional period where we were spanked 54 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:53,174 with a paddle that had a cute little name. 55 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,635 Ours was called the attitude adjuster. 56 00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:58,220 If we got in trouble, my dad would be like, 57 00:02:58,304 --> 00:03:00,014 we're gonna get the attitude adjuster, 58 00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,682 and I've talked to other people, 59 00:03:01,766 --> 00:03:04,435 and they had paddles with names as well. 60 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,103 One person I talked to said theirs 61 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:08,189 was called the board of education, 62 00:03:10,566 --> 00:03:11,942 and then I talked to another person, 63 00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:16,072 and they had a paddle called, swear to God, mommy's hand. 64 00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:18,491 It was in the shape of a hand, 65 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:20,993 and it said, mommy's hand on it, 66 00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:23,245 and then their mom would take it and spank them. 67 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:25,831 I'm like, she has a hand that's a hat on a hat. 68 00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:28,501 Just use mommy's regular hand, okay? 69 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:31,921 And now, none of those paddles are used to hit kids now. 70 00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:34,298 Now they're all sold in BDSM shops 71 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:37,468 to spank adults with, right? 72 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,137 So if there's any kids that are still getting spanked 73 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,431 out there, this is how it will be the last time you 74 00:03:42,515 --> 00:03:43,474 ever get spanked, all right? 75 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,934 If you do something wrong, your dad's like, 76 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,894 I'm gonna get the attitude adjuster. 77 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,437 It's gonna hurt, but you just focus, 78 00:03:48,521 --> 00:03:50,940 you fight through the pain, and when your dad spanks you, 79 00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,692 you just look back and say, oh, 80 00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,402 have I been a naughty boy, daddy? 81 00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:58,698 He'll be like, whoa, never doing that again, wow. 82 00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:03,202 This family will use diplomacy henceforth for punishment. 83 00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:09,291 I was always annoyed, because I don't know what happened 84 00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:11,335 when my parents did something wrong. 85 00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:12,962 They didn't get in trouble. 86 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:15,047 I caught my mom in a lie one time. 87 00:04:15,131 --> 00:04:15,881 This is what happened. 88 00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,091 I was on the baseball team, 89 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,136 and I was like, I don't wanna play on the team anymore, 90 00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:20,970 and she's like, all right. 91 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:21,971 I'll call the coach. 92 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:25,266 So I quit the team, and the next day at school, I walked in, 93 00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:26,976 and this one kid who was on the team was like, 94 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,811 hey, man, hope your shoulder's better. 95 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:31,022 Everybody's praying for you. 96 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,314 So I went home and asked my mom. 97 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:34,108 I'm like, what'd you tell the coach? 98 00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:36,277 She's like, well, I told him that you injured your shoulder, 99 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,528 and I was like, why? 100 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,405 That's a lie, and she said, well, 101 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:42,199 it was the only way I could get the $75 fee back, 102 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,120 and I was like, so you lied? 103 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,371 That's wrong. 104 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:51,125 You're not supposed to lie, and my mom, she was like, Kevin, 105 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:54,086 there are bad lies and there aren't many, 106 00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:56,255 but there are some good lies. 107 00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:59,175 I'm like, mom, a good lie is like, no, officer, 108 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:01,135 there are no Jews in our basement. 109 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,055 Not my son injured his shoulders. 110 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,432 So can we have $75 back? 111 00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:12,063 Yeah, I went to school for musical theater. 112 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:13,981 Are there any theater majors in the building, anybody? 113 00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:15,900 Got a few, right? 114 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:19,528 See, I wanted to study theater, serious acting, 115 00:05:19,612 --> 00:05:21,155 and then they were like, 116 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:24,116 we will give you a scholarship if you study musical theater 117 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,787 instead of just regular theater, and I was like, all right. 118 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:31,082 So I went to school for musical theater, all right? 119 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:36,170 So I went to school for musical theater, all right? 120 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:41,092 Because they said, we will pay you $15,000 a year 121 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,468 if you do musical theater. 122 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,011 So I was like, what does that mean? 123 00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:46,514 And they're like, you take all the regular theater classes 124 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:49,558 and then on top of that you have to take dance classes 125 00:05:49,642 --> 00:05:52,728 and singing lessons, and I was like, all right. 126 00:05:52,812 --> 00:05:54,897 So I still get to take all the regular theater classes. 127 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:55,731 They're like, yeah. 128 00:05:55,815 --> 00:05:56,774 I had to take dance classes. 129 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,609 I don't know if there's anyone in the room 130 00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:01,862 who is not a dancer who has had to get in front of groups 131 00:06:01,946 --> 00:06:03,447 of people and dance. 132 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:07,159 It's very vulnerable and very embarrassing, okay? 133 00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:12,248 I was in this one class, jazz dance with Jody Welch. 134 00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,041 She was a very strict teacher, 135 00:06:14,125 --> 00:06:16,168 and I had to get a B or else I didn't pass 136 00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:18,170 and then move on to the next year of school. 137 00:06:18,254 --> 00:06:20,881 So I'm like practicing choreography and like, 138 00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:22,717 and then I have to get up in front of 25 people 139 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:23,509 and do it alone. 140 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,803 So I'm just like, all right, step, ball, change, 141 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:30,182 step, ball, change, pirouette, shimmy, step, ball, 142 00:06:30,266 --> 00:06:31,392 change practice, and watch this. 143 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,477 Look, look, I can do a pirouette, ready? 144 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,860 Yeah, I learned that in college, right? 145 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:43,904 So I had the pirouette down, I had the step, ball, change, 146 00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:44,905 and then I got to the shimmy, 147 00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:45,906 and then it's at the very end, right? 148 00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:48,993 So I do the whole thing, da-da-da, pirouette, shimmy, 149 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:49,827 and this is my shimmy. 150 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:53,831 I just go up, and I'm like nailing it, 151 00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:59,086 and my dance teacher just starts laughing like maniacally, 152 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,296 and I was like, what are you laughing at? 153 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,465 She's like, Kevin, a shimmy is this. 154 00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,759 It's just shoulders. 155 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:05,593 Just relax. 156 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:06,427 It's just shoulders. 157 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,012 There's no arms, just shoulders. 158 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:08,846 I was like, all right. 159 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,556 She's like, do it one more time, 160 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,099 and she's like, had her grade book out, 161 00:07:12,183 --> 00:07:13,726 and then I went, and I was like, step, ball, change, step, 162 00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:16,604 ball, change, pirouette, shimmy. 163 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:18,898 I was like, am I doing it? 164 00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,066 She's like, you're not doing it, 165 00:07:20,149 --> 00:07:21,776 and I was like, she's just laughing. 166 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:22,626 The whole class is laughing. 167 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,503 I'm like, I never asked for this! 168 00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,740 I wanna go to school for regular theater! 169 00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:34,705 This was my favorite class. 170 00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:39,669 My favorite class was the history of modern drama, 171 00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:41,420 because we got to study all the great plays 172 00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:42,630 throughout history. 173 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:45,383 It was awesome, starting like 3,000 years ago, 174 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:48,386 all the great tragedies, all the great comedies. 175 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:49,553 It was wonderful. 176 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,429 Gotta take a sip of water. 177 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:51,514 I shimmied too hard. 178 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:55,476 I shimmied too close to the sun, people. 179 00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,022 One more. 180 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:07,154 So we read this book by Plato, the philosopher, 181 00:08:07,947 --> 00:08:08,698 and it was... 182 00:08:08,781 --> 00:08:13,536 What, is that funny? 183 00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:17,248 He's a philosopher, right? 184 00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:22,336 Okay, so in drama school, in drama school, 185 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:27,299 we read Plato, the philosopher, and he talked about, Plato. 186 00:08:27,383 --> 00:08:28,676 Am I saying Play-doh instead? 187 00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:31,303 Is that what, okay, so in it, 188 00:08:31,387 --> 00:08:34,181 he talks about the origins of comedy. 189 00:08:34,265 --> 00:08:37,184 3,000 years ago, Plato said this about comedy. 190 00:08:37,268 --> 00:08:41,731 Comedy was developed in Athens at the Fallas festivals. 191 00:08:41,814 --> 00:08:43,691 These are festivals where men got up 192 00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:46,068 and made jokes about their penis. 193 00:08:46,152 --> 00:08:48,779 3,000, dude, standup is usually just guys 194 00:08:48,863 --> 00:08:50,156 on stage talking about their dick. 195 00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:53,701 3,000 years, no development in comedy. 196 00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:56,746 Still the same old shit, okay? 197 00:08:56,829 --> 00:08:59,915 Then he spends the rest of the book talking about tragedy 198 00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:01,834 and where tragedy came from and the nature of it. 199 00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,544 So we were reading that, we were talking about it, 200 00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:08,132 and then we read all of Shakespeare's tragedies, 201 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,508 and I don't wanna spoil anything, 202 00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,552 but do you guys know how tragedies end? 203 00:09:13,179 --> 00:09:14,638 Yeah, everybody dies. 204 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,767 Every time, everybody dies, and like Elizabeth in times, 205 00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:19,727 they're like, I wonder what's gonna happen to King Lear? 206 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,438 And they're like, I fucking know already, right? 