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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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How are you? Sit down.
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Thank you.
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All right, Chicago. Let's do this!
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Good to be here, Chicago.
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I travel all over the country, of course,
doing gigs all over the world, doing gigs.
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I... I was recently in Washington, DC,
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and one of my fans
gave me a tour of the Capitol, right?
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I got a tour of the Capitol.
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Of course,
I could've just run in there, but...
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Ah!
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In the Capitol...
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You might not know this,
but in the Capitol, there are two statues
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for every state
in the United States of America.
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Every state gets two statues
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of what their best people are
from their state, right?
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Mississippi are about to lose
one of their statues.
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Jefferson Davis.
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He's being lost
for historical unpleasantness.
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And he's being replaced now
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with Johnny Cash.
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Which is weird
because Johnny Cash fucking sucks.
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He is the most overrated artist
in American history.
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And if you like Johnny Cash,
you're a fucking fraud and a liar.
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More of you have
a T-shirt of him going like this
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than have bought a fucking album.
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None of you can name
a fucking album of his!
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He had four fucking songs,
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and those songs were fucking shit.
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"Ring of Fire," "I Walk the Line,"
"A Boy Called Sue," hilarious.
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And that one about the prison.
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I've lived in this country
for 17 years, right?
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I've never stopped at the lights
and had a convertible drive up next to me...
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He's a fucking hack, Johnny Cash.
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You call him "the Man in Black."
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He was just a fat cunt
trying to look slim.
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We all do it. I'm 300 pounds.
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What was his catchphrase?
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"Hi."
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"I'm Johnny Cash."
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Ooh! What a wordsmith, eh?
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How did you come up with it, Johnny?
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"Well, I went, 'Hi,'
and then I said, 'I'm,'
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and then I said my name."
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His biggest concert was in a prison,
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and that's because the crowd
couldn't fucking leave.
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They went into the cells
and went to the prisoners,
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"Now, you can go out
and watch the Johnny Cash concert,
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or you can stay in your cell
and get raped."
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But at least he wrote a few songs,
and some people do like him.
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At least in the entertainment business,
he's better than a fucking actor.
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Actors are the lowest rung
in the entertainment--
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They are the most useless cunts
in the entertainment b--
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What I do is far harder
than what actors do.
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Jugglers are above fucking actors, right?
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When you watch a juggler,
you think to yourself,
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"Oh, it would take a while to learn that."
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Not acting.
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I'm in a movie that's coming out.
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I haven't had
any acting lessons or nothing.
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They didn't ask if I could act.
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They just assumed I could
'cause it's fucking easy.
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Three times,
a ten-year-old has won an Oscar.
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Think about that.
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If a ten-year-old was to walk out
right now and grab this microphone,
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how confident would you be
in this evening's performance?
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Think about your occupation.
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Is there a ten-year-old
who's not just as good as you
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but what you aspire to be?
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And they don't respect comedians.
They don't respect comedy, right?
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To win an Oscar is...
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You can win Oscars for best dramatic role,
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best drama.
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There is no Oscar for comedy.
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There is no Oscar
for best comic performance.
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But who has to host the Oscars?
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A comedian.
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Because they need the show
to be entertaining.
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Then we make a joke about one of them,
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and they slap us.
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Actors...
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...are fucking cunts, mate.
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Actors are cunts.
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Pretentious people.
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Pretentious.
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Austin Butler played Elvis Presley
years ago now.
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A couple of years ago,
played Elvis Presley.
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The cunt's still talking like Elvis.
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He hasn't stopped talking like Elvis.
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He was in an interview about another movie
he just did a couple of months ago,
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and in the interview he goes...
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..."I had a real good time
making that movie."
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"That was a real good film."
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And the interviewer went,
"Hey, you're still talking like Elvis."
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And he went,
"Am I? Haven't noticed. Ah... I..."
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"I was in character for so long,
I... I'm finding Elvis hard to shake off."
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"I was in character for so long,
I'm finding Elvis hard to shake off."
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You pretentious pretty-boy fuck.
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Could it be that Elvis was
the coolest guy that ever lived?
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I'll tell you what actor
isn't finding it hard
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to shake off his character.
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The bloke who played Dahmer.
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I reckon...
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I reckon, the bloke
who played Jeffrey Dahmer,
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the second he got home,
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he was straight back to being Tim
or whoever the fuck he is.
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It's not like I'll be at a party in LA,
and I'll be talking to a girl I know,
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and I'll be like,
"Hey, I got a friend coming."
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"He's a great guy. He's an actor.
I think you two will hit it off."
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"Oh! Here he comes right now."
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"Yeah, he played Hitler
in a movie two years ago."
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"He's finding Hitler hard to shake off."
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"We took him to a bar mitzvah.
He's a fucking nightmare, to be honest."
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Acting's changed over the years.
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You have to play who you are
in a movie now.
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You can't play
outside of who you are, right?
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So, you, like...
You watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, right?
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Mickey Rooney playing an Asian fella.
He wasn't Asian, right?
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Yeah, you can't do different faces. Yeah?
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They're saying now that only gay actors
should play gay roles, right?
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So heterosexuals
aren't allowed to play gay,
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but gay people are allowed to play gay,
or they're allowed to act straight.
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But can they?
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Not all of them are pulling it off. Ah!
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Did you watch
that Menendez brothers thing on Netflix?
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Nathan Lane's character in that show
is a heterosexual.
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He was like this,
"Those boys killed that person."
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But you're not allowed to do blackface.
You don't do blackface.
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I've never done blackface
for three good reasons.
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It's wrong.
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Would ruin a T-shirt.
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Et cetera.
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But I don't condemn people
who did blackface before, say, 9/11.
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That's my cutoff for blackface.
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If they did blackface after 9/11,
that's wrong.
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Before 9/11, that's okay.
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That's how I remember 9/11. Now...
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The reason I say that
is because in the '90s, Ted Danson--
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Ted Danson, in my opinion,
is the greatest sitcom star of all time.
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Longest-gevity. Still in him today.
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Back to Cheers, still in him today, right?
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Ted Danson, in the '90s,
dated Whoopi Goldberg.
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That's not the weird bit but...
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Ted Danson dated Whoopi Goldberg.
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They had a roast of Whoopi Goldberg
at the Friars Club,
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and at Whoopi Goldberg's request,
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Ted Danson did blackface.
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Now, when you get home,
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google "Ted Danson blackface"
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because it does not disappoint.
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If you're a fan of blackface...
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...this is Michelin Star blackface.
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But if you like to get on the Internet
and get really angry...
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...it'll scratch that itch as well.
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No one loses
when they google "Ted Danson blackface."
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Now, a friend of mine... a friend of mine
had never seen Ted Danson blackface,
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so I show him Ted Danson blackface,
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we make our comments,
and we move on with our day.
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Cut to two, three days later.
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I'm at home, and I'm lying on the sofa.
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I'm watching TV.
It's the middle of the day, right?
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My three-year-old
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is off at another
three-year-old's birthday with the nanny.
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My 12-year-old is at school.
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My wife walks in the room
and says she's going to Whole Foods.
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My wife fucking loves Whole Foods.
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She'll be gone
for at least an hour, right?
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Now, if you're a father like me
with a young family,
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you'll know what I'm talking about.
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Very rare you get the house
to yourself, right?
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I wait till she leaves
and wait a little bit longer,
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and then I hitch me pants down.
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I'm gonna have myself
a carefree wank, right?
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It's very rare, the carefree wank.
You know the one. You're like this.
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"I'm gonna leave the volume on."
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I'm not gonna scurry away to the toilet
like a fucking animal.
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I bought this cunting house,
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and I'll ejaculate
wherever the fuck I want.
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I'm gonna come here in the living room!
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Next to the kitchen.
I don't give a fuck, right?
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So I've selected me porn.
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I'm starting to get some meat in me cock.
I'm going good.
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I'm a few minutes in. My wife comes back.
