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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Everyone give a
warm, warm round of applause

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to Kevin James Doyle.

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How you doing?

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I went to dinner recently with a friend

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who was going through a tough time.

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His wife left him and he was getting divorced

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and he got fired from his job

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and then he came home to his new apartment

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and it was on fire.

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So I was out to dinner with him and I was like,

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"Hey man, how you doing?"

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And he was like, "Oh, you know,

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it's just one of the worst times in my entire life."

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And I was like, "One of?

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What other time of your life is as bad as this?"

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And he said, "Probably middle school."

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That's how bad middle school was for some people.

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I had a horrible time in middle school.

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Sometimes I think if I had a written record

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of every thought, every memory,

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every experience I went through during that time,

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if I found that, I would burn it.

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Unless there was an audience.

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And then I would read it to you.

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I went home for Christmas recently

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and I found a journal that I
started keeping in sixth grade.

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And I don't know how else to say it.

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Every word of this is real.

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I wish I was as funny as I was

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as I wrote all of this in sixth grade, but I'm not.

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No one is.

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And if you found this from your life,

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it would be just as embarrassing.

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"October 28th, 1997."

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So I think it's about time I kept the journal.

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I mean, heck, I'm 13.

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I feel like that's when life
starts to get interesting.

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I mean, it better.

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So far life has been pretty boring,

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but something tells me it's about to be good.

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Real good.

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December 4th, 1997.

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I like the internet. It is fun.

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I like chat rooms, especially sports chat rooms.

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You can find out about players,
even the scores of games.

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But sometimes people want to
talk about weird sexual things.

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I don't wanna talk about your
privates, I wanna talk sports.

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March 4th, 1998.

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Okay, we need to talk about something.

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Jenny McCarthy.

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She's on a show called "Singled Out"

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and I want to write about her here,

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but if someone reads this and knows what I'm thinking,

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I would be absolutely humiliated.

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"Okay, here's a hint. Two words, hard penis."

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It's just a hint.

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"May 7th, 1998."

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I can't think what to write about today

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so I'll just write about something that I love, my hair.

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I love running my hands through it.

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It is bright, shiny, and magnificent.

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I won the best hair award in class today too,

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and I felt honored 'cause that class

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"is chock full of great heads of hair."

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Now what I was doing there

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is actually a complex literary
device called dramatic irony.

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And that is when the writer doesn't know something

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that we the audience know.

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"October 14th, 1998."

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So for my birthday I was excited

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because Kenny got me Master P's album.

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But when mom saw the parental advisory on it,

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she made me take it back.

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So we went to the mall to return it and I got a new CD.

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I picked up Puff Daddy's album, and guess what?

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It had a parental advisory too.

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But I covered it with my thumb and mom never saw it.

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Probably the coolest thing I've ever done.

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February 21st, 1999.

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Mom practically forced me
to audition for the school play.

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On one hand, it's nice

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because she thinks I'd be good at theater and stuff.

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And on the other hand, it's kind of messed up

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because if I get in this show,

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"it could distract me from my true passion, sports."

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So I wanna tell you guys

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about a time that's not in my journal.

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And it's the first time that a
woman ever touched my penis.

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And it was technically a threesome

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'cause there were two women in the room at the time.

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The first was Dr. Melinda Schatowitz,

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and the other was my mom.

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Two words, soft penis, okay?

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So Dr. Melinda Schatowitz is like,

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"Kevin drop your drawers."

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And I was like, "My mom is right there."

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And she's like, "Barb, turn around."

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So my mom turned around,
continued to talk the entire time,

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and Dr. Melinda Schatowitz

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is cupping my balls inspecting them.

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She gets distracted from my
mom and she starts talking.

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I'm just standing there

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with this old lady cupping my testicles

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as they're having a conversation

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and I'm like, "Excuse me?"

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And talk to Melinda Schatowitz, she's like,

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"Kevin, this is completely normal.

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This is not weird. This is not weird.

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This is not weird. This is completely normal."

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I'm like, "You've been cupping my balls for 30 seconds.

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My mom is in the corner. This isn't just weird.

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This is the worst moment of my entire life."

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And it was, up to that point,

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it was the worst moment of my life.

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But, now I'm an adult and it's totally fine, you know?

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I mean, if anything, it informs parts of my adult life.

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Like for example, when I'm dating,

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I'm only attracted to 70-year-old Jewish women.

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And I can't cum unless my mom's in the corner talking.

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How you guys doing, huh? Good?

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You all there? You like that?

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All right, so that's not even the worst

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doctor's appointment I had at that age

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'cause a few years after
that, my hair started falling out

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and I had to go get tests to find out

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if there was something wrong with me.

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Okay, so I walked in the room with my mom

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and this guy walks out and he is a beautiful man.

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He looked like George Clooney
walked off the set of "ER",

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just beautiful locks and he said,

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"Kevin, we're gonna find out what's wrong with you.

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And I need to give you a blood test

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and you can come back next week and I can diagnose you."

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So I take the blood test, we leave.

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I come back the next week with my mom,

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and we're very concerned,
we're nervous, we're sitting there

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and he walks in the room really solemn.

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I was like, "Okay."

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He said, "Kevin, I just wanna tell you

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that what you have is incurable

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and what we can do, we can fight the symptoms,

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but this is something you're gonna have to live with."

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And I was like, "Doc, am I gonna make it?"

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He's like, "I think you're gonna make it

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'cause nobody yet has died of male pattern baldness."

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I was like, "So that was a joke you just did?"

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He's like, "Kevin, you know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

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You know, this can actually happen as young as 14.

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It's very rare, but it's happened to you.

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And so I just wanna let you know

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if you're insecure about this.

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"I was insecure when I was a kid about my hair."

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And I was like, "Really?"

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He said, "Yeah, I was insecure 'cause my hair was so thick."

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I was like, "Cool doc."

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That's not an insecurity
that exists in the world, okay?

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You don't make up your own insecurities.

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Society chooses them for us.

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And as a group of people, we haven't chosen big penis

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or thick hair as an insecurity you're allowed to have.

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My mom is even more concerned than me.

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My mom is just like, "Is there anything we can do?"

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He's like, "Well, we have three options," I was like "Okay."

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He's like, "First option, you go bald."

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I was like, "Okay."

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He's like, "Second option, you can get a hair transplant.

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We take hair from the back of your head,

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and we transplant it to the
top and it'll grow like normal."

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I'm like, "I'm like four years away from the SATs.

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I'm not getting a hair transplant, okay?"

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He's like, "The third option is a drug."

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It's a pill that you take every day called Propecia,

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and you'll keep all the hair that you have

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and you'll even grow some hair back

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"and you take that pill for the rest of your life."

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My mom said, "Okay, are there any side effects?"

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He said, "There's one side effect,

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it can cause early onset erectile dysfunction."

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And I was like, "I think I'll just go bald, okay?"

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I can't think of a more worst case scenario,

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a more Faustian bargain

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than to be age 22 and hitting on a girl and she's like,

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"Ooh, you're cute."

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And I'm like, "Well sweetheart,
I hope you like these locks"

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'cause down here is out of order.

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Yeah, my penis doesn't work.

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I've been on Propecia for eight years.

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So, you know when you go to those car dealerships?

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Yeah, it's kinda like one of those floppy guys

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"just like that, pretty good though, huh?"

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So my mom's like, "Don't you care?"

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I was like, "Yes, of course I care."

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She's like, "Does it bother you?"

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I was like, "Yes, of course

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it bothers me, but you know what?

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I'm just gonna go bald and
one day it's not gonna bother me

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and I'm not gonna care."

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And that's what happened

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through high school and through college,

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I hated it, it bothered me.

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And then I got older and older
and it never bothers me now.

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I never even think about it.

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That's a lie.

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There's one time in life when it bothers me,

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and that's when I'm around kids.

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I work with like four and five year olds as a teacher.

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And if I walk into a classroom and I don't have a hat on,

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all the kids are like, "Hi Mr Kevin."

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If I walk into a classroom with a hat on, they're like,

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"Hi, Mr Kevin."

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If I walk into a classroom with a hat on

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and midway through class, I take my hat off,

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all the kids at once, they're like,

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"You're bald! He has no hair!"

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So I find myself getting to the door of the classroom

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and I'm just like, all right, Kevin hat on or hat off?

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Choose now,

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you don't want Penelope and
Sebastian and their little gang

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making fun of you again, okay?

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00:11:10,554 --> 00:11:12,258
So this happened one time, and no joke.

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A little girl named Madeline in the front of class,

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everyone said, "You're bald!"

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And she looked up and she said, "Mr. Kevin."

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I was like, "Yeah."

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And she said, "Can you grow your hair back?"

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And I said, "No, I can't grow my hair back.

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And even if I could, I wouldn't

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because I love myself just the way that I am."

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And she said, "I think you look mean with no hair."

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And she started to cry.

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So sorry if it bothers me occasionally.

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So I'm bald now, I live in New York

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and I used to have day job that I absolutely loved.

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And this day job was being a
tour guide around New York City

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for eighth graders on their
eighth grade trip to New York.

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And I loved that because I
made it a mission of mine to say,

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"You know what?"

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These kids are in an uncomfortable part of life.

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All right, this is difficult.

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I'm gonna try and be a good influence

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and try and connect with the kids.

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So I try to connect with them

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by being like a cool tour guide.

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I don't know how you express that to eighth graders.

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I would just be like, "All right guys, what's up?

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I'm Kevin, and don't worry, I'm a cool tour guide."

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They're like, "Oh, I wanna kill myself."

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So I try and talk to them about music.

251
00:12:30,052 --> 00:12:31,322
That's the way I try and connect with 'em.

252
00:12:31,364 --> 00:12:32,475
So I'd be like,

253
00:12:32,517 --> 00:12:34,262
"Hey guys, so what sort of music do you listen to?"

254
00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:35,478
And they're like, "What do you listen to?"

255
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,333
And I was like, "I don't know, pretty cool music.

256
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:39,857
Like Radiohead."

257
00:12:39,899 --> 00:12:42,289
And they're like, "Ugh, that's old people music."

258
00:12:42,331 --> 00:12:45,157
And I'm like, "Shit, that's old people music.

259
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:48,775
It was cool for so long. What do you guys listen to?"

260
00:12:48,817 --> 00:12:49,854
And they're like, "We like rap."

261
00:12:49,896 --> 00:12:51,184
And I was like, "I like rap too.

262
00:12:51,226 --> 00:12:53,068
I like Wu-Tang. I like Biggie."

263
00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:54,812
And they're like, "Ugh that's old people rap."

264
00:12:54,854 --> 00:12:57,995
And I'm like, "Shit, that's older than Radiohead.

265
00:12:58,037 --> 00:12:59,954
That's old people rap."

266
00:13:01,377 --> 00:13:03,055
I was like, "I do cool things sometimes.

267
00:13:03,097 --> 00:13:06,206
One time I got a CD with a principal advisory on it

268
00:13:06,248 --> 00:13:07,435
and I covered it with my thumb."

269
00:13:07,477 --> 00:13:08,833
And they're like, "What are CDs?"

270
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,829
And I'm like, "Oh, shit, I'm old."

271
00:13:11,871 --> 00:13:13,561
Just on a conveyor belt away

272
00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:15,549
from coolness and towards death.

273
00:13:17,938 --> 00:13:19,276
There was this one kid they were picking on

274
00:13:19,318 --> 00:13:21,398
'cause he wasn't allowed to listen to rap music.

275
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,272
And I could relate because I wasn't allowed to listen

276
00:13:23,314 --> 00:13:25,326
to certain types of music when I was growing up

277
00:13:25,368 --> 00:13:29,053
'cause I grew up in like a
conservative Christian family.

278
00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:30,435
And so I remember

279
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,674
I wasn't allowed to listen to Marilyn Manson.

280
00:13:33,716 --> 00:13:35,424
No, I wanted to, and they're like,

281
00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:38,012
"No, you cannot listen to Marilyn Manson."

282
00:13:38,054 --> 00:13:40,939
Does anyone remember the
rumor about Marilyn Manson?

283
00:13:40,981 --> 00:13:41,880
Yeah. - Yeah.

284
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:44,128
What was the rumor? - The ribs.

285
00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:46,639
He had two ribs removed why?

286
00:13:46,681 --> 00:13:50,342
So he could suck his dick. - So he could suck his dick.

287
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,817
I just want the audience to say it and not me.

288
00:13:53,859 --> 00:13:58,526
So you all believe that it
was a widespread rumor, okay?

