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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering]

4
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[epic music playing]

5
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Felipe Esparza!

6
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What's up, Sacramento?

7
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:36,661
What's up, fool? What's up, row?

8
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Hell, yeah, thank you very much.

9
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Thank you. Sold-out show, Sacramento.
Thank you, man.

10
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[whistles]

11
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,966
[crowd cheering and whistling]

12
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,761
Oh man, I got an email this morning
from a fan.

13
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He wanted free tickets for the show.

14
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And he like… He was pouring it out there.

15
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He goes, "Felipe, is there any way
I can get free tickets for your show?"

16
00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,063
"I've been going through
some bad times right now."

17
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:08,193
"My mom died from coronavirus.
My wife was diagnosed with lupus."

18
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:11,571
"My brother was murdered
in Modesto, California."

19
00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:12,781
[crowd laughing]

20
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:16,201
"But your comedy always gives me hope,
and it makes me laugh."

21
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"Could you just leave, um,
some four tickets for me, bro?"

22
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:20,997
"I would really appreciate it."

23
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I wrote him back,
and I said, "Listen man."

24
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"I don't feel comfortable bringing
all that bad luck to my show."

25
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:28,630
[crowd laughing]

26
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,298
[scattered applause]

27
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"Yeah, man.
I don't think God is finished with you."

28
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[crowd continues laughing]

29
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I think God has big plans.

30
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:46,189
I can't have that guy here
by himself at the show.

31
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:50,652
Then God mistakes me
for someone he cares about.

32
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,112
[crowd laughing]

33
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,406
You know, when I was a kid,

34
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,743
if I didn't have tickets to the show,
guess what? I didn't go.

35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:01:59,994
[crowd laughing]

36
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:04,332
Like, I wanted to see Ozzy Osbourne,
and it was sold out.

37
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I didn't email him
and say "Hey, Ozzy, gee…"

38
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,922
"Six-six-six."

39
00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:12,549
[crowd laughing]

40
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,843
"It sold out, bro."

41
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:18,096
"Can you leave
some tickets for me, please?"

42
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,723
"I'll bring a pigeon for you to bite."

43
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That's how my fans are.
My fans are more personal, that's why.

44
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They feel like that they could talk to me.

45
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:32,318
Like, somebody emailed me
30 minutes before the show and asked me,

46
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"Felipe, is there gonna be food there,
or should I eat before I get there?"

47
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:37,448
[crowd laughing]

48
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,451
One thing about white people,

49
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,121
when white people don't like something,
they go on Yelp,

50
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:45,874
and they complain with big words.

51
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They let the whole thing, like,

52
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"Yeah, it was a hot day, with a 100."

53
00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:52,338
"Me an April were wearing summer dresses."

54
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Black people get to the point.

55
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:58,219
"Man, this place
was fuckin' whack as fuck."

56
00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,929
[crowd laughing]

57
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,514
Latinos, we're different, man.

58
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:04,642
We complain on Facebook
live while it's happening.

59
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:05,768
[laughing, cheering]

60
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,771
"Look at this fuckin' piece of shit place
right here."

61
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,650
Then your friends go,
"Yeah, where you at, Lupe?"

62
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,569
"I got your back. Fuck that bitch."

63
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:20,283
Yeah, man.
I went to a gender revealing party.

64
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,534
And when I got there,

65
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,787
the woman told everyone
she got an abortion instead.

66
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,873
[crowd exclaiming]

67
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:31,753
Yeah. Then the balloon blew up
and sprayed blood right in my face.

68
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,546
[crowd laughing]

69
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,344
I was hit with a uterus.

70
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,054
[crowd laughing and giggling]

71
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:44,057
You ever walk with your wife,

72
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,352
and you see a couple
fighting in the parking lot.

73
00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:49,979
And they're beating each other up.

74
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Then you and your wife look at each other,
"That was us last week, huh, babe?"

75
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,571
"Remember the cops made us say
'I love you.'"

76
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"Remember the cops said
I gotta say 'I love you' to let us go?"

77
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"That was crazy."

78
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That's how you know you love someone.
You beat them, man, you beat them.

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If they press charges,
it was never meant to be, you know.

80
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[crowd laughing, cheering]

81
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,383
[scattered applause]

82
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"You fuckin' asshole! I'll call the cops!"

83
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:28,101
"Baby, I love you, okay?
That's how you play now, all right."

84
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Like, um, my wife and I, you know, uh…
That's the best sex to have, you know,

85
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after a big-ass fight with your wife,
you go home,

86
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and you have that makeup sex, you know.

87
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[man] Yeah!

88
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:45,368
You know, a… after… like, you know,
after something bad happens.

89
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You and your wife were fighting,

90
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:50,707
and her cousin
jumped you at the baby shower.

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00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:51,958
[crowd laughing]

92
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,503
And she's blowing you
so you won't press charges.

93
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"C'mon, papi, don't press charges.
That's my familia."

94
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Your fuckin' head is bleeding.

95
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,471
"I don't know,
they really beat the fuck out of me, man."

96
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,724
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

97
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,601
But you gotta know
when to start makeup sex.

98
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,061
I always start it too soon.

99
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,647
First of all,
you have to make up first to…

100
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,818
I always start makeup sex too soon.

101
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:21,529
You know,
while she's still crying, you know.

102
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She's like, "You fuckin' piece of shit--
[roars] What are you doin'?"

103
00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:29,454
[whimpers]

104
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:32,206
-[blows raspberries]
-[crowd laughing]

105
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,212
I'm married.
My wife and I, we love each other.

106
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:43,051
We watch a lot of porno together
to make the relationship work, you know.

107
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We watch a lot of porno,
but it's porno from 1909, you know.

108
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You know, Mack Sennett, D.W. Griffith.

109
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No sound, Charlie Chaplin style.

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I love it.
I'm watching a porno, masturbating.

111
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My wife is next to me
playing the piano for the movie.

112
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[crowd laughing]

113
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I gotta tell her to slow down.

114
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:08,284
"Stop playing so fucking fast.
What the fuck's wrong with you?"

115
00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:12,997
I don't know why I go this far.
It ain't that big.

116
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,957
[crowd laughing]

117
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,835
-I want people in the back to see it too.
-[laughing]

118
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,880
"Hey, what the fuck's
wrong with you?" [exclaims]

119
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,303
I don't have a long penis.
I just have a lot of foreskin, you know?

120
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,679
[crowd laughing]

121
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,766
But not enough dick to fill it all up.

122
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:38,022
When I get a hard-on,
it looks like a sweater with short arms.

123
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,108
[crowd laughing, giggling]

124
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,945
Like, "I don't fuck, I paint."

125
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:45,196
[crowd laughing]

126
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,116
They call me Pablo Pitazo.

127
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,575
[crowd giggling]

128
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[moaning] Jackson Pollock.

129
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:58,626
I remember,
when my wife and I first had sex,

130
00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:01,462
she gave me a Magnum condom.

131
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:06,175
I remember thinking to myself,
"Um, fuck. Who else is gonna be here?"

132
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,097
They're so huge, bro!

133
00:07:12,056 --> 00:07:15,017
They were so loose.
I put them on my arm first.

134
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:19,981
And when I put it on,
I was looking for a drawstring or s--

135
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,235
I have to hold it with my finger.

136
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My finger fell asleep.

137
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:35,121
I remember, when I was putting it on,
my wife saw me struggle… [groans]

138
00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,665
"Just put your balls in too, fuck it."

139
00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:38,875
[crowd laughing]

140
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:43,838
"Put those black albondigas
or black Mexican balls in there."

141
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:48,426
And my balls are black!
Like blacker than me.

142
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:51,596
Like, I should be fighting police reform.
Fight the power.

143
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:54,932
[crowd giggling]

144
00:07:56,684 --> 00:08:00,062
I am a big bush man. I like big bush!

145
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:04,609
So, ladies, if you have a big bush,
I'm down.

146
00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:07,153
Not everyone should shave their balls,
though.

147
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,573
I shave… Big fucking mistake.

148
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:14,660
And when I showed my wife.
"Babe, what you think, man?"