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She's forgotten somethin', right?
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The fucking Tesla fucked me over,
didn't it?
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Back in the day,
you used to get a bit of warning.
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Do you know how many loud engines
have saved marriages?
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So...
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My wife walks in,
and we just fucking lock eyes. Just...
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And I panic,
and I quickly delete the porn.
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00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:24,391
My wife thinks I'm up to no good.
She runs over. She grabs my phone.
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And all she sees
is Ted Danson in blackface.
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And she looks at the picture.
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And she looks at my cock...
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And then she looks me dead in the eye,
and she goes,
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"I'm in."
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00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:54,380
'Cause my wife's a... a fucking racist.
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00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,346
My wife-- I mentioned this in my last bit.
My wife's...
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Um, my wife's a, um...
visually, an Indian person.
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00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:08,977
And, um...
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00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,063
But she has a British accent.
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00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:16,527
Which is weird because it never goes
the other way, does it? You never...
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I know it sounds racist, but...
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I... I've searched the Internet.
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Until you find me some white chick
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00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:27,912
who went to India for six months
and came back, and...
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00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,790
I won't do the voice, but...
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It is true. It's never...
never gone the other way.
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00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:40,842
So, I've never done the blackface,
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but there is a face that I do do
and I have done.
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00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,931
There are many photos of me
doing this face.
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00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:50,268
And this is a very cancelable face,
so I can be in a lot of trouble for this,
214
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:53,313
but I've sent so many photographs
of me doing this face to others that...
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00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,441
...I just have to fess up to it, right? So...
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00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,902
In my home,
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00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,988
in my private life,
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00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,908
I enjoy doing Hitler face.
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00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,707
Fuck you, Chicago. Fuck you.
220
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:16,587
That tepid fucking laugh.
Go fuck yourselves.
221
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,839
Your... your silence was fucking deafening.
222
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,676
How dare you, you bunch of fucking frauds?
223
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:26,179
I said "Hitler face,"
and you all sat there like this.
224
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,223
"What is this Hitler face?"
225
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,433
"I don't know what he speaks of."
Fuck you.
226
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:33,186
Every single man
and/or hairy woman in this room
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00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:36,606
has done Hitler face,
and you fucking know it.
228
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,316
You might not leave the house with it,
229
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,318
but when it's just you
in the bathroom mirror,
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00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,695
you've fucking done it.
231
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:46,407
When you're shaving off a beard,
you don't shave this bit first, do you?
232
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:50,162
You always leave it till the end.
233
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,874
You get down to a full Tom Selleck,
234
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,293
and then you look around...
235
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,631
...and you go swipe, swipe,
236
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,676
and you push a bit of hair down.
237
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:15,187
It's a lot of fun
that doesn't fucking hurt anyone!
238
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,608
My wife never knows when it's coming.
239
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,362
I'll just come down the stairs,
240
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,907
and she'll look up,
and she'll go, "Oh fuck."
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00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:29,660
"Hitler's here."
242
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:34,330
I always do it at the end of a tour.
I grow a beard out over the tour.
243
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:38,294
At the end of the tour, I come home,
and I Hitler up for about three days.
244
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,379
And my wife thinks that I do Hitler face
245
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,340
because I find it funny
and because it upsets her,
246
00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,968
and although these things are true...
247
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:48,011
Uh...
248
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:53,434
...the real reason I do Hitler face is
so that I won't have to do the school run.
249
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:57,271
All right.
250
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,773
She can't send me on errands, man.
251
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:03,861
We live in Hollywood,
and I'm fucking Hitler!
252
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,282
Now, I've been told... Like...
253
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:12,535
We know why blackface is racist
and what's wrong with blackface,
254
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:15,204
and I've been told
that doing Hitler face is antisemitic.
255
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:18,082
If there are Jewish people
watching at home and in the room, please,
256
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,084
I have no issue with Jewish people.
257
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,129
I am not making fun of Jewish people.
258
00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:26,091
I am making fun of Hitler.
259
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,178
I don't take it seriously.
260
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,931
I haven't bought an outfit.
261
00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:39,021
I don't stand in the corner
and give rousing speeches.
262
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,608
I don't do the salute.
263
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,860
My wife does the salute.
264
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,196
I'm Hitler.
265
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:52,992
Whoo!
266
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,744
And why can't...
267
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,537
Please tell me why.
268
00:15:56,538 --> 00:16:00,084
Why can't I have
a little fucking mustache?
269
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,919
I'm not allowed a little square mustache
270
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,215
because one cunt, 80 years ago,
had a little fucking mustache.
271
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:11,135
Now none of us are ever allowed
a little fucking mustache again?
272
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,180
That's very Nazi of ya.
273
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,140
What if it would suit me?
274
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:20,312
What if that's the missing puzzle piece
of my awkward fucking face?
275
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:25,901
What if I get a little mustache,
and boom, three to a seven just like that?
276
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,989
But I can't 'cause fucking Hitler had one.
277
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:34,868
You women better hope the next genocide
doesn't happen from a woman with bangs.
278
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:42,250
Then none of you
would be allowed fucking bangs.
279
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,294
You'd be done, you fucking Nazi.
280
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:51,343
You'd show up at a party with a fringe,
and everyone would be like,
281
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:55,222
"What the fuck
do you think you're doing, Jenny?"
282
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,266
"Why? Huh!"
283
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:58,726
"Everyone!"
284
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:03,480
"Jenny wants to know
why she can't have bangs, everyone. Oh!"
285
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:05,648
"I don't know."
286
00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:09,528
"Could it be because Tiffany killed
eight million Romanians?"
287
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:16,452
"They had to change the name
of the jewelry store, you bitch."
288
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:24,209
But I'm not a Nazi.
289
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:26,420
I'm a nice fella.
290
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,922
I'm supportive to all.
291
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,176
I'm a big fan of the LGBTQA community.
292
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:38,389
If you're in this room
and a member of the LGBTQA community,
293
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,474
you're welcome here.
294
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,393
Big fan of the LGBTQA community.
295
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,104
But I have decided
296
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,940
that the plus can go fuck themselves.
297
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,652
If whatever you are
298
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:55,199
didn't make it into
that initial grouping of letters...
299
00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,828
...time's up, plus.
300
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,164
Hey, plus,
301
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:04,874
you're fucking weird.
302
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,294
Stay away from my kids.
303
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:14,550
Like, you can't just slap
a plus on the end
304
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:16,803
and expect my support.
305
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,264
I need more information.
306
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:23,351
Like, if I was doing a job interview,
and I'd be like,
307
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:27,855
"It says here on your application
that you were incarcerated for a while."
308
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,483
"What was all that about?"
309
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:30,984
"Ah..."
310
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,196
"Tax evasion plus."
311
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:40,702
"But you were in prison for 15 years!"
312
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,664
"I did a lot of plus."
313
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:49,377
Like, plus is an umbrella
you can have to get away with shit.
314
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:54,090
By these standards,
now Disney can start showing pornography.
315
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,884
Because of Disney+.
316
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:07,770
And when I say I support
everyone in the LGBTQA community...
317
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:08,981
Ah...
318
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:15,279
Not all of them.
319
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,657
The vast majority, I'm a big fan of.
320
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,869
The vast majority, but some of 'em...
321
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:23,619
Uh... Okay.
322
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,706
The "A" has just been added.
323
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:27,665
The "A" stands for...
324
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,876
- Does anyone know what the "A" stands for?
- A...
325
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,961
Asexuals. It's just been brought in.
326
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,087
Asexuals.
327
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,258
These are people
who have no interest in fucking.
328
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,260
They haven't fucked in the past,
329
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:42,305
and they don't plan
on fucking in the future.
330
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,349
And they need our support.
331
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,733
Does everyone need to be special?
I... Well, I'm...
332
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,319
I'm an Australian
who grew up near the beach.
333
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,737
I've never surfed.
334
00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:01,908
I haven't surfed in the past.