289
00:13:59,496 --> 00:14:03,467
So imagine how I felt and I wasn't allowed

290
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,589
to listen to the one artist in the world

291
00:14:05,631 --> 00:14:08,018
who was living out my dream at the time, you know?

292
00:14:09,314 --> 00:14:10,654
That wasn't just my dream,

293
00:14:10,696 --> 00:14:12,225
that was every boy's dream at that age.

294
00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:15,912
It doesn't matter if it's your brother, your father,

295
00:14:15,954 --> 00:14:20,327
Pope Francis or Barack Obama,
at 13 we were all the same.

296
00:14:20,369 --> 00:14:21,160
We were just like,

297
00:14:21,202 --> 00:14:24,766
"I think I can make it. I think I can make it."

298
00:14:24,808 --> 00:14:27,006
And you couldn't make it.

299
00:14:27,048 --> 00:14:29,926
You'd have to lose two ribs in order to make it, you know?

300
00:14:29,968 --> 00:14:32,395
So do you remember what we all did? What'd you do?

301
00:14:32,437 --> 00:14:33,374
We'd all go to our parents.

302
00:14:33,416 --> 00:14:35,897
We'd be like, "Hey mom, I have a question."

303
00:14:35,939 --> 00:14:36,862
And she'd be like, "Yes sweetheart?"

304
00:14:36,904 --> 00:14:40,260
And you'd be like, "Can I get two ribs removed?"

305
00:14:40,302 --> 00:14:42,052
She'd be like, "Why?"

306
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:43,839
And you'd be like,

307
00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:47,327
"Well, I'm almost too embarrassed to even say it."

308
00:14:48,705 --> 00:14:50,348
And she'd be like, "You can tell me anything."

309
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,400
And you'd be like, "Well, I was kind of hoping

310
00:14:53,442 --> 00:14:55,426
that I could suck my own dick."

311
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,190
And then your mom would kneel down and say,

312
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,290
"Sweetheart, that's a very invasive surgery.

313
00:15:02,332 --> 00:15:03,267
So in the meantime,

314
00:15:03,309 --> 00:15:06,618
you're just gonna have to
stretch or use your hand, okay?"

315
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,795
And then you'd skip off.

316
00:15:08,837 --> 00:15:10,909
Do you remember when we had
that conversation with your mom?

317
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:11,742
Just me? Okay.

318
00:15:13,899 --> 00:15:16,335
I wasn't allowed to listen to Metallica either,

319
00:15:16,377 --> 00:15:18,167
which really bothered me, 'cause I didn't understand

320
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,373
why I wasn't allowed to listen to Metallica.

321
00:15:20,415 --> 00:15:23,481
I didn't realize what was wrong with them.

322
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,359
But I found a loophole actually,

323
00:15:25,401 --> 00:15:30,234
because I found a Christian
group, that took secular songs

324
00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:34,606
and would rewrite them with Christian lyrics.

325
00:15:34,648 --> 00:15:36,212
So sure, I wasn't allowed to listen

326
00:15:36,254 --> 00:15:39,024
to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica,

327
00:15:39,066 --> 00:15:41,934
but I was allowed to listen, to "Enter Samson."

328
00:15:43,674 --> 00:15:46,257
"Enter Samson" was was the same

329
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:49,655
rocking instrumentals of Metallica,

330
00:15:49,697 --> 00:15:54,006
but telling the Old Testament
story of Samson and Delilah.

331
00:15:54,048 --> 00:15:55,724
♪ See my hair, it's so long ♪

332
00:15:55,766 --> 00:15:57,883
♪ How'd I get so strong ♪

333
00:15:57,925 --> 00:16:01,186
♪ There's a clue in this song ♪

334
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:06,092
♪ See me one guy only whippin' your Philistines ♪

335
00:16:09,663 --> 00:16:14,200
Why would I even want to listen to the original?

336
00:16:14,242 --> 00:16:15,282
Why would I wanna listen

337
00:16:15,324 --> 00:16:17,898
to Deep purples "Smoke on the Water"

338
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,519
when I could listen to "Walk on the Water?"

339
00:16:22,368 --> 00:16:26,285
"Bohemian Rhapsody?", "Bethlehemian Rhapsody."

340
00:16:26,327 --> 00:16:28,183
I've got you one better queen.

341
00:16:31,842 --> 00:16:32,696
I always thought it was funny,

342
00:16:32,738 --> 00:16:35,537
James Hetfield from Metallica, the lead singer,

343
00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,009
in all of his songs, he's always like,

344
00:16:37,051 --> 00:16:39,465
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

345
00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:41,085
And I always thought it would be funny

346
00:16:41,127 --> 00:16:44,771
if that's not how he sings,
that's just any time in his life

347
00:16:44,813 --> 00:16:48,476
that he's overly excited or enthusiastic.

348
00:16:48,518 --> 00:16:49,377
Like, "Mr. Hetfield,

349
00:16:49,419 --> 00:16:51,250
would you like to start with an appetizer?"

350
00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:52,083
And he's like,

351
00:16:52,125 --> 00:16:53,236
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

352
00:16:58,197 --> 00:17:00,393
So I go up to my parents,

353
00:17:00,435 --> 00:17:02,567
And I'm like, "Can I listen to Metallica?"

354
00:17:02,609 --> 00:17:03,870
And they're like, "Absolutely not."

355
00:17:03,912 --> 00:17:07,037
I'm like, "Can I listen to
Metallica with Christian lyrics?"

356
00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:09,446
And both my parents at the same time are just like,

357
00:17:09,488 --> 00:17:12,646
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

358
00:17:12,688 --> 00:17:14,101
Boom.

359
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,825
When I'm giving these tours,

360
00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:21,592
every single tour was more awkward than the last

361
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:25,334
every single kid was just like awkward.

362
00:17:25,376 --> 00:17:26,556
They looked like circus freaks,

363
00:17:26,598 --> 00:17:28,038
like they're in physical pain

364
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,573
because they just got new
rubber bands on their braces.

365
00:17:30,615 --> 00:17:33,096
They're like, "I can't even eat an apple." You know?

366
00:17:33,138 --> 00:17:34,403
And they all have acne.

367
00:17:34,445 --> 00:17:36,057
There's like one kid with a girlfriend

368
00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:38,627
and his girlfriend's like three feet taller than him.

369
00:17:38,669 --> 00:17:41,605
She's like, "I don't even know what we're doing, okay."

370
00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:43,881
And all the kids are just
like making fun of everything.

371
00:17:43,923 --> 00:17:44,996
They're afraid to like anything.

372
00:17:45,038 --> 00:17:46,685
And then there was this one kid

373
00:17:46,727 --> 00:17:49,568
who was completely comfortable with who he was.

374
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,593
It was amazing, I still remember this kid.

375
00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:53,584
He had a weird name, named Arlo.

376
00:17:53,626 --> 00:17:55,449
And all these kids were making fun of his name.

377
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:56,981
And I remember they're picking on him

378
00:17:57,023 --> 00:17:58,417
and he just like, "I don't care.

379
00:17:58,459 --> 00:18:01,046
You can make fun of my name all you want. I like who I am."

380
00:18:01,088 --> 00:18:04,583
I was like, who is this kid? He was amazing.

381
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:09,051
So on our itinerary, we are
going to the MoMA in New York,

382
00:18:09,093 --> 00:18:10,585
the Museum of Modern Art.

383
00:18:10,627 --> 00:18:12,777
And I wanted to be a good mentor for the kids.

384
00:18:12,819 --> 00:18:14,051
So I wanted to show 'em around,

385
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,627
show 'em some of the pieces of art.

386
00:18:15,669 --> 00:18:17,752
So I had this group of like six boys

387
00:18:17,794 --> 00:18:19,426
and I like showed 'em a painting.

388
00:18:19,468 --> 00:18:21,236
I was like, "Hey guys, huh?

389
00:18:21,278 --> 00:18:23,462
What do you think of the painting?"

390
00:18:23,504 --> 00:18:24,727
They're like, "That's just a square."

391
00:18:24,769 --> 00:18:27,251
And I'm like, "Yeah, but that's the first artist

392
00:18:27,293 --> 00:18:29,365
that drew a square."

393
00:18:29,407 --> 00:18:32,486
That sucks, we gotta find a
better painting than that, okay?

394
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:35,223
So we go up to the room where Van Gogh's "Starry Night" is

395
00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:37,184
one of the greatest paintings of all time.

396
00:18:37,226 --> 00:18:40,970
And we're standing there and I was like, "Huh?"

397
00:18:41,012 --> 00:18:43,640
And all the boys are just
laughing about how funny it'd be

398
00:18:43,682 --> 00:18:47,160
if they went up and punched the painting, that's it.

399
00:18:47,202 --> 00:18:49,170
And then Arlo hears 'em and he's like,

400
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,641
"If you even get close to that painting,

401
00:18:50,683 --> 00:18:52,602
you better appreciate the brush strokes."

402
00:18:55,624 --> 00:18:57,612
And one of the kids is like,

403
00:18:57,654 --> 00:18:59,839
"Stars don't even look like that."

404
00:18:59,881 --> 00:19:01,491
That's the eighth grade art critics

405
00:19:01,533 --> 00:19:02,768
"Stars don't even look like that."

406
00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:03,775
You know what Arlo says?

407
00:19:03,817 --> 00:19:05,900
Arlo's like "Stars aren't supposed to look like that.

408
00:19:05,942 --> 00:19:08,317
That's his impression of what stars look like.

409
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:11,026
It's called Impressionism. Ever hear of it?"

410
00:19:12,833 --> 00:19:14,860
I love this kid.

411
00:19:14,902 --> 00:19:18,694
So all of these kids are, this group is from Texas.

412
00:19:18,736 --> 00:19:21,208
And so they're always nervous that New York isn't safe.

413
00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:22,313
And so they're always come up to me

414
00:19:22,355 --> 00:19:23,817
and they're like, "Is Central Park safe?"

415
00:19:23,859 --> 00:19:25,847
And I'm like, "Yes, central Park is safe."

416
00:19:25,889 --> 00:19:27,829
They're like, "Is the subway safe?"

417
00:19:27,871 --> 00:19:30,002
I'm like, "Yes, the subway is safe."

418
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:30,835
And then this one kid,

419
00:19:30,877 --> 00:19:33,029
we're about to go in the theater to see "Wicked."

420
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:35,448
And they say, "Is the theater safe?"

421
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:38,146
And I'm like, "Yes, when is the theater not been safe?"

422
00:19:38,188 --> 00:19:39,983
And Arlo from the back is just like,

423
00:19:40,025 --> 00:19:41,825
"Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth,

424
00:19:41,867 --> 00:19:42,658
ever hear of 'em?"

425
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:46,471
I'm like, he's witty too, off the top of his head.

426
00:19:48,347 --> 00:19:49,748
So I asked this whole group, I was like,

427
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:51,808
"Hey, is everybody excited to see 'Wicked?'"

428
00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:54,643
And everyone's like, "Woo!"

429
00:19:54,685 --> 00:19:56,760
And then it quiets down and there's one guy in the back

430
00:19:56,802 --> 00:20:01,205
and he is just like, "No." Like, who was that?

431
00:20:01,247 --> 00:20:03,562
And it was a chaperone, he had on like a cowboy hat.

432
00:20:03,604 --> 00:20:05,163
And I was like, "Have you ever seen the show before?"

433
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,666
He is like, "No, I haven't seen the show.

434
00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:09,477
I just know I don't like musicals."

435
00:20:09,519 --> 00:20:11,123
I was like, "Okay."

436
00:20:11,165 --> 00:20:13,197
And Arlo says, "You don't like musicals?

437
00:20:13,239 --> 00:20:16,154
That's just a play with music. That's a two for one deal."

438
00:20:16,196 --> 00:20:17,484
He's frugal too.

439
00:20:20,298 --> 00:20:23,256
Now what was going on with that chaperone

440
00:20:23,298 --> 00:20:25,096
is something that I've seen before.

441
00:20:25,138 --> 00:20:27,391
He didn't even know that he was thinking it,

442
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:30,607
but what was going on is the thought that he had,

443
00:20:30,649 --> 00:20:35,316
which was, "If I see a musical and I like it, am I gay?"

444
00:20:37,021 --> 00:20:40,347
You know?

445
00:20:40,389 --> 00:20:41,791
And that's such like an absurd thing.

