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Everyone give a warm, warm round of applause
to Kevin James Doyle.
How you doing?
I went to dinner recently with a friend
who was going through a tough time.
His wife left him and he was getting divorced
and he got fired from his job
and then he came home to his new apartment
and it was on fire.
So I was out to dinner with him and I was like,
"Hey man, how you doing?"
And he was like, "Oh, you know,
it's just one of the worst times in my entire life."
And I was like, "One of?
What other time of your life is as bad as this?"
And he said, "Probably middle school."
That's how bad middle school was for some people.
I had a horrible time in middle school.
Sometimes I think if I had a written record
of every thought, every memory,
every experience I went through during that time,
if I found that, I would burn it.
Unless there was an audience.
And then I would read it to you.
I went home for Christmas recently
and I found a journal that I started keeping in sixth grade.
And I don't know how else to say it.
Every word of this is real.
I wish I was as funny as I was
as I wrote all of this in sixth grade, but I'm not.
No one is.
And if you found this from your life,
it would be just as embarrassing.
"October 28th, 1997."
So I think it's about time I kept the journal.
I mean, heck, I'm 13.
I feel like that's when life starts to get interesting.
I mean, it better.
So far life has been pretty boring,
but something tells me it's about to be good.
Real good.
December 4th, 1997.
I like the internet. It is fun.
I like chat rooms, especially sports chat rooms.
You can find out about players, even the scores of games.
But sometimes people want to talk about weird sexual things.
I don't wanna talk about your privates, I wanna talk sports.
March 4th, 1998.
Okay, we need to talk about something.
Jenny McCarthy.
She's on a show called "Singled Out"
and I want to write about her here,
but if someone reads this and knows what I'm thinking,
I would be absolutely humiliated.
"Okay, here's a hint. Two words, hard penis."
It's just a hint.
"May 7th, 1998."
I can't think what to write about today
so I'll just write about something that I love, my hair.
I love running my hands through it.
It is bright, shiny, and magnificent.
I won the best hair award in class today too,
and I felt honored 'cause that class
"is chock full of great heads of hair."
Now what I was doing there
is actually a complex literary device called dramatic irony.
And that is when the writer doesn't know something
that we the audience know.
"October 14th, 1998."
So for my birthday I was excited
because Kenny got me Master P's album.
But when mom saw the parental advisory on it,
she made me take it back.
So we went to the mall to return it and I got a new CD.
I picked up Puff Daddy's album, and guess what?
It had a parental advisory too.
But I covered it with my thumb and mom never saw it.
Probably the coolest thing I've ever done.
February 21st, 1999.
Mom practically forced me to audition for the school play.
On one hand, it's nice
because she thinks I'd be good at theater and stuff.
And on the other hand, it's kind of messed up
because if I get in this show,
"it could distract me from my true passion, sports."
So I wanna tell you guys
about a time that's not in my journal.
And it's the first time that a woman ever touched my penis.
And it was technically a threesome
'cause there were two women in the room at the time.
The first was Dr. Melinda Schatowitz,
and the other was my mom.
Two words, soft penis, okay?
So Dr. Melinda Schatowitz is like,
"Kevin drop your drawers."
And I was like, "My mom is right there."
And she's like, "Barb, turn around."
So my mom turned around, continued to talk the entire time,
and Dr. Melinda Schatowitz
is cupping my balls inspecting them.
She gets distracted from my mom and she starts talking.
I'm just standing there
with this old lady cupping my testicles
as they're having a conversation
and I'm like, "Excuse me?"
And talk to Melinda Schatowitz, she's like,
"Kevin, this is completely normal.
This is not weird. This is not weird.
This is not weird. This is completely normal."
I'm like, "You've been cupping my balls for 30 seconds.
My mom is in the corner. This isn't just weird.
This is the worst moment of my entire life."
And it was, up to that point,
it was the worst moment of my life.
But, now I'm an adult and it's totally fine, you know?
I mean, if anything, it informs parts of my adult life.
Like for example, when I'm dating,
I'm only attracted to 70-year-old Jewish women.
And I can't cum unless my mom's in the corner talking.
How you guys doing, huh? Good?
You all there? You like that?
All right, so that's not even the worst
doctor's appointment I had at that age
'cause a few years after that, my hair started falling out
and I had to go get tests to find out
if there was something wrong with me.
Okay, so I walked in the room with my mom
and this guy walks out and he is a beautiful man.
He looked like George Clooney walked off the set of "ER",
just beautiful locks and he said,
"Kevin, we're gonna find out what's wrong with you.
And I need to give you a blood test
and you can come back next week and I can diagnose you."
So I take the blood test, we leave.
I come back the next week with my mom,
and we're very concerned, we're nervous, we're sitting there
and he walks in the room really solemn.
I was like, "Okay."
He said, "Kevin, I just wanna tell you
that what you have is incurable
and what we can do, we can fight the symptoms,
but this is something you're gonna have to live with."
And I was like, "Doc, am I gonna make it?"
He's like, "I think you're gonna make it
'cause nobody yet has died of male pattern baldness."
I was like, "So that was a joke you just did?"
He's like, "Kevin, you know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
You know, this can actually happen as young as 14.
It's very rare, but it's happened to you.
And so I just wanna let you know
if you're insecure about this.
"I was insecure when I was a kid about my hair."
And I was like, "Really?"
He said, "Yeah, I was insecure 'cause my hair was so thick."
I was like, "Cool doc."
That's not an insecurity that exists in the world, okay?
You don't make up your own insecurities.
Society chooses them for us.
And as a group of people, we haven't chosen big penis
or thick hair as an insecurity you're allowed to have.
My mom is even more concerned than me.
My mom is just like, "Is there anything we can do?"
He's like, "Well, we have three options," I was like "Okay."
He's like, "First option, you go bald."
I was like, "Okay."
He's like, "Second option, you can get a hair transplant.
We take hair from the back of your head,
and we transplant it to the top and it'll grow like normal."