I won't be surfing in the future.
335
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,660
Can I have your support?
336
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,580
Like, fuck me.
337
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:10,333
Like, if you're asexual, right,
338
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:12,376
there is no struggle.
339
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,170
There's no struggle.
340
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:18,424
You... you haven't been persecuted against.
341
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,885
Not even in a fucking movie
342
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,553
have I seen someone go,
343
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:26,558
"I hear there's a guy in the park
who doesn't wanna fuck anything."
344
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:34,733
"Let's get him!"
345
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,695
Like, fuck me!
346
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:42,573
You don't wanna fuck anything.
347
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:46,535
Congratulations!
What a wonderful position to be in.
348
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:49,289
And maybe you should be in a group, but...
349
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,335
You don't wanna be
in a group with the gays.
350
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:59,131
You have nothing in common with the gays.
351
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:02,719
You are the opposite of the gays.
352
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,806
The gays love to fuck.
353
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,850
It's their whole thing.
354
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:12,436
They fucking love fucking.
355
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:16,232
Now, obviously, I'm talking about gay men.
I don't know how lesbians fuck.
356
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,069
I assume they punch each other
till one of them comes.
357
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:22,990
But gay men...
358
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,494
No one throughout history
359
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:32,957
has put more time and effort
into fucking than homosexual men.
360
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,876
Throughout hi--
Still illegal in many countries.
361
00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:37,086
Still illegal.
362
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,547
Right up until the 1960s,
in most countries,
363
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:42,091
you could be imprisoned
for being a homosexual.
364
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:43,635
And guess what they did.
365
00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:49,932
They kept fucking!
366
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:52,768
A disproportionate amount
of homeless people are homosexual
367
00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:54,770
because they get disowned
by family members
368
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:58,441
and pushed out of home at a young age,
and they have to live on the streets.
369
00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:01,277
All for their right to keep fucking.
370
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,864
In the 1980s...
371
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:12,080
...a lot of them were getting real thin.
372
00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:23,216
AIDS. The original Ozempic.
373
00:22:28,972 --> 00:22:30,598
They were getting thin.
374
00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:32,391
No one knew why.
375
00:22:32,392 --> 00:22:34,685
They thought it might've been the fucking...
376
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,562
...but they weren't sure.
377
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:38,272
So what did they do?
378
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:39,733
They kept fucking.
379
00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:43,944
And the asexuals have the audacity...
380
00:22:43,945 --> 00:22:47,114
the audacity to think
that they can be in a group
381
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:48,866
with the homosexuals.
382
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:53,246
The asexuals have more in common
with married heterosexuals.
383
00:22:56,583 --> 00:23:00,253
They can come and join the H+ community.
384
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:04,758
Look.
385
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:07,677
People at home, people in the room...
386
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,972
If you are asexual,
387
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:13,349
I truly mean this,
388
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,018
congratulations.
389
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,022
What a fucking privilege that must be.
390
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:21,191
Do you know...
391
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,193
Do you know
392
00:23:23,860 --> 00:23:25,070
how much trouble...
393
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,491
...this fucking thing has gotten me into?
394
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:35,455
Do you know
how many friendships I've ruined...
395
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:40,001
...how many job opportunities
I haven't gotten...
396
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:44,256
...how much child support I pay...
397
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:49,386
...how many houses I've given away
398
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:51,888
because of this fucking thing?
399
00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:55,433
And you're at work, all focused,
400
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:57,936
and enjoying your hobbies on the weekend.
401
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:00,981
Go fuck yourself, A!
402
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,358
But they won't.
403
00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:17,998
Next letter I'm not happy with.
404
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,376
The Bs.
405
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:24,128
I have a friend, uh...
406
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:28,549
I had a female friend who was bis--
She still is a bisexual woman, I assume.
407
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:32,553
Uh... She started a web page up
for bisexual women.
408
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:36,724
Just for bisexual women to raise awareness
409
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:39,810
and to give support to bisexual women.
410
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:42,396
And she asked
if I would donate some money.
411
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:44,107
And I said I wouldn't.
412
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:48,028
Because we're all very aware.
413
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:52,365
They're the most watched thing
on the Internet.
414
00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:02,334
And as for support...
415
00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:07,380
No one has put more time and effort...
416
00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:11,843
...into supporting that community
than this guy here.
417
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,764
If there was ever
a bisexual woman in need,
418
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:19,142
I always put out a helping hand.
419
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:26,106
Like, fuck me, has there ever been
a group in our society
420
00:25:26,107 --> 00:25:32,113
who is more revered and less condemned
than bisexual women?
421
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:37,327
If you're a bisexual woman in this room
and you're finding life hard...
422
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:39,788
...that's on you.
423
00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:44,793
We have done everything,
424
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:47,587
everything to lift you people up.
425
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:52,341
I've never heard a conversation
even close to this
426
00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:54,426
between two heterosexual men.
427
00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:56,137
I'll do a bit of acting for you.
428
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:05,271
"So, how's things going
with the, uh, new girlfriend?"
429
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:07,399
"It's been about eight months, right?"
430
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:09,693
"Ah!"
431
00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:12,821
"It was going good
432
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:16,366
until the other day when she, uh,
433
00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:20,704
asked to bring another girl
into the bedroom."
434
00:26:35,176 --> 00:26:38,722
"I just vomited in my mouth
and swallowed it again."
435
00:26:40,473 --> 00:26:42,475
"But you're my best friend,
436
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:46,521
so no matter how hard
it is for me to hear,
437
00:26:47,647 --> 00:26:49,482
tell me every single detail."
438
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,656
"Well, it started out pretty good."
439
00:26:57,532 --> 00:27:01,327
"One of them was sucking me cock,
and the other one was licking me balls,
440
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:04,914
and it... and it was a different feeling,
but one that I enjoyed."
441
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,836
"And then I ejaculated
into the girl's mouth,
442
00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:13,465
and, uh, that's when sex is over."
443
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:17,636
"Man comes. Sex is over."
444
00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:24,601
"But it wasn't over."
445
00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:30,774
"The girls started kissing each other,
446
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,986
swapping the cum from mouth to mouth
447
00:27:35,987 --> 00:27:37,489
to mouth to mouth."
448
00:27:38,865 --> 00:27:41,242
"And it was so confusing...
449
00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:46,289
...because they were both girls."
450
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:56,675
"Yuck!"
451
00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:02,013
End scene. I...
452
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:12,731
Like, obviously,
that's a ridiculous situation.
453
00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:15,651
That conversation's never gonna happen
anywhere in the world,
454
00:28:15,652 --> 00:28:18,904
but it still was relatable
in some way, right?
455
00:28:18,905 --> 00:28:22,116
You still got the i...
the premise of the whole thing
456
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,536
because, you kn... Look.
457
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:28,038
Men are good people.
458
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:30,457
Whoo!
459
00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:32,001
We have good hearts.
460
00:28:32,836 --> 00:28:34,129
Men are good people.
461
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:35,630
And women
462
00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:37,382
are not.
463
00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:40,760
Like,
464
00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:45,222
if you're a homosexual man in this room,
465
00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:48,976
and you're here
with one of your female friends...
466
00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:51,438
...they're not your friend.
467
00:28:53,314 --> 00:28:58,528
They may gossip with you.
They may even let you cut their hair, but...
468
00:29:00,029 --> 00:29:03,032
...at the end of the day,
when it comes down to it,
469
00:29:03,616 --> 00:29:05,242
they're not your friend.
470
00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:06,161
See,
471
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:13,792
if I was to come home, walk into my house,
come upstairs, and walk into my bedroom
472
00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:18,548
to find my wife licking out
another woman on our marital bed,
473
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,259
I would lead with love.
474
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,972
Sure, there'd be the initial confusion,
475
00:29:26,973 --> 00:29:30,143
but that would be quickly replaced
with acceptance.
476
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:35,148
And then, dare I say it,
477
00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:36,733
pride.