446
00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:43,372
But I'm telling you, I have seen it before

447
00:20:43,414 --> 00:20:45,581
because I remember my dad,

448
00:20:46,630 --> 00:20:49,972
he loves the book "Les Mis," it's his favorite book.

449
00:20:50,014 --> 00:20:52,517
So my mom got us tickets when we came to New York

450
00:20:52,559 --> 00:20:54,054
for the first time when I was a kid,

451
00:20:54,096 --> 00:20:56,161
to see "Les Mis the Musical."

452
00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:58,300
And he's like, "Oh my gosh, I love 'Les Mis.'"

453
00:20:58,342 --> 00:20:59,416
And then my mom's like,

454
00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:00,919
"It's a musical. I've heard it's great."

455
00:21:00,961 --> 00:21:03,685
My dad's like, " I don't like musicals!"

456
00:21:03,727 --> 00:21:05,027
She's like,

457
00:21:05,069 --> 00:21:06,576
"I've heard it's amazing. Everyone says it's great."

458
00:21:06,618 --> 00:21:10,393
He's like, "I think musicals are cheesy."

459
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,382
I was like, all right.

460
00:21:11,424 --> 00:21:13,148
So we went to the show and I don't like

461
00:21:13,190 --> 00:21:15,311
sitting next to somebody if they're not enjoying it.

462
00:21:15,353 --> 00:21:16,898
So I'm just watching the show on my own

463
00:21:16,940 --> 00:21:18,297
and then all of a sudden act one ends

464
00:21:18,339 --> 00:21:20,222
and there's big commotion next to me and I look

465
00:21:20,264 --> 00:21:21,055
and it's my dad.

466
00:21:21,097 --> 00:21:25,430
He's like, "Good show"

467
00:21:26,335 --> 00:21:28,786
Starts crying, he tells me, "I'll be right back."

468
00:21:28,828 --> 00:21:30,342
He runs down to the merch table,

469
00:21:30,384 --> 00:21:33,162
he gets a T-shirt, and he gets two CDs.

470
00:21:33,204 --> 00:21:34,456
He gets two of the cast albums.

471
00:21:34,498 --> 00:21:36,648
He comes back up and I'm like, "Is one of those for me?"

472
00:21:36,690 --> 00:21:37,627
And he's like, "No, they're both for me.

473
00:21:37,669 --> 00:21:39,024
In case one of them gets scratched,

474
00:21:39,066 --> 00:21:39,988
I wanna have an extra one."

475
00:21:43,112 --> 00:21:44,967
So I'm making a point.

476
00:21:45,009 --> 00:21:48,437
Now, my dad, anytime my dad is driving around now

477
00:21:48,479 --> 00:21:49,772
he's listening to "Les Mis."

478
00:21:49,814 --> 00:21:51,301
So he is just driving around, just being like,

479
00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:53,207
♪ Do you hear the people sing ♪

480
00:21:53,249 --> 00:21:55,368
♪ Singing a song of angry men ♪

481
00:21:55,410 --> 00:21:58,676
♪ Master of the house, keeper of the zoo ♪

482
00:21:58,718 --> 00:22:00,348
He loves "Les Mis."

483
00:22:00,390 --> 00:22:03,983
So I want to talk to that chaperone after "Wicked,"

484
00:22:04,025 --> 00:22:05,593
'cause I think he's gonna enjoy the show.

485
00:22:05,635 --> 00:22:07,139
So I make a beeline as they walk out.

486
00:22:07,181 --> 00:22:08,064
And I was like, "Hey, what'd you think?"

487
00:22:08,106 --> 00:22:11,026
He's like, "Kevin, oh my gosh, that show was incredible.

488
00:22:11,068 --> 00:22:13,354
I love the story. I love the songs."

489
00:22:13,396 --> 00:22:15,990
He's like, "I even got a cast album."

490
00:22:16,032 --> 00:22:16,876
I was like, "Are you serious?"

491
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:18,223
He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna listen to it

492
00:22:18,265 --> 00:22:20,581
when I get back down to Texas,
I'm gonna be driving around

493
00:22:20,623 --> 00:22:22,199
singing 'Defying Gravity.'

494
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:24,706
I'm gonna find a guy. I'm gonna suck his dick."

495
00:22:33,096 --> 00:22:35,929
So, okay, so I, enforced by my mom

496
00:22:40,219 --> 00:22:41,723
to audition for the school play.

497
00:22:41,765 --> 00:22:44,001
And little did I know it was a musical.

498
00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:46,973
A musical called "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."

499
00:22:47,015 --> 00:22:49,664
Now I was on the basketball team

500
00:22:49,706 --> 00:22:51,435
and I wanted to be on the basketball team.

501
00:22:51,477 --> 00:22:53,772
I told my mom, I was like, "I love playing basketball."

502
00:22:53,814 --> 00:22:56,541
And in our town you had to play everybody

503
00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:59,448
for four minutes a game, the games are 30 minutes long,

504
00:22:59,490 --> 00:23:00,700
everyone has to play four minutes.

505
00:23:00,742 --> 00:23:03,759
I always played four minutes, okay?

506
00:23:03,801 --> 00:23:05,603
So my mom is like, "Audition for the school play.

507
00:23:05,645 --> 00:23:07,951
I think there's a better way that we can all, as a family

508
00:23:07,993 --> 00:23:10,499
spend our time than going to your basketball games

509
00:23:10,541 --> 00:23:11,731
and seeing you on the bench."

510
00:23:11,773 --> 00:23:13,816
And I'm like, "All right."

511
00:23:13,858 --> 00:23:17,195
So I go audition for "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."

512
00:23:17,237 --> 00:23:20,335
And I walk in and I don't
know what the director thought,

513
00:23:20,377 --> 00:23:22,895
but I think when I walked in, she said, "Oh my gosh,

514
00:23:22,937 --> 00:23:25,750
an insecure adolescent boy who's bad at sports

515
00:23:25,792 --> 00:23:28,577
and prematurely balding, holy fucking shit,

516
00:23:28,619 --> 00:23:29,816
it is Charlie Brown."

517
00:23:34,742 --> 00:23:38,341
So I got Charlie Brown and I got to perform in it.

518
00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:40,201
And I loved it. It changed my life.

519
00:23:40,243 --> 00:23:41,316
After that, I was like,

520
00:23:41,358 --> 00:23:42,948
"I don't even wanna be on the basketball team.

521
00:23:42,990 --> 00:23:46,407
I'm excited for next year's school play."

522
00:23:47,728 --> 00:23:48,946
Next year we were in "Grease."

523
00:23:48,988 --> 00:23:51,194
Okay, now "Grease,"

524
00:23:51,236 --> 00:23:52,566
I don't know if you guys have ever watched it,

525
00:23:52,608 --> 00:23:56,336
just imagine a bunch of kids just singing "Grease,"

526
00:23:56,378 --> 00:23:57,466
'cause there's some stuff that is

527
00:23:57,508 --> 00:23:58,580
pretty odd to listen to now.

528
00:23:58,622 --> 00:24:02,192
Like here's a line from "Summer nights."

529
00:24:02,234 --> 00:24:06,715
♪ Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight ♪

530
00:24:08,587 --> 00:24:09,589
They're basically just like,

531
00:24:09,631 --> 00:24:12,564
"Hey Danny, did you rape Sandy?"

532
00:24:13,727 --> 00:24:15,627
And he's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.

533
00:24:15,669 --> 00:24:20,022
I don't wanna talk about it. I wanna sing about it."

534
00:24:24,489 --> 00:24:26,457
Now the end of Greece, you may remember

535
00:24:26,499 --> 00:24:27,995
Sandy, she's the good girl.

536
00:24:28,037 --> 00:24:30,907
At the end, she starts dressing sexy,

537
00:24:30,949 --> 00:24:33,406
she starts smoking and everyone's blown away.

538
00:24:33,448 --> 00:24:34,537
She gives into peer pressure.

539
00:24:34,579 --> 00:24:38,897
And then she just says, "Tell me about it stud."

540
00:24:38,939 --> 00:24:40,000
Remember that?

541
00:24:40,042 --> 00:24:43,405
Did you know there's a sequel called "Grease 2?"

542
00:24:43,447 --> 00:24:44,609
It's a real movie,

543
00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:48,649
Michelle Pfeiffer plays Sandy in "Grease 2"

544
00:24:48,691 --> 00:24:51,891
and in "Grease 2" it's interesting

545
00:24:51,933 --> 00:24:54,544
because the end of "Grease
1", she gives into peer pressure.

546
00:24:54,586 --> 00:24:59,072
She starts smoking, the beginning of "Grease 2,"

547
00:24:59,114 --> 00:25:02,017
she has a tracheotomy and she's just like,

548
00:25:02,059 --> 00:25:05,248
"I should have never started this bad habit."

549
00:25:05,290 --> 00:25:07,623
This was a horrible mistake.

550
00:25:08,651 --> 00:25:10,568
"Oh, Danny, I love you."

551
00:25:16,865 --> 00:25:21,043
So after "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown," and "Grease,"

552
00:25:21,085 --> 00:25:23,272
I told my parents I want to go to theater camp.

553
00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:24,883
So they found me a theater camp.

554
00:25:24,925 --> 00:25:27,269
And I went to theater camp

555
00:25:27,311 --> 00:25:30,436
and I kept a journal while I was at theater camp.

556
00:25:36,502 --> 00:25:38,522
Now, I'm a little bit older.

557
00:25:38,564 --> 00:25:42,197
My prose is a little more advanced, okay?

558
00:25:42,239 --> 00:25:43,656
"June 15th, 2002."

559
00:25:44,568 --> 00:25:47,898
Well, it's day one at theater camp.

560
00:25:47,940 --> 00:25:50,850
There are only a few guys here. It's mostly girls.

561
00:25:50,892 --> 00:25:53,242
I know I have a lot to learn, but I have a work ethic

562
00:25:53,284 --> 00:25:57,314
and a desire to learn as much as possible.

563
00:25:57,356 --> 00:25:59,937
The group question today is, why are you here?

564
00:25:59,979 --> 00:26:04,148
The answer, to learn everything humanly possible.

565
00:26:04,190 --> 00:26:06,770
I wanna be a great actor, writer, director,

566
00:26:06,812 --> 00:26:08,561
anything to do with theater.

567
00:26:08,603 --> 00:26:09,916
I wanna be great at everything,

568
00:26:09,958 --> 00:26:12,446
performing, writing, sets, costumes.

569
00:26:12,488 --> 00:26:14,773
And I think with hard work, I will leave this camp

570
00:26:14,815 --> 00:26:17,120
in two weeks with the knowledge to do just that.

571
00:26:21,025 --> 00:26:24,463
Day two, am I learning about acting?

572
00:26:24,505 --> 00:26:27,321
Yes, but also about people.

573
00:26:27,363 --> 00:26:28,846
Can I handle some of them? No.

574
00:26:28,888 --> 00:26:30,385
Can I hide it? Yes.

575
00:26:34,926 --> 00:26:39,011
I am also having a hard time sharing my attention.

576
00:26:39,053 --> 00:26:44,011
I mean, at Hoover High School Drama Club, I am it.

577
00:26:44,053 --> 00:26:46,340
It's me and only me.

578
00:26:49,765 --> 00:26:52,258
But here I have to share the spotlight.

579
00:26:52,300 --> 00:26:55,633
It looks like I'll have to earn respect.

580
00:26:57,098 --> 00:27:01,627
And this camp is just a taste of the real world.

581
00:27:01,669 --> 00:27:06,379
Day three. I love theater and I can be anyone on stage.

582
00:27:06,421 --> 00:27:07,679
And you know what?

583
00:27:07,721 --> 00:27:10,480
It doesn't matter if you have one line or 100 lines.

584
00:27:10,522 --> 00:27:12,811
It doesn't matter unless you affect a life.

585
00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:23,419
Day 5. Amalia, our counselor,
is my favorite person here.

586
00:27:23,461 --> 00:27:25,426
From the moment I saw her do her monologue

587
00:27:25,468 --> 00:27:29,885
from "The Diary of Anne Frank," I knew I had a crush.

588
00:27:33,562 --> 00:27:36,109
She is Jewish and could
really understand the character

589
00:27:36,151 --> 00:27:38,568
like someone else who is not.

590
00:27:39,871 --> 00:27:43,357
I have a thing for her, but boys will be boys, ha.

591
00:27:48,008 --> 00:27:48,841
Day seven.

592
00:27:50,077 --> 00:27:53,457
Today I feel how much I'm
gonna be getting out of this camp.