I'm like, "I'm like four years away from the SATs.
I'm not getting a hair transplant, okay?"
He's like, "The third option is a drug."
It's a pill that you take every day called Propecia,
and you'll keep all the hair that you have
and you'll even grow some hair back
"and you take that pill for the rest of your life."
My mom said, "Okay, are there any side effects?"
He said, "There's one side effect,
it can cause early onset erectile dysfunction."
And I was like, "I think I'll just go bald, okay?"
I can't think of a more worst case scenario,
a more Faustian bargain
than to be age 22 and hitting on a girl and she's like,
"Ooh, you're cute."
And I'm like, "Well sweetheart, I hope you like these locks"
'cause down here is out of order.
Yeah, my penis doesn't work.
I've been on Propecia for eight years.
So, you know when you go to those car dealerships?
Yeah, it's kinda like one of those floppy guys
"just like that, pretty good though, huh?"
So my mom's like, "Don't you care?"
I was like, "Yes, of course I care."
She's like, "Does it bother you?"
I was like, "Yes, of course
it bothers me, but you know what?
I'm just gonna go bald and one day it's not gonna bother me
and I'm not gonna care."
And that's what happened
through high school and through college,
I hated it, it bothered me.
And then I got older and older and it never bothers me now.
I never even think about it.
That's a lie.
There's one time in life when it bothers me,
and that's when I'm around kids.
I work with like four and five year olds as a teacher.
And if I walk into a classroom and I don't have a hat on,
all the kids are like, "Hi Mr Kevin."
If I walk into a classroom with a hat on, they're like,
"Hi, Mr Kevin."
If I walk into a classroom with a hat on
and midway through class, I take my hat off,
all the kids at once, they're like,
"You're bald! He has no hair!"
So I find myself getting to the door of the classroom
and I'm just like, all right, Kevin hat on or hat off?
Choose now,
you don't want Penelope and Sebastian and their little gang
making fun of you again, okay?
So this happened one time, and no joke.
A little girl named Madeline in the front of class,
everyone said, "You're bald!"
And she looked up and she said, "Mr. Kevin."
I was like, "Yeah."
And she said, "Can you grow your hair back?"
And I said, "No, I can't grow my hair back.
And even if I could, I wouldn't
because I love myself just the way that I am."
And she said, "I think you look mean with no hair."
And she started to cry.
So sorry if it bothers me occasionally.
So I'm bald now, I live in New York
and I used to have day job that I absolutely loved.
And this day job was being a tour guide around New York City
for eighth graders on their eighth grade trip to New York.
And I loved that because I made it a mission of mine to say,
"You know what?"
These kids are in an uncomfortable part of life.
All right, this is difficult.
I'm gonna try and be a good influence
and try and connect with the kids.
So I try to connect with them
by being like a cool tour guide.
I don't know how you express that to eighth graders.
I would just be like, "All right guys, what's up?
I'm Kevin, and don't worry, I'm a cool tour guide."
They're like, "Oh, I wanna kill myself."
So I try and talk to them about music.
That's the way I try and connect with 'em.
So I'd be like,
"Hey guys, so what sort of music do you listen to?"
And they're like, "What do you listen to?"
And I was like, "I don't know, pretty cool music.
Like Radiohead."
And they're like, "Ugh, that's old people music."
And I'm like, "Shit, that's old people music.
It was cool for so long. What do you guys listen to?"
And they're like, "We like rap."
And I was like, "I like rap too.
I like Wu-Tang. I like Biggie."
And they're like, "Ugh that's old people rap."
And I'm like, "Shit, that's older than Radiohead.
That's old people rap."
I was like, "I do cool things sometimes.
One time I got a CD with a principal advisory on it
and I covered it with my thumb."
And they're like, "What are CDs?"
And I'm like, "Oh, shit, I'm old."
Just on a conveyor belt away
from coolness and towards death.
There was this one kid they were picking on
'cause he wasn't allowed to listen to rap music.
And I could relate because I wasn't allowed to listen
to certain types of music when I was growing up
'cause I grew up in like a conservative Christian family.
And so I remember
I wasn't allowed to listen to Marilyn Manson.
No, I wanted to, and they're like,
"No, you cannot listen to Marilyn Manson."
Does anyone remember the rumor about Marilyn Manson?
Yeah. - Yeah.
What was the rumor? - The ribs.
He had two ribs removed why?
So he could suck his dick. - So he could suck his dick.
I just want the audience to say it and not me.
So you all believe that it was a widespread rumor, okay?
So imagine how I felt and I wasn't allowed
to listen to the one artist in the world
who was living out my dream at the time, you know?
That wasn't just my dream,
that was every boy's dream at that age.
It doesn't matter if it's your brother, your father,
Pope Francis or Barack Obama, at 13 we were all the same.
We were just like,
"I think I can make it. I think I can make it."
And you couldn't make it.
You'd have to lose two ribs in order to make it, you know?
So do you remember what we all did? What'd you do?
We'd all go to our parents.
We'd be like, "Hey mom, I have a question."
And she'd be like, "Yes sweetheart?"
And you'd be like, "Can I get two ribs removed?"
She'd be like, "Why?"
And you'd be like,
"Well, I'm almost too embarrassed to even say it."
And she'd be like, "You can tell me anything."
And you'd be like, "Well, I was kind of hoping
that I could suck my own dick."
And then your mom would kneel down and say,
"Sweetheart, that's a very invasive surgery.
So in the meantime,
you're just gonna have to stretch or use your hand, okay?"
And then you'd skip off.
Do you remember when we had that conversation with your mom?
Just me? Okay.
I wasn't allowed to listen to Metallica either,
which really bothered me, 'cause I didn't understand
why I wasn't allowed to listen to Metallica.
I didn't realize what was wrong with them.
But I found a loophole actually,
because I found a Christian group, that took secular songs
and would rewrite them with Christian lyrics.