207 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,107 So, but they don't die for just random reasons. 208 00:09:25,191 --> 00:09:28,944 No, they die because the lead character has a tragic flaw, 209 00:09:29,028 --> 00:09:31,238 Something that leads to their demise 210 00:09:31,322 --> 00:09:32,698 and the demise of everyone around them. 211 00:09:32,782 --> 00:09:36,660 For example, Macbeth, he wants to be king. 212 00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,997 He's very ambitious, and he is so ambitious, 213 00:09:40,081 --> 00:09:43,167 'cause he wants to be king so bad that, what happens? 214 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,544 He dies and everyone else dies, 215 00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:46,671 and then you leave the theater. 216 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:49,340 You're like, not gonna be so ambitious, you know? 217 00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:50,383 Gotta watch out. 218 00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:54,637 Othello, Othello is jealous. 219 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,264 He loves Desdemona so much, but then he gets jealous, 220 00:09:57,348 --> 00:09:58,849 and what happens to Desdemona? 221 00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:02,395 She dies and he dies and everyone else dies. 222 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:05,940 So better not be so jealous. 223 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:10,361 Hamlet, the greatest play ever written, 224 00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,029 Shakespeare's greatest tragedy. 225 00:10:12,113 --> 00:10:13,739 What is Hamlet's tragic flaw? 226 00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:15,116 Does anyone know? 227 00:10:15,199 --> 00:10:16,492 This is in our textbook. 228 00:10:17,952 --> 00:10:22,873 Hamlet's tragic flaw was procrastination. 229 00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:28,838 Procrastination, oh yes, the great tragic flaws. 230 00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:33,592 Ambition, jealousy, and waiting a little bit. 231 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:38,472 That's it, procrastination? 232 00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:39,807 This is how my mind thinks. 233 00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:42,143 Literally I read that play, and then we talked about that, 234 00:10:42,226 --> 00:10:44,311 and anytime like I wake up in the morning, 235 00:10:44,395 --> 00:10:46,230 I hit the snooze button, I'm like, I'm going back. 236 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,025 It's a little hamlet of you, huh? 237 00:10:49,108 --> 00:10:50,192 I don't know. 238 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,403 This is what happens. 239 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:58,743 Hamlet's uncle kills his dad, and then Hamlet is supposed 240 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,995 to take revenge and kill his uncle, but instead, 241 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:04,248 he's like to be or not to be, that his the question, 242 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,291 and they're like, come on. 243 00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:06,751 Stop with this beautiful language. 244 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:10,087 You're supposed to be murdering your uncle right now, 245 00:11:10,171 --> 00:11:12,006 and then what happens to Hamlet? 246 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,550 He dies and everyone else dies, but guess what? 247 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,510 Macbeth was a shitty dude. 248 00:11:16,594 --> 00:11:19,096 Hamlet was a good guy. 249 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:20,264 Isn't that fucked up? 250 00:11:21,307 --> 00:11:23,309 That made me so mad. 251 00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:27,396 All right, here's some real, real tragedies in real life. 252 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,815 These people didn't deserve what happened, okay? 253 00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:30,649 This really happened. 254 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:34,153 There's this guy who saw a Picasso painting 255 00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:35,196 when he was young, and he said, 256 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:36,781 I wanna own that painting one day, 257 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:39,033 and so he became a billionaire, 258 00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:41,660 and then he purchased the painting, and not only that, 259 00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:43,496 but he made the most expensive show 260 00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:46,415 in Las Vegas history all about this painting 261 00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,626 that he loved called Le Reve the Dream, 262 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,044 and then someone came up to him and said, 263 00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:54,006 I wanna buy this painting off you for $150 million, 264 00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:55,591 the most expensive private art sale 265 00:11:55,675 --> 00:11:57,093 in the history of humankind. 266 00:11:57,176 --> 00:11:59,845 So he gets the painting out for one last time 267 00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,555 to look at it and observe it. 268 00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:02,848 He brings up some of his friends, 269 00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:06,018 and he says, here is my painting, and then he turns around, 270 00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:10,189 and he puts his elbow through the painting, yeah. 271 00:12:13,943 --> 00:12:15,569 Now, what was his tragic flaw? 272 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,906 Maybe, ooh, maybe he was drinking. 273 00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:19,699 Maybe if it was a play, 274 00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:20,825 you'd see him drinking the whole time, 275 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,034 and you'd be like, this is gonna come back 276 00:12:22,118 --> 00:12:23,661 to bite you in the butt, guy, okay? 277 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,746 And then he's drunk, and he puts his arm through. 278 00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:27,748 That would be pretty good, right? 279 00:12:27,832 --> 00:12:29,041 No, he wasn't drunk. 280 00:12:29,125 --> 00:12:30,543 He was completely sober. 281 00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:34,755 His tragic flaw is that he was blind. 282 00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:40,136 He had a degenerative eye disease called Retinitis 283 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:43,347 pigmentosa, and he lost his sight over the course 284 00:12:43,431 --> 00:12:47,101 of his life, and so he couldn't see anymore, 285 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,645 and then he destroyed the painting that he loved. 286 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,275 That's so tragic, because it's funny. 287 00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:55,693 You know what I mean? 288 00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:58,320 That's funny, and if that seems mean, don't worry. 289 00:12:58,404 --> 00:13:00,239 He's not gonna see this, okay? 290 00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:03,659 Even if he buys a ticket and sits in the front row, 291 00:13:03,743 --> 00:13:05,619 he's not gonna see this, okay? 292 00:13:07,997 --> 00:13:09,582 This is way more sad. 293 00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:10,624 If you think that sad. 294 00:13:10,708 --> 00:13:12,918 This next one, way more sad. 295 00:13:13,002 --> 00:13:14,587 I came home from school. 296 00:13:14,670 --> 00:13:17,590 I'm watching Dr. Phil. 297 00:13:18,466 --> 00:13:21,552 I'm watching Dr. Phil give some of his classic tough love. 298 00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,554 Hey, man, you gotta get your life together. 299 00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:24,597 Come on, right? 300 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,223 And then this couple is on, 301 00:13:26,307 --> 00:13:27,808 and this couple is happily married. 302 00:13:27,892 --> 00:13:28,976 They love each other very much, 303 00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:31,979 but then they got some information that made them, 304 00:13:32,063 --> 00:13:33,064 is affecting their marriage, 305 00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:34,148 and they don't know what to do with it. 306 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,859 So they go on Dr. Phil, and they start describing 307 00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:39,236 that they looked into their family history, 308 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,907 and they found out that they were separated at birth, 309 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:46,035 and they were actually brother and sister. 310 00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:46,952 Oh no. 311 00:13:48,079 --> 00:13:50,998 Yeah, that's just sad. 312 00:13:52,458 --> 00:13:54,126 That's so tragic. 313 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,880 The only thing that's funny about that 314 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:04,970 is that they chose to go on Dr. Phil for advice. 315 00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:08,599 Like what is Dr. Phil going to tell them 316 00:14:08,683 --> 00:14:10,142 that's gonna change that? 317 00:14:10,226 --> 00:14:11,852 You're just like, hey, man, come on. 318 00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:15,898 You gotta communicate with your wife, I mean, your sister. 319 00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:18,192 What the fuck is going on right now? 320 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,695 Why are you guys on national television? 321 00:14:20,778 --> 00:14:24,699 You divorce quietly, you don't tell a soul, 322 00:14:24,782 --> 00:14:28,286 and you live with the fact that this is a broken, 323 00:14:28,369 --> 00:14:31,080 fallen, sad world that we live in. 324 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:34,917 We're gonna go to commercial. 325 00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:36,335 We'll see you later, okay. 326 00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:40,131 Incest, accidental incest, 327 00:14:40,214 --> 00:14:45,219 it's happened to the best of us, you know? 328 00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:50,766 It's really the second worst type of incest, 329 00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,226 accidental incest. 330 00:14:53,102 --> 00:14:58,107 Number one being purposeful incest, but it's a close second. 331 00:14:59,442 --> 00:15:02,862 That's what I'm, that's what, oh, does this offend you? 332 00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:03,779 No, I'm kidding. 333 00:15:06,991 --> 00:15:08,576 She's like, hey, I'm married to my brother 334 00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:09,535 and everything's perfect. 335 00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:10,369 I'm just kidding. 336 00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:11,287 I'm just joking. 337 00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:15,416 All right, so does anyone know the very first great 338 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:16,834 tragedy, anybody? 339 00:15:18,336 --> 00:15:19,086 I'll give you a hint. 340 00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:20,379 It has to do with incest. 341 00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:23,007 Oedipus? - Oedipus, you got it. 342 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:25,718 Oedipus, written by sophoclese, yes. 343 00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:27,428 Now here's the plot of Oedipus. 344 00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:29,764 It was written 3,000 years ago, long time ago, 345 00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:34,018 and Oedipus is the king, and this oracle comes out, 346 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,187 and he's just like, Hey, Oedipus, 347 00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:40,983 you are going to kill your father and marry your mother, 348 00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,276 and he's like, what? 349 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,404 I don't wanna do that, and so he goes to a new town 350 00:15:45,488 --> 00:15:47,656 and then he grows up, and then as he's an adult, 351 00:15:47,740 --> 00:15:49,158 he goes to another town. 352 00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,535 He's walking down the street, and this guy gets in a fight, 353 00:15:51,619 --> 00:15:53,871 and then he kills the guy by accident, 354 00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:54,830 but he kills him, right? 