478
00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:42,155
Because I'm a good person
with a... a good heart.
479
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:45,199
You can try and change me.
480
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:49,077
People have tried to do it in the past,
and they've always failed.
481
00:29:49,078 --> 00:29:50,330
I'm just good.
482
00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:04,844
But I sucked one cock in front of my wife!
483
00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:13,895
I did it as a surprise for her!
484
00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:19,983
I live in Los Angeles.
I paid a homeless bloke 60 bucks.
485
00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:23,238
I know I overpaid. I know!
486
00:30:24,781 --> 00:30:28,367
We were upstairs in the room,
waiting for her to come home.
487
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:32,372
We heard her come in, and then we're like,
"She's here! Shush! Shut up!"
488
00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:37,335
"Come upstairs!"
489
00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:44,926
"Come upstairs! I have a surprise for ya!"
490
00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:48,804
And she was coming up,
and then I was like this,
491
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:51,099
"One, two, three," and I went down.
492
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,560
Then he starts fucking my mouth, right?
493
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:57,479
He's... he's banging my throat, right?
494
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,568
My head's against the wall.
I couldn't have stopped him if I tried.
495
00:31:03,444 --> 00:31:06,738
He's throat-fucking me. She walks in.
496
00:31:06,739 --> 00:31:09,783
I keep eye contact with her
'cause this is all for her.
497
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:11,869
So I'm just like this.
498
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:15,790
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
499
00:31:19,502 --> 00:31:22,964
Then he pulled out,
and he came all over me face.
500
00:31:23,756 --> 00:31:25,549
And I turned to her, and I went,
501
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,260
"Happy anniversary!"
502
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:30,221
And I stood up,
503
00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:32,348
and I went to kiss her.
504
00:31:34,267 --> 00:31:37,020
I know. I know. She fucking backed away.
505
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,899
She fucking... She went like this...
506
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:45,153
And that's when I realized.
I was like, "Huh!"
507
00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:50,909
"You're a homophobe."
508
00:31:54,954 --> 00:31:58,708
That's my wife.
She's a fucking racist homophobe.
509
00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:02,461
If you ever see me and my wife
walking down the street,
510
00:32:02,462 --> 00:32:05,006
yell out, "Racist homophobe."
511
00:32:09,552 --> 00:32:10,720
Not like me.
512
00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:15,391
I'm a fucking... I'm a good person, me.
513
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:20,103
I'll tell you what.
I did a sitcom 12 years ago called Legit.
514
00:32:20,104 --> 00:32:23,941
And Legit had like loads-- That's-- Fine.
515
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:24,859
Yeah.
516
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:28,111
Legit had loads of disabled actors.
517
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:31,657
And I don't think they were treated
in a way that was demeaning or anything.
518
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:34,117
They were always in on the joke.
They had real lines
519
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:37,037
where they were being funny,
not tragic figures in any way.
520
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:37,996
And over the years,
521
00:32:37,997 --> 00:32:40,999
I've tried to stay in contact
with many of those actors, right?
522
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,501
And if I do a charity gig...
523
00:32:42,502 --> 00:32:46,171
I do charity gigs for disabled charities
and stuff like that. Right?
524
00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:48,674
Big fan of the disabled community, right?
525
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:51,343
A guy wrote to me a while back,
526
00:32:51,344 --> 00:32:54,054
and he wrote,
"Hey, I'm coming to your show."
527
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:57,557
Uh, "I'm with my uncle. He's disabled."
528
00:32:57,558 --> 00:32:59,935
"Can we come backstage and meet you?"
529
00:32:59,936 --> 00:33:03,481
Now, you can't write back, "How disabled?"
530
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:12,156
And... and it's... and it's rude
to ask for a photo, right? So...
531
00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:17,202
So... Look, anyway, I truly mean this.
I truly mean this.
532
00:33:17,203 --> 00:33:20,664
If you are in this room
and you are disabled,
533
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:23,208
at the end of this show,
speak to the security.
534
00:33:23,209 --> 00:33:27,170
I will come out and meet you,
or you can come down to the dressing room.
535
00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:29,965
And I'll give you a drink and a photo,
and we'll hang out.
536
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:30,924
Okay?
537
00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:32,217
- Whoo!
- Hey, whoa.
538
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,636
Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
539
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,432
If you're clapping,
you're not disabled enough!
540
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:43,812
I can't be having fuckers
come down with dyslexia.
541
00:33:43,813 --> 00:33:46,773
Or I'll be there all fucking day.
542
00:33:46,774 --> 00:33:51,112
There has to be a limit to my generosity,
you fucking cunts, so...
543
00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:56,492
This is how disabled you have to be
to get a photo with me.
544
00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:01,414
Of course, we have the hits.
545
00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:05,167
If you are blind,
you must have a dog or a stick.
546
00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:07,794
Then I'll take a photo with you.
547
00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:11,423
Of course, if you are deaf,
I will take a photo with you.
548
00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:14,010
I don't know why the fuck you're here...
549
00:34:16,345 --> 00:34:17,388
...but I'll do it.
550
00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:22,350
If you're confined to a wheelchair,
of course I'm gonna have a photo with you.
551
00:34:22,351 --> 00:34:24,395
Now, they're the classics, right?
552
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:30,109
Otherwise, if you're not any of those,
I have a two limb policy.
553
00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:36,073
It can't be one limb.
You can't be just shit on a motorbike.
554
00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:38,158
I need two fucking limbs.
555
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,160
Two limb policy.
556
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:44,165
Those limbs have to either be missing,
557
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:46,209
doing nothing...
558
00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:49,128
...or doing everything.
559
00:34:54,008 --> 00:34:57,220
Missing, nothing, everything.
560
00:34:58,346 --> 00:34:59,180
Now...
561
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:04,519
They don't need to be the same limbs.
562
00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:06,854
We can mix and match.
563
00:35:08,564 --> 00:35:11,441
If you're paralyzed from the waist down,
of course I will see you.
564
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:14,569
Maybe you're paralyzed from the waist up?
565
00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:17,322
Then you can riverdance
your way fucking up to me.
566
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:20,450
Maybe you've had a stroke.
567
00:35:20,451 --> 00:35:22,953
And your left-hand side's all fucked up.
568
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:25,122
Well, if so, lucky you!
569
00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:26,707
You get to meet me.
570
00:35:29,585 --> 00:35:33,171
Now, not all disabilities are physical.
571
00:35:33,172 --> 00:35:35,215
Of course not all disabilities
are physical.
572
00:35:35,216 --> 00:35:39,303
So, if you are severely autistic,
573
00:35:41,097 --> 00:35:41,931
not enough.
574
00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:48,854
I was taking, uh,
photos with the "severely autistic,"
575
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:52,149
and half of them
were just a little bit fucking autistic.
576
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:55,694
They were autisticing up for the security,
and then I met them,
577
00:35:55,695 --> 00:35:57,904
and they were just fucking Star Trek fans.
578
00:35:57,905 --> 00:36:00,992
They were nothing, right?
579
00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:07,832
But I will count autism as one limb.
580
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:15,297
So, if you have autism,
581
00:36:15,298 --> 00:36:17,507
with, like, a thalidomide arm,
582
00:36:17,508 --> 00:36:19,135
I can work with that.
583
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:24,222
Now, I'll stop talking about it now,
but here's the minimum...
584
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:28,269
here's the minimum level of disability
you can be to meet me.
585
00:36:28,978 --> 00:36:31,355
You'll know
if you're higher or lower than this.
586
00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:34,817
Lobster hand.
587
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,405
And I'm a sucker for a lazy eye.
588
00:36:40,406 --> 00:36:43,408
So...
589
00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:45,952
If you have a real good lazy eye,
590
00:36:45,953 --> 00:36:49,081
if you have one
that really darts off to the side,
591
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:53,002
like, if when people talk to you,
they do this...
592
00:36:58,341 --> 00:36:59,884
...then I'd like to meet you.
