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How are you? Sit down.
Thank you.
All right, Chicago. Let's do this!
Good to be here, Chicago.
I travel all over the country, of course, doing gigs all over the world, doing gigs.
I... I was recently in Washington, DC,
and one of my fans gave me a tour of the Capitol, right?
I got a tour of the Capitol.
Of course, I could've just run in there, but...
Ah!
In the Capitol...
You might not know this, but in the Capitol, there are two statues
for every state in the United States of America.
Every state gets two statues
of what their best people are from their state, right?
Mississippi are about to lose one of their statues.
Jefferson Davis.
He's being lost for historical unpleasantness.
And he's being replaced now
with Johnny Cash.
Which is weird because Johnny Cash fucking sucks.
He is the most overrated artist in American history.
And if you like Johnny Cash, you're a fucking fraud and a liar.
More of you have a T-shirt of him going like this
than have bought a fucking album.
None of you can name a fucking album of his!
He had four fucking songs,
and those songs were fucking shit.
"Ring of Fire," "I Walk the Line," "A Boy Called Sue," hilarious.
And that one about the prison.
I've lived in this country for 17 years, right?
I've never stopped at the lights and had a convertible drive up next to me...
He's a fucking hack, Johnny Cash.
You call him "the Man in Black."
He was just a fat cunt trying to look slim.
We all do it. I'm 300 pounds.
What was his catchphrase?
"Hi."
"I'm Johnny Cash."
Ooh! What a wordsmith, eh?
How did you come up with it, Johnny?
"Well, I went, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'I'm,'
and then I said my name."
His biggest concert was in a prison,
and that's because the crowd couldn't fucking leave.
They went into the cells and went to the prisoners,
"Now, you can go out and watch the Johnny Cash concert,
or you can stay in your cell and get raped."
But at least he wrote a few songs, and some people do like him.
At least in the entertainment business, he's better than a fucking actor.
Actors are the lowest rung in the entertainment--
They are the most useless cunts in the entertainment b--
What I do is far harder than what actors do.
Jugglers are above fucking actors, right?
When you watch a juggler, you think to yourself,
"Oh, it would take a while to learn that."
Not acting.
I'm in a movie that's coming out.
I haven't had any acting lessons or nothing.
They didn't ask if I could act.
They just assumed I could 'cause it's fucking easy.
Three times, a ten-year-old has won an Oscar.
Think about that.
If a ten-year-old was to walk out right now and grab this microphone,
how confident would you be in this evening's performance?
Think about your occupation.
Is there a ten-year-old who's not just as good as you
but what you aspire to be?
And they don't respect comedians. They don't respect comedy, right?
To win an Oscar is...
You can win Oscars for best dramatic role,
best drama.
There is no Oscar for comedy.
There is no Oscar for best comic performance.
But who has to host the Oscars?
A comedian.
Because they need the show to be entertaining.
Then we make a joke about one of them,
and they slap us.
Actors...
...are fucking cunts, mate.
Actors are cunts.
Pretentious people.
Pretentious.
Austin Butler played Elvis Presley years ago now.
A couple of years ago, played Elvis Presley.
The cunt's still talking like Elvis.
He hasn't stopped talking like Elvis.
He was in an interview about another movie he just did a couple of months ago,
and in the interview he goes...
..."I had a real good time making that movie."
"That was a real good film."
And the interviewer went, "Hey, you're still talking like Elvis."
And he went, "Am I? Haven't noticed. Ah... I..."
"I was in character for so long, I... I'm finding Elvis hard to shake off."
"I was in character for so long, I'm finding Elvis hard to shake off."
You pretentious pretty-boy fuck.
Could it be that Elvis was the coolest guy that ever lived?
I'll tell you what actor isn't finding it hard
to shake off his character.
The bloke who played Dahmer.
I reckon...
I reckon, the bloke who played Jeffrey Dahmer,
the second he got home,
he was straight back to being Tim or whoever the fuck he is.
It's not like I'll be at a party in LA, and I'll be talking to a girl I know,
and I'll be like, "Hey, I got a friend coming."
"He's a great guy. He's an actor. I think you two will hit it off."
"Oh! Here he comes right now."
"Yeah, he played Hitler in a movie two years ago."
"He's finding Hitler hard to shake off."
"We took him to a bar mitzvah. He's a fucking nightmare, to be honest."
Acting's changed over the years.
You have to play who you are in a movie now.
You can't play outside of who you are, right?
So, you, like... You watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, right?
Mickey Rooney playing an Asian fella. He wasn't Asian, right?