355 00:15:54,914 --> 00:15:57,958 Then he gets to a new town, and he's like, this girl's cute, 356 00:15:58,042 --> 00:15:59,377 and they get married and then the oracle pops out. 357 00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:02,046 He's like, ha ha, that was your father 358 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:06,133 and this is your mother, and he's like, ah, I did it, shit! 359 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:11,806 This is not part of the show. 360 00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:14,475 But this is him stabbing his eyes out, 361 00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:18,104 not jerking off two dicks and cumming all over himself. 362 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,359 Did anybody think that besides me? 363 00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:24,193 Oh yeah. 364 00:16:24,276 --> 00:16:25,027 Okay, thank God. 365 00:16:25,111 --> 00:16:28,072 I just, I'm sorry. Jeremy. 366 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,366 Jeremy, my cinematographer, was like, 367 00:16:30,449 --> 00:16:32,076 I love that this show doesn't have any dick jokes. 368 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,869 That was not on purpose. 369 00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:39,417 Okay, so we're focused, we're focused, we're focused. 370 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:42,336 Okay, so he stabs his eyes out, right? 371 00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:43,587 But here's the thing. 372 00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:46,716 What better reason is there to go to a different town 373 00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:48,342 and avoid your fate than if someone was like, 374 00:16:48,426 --> 00:16:49,844 you're gonna kill your father and marry your mother? 375 00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:51,512 He's like, I gotta do something about this. 376 00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:52,680 I gotta take action. 377 00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:54,932 So he takes action, and by taking action, 378 00:16:55,016 --> 00:16:58,561 he sets his fate into motion, right? 379 00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:01,147 And what is his tragic flaw? 380 00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:03,065 Pride, what's what they say. 381 00:17:03,149 --> 00:17:08,112 It's pride, the pride to think that you can outrun the fate 382 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,823 which was given to you by the gods. 383 00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:11,741 That's fucked up. 384 00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,952 Do you know what Oedipus needed to do? 385 00:17:15,036 --> 00:17:19,749 Procrastinate, if only he would've procrastinated, 386 00:17:19,832 --> 00:17:21,000 this would've never happened. 387 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,251 They're like, you're gonna kill your father. 388 00:17:22,335 --> 00:17:23,669 He is like, I gotta get out of this town, 389 00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:26,881 but I don't know, I have to find a new apartment. 390 00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:27,923 This girl's so cute. 391 00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:29,967 We relate on so many different levels. 392 00:17:30,051 --> 00:17:31,635 I should ask her out. 393 00:17:31,719 --> 00:17:32,636 I'll do it tomorrow. 394 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,055 He would've been saved. 395 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,516 So if you procrastinate and don't do anything, 396 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:38,934 you're fucked. 397 00:17:39,018 --> 00:17:40,728 If you take action and do stuff, you're fucked. 398 00:17:40,811 --> 00:17:43,647 You gotta find the perfect middle, right in the middle. 399 00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:46,192 That's where life is sweet, okay? 400 00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:50,905 But Oedipus' plot is like, it's so weird, 401 00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:52,656 that if you take out the violence, 402 00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:55,201 it almost just feels like a 90's sitcom. 403 00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,953 It's like the one where Joey marries his mom. 404 00:17:59,455 --> 00:18:04,335 Jerry, Jerry, she's very perfect. 405 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:05,419 I love her very much. 406 00:18:05,503 --> 00:18:07,505 It's just one problem. 407 00:18:07,588 --> 00:18:08,339 What's the problem? 408 00:18:08,422 --> 00:18:09,924 Is it a big problem? 409 00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:12,259 Very big, very big problem. 410 00:18:15,221 --> 00:18:16,389 How I met your mother? 411 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,357 I was talking to someone. 412 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,610 Someone said that I was pretentious, okay? 413 00:18:29,694 --> 00:18:33,322 Could you have told from the past 10 minutes of my comedy? 414 00:18:34,532 --> 00:18:35,533 Yeah, they said I was pretentious, 415 00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:36,701 because this was the question. 416 00:18:36,784 --> 00:18:38,244 We were just at a bar, and he was like, 417 00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:43,332 what is your favorite thing in all of art, anything ever? 418 00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:44,542 I was like, I don't get the question. 419 00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:45,418 He's like, like mine. 420 00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:47,420 Mine is key changes. 421 00:18:47,503 --> 00:18:50,006 In a song, there's a key change. 422 00:18:50,089 --> 00:18:51,215 That's my favorite thing. 423 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,384 Then the other person is like, my favorite thing, 424 00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:54,343 I gotta say it. 425 00:18:54,427 --> 00:18:56,220 It's car chase. 426 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,680 An action movie with car chases, 427 00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:01,142 that's like what gets my soul singing, okay? 428 00:19:01,225 --> 00:19:03,269 Mine, I said, I gotta be honest. 429 00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:07,148 I think mine is when they say the name of a play 430 00:19:07,231 --> 00:19:08,274 in the play. 431 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,570 They were like, that's the most pretentious thing I've ever 432 00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:14,280 heard, and I was like, but it's true. 433 00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:15,448 I love it. 434 00:19:15,531 --> 00:19:19,076 When it happens, I get so happy, okay, like here's one. 435 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:22,079 All My Sons, it's an Arthur Miller play, okay? 436 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:24,248 And it's called All My Sons, and it's about this guy 437 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,876 who cuts a bunch of corners in this factory 438 00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:28,711 with the plane parts, and then the plane parts go 439 00:19:28,794 --> 00:19:33,007 into these planes, and then a bunch of planes go down 440 00:19:33,090 --> 00:19:36,635 with these young pilots in them, and all the kids die, okay? 441 00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:38,763 And then over the course of the play, 442 00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,307 the lead character realizes and reckons with the fact 443 00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:44,935 that it was his cutting corners in the factory 444 00:19:45,019 --> 00:19:47,980 that led to their deaths, and he just looks out and he says, 445 00:19:48,064 --> 00:19:52,109 those boys, they were all my sons, 446 00:19:52,193 --> 00:19:53,569 and I'm like, that's the name of the play! 447 00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:00,409 That's fucking awesome! 448 00:20:02,161 --> 00:20:05,206 Streetcar Named Desire, in Streetcar Named Desire, 449 00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:07,750 Tennessee Williams play, Blanche Dubois moved 450 00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:10,711 from a different town down to New Orleans, okay? 451 00:20:10,795 --> 00:20:12,546 And then her first line in the play, 452 00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:13,798 they're like, how'd you get down here? 453 00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:15,508 And she just says the real directions to 454 00:20:15,591 --> 00:20:17,885 how she would've gotten down there, even in real life. 455 00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:20,638 She just says, I took the streetcar named Desire, 456 00:20:20,721 --> 00:20:25,101 got off on Cemetery, got off at Elysian Fields. 457 00:20:25,184 --> 00:20:25,935 You're like, huh, that's funny. 458 00:20:26,018 --> 00:20:27,478 That's the name of the play. 459 00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,439 It must be important, and then later, you realize, 460 00:20:31,649 --> 00:20:33,693 streetcar named Desire, cemetery, 461 00:20:33,776 --> 00:20:36,487 Elysian Fields, she's gonna die. 462 00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:39,031 This is gonna lead to her death, and then guess what? 463 00:20:39,115 --> 00:20:39,865 It's a tragic ending. 464 00:20:39,949 --> 00:20:42,493 You're like, that was fucking awesome, yes! 465 00:20:43,369 --> 00:20:45,287 He told me right up top! 466 00:20:45,371 --> 00:20:48,416 That's two layers, two layers! 467 00:20:48,499 --> 00:20:51,794 Have you guys ever tried to write something with two layers? 468 00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:53,129 Have you ever written an email and like, 469 00:20:53,212 --> 00:20:54,005 you can't even get it out. 470 00:20:54,088 --> 00:20:55,047 You're just like, hi, Brian. 471 00:20:55,131 --> 00:20:57,925 I wanted to inquire about, how are you doing? 472 00:20:58,009 --> 00:20:59,593 Hope that, that's one layer. 473 00:20:59,677 --> 00:21:03,097 I can't even write an email with one layer half the time. 474 00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,641 I wanna write something with two layers. 475 00:21:05,725 --> 00:21:07,977 Have you ever seen someone so excited about metaphors? 476 00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:12,106 I'm just like, yes, I love a simile, but a metaphor. 477 00:21:12,189 --> 00:21:13,858 Get the like in the ass out! 478 00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:15,109 I want it all! 479 00:21:17,778 --> 00:21:20,322 All right, this is the triple lutz of theater. 480 00:21:20,406 --> 00:21:21,407 It's very hard to do. 481 00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:25,036 It could only be done maybe by one person, Eugene O'Neill. 482 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:28,622 Okay, that is, when you say the name of the play 483 00:21:28,706 --> 00:21:33,711 as the last line of the play, slow fade to black. 484 00:21:34,962 --> 00:21:36,589 Very difficult, okay? 485 00:21:36,672 --> 00:21:37,840 But Eugene O'Neill died. 486 00:21:37,923 --> 00:21:41,093 He left a script in his will and testament, 487 00:21:41,177 --> 00:21:42,845 and it said it's dedicated to his wife. 488 00:21:42,928 --> 00:21:45,306 It was too painful for him to see during his lifetime, 489 00:21:45,389 --> 00:21:47,224 'cause it's about his mother's morphine addiction, 490 00:21:47,308 --> 00:21:49,101 and it's about his brother's alcoholism 491 00:21:49,185 --> 00:21:51,437 and his strained relationship with his father, 492 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,814 and it's four and a half hours long, 493 00:21:53,898 --> 00:21:57,360 and they put it up, and it became his masterpiece, 494 00:21:57,443 --> 00:21:59,070 and at the end of the play, his mother's at the edge 495 00:21:59,153 --> 00:22:00,821 of the stage, and she says, 496 00:22:00,905 --> 00:22:05,910 surely this was a long day's journey in to night. 497 00:22:20,341 --> 00:22:21,717 That's not how the play ends, actually. 498 00:22:21,801 --> 00:22:24,011 They actually never say long day's journey into night 499 00:22:24,095 --> 00:22:26,138 in Long Day's Journey into Night. 500 00:22:26,222 --> 00:22:29,100 So I misled you, I apologize. 501 00:22:29,183 --> 00:22:31,769 I just needed a third thing to end that joke. 502 00:22:32,603 --> 00:22:37,274 So I made it up, but this is true, this is true. 503 00:22:37,358 --> 00:22:40,194 I'm just saying like, I wanna do serious, serious stuff. 504 00:22:40,277 --> 00:22:41,278 There was a whole first half. 505 00:22:41,362 --> 00:22:44,990 That's all comedy and everything, but I want to do tragedy, 506 00:22:45,074 --> 00:22:50,079 serious theater, but gotta do comedy, you know? 507 00:22:50,579 --> 00:22:51,414 That's what I do. 508 00:22:54,208 --> 00:22:57,837 I got a motorcycle a few years ago. 509 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,923 I made this decision the way I make a lot of decisions, 510 00:23:01,007 --> 00:23:03,342 just very quickly without thinking. 511 00:23:03,426 --> 00:23:06,303 I just walked past some people that had motorcycles 512 00:23:06,387 --> 00:23:09,390 and I was like, I'm getting a fucking motorcycle! 513 00:23:09,473 --> 00:23:11,934 So I went home, I got on Facebook Marketplace, 514 00:23:12,018 --> 00:23:13,477 and then I got it, and then the next day, 515 00:23:13,561 --> 00:23:15,396 I borrowed my friend's car, and he drove out with me, 516 00:23:15,479 --> 00:23:16,981 and we bought the motorcycle with cash, 517 00:23:17,064 --> 00:23:19,316 and then he rode it back, 'cause he knows how to ride it. 518 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,987 We go right to Red Hook, Brooklyn, and then I'm in shorts, 519 00:23:23,070 --> 00:23:23,863 and I don't have a helmet yet, 520 00:23:23,946 --> 00:23:27,158 but I just wanna like feel what it feels like to get on. 521 00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:28,367 I sat on there, and I was like, 522 00:23:28,451 --> 00:23:32,955 I got a motorcycle, you know? 523 00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:34,081 And then he showed me the clutch, 524 00:23:34,165 --> 00:23:36,417 and he showed me the brake, the throttle, 525 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:39,045 and how to put it into gear, and then by accident, 526 00:23:39,128 --> 00:23:41,547 I put it into first gear, and it just jerked forward, 527 00:23:41,630 --> 00:23:43,841 and I was like, ah, ah, and I almost fell over. 528 00:23:43,924 --> 00:23:44,675 My friend ran up. 529 00:23:44,759 --> 00:23:45,509 He's like, you're okay? 530 00:23:45,593 --> 00:23:48,054 And I was like, I own a fucking motorcycle. 