593
00:27:53,499 --> 00:27:55,165
I hate that it will end.

594
00:27:55,207 --> 00:27:57,913
I want to be around these people 24/7.

595
00:27:57,955 --> 00:28:01,741
They're all so open-minded
and accepting of one another.

596
00:28:01,783 --> 00:28:02,956
You never have to worry about

597
00:28:02,998 --> 00:28:05,296
sounding stupid or feeling dumb.

598
00:28:05,338 --> 00:28:07,377
There's a definite trust here.

599
00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:11,365
It's not just a camp, it's a fellowship of friends.

600
00:28:16,466 --> 00:28:17,299
Day eight.

601
00:28:18,465 --> 00:28:21,496
I spent the whole night
discussing religion, college,

602
00:28:21,538 --> 00:28:24,871
and sexuality with our counselor Matt Z.

603
00:28:25,833 --> 00:28:27,320
While Nile, Evan and Nick

604
00:28:27,362 --> 00:28:29,377
all looked at porn together in the other room.

605
00:28:31,778 --> 00:28:32,956
Matt is really cool,

606
00:28:32,998 --> 00:28:35,253
and I got to talk to him about being gay.

607
00:28:35,295 --> 00:28:38,621
I told him, a lot of my friends think I'm gay.

608
00:28:38,663 --> 00:28:39,637
It's probably because

609
00:28:39,679 --> 00:28:42,746
I wear tight clothes and I love theater.

610
00:28:42,788 --> 00:28:44,541
I've never wondered if I am gay,

611
00:28:44,583 --> 00:28:46,818
but I have certainly tried to see if I am.

612
00:28:51,416 --> 00:28:53,914
I just get bogged down with people thinking I'm gay.

613
00:28:53,956 --> 00:28:55,873
So I want to make sure.

614
00:28:56,947 --> 00:29:00,590
The thing is, is that gay no longer means

615
00:29:00,632 --> 00:29:03,197
attracted to the same sex.

616
00:29:03,239 --> 00:29:07,455
It now means likes tight
clothes, theater and singing.

617
00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:10,035
And if that's the definition, then I can admit

618
00:29:10,077 --> 00:29:13,327
that yes, I am gay, but not homosexual.

619
00:29:24,671 --> 00:29:25,504
Final day.

620
00:29:27,230 --> 00:29:28,441
During the final performance,

621
00:29:28,483 --> 00:29:30,498
I was afraid I would mess up my lines.

622
00:29:30,540 --> 00:29:34,347
I didn't, because I let my lines come to me,

623
00:29:34,389 --> 00:29:36,639
"not me coming to my lines."

624
00:29:40,196 --> 00:29:43,859
I still don't know what that means, but

625
00:29:43,901 --> 00:29:46,238
"I've become so much from this camp.

626
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:50,601
I've gained patience and
friends. I've lost my clean mouth."

627
00:29:53,319 --> 00:29:55,319
Okay, so I'm pretty sure

628
00:29:57,620 --> 00:30:01,620
that at this camp I started swearing a lot more.

629
00:30:03,351 --> 00:30:05,869
Either that or I gave my counselor Matt Z a blow job.

630
00:30:05,911 --> 00:30:07,043
It's one of the two.

631
00:30:10,719 --> 00:30:13,819
"On my way home now, don't ask me how it happened,

632
00:30:13,861 --> 00:30:15,529
but this camp slipped through my hands,

633
00:30:15,571 --> 00:30:16,857
like hands full of sand.

634
00:30:20,089 --> 00:30:21,670
I made a new family, but this one will

635
00:30:21,712 --> 00:30:23,804
never be together again.

636
00:30:23,846 --> 00:30:27,502
I learned about Jewish
beliefs and culture from Amalia,

637
00:30:27,544 --> 00:30:29,406
and I learned about gay people from Matt.

638
00:30:32,362 --> 00:30:35,156
Our acting teacher even said I should go into acting.

639
00:30:35,198 --> 00:30:38,053
"But I'd have to work on both my voice and my movement."

640
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,354
The two elements of acting.

641
00:30:46,815 --> 00:30:50,543
"You know the feeling when
you know something for sure?"

642
00:30:50,585 --> 00:30:54,182
Well, I guess I do, if I'm asking myself,

643
00:30:54,224 --> 00:30:56,274
I am certain that theater is it for me.

644
00:30:56,316 --> 00:30:59,335
I love entertaining people
and role-playing others' lives.

645
00:30:59,377 --> 00:31:03,494
All I need is a chance and I can transform into anyone.

646
00:31:03,536 --> 00:31:05,040
I didn't cry today,

647
00:31:08,785 --> 00:31:10,381
but I will miss these people so much.

648
00:31:10,423 --> 00:31:14,669
And I had one of the best times of my entire life.

649
00:31:14,711 --> 00:31:17,444
When I grow up, I know what I want to be.

650
00:31:17,486 --> 00:31:19,431
But I don't just want to be an actor,

651
00:31:19,473 --> 00:31:23,101
I want to be an artist, yep, that's right.

652
00:31:23,143 --> 00:31:28,143
"An artist who paints on this
palette, we call the stage."

653
00:31:37,789 --> 00:31:42,706
Now imagine that that boy
would find out that he'd grow up,

654
00:31:44,365 --> 00:31:47,029
he'd moved to New York and he'd get to work in theater.

655
00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:50,572
And not only that, but he
would get to become colleagues

656
00:31:50,614 --> 00:31:52,850
with one of the great American playwrights,

657
00:31:52,892 --> 00:31:55,863
probably the most influential African American

658
00:31:55,905 --> 00:31:58,319
playwright in America.

659
00:31:58,361 --> 00:32:02,111
So I teach kids chess now, that's my day job.

660
00:32:03,095 --> 00:32:05,902
And I got an email from a new client,

661
00:32:05,944 --> 00:32:07,650
and I recognized her name

662
00:32:07,692 --> 00:32:10,684
because I studied her plays in college.

663
00:32:10,726 --> 00:32:12,155
She's won a Pulitzer Prize.

664
00:32:12,197 --> 00:32:14,063
She's been nominated for two more.

665
00:32:14,105 --> 00:32:16,213
Not only that, but the "New York Times" said

666
00:32:16,255 --> 00:32:19,409
that one of her plays is the best American play

667
00:32:19,451 --> 00:32:21,310
of the past 25 years.

668
00:32:21,352 --> 00:32:24,038
So I saw her signature and I thought, "Oh my gosh,"

669
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,101
she wanted her son to learn chess.

670
00:32:26,143 --> 00:32:28,390
So I show up to her door, and when she opens the door,

671
00:32:28,432 --> 00:32:29,973
I know exactly who it is

672
00:32:30,015 --> 00:32:32,601
'cause I've seen her picture on the inside of the plays

673
00:32:32,643 --> 00:32:34,757
that I read in college.

674
00:32:34,799 --> 00:32:36,026
So I'm looking for any chance

675
00:32:36,068 --> 00:32:38,093
I can talk to her about theater,

676
00:32:38,135 --> 00:32:41,266
talk to her about her process,
connect on a normal level.

677
00:32:41,308 --> 00:32:44,305
And I'd go week after week after week.

678
00:32:44,347 --> 00:32:46,477
And then one day after about a year of knowing her,

679
00:32:46,519 --> 00:32:49,238
I showed up and she opens the door

680
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,285
and she just starts telling me about this new play

681
00:32:51,327 --> 00:32:53,672
that she's working on for Broadway.

682
00:32:53,714 --> 00:32:54,645
And I'm over the moon.

683
00:32:54,687 --> 00:32:56,364
I'm asking her questions, she's answering them.

684
00:32:56,406 --> 00:32:58,224
Then she starts telling me about this script

685
00:32:58,266 --> 00:32:59,712
she's working on for HBO.

686
00:32:59,754 --> 00:33:01,064
She asked me what I do,

687
00:33:01,106 --> 00:33:02,751
and I'm like, I'm an actor, I'm a writer,

688
00:33:02,793 --> 00:33:03,682
I'm a comedian as well.

689
00:33:03,724 --> 00:33:05,135
She's asking me questions

690
00:33:05,177 --> 00:33:06,853
and we're just going back and forth.

691
00:33:06,895 --> 00:33:09,796
And in my head, I'm freaking out. I am over the moon.

692
00:33:09,838 --> 00:33:12,302
It's one of the highlights of my life.

693
00:33:12,344 --> 00:33:15,062
And then she says, Dylan, her son.

694
00:33:15,104 --> 00:33:20,018
She's like, "You know Dylan, I think he wants to be white."

695
00:33:20,060 --> 00:33:22,106
I was like, "What?"

696
00:33:22,148 --> 00:33:25,415
She's like, "I think Dylan wants to be white."

697
00:33:25,457 --> 00:33:28,847
And I was like, "Like when he grows up?"

698
00:33:30,836 --> 00:33:32,154
She was like, "What?"

699
00:33:32,196 --> 00:33:33,630
I was like, "I'm sorry, I'm confused.

700
00:33:33,672 --> 00:33:36,784
Like he wants to be white when he grows up?"

701
00:33:36,826 --> 00:33:38,172
And she said "No."

702
00:33:38,214 --> 00:33:40,717
And we turned, and Dylan was setting up all

703
00:33:40,759 --> 00:33:45,160
of the white chess pieces on the chess board.

704
00:33:46,796 --> 00:33:50,249
And I was like, "Yeah, that makes more sense.

705
00:33:50,291 --> 00:33:53,374
That why I come here to teach chess."

706
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,784
And I went and I sat down

707
00:33:56,826 --> 00:33:59,469
and right looking down at me, she had a giant poster

708
00:33:59,511 --> 00:34:02,928
of James Baldwin and his hand's like this

709
00:34:03,786 --> 00:34:06,221
was staring right at me, it was like he was just saying

710
00:34:06,263 --> 00:34:07,780
"Like, when he grows up?

711
00:34:07,822 --> 00:34:11,539
What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Kevin?"

712
00:34:14,065 --> 00:34:15,856
I'm not kidding, I've had nightmares

713
00:34:15,898 --> 00:34:18,802
where I just replay exactly the situation in my head

714
00:34:18,844 --> 00:34:20,323
and I wake up and I'm like, "Oh my gosh."

715
00:34:20,365 --> 00:34:21,932
Nope, happened in real life too.

716
00:34:21,974 --> 00:34:25,287
Dreaming and waking, this happened.

717
00:34:28,867 --> 00:34:30,397
This is absolutely humiliating,

718
00:34:30,439 --> 00:34:33,135
but we're actually working together on a project now.

719
00:34:33,177 --> 00:34:36,631
It's a play titled "The Racist Chess Teacher."

720
00:34:36,673 --> 00:34:39,173
So it's based on a true story.

721
00:34:45,315 --> 00:34:48,110
I went to church camp as well as theater camp.

722
00:34:48,152 --> 00:34:49,581
Yeah, I went to both camps.

723
00:34:49,623 --> 00:34:50,661
Does anyone want to guess

724
00:34:50,703 --> 00:34:52,763
which one was the dirtier camp.

725
00:34:52,805 --> 00:34:54,028
Church.

726
00:34:54,070 --> 00:34:56,853
You are correct. It was church camp.

727
00:34:56,895 --> 00:34:57,686
Yeah. - Yeah.

728
00:34:57,728 --> 00:34:59,640
I went to church camp and I remember

729
00:34:59,682 --> 00:35:01,526
on the very first day, in the same room,

730
00:35:01,568 --> 00:35:03,660
they split up all of the girls on this side,

731
00:35:03,702 --> 00:35:05,666
all of the boys on this side.

732
00:35:05,708 --> 00:35:09,059
And then they handed out
purity rings to all of the girls.

733
00:35:09,101 --> 00:35:11,479
And a purity ring, for those of you who don't know,

734
00:35:11,521 --> 00:35:15,241
it's a ring that girls put on their fingers

735
00:35:15,283 --> 00:35:16,332
instead of their wedding ring.

736
00:35:16,374 --> 00:35:19,514
And they're supposed to
save themselves for marriage

737
00:35:19,556 --> 00:35:21,453
and make sure that they're pure.

738
00:35:21,495 --> 00:35:23,576
And all of the guys, while that happened,

739
00:35:23,618 --> 00:35:24,819
were just supposed to talk about

740
00:35:24,861 --> 00:35:26,511
what they wanted to pray about.