Yeah, you can't do different faces. Yeah?
They're saying now that only gay actors should play gay roles, right?
So heterosexuals aren't allowed to play gay,
but gay people are allowed to play gay, or they're allowed to act straight.
But can they?
Not all of them are pulling it off. Ah!
Did you watch that Menendez brothers thing on Netflix?
Nathan Lane's character in that show is a heterosexual.
He was like this, "Those boys killed that person."
But you're not allowed to do blackface. You don't do blackface.
I've never done blackface for three good reasons.
It's wrong.
Would ruin a T-shirt.
Et cetera.
But I don't condemn people who did blackface before, say, 9/11.
That's my cutoff for blackface.
If they did blackface after 9/11, that's wrong.
Before 9/11, that's okay.
That's how I remember 9/11. Now...
The reason I say that is because in the '90s, Ted Danson--
Ted Danson, in my opinion, is the greatest sitcom star of all time.
Longest-gevity. Still in him today.
Back to Cheers, still in him today, right?
Ted Danson, in the '90s, dated Whoopi Goldberg.
That's not the weird bit but...
Ted Danson dated Whoopi Goldberg.
They had a roast of Whoopi Goldberg at the Friars Club,
and at Whoopi Goldberg's request,
Ted Danson did blackface.
Now, when you get home,
google "Ted Danson blackface"
because it does not disappoint.
If you're a fan of blackface...
...this is Michelin Star blackface.
But if you like to get on the Internet and get really angry...
...it'll scratch that itch as well.
No one loses when they google "Ted Danson blackface."
Now, a friend of mine... a friend of mine had never seen Ted Danson blackface,
so I show him Ted Danson blackface,
we make our comments, and we move on with our day.
Cut to two, three days later.
I'm at home, and I'm lying on the sofa.
I'm watching TV. It's the middle of the day, right?
My three-year-old
is off at another three-year-old's birthday with the nanny.
My 12-year-old is at school.
My wife walks in the room and says she's going to Whole Foods.
My wife fucking loves Whole Foods.
She'll be gone for at least an hour, right?
Now, if you're a father like me with a young family,
you'll know what I'm talking about.
Very rare you get the house to yourself, right?
I wait till she leaves and wait a little bit longer,
and then I hitch me pants down.
I'm gonna have myself a carefree wank, right?
It's very rare, the carefree wank. You know the one. You're like this.
"I'm gonna leave the volume on."
I'm not gonna scurry away to the toilet like a fucking animal.
I bought this cunting house,
and I'll ejaculate wherever the fuck I want.
I'm gonna come here in the living room!
Next to the kitchen. I don't give a fuck, right?
So I've selected me porn.
I'm starting to get some meat in me cock. I'm going good.
I'm a few minutes in. My wife comes back.
She's forgotten somethin', right?
The fucking Tesla fucked me over, didn't it?
Back in the day, you used to get a bit of warning.
Do you know how many loud engines have saved marriages?
So...
My wife walks in, and we just fucking lock eyes. Just...
And I panic, and I quickly delete the porn.
My wife thinks I'm up to no good. She runs over. She grabs my phone.
And all she sees is Ted Danson in blackface.
And she looks at the picture.
And she looks at my cock...
And then she looks me dead in the eye, and she goes,
"I'm in."
'Cause my wife's a... a fucking racist.
My wife-- I mentioned this in my last bit. My wife's...
Um, my wife's a, um... visually, an Indian person.
And, um...
But she has a British accent.
Which is weird because it never goes the other way, does it? You never...
I know it sounds racist, but...
I... I've searched the Internet.
Until you find me some white chick
who went to India for six months and came back, and...
I won't do the voice, but...
It is true. It's never... never gone the other way.
So, I've never done the blackface,
but there is a face that I do do and I have done.
There are many photos of me doing this face.
And this is a very cancelable face, so I can be in a lot of trouble for this,
but I've sent so many photographs of me doing this face to others that...
...I just have to fess up to it, right? So...
In my home,
in my private life,
I enjoy doing Hitler face.
Fuck you, Chicago. Fuck you.
That tepid fucking laugh. Go fuck yourselves.
Your... your silence was fucking deafening.
How dare you, you bunch of fucking frauds?
I said "Hitler face," and you all sat there like this.
"What is this Hitler face?"
"I don't know what he speaks of." Fuck you.
Every single man and/or hairy woman in this room
has done Hitler face, and you fucking know it.
You might not leave the house with it,
but when it's just you in the bathroom mirror,
you've fucking done it.
When you're shaving off a beard, you don't shave this bit first, do you?