593
00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:03,221
I'll see you after the show.
594
00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:07,641
I, um... I've been living
in America for a long time.
595
00:37:07,642 --> 00:37:10,352
I still...
I still consider myself to be Australian,
596
00:37:10,353 --> 00:37:13,230
but I also do consider myself
to be American.
597
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,731
America's a wonderful place.
598
00:37:14,732 --> 00:37:17,692
You get a hard time sometimes,
but you're a wonderful place.
599
00:37:17,693 --> 00:37:22,697
Think of all the amazing inventions
that come out of the USA.
600
00:37:22,698 --> 00:37:24,951
You invented the airplane.
601
00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:27,995
Et cetera, right? All these...
602
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:33,124
I think your greatest invention...
603
00:37:33,125 --> 00:37:37,713
I think your greatest invention
is gay conversion therapy.
604
00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:45,178
Wonderful! You don't like something
about yourself, you go off to the church,
605
00:37:45,179 --> 00:37:48,181
and you pray, pray, pray
until eventually, it goes away.
606
00:37:48,182 --> 00:37:51,560
I'm a big fan of gay conversion therapy.
607
00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:53,770
I love me some gay con--
608
00:37:53,771 --> 00:37:57,857
I'm a big fan of gay conversion therapy
609
00:37:57,858 --> 00:38:01,946
but only from heterosexual to gay.
610
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:07,909
Because I've been
heterosexual for 48 years,
611
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:09,536
and let me tell you something.
612
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:11,037
It can't be natural.
613
00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:14,040
Men and women shouldn't be together.
We have absolutely nothing in common.
614
00:38:14,041 --> 00:38:17,377
We don't enjoy each other's company,
and every fuckin' day is a struggle.
615
00:38:17,378 --> 00:38:19,254
Every fuckin' day
616
00:38:19,255 --> 00:38:20,797
is a fucking compromise.
617
00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:24,592
Compromise. Compromise. Compromise.
Compromise. Compromise. Compromise.
618
00:38:24,593 --> 00:38:26,846
It fucking sucks...
619
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:29,055
...to be heterosexual.
620
00:38:29,056 --> 00:38:32,809
I can see you all
in your heterosexual couples, right?
621
00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:36,689
One of you is having a good time,
the other one not so much, right?
622
00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:40,400
So, eventually, you have to turn
to that person and go...
623
00:38:40,401 --> 00:38:42,986
..."We'll do one of your things next time."
624
00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:44,362
"Okay."
625
00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:46,614
"We'll do one of my things next time."
626
00:38:46,615 --> 00:38:50,118
"So we'll do a good thing, a shit thing,
a good thing, a shit thing,
627
00:38:50,119 --> 00:38:51,911
till we fucking die!"
628
00:38:51,912 --> 00:38:54,332
"Because we're heterosexuals."
629
00:38:54,957 --> 00:38:57,459
It fucking sucks to be heterosexual.
630
00:38:57,460 --> 00:39:01,130
I fight against it every fuckin' day!
631
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:05,092
Do you think
I would choose this lifestyle?
632
00:39:06,427 --> 00:39:10,473
Do you... do you think
this is what I want for my sons?
633
00:39:12,767 --> 00:39:15,060
I try to bury it down in me!
634
00:39:15,061 --> 00:39:17,812
I'm like, "No, no, not today!"
635
00:39:17,813 --> 00:39:20,231
"Not today, Jim. Not today!"
636
00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:23,611
And then a girl walks by in boots,
and I go...
637
00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:27,490
And I fucking hate meself!
638
00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:29,407
Whoo!
639
00:39:29,408 --> 00:39:31,159
Have you seen a gay pride parade?
640
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,661
Have you seen a guy
in his underwear with a flag
641
00:39:33,662 --> 00:39:35,706
just walking down the street like this?
642
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:42,046
I've never seen a heterosexual
that happy in my fucking life.
643
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:50,220
That's why there...
644
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,806
That's why there's
no heterosexual pride parades.
645
00:39:52,807 --> 00:39:55,476
'Cause there's fucking nothing
to be proud of.
646
00:39:57,895 --> 00:39:59,855
Like, I truly mean this, like...
647
00:40:00,731 --> 00:40:04,485
Okay, if you're a homosexual in this room
648
00:40:05,361 --> 00:40:07,571
and you have heterosexual friends,
649
00:40:08,739 --> 00:40:09,740
reach out.
650
00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:16,872
We need allies now more than ever.
651
00:40:19,542 --> 00:40:22,503
Like, I'll tell you the worst bit
about being heterosexual.
652
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:24,588
We have children.
653
00:40:25,965 --> 00:40:27,048
We have babies.
654
00:40:27,049 --> 00:40:29,134
Now, that response, I can tell you all,
655
00:40:29,135 --> 00:40:32,680
"Jim, I think you'll find that gay people
can have children as well."
656
00:40:33,180 --> 00:40:34,557
Not by accident!
657
00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:41,604
I don't wanna hear
the plight of another homosexual
658
00:40:41,605 --> 00:40:44,024
until they have an accidental child.
659
00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:46,234
You think it's stressful
660
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:49,530
leaving your cock
in someone's asshole and ejaculating?
661
00:40:50,072 --> 00:40:51,824
Try coming in a cunt...
662
00:40:53,742 --> 00:40:56,912
...and see how calm you are
for the next month.
663
00:40:59,748 --> 00:41:02,292
I'd fucking love to be gay.
664
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:05,504
I would fucking love to be gay.
665
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:07,465
I don't-- Look.
666
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,217
I don't really wanna be gay.
667
00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:12,928
I just really want a husband.
668
00:41:17,391 --> 00:41:19,726
Husbands are so good, aren't they?
669
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:22,187
They're the fucking best, husbands.
670
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:24,689
They're the best.
They do shit for you and stuff.
671
00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:25,899
They're fucking good.
672
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,151
Look at all you women with your husbands.
673
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:30,278
Look at you, hey? You lucky ducks.
674
00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:32,238
Hey, hey, you!
675
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:35,493
You must wake up in the morning
and fucking skip to work.
676
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:38,411
If you work.
677
00:41:38,412 --> 00:41:39,455
Right?
678
00:41:43,083 --> 00:41:43,959
Hey.
679
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:45,502
Little...
680
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:46,836
Little boos there.
681
00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:49,255
Ah! Hey, look.
682
00:41:49,256 --> 00:41:50,758
You've come here, look.
683
00:41:51,383 --> 00:41:53,761
You can boo whatever joke you want.
684
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:56,138
If you paid for your ticket.
685
00:41:59,225 --> 00:42:03,145
If... If you haven't,
sit there and shut the fuck up.
686
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:06,649
We'll do one of your things next time.
687
00:42:14,573 --> 00:42:17,367
Husbands are the best.
Guys, imagine you have a husband.
688
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,911
How fuckin' good would it be?
You're lying in bed.
689
00:42:19,912 --> 00:42:21,413
It's one in the morning.
690
00:42:22,122 --> 00:42:23,665
Where's your husband?
691
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:24,792
Who gives a fuck?
692
00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:31,882
Then you get a phone call. "Hello, mate."
693
00:42:32,675 --> 00:42:33,883
"How are you?"
694
00:42:33,884 --> 00:42:35,469
"Ah, not good."
695
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,681
"I just got a flat tire on the way home."
696
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:41,016
"Ah, that's terrible."
697
00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:43,394
"I'll see you in the morning."
698
00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:51,485
That there...
699
00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:55,489
That there is worth
all the ass-fucking in the world.
700
00:42:59,910 --> 00:43:01,828
Ah, husbands!
701
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:04,789
Husbands are the fucking best.
702
00:43:04,790 --> 00:43:06,041
The best.
703
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:07,918
I'll prove it to you.
704
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:11,629
I'll prove it to you.
See, everyone... everyone, okay...
705
00:43:11,630 --> 00:43:15,049
Everyone, uh, clear your head.