741
00:35:26,553 --> 00:35:27,872
So I'm with this kid, Curtis,

742
00:35:27,914 --> 00:35:29,825
and I was like, "What do you wanna pray about?"

743
00:35:29,867 --> 00:35:31,566
And he's like, "I don't wanna pray.

744
00:35:31,608 --> 00:35:33,593
I just fingered Andrea McDowell."

745
00:35:36,348 --> 00:35:37,653
And I was like, "Cool."

746
00:35:37,695 --> 00:35:40,967
We are at totally different camps right now.

747
00:35:41,009 --> 00:35:43,597
I wanna know what camp you are at, okay?

748
00:35:43,639 --> 00:35:47,277
So once there was a break,
Curtis went and found Andrea.

749
00:35:47,319 --> 00:35:51,062
Andrea had a friend named
Kate. So me and Kate are talking.

750
00:35:51,104 --> 00:35:53,450
And then when there's no parents around

751
00:35:53,492 --> 00:35:56,770
me and Kate went off and went over by this lake,

752
00:35:56,812 --> 00:35:58,570
and we're sitting there and we're talking,

753
00:35:58,612 --> 00:36:02,069
and she looks at me and she was like,

754
00:36:02,111 --> 00:36:04,856
"I want to give you a hand job."

755
00:36:04,898 --> 00:36:09,231
And I was like, "Ah, but you have on a purity ring."

756
00:36:11,981 --> 00:36:15,139
And she looked at me and she just said, "Not anymore."

757
00:36:16,649 --> 00:36:21,146
Hottest thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

758
00:36:21,188 --> 00:36:23,599
Even to this day I think about it, I get trembles

759
00:36:23,641 --> 00:36:25,358
I'm just like, "Not anymore.

760
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,942
Oh my gosh, Kate, you're too much."

761
00:36:28,984 --> 00:36:31,239
I wanted to hang out with Kate again.

762
00:36:31,281 --> 00:36:33,069
So I go home from church camp

763
00:36:33,111 --> 00:36:34,970
and I tell my parents, I met this girl named Kate.

764
00:36:35,012 --> 00:36:36,735
Can she come over sometime?

765
00:36:36,777 --> 00:36:38,247
And they're like, "Yeah, what are you guys gonna do?"

766
00:36:38,289 --> 00:36:40,174
And I couldn't say what we're gonna do,

767
00:36:40,216 --> 00:36:41,569
so I just had to make it up on the spot.

768
00:36:41,611 --> 00:36:44,150
I'm like, "We're gonna watch 'Rain Man.'"

769
00:36:44,192 --> 00:36:46,593
'Cause I saw a VHS of "Rain Man" in her living room.

770
00:36:46,635 --> 00:36:47,795
My parents get so excited, like,

771
00:36:47,837 --> 00:36:49,484
"Oh my gosh, it's such a good movie.

772
00:36:49,526 --> 00:36:52,258
Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman, best picture."

773
00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:55,048
So they make popcorn and Kate comes over

774
00:36:55,090 --> 00:36:56,804
and they're like, "Are you guys excited to see the movie?"

775
00:36:56,846 --> 00:36:57,966
We're like, "So excited."

776
00:36:58,008 --> 00:37:01,325
We go in the basement, we turn on the movie,

777
00:37:01,367 --> 00:37:05,240
and then the FBI warning isn't even off the screen yet.

778
00:37:05,282 --> 00:37:06,163
The credits aren't even done.

779
00:37:06,205 --> 00:37:08,290
We're like,

780
00:37:08,332 --> 00:37:10,970
just furiously making out.

781
00:37:11,012 --> 00:37:13,581
And I'm waiting for Kate to give the go ahead.

782
00:37:13,623 --> 00:37:14,636
And she doesn't, she just looks at me

783
00:37:14,678 --> 00:37:16,007
and she's like, "Kevin?" I was like, "Yeah?"

784
00:37:16,049 --> 00:37:19,834
She said, "I want you to put a finger in my vagina."

785
00:37:22,076 --> 00:37:23,865
And I was like, "What?"

786
00:37:23,907 --> 00:37:26,524
Now I'd never done that.

787
00:37:26,566 --> 00:37:30,066
So I followed her directions to the letter

788
00:37:31,736 --> 00:37:35,986
and I put one finger in her vagina and that was it.

789
00:37:38,885 --> 00:37:41,591
I just looked at her, it was like I set an egg timer

790
00:37:41,633 --> 00:37:44,618
and was waiting for my finger to prune, I don't know.

791
00:37:44,660 --> 00:37:47,219
I was like, Dr. Melinda Schatowitz that says like,

792
00:37:47,261 --> 00:37:49,921
"Kate, this isn't weird. This isn't weird.

793
00:37:49,963 --> 00:37:51,707
This is totally normal."

794
00:37:54,300 --> 00:37:57,033
All right, we heard something up at the steps.

795
00:37:57,075 --> 00:37:59,322
And we went back, we quick. We're like, oh no, okay.

796
00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:02,216
So we're sitting there and
then my parents came back down

797
00:38:02,258 --> 00:38:03,712
like, "Hey, are you guys enjoying the movie?"

798
00:38:03,754 --> 00:38:05,013
We're like, "Yeah, yeah."

799
00:38:05,055 --> 00:38:06,031
They're like, "Oh, what party are you at?"

800
00:38:06,073 --> 00:38:09,906
We're like, "Ah, the rain hasn't happened yet.

801
00:38:11,103 --> 00:38:13,114
I don't think."

802
00:38:13,156 --> 00:38:14,818
They're like, "Okay, do you need any more popcorn?"

803
00:38:14,860 --> 00:38:16,728
We're like, "No, we're fine."

804
00:38:16,770 --> 00:38:19,621
So they go back upstairs, we didn't get caught.

805
00:38:19,663 --> 00:38:22,719
And I was like, "Phew, okay."

806
00:38:22,761 --> 00:38:23,878
So we're sitting there,

807
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:25,315
we're about to start making out again.

808
00:38:25,357 --> 00:38:27,251
And right before we do,

809
00:38:27,293 --> 00:38:28,636
I hear someone at the top of the steps.

810
00:38:28,678 --> 00:38:33,403
It's my mom and my dad like, "Kevin upstairs now!"

811
00:38:33,445 --> 00:38:35,700
I was like, "I'll be right back."

812
00:38:35,742 --> 00:38:38,862
And I walked upstairs, both my parents are there,

813
00:38:38,904 --> 00:38:39,710
and they were both furious.

814
00:38:39,752 --> 00:38:41,683
They were like, "Kevin, what are you doing?"

815
00:38:41,725 --> 00:38:43,043
And I was like, "I'm sorry."

816
00:38:43,085 --> 00:38:45,619
My mom was like, " Kevin, what are you doing?"

817
00:38:45,661 --> 00:38:48,174
And I she's like, "You gotta move your finger

818
00:38:48,216 --> 00:38:49,761
back and forth, okay?

819
00:38:49,803 --> 00:38:51,453
She's getting nothing out of this."

820
00:38:54,368 --> 00:38:57,701
Now my mom came and saw this show, once,

821
00:39:00,885 --> 00:39:02,283
and from the back she said,

822
00:39:02,325 --> 00:39:06,235
"I did not say that. That is not true."

823
00:39:09,215 --> 00:39:10,711
And I liked picking on my mom, so I was like,

824
00:39:10,753 --> 00:39:12,322
"Guys, she didn't say it. She didn't say it.

825
00:39:12,364 --> 00:39:15,241
She said, you may need to work the clit a little bit.

826
00:39:15,283 --> 00:39:18,310
Not all girls get off from penetration.

827
00:39:18,352 --> 00:39:20,211
Can you believe she said that?"

828
00:39:25,374 --> 00:39:27,707
Can you guys believe that my mom is sitting

829
00:39:27,749 --> 00:39:29,084
right here? - Yeah.

830
00:39:29,126 --> 00:39:31,666
And that she said that to me.

831
00:39:31,708 --> 00:39:33,496
Go Mom! - She taught me

832
00:39:33,538 --> 00:39:36,276
about the female orgasm at age 13.

833
00:39:39,894 --> 00:39:42,394
So, when I was in sixth grade,

834
00:39:44,515 --> 00:39:45,818
that's when everyone in our town

835
00:39:45,860 --> 00:39:49,758
went from the elementary
schools into the middle school.

836
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:53,671
And so that is when all of the new groups formed.

837
00:39:53,713 --> 00:39:56,271
And I found myself in the cool group,

838
00:39:56,313 --> 00:39:57,233
which was very exciting.

839
00:39:57,275 --> 00:39:58,254
I knew I was in the cool group

840
00:39:58,296 --> 00:40:00,945
'cause I started getting invited to sleepovers.

841
00:40:00,987 --> 00:40:03,685
And the first sleepover that I went to

842
00:40:03,727 --> 00:40:05,217
was over at Kenny's house,

843
00:40:05,259 --> 00:40:07,104
and there was about six guys there.

844
00:40:07,146 --> 00:40:09,024
And we were gonna play video games

845
00:40:09,066 --> 00:40:11,655
and we were gonna watch movies, I was very excited.

846
00:40:11,697 --> 00:40:12,963
So we got over to Kenny's

847
00:40:13,005 --> 00:40:14,674
and we were gonna play Nintendo 64.

848
00:40:14,716 --> 00:40:17,928
We were gonna play "Mario Kart," okay?

849
00:40:17,970 --> 00:40:22,637
And then the mom rented us a movie and it was "Titanic."

850
00:40:24,358 --> 00:40:26,441
So she puts the movie in,

851
00:40:27,439 --> 00:40:29,964
she goes upstairs and she's like, "Have fun."

852
00:40:30,006 --> 00:40:32,773
We're sitting there, "Titanic" is the worst,

853
00:40:32,815 --> 00:40:36,447
most boring movie for a bunch
of sixth grade boys to watch.

854
00:40:36,489 --> 00:40:38,937
It's historical and it's a stupid love story.

855
00:40:38,979 --> 00:40:41,275
And we're sitting there bored out of our minds,

856
00:40:41,317 --> 00:40:42,251
like all six of us.

857
00:40:42,293 --> 00:40:46,626
And then at about one hour, minute 22, second eight,

858
00:40:51,825 --> 00:40:56,075
Kate Winslet takes off of her top and we saw boobs.

859
00:40:58,405 --> 00:41:01,142
So we're sitting there and no one says a word.

860
00:41:01,184 --> 00:41:04,101
We're just like, "That is awesome."

861
00:41:07,378 --> 00:41:10,689
And one of the boys, Billy, gets up and he goes

862
00:41:10,731 --> 00:41:15,490
and he pauses it and he goes back and he sits down.

863
00:41:15,532 --> 00:41:16,778
And none of us said a word.

864
00:41:16,820 --> 00:41:19,798
We just sat there and looked at him.

865
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:20,960
And we each had our own blanket.

866
00:41:21,002 --> 00:41:25,564
We took our own blanket, we
put our hands under the blanket.

867
00:41:25,606 --> 00:41:29,523
And we had the time of our life with ourselves.

868
00:41:31,294 --> 00:41:33,827
We just were going to town.

869
00:41:33,869 --> 00:41:36,288
It was just the boys and Kate.

870
00:41:36,330 --> 00:41:38,344
It was like our first date.

871
00:41:42,115 --> 00:41:45,225
And then the dynamic switches,

872
00:41:45,267 --> 00:41:48,064
when the first boy finishes, gets up,

873
00:41:48,106 --> 00:41:49,294
goes and washes his hands

874
00:41:49,336 --> 00:41:52,354
and goes downstairs to play Mario Kart.

875
00:41:52,396 --> 00:41:55,116
There are five of us sitting there.

876
00:41:55,158 --> 00:41:58,072
And there's only four controllers on Nintendo 64.

877
00:41:58,114 --> 00:41:59,225
So there are only three left.

878
00:41:59,267 --> 00:42:01,402
So there's five of us not saying anything,

879
00:42:01,444 --> 00:42:04,232
but knowing there's kind of a competitive element,

880
00:42:04,274 --> 00:42:06,371
the next three boys that finish

881
00:42:06,413 --> 00:42:11,250
are gonna get to play "Mario Kart" the whole night.

882
00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,838
And I wanted to be Wario who's one of the fastest.

883
00:42:18,070 --> 00:42:22,056
What I find crazy about that, is it 1000% happened.

884
00:42:22,098 --> 00:42:25,127
No one said anything during, after,

885
00:42:25,169 --> 00:42:27,761
it was like, "Never speak of this again."