You always leave it till the end.
You get down to a full Tom Selleck,
and then you look around...
...and you go swipe, swipe,
and you push a bit of hair down.
It's a lot of fun that doesn't fucking hurt anyone!
My wife never knows when it's coming.
I'll just come down the stairs,
and she'll look up, and she'll go, "Oh fuck."
"Hitler's here."
I always do it at the end of a tour. I grow a beard out over the tour.
At the end of the tour, I come home, and I Hitler up for about three days.
And my wife thinks that I do Hitler face
because I find it funny and because it upsets her,
and although these things are true...
Uh...
...the real reason I do Hitler face is so that I won't have to do the school run.
All right.
She can't send me on errands, man.
We live in Hollywood, and I'm fucking Hitler!
Now, I've been told... Like...
We know why blackface is racist and what's wrong with blackface,
and I've been told that doing Hitler face is antisemitic.
If there are Jewish people watching at home and in the room, please,
I have no issue with Jewish people.
I am not making fun of Jewish people.
I am making fun of Hitler.
I don't take it seriously.
I haven't bought an outfit.
I don't stand in the corner and give rousing speeches.
I don't do the salute.
My wife does the salute.
I'm Hitler.
Whoo!
And why can't...
Please tell me why.
Why can't I have a little fucking mustache?
I'm not allowed a little square mustache
because one cunt, 80 years ago, had a little fucking mustache.
Now none of us are ever allowed a little fucking mustache again?
That's very Nazi of ya.
What if it would suit me?
What if that's the missing puzzle piece of my awkward fucking face?
What if I get a little mustache, and boom, three to a seven just like that?
But I can't 'cause fucking Hitler had one.
You women better hope the next genocide doesn't happen from a woman with bangs.
Then none of you would be allowed fucking bangs.
You'd be done, you fucking Nazi.
You'd show up at a party with a fringe, and everyone would be like,
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Jenny?"
"Why? Huh!"
"Everyone!"
"Jenny wants to know why she can't have bangs, everyone. Oh!"
"I don't know."
"Could it be because Tiffany killed eight million Romanians?"
"They had to change the name of the jewelry store, you bitch."
But I'm not a Nazi.
I'm a nice fella.
I'm supportive to all.
I'm a big fan of the LGBTQA community.
If you're in this room and a member of the LGBTQA community,
you're welcome here.
Big fan of the LGBTQA community.
But I have decided
that the plus can go fuck themselves.
If whatever you are
didn't make it into that initial grouping of letters...
...time's up, plus.
Hey, plus,
you're fucking weird.
Stay away from my kids.
Like, you can't just slap a plus on the end
and expect my support.
I need more information.
Like, if I was doing a job interview, and I'd be like,
"It says here on your application that you were incarcerated for a while."
"What was all that about?"
"Ah..."
"Tax evasion plus."
"But you were in prison for 15 years!"
"I did a lot of plus."
Like, plus is an umbrella you can have to get away with shit.
By these standards, now Disney can start showing pornography.
Because of Disney+.
And when I say I support everyone in the LGBTQA community...
Ah...
Not all of them.
The vast majority, I'm a big fan of.
The vast majority, but some of 'em...
Uh... Okay.
The "A" has just been added.
The "A" stands for...
- Does anyone know what the "A" stands for? - A...
Asexuals. It's just been brought in.
Asexuals.
These are people who have no interest in fucking.
They haven't fucked in the past,
and they don't plan on fucking in the future.
And they need our support.
Does everyone need to be special? I... Well, I'm...
I'm an Australian who grew up near the beach.
I've never surfed.
I haven't surfed in the past. I won't be surfing in the future.
Can I have your support?
Like, fuck me.
Like, if you're asexual, right,
there is no struggle.
There's no struggle.
You... you haven't been persecuted against.
Not even in a fucking movie
have I seen someone go,
"I hear there's a guy in the park who doesn't wanna fuck anything."
"Let's get him!"
Like, fuck me!
You don't wanna fuck anything.
Congratulations! What a wonderful position to be in.
And maybe you should be in a group, but...
You don't wanna be in a group with the gays.
You have nothing in common with the gays.
You are the opposite of the gays.
The gays love to fuck.
It's their whole thing.
They fucking love fucking.
Now, obviously, I'm talking about gay men. I don't know how lesbians fuck.
I assume they punch each other till one of them comes.
But gay men...
No one throughout history
has put more time and effort into fucking than homosexual men.
Throughout hi-- Still illegal in many countries.
Still illegal.
Right up until the 1960s, in most countries,
you could be imprisoned for being a homosexual.