531 00:23:48,137 --> 00:23:50,306 Why did I buy a motorcycle? 532 00:23:50,389 --> 00:23:51,265 This is not good. 533 00:23:51,349 --> 00:23:52,767 Why do I own this? 534 00:23:52,850 --> 00:23:54,185 And he is like, okay, okay, okay. 535 00:23:54,268 --> 00:23:56,854 You need to take this class in Long Island, okay? 536 00:23:56,937 --> 00:23:58,856 And they're gonna teach you how to ride, 537 00:23:58,939 --> 00:24:00,900 and it's five days long. 538 00:24:00,983 --> 00:24:02,318 It's 10 hours a day, and by the end, 539 00:24:02,401 --> 00:24:03,194 you're gonna feel good on it. 540 00:24:03,277 --> 00:24:08,282 So that next week, I drove out to Long Island to this class 541 00:24:08,366 --> 00:24:12,745 that was taught by these five very mean lesbians. 542 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,334 Now you could just look at them 543 00:24:18,417 --> 00:24:21,295 and know that they did not like men, okay? 544 00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:25,716 And they never wanted to see men again in their life, 545 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,428 and then they started this motorcycle school, 546 00:24:29,512 --> 00:24:30,554 and then they realized 547 00:24:30,638 --> 00:24:34,684 that the only people they're ever gonna teach are men 25 548 00:24:34,767 --> 00:24:39,271 to age 39 that are trying to impress girls, okay? 549 00:24:39,355 --> 00:24:42,692 So first day of class, lady's like, all right, guys! 550 00:24:42,775 --> 00:24:45,945 So you wanna impress some girls? 551 00:24:47,738 --> 00:24:48,614 Well, I got a question for you. 552 00:24:48,698 --> 00:24:51,742 How impressive is it to be dead? 553 00:24:53,369 --> 00:24:54,120 We're like, what? 554 00:24:54,203 --> 00:24:54,954 She's like, answer me. 555 00:24:55,037 --> 00:24:58,791 How impressive is it to be dead? 556 00:24:58,874 --> 00:25:01,127 I was like, not very impressive. 557 00:25:01,210 --> 00:25:04,088 Not very impressive, is it? 558 00:25:04,171 --> 00:25:08,092 Actually a lot of girls are looking for guys 559 00:25:08,175 --> 00:25:09,760 that are breathing. 560 00:25:12,054 --> 00:25:14,056 So you all need to be atgatt. 561 00:25:15,474 --> 00:25:16,809 I was like, what are you talking about? 562 00:25:16,892 --> 00:25:18,144 She's like, atgatt! 563 00:25:18,227 --> 00:25:19,520 We're like, do you have something in your throat? 564 00:25:19,603 --> 00:25:22,815 She's like, all the gear all the time. 565 00:25:22,898 --> 00:25:26,235 You all need to be wearing all the gear all the time. 566 00:25:26,318 --> 00:25:27,361 You are wearing shorts. 567 00:25:27,445 --> 00:25:28,612 You are an idiot. 568 00:25:30,489 --> 00:25:32,366 All right, we're going inside class day. 569 00:25:32,450 --> 00:25:33,743 Everything is written. 570 00:25:33,826 --> 00:25:35,119 Okay, so we went inside. 571 00:25:35,202 --> 00:25:37,413 We just did a bunch of answers on that. 572 00:25:37,496 --> 00:25:38,706 Then after class is done, 573 00:25:38,789 --> 00:25:40,291 I go straight to the motorcycle shop 574 00:25:40,374 --> 00:25:42,251 to get all this gear, right? 575 00:25:42,335 --> 00:25:44,337 And I get these jeans that are made of Kevlar, 576 00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:46,130 Kevlar jeans with big padding. 577 00:25:46,213 --> 00:25:48,716 Then I got a big jacket, and I got leather gloves 578 00:25:48,799 --> 00:25:51,469 with big knuckle protectors on 'em, and I got a MIPS helmet. 579 00:25:51,552 --> 00:25:52,595 I didn't know what that meant. 580 00:25:52,678 --> 00:25:53,929 They're like, would you like a MIPS helmet? 581 00:25:54,013 --> 00:25:54,813 And I was like, what's that mean? 582 00:25:54,896 --> 00:25:57,558 They're like multi-directional impact protection system. 583 00:25:57,641 --> 00:25:58,976 I was like, gimme MIPS. 584 00:26:01,979 --> 00:26:04,357 Next day, I went to class. 585 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:05,983 I was wearing all my gear, right? 586 00:26:06,067 --> 00:26:10,196 I was the only one there that had gotten any other gear. 587 00:26:10,279 --> 00:26:11,572 All the rest of the guys are just like, 588 00:26:11,655 --> 00:26:13,199 all right, look, let's move things along, 589 00:26:13,282 --> 00:26:14,182 and I was sitting there, I was like, 590 00:26:14,265 --> 00:26:15,117 I don't wanna impress a girl. 591 00:26:15,201 --> 00:26:16,243 I wanna be safe. 592 00:26:17,703 --> 00:26:18,996 That's the most impressive thing. 593 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,207 I would like to breathe for a girl one day. 594 00:26:23,542 --> 00:26:27,880 So the rest of the time, we do all of these exercises 595 00:26:27,963 --> 00:26:29,632 to learn how to turn, to learn how to shift, 596 00:26:29,715 --> 00:26:33,094 to learn how to weave in and out of traffic safely 597 00:26:33,177 --> 00:26:35,262 if you feel in danger, and by the end of the week, 598 00:26:35,346 --> 00:26:36,097 it was true. 599 00:26:36,180 --> 00:26:38,849 I felt so safe, and the woman who taught the class, 600 00:26:38,933 --> 00:26:39,934 she said, you know what? 601 00:26:40,017 --> 00:26:42,228 She said, the safer that you feel on this bike, 602 00:26:42,311 --> 00:26:43,938 the more fun it is, okay? 603 00:26:44,021 --> 00:26:45,731 And then at the end of class, 604 00:26:45,815 --> 00:26:47,817 you could tell she still hated everybody else. 605 00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:49,944 Because I was atgatt, she liked me. 606 00:26:50,027 --> 00:26:50,986 Everyone else was leaving. 607 00:26:51,070 --> 00:26:52,154 She was like, bye bye. 608 00:26:53,155 --> 00:26:54,323 Then she got to me and she put her hand out. 609 00:26:54,407 --> 00:26:58,703 She said, Kevin, welcome to the road. 610 00:27:03,916 --> 00:27:05,668 I was like, I'll see you out there. 611 00:27:07,211 --> 00:27:10,589 So then I had to get insurance for my motorcycle 612 00:27:10,673 --> 00:27:13,634 and for my safety, and I've lived in New York for 14 years. 613 00:27:13,718 --> 00:27:16,679 So I've never had insurance for anything. 614 00:27:16,762 --> 00:27:17,680 I don't own a car. 615 00:27:17,763 --> 00:27:20,349 So I didn't know like what to do, and then you're just going 616 00:27:20,433 --> 00:27:21,767 through your Rolodex of commercials. 617 00:27:21,851 --> 00:27:22,685 You're just like, okay, 618 00:27:22,768 --> 00:27:25,855 like do I go with the Aflac Duck Aflac? 619 00:27:25,938 --> 00:27:27,815 Or you're like, Allstate. 620 00:27:27,898 --> 00:27:30,609 They're like, Allstate, you're in good hands, 621 00:27:30,693 --> 00:27:32,695 or like, we'll protect you from mayhem, 622 00:27:32,778 --> 00:27:36,032 ♪ or like a good neighbor, ♪ 623 00:27:36,115 --> 00:27:39,410 ♪ State Farm is there. ♪ - State Farm is there. 624 00:27:39,493 --> 00:27:40,369 Musical theater. 625 00:27:41,245 --> 00:27:44,165 So I went with Geico, okay? 626 00:27:44,248 --> 00:27:48,044 I went with Geico, because I just remembered the gecko. 627 00:27:49,086 --> 00:27:52,089 I was like the Geico gecko, I'll go with Geico. 628 00:27:53,591 --> 00:27:55,009 I always thought that the gecko was weird, 629 00:27:55,092 --> 00:27:57,511 because he's from East London. 630 00:27:57,595 --> 00:28:01,557 They're not native to that part of the world. 631 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:06,395 It's just like, oh, I'm a gecko from East London, right? 632 00:28:06,479 --> 00:28:09,273 You got 15% off, could save you more 633 00:28:09,357 --> 00:28:10,816 on your car insurance, right? 634 00:28:10,900 --> 00:28:12,193 But he has that accent 635 00:28:12,276 --> 00:28:14,820 that just makes me think he's gonna say the C word, 636 00:28:16,447 --> 00:28:18,866 because in East London, they say cunt all the time. 637 00:28:18,949 --> 00:28:21,786 They just say the C word all the time, right? 638 00:28:21,869 --> 00:28:23,829 So I just imagine in a Geico commercial 639 00:28:23,913 --> 00:28:25,498 and be like, oh, you should get insurance, 640 00:28:25,581 --> 00:28:27,291 you daft cunt, all right? 641 00:28:27,375 --> 00:28:32,380 Come on over, save 15% or more off, you daft cunt, right? 642 00:28:32,546 --> 00:28:35,591 Because in America, the C word is just the worst thing 643 00:28:35,675 --> 00:28:38,344 that you can call a woman, but in England, 644 00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:40,846 it's like calling someone a silly goose, right? 645 00:28:42,598 --> 00:28:45,017 All right, so I call up the people at Geico, 646 00:28:45,101 --> 00:28:46,560 and this lady is very, very nice, 647 00:28:46,644 --> 00:28:47,645 and she helps me with everything. 648 00:28:47,728 --> 00:28:50,189 She's like, I'm gonna make sure that you are fully covered, 649 00:28:50,272 --> 00:28:51,857 and she walks me through step by step, 650 00:28:51,941 --> 00:28:54,777 and then she was like, I have a question, Kevin. 651 00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:57,029 Do you happen to have a MIPS helmet? 652 00:28:57,113 --> 00:28:59,615 And I was like, in fact, I do. 653 00:28:59,699 --> 00:29:01,951 She's like, have you taken any classes that would help 654 00:29:02,034 --> 00:29:03,160 with motorcycle safety? 655 00:29:03,244 --> 00:29:05,287 And I was like, in fact, I have. 656 00:29:05,371 --> 00:29:07,164 She's like, well, you were fully covered, 657 00:29:07,248 --> 00:29:09,166 and I've actually gotten a few percentage points 658 00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:11,502 off your total rate 659 00:29:11,585 --> 00:29:14,338 because you've taken these safety measures, 660 00:29:14,422 --> 00:29:15,631 and I was like, thank you very much. 661 00:29:15,715 --> 00:29:18,384 Then she told me the amount and it was so cheap. 662 00:29:18,467 --> 00:29:21,929 I was like, this is way cheaper than I thought it'd be. 663 00:29:22,013 --> 00:29:24,140 I was like, Why is motorcycle insurance so cheap? 664 00:29:24,223 --> 00:29:26,183 This is like very affordable, and she said, well, 665 00:29:26,267 --> 00:29:28,144 a lot of times with motorcycle policies, 666 00:29:28,227 --> 00:29:31,272 we don't have to pay out for medical expenses. 667 00:29:38,571 --> 00:29:39,655 I was like, that's crazy. 668 00:29:39,739 --> 00:29:41,615 I would think that if you got in a motorcycle accident, 669 00:29:41,699 --> 00:29:42,992 there'd be a lot of medical expenses, 670 00:29:43,075 --> 00:29:45,661 and she said, in fact, a lot of times, 671 00:29:45,745 --> 00:29:46,996 if you're in a motorcycle accident, 672 00:29:47,079 --> 00:29:50,916 there are no medical expenses, and I was like, what? 673 00:29:52,126 --> 00:29:55,129 And then it dawned on me, and I was like, 674 00:30:01,844 --> 00:30:03,554 even if you're atgatt? 675 00:30:05,598 --> 00:30:09,018 She's like, even if you're atgatt. 676 00:30:11,062 --> 00:30:12,146 So that worried me a little bit, 677 00:30:12,229 --> 00:30:14,231 but she told me I'm fully covered, 678 00:30:14,315 --> 00:30:16,859 and I took all the necessary steps to be safe, 679 00:30:16,942 --> 00:30:20,071 and so I went about riding my motorcycle. 680 00:30:20,154 --> 00:30:22,365 The first thing I did when I got my motorcycle, 681 00:30:22,448 --> 00:30:23,366 I took a picture with it, 682 00:30:23,449 --> 00:30:25,576 and what did I do with the picture? 683 00:30:25,659 --> 00:30:27,036 Instagram. 684 00:30:27,119 --> 00:30:28,788 I put it on a dating profile! 685 00:30:28,871 --> 00:30:31,082 Come on, why'd I get this thing? 686 00:30:31,165 --> 00:30:32,625 To I press girls! 687 00:30:34,168 --> 00:30:36,587 So I put it on my dating profile, and a few days later, 688 00:30:36,671 --> 00:30:37,588 I get a like. 689 00:30:38,464 --> 00:30:39,757 A girl is like, pretty cool motorcycle, 690 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,467 and I was like, thank you. 691 00:30:41,550 --> 00:30:44,261 So then I looked through her profile to be able to respond, 692 00:30:44,345 --> 00:30:46,681 because you don't wanna just say like, thanks, what's up? 693 00:30:46,764 --> 00:30:49,642 You look at something in their profile to respond to. 694 00:30:49,725 --> 00:30:50,601 So I looked through hers... 695 00:30:52,103 --> 00:30:52,853 Come on, dude. 696 00:30:52,937 --> 00:30:53,938 This is my fucking art, dude. 697 00:30:54,021 --> 00:30:55,815 No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 698 00:30:55,898 --> 00:30:58,109 I'm totally kidding, I'm totally kidding. 699 00:30:58,192 --> 00:30:59,735 Sorry. - Can we answer it? 700 00:30:59,819 --> 00:31:01,696 Yeah, sure. 701 00:31:01,779 --> 00:31:04,031 I think that's ample punishment. 702 00:31:04,115 --> 00:31:04,949 Who is it? 703 00:31:10,996 --> 00:31:12,123 Hey, what's up, Mario? 704 00:31:12,998 --> 00:31:14,792 Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. 705 00:31:14,875 --> 00:31:17,294 I wanted to know if the representative, 706 00:31:17,378 --> 00:31:19,672 I thought that you just replaced whatever 707 00:31:22,091 --> 00:31:22,967 Is what's your name? 708 00:31:23,050 --> 00:31:24,218 Toby. 709 00:31:25,219 --> 00:31:26,595 Is Toby a good employee? 710 00:31:28,973 --> 00:31:30,641 I'm not his boss. 711 00:31:36,522 --> 00:31:38,816 I'm a comedian, and I'm on stage at a comedy show, 712 00:31:38,899 --> 00:31:43,446 and his cell phone went off, and so I answered the phone. 713 00:31:43,529 --> 00:31:45,031 So you can say whatever you want about it, 714 00:31:45,114 --> 00:31:47,825 and there's like 50 people in a room that will hear it. 715 00:31:47,908 --> 00:31:49,869 What do you want to tell us about Toby? 716 00:31:52,079 --> 00:31:53,205 I was really just calling him 717 00:31:53,289 --> 00:31:58,294 because he's my Spirits representative, 718 00:31:58,377 --> 00:32:01,922 and I need an answer from him about a tasting 719 00:32:02,006 --> 00:32:03,257 that we had here tonight. 720 00:32:07,094 --> 00:32:09,388 Toby, would you like to answer the question? 