149
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:19,332
She said, "Wow, it looks like
a baby seal crying on the rocks."

150
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,833
[crowd laughing]

151
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:26,923
"All right, really? Fuck, bitch.
Baby seal? Not fucking regular seal?"

152
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:31,302
"Not a sea lion with a long neck?"

153
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,972
Now every time we have sex,

154
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:38,226
I keep hearing that man's voice
from the documentaries.

155
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,895
[in deep voice]
"The seal waits for his mom."

156
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:44,190
[squeals]

157
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:48,486
"Crying all night." [roars]

158
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,076
It's all right, guys.
If you don't have a big penis,

159
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women don't care about that.

160
00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:59,038
[scattered laughter]

161
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,625
Okay, maybe two women, man.

162
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,293
[crowd laughing]

163
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:08,214
Women want just a good-looking man.
A good-looking man they could brag about.

164
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,131
You know?

165
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:11,259
When you have an ugly man,

166
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,970
you only mention his qualities
when people ask you.

167
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,264
So how is Ruben?

168
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,976
-Now, he's a hard worker, let me tell you.
-[crowd laughing]

169
00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:23,938
Seventy hours a week.
We never see his ugly ass.

170
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:29,902
He knows how to provide for kids
that aren't his, you know?

171
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:35,283
But when you have a hot man,
you let everybody know.

172
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,243
"So, how is Fabien?"

173
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,746
"I don't know, but I can still feel him
inside of me right now."

174
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,875
"Like, he must have punctured a lung

175
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:47,336
or ripped one of my rib cages."

176
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:52,133
"All right, he can't read,
but he has a big-ass dick."

177
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,678
"He leaves me stupid sometimes."

178
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:03,227
"Gotta fuck him holding my purse.
That fool tried to rob me last time."

179
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:11,777
Don't cheat, guys.
Don't fucking cheat, man.

180
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,614
Especially if you're an old man,
like 40 and over.

181
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,282
What are you doing, old man?

182
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:21,078
They catch you cheating that old,
you're gonna be fucking homeless now.

183
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,622
[crowd laughing]

184
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,582
You're gonna be
outside your house begging,

185
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:27,126
"C'mon, honey, please. Please, baby."

186
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,879
"I'm a diabetic. I'm not gonna make it
all the way to my mom's."

187
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:34,258
"Please give me a Snicker bar
and an orange juice."

188
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,555
It's embarrassing
when they catch you cheating that old.

189
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,849
All the family knows.

190
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:42,975
They walk up to you,

191
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:45,770
"What happened, Grandpa?
You don't like Nana no more?"

192
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:47,229
[crowd laughing]

193
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,024
"You don't love Nana?"

194
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,986
"You fucked up Easter's."

195
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,575
A lot of women cheat too.
A lot of women cheat too.

196
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,412
But they get away with it 'cause they're
very successful cheaters, man.

197
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,874
There are women here
who are cheating right now

198
00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,834
but getting away with everything.

199
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,128
You know why women get away with cheating?

200
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,464
Because women
don't change when they cheat.

201
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:15,716
A woman goes home mad.

202
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,427
Goes, fucks ten guys.
Come home, still mad, though.

203
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,429
[crowd laughing]

204
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:24,475
She leaves your house a bitch.
Comes back, still a fucking bitch.

205
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:29,271
A man starts cheating,
everything fucking changes.

206
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:32,817
Shit, we start buying groceries
for the first time.

207
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,360
[crowd laughing]

208
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:36,987
We're helping with homework.

209
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,782
"Man, you're in fifth grade, mija?
I didn't even know."

210
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,453
Your wife starts noticing
your fucking change.

211
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:48,457
And she looks at you all of a sudden,
"Hmm, can I talk to you for a minute?"

212
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,086
"I notice you don't shit
in your pants no more. What's going on?"

213
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:53,421
[crowd laughing]

214
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,134
"Are you fucking somebody else?"

215
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:01,053
"Are you leaving your underwear
in someone else's house?"

216
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,557
"Oh, you're, like, reading now?"

217
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,518
[giggles softly]

218
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:10,187
"Who you fucking?
A teacher, you stupid-ass?"

219
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,735
Women cheat different.
Women cheat really up.

220
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:19,989
They're trying to better their lives,
trying to find a home for your kids.

221
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:21,532
Something we would never do.

222
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,867
[crowd laughing]

223
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,119
Women, they'll fuck a homeowner.

224
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,874
Like, if you catch your wife cheating,
it's gonna be a better man.

225
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:33,711
Like, if you're a dark person,
she's gonna fuck a lighter person.

226
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,423
Somebody with no black shit right here.

227
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,883
[crowd laughing]

228
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,428
Somebody with no black leather neck.

229
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,183
Someone with no skin tag on their eye.

230
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,479
It's gonna be a better man.

231
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:56,901
So, if you catch your wife cheating,
you shouldn't be upset.

232
00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,403
You should be happy for her.

233
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,322
You should be proud of her.

234
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,992
You should look at her and go,
"Wow, babe, you did it."

235
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,786
[crowd laughing]

236
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,663
You made it out of my mom's house
before me.

237
00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:14,585
You're a fucking homeowner, bitch.

238
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:17,463
Even your kids know it's better.

239
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:20,216
They're pulling you away,
"Go, Daddy, go, go!"

240
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,094
When women cheat, nobody really knows.

241
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:27,348
Only her whore friend at work knows.

242
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:32,603
Gladys from Guatemala.
That chapina. Bitch.

243
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,858
When men cheat, everyone fucking knows.

244
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:42,738
All the Chinese guys at the restaurant
start speaking English for the first time.

245
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:44,740
"Oh, you got friend?"

246
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,826
[crowd laughing]

247
00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,663
You go to a Mexican restaurant,
everybody whistling.

248
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:52,373
[whistles approvingly]

249
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,917
[whistles in admiration]

250
00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:00,589
Mariachis taking advantage of you.
"Oh, a new song for the new lady."

251
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,675
[crowd continues laughing]

252
00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:07,012
When we get caught cheating,

253
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:10,432
our wife is more embarrassed
than fucking hurt.

254
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,352
She just can't believe you're with that.

255
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,605
She's telling her friend, "Oh my God."

256
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:19,358
"I can't believe he was fucking that lady

257
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:21,569
that sells hot dogs outside Home Depot."

258
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:22,695
[crowd laughing]

259
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,739
He was fucking Doña Chayo.

260
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,703
No wonder that bitch
gave me a free Fanta this morning.

261
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,329
[crowd laughing]

262
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:37,293
Man, you ever cheat so much that your mom
and dad gotta have an intervention

263
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,378
for you to stop cheating on your wife?

264
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:41,046
[speaks in Spanish]

265
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,590
"What are you doing? Stop."

266
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,385
"Our house is in her name too.
You're fucking up, cabrón."

267
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,556
"We're about to lose everything."

268
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,727
"I don't wanna go back to Visalia.
I love Sacramento."

269
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:58,689
[crowd cheering]

270
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:03,819
It's sad when they kick you out

271
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,238
and you have to go back
to your mom's house.

272
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,284
But we don't go to our mom's house
right away, huh?

273
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,162
We wait a while. We hang out at the park.

274
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,708
You start hanging out with your friends
on Tuesday nights.

275
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:22,087
Then you finally go home,
and your father's not there either.

276
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:26,425
Your mom looks at you like you're a loser,
like you're never gonna make it. [sighs]

277
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:31,138
You're a loser, mijo,
45 years old and homeless.

278
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,933
My dad was caught cheating.

279
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:37,645
I caught my father cheating on my mom
when I was 16 years old.

280
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,731
The same day he caught me smoking weed.

281
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:44,860
I saw him with another woman.
We both looked at each other.

282
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,363
[inhales, exhales sharply]

283
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,284
He didn't say shit, I didn't say shit.

284
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,078
[crowd laughing]

285
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:56,830
I would come home late from school,
he would look at me and say,

286
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,248
"Where the fuck you been?"

287
00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:00,292
"Nah. Where the fuck you been?