And guess what they did.
They kept fucking!
A disproportionate amount of homeless people are homosexual
because they get disowned by family members
and pushed out of home at a young age, and they have to live on the streets.
All for their right to keep fucking.
In the 1980s...
...a lot of them were getting real thin.
AIDS. The original Ozempic.
They were getting thin.
No one knew why.
They thought it might've been the fucking...
...but they weren't sure.
So what did they do?
They kept fucking.
And the asexuals have the audacity...
the audacity to think that they can be in a group
with the homosexuals.
The asexuals have more in common with married heterosexuals.
They can come and join the H+ community.
Look.
People at home, people in the room...
If you are asexual,
I truly mean this,
congratulations.
What a fucking privilege that must be.
Do you know...
Do you know
how much trouble...
...this fucking thing has gotten me into?
Do you know how many friendships I've ruined...
...how many job opportunities I haven't gotten...
...how much child support I pay...
...how many houses I've given away
because of this fucking thing?
And you're at work, all focused,
and enjoying your hobbies on the weekend.
Go fuck yourself, A!
But they won't.
Next letter I'm not happy with.
The Bs.
I have a friend, uh...
I had a female friend who was bis-- She still is a bisexual woman, I assume.
Uh... She started a web page up for bisexual women.
Just for bisexual women to raise awareness
and to give support to bisexual women.
And she asked if I would donate some money.
And I said I wouldn't.
Because we're all very aware.
They're the most watched thing on the Internet.
And as for support...
No one has put more time and effort...
...into supporting that community than this guy here.
If there was ever a bisexual woman in need,
I always put out a helping hand.
Like, fuck me, has there ever been a group in our society
who is more revered and less condemned than bisexual women?
If you're a bisexual woman in this room and you're finding life hard...
...that's on you.
We have done everything,
everything to lift you people up.
I've never heard a conversation even close to this
between two heterosexual men.
I'll do a bit of acting for you.
"So, how's things going with the, uh, new girlfriend?"
"It's been about eight months, right?"
"Ah!"
"It was going good
until the other day when she, uh,
asked to bring another girl into the bedroom."
"I just vomited in my mouth and swallowed it again."
"But you're my best friend,
so no matter how hard it is for me to hear,
tell me every single detail."
"Well, it started out pretty good."
"One of them was sucking me cock, and the other one was licking me balls,
and it... and it was a different feeling, but one that I enjoyed."
"And then I ejaculated into the girl's mouth,
and, uh, that's when sex is over."
"Man comes. Sex is over."
"But it wasn't over."
"The girls started kissing each other,
swapping the cum from mouth to mouth
to mouth to mouth."
"And it was so confusing...
...because they were both girls."
"Yuck!"
End scene. I...
Like, obviously, that's a ridiculous situation.
That conversation's never gonna happen anywhere in the world,
but it still was relatable in some way, right?
You still got the i... the premise of the whole thing
because, you kn... Look.
Men are good people.
Whoo!
We have good hearts.
Men are good people.
And women
are not.
Like,
if you're a homosexual man in this room,
and you're here with one of your female friends...
...they're not your friend.
They may gossip with you. They may even let you cut their hair, but...
...at the end of the day, when it comes down to it,
they're not your friend.
See,
if I was to come home, walk into my house, come upstairs, and walk into my bedroom
to find my wife licking out another woman on our marital bed,
I would lead with love.
Sure, there'd be the initial confusion,
but that would be quickly replaced with acceptance.
And then, dare I say it,
pride.
Because I'm a good person with a... a good heart.
You can try and change me.
People have tried to do it in the past, and they've always failed.
I'm just good.
But I sucked one cock in front of my wife!
I did it as a surprise for her!
I live in Los Angeles. I paid a homeless bloke 60 bucks.
I know I overpaid. I know!
We were upstairs in the room, waiting for her to come home.
We heard her come in, and then we're like, "She's here! Shush! Shut up!"
"Come upstairs!"
"Come upstairs! I have a surprise for ya!"
And she was coming up, and then I was like this,
"One, two, three," and I went down.
Then he starts fucking my mouth, right?
He's... he's banging my throat, right?
My head's against the wall. I couldn't have stopped him if I tried.
He's throat-fucking me. She walks in.
I keep eye contact with her 'cause this is all for her.
So I'm just like this.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
Then he pulled out, and he came all over me face.
And I turned to her, and I went,
"Happy anniversary!"
And I stood up,
and I went to kiss her.
I know. I know. She fucking backed away.
She fucking... She went like this...
And that's when I realized. I was like, "Huh!"