721 00:32:11,307 --> 00:32:12,558 One more time real quick. 722 00:32:14,935 --> 00:32:16,354 Do you want me to ask the question? 723 00:32:16,437 --> 00:32:17,563 No, actually, I gotta go. 724 00:32:17,646 --> 00:32:19,899 I have like other, I have stuff in the show. 725 00:32:19,982 --> 00:32:21,317 I have to cover. 726 00:32:23,152 --> 00:32:23,903 Wait, I have a question. 727 00:32:23,986 --> 00:32:25,363 Do you think motorcycles are cool? 728 00:32:26,697 --> 00:32:27,531 I love motorcycles. 729 00:32:27,615 --> 00:32:28,574 Yeah, they're cool. 730 00:32:29,450 --> 00:32:32,787 Hell yeah. 731 00:32:38,292 --> 00:32:41,295 Looks like I'm going on a date with Mario. 732 00:32:52,264 --> 00:32:53,057 See, I'm glad it went on. 733 00:32:53,140 --> 00:32:53,891 That was more fun. 734 00:32:53,974 --> 00:32:55,017 That was more fun. 735 00:32:57,103 --> 00:33:02,108 So that was awesome. 736 00:33:04,235 --> 00:33:09,031 All right, so I'm looking through this girl's profile, okay? 737 00:33:09,115 --> 00:33:12,201 And I need something to respond to, 738 00:33:12,284 --> 00:33:15,538 and she had it in her profile, things that she likes. 739 00:33:15,621 --> 00:33:18,999 She said, I like guys with a sense of humor 740 00:33:22,461 --> 00:33:26,382 and the band, The National, okay? 741 00:33:26,465 --> 00:33:29,051 I was like, I'm a comedian 742 00:33:29,135 --> 00:33:31,887 and I'm a 37-year-old bearded hipster 743 00:33:31,971 --> 00:33:33,514 who lives in Brooklyn, New York. 744 00:33:33,597 --> 00:33:35,391 Oh, you know I like The National. 745 00:33:39,311 --> 00:33:41,939 They're just like the saddest hipster band ever, 746 00:33:42,023 --> 00:33:43,123 and they've always been my favorite band. 747 00:33:43,206 --> 00:33:45,818 So I'm like, hey, I'm a comedian 748 00:33:45,901 --> 00:33:47,528 and also, I love The National. 749 00:33:47,611 --> 00:33:48,446 Have you heard this song? 750 00:33:48,529 --> 00:33:50,448 I sent her this song, okay, 751 00:33:50,531 --> 00:33:52,033 that's not on any of their albums. 752 00:33:52,116 --> 00:33:55,453 It's on this obscure EP, and then she responded. 753 00:33:55,536 --> 00:33:57,663 She was like, I've never even heard this song. 754 00:33:57,747 --> 00:33:58,998 This is amazing. 755 00:33:59,081 --> 00:34:00,750 Then we banter back and forth band. 756 00:34:00,833 --> 00:34:02,460 We set up a time to go on a date. 757 00:34:02,543 --> 00:34:04,378 Now I'm excited about this date, 758 00:34:04,462 --> 00:34:05,421 because the banter's so good. 759 00:34:05,504 --> 00:34:08,924 There's just one thing is that there are no pictures 760 00:34:09,008 --> 00:34:12,470 of her face in her profile. 761 00:34:12,553 --> 00:34:13,554 Oh. 762 00:34:13,637 --> 00:34:18,059 Yeah, so like a lot of people have deal breakers. 763 00:34:18,142 --> 00:34:23,064 My deal breaker is I would like the girl to have a face. 764 00:34:26,901 --> 00:34:30,237 I'd prefer to vet it, but we're just starting bare minimum 765 00:34:30,321 --> 00:34:34,408 that you got one, but this is how good the banter, 766 00:34:34,492 --> 00:34:36,994 the banter was so good that I was like, you know what? 767 00:34:37,078 --> 00:34:38,579 Wednesday next week, I'm free. 768 00:34:39,455 --> 00:34:41,332 We will see what happens, right? 769 00:34:41,415 --> 00:34:43,084 So we set up the date. 770 00:34:43,167 --> 00:34:44,669 I am walking towards the bar, 771 00:34:44,752 --> 00:34:46,754 and there's this girl that's standing out front that, 772 00:34:46,837 --> 00:34:49,048 first thought, I'm like, she looks like Emelie, 773 00:34:49,131 --> 00:34:49,924 the movie Emelie. 774 00:34:50,007 --> 00:34:50,925 Do you remember Emelie? 775 00:34:51,008 --> 00:34:51,759 Yeah. 776 00:34:51,842 --> 00:34:54,261 Yeah, so I saw Emelie when I was in high school, 777 00:34:54,345 --> 00:34:57,139 and I remember before I even thought I like this movie, 778 00:34:57,223 --> 00:34:58,974 I was like, I like Emelie. 779 00:34:59,058 --> 00:35:02,144 One day, I would like to go out with Emelie, All right? 780 00:35:02,228 --> 00:35:05,064 And then I was like there's this Emelie outside, 781 00:35:05,147 --> 00:35:07,608 and then I hope my date looks as good as Emelie does, 782 00:35:07,692 --> 00:35:11,153 'cause she was very cute, and then she was like, Kevin? 783 00:35:12,655 --> 00:35:16,200 I was like, this is my date, and she has an accent. 784 00:35:16,283 --> 00:35:17,535 I couldn't place it, but she was like, 785 00:35:17,618 --> 00:35:19,245 it's so great to meet you in person. 786 00:35:19,328 --> 00:35:21,122 I was like, oh, hi. 787 00:35:21,205 --> 00:35:23,374 Kevin, great to meet you, and I was like, 788 00:35:23,457 --> 00:35:26,168 it's like Middle Eastern Emelie or something. 789 00:35:26,252 --> 00:35:31,257 So we walk inside, we get a drink, and then we go sit down, 790 00:35:31,882 --> 00:35:35,428 and she's like, so you are a comedian? 791 00:35:35,511 --> 00:35:36,262 How's that going? 792 00:35:36,345 --> 00:35:37,596 I was like, it's going great. 793 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:39,724 She was like, a lot of comedians have podcasts. 794 00:35:39,807 --> 00:35:40,558 Do you have a podcast? 795 00:35:40,641 --> 00:35:42,893 I was like, I've never even heard of a podcast, 796 00:35:45,021 --> 00:35:46,856 and I was like, do you have any favorite comedians? 797 00:35:46,939 --> 00:35:49,692 And she said, oh, I, there's my favorite comedian 798 00:35:49,775 --> 00:35:54,739 that I found on YouTube was named Norm McDonald, 799 00:35:54,822 --> 00:35:56,907 and I was like, she looks like Emelie, 800 00:35:56,991 --> 00:35:58,743 She's got an accent, and she has good taste. 801 00:35:58,826 --> 00:36:00,745 God, she has good taste. 802 00:36:00,828 --> 00:36:03,497 I was like, oh, I just need to get to a second date. 803 00:36:03,581 --> 00:36:04,874 That's what I'm focused on the whole time, 804 00:36:04,957 --> 00:36:06,709 just get to a second date, okay, 805 00:36:06,792 --> 00:36:08,336 bobbing and weaving in the questions. 806 00:36:08,419 --> 00:36:09,962 We're just chatting, good conversation. 807 00:36:10,046 --> 00:36:12,965 She's like, Kevin, it's almost Christmas in New York. 808 00:36:13,049 --> 00:36:15,051 We should do some Christmasy things, 809 00:36:15,134 --> 00:36:17,678 and I was like, oh, I know Christmasy things. 810 00:36:17,762 --> 00:36:20,598 There's this neighborhood in Brooklyn called Ditmus Park, 811 00:36:20,681 --> 00:36:22,141 and they had these mansions, 812 00:36:22,224 --> 00:36:23,491 and they covered them all in Christmas lights. 813 00:36:23,574 --> 00:36:24,268 We should go there. 814 00:36:24,352 --> 00:36:25,561 She said, that sounds wonderful. 815 00:36:25,644 --> 00:36:27,313 So the next week, we met up, 816 00:36:27,396 --> 00:36:29,648 and they had hot chocolate trucks. 817 00:36:29,732 --> 00:36:32,068 We got hot chocolate, and then we're walking around looking 818 00:36:32,151 --> 00:36:34,236 at all the Christmas lights, and I'm in my head, 819 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:38,824 I'm just like, I am in a fucking Nora Ephron film right now. 820 00:36:38,908 --> 00:36:41,702 This is act one of a Nora Ephron film. 821 00:36:41,786 --> 00:36:43,746 This is awesome, and then at the end of the day, 822 00:36:43,829 --> 00:36:46,916 she was like, Kevin, we should go to the cinema, 823 00:36:46,999 --> 00:36:49,001 and I was like, she calls it the cinema. 824 00:36:51,712 --> 00:36:53,172 So we went and saw a movie. 825 00:36:53,255 --> 00:36:54,423 The movie's great. 826 00:36:54,507 --> 00:36:56,717 It's a romantic film, and then we walk out, 827 00:36:56,801 --> 00:36:58,719 and what is it doing in Manhattan? 828 00:36:58,803 --> 00:37:01,681 Snowing. - It's snowing! 829 00:37:01,764 --> 00:37:02,848 Come on! 830 00:37:04,266 --> 00:37:05,768 What do I do? 831 00:37:05,851 --> 00:37:07,812 Kiss her. - I kiss her! 832 00:37:12,942 --> 00:37:13,693 We go to a bar. 833 00:37:13,776 --> 00:37:15,444 After we have a drink, we're talking. 834 00:37:15,528 --> 00:37:17,988 The conversation's wonderful, and then we just make out 835 00:37:18,072 --> 00:37:19,240 in the corner bar the entire night. 836 00:37:19,323 --> 00:37:20,282 It's wonderful, okay? 837 00:37:20,366 --> 00:37:22,785 We were that couple that night and it was fine, 838 00:37:22,868 --> 00:37:24,870 and then I was like, my parents are getting into town. 839 00:37:24,954 --> 00:37:29,625 So we should make plans for after they leave, 840 00:37:29,709 --> 00:37:31,043 but I won't see you for about a week, 841 00:37:31,127 --> 00:37:32,920 and she's like, okay, that's fine, 842 00:37:33,004 --> 00:37:33,838 and I was like... 843 00:37:35,881 --> 00:37:36,632 Oh no. 844 00:37:36,716 --> 00:37:37,550 I know, shut up. 845 00:37:40,219 --> 00:37:42,179 I just said, I said, listen, 846 00:37:42,263 --> 00:37:44,181 my parents are very cool people. 847 00:37:44,265 --> 00:37:47,977 If you want, you are welcome to like, come hang out 848 00:37:48,060 --> 00:37:51,230 with them if you'd like, and she's like, 849 00:37:51,313 --> 00:37:52,982 that is a little much, but you know, of course. 850 00:37:53,065 --> 00:37:54,358 I was like, I know. 851 00:37:54,442 --> 00:37:55,401 I'm just throwing it out there, okay? 852 00:37:55,484 --> 00:37:57,862 So then I'm with my parents at Rockefeller Center, 853 00:37:57,945 --> 00:37:59,905 and we're taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree, 854 00:37:59,989 --> 00:38:00,740 and then I get a text. 855 00:38:00,823 --> 00:38:02,825 I look at the text, it said, hey, Kevin, 856 00:38:02,908 --> 00:38:05,995 I don't know really anyone else in New York 857 00:38:06,078 --> 00:38:08,914 and I'm kind of lonely, and if the offer's still 858 00:38:08,998 --> 00:38:11,208 on the table, I would love to have dinner with you 859 00:38:11,292 --> 00:38:14,754 and your parents, and I was like, come on over. 860 00:38:14,837 --> 00:38:16,630 She came to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, 861 00:38:16,714 --> 00:38:18,632 met us there, met my parents, 862 00:38:18,716 --> 00:38:20,301 and then we were about to go to dinner, 863 00:38:20,384 --> 00:38:22,094 and my mom is just like, you guys should get pictures 864 00:38:22,178 --> 00:38:23,012 in front of the Christmas tree. 865 00:38:23,095 --> 00:38:25,056 I'm like, shut up, shut up! 866 00:38:25,139 --> 00:38:26,140 This is already weird! 867 00:38:26,223 --> 00:38:28,517 It's already, fucking shh. 868 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:30,686 She's like, let's take a picture. 869 00:38:30,770 --> 00:38:33,147 So we took a picture, and then we went on over to dinner, 870 00:38:33,230 --> 00:38:35,733 and at dinner, we were all having a wonderful conversation. 871 00:38:35,816 --> 00:38:38,152 She was telling my parents about the country that she's from 872 00:38:38,235 --> 00:38:40,321 and my parents were asking questions, 873 00:38:40,404 --> 00:38:42,448 and it was just a lovely, lovely evening. 874 00:38:42,531 --> 00:38:43,866 At the end, my parents picked up the bill, 875 00:38:43,949 --> 00:38:46,786 and she was like, so like over the touch. 876 00:38:46,869 --> 00:38:48,371 She was like, no, no, no, no, no. 877 00:38:48,454 --> 00:38:50,539 I would love, we were like, don't worry about it. 878 00:38:50,623 --> 00:38:52,875 We have a great night. 879 00:38:52,958 --> 00:38:55,503 My parents pick up the bill, and then my parents leave. 880 00:38:55,586 --> 00:38:57,421 A few days later, it's Christmas Eve, 881 00:38:57,505 --> 00:39:00,675 and I'm getting dressed, 'cause I'm gonna go to church, 882 00:39:00,758 --> 00:39:05,054 okay, on Christmas Eve, and I get a text from her that says, 883 00:39:05,137 --> 00:39:06,931 what are you doing on Christmas Eve? 884 00:39:07,014 --> 00:39:08,557 And I was like, I'm going to church, 885 00:39:08,641 --> 00:39:11,852 and she was like, I've never been to to church before. 886 00:39:11,936 --> 00:39:12,687 May I come? 887 00:39:12,770 --> 00:39:15,690 And I was like, it's this beautiful church from like 1850. 888 00:39:15,773 --> 00:39:17,108 We're doing candlelight. 889 00:39:17,191 --> 00:39:18,567 Put a dress on, let's go. 890 00:39:18,651 --> 00:39:21,153 So we meet at church, we beautiful service. 891 00:39:21,237 --> 00:39:23,280 Afterwards, we go get dinner, and at the end, 892 00:39:23,364 --> 00:39:24,240 we have a really nice dinner. 893 00:39:24,323 --> 00:39:25,366 She's like, I would like to pay, 894 00:39:25,449 --> 00:39:27,243 because your parents were so kind, 895 00:39:27,326 --> 00:39:29,870 and I was like, you don't have to, but thanks. 896 00:39:29,954 --> 00:39:30,746 She's like, of course. 897 00:39:30,830 --> 00:39:32,790 She puts her card down, then the waiter comes back 898 00:39:32,873 --> 00:39:34,417 and is like, I'm very sorry. 899 00:39:34,500 --> 00:39:37,003 Your card has been declined. 900 00:39:37,086 --> 00:39:39,964 I was like, not a big deal, and she was like, I'm so sorry. 901 00:39:40,047 --> 00:39:41,048 She was like devastated. 902 00:39:41,132 --> 00:39:42,550 She was like, I would like to pay you back. 903 00:39:42,633 --> 00:39:43,467 I'm so sorry. 904 00:39:43,551 --> 00:39:45,261 I was like, don't worry about it. 905 00:39:45,344 --> 00:39:47,763 Pay the bill, and then she's like, what do you doing now? 906 00:39:47,847 --> 00:39:49,348 I was like, I'm going back to my apartment. 907 00:39:49,432 --> 00:39:50,433 She's like, may I come with you? 908 00:39:50,516 --> 00:39:55,312 And I was like, yes, you may, 909 00:39:57,231 --> 00:39:58,733 and we got back to my apartment, 910 00:39:58,816 --> 00:40:01,736 and I had a small little charlie brown-looking Christmas 911 00:40:01,819 --> 00:40:04,238 tree, and under it, I had some gifts from some friends 912 00:40:04,321 --> 00:40:08,242 and some other people, and I had a gift for her. 913 00:40:09,326 --> 00:40:10,369 I know. 914 00:40:11,370 --> 00:40:13,497 I was like, nothing too crazy, okay? 915 00:40:13,581 --> 00:40:17,209 It was socks and a candle, very functional, you know? 916 00:40:17,293 --> 00:40:18,711 I was like, these aren't romantic. 917 00:40:18,794 --> 00:40:19,837 This just smells nice 918 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,089 and everybody needs a good pair of socks. 919 00:40:22,173 --> 00:40:23,132 You mean nothing more to me. 920 00:40:23,215 --> 00:40:24,842 You're just another person that I would like 921 00:40:24,925 --> 00:40:26,010 to have nice socks. 