288
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,877
[crowd laughing]

289
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,755
"How come you smell like marijuana?"

290
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,925
"How come you smell like food
we don't have in this house?"

291
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,802
[crowd laughing]

292
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,220
"Shut the fuck up!"

293
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,890
"I grew up in different times."

294
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:18,769
My dad would always say that
when he didn't wanna answer a serious…

295
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:21,605
"No, cabrón,
I grew up in different times."

296
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:22,856
My mom would say that too.

297
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:26,735
Like, when my brother
came out of the closet in seventh grade,

298
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,237
people were asking my mom…

299
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,072
[speaking in Spanish] …is gay?"

300
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:31,907
[speaking in Spanish] …is gay?

301
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,284
Is gay… [continues in Spanish] …is gay!

302
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:38,038
My mom would say, "No, pobrecito.
He grew up in different times."

303
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,333
"Now, what does that mean?"

304
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:44,003
"What? He was sucking dick
in different centuries?"

305
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,215
He was there when Columbus showed up.
"Columbus, welcome to America."

306
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:49,383
[grunting]

307
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,720
"Let me show you where the Mayans are at.
Follow me."

308
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,349
The first time I heard that it was--
My grandmother.

309
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:01,311
She was telling me
how she met my grandfather in Mexico.

310
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,689
I thought it was gonna be
one of those romantic stories

311
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:06,150
you can tell your kids later on, but nah.

312
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,777
It felt like she was confessing a crime,
you know?

313
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,237
[crowd laughing]

314
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,906
She said,
"Mijo, when I met your grandfather,

315
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,742
I was 14 years old."

316
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,245
"He was only 29, very young."

317
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:19,997
[crowd laughing]

318
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:24,543
"He took me from my mom's house.
I never saw my mom and dad again."

319
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:28,255
"Grandma! You were raped and kidnapped."

320
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,551
"No, mijo, I grew up in different times."

321
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:34,595
[crowd laughing]

322
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:38,390
I asked my grandfather that story,
the fucking rapist.

323
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:43,604
"Papa, grandma say
you kidnapped her and raped her!"

324
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,689
"Cabrón, she's a fucking liar."

325
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,026
"I gave her father $500."

326
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,529
"I grew up in different times."

327
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,865
[scattered applause]

328
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:57,659
There's a lot of homeless people
outside here, man.

329
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,747
They're all white, though.
We need more diversity.

330
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:07,336
When I see white homeless men,
I get sad, man.

331
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:11,215
I'm like, "Yeah, bro. It's the fucking end
of the world, bro. Look."

332
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:16,220
"If they don't give a fuck about them,
they ain't gonna give a fuck about us."

333
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,099
And white men,
they look different when they're homeless.

334
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:23,852
They look like pirates
that were shipwrecked somewhere. Arr!

335
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:30,776
They're pushing a pirate ship
full of trash. Arr!

336
00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:34,947
"Can you spare a dollar
for an old buccaneer?"

337
00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:39,618
You don't see
too many Latino or Mexican American

338
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:41,161
or Black homeless around here

339
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:44,373
because somebody's gonna recognize you
and talk shit.

340
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,125
[crowd exclaiming]

341
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,752
"Damn, bro.
I knew you were gonna be a loser."

342
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,212
"Fucking piece of shit."

343
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:51,964
"You know what, bro?"

344
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:54,675
"I'mma call your fucking mom right now.
We take it personal too."

345
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:59,179
"I'm gonna talk to your mom."
[speaks in Spanish] …dirty like a pirate.

346
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,143
"Bro, we talked to your mom.
You can come back home now, bro."

347
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,396
"You just gotta clean your room.
That's it."

348
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,984
I remember being single, man,
and lonely and sad

349
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,236
and driving home from work.

350
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:17,030
And I saw a homeless man
with a girlfriend, man.

351
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:21,118
I remember I put my head down,
"Fuck, what's wrong with me?"

352
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,747
"How does he have a lady?
He's cold, I'm warm. What the fuck?"

353
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,459
"How do you get a homeless woman?"

354
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:34,131
"Hey, baby, you wanna take long walks
that never end?"

355
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,924
[crowd laughing]

356
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:41,847
"You want this sky to be your ceiling?"

357
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,726
"Come with me if you want to live."

358
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:52,107
I remember one time, I was driving home,
I saw a beautiful homeless woman.

359
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,318
I'm like, "Mm…"

360
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,780
My little Project Runway right here.

361
00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:03,535
I mean, there's nothing wrong with her,
you know.

362
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:06,330
She's only arguing with a stop sign.
That's it.

363
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,167
She's like, "Don't tell me what to do."

364
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:11,418
[crowd laughing]

365
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:16,131
Give it up for white people living here.
White people, mm…

366
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,425
White power!

367
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,222
Nobody gives it to white people.
White people are fucking smart.

368
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,183
Man, you gotta give it up for them.
They always have money, man.

369
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:27,517
You know, why?

370
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:31,104
Because white people never send money
back to Ireland to anybody.

371
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:32,731
[crowd laughing]

372
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:36,860
White people don't have losers in Germany.
You know?

373
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:42,157
White people never get calls
from family members in other countries,

374
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,576
"Damn, you think
you're all bad over there."

375
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:49,248
"Living in America,
eating ranch like a fucking king."

376
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,504
White people never walk around
worrying about family members

377
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:56,588
in other countries.

378
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,006
Like, "Yeah, man,

379
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,842
my grandmother in Dublin
is suffering right now."

380
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:04,304
They're about to take
her potato farm. Fuck!

381
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:09,351
I should send her a couple of shillings.

382
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,397
White people are smart.

383
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,234
As soon as their kids turn 18,
they already have a plan for them.

384
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:20,070
"Listen, Thomas Gunnar Skylar…"

385
00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,530
[crowd giggling]

386
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:25,867
"…you're fucking 18.
You have to make decisions in life."

387
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,120
"College or get a job."

388
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,621
"Dad, I wanna be an actor."

389
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:32,040
"You got two weeks to make it,
motherfucker."

390
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,625
[crowd laughing]

391
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:34,835
Not Latinos, man.

392
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:38,046
Latinos would have
a fuckin' 45-year-old rapper

393
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,214
still living at home.

394
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,716
[crowd laughing]

395
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:44,219
Fifty years old,
starting a T-shirt business.

396
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,346
[crowd laughing and cheering]

397
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:51,643
"Support me, homes."

398
00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,647
Like, white people love each other.

399
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,191
You saw white people outside
greeting each other.

400
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:00,527
They haven't seen each other
in a long time.

401
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:03,780
They hug each other.
They close their eyes.

402
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:04,823
They say to each other,

403
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:07,159
"Fuckin' Montague,
I love you, fuckin' April."

404
00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:10,454
"Fuckin' Bert, fuckin' Jonathan."

405
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:13,582
I never close my eyes for a hug.

406
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:16,752
Shit, I'm always watching my back.
[groans]

407
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:22,549
I closed my eyes when I was nine.
Somebody grabbed my pipi… [groans]

408
00:22:22,632 --> 00:22:24,009
[crowd laughing]

409
00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:26,219
No!

410
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:31,641
Even on my birthday,
I blow out my candle with my eyes open.

411
00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:33,018
[blowing heavily]

412
00:22:34,227 --> 00:22:36,605
[blowing]

413
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:38,440
You gotta watch your back.

414
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:40,776
Somebody try to slam
your face in the cake.

415
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,154
That's what they do, man.
They shove your face in the cake.

416
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:47,532
It's cool, you know,
when you're eight, nine, twelve, fifteen…

417
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:51,578
But when you are fucking 47 and diabetic…
C'mon, man!

418
00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,706
Warn me first!

419
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:57,959
"Bro, if you're gonna do that to me,
I gotta take my medicine first, fool."

420
00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:59,169
[poking]

421
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:00,962
[crowd laughing]

422
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,507
Universal Soldier ready, homie.

423
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,802
Where's that Duncan Hines?

424
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:12,724
Now, white people, they know
how to deal with family issues, man.