"You're a homophobe."
That's my wife. She's a fucking racist homophobe.
If you ever see me and my wife walking down the street,
yell out, "Racist homophobe."
Not like me.
I'm a fucking... I'm a good person, me.
I'll tell you what. I did a sitcom 12 years ago called Legit.
And Legit had like loads-- That's-- Fine.
Yeah.
Legit had loads of disabled actors.
And I don't think they were treated in a way that was demeaning or anything.
They were always in on the joke. They had real lines
where they were being funny, not tragic figures in any way.
And over the years,
I've tried to stay in contact with many of those actors, right?
And if I do a charity gig...
I do charity gigs for disabled charities and stuff like that. Right?
Big fan of the disabled community, right?
A guy wrote to me a while back,
and he wrote, "Hey, I'm coming to your show."
Uh, "I'm with my uncle. He's disabled."
"Can we come backstage and meet you?"
Now, you can't write back, "How disabled?"
And... and it's... and it's rude to ask for a photo, right? So...
So... Look, anyway, I truly mean this. I truly mean this.
If you are in this room and you are disabled,
at the end of this show, speak to the security.
I will come out and meet you, or you can come down to the dressing room.
And I'll give you a drink and a photo, and we'll hang out.
Okay?
- Whoo! - Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
If you're clapping, you're not disabled enough!
I can't be having fuckers come down with dyslexia.
Or I'll be there all fucking day.
There has to be a limit to my generosity, you fucking cunts, so...
This is how disabled you have to be to get a photo with me.
Of course, we have the hits.
If you are blind, you must have a dog or a stick.
Then I'll take a photo with you.
Of course, if you are deaf, I will take a photo with you.
I don't know why the fuck you're here...
...but I'll do it.
If you're confined to a wheelchair, of course I'm gonna have a photo with you.
Now, they're the classics, right?
Otherwise, if you're not any of those, I have a two limb policy.
It can't be one limb. You can't be just shit on a motorbike.
I need two fucking limbs.
Two limb policy.
Those limbs have to either be missing,
doing nothing...
...or doing everything.
Missing, nothing, everything.
Now...
They don't need to be the same limbs.
We can mix and match.
If you're paralyzed from the waist down, of course I will see you.
Maybe you're paralyzed from the waist up?
Then you can riverdance your way fucking up to me.
Maybe you've had a stroke.
And your left-hand side's all fucked up.
Well, if so, lucky you!
You get to meet me.
Now, not all disabilities are physical.
Of course not all disabilities are physical.
So, if you are severely autistic,
not enough.
I was taking, uh, photos with the "severely autistic,"
and half of them were just a little bit fucking autistic.
They were autisticing up for the security, and then I met them,
and they were just fucking Star Trek fans.
They were nothing, right?
But I will count autism as one limb.
So, if you have autism,
with, like, a thalidomide arm,
I can work with that.
Now, I'll stop talking about it now, but here's the minimum...
here's the minimum level of disability you can be to meet me.
You'll know if you're higher or lower than this.
Lobster hand.
And I'm a sucker for a lazy eye.
So...
If you have a real good lazy eye,
if you have one that really darts off to the side,
like, if when people talk to you, they do this...
...then I'd like to meet you.
I'll see you after the show.
I, um... I've been living in America for a long time.
I still... I still consider myself to be Australian,
but I also do consider myself to be American.
America's a wonderful place.
You get a hard time sometimes, but you're a wonderful place.
Think of all the amazing inventions that come out of the USA.
You invented the airplane.
Et cetera, right? All these...
I think your greatest invention...
I think your greatest invention is gay conversion therapy.
Wonderful! You don't like something about yourself, you go off to the church,
and you pray, pray, pray until eventually, it goes away.
I'm a big fan of gay conversion therapy.
I love me some gay con--
I'm a big fan of gay conversion therapy
but only from heterosexual to gay.
Because I've been heterosexual for 48 years,
and let me tell you something.
It can't be natural.
Men and women shouldn't be together. We have absolutely nothing in common.
We don't enjoy each other's company, and every fuckin' day is a struggle.
Every fuckin' day
is a fucking compromise.
Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise.
It fucking sucks...
...to be heterosexual.
I can see you all in your heterosexual couples, right?
One of you is having a good time, the other one not so much, right?
So, eventually, you have to turn to that person and go...
..."We'll do one of your things next time."
"Okay."
"We'll do one of my things next time."
"So we'll do a good thing, a shit thing, a good thing, a shit thing,
till we fucking die!"
"Because we're heterosexuals."
It fucking sucks to be heterosexual.