So sure, I wasn't allowed to listen
to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica,
but I was allowed to listen, to "Enter Samson."
"Enter Samson" was was the same
rocking instrumentals of Metallica,
but telling the Old Testament story of Samson and Delilah.
♪ See my hair, it's so long ♪
♪ How'd I get so strong ♪
♪ There's a clue in this song ♪
♪ See me one guy only whippin' your Philistines ♪
Why would I even want to listen to the original?
Why would I wanna listen
to Deep purples "Smoke on the Water"
when I could listen to "Walk on the Water?"
"Bohemian Rhapsody?", "Bethlehemian Rhapsody."
I've got you one better queen.
I always thought it was funny,
James Hetfield from Metallica, the lead singer,
in all of his songs, he's always like,
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
And I always thought it would be funny
if that's not how he sings, that's just any time in his life
that he's overly excited or enthusiastic.
Like, "Mr. Hetfield,
would you like to start with an appetizer?"
And he's like,
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
So I go up to my parents,
And I'm like, "Can I listen to Metallica?"
And they're like, "Absolutely not."
I'm like, "Can I listen to Metallica with Christian lyrics?"
And both my parents at the same time are just like,
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Boom.
When I'm giving these tours,
every single tour was more awkward than the last
every single kid was just like awkward.
They looked like circus freaks,
like they're in physical pain
because they just got new rubber bands on their braces.
They're like, "I can't even eat an apple." You know?
And they all have acne.
There's like one kid with a girlfriend
and his girlfriend's like three feet taller than him.
She's like, "I don't even know what we're doing, okay."
And all the kids are just like making fun of everything.
They're afraid to like anything.
And then there was this one kid
who was completely comfortable with who he was.
It was amazing, I still remember this kid.
He had a weird name, named Arlo.
And all these kids were making fun of his name.
And I remember they're picking on him
and he just like, "I don't care.
You can make fun of my name all you want. I like who I am."
I was like, who is this kid? He was amazing.
So on our itinerary, we are going to the MoMA in New York,
the Museum of Modern Art.
And I wanted to be a good mentor for the kids.
So I wanted to show 'em around,
show 'em some of the pieces of art.
So I had this group of like six boys
and I like showed 'em a painting.
I was like, "Hey guys, huh?
What do you think of the painting?"
They're like, "That's just a square."
And I'm like, "Yeah, but that's the first artist
that drew a square."
That sucks, we gotta find a better painting than that, okay?
So we go up to the room where Van Gogh's "Starry Night" is
one of the greatest paintings of all time.
And we're standing there and I was like, "Huh?"
And all the boys are just laughing about how funny it'd be
if they went up and punched the painting, that's it.
And then Arlo hears 'em and he's like,
"If you even get close to that painting,
you better appreciate the brush strokes."
And one of the kids is like,
"Stars don't even look like that."
That's the eighth grade art critics
"Stars don't even look like that."
You know what Arlo says?
Arlo's like "Stars aren't supposed to look like that.
That's his impression of what stars look like.
It's called Impressionism. Ever hear of it?"
I love this kid.
So all of these kids are, this group is from Texas.
And so they're always nervous that New York isn't safe.
And so they're always come up to me
and they're like, "Is Central Park safe?"
And I'm like, "Yes, central Park is safe."
They're like, "Is the subway safe?"
I'm like, "Yes, the subway is safe."
And then this one kid,
we're about to go in the theater to see "Wicked."
And they say, "Is the theater safe?"
And I'm like, "Yes, when is the theater not been safe?"
And Arlo from the back is just like,
"Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth,
ever hear of 'em?"
I'm like, he's witty too, off the top of his head.
So I asked this whole group, I was like,
"Hey, is everybody excited to see 'Wicked?'"
And everyone's like, "Woo!"
And then it quiets down and there's one guy in the back
and he is just like, "No." Like, who was that?
And it was a chaperone, he had on like a cowboy hat.
And I was like, "Have you ever seen the show before?"
He is like, "No, I haven't seen the show.
I just know I don't like musicals."
I was like, "Okay."
And Arlo says, "You don't like musicals?
That's just a play with music. That's a two for one deal."
He's frugal too.
Now what was going on with that chaperone
is something that I've seen before.
He didn't even know that he was thinking it,
but what was going on is the thought that he had,
which was, "If I see a musical and I like it, am I gay?"
You know?
And that's such like an absurd thing.
But I'm telling you, I have seen it before
because I remember my dad,
he loves the book "Les Mis," it's his favorite book.
So my mom got us tickets when we came to New York
for the first time when I was a kid,
to see "Les Mis the Musical."
And he's like, "Oh my gosh, I love 'Les Mis.'"
And then my mom's like,
"It's a musical. I've heard it's great."
My dad's like, " I don't like musicals!"
She's like,
"I've heard it's amazing. Everyone says it's great."
He's like, "I think musicals are cheesy."
I was like, all right.
So we went to the show and I don't like
sitting next to somebody if they're not enjoying it.
So I'm just watching the show on my own
and then all of a sudden act one ends
and there's big commotion next to me and I look
and it's my dad.
He's like, "Good show"
Starts crying, he tells me, "I'll be right back."
He runs down to the merch table,
he gets a T-shirt, and he gets two CDs.
He gets two of the cast albums.
He comes back up and I'm like, "Is one of those for me?"
And he's like, "No, they're both for me.
In case one of them gets scratched,
I wanna have an extra one."
So I'm making a point.
Now, my dad, anytime my dad is driving around now
he's listening to "Les Mis."
So he is just driving around, just being like,
♪ Do you hear the people sing ♪
♪ Singing a song of angry men ♪
♪ Master of the house, keeper of the zoo ♪
He loves "Les Mis."
So I want to talk to that chaperone after "Wicked,"
'cause I think he's gonna enjoy the show.
So I make a beeline as they walk out.
And I was like, "Hey, what'd you think?"
He's like, "Kevin, oh my gosh, that show was incredible.