425
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:16,520
They be on the phone, "Listen, Jennifer,
you fuckin' stupid-ass bitch."

426
00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:19,898
And you're like, "Sarah, who's Jennifer?"

427
00:23:19,981 --> 00:23:21,817
"My mom. Fuck that bitch."

428
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,151
[crowd laughing]

429
00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:28,615
Latinos and Blacks,
shit, your mom can stab your wife!

430
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,828
And you just say, "That's my mom, bro.
That's the way she is."

431
00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:36,748
"That's my jefita, bro. She's a Gemini.
You saw her bad side."

432
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:38,500
"You don't fuck around, bro."

433
00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:41,711
"My mom, bro.
She grew up in different times, you know."

434
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:42,921
[man] Whoo!

435
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:46,091
My wife, a Capricorn.
Talking all that shit, bro, you know.

436
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:49,052
She only got stabbed once.
She'll be all right.

437
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,681
We put duct tape on her stomach.
She's gonna be fine.

438
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:58,019
Like, your mom can make fun
of your speech impairment, still.

439
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,772
And all you do is say,
"That's my m-m-m-m-mom right there, bro."

440
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:03,859
"You only get o-o-o-o-one."

441
00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:05,444
[crowd laughing and giggling]

442
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:09,531
Now, your mom can open your mail
in front of you,

443
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,366
laugh at your check.

444
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:14,995
Your friends are watching.

445
00:24:15,078 --> 00:24:18,165
"Hey, bro, your fuckin' mom
just committed a federal offense."

446
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:20,750
"Please, bro.
Don't say f-f-f-federal, bro."

447
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,002
[crowd laughing]

448
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:24,963
"She don't know what she did, bro.
She thought it was her Herbalife check."

449
00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:26,756
-"Don't fuck around."
-[man] Whoo!

450
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:33,763
Like, white people,
they deal with mental illness

451
00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:35,515
better than Black people and Latinos.

452
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:37,767
At least they mention it. They warn you.

453
00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:39,728
"Watch out for my uncle Ron, man."

454
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:43,607
"Vietnam vet.
Do not wear black pajamas around him."

455
00:24:45,108 --> 00:24:48,278
"Do not come out of a tunnel.
He'll fuck you up, bro."

456
00:24:49,779 --> 00:24:50,906
Latinos and Blacks,

457
00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:53,533
we have crazy motherfuckers
in our families.

458
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:57,245
-[man exclaiming]
-We just cash their check, and that's it.

459
00:24:58,788 --> 00:25:02,083
We give them a fuckin' funny nickname
and move on.

460
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:06,671
"Hey, bro, who's that crazy guy?"
"Oh, it's my uncle Twilight Zone, bro."

461
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,757
[hums Twilight Zone theme melody]

462
00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:13,470
"Yeah, bro. He hasn't been the same
since the Gulf War, bro."

463
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:18,391
And, eeh, he wasn't even there, bro.
He got beat up at a Raider game, bro.

464
00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:20,560
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

465
00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:23,230
Not even at the stadium. At a house party.

466
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:31,279
But we're afraid to tell him the score.
He might go crazy, you know.

467
00:25:32,113 --> 00:25:34,115
[crowd continues laughing]

468
00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,912
I remember,
I bought a burrito at a taco truck.

469
00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:42,958
And right after I paid for my burrito,
they robbed the taco truck.

470
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,294
That lady got up all scared.
[speaking in Spanish]

471
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,129
"We got robbed."

472
00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:51,091
"I know, but where's my burrito, though?"

473
00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:52,592
[crowd laughing]

474
00:25:53,718 --> 00:25:55,887
"I mean, nobody took tortillas from you."

475
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,347
[crowd laughing]

476
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:02,894
"Nobody took carne asada,
nobody took horchata,

477
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:04,104
nobody took anything."

478
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:09,985
"I mean, if you don't make me a burrito,
you're robbing me now."

479
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:15,282
"I know you don't have my change."

480
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:19,202
"But now I want extra guacamole for $2."

481
00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:23,456
"And two large horchatas.
Me and my wife want one."

482
00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:28,003
"My wife is from Ohio,
so she never had horchata before."

483
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:30,380
She asked me,
"What does horchata taste like?"

484
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:33,425
"Well, I'm Mexican.
To me, it always tasted like horchata."

485
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:36,011
-"I don't know what to tell you."
-[crowd laughing]

486
00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:39,931
My wife is from Ohio, man.

487
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:44,019
She's Irish, she's white,
she's blue eyes, blond hair.

488
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:47,397
We went to a birthday party
in Ohio with her family, man.

489
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,232
It was different from my family.

490
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:51,484
It was like a culture shock,
you know, like…

491
00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:55,280
That was the first party I ever went to
that ended, you know. It ended.

492
00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:57,073
[crowd laughing]

493
00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,119
And they were waving bye to people.
I was still eating.

494
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,708
Everybody showed up
with enough gas to go home.

495
00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:11,338
Nobody left a baby behind
to got to the club.

496
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:18,678
That was the first party I ever been to
that when I got to the party,

497
00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:22,140
nobody from the party sent us
to go get something for the party.

498
00:27:22,223 --> 00:27:25,393
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

499
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:28,855
Like, nobody said, "Felipe,
don't park, don't park. We need chairs."

500
00:27:29,939 --> 00:27:33,151
"You still work for the city?
Go get the city chairs."

501
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:35,320
"Lose your job for this party."

502
00:27:37,822 --> 00:27:41,076
Like… At my wife's party,
people were leaving early.

503
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:44,954
And they let them leave early.
Nobody said, "Puto!"

504
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:46,831
"Where you goin', puto?"

505
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:49,751
"You're not family.
Get the fuck out of here."

506
00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,045
"Get the fuck out of here!"

507
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:56,132
Nah, man, we just left.
You know, nobody said shit.

508
00:27:56,925 --> 00:28:00,887
Not like at our parties, man.
We don't know when the party ends, man.

509
00:28:00,970 --> 00:28:03,390
You leave the party early.
You go to your house.

510
00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:06,476
You're watching a Story.
"Man, they're still partying, babe."

511
00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:09,521
"Mariachis are now wearing T-shirts."

512
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,983
You watch the news at nine in the morning.

513
00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:16,820
"Nine people stabbed at baby shower."

514
00:28:18,029 --> 00:28:19,072
[man] Oh!

515
00:28:19,155 --> 00:28:20,740
That was our house, babe.

516
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:23,535
At my wife's party, it was different.

517
00:28:23,618 --> 00:28:27,664
Like, nobody there brought up the past
to start a fight.

518
00:28:27,747 --> 00:28:29,374
[crowd laughing]

519
00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:32,585
Nobody started a toast like this,

520
00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:35,088
"You know what?
Fuck all you motherfuckers."

521
00:28:36,339 --> 00:28:38,341
-[scattered applause]
-[cheering]

522
00:28:39,342 --> 00:28:41,386
Yeah, man, I love my wife, man. My wife,

523
00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:44,889
um, she has a bachelor's degree
and a master's degree.

524
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:46,391
-[cheering]
-[scattered whistles]

525
00:28:46,474 --> 00:28:50,520
Yeah, man. And once I get my GED,
we're gonna be a power couple.

526
00:28:50,603 --> 00:28:52,605
[crowd cheering and laughing]

527
00:28:53,773 --> 00:28:55,734
We're gonna be two smart people.

528
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:59,696
I'mma walk into the bank
for the first time, uh?

529
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:02,907
"So this is where my overdraft fees
are at, huh?"

530
00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:04,617
[crowd laughing]

531
00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:07,787
My wife does everything for me, man.

532
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:10,665
I don't even know how much money
I'm making tonight. She knows.

533
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:14,043
I give her the money.
All the bills get paid.

534
00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:17,046
If she dies tomorrow,
I'll be homeless in three days.

535
00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:22,093
I didn't even know my own address
without looking at my fuckin' ID.

536
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:25,263
"Where do you live?"
"Hold on, officer, I live right there."

537
00:29:29,309 --> 00:29:31,936
I didn't even know, like, actors' names.