886
00:42:27,803 --> 00:42:30,085
So I always imagine running into Billy again.

887
00:42:30,127 --> 00:42:31,740
And he like has a wife, and he's like,

888
00:42:31,782 --> 00:42:33,850
"Oh, hey, this is Kevin,

889
00:42:33,892 --> 00:42:35,177
we were on the basketball team together."

890
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:38,358
And I'm like, "And we jerked off to Titanic together.

891
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:39,191
Remember?"

892
00:42:40,439 --> 00:42:42,380
He's like, "This is my wife."

893
00:42:49,577 --> 00:42:54,339
His name was if anybody's interested,

894
00:42:54,381 --> 00:42:56,962
we're gonna bleep that out.

895
00:42:57,004 --> 00:43:01,209
So the other way that I knew
that I was in the cool group

896
00:43:01,251 --> 00:43:03,125
is because we picked on other kids.

897
00:43:03,167 --> 00:43:06,113
Now, I didn't usually pick on kids.

898
00:43:06,155 --> 00:43:09,024
The leaders were Chad and Kenny.

899
00:43:09,066 --> 00:43:10,984
And they'd just walk around
school and they'd just like,

900
00:43:11,026 --> 00:43:15,234
"You're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay as well."

901
00:43:15,276 --> 00:43:16,285
That's all they would do.

902
00:43:16,327 --> 00:43:19,243
Anybody who was any different in any way

903
00:43:19,285 --> 00:43:21,613
or showed a personality in any way, were different,

904
00:43:21,655 --> 00:43:22,774
"You're gay."

905
00:43:22,816 --> 00:43:24,672
Now, I was the funny kid of the group,

906
00:43:24,714 --> 00:43:27,888
so I needed to make Chad and Kenny laugh.

907
00:43:27,930 --> 00:43:28,944
And so I would think of other

908
00:43:28,986 --> 00:43:30,195
creative ways to make them laugh.

909
00:43:30,237 --> 00:43:33,589
Like there's a kid named Jason and he was kind of goth.

910
00:43:33,631 --> 00:43:37,548
And so I spread a rumor that Jason killed dogs.

911
00:43:38,922 --> 00:43:41,363
And so whenever Jason would walk past, I'd be like,

912
00:43:41,405 --> 00:43:43,916
"Hey Jason, have you killed any dogs lately?"

913
00:43:43,958 --> 00:43:47,279
And Chad and Kenny thought this was hilarious.

914
00:43:47,321 --> 00:43:49,520
Now there was this other kid named Ian,

915
00:43:49,562 --> 00:43:51,372
and Ian was like kind of awkward,

916
00:43:51,414 --> 00:43:52,699
a computer programmer type.

917
00:43:52,741 --> 00:43:54,493
And in study hall, I'd sit next to Ian

918
00:43:54,535 --> 00:43:55,527
and I would just say,

919
00:43:55,569 --> 00:43:59,402
"Hey Ian, hey Ian, hey Ian, hey Ian, hey Ian."

920
00:44:02,814 --> 00:44:05,177
And he would say, "Stop saying, hey Ian!"

921
00:44:05,219 --> 00:44:06,799
And then he would get in trouble.

922
00:44:08,710 --> 00:44:09,710
Pretty good.

923
00:44:11,945 --> 00:44:15,636
Now we were the cool group and it was so much fun.

924
00:44:15,678 --> 00:44:16,762
I loved being part of this group.

925
00:44:16,804 --> 00:44:19,567
And then a new kid joined our group, his name was Kyle.

926
00:44:19,609 --> 00:44:21,044
He was also a funny kid.

927
00:44:21,086 --> 00:44:26,086
But his sense of humor, it was past what I was used to.

928
00:44:26,382 --> 00:44:27,747
I was a church kid growing up.

929
00:44:27,789 --> 00:44:29,823
I could not have had the sense of humor that he had.

930
00:44:29,865 --> 00:44:34,697
I remember one time in
science class with Mrs. Stevens,

931
00:44:34,739 --> 00:44:36,650
she was asking us about memory.

932
00:44:36,692 --> 00:44:38,746
She was like, "Hey, does anybody here

933
00:44:38,788 --> 00:44:41,194
have their first memory and wanna share it?"

934
00:44:41,236 --> 00:44:43,222
And Kyle was like, "Yeah, I remember

935
00:44:43,264 --> 00:44:46,063
coming out of my mom's vagina and seeing a giant bush.

936
00:44:46,105 --> 00:44:47,877
All right, I'm gonna, the principal's office."

937
00:44:47,919 --> 00:44:50,159
Just walked himself out.

938
00:44:50,201 --> 00:44:53,857
We were like, "You can do that? That's insane."

939
00:44:53,899 --> 00:44:58,165
All right, so we go to Mr. Clegg's class for Health,

940
00:44:58,207 --> 00:44:59,585
and it's just the boys and we can ask

941
00:44:59,627 --> 00:45:01,710
any question about what's going on,

942
00:45:01,752 --> 00:45:04,136
if we have any questions, he'll answer them.

943
00:45:04,178 --> 00:45:07,012
This one kid, he is like, "I'm growing like weird hairs."

944
00:45:07,054 --> 00:45:09,683
And he's like, "It's not weird, it's totally normal.

945
00:45:09,725 --> 00:45:11,481
Where are they? And he's like, "Like in my armpits."

946
00:45:11,523 --> 00:45:12,933
He's like, "That's totally normal.

947
00:45:12,975 --> 00:45:14,609
Armpit hair's completely normal."

948
00:45:14,651 --> 00:45:17,936
Another kid's, like, "Like on my privates."

949
00:45:17,978 --> 00:45:18,811
He's yes.

950
00:45:20,770 --> 00:45:21,871
Oh no. - All right.

951
00:45:21,913 --> 00:45:23,810
Hello. Here we go.

952
00:45:23,852 --> 00:45:25,950
You guys can't get worried about that type of stuff

953
00:45:25,992 --> 00:45:29,311
'cause we can edit that stuff
out 'cause it's professional.

954
00:45:29,353 --> 00:45:32,601
You know what I mean? Round
of applause for the film crew.

955
00:45:35,384 --> 00:45:37,592
Round of applause for yourselves

956
00:45:40,364 --> 00:45:41,858
and for being such a smooth audience

957
00:45:41,900 --> 00:45:45,233
to let me just slip back into the story.

958
00:45:47,036 --> 00:45:48,203
All right, so.

959
00:45:52,465 --> 00:45:53,423
The cops are coming?

960
00:45:54,432 --> 00:45:57,390
"Hey, where's the sound person, they fuck up?"

961
00:45:59,955 --> 00:46:04,172
I'm totally kidding, the comedy special police.

962
00:46:04,214 --> 00:46:07,282
All right, so we're backing up, ready?

963
00:46:07,324 --> 00:46:10,522
So this one kid's like, "Like on my privates."

964
00:46:10,564 --> 00:46:12,161
He's like, "Yes, that is called pubic hair.

965
00:46:12,203 --> 00:46:14,442
That is completely normal."

966
00:46:14,484 --> 00:46:16,216
Kyle in the back of the room, he is like, "Mr. Clegg?"

967
00:46:16,258 --> 00:46:17,049
He's like, "Yeah?", he's like,

968
00:46:17,091 --> 00:46:18,690
"Do you have hair on your butt hole?"

969
00:46:18,732 --> 00:46:22,388
Mr. Clegg's like, "Class dismissed, class over.

970
00:46:22,430 --> 00:46:24,478
You can't ask that."

971
00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:25,725
Mr. Clegg looked uncomfortable

972
00:46:25,767 --> 00:46:29,354
so clearly he had hair on his butt hole

973
00:46:29,396 --> 00:46:32,204
and it just made him feel a little uncomfortable.

974
00:46:32,246 --> 00:46:33,037
I could relate,

975
00:46:33,079 --> 00:46:36,829
'cause I started growing hair on my butt hole

976
00:46:38,161 --> 00:46:39,578
at that same age.

977
00:46:41,223 --> 00:46:43,471
Yeah, it was weird 'cause it started to itch.

978
00:46:43,513 --> 00:46:45,399
And I did like a math equation in my head.

979
00:46:45,441 --> 00:46:48,702
I said, no hair on my butt hole, it doesn't itch.

980
00:46:48,744 --> 00:46:51,647
We added hair to my butt hole now it itches.

981
00:46:51,689 --> 00:46:55,606
We need to subtract the hair from my butt hole.

982
00:46:56,889 --> 00:47:01,139
So I went home and I took my dad's disposable razor

983
00:47:02,147 --> 00:47:06,147
and his shaving cream and I shaved my butt hole.

984
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:08,586
And I'm here to tell you guys,

985
00:47:08,628 --> 00:47:11,634
it made things exponentially worse.

986
00:47:13,364 --> 00:47:16,008
It did not solve the itching problem.

987
00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:17,094
I went to school the next day

988
00:47:17,136 --> 00:47:20,037
and I was like, "Holy shit, why did I do this?"

989
00:47:20,079 --> 00:47:21,235
And I had no one to talk to about,

990
00:47:21,277 --> 00:47:23,517
I was like, "This was a horrible mistake."

991
00:47:23,559 --> 00:47:25,429
So we get to the lunch table

992
00:47:25,471 --> 00:47:27,244
and my lunch table with the cool kids

993
00:47:27,286 --> 00:47:28,855
was a place where we could talk about anything.

994
00:47:28,897 --> 00:47:31,344
We can talk about all kinds of weird stuff.

995
00:47:31,386 --> 00:47:34,064
And the talk topic of today,
this one kid was bringing up

996
00:47:34,106 --> 00:47:36,715
how hot his cousin was.

997
00:47:36,757 --> 00:47:38,495
And it opened up a great conversation

998
00:47:38,537 --> 00:47:42,675
with all the rest of us about how hot our cousins were.

999
00:47:42,717 --> 00:47:44,608
And if anybody thinks that's weird

1000
00:47:44,650 --> 00:47:46,500
sorry that your aunts and your uncles

1001
00:47:46,542 --> 00:47:48,340
created such ugly children.

1002
00:47:48,382 --> 00:47:51,245
But at this table we had hot cousins

1003
00:47:51,287 --> 00:47:53,603
and we were excited for Thanksgiving to get in there

1004
00:47:53,645 --> 00:47:58,280
and give a big hug and be just like Kate Winslet baby.

1005
00:48:00,293 --> 00:48:04,043
So after this dies down, this one kid, Chris,

1006
00:48:05,330 --> 00:48:08,819
was like, guys, "I got something crazy.

1007
00:48:08,861 --> 00:48:13,063
I'm actually growing hair on my butt hole."

1008
00:48:13,105 --> 00:48:14,870
And it's complete silence.

1009
00:48:14,912 --> 00:48:18,463
And then Kyle looks at him and he's like,

1010
00:48:18,505 --> 00:48:21,755
"That's your name now, Butt Hole Hair."

1011
00:48:22,734 --> 00:48:23,525
He's like, "What?"

1012
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:26,723
And he's like, "You're Butt Hole Hair now, got it?"

1013
00:48:26,765 --> 00:48:27,681
And then two kids were like,

1014
00:48:27,723 --> 00:48:30,065
"Butt Hole Hair, Butt Hole Hair."

1015
00:48:30,107 --> 00:48:32,384
And then like another kid, they're like, "Butt Hole Hair."

1016
00:48:32,426 --> 00:48:34,687
Then all of a sudden, the entire lunch table

1017
00:48:34,729 --> 00:48:37,585
is just chanting Butt Hole Hair, except for Chris

1018
00:48:37,627 --> 00:48:38,429
who looks terrified.

1019
00:48:38,471 --> 00:48:40,707
And me, I'm sitting there 'cause I don't want to join in

1020
00:48:40,749 --> 00:48:43,332
'cause it wouldn't be honest for me to make fun of Chris

1021
00:48:43,374 --> 00:48:44,544
for having butt hole hair.

1022
00:48:44,586 --> 00:48:47,709
And earlier in history class,
we talked about the Holocaust

1023
00:48:47,751 --> 00:48:50,104
and we talked about the banality of evil,

1024
00:48:50,146 --> 00:48:52,528
how evil comes from the most dull moments.

1025
00:48:52,570 --> 00:48:55,212
And I said, if I don't stand up now and stand up for Chris,

1026
00:48:55,254 --> 00:48:58,395
this will be basically Chris's
middle school Holocaust.