922 00:40:26,093 --> 00:40:31,098 All right, pleasure, and then after she opened it, 923 00:40:32,933 --> 00:40:34,518 she was like, I got a gift for you as well, 924 00:40:34,602 --> 00:40:35,853 and I was like, really? 925 00:40:35,936 --> 00:40:38,606 She handed it to me, and she got me a watch. 926 00:40:39,648 --> 00:40:41,025 I was like, thank you so much. 927 00:40:41,108 --> 00:40:43,944 She was like, I noticed that you wear these different 928 00:40:44,028 --> 00:40:46,322 watches, and I wanted you to have another one from me, 929 00:40:46,405 --> 00:40:48,616 and I was like, I was taken aback, 930 00:40:50,117 --> 00:40:53,246 and then clock struck midnight. 931 00:40:53,329 --> 00:40:57,124 So it's Christmas day, and we celebrated Christmas together 932 00:40:57,208 --> 00:41:00,836 by having so much sex. 933 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:05,925 My stamina that evening was truly a Christmas miracle. 934 00:41:06,592 --> 00:41:10,763 It was a gift from the Almighty who was born that day. 935 00:41:12,890 --> 00:41:16,268 We woke up the next day, and then she was like, 936 00:41:16,352 --> 00:41:17,520 can I use your computer? 937 00:41:17,603 --> 00:41:18,354 I was like, yeah, of course. 938 00:41:18,437 --> 00:41:20,523 She got on our computer, and she went to this website 939 00:41:20,606 --> 00:41:22,900 that looked like it was made in 1989. 940 00:41:22,983 --> 00:41:25,403 It was like the oldest website I've ever seen, 941 00:41:25,486 --> 00:41:27,822 and she was like, I want to pay you back for dinner. 942 00:41:27,905 --> 00:41:31,158 So this is my bank and I'm going to transfer it in, 943 00:41:31,242 --> 00:41:36,247 and so she was like, I need your banking account number 944 00:41:36,997 --> 00:41:38,416 and your routing number, and so I gave it to her 945 00:41:38,499 --> 00:41:42,920 and then she transferred like $150 into my bank account, 946 00:41:43,004 --> 00:41:46,424 and yeah, went in within like a day. 947 00:41:46,507 --> 00:41:47,842 Now it's New Year's, 948 00:41:47,925 --> 00:41:50,177 and I'm gonna be gone for like a week and a half. 949 00:41:50,261 --> 00:41:51,721 So I tell her, I was like, I'm gonna be gone. 950 00:41:51,804 --> 00:41:53,556 I can't wait to see you in the new year. 951 00:41:53,639 --> 00:41:55,266 We leave, and then the new year comes, 952 00:41:55,349 --> 00:41:56,976 and we're going to get lunch. 953 00:41:57,059 --> 00:41:59,645 We're at lunch, and she seems kind of down, 954 00:41:59,729 --> 00:42:01,647 and I was like, is everything okay? 955 00:42:01,731 --> 00:42:03,065 And she's like, well, I found out 956 00:42:03,149 --> 00:42:05,526 that my visa didn't go through. 957 00:42:05,609 --> 00:42:06,861 So I'm gonna have to leave the country 958 00:42:06,944 --> 00:42:09,447 in the next like week unless I can figure out a way 959 00:42:09,530 --> 00:42:13,492 to get the green card, and I was like, babe, 960 00:42:14,785 --> 00:42:16,120 I can get you a green card. 961 00:42:17,830 --> 00:42:21,709 I mean, I can get you a green card if you need a, 962 00:42:21,792 --> 00:42:22,543 I know, that's great. 963 00:42:22,626 --> 00:42:23,669 I'm just saying if you want a green card, 964 00:42:23,753 --> 00:42:24,503 and she's like, no, no, no. 965 00:42:24,587 --> 00:42:25,963 Not that, not that. 966 00:42:26,047 --> 00:42:28,174 I know some people in my country 967 00:42:28,257 --> 00:42:30,217 and I know other people who have done this, 968 00:42:30,301 --> 00:42:31,761 and they will find you a husband, 969 00:42:31,844 --> 00:42:33,679 and you don't have to live with a husband. 970 00:42:33,763 --> 00:42:35,556 You just have to get a cell phone plan with them, 971 00:42:35,639 --> 00:42:38,851 and every month, you have to take pictures doing different 972 00:42:38,934 --> 00:42:41,687 things around the city and with different families to show 973 00:42:41,771 --> 00:42:43,522 that you have a life together, and you do that 974 00:42:43,606 --> 00:42:45,608 and every month for a few years, 975 00:42:45,691 --> 00:42:50,321 and then you have an interview with the immigration officer 976 00:42:50,404 --> 00:42:51,655 and then after that, you don't have to talk 977 00:42:51,739 --> 00:42:53,282 to them ever again, and I was like, well, 978 00:42:53,366 --> 00:42:54,116 why don't you do it? 979 00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:54,950 Is it safe? 980 00:42:55,034 --> 00:42:55,826 She's like, it's totally safe. 981 00:42:55,910 --> 00:42:59,163 The only thing is it costs $15,000, 982 00:43:00,289 --> 00:43:02,541 and my bank account is really messed up. 983 00:43:02,625 --> 00:43:04,502 So I can't get access to my money, 984 00:43:05,670 --> 00:43:09,548 and so could I borrow $15,000? 985 00:43:13,344 --> 00:43:18,349 And I was like, all of a sudden, like Middle Eastern Emelie 986 00:43:19,850 --> 00:43:22,978 was looking suspiciously like a Nigerian prince 987 00:43:23,062 --> 00:43:23,938 from my email. 988 00:43:29,568 --> 00:43:33,322 Piecing the things together, and then I was like, 989 00:43:34,699 --> 00:43:36,867 I just need to ask, 990 00:43:36,951 --> 00:43:38,786 like how do I know I'm gonna get it back? 991 00:43:38,869 --> 00:43:41,956 And she's like, I know it's crazy, but you can trust me. 992 00:43:42,039 --> 00:43:44,333 I'll get it back to you, and I was like, okay, 993 00:43:45,793 --> 00:43:49,505 the only problem is I don't have $15,000. 994 00:43:49,588 --> 00:43:51,173 I probably should have said that first 995 00:43:51,257 --> 00:43:55,886 before getting your hopes up, but I do have $9,000, 996 00:43:58,139 --> 00:44:01,642 and my parents have $6,000, 997 00:44:02,935 --> 00:44:06,981 and so I got on the phone with my mom, 998 00:44:07,064 --> 00:44:08,524 and I said, do you remember 999 00:44:08,607 --> 00:44:11,569 that girl from two weeks ago at dinner? 1000 00:44:11,652 --> 00:44:12,778 And she said, yeah, she was lovely. 1001 00:44:12,862 --> 00:44:13,612 How's she doing? 1002 00:44:13,696 --> 00:44:14,488 I was like, she's doing great. 1003 00:44:14,572 --> 00:44:19,285 She needs $15,000, and I would like to borrow 6,000 1004 00:44:19,368 --> 00:44:22,580 from you, and my mom said, Kevin, 1005 00:44:22,663 --> 00:44:25,624 this does not sound like the wisest decision, 1006 00:44:25,708 --> 00:44:27,335 and I was like, oh, 1007 00:44:27,418 --> 00:44:29,628 I assure you it is not the wisest decision, 1008 00:44:31,255 --> 00:44:33,090 but I think I'm gonna do it, 1009 00:44:33,174 --> 00:44:38,179 and she was like, okay, well, under two conditions, 1010 00:44:39,430 --> 00:44:40,473 and I was like, what are they? 1011 00:44:40,556 --> 00:44:44,477 She said, first you have to pay us 1012 00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,145 back no matter what happens. 1013 00:44:46,228 --> 00:44:47,271 If you don't get this money back, 1014 00:44:47,355 --> 00:44:49,357 you have to pay us back $6,000. 1015 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:50,691 I was like, okay, I get that. 1016 00:44:50,775 --> 00:44:51,942 Of course, of course. 1017 00:44:52,026 --> 00:44:53,361 She said, and number two, 1018 00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:56,655 you are not to tell your father about this. 1019 00:44:58,783 --> 00:45:02,286 So she transfers $6,000 into my bank account, 1020 00:45:02,370 --> 00:45:04,872 and I go to Chase Bank and I get out $15,000. 1021 00:45:04,955 --> 00:45:07,708 Now I don't know if you've ever gotten $15,000 1022 00:45:07,792 --> 00:45:11,671 out of a bank, but the bank teller looks at you like, 1023 00:45:11,754 --> 00:45:16,175 what the fuck are you up to? 1024 00:45:16,258 --> 00:45:18,803 Because I know it's nothing good or legal. 1025 00:45:19,929 --> 00:45:21,013 They don't say that with words. 1026 00:45:21,097 --> 00:45:22,682 They say it with their eyes 1027 00:45:22,765 --> 00:45:24,684 as they're counting all the money, 1028 00:45:24,767 --> 00:45:27,269 and then she gives me the money, and I put it in my jacket, 1029 00:45:27,353 --> 00:45:29,355 and I don't know if you've ever walked around the city 1030 00:45:29,438 --> 00:45:31,649 with $15,000 in your pocket, 1031 00:45:31,732 --> 00:45:34,110 but the life becomes an action film. 1032 00:45:34,193 --> 00:45:36,112 You're just walking out, just being like, 1033 00:45:39,448 --> 00:45:41,701 All of a sudden you're in The Bourne Identity, okay? 1034 00:45:41,784 --> 00:45:44,286 And then I have to go to a ring shop, 1035 00:45:44,370 --> 00:45:45,955 because I have to purchase two 1036 00:45:46,038 --> 00:45:47,415 of the cheapest wedding bands they have. 1037 00:45:47,498 --> 00:45:49,834 They have steel wedding bands for $25 a piece. 1038 00:45:49,917 --> 00:45:50,668 I buy those. 1039 00:45:50,751 --> 00:45:53,671 Then a few days later, I wake up at seven in the morning 1040 00:45:53,754 --> 00:45:56,465 and I go pick her up at a corner in Manhattan, 1041 00:45:56,549 --> 00:46:00,177 and we go over to New Jersey right on the water, 1042 00:46:00,261 --> 00:46:03,139 and we pull up, and there's like seven people there, okay? 1043 00:46:03,222 --> 00:46:05,307 There's like a lawyer, big guy, 1044 00:46:05,391 --> 00:46:08,978 there's like three men I can only think to describe them 1045 00:46:09,061 --> 00:46:14,066 as henchman, and there is a driver, 1046 00:46:14,900 --> 00:46:16,193 and there is the wedding officiant, 1047 00:46:16,277 --> 00:46:19,655 and there is the husband, and we pull up, and we walk out, 1048 00:46:19,739 --> 00:46:21,240 and everybody is playing their part. 1049 00:46:21,323 --> 00:46:23,868 Like everybody is in character. 1050 00:46:23,951 --> 00:46:25,953 When I get out, the lawyer's like, 1051 00:46:26,037 --> 00:46:30,875 what a wonderful time to have a wedding 8:30 in the morning 1052 00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:35,921 on a Monday, and then they go over, 1053 00:46:36,756 --> 00:46:39,717 and the wedding officiant is saying all of their vows, 1054 00:46:39,800 --> 00:46:43,137 and they say, I do, and then they have a very awkward, 1055 00:46:43,220 --> 00:46:46,140 friendly-looking kiss, and they pull back, 1056 00:46:46,223 --> 00:46:48,392 and for those of you that know me 1057 00:46:48,476 --> 00:46:51,937 and are keeping track of my career, yes, 1058 00:46:52,021 --> 00:46:54,523 this is the second wedding that I've paid for 1059 00:46:54,607 --> 00:46:56,817 that does not end in me getting married. 1060 00:46:59,445 --> 00:47:01,739 So then she comes up and she's like, can I have the money? 1061 00:47:01,822 --> 00:47:03,282 And she takes all of the money, 1062 00:47:03,366 --> 00:47:05,701 and she gives $5,000 to the lawyer 1063 00:47:05,785 --> 00:47:07,912 and a thousand dollars to the three henchmen, 1064 00:47:07,995 --> 00:47:09,580 a thousand dollars to the driver 1065 00:47:09,663 --> 00:47:11,123 and a thousand dollars to the 1066 00:47:11,207 --> 00:47:13,584 and the rest to the husband, and then the lawyer, 1067 00:47:13,668 --> 00:47:15,419 who seems to be the boss of everything is like, 1068 00:47:15,503 --> 00:47:17,922 we all know what time it is now. 1069 00:47:18,005 --> 00:47:22,259 Time for the reception, and then we all pile in a car, 1070 00:47:22,343 --> 00:47:23,803 and we go to a diner in New Jersey 1071 00:47:23,886 --> 00:47:26,931 and have cold omelets and bad coffee. 1072 00:47:27,014 --> 00:47:29,517 We just sit there, and then we're talking, 1073 00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:31,936 and they're taking pictures and saying, it's so lovely. 1074 00:47:32,019 --> 00:47:34,105 You get to stay in this country now, 1075 00:47:34,188 --> 00:47:35,731 and you have a beautiful marriage, 1076 00:47:35,815 --> 00:47:39,735 and then she pays the bill with the rest of my money, 1077 00:47:39,819 --> 00:47:42,405 and then she's like, thank you so much. 1078 00:47:42,488 --> 00:47:45,116 She's like, I have to do some more paperwork with them. 1079 00:47:45,199 --> 00:47:47,159 So you can go back to the city, and I'll talk to you later, 1080 00:47:47,243 --> 00:47:50,037 and I get in the car, and I drive through Manhattan 1081 00:47:50,121 --> 00:47:52,248 and back to Brooklyn, and I get back to my apartment, 1082 00:47:52,331 --> 00:47:55,668 and I'm like, what the fuck did you just do? 1083 00:47:58,170 --> 00:48:03,175 What did you just do on Monday from seven in the morning 1084 00:48:03,426 --> 00:48:05,761 until 11 o'clock? 1085 00:48:05,845 --> 00:48:08,139 That was crazy, and then I got a text from her 1086 00:48:08,222 --> 00:48:09,557 that just said, thank you so much. 1087 00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:11,017 I don't think I could have got through today 1088 00:48:11,100 --> 00:48:13,644 without you there, and I was like, okay, cool. 1089 00:48:13,728 --> 00:48:16,230 So the next day, I text her, and I was like, hey, 1090 00:48:16,313 --> 00:48:17,106 do you wanna get together? 1091 00:48:17,189 --> 00:48:17,899 How'd everything go? 1092 00:48:17,982 --> 00:48:18,983 She said, everything went fine. 1093 00:48:19,066 --> 00:48:20,735 I'm really busy the next few days, 1094 00:48:20,818 --> 00:48:22,111 and I was like, all right. 1095 00:48:23,070 --> 00:48:25,239 Then a few days go by, and I check in, 1096 00:48:25,322 --> 00:48:27,033 'cause I wanna play it cool, you know? 1097 00:48:27,116 --> 00:48:28,743 And I'm just like, hey, how's everything going? 1098 00:48:28,826 --> 00:48:30,202 Do you wanna do something? 1099 00:48:31,120 --> 00:48:32,788 And she was like, I'm still really busy, 1100 00:48:32,872 --> 00:48:35,207 like maybe later next week we could get together, 1101 00:48:35,291 --> 00:48:38,419 and I was like, okay, and then a few days went by, 1102 00:48:38,502 --> 00:48:40,338 and I'm playing it cool, but inside, 1103 00:48:40,421 --> 00:48:42,506 my heart is like racing day to day, 1104 00:48:42,590 --> 00:48:45,176 wondering what my next move should be, 1105 00:48:45,259 --> 00:48:47,053 and so I just text her, and I'm like, what are you up to? 1106 00:48:47,136 --> 00:48:49,263 And she's like, would you like to go to a movie? 1107 00:48:49,347 --> 00:48:51,807 And I was like, yes, let's do it, 1108 00:48:51,891 --> 00:48:56,020 and she's like, well, the cinema is playing this musical. 1109 00:48:56,103 --> 00:48:58,022 It's by The National. 1110 00:49:00,608 --> 00:49:01,817 I was like, that makes no sense. 