538
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:34,731
I didn't even know
the name of the movie I just watched.

539
00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:37,400
And my wife looks at me,
"What are you watching?"

540
00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:39,903
"I'm watching this show
called Schitt's Creek."

541
00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:42,405
"Who's in it?"

542
00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:44,991
"Oh, fuck. Um…" [splutters]

543
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:47,494
"Home Alone's mom is in it."

544
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,245
[crowd laughing]

545
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:52,415
"You know, that lady that says, 'Kevin!"'

546
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,878
"And American Pie's dad's in it."

547
00:29:57,587 --> 00:30:00,799
He's that guy
with the Russian-Armenian eyebrows

548
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:01,883
like this and shit.

549
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:03,968
[crowd laughing]

550
00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:07,639
You gotta marry a smart woman, guys.

551
00:30:07,722 --> 00:30:10,016
Two dumb motherfuckers will not survive.

552
00:30:10,099 --> 00:30:11,559
[crowd laughing]

553
00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:15,313
Dumb couples break up in parking lots
when they can't find the car.

554
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:17,982
"You can't find the car?"

555
00:30:18,066 --> 00:30:20,527
"It's over, you stupid-ass!"

556
00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:23,905
"Baby, we fuckin' took an Uber here."

557
00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:28,576
"That's why I love you. You're so random."

558
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:34,874
You gotta marry somebody
opposite of what you are, man.

559
00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:38,378
Like, if you are a badass dude
that likes to fight,

560
00:30:38,461 --> 00:30:41,256
you gotta get a chick
that's mature enough to tell you

561
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:42,590
to shut the fuck up.

562
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:43,633
[crowd cheering]

563
00:30:43,716 --> 00:30:47,595
You can't be marrying another
badass bitch that likes to fight too.

564
00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:51,182
There's no such thing as ride-or-die.

565
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:54,060
This is what's gonna happen, bro.
You're gonna die.

566
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:55,979
[crowd laughing]

567
00:30:56,062 --> 00:30:58,106
She's gonna ride away.

568
00:30:58,189 --> 00:31:00,650
[crowd cheering]

569
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:04,028
You gotta be married to a woman that knows

570
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:05,947
that you ain't shit no more.

571
00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,575
A woman that's gonna look at you and go,

572
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:12,245
"Honey, what the fuck are you doing?
You're 45, you're fat, you're diabetic."

573
00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:15,874
"You wanna die here, babe?"

574
00:31:18,585 --> 00:31:22,130
'Cause I get excited too, you know,
after a MMA fight, you know?

575
00:31:22,213 --> 00:31:24,424
A Mexican wins, I get out the window,

576
00:31:24,507 --> 00:31:26,175
"I should fuck somebody up!"

577
00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:30,680
My wife looks at me,
"Honey, honey, don't forget what happened

578
00:31:30,763 --> 00:31:32,682
to you at Little Caesars last week."

579
00:31:34,100 --> 00:31:37,312
"Remember, honey, your flip-flop ripped,
and you twisted your ankle?"

580
00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:38,855
[crowd laughing]

581
00:31:39,814 --> 00:31:43,359
"All the managers and employees
were fucking you up."

582
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:44,944
[crowd laughing]

583
00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:49,365
"Even the guy that was there
for a job interview fucked you up."

584
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:53,494
"They hired him
after he kicked you in the head."

585
00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:57,457
They said,
"That's what I call leadership."

586
00:31:57,540 --> 00:31:58,625
[crowd laughing]

587
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:02,128
Man, you don't wanna get
your ass beat in front of your family.

588
00:32:02,211 --> 00:32:03,630
It's embarrassing, man.

589
00:32:04,172 --> 00:32:06,382
Like road rage.

590
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:09,594
You have to go back in your car
like nothing happened.

591
00:32:10,511 --> 00:32:13,139
Like you didn't get
your ass beat on the highway.

592
00:32:18,394 --> 00:32:19,854
[quivering]

593
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:21,940
[crowd laughing]

594
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:25,568
"Daddy, how come
you're in the back seat with us?"

595
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:27,445
[crowd laughing]

596
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:31,199
"Mommy's gonna drive."

597
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:35,244
That's sad, man,

598
00:32:35,328 --> 00:32:38,581
when your wife has to drive you home
after they beat your ass.

599
00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:41,876
And she's trying
not to laugh or say anything.

600
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:48,383
"I thought you were taking
jiujitsu classes on YouTube."

601
00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:51,302
-[crowd laughing, cheering]
-[scattered applause]

602
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:54,806
"I guess it's different
when they all come at you at once, huh?"

603
00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:00,728
"We're gonna get you Taco Bell.
Don't cry."

604
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:02,146
[crowd laughing]

605
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:06,192
You're in the… [quivering]

606
00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:09,946
I love being married, man.

607
00:33:10,029 --> 00:33:12,991
When you're married, man,
you don't talk dirty when you're married.

608
00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:15,410
You know whose pussy this is already.

609
00:33:16,202 --> 00:33:17,704
It's mine. [snorts]

610
00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:21,582
"Yeah, this pussy pissed me off earlier."

611
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:22,875
[crowd laughing]

612
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,753
"Was talking a lot of shit at Target."

613
00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:30,508
"Corrected my English
in front of the manager."

614
00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:31,801
[crowd laughing]

615
00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:35,054
"Made me look like a fuckin' wetback
in front of everybody."

616
00:33:35,138 --> 00:33:36,264
[crowd laughing]

617
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:39,851
Your wife is talking shit too.

618
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,520
"Who's the asshole
who left the oven on all night?"

619
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:48,401
I love being married, man,

620
00:33:48,484 --> 00:33:51,988
'cause you don't have to finish the job.
You just gotta be there. [moans]

621
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,907
You ever lose your hard-on
and just gave up?

622
00:33:54,991 --> 00:33:57,577
And just tell your wife,
"You know, let's try tomorrow."

623
00:33:59,328 --> 00:34:00,705
"You're gonna be here, right?"

624
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:05,710
[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

625
00:34:05,793 --> 00:34:07,962
Tomorrow, five o'clock again, right?

626
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:10,631
It's sad, though.

627
00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:13,760
It still hurts you… It hurts your ego
when you lose your hard-on.

628
00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:17,680
You're still pumping,
and nothing there, just a paintbrush.

629
00:34:17,764 --> 00:34:19,223
[crowd laughing]

630
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:22,351
And your wife knows.
"You wanna take a break?"

631
00:34:25,354 --> 00:34:26,522
"Yeah." [sighs]

632
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,985
"The fuckin' TV's too loud, babe."

633
00:34:33,237 --> 00:34:36,324
"I'm trying to fuck
and solve a case of Forensic Files?"

634
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:37,742
[crowd laughing]

635
00:34:38,951 --> 00:34:41,662
"I'm too involved.
I'm too invested in the case."

636
00:34:44,373 --> 00:34:46,751
"What?
They're gonna bring a splatter expert?"

637
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:48,294
[crowd laughing]

638
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:56,636
My fuckin' titties hang now.

639
00:34:58,054 --> 00:34:59,180
I'm on top of my wife.

640
00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:01,099
They're hitting her face. [thudding]

641
00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:07,772
I gotta hold 'em.

642
00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:09,857
-[scattered applause]
-[crowd laughing]

643
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:18,741
My wife got me a sports bra.

644
00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:20,076
[crowd laughing]

645
00:35:20,159 --> 00:35:21,953
I hate wearing it.

646
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:26,457
I'm on top of her.
She's trying to put her hand inside.

647
00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:28,459
[crowd laughing]

648
00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:29,669
[scoffs softly]

649
00:35:33,131 --> 00:35:35,133
[crowd laughing, giggling]

650
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,556
"Scratch me back here, please."

651
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:44,308
[scattered applause]

652
00:35:47,019 --> 00:35:48,980
[crowd cheering]

653
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:57,280
Yeah. I'm married.
I wear my ring wherever I go.

654
00:35:58,114 --> 00:35:59,115
To let women know

655
00:35:59,198 --> 00:36:01,826
that I am not looking
for a serious relationship.