1027
00:48:58,437 --> 00:48:59,806
I know that seems dramatic,

1028
00:48:59,848 --> 00:49:01,800
but I was a very dramatic boy, okay?

1029
00:49:03,264 --> 00:49:07,950
And I was like, "Hold on a second!" And it was quiet.

1030
00:49:07,992 --> 00:49:11,909
I said, "Chris, I got hair in my butt hole too."

1031
00:49:14,997 --> 00:49:18,443
At least I did until last night.

1032
00:49:18,485 --> 00:49:21,152
And I just gotta tell you, whatever you do,

1033
00:49:21,194 --> 00:49:22,476
do not shave your butt hole.

1034
00:49:22,518 --> 00:49:24,784
"It'll make things so much worse."

1035
00:49:27,154 --> 00:49:32,071
And you know, the first person
to talk after that was Kyle,

1036
00:49:33,399 --> 00:49:36,154
who started the butt hole hair chant.

1037
00:49:36,196 --> 00:49:39,184
He said, "Yeah, I'm going here on my butt hole too.

1038
00:49:39,226 --> 00:49:41,165
It's pretty weird."

1039
00:49:41,207 --> 00:49:43,139
Isn't that the human experience right there?

1040
00:49:43,181 --> 00:49:46,172
He was acting out. He felt
uncomfortable with who he was.

1041
00:49:46,214 --> 00:49:47,767
And so we picked on somebody else,

1042
00:49:47,809 --> 00:49:49,519
even though they were both the same.

1043
00:49:49,561 --> 00:49:52,355
And we all started talking
about even more weird stuff.

1044
00:49:52,397 --> 00:49:55,921
And I left and I was like, what a great lunch table.

1045
00:49:55,963 --> 00:49:58,194
And I went back the next day

1046
00:49:58,236 --> 00:50:01,259
and I walked up with my lunch tray or our lunch table,

1047
00:50:01,301 --> 00:50:04,174
and Kyle says, "You don't sit here anymore."

1048
00:50:04,216 --> 00:50:05,007
I was like, "What?"

1049
00:50:05,049 --> 00:50:07,771
And he's like, "You're butt hole hair now."

1050
00:50:07,813 --> 00:50:09,165
I was like, "What?"

1051
00:50:09,207 --> 00:50:11,992
He's like, "Sit somewhere else, Butt Hole Hair."

1052
00:50:12,034 --> 00:50:15,475
I sat at like the second coolest kid's table,

1053
00:50:15,517 --> 00:50:19,704
and then the next day, like
the third coolest kids' table.

1054
00:50:19,746 --> 00:50:22,525
And then from Monday until Friday,

1055
00:50:22,567 --> 00:50:25,361
I went from sitting with the cool kids

1056
00:50:25,403 --> 00:50:29,241
until I was sitting at a table with two people,

1057
00:50:29,283 --> 00:50:32,950
goth Jason and Ian of the hit joke, hey Ian.

1058
00:50:41,139 --> 00:50:42,066
And then it was the weekend

1059
00:50:42,108 --> 00:50:43,820
and I thought maybe things would reset.

1060
00:50:43,862 --> 00:50:46,959
I thought maybe this nightmare will be over

1061
00:50:47,001 --> 00:50:48,375
and I'll sit back at the cool kids' table.

1062
00:50:48,417 --> 00:50:51,538
And I walked into the lunchroom

1063
00:50:51,580 --> 00:50:53,162
and I walked past the cool kids' table

1064
00:50:53,204 --> 00:50:54,354
and I heard them saying my name.

1065
00:50:54,396 --> 00:50:56,571
But I kept on walking and then it got louder.

1066
00:50:56,613 --> 00:50:59,250
And so I stopped and I turned around

1067
00:50:59,292 --> 00:51:00,397
and I started walking towards 'em.

1068
00:51:00,439 --> 00:51:03,107
And I realized that it was Kyle leading to chant

1069
00:51:03,149 --> 00:51:05,423
that the entire table, they were saying,

1070
00:51:05,465 --> 00:51:09,715
"Kevin's gay all the way, Kevin's gay all the way."

1071
00:51:12,127 --> 00:51:13,998
And all of the tables joined in

1072
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:15,827
until the entire lunchroom was saying,

1073
00:51:15,869 --> 00:51:18,036
"Kevin's gay all the way."

1074
00:51:22,481 --> 00:51:24,314
And still to this day,

1075
00:51:26,402 --> 00:51:29,335
it just shocks me that the
teachers joined in, you know?

1076
00:51:32,065 --> 00:51:35,148
I just find that a bit inappropriate.

1077
00:51:37,332 --> 00:51:38,861
But I was keeping a journal

1078
00:51:38,903 --> 00:51:40,420
at that point in my life as well.

1079
00:51:50,330 --> 00:51:52,330
"Welp Journal, it's me."

1080
00:51:54,504 --> 00:51:58,998
Nothing good happens after someone says Welp.

1081
00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:01,273
"Welp Journal, it's me."

1082
00:52:01,315 --> 00:52:04,477
School sucks. It isn't fun with friends.

1083
00:52:04,519 --> 00:52:07,796
So you can imagine how bad
it is when you have no friends,

1084
00:52:07,838 --> 00:52:09,005
no fun at all.

1085
00:52:09,899 --> 00:52:13,897
I hate homework. Plus everyone makes fun of me.

1086
00:52:13,939 --> 00:52:16,221
I do have a few friends not from school,

1087
00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:17,973
they are named Mom and Dad.

1088
00:52:21,606 --> 00:52:23,939
Ha ha, okay, that was funny.

1089
00:52:25,988 --> 00:52:26,779
Time for bed

1090
00:52:26,821 --> 00:52:29,554
"so I can wake up and have another horrible day."

1091
00:52:37,616 --> 00:52:39,324
I had to find new routes around the school

1092
00:52:39,366 --> 00:52:41,942
so that I didn't pass any of the cool kids anymore.

1093
00:52:41,984 --> 00:52:44,364
I knew exactly where they were at every moment.

1094
00:52:44,406 --> 00:52:46,103
And one day I forgot my homework

1095
00:52:46,145 --> 00:52:47,821
and I had to go to my locker.

1096
00:52:47,863 --> 00:52:50,229
And I knew that if I wasn't gone in the next 30 seconds,

1097
00:52:50,271 --> 00:52:51,973
Kyle was gonna be right behind me.

1098
00:52:52,015 --> 00:52:53,769
And I was fiddling with my combination.

1099
00:52:53,811 --> 00:52:54,835
And then all of a sudden I heard

1100
00:52:54,877 --> 00:52:56,933
from behind me, "Hey Doyle."

1101
00:52:56,975 --> 00:52:58,375
And I was like, just keep your head down.

1102
00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:01,013
Don't say anything. And he said, "Hey Doyle."

1103
00:53:01,055 --> 00:53:02,866
And I was like, just get your homework and leave.

1104
00:53:02,908 --> 00:53:04,250
And he said, "Hey Doyle."

1105
00:53:04,292 --> 00:53:05,974
And I turned around and I said, "What?"

1106
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:08,020
And right as I said that a giant glob of spit

1107
00:53:08,062 --> 00:53:10,895
came and hit me right in the face.

1108
00:53:12,004 --> 00:53:15,809
And I said, don't react. And then I said, fuck it.

1109
00:53:15,851 --> 00:53:18,154
And I went and I punched him in the face.

1110
00:53:22,753 --> 00:53:25,392
And there was a principal who was standing there

1111
00:53:25,434 --> 00:53:26,272
right when it happened.

1112
00:53:26,314 --> 00:53:30,215
And he said, "You two, my office, now!"

1113
00:53:30,257 --> 00:53:32,091
Now it's important for the story that you know

1114
00:53:32,133 --> 00:53:36,192
that this principal's name was Mr. Yankoff.

1115
00:53:39,005 --> 00:53:40,838
This is his real name.

1116
00:53:42,475 --> 00:53:43,774
And there are people that tell me

1117
00:53:43,816 --> 00:53:47,341
that it's pronounced Yankoff,
but we did not call him that

1118
00:53:47,383 --> 00:53:49,162
we called him Mr. Yankoff.

1119
00:53:49,204 --> 00:53:51,640
Actually learned that a lot of people's last names

1120
00:53:51,682 --> 00:53:53,909
come from their role in the community.

1121
00:53:53,951 --> 00:53:57,279
So if you are last name is Smith, you were a blacksmith.

1122
00:53:57,321 --> 00:53:58,498
If your last name is Carpenter,

1123
00:53:58,540 --> 00:53:59,708
your family were the carpenters.

1124
00:53:59,750 --> 00:54:04,140
Well, the Yankoffs absolute
perverts. I mean disgusting.

1125
00:54:04,182 --> 00:54:06,092
I mean I enjoy it as much as the next guy,

1126
00:54:06,134 --> 00:54:08,618
but for that to be your role in the community.

1127
00:54:10,767 --> 00:54:15,000
Now Kyle would always make
sure to express his last name.

1128
00:54:15,042 --> 00:54:17,442
He would always sound it. He like, "Yeah, Mr. Yankoff?"

1129
00:54:17,484 --> 00:54:19,829
And Mr. Yankoff couldn't express it back.

1130
00:54:19,871 --> 00:54:21,433
He couldn't say, "Don't say that."

1131
00:54:21,475 --> 00:54:22,970
'Cause he knew that it would open himself

1132
00:54:23,012 --> 00:54:24,715
being made fun of even more, okay?

1133
00:54:24,757 --> 00:54:26,530
But you could tell it always annoyed him.

1134
00:54:26,572 --> 00:54:29,093
And so we got to his office and he's sitting there

1135
00:54:29,135 --> 00:54:31,557
and he's like, "Both of you, Kyle,

1136
00:54:31,599 --> 00:54:34,527
you are suspended for five days, got it?"

1137
00:54:34,569 --> 00:54:37,245
And he's like, "Yeah, thanks Mr. Yankoff."

1138
00:54:37,287 --> 00:54:39,847
And he walked out. He said, "Kevin."

1139
00:54:39,889 --> 00:54:43,462
And I was like, "Yeah." He said, "Thank you.

1140
00:54:43,504 --> 00:54:44,507
I've been wanting to punch

1141
00:54:44,549 --> 00:54:47,984
"that fucking kid in the face all year."

1142
00:54:48,026 --> 00:54:49,096
I was like, "So I'm not in trouble?"

1143
00:54:49,138 --> 00:54:51,516
He is like, "Five days you're suspended.

1144
00:54:51,558 --> 00:54:53,667
You can't use violence to solve your problems."

1145
00:54:58,121 --> 00:55:02,301
So I didn't have any friends for months and months.

1146
00:55:02,343 --> 00:55:03,968
And I remember I was going to science class

1147
00:55:04,010 --> 00:55:05,722
with a teacher named Mr. Pepper.

1148
00:55:05,764 --> 00:55:07,887
Now Mr. Pepper, he didn't like

1149
00:55:07,929 --> 00:55:09,501
anyone having fun in his class.

1150
00:55:09,543 --> 00:55:11,218
He didn't like people becoming friends.

1151
00:55:11,260 --> 00:55:12,051
And I know that

1152
00:55:12,093 --> 00:55:13,419
because he would always move everyone around.

1153
00:55:13,461 --> 00:55:14,858
If you ever started talking to someone

1154
00:55:14,900 --> 00:55:17,964
and starting a friendship with
them, he would separate you

1155
00:55:18,006 --> 00:55:19,696
and put you in a separate place.

1156
00:55:19,738 --> 00:55:21,748
And he moved everyone around.

1157
00:55:21,790 --> 00:55:25,649
And I ended up in the back next to goth Jason and me.

1158
00:55:25,691 --> 00:55:27,007
We were sitting back here

1159
00:55:27,049 --> 00:55:29,360
and we just happened to be sitting next to each other

1160
00:55:29,402 --> 00:55:30,470
on a very fateful day.

1161
00:55:30,512 --> 00:55:32,661
It was the day that the funniest thing

1162
00:55:32,703 --> 00:55:35,071
that had ever happened in our lives happened.

1163
00:55:35,113 --> 00:55:37,640
I know it's the funniest thing

1164
00:55:37,682 --> 00:55:41,149
because it's the funniest thing we have in the world.

1165
00:55:41,191 --> 00:55:41,989
What is it?

1166
00:55:42,031 --> 00:55:43,102
Fart. - Fart.