I love the story. I love the songs."
He's like, "I even got a cast album."
I was like, "Are you serious?"
He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna listen to it
when I get back down to Texas, I'm gonna be driving around
singing 'Defying Gravity.'
I'm gonna find a guy. I'm gonna suck his dick."
So, okay, so I, enforced by my mom
to audition for the school play.
And little did I know it was a musical.
A musical called "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."
Now I was on the basketball team
and I wanted to be on the basketball team.
I told my mom, I was like, "I love playing basketball."
And in our town you had to play everybody
for four minutes a game, the games are 30 minutes long,
everyone has to play four minutes.
I always played four minutes, okay?
So my mom is like, "Audition for the school play.
I think there's a better way that we can all, as a family
spend our time than going to your basketball games
and seeing you on the bench."
And I'm like, "All right."
So I go audition for "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."
And I walk in and I don't know what the director thought,
but I think when I walked in, she said, "Oh my gosh,
an insecure adolescent boy who's bad at sports
and prematurely balding, holy fucking shit,
it is Charlie Brown."
So I got Charlie Brown and I got to perform in it.
And I loved it. It changed my life.
After that, I was like,
"I don't even wanna be on the basketball team.
I'm excited for next year's school play."
Next year we were in "Grease."
Okay, now "Grease,"
I don't know if you guys have ever watched it,
just imagine a bunch of kids just singing "Grease,"
'cause there's some stuff that is
pretty odd to listen to now.
Like here's a line from "Summer nights."
♪ Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight ♪
They're basically just like,
"Hey Danny, did you rape Sandy?"
And he's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't wanna talk about it. I wanna sing about it."
Now the end of Greece, you may remember
Sandy, she's the good girl.
At the end, she starts dressing sexy,
she starts smoking and everyone's blown away.
She gives into peer pressure.
And then she just says, "Tell me about it stud."
Remember that?
Did you know there's a sequel called "Grease 2?"
It's a real movie,
Michelle Pfeiffer plays Sandy in "Grease 2"
and in "Grease 2" it's interesting
because the end of "Grease 1", she gives into peer pressure.
She starts smoking, the beginning of "Grease 2,"
she has a tracheotomy and she's just like,
"I should have never started this bad habit."
This was a horrible mistake.
"Oh, Danny, I love you."
So after "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown," and "Grease,"
I told my parents I want to go to theater camp.
So they found me a theater camp.
And I went to theater camp
and I kept a journal while I was at theater camp.
Now, I'm a little bit older.
My prose is a little more advanced, okay?
"June 15th, 2002."
Well, it's day one at theater camp.
There are only a few guys here. It's mostly girls.
I know I have a lot to learn, but I have a work ethic
and a desire to learn as much as possible.
The group question today is, why are you here?
The answer, to learn everything humanly possible.
I wanna be a great actor, writer, director,
anything to do with theater.
I wanna be great at everything,
performing, writing, sets, costumes.
And I think with hard work, I will leave this camp
in two weeks with the knowledge to do just that.
Day two, am I learning about acting?
Yes, but also about people.
Can I handle some of them? No.
Can I hide it? Yes.
I am also having a hard time sharing my attention.
I mean, at Hoover High School Drama Club, I am it.
It's me and only me.
But here I have to share the spotlight.
It looks like I'll have to earn respect.
And this camp is just a taste of the real world.
Day three. I love theater and I can be anyone on stage.
And you know what?
It doesn't matter if you have one line or 100 lines.
It doesn't matter unless you affect a life.
Day 5. Amalia, our counselor, is my favorite person here.
From the moment I saw her do her monologue
from "The Diary of Anne Frank," I knew I had a crush.
She is Jewish and could really understand the character
like someone else who is not.
I have a thing for her, but boys will be boys, ha.
Day seven.
Today I feel how much I'm gonna be getting out of this camp.
I hate that it will end.
I want to be around these people 24/7.
They're all so open-minded and accepting of one another.
You never have to worry about
sounding stupid or feeling dumb.
There's a definite trust here.
It's not just a camp, it's a fellowship of friends.
Day eight.
I spent the whole night discussing religion, college,
and sexuality with our counselor Matt Z.
While Nile, Evan and Nick
all looked at porn together in the other room.
Matt is really cool,
and I got to talk to him about being gay.
I told him, a lot of my friends think I'm gay.
It's probably because
I wear tight clothes and I love theater.
I've never wondered if I am gay,
but I have certainly tried to see if I am.
I just get bogged down with people thinking I'm gay.
So I want to make sure.
The thing is, is that gay no longer means
attracted to the same sex.
It now means likes tight clothes, theater and singing.
And if that's the definition, then I can admit
that yes, I am gay, but not homosexual.
Final day.
During the final performance,
I was afraid I would mess up my lines.
I didn't, because I let my lines come to me,
"not me coming to my lines."
I still don't know what that means, but
"I've become so much from this camp.
I've gained patience and friends. I've lost my clean mouth."
Okay, so I'm pretty sure
that at this camp I started swearing a lot more.
Either that or I gave my counselor Matt Z a blow job.
It's one of the two.
"On my way home now, don't ask me how it happened,
but this camp slipped through my hands,
like hands full of sand.
I made a new family, but this one will
never be together again.
I learned about Jewish beliefs and culture from Amalia,
and I learned about gay people from Matt.
Our acting teacher even said I should go into acting.
"But I'd have to work on both my voice and my movement."
The two elements of acting.
"You know the feeling when you know something for sure?"
Well, I guess I do, if I'm asking myself,
I am certain that theater is it for me.
I love entertaining people and role-playing others' lives.
All I need is a chance and I can transform into anyone.
I didn't cry today,
but I will miss these people so much.
And I had one of the best times of my entire life.
When I grow up, I know what I want to be.
But I don't just want to be an actor,
I want to be an artist, yep, that's right.
"An artist who paints on this palette, we call the stage."