656
00:36:01,909 --> 00:36:03,327
[crowd laughing]

657
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,791
If you wear your ring,
women stay away from you, you know.

658
00:36:08,875 --> 00:36:12,253
All the good ones stay away from you,
but the bad ones stick around.

659
00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:14,046
They walk up to you,

660
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:16,257
"Yeah, but are you happily married
right now?"

661
00:36:17,758 --> 00:36:19,302
With a titty hanging out.

662
00:36:24,724 --> 00:36:27,018
"Yeah, I'm happily married, man."

663
00:36:34,233 --> 00:36:36,694
You don't wanna have an argument
in the morning.

664
00:36:36,777 --> 00:36:39,739
"I just found out you're married,
you liar. You didn't tell me."

665
00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:41,073
"I didn't tell I was married?"

666
00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:44,744
"You didn't feel my ring in your mouth
when I was choking your ass?"

667
00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:47,371
"When I was putting it in your ass

668
00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:49,749
and then putting it in my mouth,
you didn't notice?"

669
00:36:49,832 --> 00:36:50,833
[crowd groaning]

670
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:55,504
"You didn't hear my phone vibrate?"
[imitates vibration]

671
00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:57,590
"'Scam likely' looking for me."

672
00:37:01,510 --> 00:37:04,430
I'm getting older, man.
I am at the age now where…

673
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:07,350
where fuckin' milk and dairy products

674
00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:10,811
will fuck up my body more
than cocaine and PCP.

675
00:37:10,895 --> 00:37:12,355
[crowd laughing]

676
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:16,275
I'm at a party, tweaking and shit.

677
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:22,114
"Oh, is that milk?
Oh fuck. Let's get the fuck out of here."

678
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:25,451
[makes fart sound] "Too late."

679
00:37:26,661 --> 00:37:29,538
"Fuck, I'm never coming back here again."
[makes fart sound]

680
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:33,292
You get older, man.

681
00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:37,046
I am at the age now
where I can see all my favorite rock bands

682
00:37:37,129 --> 00:37:39,382
at Six Flags Magic Mountain.

683
00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:45,596
You know what I'm talking about, bro.
W… when… when I was young…

684
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,474
[in deep voice]
…"This summer. One night only."

685
00:37:48,557 --> 00:37:49,684
[woman shrieking]

686
00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:53,896
But now, it's, "This Wednesday,
included with your ticket…

687
00:37:55,189 --> 00:37:58,067
Santana and Baby Bash!"

688
00:37:58,150 --> 00:38:00,778
[crowd cheering]

689
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,531
[women shrieking]

690
00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:07,159
[crowd laughing and cheering]

691
00:38:09,662 --> 00:38:12,373
When you're coked-out,
you think you're all bad, huh?

692
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,967
You see somebody smoking meth,
you look and say,

693
00:38:23,050 --> 00:38:25,761
"Fuck, they're doing drugs here.
I can't believe it."

694
00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:29,223
"Where's my wife?
We're out of here. Let's go, babe."

695
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:31,475
"This is not the baby shower
I wanna be at."

696
00:38:35,604 --> 00:38:38,065
When you smoke marijuana,
you look stupid, huh?

697
00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:40,443
Now, you say dumb things.

698
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:43,279
With cocaine,
you look intelligent after one bump.

699
00:38:47,199 --> 00:38:49,285
I have a business idea. Hear me out.

700
00:38:49,368 --> 00:38:50,745
[crowd laughing]

701
00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:56,709
Like, if somebody would've taken me
to Shark Tank at that moment,

702
00:38:56,792 --> 00:38:58,169
I'll close that deal.

703
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:04,425
"Yeah, sharks, I just need, um, $200."

704
00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:06,093
[crowd laughing]

705
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:11,349
"And I'll give you 90% of the business."

706
00:39:13,893 --> 00:39:15,686
That's not gonna happen.
What's gonna happen is

707
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:18,272
my mom's gonna catch me
going through her purse.

708
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:23,319
She's gonna look at me, all sad.
And she's like… [sighs]

709
00:39:23,402 --> 00:39:27,531
I'mma look at her and go… say,
"Mom, you wanna be a partner or n-n-not?"

710
00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,744
"You wanna make real money, cabróna?"

711
00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:37,583
When you watch that…
the shows like Narcos on Netflix

712
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:39,168
or Griselda,

713
00:39:39,251 --> 00:39:41,796
there's always a bunch of hot chicks

714
00:39:41,879 --> 00:39:44,882
having orgies, threesomes.

715
00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:47,259
-Those are lies.
-[crowd laughing]

716
00:39:47,343 --> 00:39:49,345
I've never done that with women.

717
00:39:50,137 --> 00:39:52,139
The women I party with party like this.

718
00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:53,849
[sniffs] "Oh my God!"

719
00:39:53,933 --> 00:39:55,810
"Who's gonna pick up
my kids from school now?"

720
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:57,478
[crowd laughing]

721
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:03,484
You're having a good time?

722
00:40:03,567 --> 00:40:06,779
[crowd cheering, whistling] Yeah!

723
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:09,865
-[woman exclaiming]
-[man] Whoo!

724
00:40:09,949 --> 00:40:11,617
[woman] We love you, Felipe!

725
00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:13,035
I love you too, man.

726
00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,746
I'm so glad that some of you guys
brought your wives here,

727
00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:17,498
your girlfriends here, to the show.

728
00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:21,961
'Cause sometimes your wife's vagina
has to see other things, you know.

729
00:40:22,044 --> 00:40:23,379
[crowd laughing]

730
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:27,091
'Cause when you fuck your wife
in the same house, the same room,

731
00:40:27,174 --> 00:40:30,886
she never has an orgasm, man.
All your mistakes are in that house.

732
00:40:33,180 --> 00:40:37,726
You have to excite your wife, man.
You have to pick her up from her job.

733
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:39,812
Take her to a fine restaurant,

734
00:40:39,895 --> 00:40:41,439
take her to a cheap motel.

735
00:40:41,522 --> 00:40:43,107
You know, those motels,

736
00:40:43,190 --> 00:40:46,026
where the letters don't work,
only says "EL."

737
00:40:47,194 --> 00:40:50,739
You fuck her,
then you throw 50 bucks in her face.

738
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:54,034
"See you at home, bitch."

739
00:40:56,162 --> 00:40:57,830
Now, that's exciting.

740
00:40:57,913 --> 00:40:59,331
[woman laughs] Whoo!

741
00:40:59,415 --> 00:41:02,126
'Cause when you have--
When you fuck your wife in the same house,

742
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:04,628
man, you're behind her, man,

743
00:41:06,005 --> 00:41:09,717
and she's just staring at a towel
you haven't picked up in two weeks.

744
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,802
[crowd laughing and shrieking]

745
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:19,935
And you know that's your towel.
"Yeah, pick it up, bitch."

746
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:25,065
And she sees the shitty underwear
you tried to hide under the bed.

747
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:29,028
"Honey, hurry up.
I gotta do a lot of shit after this."

748
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:32,364
"I gotta pull this fucking carpet out."

749
00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:37,495
[crowd continues laughing]

750
00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:44,043
I'm so glad I'm married though.
When I was single, I was dating a woman.

751
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:45,044
She was into goth.

752
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:47,546
I don't know if you know
what a goth person is.

753
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:49,507
My ma had no idea what a goth person was.

754
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:52,301
She thought
she was just a little witch with bad luck.

755
00:41:52,384 --> 00:41:53,802
[crowd laughing]

756
00:41:54,678 --> 00:41:57,848
She was beautiful, man.
The way I like 'em. She was thick too.

757
00:41:57,932 --> 00:42:01,393
She looked like Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday Addams, you know.

758
00:42:02,645 --> 00:42:05,814
She was crazy, man.
She had a fucking Ouija board back here.

759
00:42:07,233 --> 00:42:10,277
It was creeping me out.
I'm behind her and shit. [groans]

760
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,656
She's like…
[in demonic voice] …"Who am I?"

761
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:17,076
"What's my name?"