1167
00:55:43,144 --> 00:55:44,060
It's a fart.

1168
00:55:45,636 --> 00:55:48,624
It's all we got. We got the funniest thing in the world.

1169
00:55:48,666 --> 00:55:50,522
I could stand up here and write 60 minutes

1170
00:55:50,564 --> 00:55:51,965
of the funniest material ever.

1171
00:55:52,007 --> 00:55:54,063
And all that is just me trying to get

1172
00:55:54,105 --> 00:55:56,689
as close to what it's like when
you just hear someone fart.

1173
00:55:58,531 --> 00:56:00,989
All striving for that.

1174
00:56:01,031 --> 00:56:05,292
But this wasn't just any fart,
this was a very special fart

1175
00:56:05,334 --> 00:56:08,803
because Mr. Pepper was especially intense that day.

1176
00:56:08,845 --> 00:56:09,965
So he was like, "All right,

1177
00:56:10,007 --> 00:56:13,085
I want it absolutely silent in here, you got it?

1178
00:56:13,127 --> 00:56:14,539
We're taking a test today

1179
00:56:14,581 --> 00:56:18,887
and I don't wanna hear anything out of any of you."

1180
00:56:23,489 --> 00:56:24,327
You think that's funny?

1181
00:56:24,369 --> 00:56:26,945
Imagine it in the heads of a bunch of sixth graders.

1182
00:56:26,987 --> 00:56:30,532
It was absolute chaos. We weren't laughing.

1183
00:56:30,574 --> 00:56:35,477
There was just 30 kids. We'd be like,

1184
00:56:35,519 --> 00:56:38,909
I didn't know things could be so funny.

1185
00:56:38,951 --> 00:56:41,070
We're just busting up laughing.

1186
00:56:41,112 --> 00:56:44,377
Mr. Pepper's like, "All right guys, quiet down, stop, stop.

1187
00:56:44,419 --> 00:56:45,425
All right I want it quiet."

1188
00:56:45,467 --> 00:56:47,470
And someone's like, "You weren't just quiet just now."

1189
00:56:47,512 --> 00:56:50,636
And everyone's like, "Ah, you got him, you fucking got him."

1190
00:56:52,183 --> 00:56:54,099
Jason in the back looks over to me.

1191
00:56:54,141 --> 00:56:55,855
He was like, "I hope he doesn't die."

1192
00:56:55,897 --> 00:56:57,078
And I was like, "What?"

1193
00:56:57,120 --> 00:56:59,647
And he said, "Of a massive fart attack."

1194
00:57:01,985 --> 00:57:04,381
I was like "A fart attack.

1195
00:57:04,423 --> 00:57:08,895
It's like a heart attack, but
with farts. That's hilarious."

1196
00:57:08,937 --> 00:57:11,787
Everyone is busting up laughing.
He cannot control anyone.

1197
00:57:11,829 --> 00:57:14,320
So Mr. Pepper cancels the test.

1198
00:57:14,362 --> 00:57:17,108
He's like, "No test, we're gonna take it tomorrow."

1199
00:57:17,150 --> 00:57:18,806
And then he just sits there and he looks forward

1200
00:57:18,848 --> 00:57:21,000
with like wide eyes, just really like,

1201
00:57:21,042 --> 00:57:24,862
I'm the fart teacher from
now on, my fucking life is over.

1202
00:57:24,904 --> 00:57:27,703
"When Kyle finds about this, I'm a dead man."

1203
00:57:29,555 --> 00:57:33,646
He leaves class, he comes in the next day and he's nice.

1204
00:57:33,688 --> 00:57:34,679
He's a nice teacher.

1205
00:57:34,721 --> 00:57:37,804
This fart changed the syllabus and his personality.

1206
00:57:41,343 --> 00:57:43,959
After class, I walked out

1207
00:57:44,001 --> 00:57:46,552
and me and Jason are standing in the hallway

1208
00:57:46,594 --> 00:57:48,429
and he's like, "That was really funny."

1209
00:57:48,471 --> 00:57:50,389
And I was like, "Yeah, that was really funny."

1210
00:57:50,431 --> 00:57:54,598
He's like, "Yeah, do you wanna hang out sometime?"

1211
00:57:56,853 --> 00:58:01,853
And I hadn't hung out with
another kid my age for months.

1212
00:58:01,909 --> 00:58:03,497
I had no friends.

1213
00:58:03,539 --> 00:58:06,901
I didn't know if I'd ever have
a friend again, to be honest.

1214
00:58:06,943 --> 00:58:08,526
And I looked at him

1215
00:58:09,431 --> 00:58:12,881
and he wasn't what I expected
my friend would look like

1216
00:58:12,923 --> 00:58:15,206
when I was in the cool group, he was goth.

1217
00:58:15,248 --> 00:58:17,378
And he even had on a Metallica shirt

1218
00:58:17,420 --> 00:58:21,708
and I wasn't even allowed to
listen to that band, you know?

1219
00:58:21,750 --> 00:58:23,503
So when he said, "Do you wanna hang out sometime?"

1220
00:58:23,545 --> 00:58:27,761
I don't know if I was overly
excited or overly enthusiastic

1221
00:58:27,803 --> 00:58:29,418
but I just said,

1222
00:58:29,460 --> 00:58:31,627
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

1223
00:58:37,932 --> 00:58:41,330
"I would very much like to hang out sometime."

1224
00:58:41,372 --> 00:58:44,186
We hung out every single day that summer

1225
00:58:44,228 --> 00:58:45,720
we were inseparable

1226
00:58:45,762 --> 00:58:48,510
and he even taught me how to play guitar.

1227
00:58:48,552 --> 00:58:51,277
My dad played guitar for years and wanted to teach me.

1228
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:53,099
And it was being friends with Jason

1229
00:58:53,141 --> 00:58:54,701
that made me want to start playing guitar.

1230
00:58:54,743 --> 00:58:56,537
And one day I'm hanging out with Jason

1231
00:58:56,579 --> 00:58:58,393
and my dad comes over to pick us up

1232
00:58:58,435 --> 00:59:00,101
and Jason's playing guitar, he was super good.

1233
00:59:00,143 --> 00:59:01,637
And my dad's like, "What are you playing?"

1234
00:59:01,679 --> 00:59:03,091
He said, "I'm playing Metallica."

1235
00:59:03,133 --> 00:59:08,028
My dad's like, "I like this song, I like Metallica."

1236
00:59:08,070 --> 00:59:09,415
Jason's like, "Do you wanna borrow the CD?"

1237
00:59:09,457 --> 00:59:10,986
And my dad borrowed the CD.

1238
00:59:11,028 --> 00:59:13,449
He started listening to Metallica.

1239
00:59:13,491 --> 00:59:14,427
Remember my dad was driving

1240
00:59:14,469 --> 00:59:15,834
around the car listening to Metallica.

1241
00:59:15,876 --> 00:59:18,475
My dad has a very weird playlist, okay?

1242
00:59:18,517 --> 00:59:20,394
It's just "Les Mis" and Metallica, he's like,

1243
00:59:20,436 --> 00:59:22,556
♪ Do you hear the people sing ♪

1244
00:59:22,598 --> 00:59:27,598
♪ Master, master, Master of
Puppets is pulling your strings ♪

1245
00:59:27,774 --> 00:59:30,540
♪ Master of the house, keeper of the zoo ♪

1246
00:59:36,113 --> 00:59:38,772
I remember when I first went on stage,

1247
00:59:38,814 --> 00:59:40,192
in "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."

1248
00:59:40,234 --> 00:59:41,845
It was just a few months

1249
00:59:41,887 --> 00:59:45,637
after I had got kicked out of the cool group.

1250
00:59:54,977 --> 00:59:58,663
That's part of the reason why
my mom wanted me to audition

1251
00:59:58,705 --> 01:00:00,251
for the school play so that I wasn't

1252
01:00:00,293 --> 01:00:02,633
on the basketball team with those guys.

1253
01:00:02,675 --> 01:00:06,479
And when I was in that show, it changed my life.

1254
01:00:06,521 --> 01:00:07,931
And I went on stage for the first time

1255
01:00:07,973 --> 01:00:10,177
and I fell in love with performing.

1256
01:00:10,219 --> 01:00:13,817
And I felt like I was doing what I was meant to be doing.

1257
01:00:13,859 --> 01:00:17,817
And I looked out during one
of the songs and I made eyes.

1258
01:00:17,859 --> 01:00:20,571
And in the third row was all of the kids

1259
01:00:20,613 --> 01:00:22,241
that had made fun of me.

1260
01:00:22,283 --> 01:00:23,425
And there's this one scene

1261
01:00:23,467 --> 01:00:24,660
in "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown,"

1262
01:00:24,702 --> 01:00:26,163
about 20 minutes into the show

1263
01:00:26,205 --> 01:00:27,863
where he puts a bag over his head

1264
01:00:27,905 --> 01:00:30,650
and he gets to talk about how nervous he is

1265
01:00:30,692 --> 01:00:31,807
'cause he likes this girl.

1266
01:00:31,849 --> 01:00:35,022
And he was so embarrassed, he puts a bag over his head.

1267
01:00:35,064 --> 01:00:37,644
When the bag was over my head,

1268
01:00:37,686 --> 01:00:40,128
I was saying my lines out loud,

1269
01:00:40,170 --> 01:00:42,470
but I was actually thinking
something completely different.

1270
01:00:42,512 --> 01:00:44,912
And you may wonder how I was able to do that.

1271
01:00:44,954 --> 01:00:48,412
It's because I let my lines come to me,

1272
01:00:48,454 --> 01:00:50,699
not me coming to my lines.

1273
01:00:54,955 --> 01:00:56,022
And I was saying my lines.

1274
01:00:56,064 --> 01:00:58,742
And in my head I was thinking, when I take this bag off,

1275
01:00:58,784 --> 01:01:03,644
I'm not gonna care about what those guys think of me.

1276
01:01:03,686 --> 01:01:05,014
And even if they're laughing,

1277
01:01:05,056 --> 01:01:06,924
it's not gonna bother me anymore.

1278
01:01:06,966 --> 01:01:11,549
And I took the bag off my head and I never looked back.

1279
01:01:13,447 --> 01:01:17,229
And I was in my hometown doing standup a few years ago,

1280
01:01:17,271 --> 01:01:19,111
and I was making the whole crowd laugh.

1281
01:01:19,153 --> 01:01:21,368
And then in the back I saw that Kyle,

1282
01:01:21,410 --> 01:01:23,758
the kid that had been making fun of me,

1283
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:26,100
was in the back of the audience.

1284
01:01:26,142 --> 01:01:28,281
And I was like, "Is that Kyle?" And it was.

1285
01:01:28,323 --> 01:01:29,499
And I just put my head down.

1286
01:01:29,541 --> 01:01:32,923
I took a deep breath and I continued my set.

1287
01:01:32,965 --> 01:01:35,190
And after the show was done, Kyle came up to me

1288
01:01:35,232 --> 01:01:37,145
and he said, "Hey man, I didn't know you were a comedian."

1289
01:01:37,187 --> 01:01:39,825
I was like, "Thanks, how'd you hear about the show?"

1290
01:01:39,867 --> 01:01:42,031
He's like, "I'm just a comedy fan and I came to the show,

1291
01:01:42,073 --> 01:01:44,345
but great job." I was like, "Thanks."

1292
01:01:44,387 --> 01:01:48,109
And he said, "I'm really sorry for how we treated you.

1293
01:01:48,151 --> 01:01:50,104
That was really fucked up."

1294
01:01:50,146 --> 01:01:51,978
And I was like, "Thanks for saying that."

1295
01:01:52,020 --> 01:01:54,770
And he gave me a hug and he said,

1296
01:01:56,358 --> 01:01:59,579
"You know, I don't want to be flippant or anything,

1297
01:01:59,621 --> 01:02:01,150
but maybe if that wouldn't have happened to you,

1298
01:02:01,192 --> 01:02:02,969
you wouldn't have become a comedian

1299
01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,542
and told jokes and stuff."

1300
01:02:05,584 --> 01:02:08,022
And I was like, "Thanks for saying that Kyle",

1301
01:02:08,064 --> 01:02:11,820
but these weren't jokes and I'm not a comedian.

1302
01:02:11,862 --> 01:02:14,445
I'm nothing more than an artist

1303
01:02:16,398 --> 01:02:20,797
"who is painting on this
palette that we call the stage."

1304
01:02:25,431 --> 01:02:27,514
Thank you guys very much.