Now imagine that that boy would find out that he'd grow up,
he'd moved to New York and he'd get to work in theater.
And not only that, but he would get to become colleagues
with one of the great American playwrights,
probably the most influential African American
playwright in America.
So I teach kids chess now, that's my day job.
And I got an email from a new client,
and I recognized her name
because I studied her plays in college.
She's won a Pulitzer Prize.
She's been nominated for two more.
Not only that, but the "New York Times" said
that one of her plays is the best American play
of the past 25 years.
So I saw her signature and I thought, "Oh my gosh,"
she wanted her son to learn chess.
So I show up to her door, and when she opens the door,
I know exactly who it is
'cause I've seen her picture on the inside of the plays
that I read in college.
So I'm looking for any chance
I can talk to her about theater,
talk to her about her process, connect on a normal level.
And I'd go week after week after week.
And then one day after about a year of knowing her,
I showed up and she opens the door
and she just starts telling me about this new play
that she's working on for Broadway.
And I'm over the moon.
I'm asking her questions, she's answering them.
Then she starts telling me about this script
she's working on for HBO.
She asked me what I do,
and I'm like, I'm an actor, I'm a writer,
I'm a comedian as well.
She's asking me questions
and we're just going back and forth.
And in my head, I'm freaking out. I am over the moon.
It's one of the highlights of my life.
And then she says, Dylan, her son.
She's like, "You know Dylan, I think he wants to be white."
I was like, "What?"
She's like, "I think Dylan wants to be white."
And I was like, "Like when he grows up?"
She was like, "What?"
I was like, "I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Like he wants to be white when he grows up?"
And she said "No."
And we turned, and Dylan was setting up all
of the white chess pieces on the chess board.
And I was like, "Yeah, that makes more sense.
That why I come here to teach chess."
And I went and I sat down
and right looking down at me, she had a giant poster
of James Baldwin and his hand's like this
was staring right at me, it was like he was just saying
"Like, when he grows up?
What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Kevin?"
I'm not kidding, I've had nightmares
where I just replay exactly the situation in my head
and I wake up and I'm like, "Oh my gosh."
Nope, happened in real life too.
Dreaming and waking, this happened.
This is absolutely humiliating,
but we're actually working together on a project now.
It's a play titled "The Racist Chess Teacher."
So it's based on a true story.
I went to church camp as well as theater camp.
Yeah, I went to both camps.
Does anyone want to guess
which one was the dirtier camp.
Church.
You are correct. It was church camp.
Yeah. - Yeah.
I went to church camp and I remember
on the very first day, in the same room,
they split up all of the girls on this side,
all of the boys on this side.
And then they handed out purity rings to all of the girls.
And a purity ring, for those of you who don't know,
it's a ring that girls put on their fingers
instead of their wedding ring.
And they're supposed to save themselves for marriage
and make sure that they're pure.
And all of the guys, while that happened,
were just supposed to talk about
what they wanted to pray about.
So I'm with this kid, Curtis,
and I was like, "What do you wanna pray about?"
And he's like, "I don't wanna pray.
I just fingered Andrea McDowell."
And I was like, "Cool."
We are at totally different camps right now.
I wanna know what camp you are at, okay?
So once there was a break, Curtis went and found Andrea.
Andrea had a friend named Kate. So me and Kate are talking.
And then when there's no parents around
me and Kate went off and went over by this lake,
and we're sitting there and we're talking,
and she looks at me and she was like,
"I want to give you a hand job."
And I was like, "Ah, but you have on a purity ring."
And she looked at me and she just said, "Not anymore."
Hottest thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
Even to this day I think about it, I get trembles
I'm just like, "Not anymore.
Oh my gosh, Kate, you're too much."
I wanted to hang out with Kate again.
So I go home from church camp
and I tell my parents, I met this girl named Kate.
Can she come over sometime?
And they're like, "Yeah, what are you guys gonna do?"
And I couldn't say what we're gonna do,
so I just had to make it up on the spot.
I'm like, "We're gonna watch 'Rain Man.'"
'Cause I saw a VHS of "Rain Man" in her living room.
My parents get so excited, like,
"Oh my gosh, it's such a good movie.
Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman, best picture."
So they make popcorn and Kate comes over
and they're like, "Are you guys excited to see the movie?"
We're like, "So excited."
We go in the basement, we turn on the movie,
and then the FBI warning isn't even off the screen yet.
The credits aren't even done.
We're like,
just furiously making out.
And I'm waiting for Kate to give the go ahead.
And she doesn't, she just looks at me
and she's like, "Kevin?" I was like, "Yeah?"
She said, "I want you to put a finger in my vagina."
And I was like, "What?"
Now I'd never done that.
So I followed her directions to the letter
and I put one finger in her vagina and that was it.
I just looked at her, it was like I set an egg timer
and was waiting for my finger to prune, I don't know.
I was like, Dr. Melinda Schatowitz that says like,
"Kate, this isn't weird. This isn't weird.
This is totally normal."
All right, we heard something up at the steps.
And we went back, we quick. We're like, oh no, okay.
So we're sitting there and then my parents came back down
like, "Hey, are you guys enjoying the movie?"
We're like, "Yeah, yeah."
They're like, "Oh, what party are you at?"
We're like, "Ah, the rain hasn't happened yet.
I don't think."
They're like, "Okay, do you need any more popcorn?"
We're like, "No, we're fine."
So they go back upstairs, we didn't get caught.
And I was like, "Phew, okay."
So we're sitting there,
we're about to start making out again.
And right before we do,
I hear someone at the top of the steps.
It's my mom and my dad like, "Kevin upstairs now!"
I was like, "I'll be right back."
And I walked upstairs, both my parents are there,
and they were both furious.
They were like, "Kevin, what are you doing?"
And I was like, "I'm sorry."
My mom was like, " Kevin, what are you doing?"
And I she's like, "You gotta move your finger
back and forth, okay?
She's getting nothing out of this."