762
00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:21,705
I'm like, "All right, babe.
Let's find out who the fuck you are."

763
00:42:23,415 --> 00:42:27,127
"P, U, T, A.
Puta, babe, that's who you are."

764
00:42:27,628 --> 00:42:30,381
"The power of Christ compels you."

765
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,637
"Why you do this to me?"

766
00:42:39,265 --> 00:42:42,601
Yeah, man.
I walked in on my mom and dad having sex.

767
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:43,602
[crowd] Oh!

768
00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:45,354
When I was 35 years old.

769
00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:47,106
[crowd laughing]

770
00:42:47,189 --> 00:42:48,899
It feels like yesterday.

771
00:42:50,693 --> 00:42:52,611
I came into the house. I kept hearing…

772
00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:54,113
[panting heavily]

773
00:42:54,196 --> 00:42:57,783
[hissing heavily]

774
00:42:57,866 --> 00:43:00,119
[panting and hissing]

775
00:43:00,202 --> 00:43:02,037
My father breathing hard.

776
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:04,498
[panting heavily]

777
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,125
And his car keys shaking.

778
00:43:06,208 --> 00:43:08,794
[hissing]

779
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:13,424
[continues hissing]

780
00:43:14,508 --> 00:43:17,636
I looked down on my mom.
She looked sad, looking at me.

781
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,763
[woman] Aw!

782
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,890
"I grew up in different times, mijo."

783
00:43:23,934 --> 00:43:25,728
[speaks in Spanish]

784
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:30,899
My mom was folding clothes.

785
00:43:34,236 --> 00:43:36,238
I helped her fold a blanket.

786
00:43:43,579 --> 00:43:46,290
[crowd continues laughing, shrieking]

787
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:48,709
"Ready, Mom?"

788
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:50,961
-[crowd cheering]
-[scattered applause]

789
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:53,047
My dad pulled my hair.

790
00:43:55,549 --> 00:43:57,051
I couldn't complain.

791
00:43:57,635 --> 00:44:00,262
That was the first time
we did something together.

792
00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:01,639
[crowd laughing]

793
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:07,645
I grew up in a very hardcore heterosexual,
machismo home, man.

794
00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:10,314
Very male chauvinistic home.

795
00:44:10,397 --> 00:44:12,733
My… like… my dad was one of those fathers

796
00:44:12,816 --> 00:44:15,986
that he didn't want the boys
to cry in front of him.

797
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,364
My dad would look at me and go…
[speaking in Spanish]

798
00:44:18,447 --> 00:44:19,948
"You wanna suck a dick or what?"

799
00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:22,159
You know, like…

800
00:44:22,242 --> 00:44:24,995
[speaking in Spanish] "Don't cry, mijo."

801
00:44:25,621 --> 00:44:29,124
My dad was one of those dads
that if a baseball hit you in the face,

802
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:31,710
instead of calling for help,

803
00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:34,546
he would get that dirty ball
and rub it on your eye.

804
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:38,467
He'd look at you,
"Don't fuckin' cry, son of a bitch."

805
00:44:38,550 --> 00:44:40,636
"You wanna suck a dick or what?"

806
00:44:41,303 --> 00:44:43,722
I'm like, "No, I don't wanna suck a dick.
I don't wanna cry."

807
00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:47,184
It was hard growing up like that, man.

808
00:44:47,267 --> 00:44:48,852
My dad didn't let us cry.

809
00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:52,439
I remember watching Bambi,
and Bambi's mom was dying.

810
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:55,317
And my sister and my mom were crying.

811
00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,820
My little brother and I,
we had to hold it in, like…

812
00:44:57,903 --> 00:45:00,447
[howling]

813
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:02,908
[howling shakily]

814
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:07,079
We had to pretend it was hilarious.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

815
00:45:07,162 --> 00:45:09,498
-[crowd laughing]
-"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

816
00:45:10,457 --> 00:45:13,419
It was sad growing up like that,
holding emotions in.

817
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:17,381
Like, we… I couldn't cry for Bambi's mom
until I was 30 years old.

818
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:18,674
[woman giggles]

819
00:45:18,757 --> 00:45:21,176
I was coked-out in an alley,
crying and shit…

820
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:23,345
[sobbing]

821
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,806
[sobbing] "Bambi's mom!"

822
00:45:26,598 --> 00:45:29,184
Fuckin' big-ass coke booger hanging down…

823
00:45:29,268 --> 00:45:32,020
-[crowd laughing]
-[crying] "Bambi's mom!"

824
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:35,941
[cries] "Bambi's mom!"

825
00:45:36,650 --> 00:45:37,651
[thudding]

826
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:43,198
They… they fucking kicked me
out of the party.

827
00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:46,410
My big homie comes up to me,
"Why you crying, homie?"

828
00:45:46,493 --> 00:45:49,246
"Bambi's mom, bro." [sniffing]

829
00:45:49,872 --> 00:45:51,290
"Don't cry, homie. Don't cry."

830
00:45:51,373 --> 00:45:53,500
See that big old
fucking spider web right there?"

831
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,961
"Yeah, it's spider web." [sniffs]
"No, homie."

832
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:58,088
"That's fuckin' Charlotte's web."

833
00:45:58,172 --> 00:46:00,174
[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

834
00:46:01,091 --> 00:46:03,093
And that's why I like cocaine.

835
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:05,345
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

836
00:46:06,346 --> 00:46:08,348
Thank you for your applause.

837
00:46:09,475 --> 00:46:11,602
[crowd cheering and applauding]

838
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:13,187
[whistling]

839
00:46:15,272 --> 00:46:17,316
Is that you husband in the white T-shirt?

840
00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:18,275
[woman] No.

841
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:19,526
He's your son?

842
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:21,278
[scattered laughing]

843
00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:24,531
You know him?

844
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:27,534
How old are you, bro?

845
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,579
-[man] Twenty-three.
-Twenty-three. Twenty-three years old.

846
00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:31,997
What is that like?

847
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:35,834
To order extra cheese with no fear?

848
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,544
[crowd laughing]

849
00:46:38,545 --> 00:46:41,381
Extra cheese. Fuck it.
[makes fart noise] You only live once.

850
00:46:42,674 --> 00:46:44,343
If I order extra cheese,

851
00:46:44,426 --> 00:46:47,304
I gotta know
where I'm gonna be in the next three days.

852
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:53,352
I don't wanna be in an airplane going,
"Ah, I fucked up." [makes fart noise]

853
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:56,814
What's that like, bro, 23 years old?

854
00:46:56,897 --> 00:46:59,358
You take a fucking fat shit like this.

855
00:47:01,235 --> 00:47:04,321
You wipe your ass, nothing on the paper.

856
00:47:04,404 --> 00:47:05,781
[crowd laughing]

857
00:47:10,035 --> 00:47:13,247
You can't believe it. "What the fuck?
Are you serious? Is that me?"

858
00:47:13,330 --> 00:47:14,498
[crowd laughing]

859
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,294
You get older, bro, it changes.

860
00:47:20,587 --> 00:47:23,549
I take a shit right now,
I gotta wash my back.

861
00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:25,175
[crowd laughing]

862
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:28,637
I gotta take a shit with no T-shirt on.

863
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:30,472
[crowd laughing]

864
00:47:33,183 --> 00:47:35,102
[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

865
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:37,354
I gotta clean the toilet afterwards.

866
00:47:40,649 --> 00:47:43,068
"Bathroom's closed. Go to Starbucks."

867
00:47:47,072 --> 00:47:49,783
And if you're a man
that lives with a woman, man,

868
00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:51,618
clean the toilet if you take a shit.

869
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:55,247
-[woman] Yes!
-If you leave one stain, clean it.

870
00:47:56,039 --> 00:47:57,833
Because your wife might clean it,

871
00:47:57,916 --> 00:48:00,836
you think she forgot about it.
She didn't fucking forget, man.

872
00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:04,631
She will bring it up in a conversation.

873
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,385
Ten years from now,
you're coming home from a funeral.

874
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:09,761
You're sad.

875
00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:15,559
"Babe, you wanna know
why I've been sad for ten years?"