1111 00:49:01,901 --> 00:49:04,737 The band, The National, is just a sad indie band, 1112 00:49:04,820 --> 00:49:08,240 and they wouldn't ever write a musical, 1113 00:49:08,324 --> 00:49:10,159 but I was like, sure, yes, I'd love to. 1114 00:49:10,242 --> 00:49:11,827 I would love to, and then we show up, 1115 00:49:11,911 --> 00:49:13,287 and we go see this movie. 1116 00:49:13,371 --> 00:49:15,206 It's a musical version of Cyrano de Bergerac, 1117 00:49:15,289 --> 00:49:16,415 and we're watching the whole movie, 1118 00:49:16,499 --> 00:49:17,666 and I'm like, oh my gosh. 1119 00:49:17,750 --> 00:49:21,212 We studied this play when I was in college 1120 00:49:21,295 --> 00:49:23,130 in that class that I told you about earlier. 1121 00:49:23,214 --> 00:49:25,216 We studied Cyrano de Bergerac, 1122 00:49:25,299 --> 00:49:27,468 and what's interesting about Cyrano de Bergerac 1123 00:49:27,551 --> 00:49:30,846 is that they can't really classify it as a comedy 1124 00:49:30,930 --> 00:49:31,639 or a tragedy. 1125 00:49:31,722 --> 00:49:34,517 They actually classify it as a romantic tragedy 1126 00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:39,313 or a heroic comedy, 'cause it has elements of both, 1127 00:49:39,397 --> 00:49:40,773 and I'm watching it and in it, 1128 00:49:40,856 --> 00:49:43,734 Cyrano de Bergerac does not end up with the girl. 1129 00:49:44,610 --> 00:49:49,615 Actually, he aids another guy in getting married to a girl. 1130 00:49:51,283 --> 00:49:54,578 I was watching it just being like, this is insane. 1131 00:49:56,414 --> 00:49:58,708 I'm working on getting better at just com, 1132 00:49:58,791 --> 00:50:01,043 'cause people after shows are just like, well, 1133 00:50:01,127 --> 00:50:02,336 how much of this is real? 1134 00:50:02,420 --> 00:50:03,421 This is real! 1135 00:50:05,089 --> 00:50:09,468 The National wrote a musical of Cyrano de Bergerac, 1136 00:50:10,386 --> 00:50:14,473 and she invited me to go see it, and it's about that. 1137 00:50:17,977 --> 00:50:20,646 So after it's done, I was like, do you want to come over? 1138 00:50:20,730 --> 00:50:22,773 And she was like, let's get a drink. 1139 00:50:22,857 --> 00:50:24,692 So we went and got a drink, and we talked about the movie, 1140 00:50:24,775 --> 00:50:25,776 and we both really enjoyed it. 1141 00:50:25,860 --> 00:50:28,529 It was odd and interesting but ultimately really good, 1142 00:50:28,612 --> 00:50:30,489 and I was like, do you wanna come over to my place? 1143 00:50:30,573 --> 00:50:31,657 And she's like, I'm very stressed. 1144 00:50:31,741 --> 00:50:33,117 I'd like to go home. 1145 00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:35,786 So she went home, and then I'm on the subway ride home, 1146 00:50:35,870 --> 00:50:37,204 and then I get off a stop early, 1147 00:50:37,288 --> 00:50:38,539 and I go to my motorcycle garage, 1148 00:50:38,622 --> 00:50:41,459 'cause it's January, and it's a little bit, you know, 1149 00:50:41,542 --> 00:50:42,835 it's not too chilly out. 1150 00:50:42,918 --> 00:50:45,755 So I get on all my gear, I get on my bike, 1151 00:50:45,838 --> 00:50:48,090 and I'm riding around the city just thinking 1152 00:50:48,174 --> 00:50:49,550 about the situation that I'm in, 1153 00:50:49,633 --> 00:50:51,385 and then it just dawns on me. 1154 00:50:51,469 --> 00:50:52,595 I'm like, you know what? 1155 00:50:52,678 --> 00:50:55,973 I am never gonna talk to this girl again. 1156 00:50:57,933 --> 00:50:59,352 You wanna know how I knew? 1157 00:50:59,435 --> 00:51:02,104 Because at the end of Cyrano de Bergerac, 1158 00:51:02,188 --> 00:51:05,649 he spends the whole play helping another character. 1159 00:51:05,733 --> 00:51:06,776 He's in love with this woman. 1160 00:51:06,859 --> 00:51:10,029 He helps another character fall in love 1161 00:51:10,112 --> 00:51:12,698 and get married to her, and he doesn't end up with her. 1162 00:51:12,782 --> 00:51:14,658 That's why it's so tragic, 1163 00:51:14,742 --> 00:51:17,078 and then what happens to him at the end? 1164 00:51:17,161 --> 00:51:17,912 He dies! 1165 00:51:17,995 --> 00:51:18,996 It's a tragedy, 1166 00:51:20,164 --> 00:51:22,124 but it's a funny tragedy! 1167 00:51:23,209 --> 00:51:24,168 I'm like, there's no way. 1168 00:51:24,251 --> 00:51:26,003 I'm never gonna talk to this girl again. 1169 00:51:26,087 --> 00:51:27,088 I need to, I need to talk to her 1170 00:51:27,171 --> 00:51:29,298 and just figure out what is going on tomorrow. 1171 00:51:29,382 --> 00:51:30,299 That's the first thing. 1172 00:51:30,383 --> 00:51:32,343 Ask about the money, ask why it's weird lately, 1173 00:51:32,426 --> 00:51:34,136 and I was like, I don't wanna go back to my garage. 1174 00:51:34,220 --> 00:51:36,889 I go and I park my bike right in front of my apartment, 1175 00:51:36,972 --> 00:51:38,808 and I go upstairs and I crash, 1176 00:51:38,891 --> 00:51:40,893 and the next day, I wake up to go back downstairs 1177 00:51:40,976 --> 00:51:45,439 and take my bike back to my garage and my bike is not there. 1178 00:51:46,941 --> 00:51:48,609 So I go across the street to the restaurant, 1179 00:51:48,693 --> 00:51:52,238 and I was like, you have security footage of this? 1180 00:51:52,321 --> 00:51:53,614 And they're like, yeah, yeah, of course, 1181 00:51:53,698 --> 00:51:56,409 and I looked, and two hours after I parked my bike, 1182 00:51:56,492 --> 00:51:58,411 four guys in black hoodies came up, 1183 00:51:58,494 --> 00:52:00,621 and they lifted up the bike, they unlocked the wheel lock, 1184 00:52:00,705 --> 00:52:03,749 and they pushed it away onto a truck, and it drove away. 1185 00:52:04,583 --> 00:52:06,043 So my bike was stolen. 1186 00:52:07,378 --> 00:52:11,590 So I called up the NYPD, and I was like, my bike is stolen. 1187 00:52:11,674 --> 00:52:12,550 I showed them the video. 1188 00:52:12,633 --> 00:52:14,343 I was like, I have the video, and they're like, yeah, yeah, 1189 00:52:14,427 --> 00:52:15,720 yeah, it was stolen. 1190 00:52:15,803 --> 00:52:20,016 I was like, am I gonna get it back? 1191 00:52:20,099 --> 00:52:22,560 And they're like, yeah, probably not. 1192 00:52:23,853 --> 00:52:25,855 I was like, is there anything I can do? 1193 00:52:25,938 --> 00:52:28,816 He is like, listen, okay, I will fill out your report, 1194 00:52:28,899 --> 00:52:30,693 and we will do everything that we can, 1195 00:52:30,776 --> 00:52:32,570 but I just have to be honest with you. 1196 00:52:32,653 --> 00:52:34,822 The only motorcycle we've had recovered 1197 00:52:34,905 --> 00:52:39,410 in the past two years was a guy who stole a motorcycle, 1198 00:52:39,493 --> 00:52:42,872 and he drove away and a mile later, he got into an accident, 1199 00:52:42,955 --> 00:52:45,207 and he died, and we recovered the bike, 1200 00:52:47,543 --> 00:52:48,961 and I was like, well, the guy should have been atgatt. 1201 00:52:49,045 --> 00:52:49,879 I mean, come on. 1202 00:52:52,882 --> 00:52:53,674 So I was like, all right. 1203 00:52:53,758 --> 00:52:54,842 He's like, this is what we can do. 1204 00:52:54,925 --> 00:52:57,928 I fill this out, and I give you all the information you need 1205 00:52:58,012 --> 00:53:02,183 in order to file your claim with your insurance company. 1206 00:53:02,266 --> 00:53:03,017 I was like, all right. 1207 00:53:03,100 --> 00:53:06,604 Then he looked at me, and he said, now you know what I know. 1208 00:53:06,687 --> 00:53:11,692 This town has gone to shit and walked away. 1209 00:53:14,362 --> 00:53:16,989 So I got on the phone with Geico, and I was like, hi, 1210 00:53:17,073 --> 00:53:20,743 my motorcycle was stolen, and I needed to file a claim, 1211 00:53:20,826 --> 00:53:21,702 and the person was so nice. 1212 00:53:21,786 --> 00:53:23,996 She's like, I can tell how sad you are. 1213 00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:25,623 That is very frustrating. 1214 00:53:25,706 --> 00:53:26,791 Whenever something's stolen from you, 1215 00:53:26,874 --> 00:53:29,752 you feel like violated, and so thanks for calling. 1216 00:53:29,835 --> 00:53:31,295 We're gonna get everything taken care of 1217 00:53:31,379 --> 00:53:32,880 so we can get money in your pocket 1218 00:53:32,963 --> 00:53:34,048 so you can get another motorcycle, 1219 00:53:34,131 --> 00:53:35,675 and I was like, all right, thank you very much, 1220 00:53:35,758 --> 00:53:37,426 and she's like, what's your policy number? 1221 00:53:37,510 --> 00:53:42,139 And I was like, it's 6144978863, and she said, well, Kevin, 1222 00:53:42,223 --> 00:53:47,228 I'm so happy that I can be here to help you in this time. 1223 00:53:48,270 --> 00:53:52,066 Mr. Doyle, it says that you have full coverage? 1224 00:53:52,149 --> 00:53:53,609 And I was like, yeah. 1225 00:53:53,693 --> 00:53:56,779 She's like, well, within the bounds of New York City, 1226 00:53:56,862 --> 00:54:01,867 theft is not covered under full coverage. 1227 00:54:03,619 --> 00:54:06,455 I was like, what's that mean? 1228 00:54:06,539 --> 00:54:08,207 She's like, it means that we can't pay you out 1229 00:54:08,290 --> 00:54:10,167 for the motorcycle, because theft isn't covered. 1230 00:54:10,251 --> 00:54:12,837 I was like, what does it do? 1231 00:54:12,920 --> 00:54:13,754 What is covered? 1232 00:54:13,838 --> 00:54:15,840 She's like, well, you know, liability 1233 00:54:15,923 --> 00:54:20,302 and any medical expenses, and I was like, well, 1234 00:54:20,386 --> 00:54:22,221 we already covered that that is nothing. 1235 00:54:22,304 --> 00:54:24,598 What you just said means nothing. 1236 00:54:24,682 --> 00:54:27,143 Okay, so what should I have done? 1237 00:54:27,226 --> 00:54:28,144 What do I do at this point? 1238 00:54:28,227 --> 00:54:29,729 She's like, well, at this point, we can't do anything, 1239 00:54:29,812 --> 00:54:32,189 because the activity already took place. 1240 00:54:32,273 --> 00:54:34,859 You have to be insured before the activity takes place. 1241 00:54:34,942 --> 00:54:36,986 What you needed, you should have told the person you needed 1242 00:54:37,069 --> 00:54:40,448 comprehensive coverage, and I was like, what is that? 1243 00:54:40,531 --> 00:54:42,783 She's like, full coverage doesn't cover everything, 1244 00:54:42,867 --> 00:54:44,326 but comprehensive coverage within the bounds 1245 00:54:44,410 --> 00:54:46,287 of New York covers theft as well, 1246 00:54:46,370 --> 00:54:48,497 and as she was saying that, I looked up the definition 1247 00:54:48,581 --> 00:54:51,876 of full on Google and comprehensive, and I was like, ma'am, 1248 00:54:51,959 --> 00:54:54,503 I'm reading this verbatim, okay. 1249 00:54:54,587 --> 00:54:57,340 From Websters, it says, full, the definition of full, 1250 00:54:57,423 --> 00:55:02,094 is including all elements of something, 1251 00:55:02,970 --> 00:55:06,057 and I'm reading the definition of comprehensive right now 1252 00:55:06,140 --> 00:55:09,393 to you over the line, and it says, including all 1253 00:55:09,477 --> 00:55:14,482 or nearly all elements of something. 1254 00:55:14,690 --> 00:55:19,695 So if anything, full should cover more than comprehensive. 1255 00:55:21,739 --> 00:55:23,240 So why is that not the case? 1256 00:55:23,324 --> 00:55:24,784 And she said, sir, I'm not talking 1257 00:55:24,867 --> 00:55:26,327 about the definitions of words. 1258 00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:28,287 I'm talking about these policies, and I was like, 1259 00:55:28,371 --> 00:55:33,376 what else could definitions of words be for 1260 00:55:34,168 --> 00:55:37,588 except to explain the policies! 1261 00:55:39,882 --> 00:55:41,884 She said, sir, you're raising your voice, 1262 00:55:41,967 --> 00:55:42,843 and it's not very appropriate. 1263 00:55:42,927 --> 00:55:44,053 I was like, no, no, no, no. 1264 00:55:44,136 --> 00:55:47,640 You explain to me how is an insurance company any different 1265 00:55:47,723 --> 00:55:49,016 from a Ponzi scheme? 1266 00:55:49,100 --> 00:55:50,976 You give a bunch of money and then when people come 1267 00:55:51,060 --> 00:55:53,938 and need the money, then you say, oh, it's not there. 1268 00:55:54,021 --> 00:55:54,772 You're fucked. 1269 00:55:54,855 --> 00:55:56,816 How are you any different than Bernie Madoff? 1270 00:55:56,899 --> 00:55:59,068 And she's like, sir, that's very insulting. 1271 00:55:59,151 --> 00:56:01,195 I'm just talking to you on the phone and following orders. 1272 00:56:01,278 --> 00:56:03,739 I was like, you're following orders. 1273 00:56:03,823 --> 00:56:05,282 You're following orders. 1274 00:56:05,366 --> 00:56:07,535 You are a Nazi. 1275 00:56:07,618 --> 00:56:09,245 You are no different than a Nazi. 1276 00:56:09,328 --> 00:56:12,289 That's what the Nazi said as they kill the Jews. 1277 00:56:12,373 --> 00:56:13,833 We're just following orders. 1278 00:56:13,916 --> 00:56:16,127 She's like, sir, I will hang up the phone 1279 00:56:16,210 --> 00:56:17,010 if you keep talking like this. 1280 00:56:17,093 --> 00:56:17,962 I was like, you know what? 1281 00:56:18,045 --> 00:56:19,422 I won't keep talking like this, 1282 00:56:19,505 --> 00:56:22,383 because you're not Bernie Madoff, and you're not a Nazi. 1283 00:56:22,466 --> 00:56:26,595 You, my lady, are a daft fucking cunt! 1284 00:56:35,938 --> 00:56:40,401 And I sat down on my stoop, and I got my phone out, 1285 00:56:41,402 --> 00:56:42,903 and I texted the girl, and I was like, 1286 00:56:42,987 --> 00:56:46,949 my motorcycle just got stolen, and you owe me $15,000, 1287 00:56:47,033 --> 00:56:49,702 and it doesn't seem like you want to hang out anymore. 1288 00:56:49,785 --> 00:56:51,787 So you need to explain to me everything 1289 00:56:51,871 --> 00:56:54,206 that's going on in your head right now pretty please. 1290 00:56:54,290 --> 00:56:59,295 Thank you, and I sent it, and then I saw the bubbles. 1291 00:56:59,670 --> 00:57:01,714 The bubbles popped up, right? 1292 00:57:01,797 --> 00:57:04,925 It's the most dramatic thing we have in modern life, 1293 00:57:05,009 --> 00:57:09,430 those bubbles, and then the bubbles went away, 1294 00:57:13,017 --> 00:57:16,520 and then the bubbles came back, and she said, dear Kevin, 1295 00:57:17,396 --> 00:57:18,981 it was so lovely meeting you. 1296 00:57:21,484 --> 00:57:23,027 I will never forget you and your family. 1297 00:57:23,110 --> 00:57:25,321 I don't know why you were all so nice to me. 1298 00:57:25,404 --> 00:57:26,822 I was lonely and scared in New York, 1299 00:57:26,906 --> 00:57:28,866 and I just wanted to go on some fun dates 1300 00:57:28,949 --> 00:57:30,117 and hook up with someone, 1301 00:57:30,201 --> 00:57:32,453 and then I got caught up with all the romance 1302 00:57:32,536 --> 00:57:34,622 of Christmas in New York with a wonderful person, 1303 00:57:34,705 --> 00:57:38,042 but for me, it was always temporary from the beginning. 