Clear your head, clear your head.
706
00:43:15,050 --> 00:43:18,511
I'm gonna say two sentences.
I'm not gonna direct you in either way.
707
00:43:18,512 --> 00:43:21,014
Just feel what you feel
and be honest with yourself.
708
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:22,641
Here's the first sentence.
709
00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:24,727
My husband's coming.
710
00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:29,606
Now, most of you felt
a little sense of relief, like,
711
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:31,608
"Oh, good. We'll get home okay."
712
00:43:31,609 --> 00:43:34,695
Or, "We'll pay the appropriate price
for that car."
713
00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:39,283
Now, here's your next sentence.
Clear your heads.
714
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:40,951
My wife's coming.
715
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:47,499
Did all of your bodies fill with fear?
716
00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:52,754
If you're honest with yourself,
every single one of you went,
717
00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:53,839
"Oh no!"
718
00:43:57,051 --> 00:43:59,094
"But we were having a good time."
719
00:44:02,014 --> 00:44:05,476
Like, "I know he's in trouble,
but are we all in trouble?"
720
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:14,400
This... this isn't just me saying this.
721
00:44:14,401 --> 00:44:17,196
This is a statistical thing, right?
722
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:20,908
The highest rate of divorce
723
00:44:21,784 --> 00:44:23,117
are lesbians.
724
00:44:23,118 --> 00:44:24,285
By a mile.
725
00:44:24,286 --> 00:44:27,455
Lesbian marriages have the high--
Check it!
726
00:44:27,456 --> 00:44:30,208
The highest rate of divorce in the world.
727
00:44:30,209 --> 00:44:34,213
The second level of divorce
is heterosexuals.
728
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,300
The lowest level of divorce
is gay married men.
729
00:44:39,051 --> 00:44:40,009
Now,
730
00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:43,097
let me mansplain to you
what's just happened.
731
00:44:47,976 --> 00:44:51,647
The lesbians find it very hard
to stay married
732
00:44:52,314 --> 00:44:55,317
because there are two women involved.
733
00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:06,120
Heterosexual marriages aren't without
their complications because there is still
734
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,163
one woman involved.
735
00:45:13,210 --> 00:45:16,422
Did you know the word "gay" means happy?
736
00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:20,592
With good reason.
737
00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:25,013
Because there are no women involved.
738
00:45:27,766 --> 00:45:29,976
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
739
00:45:29,977 --> 00:45:30,893
Now,
740
00:45:30,894 --> 00:45:32,229
my parents...
741
00:45:32,730 --> 00:45:36,899
Right, my parents were married
for almost, uh, 50 years.
742
00:45:36,900 --> 00:45:40,528
They were one week away
from their 50th wedding anniversary
743
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:42,280
when my mother passed away.
744
00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:43,574
My mother died
745
00:45:44,324 --> 00:45:47,285
a couple of months
before we went into quarantine for COVID.
746
00:45:47,286 --> 00:45:50,329
A couple of months before COVID,
me mother died.
747
00:45:50,330 --> 00:45:52,875
It was, uh... it was very sad
748
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:56,503
because, um, she would've loved COVID.
749
00:45:59,047 --> 00:45:59,881
My...
750
00:45:59,882 --> 00:46:03,677
My mother loved
medical equipment, panic, and rules.
751
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:08,182
COVID would've been her Coachella.
752
00:46:11,351 --> 00:46:14,771
But she never got to see it
because when you're dead, you're dead,
753
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:17,899
and you don't see
anything ever again, right?
754
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:21,736
My... my mother's missed out
on a lot over the last five years.
755
00:46:21,737 --> 00:46:25,364
She's missed out on a lot of things,
you know? A lot of things, lot of things.
756
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:29,619
She... she's missed out on the birth
of two of her grandchildren
757
00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:31,496
that she'll never get to meet.
758
00:46:31,497 --> 00:46:34,500
My mother never lived long enough
759
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:36,877
to see my father happy.
760
00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:45,844
She... she... she missed out on it
by a couple of days. If...
761
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:52,142
If she just held on,
she could've seen it. I...
762
00:46:54,144 --> 00:46:57,396
Right. You can live with regrets.
You can live with regrets.
763
00:46:57,397 --> 00:47:02,235
My father is an 83-year-old man
who lives in Sydney, Australia.
764
00:47:02,236 --> 00:47:05,696
His name's Gary,
and I... I love him to bits.
765
00:47:05,697 --> 00:47:10,660
I... Every... every time I tell a joke,
I can hear his timing in my voice.
766
00:47:10,661 --> 00:47:14,330
My whole life I've just really been
impersonating this man.
767
00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:16,708
He's a good bloke. He's a carpenter.
768
00:47:17,334 --> 00:47:18,961
I'm the son of a carpenter.
769
00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:24,800
You know, like the other one.
770
00:47:26,677 --> 00:47:27,970
Except I'm real.
771
00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:30,930
Whoo!
772
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:31,890
I...
773
00:47:33,225 --> 00:47:36,310
Son of a carpenter.
My father's an interesting fella.
774
00:47:36,311 --> 00:47:38,229
Eighty-three years old.
775
00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:39,773
Still gets erections.
776
00:47:41,692 --> 00:47:44,278
I know this because he tells me.
777
00:47:46,738 --> 00:47:49,031
He had a cold about six months ago.
778
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:51,492
He had a cold that lasted like a month
'cause when you're old,
779
00:47:51,493 --> 00:47:53,661
it takes a while
to get over the flu or whatever.
780
00:47:53,662 --> 00:47:54,829
I kept on checking in.
781
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:57,999
I was ringing him all the time,
and I said, "Dad, how are you doing?"
782
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:00,252
And he goes, "I think I'm on the mend."
783
00:48:00,752 --> 00:48:02,337
"I woke up with a horn."
784
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:09,510
And I was like, "Ooh, someone
is feeling better, aren't they?"
785
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:11,804
Now, I think at 83,
786
00:48:11,805 --> 00:48:14,975
bragging about erections,
I think that's a good brag.
787
00:48:15,475 --> 00:48:16,684
It's a good brag.
788
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:19,312
Do you know that statistically,
789
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:22,982
50% of all men over 40,
790
00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:27,320
at one stage or another,
has suffered from erectile dysfunction?
791
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:31,240
And 80% of men over 80
792
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:33,660
can't get erections at all.
793
00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:37,289
And they call this a medical condition.
794
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:40,208
Is it?
795
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:45,297
Or are they just trying to fuck
80-year-old women?
796
00:48:49,801 --> 00:48:53,971
Like, I'm 48 years old,
I've never missed an erection,
797
00:48:53,972 --> 00:48:55,348
but if I was in the room
798
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,850
with a naked 80-year-old woman, I...
799
00:48:57,851 --> 00:48:59,811
...I wouldn't be surprised.
800
00:49:02,147 --> 00:49:05,316
And look, if there are older women here,
please don't think I'm making fun of you.
801
00:49:05,317 --> 00:49:07,443
I'm not trying to make fun of you.
802
00:49:07,444 --> 00:49:10,322
I am making fun of old people.
803
00:49:11,448 --> 00:49:13,824
Not old women.
I'm making fun of old people.
804
00:49:13,825 --> 00:49:17,371
Old people are gross,
unfuckable creatures.
805
00:49:18,830 --> 00:49:21,040
They're well aware of this.
806
00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,542
You women are exactly the same.
807
00:49:23,543 --> 00:49:28,005
You don't get excited
by a naked 80-year-old man, now, do you?
808
00:49:28,006 --> 00:49:30,925
You don't see a naked 80-year-old man,
all hunched over,
809
00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:34,512
with liver spots all over him,
has long bloody chest hairs,
810
00:49:34,513 --> 00:49:36,472
fucking saggy-ass balls,
811
00:49:36,473 --> 00:49:40,476
and that mudslide of an ass
that's just dripping off the bone.