I fight against it every fuckin' day!
Do you think I would choose this lifestyle?
Do you... do you think this is what I want for my sons?
I try to bury it down in me!
I'm like, "No, no, not today!"
"Not today, Jim. Not today!"
And then a girl walks by in boots, and I go...
And I fucking hate meself!
Whoo!
Have you seen a gay pride parade?
Have you seen a guy in his underwear with a flag
just walking down the street like this?
I've never seen a heterosexual that happy in my fucking life.
That's why there...
That's why there's no heterosexual pride parades.
'Cause there's fucking nothing to be proud of.
Like, I truly mean this, like...
Okay, if you're a homosexual in this room
and you have heterosexual friends,
reach out.
We need allies now more than ever.
Like, I'll tell you the worst bit about being heterosexual.
We have children.
We have babies.
Now, that response, I can tell you all,
"Jim, I think you'll find that gay people can have children as well."
Not by accident!
I don't wanna hear the plight of another homosexual
until they have an accidental child.
You think it's stressful
leaving your cock in someone's asshole and ejaculating?
Try coming in a cunt...
...and see how calm you are for the next month.
I'd fucking love to be gay.
I would fucking love to be gay.
I don't-- Look.
I don't really wanna be gay.
I just really want a husband.
Husbands are so good, aren't they?
They're the fucking best, husbands.
They're the best. They do shit for you and stuff.
They're fucking good.
Look at all you women with your husbands.
Look at you, hey? You lucky ducks.
Hey, hey, you!
You must wake up in the morning and fucking skip to work.
If you work.
Right?
Hey.
Little...
Little boos there.
Ah! Hey, look.
You've come here, look.
You can boo whatever joke you want.
If you paid for your ticket.
If... If you haven't, sit there and shut the fuck up.
We'll do one of your things next time.
Husbands are the best. Guys, imagine you have a husband.
How fuckin' good would it be? You're lying in bed.
It's one in the morning.
Where's your husband?
Who gives a fuck?
Then you get a phone call. "Hello, mate."
"How are you?"
"Ah, not good."
"I just got a flat tire on the way home."
"Ah, that's terrible."
"I'll see you in the morning."
That there...
That there is worth all the ass-fucking in the world.
Ah, husbands!
Husbands are the fucking best.
The best.
I'll prove it to you.
See, everyone... everyone, okay...
Everyone, uh, clear your head. Clear your head, clear your head.
I'm gonna say two sentences. I'm not gonna direct you in either way.
Just feel what you feel and be honest with yourself.
Here's the first sentence.
My husband's coming.
Now, most of you felt a little sense of relief, like,
"Oh, good. We'll get home okay."
Or, "We'll pay the appropriate price for that car."
Now, here's your next sentence. Clear your heads.
My wife's coming.
Did all of your bodies fill with fear?
If you're honest with yourself, every single one of you went,
"Oh no!"
"But we were having a good time."
Like, "I know he's in trouble, but are we all in trouble?"
This... this isn't just me saying this.
This is a statistical thing, right?
The highest rate of divorce
are lesbians.
By a mile.
Lesbian marriages have the high-- Check it!
The highest rate of divorce in the world.
The second level of divorce is heterosexuals.
The lowest level of divorce is gay married men.
Now,
let me mansplain to you what's just happened.
The lesbians find it very hard to stay married
because there are two women involved.
Heterosexual marriages aren't without their complications because there is still
one woman involved.
Did you know the word "gay" means happy?
With good reason.
Because there are no women involved.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Now,
my parents...
Right, my parents were married for almost, uh, 50 years.
They were one week away from their 50th wedding anniversary
when my mother passed away.
My mother died
a couple of months before we went into quarantine for COVID.
A couple of months before COVID, me mother died.
It was, uh... it was very sad
because, um, she would've loved COVID.
My...
My mother loved medical equipment, panic, and rules.
COVID would've been her Coachella.
But she never got to see it because when you're dead, you're dead,
and you don't see anything ever again, right?
My... my mother's missed out on a lot over the last five years.
She's missed out on a lot of things, you know? A lot of things, lot of things.
She... she's missed out on the birth of two of her grandchildren
that she'll never get to meet.
My mother never lived long enough
to see my father happy.
She... she... she missed out on it by a couple of days. If...
If she just held on, she could've seen it. I...
Right. You can live with regrets. You can live with regrets.
My father is an 83-year-old man who lives in Sydney, Australia.
His name's Gary, and I... I love him to bits.
I... Every... every time I tell a joke, I can hear his timing in my voice.