1304 00:57:38,125 --> 00:57:40,419 I could have been more clear about that. 1305 00:57:41,796 --> 00:57:42,672 You don't say. 1306 00:57:44,715 --> 00:57:45,549 I'm very sorry. 1307 00:57:45,633 --> 00:57:46,842 Thank you for everything 1308 00:57:47,885 --> 00:57:50,429 and for anything that I put you through, 1309 00:57:50,513 --> 00:57:54,600 and then there was a single tear emoji at the end. 1310 00:57:56,018 --> 00:57:59,355 So I sent her back a thumbs up emoji, 1311 00:58:00,773 --> 00:58:02,733 but things were not feeling thumbs up. 1312 00:58:04,527 --> 00:58:06,654 Then I said, I'd like to move on 1313 00:58:06,737 --> 00:58:08,989 to the business-related matters. 1314 00:58:10,449 --> 00:58:12,118 When am I going to get the money back? 1315 00:58:12,201 --> 00:58:13,202 And she said, you can trust me. 1316 00:58:13,285 --> 00:58:14,495 You'll get the money back. 1317 00:58:14,578 --> 00:58:16,622 My bank account is still really messed up. 1318 00:58:16,706 --> 00:58:17,832 I'm really sorry. 1319 00:58:17,915 --> 00:58:19,417 I was like, okay. 1320 00:58:19,500 --> 00:58:22,253 So a few days went by, and I text her, 1321 00:58:22,336 --> 00:58:25,715 and I said, question mark, any update on the money? 1322 00:58:25,798 --> 00:58:27,049 No response. 1323 00:58:27,133 --> 00:58:29,760 Then a few days later, two question marks, 1324 00:58:29,844 --> 00:58:33,889 and I sent it, and it was green, 1325 00:58:35,725 --> 00:58:37,810 and there was a little exclamation point that said, 1326 00:58:37,893 --> 00:58:41,564 not delivered, which means she disconnected her phone line. 1327 00:58:42,773 --> 00:58:47,778 Yeah, and right about that time, my mom texted me, 1328 00:58:50,114 --> 00:58:53,576 and said, hey, Kev, I was just praying, 1329 00:58:53,659 --> 00:58:54,869 and I thought about you. 1330 00:58:55,703 --> 00:58:57,329 How are you doing? 1331 00:58:57,413 --> 00:59:00,124 How is everything with the girl? 1332 00:59:00,207 --> 00:59:02,001 And I was like, oh, you were praying, huh? 1333 00:59:02,084 --> 00:59:06,881 Wow, why don't you ask him if this is entertaining, huh? 1334 00:59:08,215 --> 00:59:09,925 Are you having a good time, buddy? 1335 00:59:10,801 --> 00:59:12,386 How's it going up there? 1336 00:59:13,888 --> 00:59:16,057 She said, have you got the money back yet? 1337 00:59:16,140 --> 00:59:19,226 And I said, no, but things are going really well 1338 00:59:19,310 --> 00:59:20,061 with the girl. 1339 00:59:20,144 --> 00:59:21,771 We're actually have plans next week, 1340 00:59:21,854 --> 00:59:24,774 and yeah, I'll definitely get it to you soon. 1341 00:59:24,857 --> 00:59:26,817 She said, okay, love you, 1342 00:59:26,901 --> 00:59:31,113 and then I walked around for two weeks 1343 00:59:31,197 --> 00:59:33,240 without talking to anybody about this, 1344 00:59:33,324 --> 00:59:36,118 just figuring out in my head what my next move was, 1345 00:59:36,202 --> 00:59:38,037 what I was gonna do, and I thought to myself, I said, 1346 00:59:38,120 --> 00:59:38,913 you know what? 1347 00:59:38,996 --> 00:59:43,042 I'm gonna pay my parents back, and then after that, 1348 00:59:44,460 --> 00:59:48,839 I'm gonna start taking public transportation, that's fine, 1349 00:59:48,923 --> 00:59:53,886 and I'm definitely going to put 15% of all of my money 1350 00:59:53,969 --> 00:59:56,764 into a retirement account after this going forward, 1351 00:59:56,847 --> 00:59:58,265 and I'm gonna be responsible with that, 1352 00:59:58,349 --> 01:00:02,186 and I'm going to go to the dentist every six months. 1353 01:00:02,269 --> 01:00:04,146 Every six months, you go to the dentist, 1354 01:00:04,230 --> 01:00:05,523 and you get a good cleaning, 1355 01:00:05,606 --> 01:00:07,441 and you never miss a yearly physical, 1356 01:00:07,525 --> 01:00:09,694 'cause you know that on your mom's side, 1357 01:00:09,777 --> 01:00:11,320 cancer runs in the family, 1358 01:00:11,404 --> 01:00:13,864 and early detection is the best way, 1359 01:00:13,948 --> 01:00:15,950 and it's better than any cure they have. 1360 01:00:20,121 --> 01:00:22,707 That's a lot to carry around for a few weeks 1361 01:00:22,790 --> 01:00:27,128 with just myself, and I was thinking, you know what? 1362 01:00:29,005 --> 01:00:30,548 Never too much, never too little. 1363 01:00:30,631 --> 01:00:33,217 Just gonna be right in the middle from now on, okay? 1364 01:00:33,300 --> 01:00:36,512 And then I went home, and I got on my computer, 1365 01:00:36,595 --> 01:00:39,765 and I had an email, and the email was from a language 1366 01:00:39,849 --> 01:00:43,602 that I didn't understand and didn't recognize, 1367 01:00:43,686 --> 01:00:46,981 and I opened it up, and it was an email from the girl, 1368 01:00:47,064 --> 01:00:48,649 and she said, I'm really sorry. 1369 01:00:49,650 --> 01:00:50,943 My phone was disconnected. 1370 01:00:51,027 --> 01:00:52,528 I don't know if you texted me, 1371 01:00:53,362 --> 01:00:56,198 but I had to disconnect the line 1372 01:00:56,282 --> 01:01:01,287 and reconnect with my new husband, who I love very much, 1373 01:01:01,454 --> 01:01:03,539 crying-laughing emoji, crying-laughing emoji, 1374 01:01:03,622 --> 01:01:05,458 crying-laughing emoji. 1375 01:01:05,541 --> 01:01:08,169 Ha ha, we should all be square now. 1376 01:01:11,547 --> 01:01:16,260 Exactly, oh yeah, you owed me a text back. 1377 01:01:16,344 --> 01:01:17,970 That's what it was. 1378 01:01:19,138 --> 01:01:19,972 I was in the city at the time, 1379 01:01:20,056 --> 01:01:21,849 and I walked past an ATM machine, 1380 01:01:21,932 --> 01:01:25,519 and I went to my ATM machine, and I looked, 1381 01:01:25,603 --> 01:01:29,607 and there was $15,000 in my account, 1382 01:01:31,150 --> 01:01:32,401 and I was like, what? 1383 01:01:32,485 --> 01:01:33,569 Is that a miracle? 1384 01:01:33,652 --> 01:01:34,528 Like what, how? 1385 01:01:34,612 --> 01:01:38,616 And then I thought about it, and she had my account number 1386 01:01:38,699 --> 01:01:42,286 and my routing number from Christmas that I gave it to her, 1387 01:01:42,370 --> 01:01:45,247 and she just used that and transferred me all the money. 1388 01:01:52,380 --> 01:01:54,799 You get your bike back? 1389 01:01:54,882 --> 01:01:57,468 Thanks for bringing up hard times, sir. 1390 01:01:57,551 --> 01:01:59,011 This is almost happy! 1391 01:02:02,056 --> 01:02:05,226 A few months later, I was having dinner with my parents, 1392 01:02:05,309 --> 01:02:07,144 and my dad was just like, hey, whatever happened 1393 01:02:07,228 --> 01:02:10,106 to that nice girl that we had dinner with at Christmas? 1394 01:02:10,189 --> 01:02:14,068 And I was like, I loaned her $15,000, and I only had nine. 1395 01:02:14,151 --> 01:02:16,070 So mom actually gave me $6,000, 1396 01:02:17,321 --> 01:02:18,572 and then we loaned it to her, 1397 01:02:18,656 --> 01:02:20,616 and then I really haven't talked to her again, 1398 01:02:20,700 --> 01:02:22,535 and my dad looked at my mom and he said, 1399 01:02:22,618 --> 01:02:25,746 you told me that the bank made a mistake 1400 01:02:25,830 --> 01:02:27,373 and that you were on the phone with Chase, 1401 01:02:27,456 --> 01:02:30,710 and you were angry, because they weren't fixing it. 1402 01:02:30,793 --> 01:02:33,337 My mom looked at my dad, and she said, listen, your son 1403 01:02:33,421 --> 01:02:35,798 and I helped a nice poor immigrant get 1404 01:02:35,881 --> 01:02:37,008 into this wonderful country. 1405 01:02:37,091 --> 01:02:39,510 If anything, that is a good lie! 1406 01:02:47,560 --> 01:02:52,565 Now I was still very sad, because I really liked that girl, 1407 01:02:54,692 --> 01:02:58,112 and so I went to Paris for a few months. 1408 01:02:58,195 --> 01:02:58,946 I sublet up my apartment. 1409 01:02:59,030 --> 01:03:01,115 I went to Paris for a few months, and well, 1410 01:03:01,198 --> 01:03:02,324 'cause I'm very pretentious. 1411 01:03:02,408 --> 01:03:05,161 I was like, I'm gonna go to Paris and be a writer, 1412 01:03:05,244 --> 01:03:07,246 and I got to do it, you know? 1413 01:03:07,329 --> 01:03:10,207 And 'cause listen, if you want good bratwurst, 1414 01:03:10,291 --> 01:03:12,752 you go to Germany, and if you want good paella, 1415 01:03:12,835 --> 01:03:15,671 you gotta Spain, and if you want to find Emelie, 1416 01:03:17,465 --> 01:03:18,424 you go to France. 1417 01:03:18,507 --> 01:03:19,759 You know what I'm saying? 1418 01:03:20,926 --> 01:03:24,597 But while I was there, I wrote a play, 1419 01:03:24,680 --> 01:03:26,223 and in order to finish this show, 1420 01:03:26,307 --> 01:03:29,226 I want to just perform this, the last scene of this play, 1421 01:03:29,310 --> 01:03:31,687 and so we can get outta here, 1422 01:03:31,771 --> 01:03:33,522 are there any actors that would help me perform 1423 01:03:33,606 --> 01:03:36,108 this play that I wrote, anybody? 1424 01:03:36,192 --> 01:03:37,860 Is there anybody? 1425 01:03:37,943 --> 01:03:39,153 You, sir, what's your name? 1426 01:03:39,236 --> 01:03:40,446 Michael. - Michael? 1427 01:03:40,529 --> 01:03:42,448 Yeah. - Okay, and you're an actor? 1428 01:03:42,531 --> 01:03:43,282 Yeah. 1429 01:03:43,366 --> 01:03:44,200 Because this isn't comedy, dude. 1430 01:03:44,283 --> 01:03:45,993 This is like serious stuff, okay? 1431 01:03:46,077 --> 01:03:46,827 All right, come on up, Mike. 1432 01:03:46,911 --> 01:03:47,953 Give Michael a round of applause. 1433 01:03:50,164 --> 01:03:50,915 Dude, thank you so much. 1434 01:03:50,998 --> 01:03:51,749 Thank you. 1435 01:03:51,832 --> 01:03:54,335 Okay, so here's the script. 1436 01:03:54,418 --> 01:03:59,006 So my character is named Kyle Doberman, Okay? 1437 01:03:59,090 --> 01:04:01,175 And you'll learn about him. 1438 01:04:01,258 --> 01:04:04,345 You're gonna be playing the role of reformed pedophile. 1439 01:04:08,724 --> 01:04:09,475 No, I'm just kidding. 1440 01:04:09,558 --> 01:04:10,518 It's pretty self-explanatory. 1441 01:04:10,601 --> 01:04:13,145 Go ahead and start there, and then we will go through it. 1442 01:04:13,229 --> 01:04:13,979 Sound good? 1443 01:04:14,063 --> 01:04:15,606 Great. - All right, sorry to do this, 1444 01:04:15,690 --> 01:04:17,942 but I have to go get into costume. 1445 01:04:18,025 --> 01:04:20,069 So just start when I say action, okay? 1446 01:04:20,986 --> 01:04:23,614 All right, one second, Michael. 1447 01:04:24,448 --> 01:04:25,199 Are you ready? 1448 01:04:25,282 --> 01:04:26,033 Yes. 1449 01:04:26,117 --> 01:04:27,785 Okay, action. 1450 01:04:27,868 --> 01:04:30,871 Hey, Kyle, get out here. 1451 01:04:32,456 --> 01:04:33,874 Where are you, Kyle? 1452 01:04:36,293 --> 01:04:38,337 You gotta come out here. 1453 01:04:38,421 --> 01:04:39,672 It's time. 1454 01:04:41,549 --> 01:04:43,551 God damn it, come on out here now. 1455 01:04:43,634 --> 01:04:45,428 I need to have a word with you, son. 1456 01:04:53,060 --> 01:04:54,478 Look at you. 1457 01:04:54,562 --> 01:04:56,439 You're still wearing all that mess. 1458 01:04:57,690 --> 01:04:59,608 You still haven't taken any of that off 1459 01:04:59,692 --> 01:05:01,485 in I don't know how long. 1460 01:05:01,569 --> 01:05:04,739 Kyle, you don't even own the damn motorcycle anymore. 1461 01:05:05,781 --> 01:05:08,492 It's gone, and it ain't coming back. 1462 01:05:08,576 --> 01:05:10,995 So why the hell are you wearing all that? 1463 01:05:13,622 --> 01:05:14,999 I guess you're going to have to have it 1464 01:05:15,082 --> 01:05:17,168 on your whole damn life. 1465 01:05:17,251 --> 01:05:18,961 I guess to the day you die, 1466 01:05:19,045 --> 01:05:22,381 you're going to be wearing all the gear all the time. 1467 01:05:24,091 --> 01:05:25,885 You'll always be atgatt. 1468 01:05:28,929 --> 01:05:29,764 The end. 1469 01:05:42,151 --> 01:05:47,156 Kevin, Kevin, you okay? 1470 01:05:51,118 --> 01:05:52,411 Let me tell you something, son. 1471 01:05:52,495 --> 01:05:54,997 At some point, you gotta take it off. 1472 01:05:55,998 --> 01:05:57,249 That's not living. 1473 01:05:57,333 --> 01:05:58,918 What, are you scared? 1474 01:05:59,001 --> 01:06:00,753 You think somebody's gonna hurt you? 1475 01:06:00,836 --> 01:06:02,797 Of course they will. 1476 01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:06,842 Hell, you are going to die. 1477 01:06:06,926 --> 01:06:11,514 Everyone will when their time comes, but living in fear? 1478 01:06:11,597 --> 01:06:12,807 That's not life. 1479 01:06:14,392 --> 01:06:16,060 You know what will kill you? 1480 01:06:16,143 --> 01:06:21,148 Pride, jealousy, ambition, they will all kill you slow, 1481 01:06:24,151 --> 01:06:26,112 but you know what will really kill you? 1482 01:06:26,195 --> 01:06:29,198 Life, life will kill you. 1483 01:06:30,116 --> 01:06:33,786 So while you're here, you need to live it. 1484 01:06:33,869 --> 01:06:38,833 Oh, take chances, but each one of those chances, 1485 01:06:39,458 --> 01:06:43,087 fill 'em with faith, with hope, with love. 1486 01:06:43,170 --> 01:06:45,589 Oh, and there are no guarantees. 1487 01:06:45,673 --> 01:06:47,258 That's not part of the deal. 1488 01:06:48,467 --> 01:06:50,302 Life is all you get. 1489 01:06:52,221 --> 01:06:54,724 There are a whole mess of ways that you can live life, 1490 01:06:54,807 --> 01:06:58,436 but I will tell you it ain't like this. 1491 01:07:00,980 --> 01:07:02,064 Take that off. 1492 01:07:05,276 --> 01:07:08,112 Oh, you think you can control life? 1493 01:07:08,195 --> 01:07:09,155 Good luck with that. 1494 01:07:09,238 --> 01:07:11,282 You're a fool to try. 1495 01:07:12,491 --> 01:07:13,701 That's not how life works. 1496 01:07:13,784 --> 01:07:17,997 Kevin, life ain't foolproof. 1497 01:07:27,715 --> 01:07:28,466 Hi, how you doing? 1498 01:07:28,549 --> 01:07:30,676 This is officer Mcgroan from the 90th precinct. 1499 01:07:30,760 --> 01:07:31,886 I'm calling you in regards to your bike 1500 01:07:31,969 --> 01:07:34,597 that was stolen a couple months ago. 1501 01:07:34,680 --> 01:07:36,849 We have it recovered here at the 90th precinct 1502 01:07:36,932 --> 01:07:40,061 at 211 Union Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. 1503 01:07:40,144 --> 01:07:44,607 If you want, give us a call at 963-5311 1504 01:07:44,690 --> 01:07:45,733 for more details in regards. 1505 01:07:45,816 --> 01:07:46,650 Thank you.