812
00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:44,314
You don't look at that and go,
"Yum, yum, give me some," now, do you?
813
00:49:46,066 --> 00:49:49,736
Bet you'd just slap some lube on,
and move on with your day!
814
00:49:51,905 --> 00:49:53,698
It goes both ways.
815
00:49:53,699 --> 00:49:57,034
When I was in my early twenties,
816
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:58,911
I was a premature ejaculator.
817
00:49:58,912 --> 00:49:59,829
I was.
818
00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:01,205
I'd put me cock in.
819
00:50:01,206 --> 00:50:04,667
I'd try to think
of everything but fucking, right?
820
00:50:04,668 --> 00:50:06,460
And I'd come after 40 seconds.
821
00:50:06,461 --> 00:50:08,713
I just would.
I was a premature ejaculator.
822
00:50:08,714 --> 00:50:12,550
Now, at 48, I might come. I might not.
823
00:50:12,551 --> 00:50:13,885
Who knows?
824
00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:20,392
You're watching a man of mystery.
825
00:50:23,687 --> 00:50:27,190
But in my early twenties,
I was a premature ejaculator.
826
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:33,280
Or was I just fucking women
in their twenties?
827
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:41,203
Like, if I was to fuck another woman
in their twenties,
828
00:50:41,204 --> 00:50:43,957
would I find my condition has come back?
829
00:50:48,336 --> 00:50:50,713
Like, not everything
is a medical condition.
830
00:50:50,714 --> 00:50:52,840
Some things are just things, right?
831
00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:55,092
Maybe men shouldn't
get erections in their eighties
832
00:50:55,093 --> 00:50:56,844
'cause they shouldn't be
fathering children
833
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,472
like women go through menopause
'cause they're gonna be too old.
834
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:03,476
We'll have orphans fucking everywhere.
Maybe it's an evolutionary thing.
835
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,811
But if you're a young person,
836
00:51:05,812 --> 00:51:10,816
a lot of young people, uh,
men especially, are taking these pills now
837
00:51:10,817 --> 00:51:13,069
because porn's fucked
with their fucking heads.
838
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,988
You're meant to get an erection
when you look at a naked woman,
839
00:51:15,989 --> 00:51:18,824
but you've watched
too much fuckin' porn, haven't you? Right?
840
00:51:18,825 --> 00:51:20,743
And it fucks with your fucking head.
841
00:51:20,744 --> 00:51:21,911
I'm the same.
842
00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:24,663
Often, I go to fuck my wife,
and I think to myself,
843
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:27,334
"Where are the 12 other people?" Right?
844
00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:33,547
And they're not there every day.
They do Mondays and Wednesdays.
845
00:51:33,548 --> 00:51:34,508
You know, so I...
846
00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:39,595
But if you're a young person,
you don't get erections, what do you do?
847
00:51:39,596 --> 00:51:43,599
You go online, you speak to a doctor
through, like, the Zoom type of thing,
848
00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:45,810
and they say,
"Oh, you can have the pills,"
849
00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:48,437
and they discreetly send the pills
to your house.
850
00:51:48,438 --> 00:51:52,359
But if you're in your eighties,
and you're in a couple,
851
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:55,152
they don't use the Internet like that.
852
00:51:55,153 --> 00:51:57,404
They couldn't fucking do that.
853
00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:01,118
Plus, they like going to the doctor
'cause it's a day out.
854
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:05,454
That means
855
00:52:05,455 --> 00:52:08,415
that at erectile dysfunction clinics
all over the world,
856
00:52:08,416 --> 00:52:11,377
there are couples in their eighties
that go get a prescription
857
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:12,711
for some blue tablets.
858
00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:13,671
Right?
859
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:14,922
That means that-- Okay.
860
00:52:14,923 --> 00:52:19,426
So in... in an erectile dysfunction clinic,
she's sitting here. He's sitting here.
861
00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:21,638
The doctor's here, and she's just...
862
00:52:33,900 --> 00:52:35,527
"He can't get an erection."
863
00:52:37,529 --> 00:52:39,364
"We've tried everything."
864
00:52:40,782 --> 00:52:42,492
"Something's wrong with him."
865
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:46,830
"He can't get one."
866
00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,040
And then he's like this.
867
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:05,390
"I... I don't know
868
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:07,976
what it could be."
869
00:53:13,773 --> 00:53:15,191
And the doctor's like,
870
00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:17,068
"We've seen this before."
871
00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:24,576
"Can you please bring
Cindy into the office? Please, Cindy."
872
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:29,372
Cindy's a 25-year-old nurse.
She comes in in a Halloween nurse outfit.
873
00:53:31,249 --> 00:53:34,878
"Now, Joe, we're gonna try
something different here, mate."
874
00:53:35,503 --> 00:53:38,631
"If you could just caress
Cindy's breasts there."
875
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,842
"We just wanna see what happens."
876
00:53:58,652 --> 00:53:59,819
"There you go."
877
00:54:01,571 --> 00:54:04,366
"That's a perfectly good dick
you've got there."
878
00:54:05,158 --> 00:54:08,119
"Is there anything else
we can do you for, President Biden?"
879
00:54:12,582 --> 00:54:13,541
Whoo!
880
00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:16,044
I, um...
881
00:54:16,628 --> 00:54:18,379
Well, okay. So, I... I...
882
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:21,758
I'm gigging in South Africa soon.
I'm gigging in a town called Pretoria.
883
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:23,175
Now,
884
00:54:23,176 --> 00:54:26,971
um, most people,
if you follow my career, know the...
885
00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:30,224
you know, the "gun control" routine
is probably my most popular one.
886
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:31,225
But that's on...
887
00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,644
That's on my first Netflix special.
888
00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:36,814
There was a joke on the Netflix special
that was better than that one
889
00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:38,899
that never gets much airplay, right?
890
00:54:38,900 --> 00:54:41,026
And it was the Oscar Pistorius callback.
891
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:43,070
If you get a chance...
892
00:54:43,071 --> 00:54:47,491
I did a scene where I...
where I acted like I had no legs,
893
00:54:47,492 --> 00:54:51,829
and I dragged myself along the stage,
and then I shot Reeva Steenkamp dead.
894
00:54:51,830 --> 00:54:53,498
It was good stuff.
895
00:54:56,167 --> 00:54:57,002
Now,
896
00:54:58,586 --> 00:55:00,004
I'm about to play Pretoria.
897
00:55:00,005 --> 00:55:03,716
Pretoria is a town
outside of Johannesburg.
898
00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:07,470
Pretoria is where Oscar Pistorius is from.
899
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:11,516
He has now been let out of prison.
900
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:17,480
There is zero chance
he hasn't seen the routine.
901
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:23,945
And I'm really scared
902
00:55:24,529 --> 00:55:27,073
because he's definitely allowed backstage.
903
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:39,918
A deal's a deal, man.
904
00:55:39,919 --> 00:55:42,839
I'm a... I'm a man of my word.
I've got to let him back.
905
00:55:45,258 --> 00:55:48,260
I was talking to the promoter,
and, uh, I said,
906
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:51,347
"I'm worried about coming out there.
Oscar Pistorius is out of prison."
907
00:55:51,348 --> 00:55:53,390
"I'm worried he's gonna come to the show."
908
00:55:53,391 --> 00:55:54,516
And the promoter went...
909
00:55:54,517 --> 00:55:57,811
..."Don't you worry
about it, Jim. That is not a problem."
910
00:55:57,812 --> 00:56:02,776
"You will not have any issues with that,
because although Oscar is out of prison,
911
00:56:03,276 --> 00:56:05,403
he's still under house arrest."
912
00:56:06,488 --> 00:56:09,908
Yeah, but where do they keep
the fucking ankle bracelet on the cunt?
913
00:56:14,662 --> 00:56:19,041
You can't keep it on the stump.
The stump's tapered. It will fall off.
914
00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:22,295
It's not the ankle that keeps it on.
It's the foot.