Now my mom came and saw this show, once,
and from the back she said,
"I did not say that. That is not true."
And I liked picking on my mom, so I was like,
"Guys, she didn't say it. She didn't say it.
She said, you may need to work the clit a little bit.
Not all girls get off from penetration.
Can you believe she said that?"
Can you guys believe that my mom is sitting
right here? - Yeah.
And that she said that to me.
Go Mom! - She taught me
about the female orgasm at age 13.
So, when I was in sixth grade,
that's when everyone in our town
went from the elementary schools into the middle school.
And so that is when all of the new groups formed.
And I found myself in the cool group,
which was very exciting.
I knew I was in the cool group
'cause I started getting invited to sleepovers.
And the first sleepover that I went to
was over at Kenny's house,
and there was about six guys there.
And we were gonna play video games
and we were gonna watch movies, I was very excited.
So we got over to Kenny's
and we were gonna play Nintendo 64.
We were gonna play "Mario Kart," okay?
And then the mom rented us a movie and it was "Titanic."
So she puts the movie in,
she goes upstairs and she's like, "Have fun."
We're sitting there, "Titanic" is the worst,
most boring movie for a bunch of sixth grade boys to watch.
It's historical and it's a stupid love story.
And we're sitting there bored out of our minds,
like all six of us.
And then at about one hour, minute 22, second eight,
Kate Winslet takes off of her top and we saw boobs.
So we're sitting there and no one says a word.
We're just like, "That is awesome."
And one of the boys, Billy, gets up and he goes
and he pauses it and he goes back and he sits down.
And none of us said a word.
We just sat there and looked at him.
And we each had our own blanket.
We took our own blanket, we put our hands under the blanket.
And we had the time of our life with ourselves.
We just were going to town.
It was just the boys and Kate.
It was like our first date.
And then the dynamic switches,
when the first boy finishes, gets up,
goes and washes his hands
and goes downstairs to play Mario Kart.
There are five of us sitting there.
And there's only four controllers on Nintendo 64.
So there are only three left.
So there's five of us not saying anything,
but knowing there's kind of a competitive element,
the next three boys that finish
are gonna get to play "Mario Kart" the whole night.
And I wanted to be Wario who's one of the fastest.
What I find crazy about that, is it 1000% happened.
No one said anything during, after,
it was like, "Never speak of this again."
So I always imagine running into Billy again.
And he like has a wife, and he's like,
"Oh, hey, this is Kevin,
we were on the basketball team together."
And I'm like, "And we jerked off to Titanic together.
Remember?"
He's like, "This is my wife."
His name was if anybody's interested,
we're gonna bleep that out.
So the other way that I knew that I was in the cool group
is because we picked on other kids.
Now, I didn't usually pick on kids.
The leaders were Chad and Kenny.
And they'd just walk around school and they'd just like,
"You're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay as well."
That's all they would do.
Anybody who was any different in any way
or showed a personality in any way, were different,
"You're gay."
Now, I was the funny kid of the group,
so I needed to make Chad and Kenny laugh.
And so I would think of other
creative ways to make them laugh.
Like there's a kid named Jason and he was kind of goth.
And so I spread a rumor that Jason killed dogs.
And so whenever Jason would walk past, I'd be like,
"Hey Jason, have you killed any dogs lately?"
And Chad and Kenny thought this was hilarious.
Now there was this other kid named Ian,
and Ian was like kind of awkward,
a computer programmer type.
And in study hall, I'd sit next to Ian
and I would just say,
"Hey Ian, hey Ian, hey Ian, hey Ian, hey Ian."
And he would say, "Stop saying, hey Ian!"
And then he would get in trouble.
Pretty good.
Now we were the cool group and it was so much fun.
I loved being part of this group.
And then a new kid joined our group, his name was Kyle.
He was also a funny kid.
But his sense of humor, it was past what I was used to.
I was a church kid growing up.
I could not have had the sense of humor that he had.
I remember one time in science class with Mrs. Stevens,
she was asking us about memory.
She was like, "Hey, does anybody here
have their first memory and wanna share it?"
And Kyle was like, "Yeah, I remember
coming out of my mom's vagina and seeing a giant bush.
All right, I'm gonna, the principal's office."
Just walked himself out.
We were like, "You can do that? That's insane."
All right, so we go to Mr. Clegg's class for Health,
and it's just the boys and we can ask
any question about what's going on,
if we have any questions, he'll answer them.
This one kid, he is like, "I'm growing like weird hairs."
And he's like, "It's not weird, it's totally normal.
Where are they? And he's like, "Like in my armpits."
He's like, "That's totally normal.
Armpit hair's completely normal."
Another kid's, like, "Like on my privates."
He's yes.
Oh no. - All right.
Hello. Here we go.
You guys can't get worried about that type of stuff
'cause we can edit that stuff out 'cause it's professional.
You know what I mean? Round of applause for the film crew.
Round of applause for yourselves
and for being such a smooth audience
to let me just slip back into the story.
All right, so.
The cops are coming?
"Hey, where's the sound person, they fuck up?"
I'm totally kidding, the comedy special police.
All right, so we're backing up, ready?
So this one kid's like, "Like on my privates."
He's like, "Yes, that is called pubic hair.
That is completely normal."
Kyle in the back of the room, he is like, "Mr. Clegg?"
He's like, "Yeah?", he's like,
"Do you have hair on your butt hole?"
Mr. Clegg's like, "Class dismissed, class over.
You can't ask that."
Mr. Clegg looked uncomfortable
so clearly he had hair on his butt hole
and it just made him feel a little uncomfortable.
I could relate,
'cause I started growing hair on my butt hole
at that same age.
Yeah, it was weird 'cause it started to itch.
And I did like a math equation in my head.
I said, no hair on my butt hole, it doesn't itch.
We added hair to my butt hole now it itches.
We need to subtract the hair from my butt hole.
So I went home and I took my dad's disposable razor
and his shaving cream and I shaved my butt hole.