My whole life I've just really been impersonating this man.
He's a good bloke. He's a carpenter.
I'm the son of a carpenter.
You know, like the other one.
Except I'm real.
Whoo!
I...
Son of a carpenter. My father's an interesting fella.
Eighty-three years old.
Still gets erections.
I know this because he tells me.
He had a cold about six months ago.
He had a cold that lasted like a month 'cause when you're old,
it takes a while to get over the flu or whatever.
I kept on checking in.
I was ringing him all the time, and I said, "Dad, how are you doing?"
And he goes, "I think I'm on the mend."
"I woke up with a horn."
And I was like, "Ooh, someone is feeling better, aren't they?"
Now, I think at 83,
bragging about erections, I think that's a good brag.
It's a good brag.
Do you know that statistically,
50% of all men over 40,
at one stage or another, has suffered from erectile dysfunction?
And 80% of men over 80
can't get erections at all.
And they call this a medical condition.
Is it?
Or are they just trying to fuck 80-year-old women?
Like, I'm 48 years old, I've never missed an erection,
but if I was in the room
with a naked 80-year-old woman, I...
...I wouldn't be surprised.
And look, if there are older women here, please don't think I'm making fun of you.
I'm not trying to make fun of you.
I am making fun of old people.
Not old women. I'm making fun of old people.
Old people are gross, unfuckable creatures.
They're well aware of this.
You women are exactly the same.
You don't get excited by a naked 80-year-old man, now, do you?
You don't see a naked 80-year-old man, all hunched over,
with liver spots all over him, has long bloody chest hairs,
fucking saggy-ass balls,
and that mudslide of an ass that's just dripping off the bone.
You don't look at that and go, "Yum, yum, give me some," now, do you?
Bet you'd just slap some lube on, and move on with your day!
It goes both ways.
When I was in my early twenties,
I was a premature ejaculator.
I was.
I'd put me cock in.
I'd try to think of everything but fucking, right?
And I'd come after 40 seconds.
I just would. I was a premature ejaculator.
Now, at 48, I might come. I might not.
Who knows?
You're watching a man of mystery.
But in my early twenties, I was a premature ejaculator.
Or was I just fucking women in their twenties?
Like, if I was to fuck another woman in their twenties,
would I find my condition has come back?
Like, not everything is a medical condition.
Some things are just things, right?
Maybe men shouldn't get erections in their eighties
'cause they shouldn't be fathering children
like women go through menopause 'cause they're gonna be too old.
We'll have orphans fucking everywhere. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing.
But if you're a young person,
a lot of young people, uh, men especially, are taking these pills now
because porn's fucked with their fucking heads.
You're meant to get an erection when you look at a naked woman,
but you've watched too much fuckin' porn, haven't you? Right?
And it fucks with your fucking head.
I'm the same.
Often, I go to fuck my wife, and I think to myself,
"Where are the 12 other people?" Right?
And they're not there every day. They do Mondays and Wednesdays.
You know, so I...
But if you're a young person, you don't get erections, what do you do?
You go online, you speak to a doctor through, like, the Zoom type of thing,
and they say, "Oh, you can have the pills,"
and they discreetly send the pills to your house.
But if you're in your eighties, and you're in a couple,
they don't use the Internet like that.
They couldn't fucking do that.
Plus, they like going to the doctor 'cause it's a day out.
That means
that at erectile dysfunction clinics all over the world,
there are couples in their eighties that go get a prescription
for some blue tablets.
Right?
That means that-- Okay.
So in... in an erectile dysfunction clinic, she's sitting here. He's sitting here.
The doctor's here, and she's just...
"He can't get an erection."
"We've tried everything."
"Something's wrong with him."
"He can't get one."
And then he's like this.
"I... I don't know
what it could be."
And the doctor's like,
"We've seen this before."
"Can you please bring Cindy into the office? Please, Cindy."
Cindy's a 25-year-old nurse. She comes in in a Halloween nurse outfit.
"Now, Joe, we're gonna try something different here, mate."
"If you could just caress Cindy's breasts there."
"We just wanna see what happens."
"There you go."
"That's a perfectly good dick you've got there."
"Is there anything else we can do you for, President Biden?"
Whoo!
I, um...
Well, okay. So, I... I...
I'm gigging in South Africa soon. I'm gigging in a town called Pretoria.
Now,
um, most people, if you follow my career, know the...
you know, the "gun control" routine is probably my most popular one.
But that's on...
That's on my first Netflix special.
There was a joke on the Netflix special that was better than that one
that never gets much airplay, right?
And it was the Oscar Pistorius callback.