915
00:56:30,303 --> 00:56:32,429
Guys, I'm going to tell you a story.
916
00:56:32,430 --> 00:56:34,932
I, uh... I used to date a French girl.
917
00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:38,143
Uh, a couple years--
Long time, like 20 years ago. I used to...
918
00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:40,771
Might be 15 years ago.
I used to date this, uh, French girl.
919
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:42,773
It's weird. She didn't speak English.
920
00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:46,402
And, like, me talking is, like,
my whole fucking thing, right?
921
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:48,987
It's weird when you meet people
who don't speak English.
922
00:56:48,988 --> 00:56:51,657
Like, what are they trying to prove?
923
00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:54,576
Like, fucking just speak English,
you dumb fuck.
924
00:56:54,577 --> 00:56:57,914
Like, it... It's the easiest language.
925
00:56:58,540 --> 00:57:00,833
It's like they're trying
to be difficult, innit?
926
00:57:00,834 --> 00:57:04,253
Like... like, have you ever seen people
not speaking English?
927
00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:06,004
You can't understand them.
928
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:06,923
I don't--
929
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:08,758
Like...
930
00:57:09,259 --> 00:57:12,052
English is the be--
It's the easiest language!
931
00:57:12,053 --> 00:57:14,973
I learned English at two!
932
00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:18,892
I tried learning German in my twenties.
933
00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:20,520
Fucking couldn't do it!
934
00:57:21,729 --> 00:57:23,731
English, number one.
935
00:57:24,357 --> 00:57:25,816
Anyway, she couldn't speak English.
936
00:57:25,817 --> 00:57:28,402
This is the story of the most
I've ever made anyone laugh
937
00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:29,653
in my entire life, right?
938
00:57:29,654 --> 00:57:31,363
I had this girl laugh.
939
00:57:31,364 --> 00:57:33,740
She was in a ball, laughing, right?
940
00:57:33,741 --> 00:57:35,784
Now, I... That's why I know I'm funny.
941
00:57:35,785 --> 00:57:38,662
Because I did it without me words, right?
942
00:57:38,663 --> 00:57:42,166
And okay, so we're in this big garden
at a comedy festival.
943
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,585
This comedy festival
had promotional material
944
00:57:44,586 --> 00:57:47,421
of different comedians' faces on masks.
945
00:57:47,422 --> 00:57:50,340
These cardboard cut-out photo masks.
You've seen them before.
946
00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:53,010
A bit of elastic, you can see
through the dots in the eyes. Right?
947
00:57:53,011 --> 00:57:54,678
I was one of the masks.
948
00:57:54,679 --> 00:57:56,513
How exciting, right?
949
00:57:56,514 --> 00:57:58,682
So I collected up my own face,
950
00:57:58,683 --> 00:58:00,767
put 'em in the back of me pants.
951
00:58:00,768 --> 00:58:02,519
We went back to the hotel.
952
00:58:02,520 --> 00:58:04,021
We're gonna have sex.
953
00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:05,397
She's in bed.
954
00:58:05,398 --> 00:58:06,982
She's good to go.
955
00:58:06,983 --> 00:58:08,192
I come out.
956
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,526
I'm naked,
957
00:58:09,527 --> 00:58:11,946
but I'm just wearing a mask
of me own face.
958
00:58:15,283 --> 00:58:16,534
This was the face.
959
00:58:18,703 --> 00:58:21,872
Now, that's already hilarious, right?
960
00:58:21,873 --> 00:58:25,834
Because it's all about portions, right?
So it's the same face.
961
00:58:25,835 --> 00:58:28,378
The right face for the right body,
962
00:58:28,379 --> 00:58:31,173
but it's a bigger face than it should be,
963
00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:32,508
and it's not moving.
964
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:34,635
The body's moving,
but the head's not moving.
965
00:58:34,636 --> 00:58:37,805
It's already got
all the elements of fun, right?
966
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:39,306
Now, I come out.
967
00:58:39,307 --> 00:58:41,934
Of course, this is what men
with my body do.
968
00:58:41,935 --> 00:58:44,062
When we have sex, we don't try to...
969
00:58:45,647 --> 00:58:48,649
We... we try to be funny, right?
970
00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:49,609
So...
971
00:58:53,404 --> 00:58:54,989
So I'm dancing around.
972
00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:56,991
Naked.
973
00:58:58,326 --> 00:58:59,786
Mask of me own face.
974
00:59:04,290 --> 00:59:06,333
She's dying laughing.
975
00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:09,462
Then you start doing
all the dick tricks, of course.
976
00:59:13,174 --> 00:59:14,842
Start swinging side to side.
977
00:59:18,012 --> 00:59:20,265
Like the drum out of Karate Kid II.
978
00:59:25,186 --> 00:59:27,854
Then I used to do... Everyone does this one.
979
00:59:27,855 --> 00:59:31,024
You stand in a gaited position and go,
"Wabang, wabang."
980
00:59:31,025 --> 00:59:32,234
Like that.
981
00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:36,196
And so I'm doing this, right?
I had a party trick back in the day.
982
00:59:36,197 --> 00:59:37,489
Back in the day,
983
00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:40,993
I used to-- I can't do it anymore.
It's a young man's game, right?
984
00:59:40,994 --> 00:59:43,370
But back in the day,
I used to be able to go...
985
00:59:43,371 --> 00:59:45,330
"Wabang, wabang."
986
00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:47,916
And then hands-free...
987
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:49,419
Hands-free,
988
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:51,795
I'd catch it into
989
00:59:51,796 --> 00:59:52,964
"I'm a lady."
990
01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:01,723
Hey, everyone at home!
991
01:00:02,348 --> 01:00:04,642
You're gonna try that tonight, aren't you?
992
01:00:07,562 --> 01:00:09,938
I caught it-- It's hard.
I can't do it anymore.
993
01:00:09,939 --> 01:00:13,233
My wife doesn't think I could ever do it.
I swear, I can do it.
994
01:00:13,234 --> 01:00:15,777
So I'm standing in front of her,
like, fucking...
995
01:00:15,778 --> 01:00:17,112
Fucking...
996
01:00:17,113 --> 01:00:20,741
But back in the day,
I used to be able to, hands-free,
997
01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:22,785
scoop it into "I'm a lady." Uh.
998
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:28,291
So I've scooped it into "I'm a lady,"
naked, wearing a mask of me own face.
999
01:00:29,125 --> 01:00:31,127
I'm a comedy fucking god.
1000
01:00:33,296 --> 01:00:34,129
Right?
1001
01:00:34,130 --> 01:00:36,882
Of course, then you have to do the voice.
1002
01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:39,302
I always choose the queen.
1003
01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:43,597
When I do the mangina,
I always do the wave and go...
1004
01:00:43,598 --> 01:00:46,517
..."Hello!"
1005
01:00:49,854 --> 01:00:54,067
And then... and then I rub my imaginary bean
like a hand wave, just...
1006
01:01:00,948 --> 01:01:03,200
I'm killing it. I'm killing it.
1007
01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:07,580
She can't laugh any more.
I've never seen anyone laugh this much.
1008
01:01:08,414 --> 01:01:11,501
And then, to prove it wasn't a fluke,
I go like this...
1009
01:01:14,253 --> 01:01:17,423
"Wabang, wabang."
Straight back into "I'm a lady."
1010
01:01:25,348 --> 01:01:27,891
Now I have her laughter
1011
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:29,060
and her respect.
1012
01:01:33,189 --> 01:01:34,982
I get on the edge of the bed.
1013
01:01:36,025 --> 01:01:37,984
I get between her legs.
1014
01:01:37,985 --> 01:01:39,569
I go towards her.
1015
01:01:39,570 --> 01:01:41,071
I go to kiss her.
1016
01:01:41,072 --> 01:01:43,907
She whips off the mask, and underneath,
1017
01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:45,034
Hitler face.
1018
01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:53,418
Good night, everyone. Thank you.