And I'm here to tell you guys,
it made things exponentially worse.
It did not solve the itching problem.
I went to school the next day
and I was like, "Holy shit, why did I do this?"
And I had no one to talk to about,
I was like, "This was a horrible mistake."
So we get to the lunch table
and my lunch table with the cool kids
was a place where we could talk about anything.
We can talk about all kinds of weird stuff.
And the talk topic of today, this one kid was bringing up
how hot his cousin was.
And it opened up a great conversation
with all the rest of us about how hot our cousins were.
And if anybody thinks that's weird
sorry that your aunts and your uncles
created such ugly children.
But at this table we had hot cousins
and we were excited for Thanksgiving to get in there
and give a big hug and be just like Kate Winslet baby.
So after this dies down, this one kid, Chris,
was like, guys, "I got something crazy.
I'm actually growing hair on my butt hole."
And it's complete silence.
And then Kyle looks at him and he's like,
"That's your name now, Butt Hole Hair."
He's like, "What?"
And he's like, "You're Butt Hole Hair now, got it?"
And then two kids were like,
"Butt Hole Hair, Butt Hole Hair."
And then like another kid, they're like, "Butt Hole Hair."
Then all of a sudden, the entire lunch table
is just chanting Butt Hole Hair, except for Chris
who looks terrified.
And me, I'm sitting there 'cause I don't want to join in
'cause it wouldn't be honest for me to make fun of Chris
for having butt hole hair.
And earlier in history class, we talked about the Holocaust
and we talked about the banality of evil,
how evil comes from the most dull moments.
And I said, if I don't stand up now and stand up for Chris,
this will be basically Chris's middle school Holocaust.
I know that seems dramatic,
but I was a very dramatic boy, okay?
And I was like, "Hold on a second!" And it was quiet.
I said, "Chris, I got hair in my butt hole too."
At least I did until last night.
And I just gotta tell you, whatever you do,
do not shave your butt hole.
"It'll make things so much worse."
And you know, the first person to talk after that was Kyle,
who started the butt hole hair chant.
He said, "Yeah, I'm going here on my butt hole too.
It's pretty weird."
Isn't that the human experience right there?
He was acting out. He felt uncomfortable with who he was.
And so we picked on somebody else,
even though they were both the same.
And we all started talking about even more weird stuff.
And I left and I was like, what a great lunch table.
And I went back the next day
and I walked up with my lunch tray or our lunch table,
and Kyle says, "You don't sit here anymore."
I was like, "What?"
And he's like, "You're butt hole hair now."
I was like, "What?"
He's like, "Sit somewhere else, Butt Hole Hair."
I sat at like the second coolest kid's table,
and then the next day, like the third coolest kids' table.
And then from Monday until Friday,
I went from sitting with the cool kids
until I was sitting at a table with two people,
goth Jason and Ian of the hit joke, hey Ian.
And then it was the weekend
and I thought maybe things would reset.
I thought maybe this nightmare will be over
and I'll sit back at the cool kids' table.
And I walked into the lunchroom
and I walked past the cool kids' table
and I heard them saying my name.
But I kept on walking and then it got louder.
And so I stopped and I turned around
and I started walking towards 'em.
And I realized that it was Kyle leading to chant
that the entire table, they were saying,
"Kevin's gay all the way, Kevin's gay all the way."
And all of the tables joined in
until the entire lunchroom was saying,
"Kevin's gay all the way."
And still to this day,
it just shocks me that the teachers joined in, you know?
I just find that a bit inappropriate.
But I was keeping a journal
at that point in my life as well.
"Welp Journal, it's me."
Nothing good happens after someone says Welp.
"Welp Journal, it's me."
School sucks. It isn't fun with friends.
So you can imagine how bad it is when you have no friends,
no fun at all.
I hate homework. Plus everyone makes fun of me.
I do have a few friends not from school,
they are named Mom and Dad.
Ha ha, okay, that was funny.
Time for bed
"so I can wake up and have another horrible day."
I had to find new routes around the school
so that I didn't pass any of the cool kids anymore.
I knew exactly where they were at every moment.
And one day I forgot my homework
and I had to go to my locker.
And I knew that if I wasn't gone in the next 30 seconds,
Kyle was gonna be right behind me.
And I was fiddling with my combination.
And then all of a sudden I heard
from behind me, "Hey Doyle."
And I was like, just keep your head down.
Don't say anything. And he said, "Hey Doyle."
And I was like, just get your homework and leave.
And he said, "Hey Doyle."
And I turned around and I said, "What?"
And right as I said that a giant glob of spit
came and hit me right in the face.
And I said, don't react. And then I said, fuck it.
And I went and I punched him in the face.
And there was a principal who was standing there
right when it happened.
And he said, "You two, my office, now!"
Now it's important for the story that you know
that this principal's name was Mr. Yankoff.
This is his real name.
And there are people that tell me
that it's pronounced Yankoff, but we did not call him that
we called him Mr. Yankoff.
Actually learned that a lot of people's last names
come from their role in the community.
So if you are last name is Smith, you were a blacksmith.
If your last name is Carpenter,
your family were the carpenters.
Well, the Yankoffs absolute perverts. I mean disgusting.
I mean I enjoy it as much as the next guy,
but for that to be your role in the community.
Now Kyle would always make sure to express his last name.
He would always sound it. He like, "Yeah, Mr. Yankoff?"
And Mr. Yankoff couldn't express it back.
He couldn't say, "Don't say that."
'Cause he knew that it would open himself
being made fun of even more, okay?
But you could tell it always annoyed him.
And so we got to his office and he's sitting there
and he's like, "Both of you, Kyle,
you are suspended for five days, got it?"
And he's like, "Yeah, thanks Mr. Yankoff."
And he walked out. He said, "Kevin."
And I was like, "Yeah." He said, "Thank you.
I've been wanting to punch
"that fucking kid in the face all year."