If you get a chance...
I did a scene where I... where I acted like I had no legs,
and I dragged myself along the stage, and then I shot Reeva Steenkamp dead.
It was good stuff.
Now,
I'm about to play Pretoria.
Pretoria is a town outside of Johannesburg.
Pretoria is where Oscar Pistorius is from.
He has now been let out of prison.
There is zero chance he hasn't seen the routine.
And I'm really scared
because he's definitely allowed backstage.
A deal's a deal, man.
I'm a... I'm a man of my word. I've got to let him back.
I was talking to the promoter, and, uh, I said,
"I'm worried about coming out there. Oscar Pistorius is out of prison."
"I'm worried he's gonna come to the show."
And the promoter went...
..."Don't you worry about it, Jim. That is not a problem."
"You will not have any issues with that, because although Oscar is out of prison,
he's still under house arrest."
Yeah, but where do they keep the fucking ankle bracelet on the cunt?
You can't keep it on the stump. The stump's tapered. It will fall off.
It's not the ankle that keeps it on. It's the foot.
Guys, I'm going to tell you a story.
I, uh... I used to date a French girl.
Uh, a couple years-- Long time, like 20 years ago. I used to...
Might be 15 years ago. I used to date this, uh, French girl.
It's weird. She didn't speak English.
And, like, me talking is, like, my whole fucking thing, right?
It's weird when you meet people who don't speak English.
Like, what are they trying to prove?
Like, fucking just speak English, you dumb fuck.
Like, it... It's the easiest language.
It's like they're trying to be difficult, innit?
Like... like, have you ever seen people not speaking English?
You can't understand them.
I don't--
Like...
English is the be-- It's the easiest language!
I learned English at two!
I tried learning German in my twenties.
Fucking couldn't do it!
English, number one.
Anyway, she couldn't speak English.
This is the story of the most I've ever made anyone laugh
in my entire life, right?
I had this girl laugh.
She was in a ball, laughing, right?
Now, I... That's why I know I'm funny.
Because I did it without me words, right?
And okay, so we're in this big garden at a comedy festival.
This comedy festival had promotional material
of different comedians' faces on masks.
These cardboard cut-out photo masks. You've seen them before.
A bit of elastic, you can see through the dots in the eyes. Right?
I was one of the masks.
How exciting, right?
So I collected up my own face,
put 'em in the back of me pants.
We went back to the hotel.
We're gonna have sex.
She's in bed.
She's good to go.
I come out.
I'm naked,
but I'm just wearing a mask of me own face.
This was the face.
Now, that's already hilarious, right?
Because it's all about portions, right? So it's the same face.
The right face for the right body,
but it's a bigger face than it should be,
and it's not moving.
The body's moving, but the head's not moving.
It's already got all the elements of fun, right?
Now, I come out.
Of course, this is what men with my body do.
When we have sex, we don't try to...
We... we try to be funny, right?
So...
So I'm dancing around.
Naked.
Mask of me own face.
She's dying laughing.
Then you start doing all the dick tricks, of course.
Start swinging side to side.
Like the drum out of Karate Kid II.
Then I used to do... Everyone does this one.
You stand in a gaited position and go, "Wabang, wabang."
Like that.
And so I'm doing this, right? I had a party trick back in the day.
Back in the day,
I used to-- I can't do it anymore. It's a young man's game, right?
But back in the day, I used to be able to go...
"Wabang, wabang."
And then hands-free...
Hands-free,
I'd catch it into
"I'm a lady."
Hey, everyone at home!
You're gonna try that tonight, aren't you?
I caught it-- It's hard. I can't do it anymore.
My wife doesn't think I could ever do it. I swear, I can do it.
So I'm standing in front of her, like, fucking...
Fucking...
But back in the day, I used to be able to, hands-free,
scoop it into "I'm a lady." Uh.
So I've scooped it into "I'm a lady," naked, wearing a mask of me own face.
I'm a comedy fucking god.
Right?
Of course, then you have to do the voice.
I always choose the queen.
When I do the mangina, I always do the wave and go...
..."Hello!"
And then... and then I rub my imaginary bean like a hand wave, just...
I'm killing it. I'm killing it.
She can't laugh any more. I've never seen anyone laugh this much.
And then, to prove it wasn't a fluke, I go like this...
"Wabang, wabang." Straight back into "I'm a lady."
Now I have her laughter
and her respect.
I get on the edge of the bed.
I get between her legs.
I go towards her.
I go to kiss her.
She whips off the mask, and underneath,
Hitler face.
Good night, everyone. Thank you.