I was like, "So I'm not in trouble?"
He is like, "Five days you're suspended.
You can't use violence to solve your problems."
So I didn't have any friends for months and months.
And I remember I was going to science class
with a teacher named Mr. Pepper.
Now Mr. Pepper, he didn't like
anyone having fun in his class.
He didn't like people becoming friends.
And I know that
because he would always move everyone around.
If you ever started talking to someone
and starting a friendship with them, he would separate you
and put you in a separate place.
And he moved everyone around.
And I ended up in the back next to goth Jason and me.
We were sitting back here
and we just happened to be sitting next to each other
on a very fateful day.
It was the day that the funniest thing
that had ever happened in our lives happened.
I know it's the funniest thing
because it's the funniest thing we have in the world.
What is it?
Fart. - Fart.
It's a fart.
It's all we got. We got the funniest thing in the world.
I could stand up here and write 60 minutes
of the funniest material ever.
And all that is just me trying to get
as close to what it's like when you just hear someone fart.
All striving for that.
But this wasn't just any fart, this was a very special fart
because Mr. Pepper was especially intense that day.
So he was like, "All right,
I want it absolutely silent in here, you got it?
We're taking a test today
and I don't wanna hear anything out of any of you."
You think that's funny?
Imagine it in the heads of a bunch of sixth graders.
It was absolute chaos. We weren't laughing.
There was just 30 kids. We'd be like,
I didn't know things could be so funny.
We're just busting up laughing.
Mr. Pepper's like, "All right guys, quiet down, stop, stop.
All right I want it quiet."
And someone's like, "You weren't just quiet just now."
And everyone's like, "Ah, you got him, you fucking got him."
Jason in the back looks over to me.
He was like, "I hope he doesn't die."
And I was like, "What?"
And he said, "Of a massive fart attack."
I was like "A fart attack.
It's like a heart attack, but with farts. That's hilarious."
Everyone is busting up laughing. He cannot control anyone.
So Mr. Pepper cancels the test.
He's like, "No test, we're gonna take it tomorrow."
And then he just sits there and he looks forward
with like wide eyes, just really like,
I'm the fart teacher from now on, my fucking life is over.
"When Kyle finds about this, I'm a dead man."
He leaves class, he comes in the next day and he's nice.
He's a nice teacher.
This fart changed the syllabus and his personality.
After class, I walked out
and me and Jason are standing in the hallway
and he's like, "That was really funny."
And I was like, "Yeah, that was really funny."
He's like, "Yeah, do you wanna hang out sometime?"
And I hadn't hung out with another kid my age for months.
I had no friends.
I didn't know if I'd ever have a friend again, to be honest.
And I looked at him
and he wasn't what I expected my friend would look like
when I was in the cool group, he was goth.
And he even had on a Metallica shirt
and I wasn't even allowed to listen to that band, you know?
So when he said, "Do you wanna hang out sometime?"
I don't know if I was overly excited or overly enthusiastic
but I just said,
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
"I would very much like to hang out sometime."
We hung out every single day that summer
we were inseparable
and he even taught me how to play guitar.
My dad played guitar for years and wanted to teach me.
And it was being friends with Jason
that made me want to start playing guitar.
And one day I'm hanging out with Jason
and my dad comes over to pick us up
and Jason's playing guitar, he was super good.
And my dad's like, "What are you playing?"
He said, "I'm playing Metallica."
My dad's like, "I like this song, I like Metallica."
Jason's like, "Do you wanna borrow the CD?"
And my dad borrowed the CD.
He started listening to Metallica.
Remember my dad was driving
around the car listening to Metallica.
My dad has a very weird playlist, okay?
It's just "Les Mis" and Metallica, he's like,
♪ Do you hear the people sing ♪
♪ Master, master, Master of Puppets is pulling your strings ♪
♪ Master of the house, keeper of the zoo ♪
I remember when I first went on stage,
in "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."
It was just a few months
after I had got kicked out of the cool group.
That's part of the reason why my mom wanted me to audition
for the school play so that I wasn't
on the basketball team with those guys.
And when I was in that show, it changed my life.
And I went on stage for the first time
and I fell in love with performing.
And I felt like I was doing what I was meant to be doing.
And I looked out during one of the songs and I made eyes.
And in the third row was all of the kids
that had made fun of me.
And there's this one scene
in "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown,"
about 20 minutes into the show
where he puts a bag over his head
and he gets to talk about how nervous he is
'cause he likes this girl.
And he was so embarrassed, he puts a bag over his head.
When the bag was over my head,
I was saying my lines out loud,
but I was actually thinking something completely different.
And you may wonder how I was able to do that.
It's because I let my lines come to me,
not me coming to my lines.
And I was saying my lines.
And in my head I was thinking, when I take this bag off,
I'm not gonna care about what those guys think of me.
And even if they're laughing,
it's not gonna bother me anymore.
And I took the bag off my head and I never looked back.
And I was in my hometown doing standup a few years ago,
and I was making the whole crowd laugh.
And then in the back I saw that Kyle,
the kid that had been making fun of me,
was in the back of the audience.
And I was like, "Is that Kyle?" And it was.
And I just put my head down.
I took a deep breath and I continued my set.
And after the show was done, Kyle came up to me
and he said, "Hey man, I didn't know you were a comedian."
I was like, "Thanks, how'd you hear about the show?"
He's like, "I'm just a comedy fan and I came to the show,
but great job." I was like, "Thanks."
And he said, "I'm really sorry for how we treated you.
That was really fucked up."
And I was like, "Thanks for saying that."
And he gave me a hug and he said,
"You know, I don't want to be flippant or anything,
but maybe if that wouldn't have happened to you,
you wouldn't have become a comedian
and told jokes and stuff."
And I was like, "Thanks for saying that Kyle",
but these weren't jokes and I'm not a comedian.
I'm nothing more than an artist
"who is painting on this palette that we call the stage."
Thank you guys very much.