876
00:48:15,642 --> 00:48:17,185
[crowd laughing]

877
00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:23,483
"Babe, I almost died ten years ago."

878
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:24,985
[crowd laughing]

879
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:30,073
"They should have buried that toilet
with your mom."

880
00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:31,658
[crowd groaning]

881
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:37,581
So, that's your boyfriend?
Young man is your boyfriend?

882
00:48:37,664 --> 00:48:38,749
[woman] Uh, yeah.

883
00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:39,958
Fuck, yeah, hey.

884
00:48:41,209 --> 00:48:43,086
That's good that you got a young man.

885
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:45,339
You gotta have a young man,
someone that believes in you,

886
00:48:45,422 --> 00:48:47,466
because older men
don't believe in you no more.

887
00:48:47,549 --> 00:48:49,509
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

888
00:48:51,094 --> 00:48:55,098
When you date somebody young,
you can share your dreams with them.

889
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:57,267
"Yeah, babe."

890
00:48:57,351 --> 00:49:00,520
"I feel like going back to school
and getting my law degree."

891
00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:03,106
"Do it! Not too late.
You're 52. You could do it."

892
00:49:03,190 --> 00:49:04,524
[crowd laughing]

893
00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:06,610
"I saw you reading once. You can do it."

894
00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:11,531
But you can't tell that
to your wife or someone your age.

895
00:49:11,615 --> 00:49:13,784
They won't even let you
finish the sentence.

896
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:18,246
"Honey, I feel like going back to school."
"I'm gonna stop you right there, stupid."

897
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:21,917
"Don't get mad
when I tell you this, okay?"

898
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:24,628
"But you didn't graduate high school."

899
00:49:24,711 --> 00:49:26,213
[crowd laughing]

900
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:30,509
"You lost your kid in a custody battle."

901
00:49:31,343 --> 00:49:34,012
"Ooh, ooh, ooh.
That should be your first case."

902
00:49:34,096 --> 00:49:35,430
[crowd laughing]

903
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:41,520
"You should work that case pro bono."

904
00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:44,898
"All right, slow down, babe. 'Pro bono'?"

905
00:49:44,982 --> 00:49:46,692
"Let me google that.
What the fuck is that?"

906
00:49:49,027 --> 00:49:52,030
A lot of guys here
with young women here tonight, man.

907
00:49:52,614 --> 00:49:55,492
My, uh… My wife is my…
My wife is the same age as I am.

908
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:57,661
We're like four years apart, you know.

909
00:49:58,537 --> 00:50:01,164
[scattered laughing]

910
00:50:01,248 --> 00:50:03,000
Thank you, bro, for laughing at us.

911
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,918
[crowd giggling]

912
00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:08,714
I love women my age, man.

913
00:50:08,797 --> 00:50:13,093
I need a woman that knows the difference
between a heart attack and a good time.

914
00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:14,761
[crowd laughing]

915
00:50:14,845 --> 00:50:19,016
I need a woman that's gonna call for help
and not go on TikTok LIVE first.

916
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:20,767
[man] Whoo!

917
00:50:20,851 --> 00:50:23,437
When you fuck a young woman
and you're an older man,

918
00:50:23,520 --> 00:50:25,022
you have to be an actor, man.

919
00:50:25,105 --> 00:50:27,232
You have to pretend your knees don't hurt.

920
00:50:27,315 --> 00:50:29,317
[crowd laughing]

921
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:33,613
You gotta hold your cough. [clears throat]

922
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:36,908
[clears throat]

923
00:50:38,243 --> 00:50:40,662
Shit, you fuck a woman your age,
you don't give a fuck.

924
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:42,539
You're fuckin' leaning on her.

925
00:50:42,622 --> 00:50:44,791
[crowd laughing]

926
00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:47,294
You're fuckin' cough-- [coughs heavily]

927
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,049
You got your IV on you.
You don't give a fuck.

928
00:50:56,470 --> 00:50:58,472
-[woman] Whoo!
-Shit, you fuck a young woman.

929
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:02,100
After sex she wants to go
fuckin' hiking and shit, kayaking.

930
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:07,272
You fuck a woman your age,
after sex you look over at her…

931
00:51:07,355 --> 00:51:08,774
[exhales sharply]

932
00:51:09,900 --> 00:51:11,777
"Hey, you wanna take a nap or what?"

933
00:51:11,860 --> 00:51:13,070
[crowd laughing]

934
00:51:13,945 --> 00:51:15,113
She's already ahead of you.

935
00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:18,950
[imitates snoring heavily]

936
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:20,869
Sleeping, holding her purse.

937
00:51:20,952 --> 00:51:22,621
[imitates snoring]

938
00:51:23,288 --> 00:51:25,207
Set an alarm for 30 minutes.

939
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:27,375
[imitates snoring]

940
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:31,963
[mocking] She got shit to do.

941
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:38,970
Man, I flew on, um, Spirit Airlines
on the way here.

942
00:51:39,054 --> 00:51:40,722
-[crowd] Ah!
-It took me nine days!

943
00:51:40,806 --> 00:51:42,140
[crowd laughing]

944
00:51:43,016 --> 00:51:45,018
They make so many stops!

945
00:51:46,394 --> 00:51:50,398
It's a weird airline, man.
They make up rules as they go along.

946
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:53,276
I got up to take a shit.
I went back to my seat.

947
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:54,694
Somebody took my seat.

948
00:51:56,905 --> 00:51:59,825
I asked the flight attendant, "Hey, man,
I think somebody took my seat."

949
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:02,994
"Sir, did you get up during takeoff?"

950
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,538
"Yeah, I had to take a shit."

951
00:52:04,621 --> 00:52:06,248
"Well, you fucked up, sir."

952
00:52:06,331 --> 00:52:07,415
[crowd laughing]

953
00:52:07,499 --> 00:52:10,961
"Go find somewhere to sit.
We're gonna leave right now!"

954
00:52:11,044 --> 00:52:13,046
There was nowhere to sit.

955
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:15,048
I had to hold on like a bus.

956
00:52:17,884 --> 00:52:20,595
Everybody is happy, drinking BuzzBallz.

957
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:22,514
[crowd laughing]

958
00:52:23,515 --> 00:52:26,768
I remember, at the airport,
I was eating food, you know.

959
00:52:26,852 --> 00:52:29,020
I had fries and a hamburger.

960
00:52:29,104 --> 00:52:31,314
And this old lady
was throwing her food away.

961
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:34,067
And she dumped all her fries on my plate.

962
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:37,904
She said, "You look
like you can finish these fries."

963
00:52:37,988 --> 00:52:39,322
[crowd laughing]

964
00:52:40,365 --> 00:52:42,868
I was like, "Lucky guess, bitch!"

965
00:52:42,951 --> 00:52:44,828
[crowd laughing and exclaiming]

966
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:49,416
I remember… I remember
somebody stole my identity, man,

967
00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:51,001
ten years ago.

968
00:52:51,084 --> 00:52:53,461
And they got arrested for my warrant.
[scoffs]

969
00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:54,880
[crowd laughing]

970
00:52:58,508 --> 00:52:59,634
[woman shrieking]

971
00:52:59,718 --> 00:53:02,137
I remember he was calling me,
"Hey, man, tell 'em that's you."

972
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:03,221
"Nah, bro."

973
00:53:04,055 --> 00:53:07,601
[in singsong] "If you can't do the time,
don't do the crime, puto."

974
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:09,102
[scattered cheering]

975
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,021
I remember
when they stole my identity, man,

976
00:53:11,104 --> 00:53:14,107
they were making purchases
that I can't make, you know.

977
00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:18,612
And I felt like the bank was calling me
with sarcasm just to laugh.

978
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:19,863
[crowd laughing]

979
00:53:19,946 --> 00:53:22,073
They knew I didn't make those purchases.

980
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:25,410
They were asking me, "Felipe, um,
did you make a house payment this month?"

981
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:27,454
-[blows raspberry]
-[crowd laughing]

982
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:30,457
[scattered whistles]

983
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:33,627
Oh man, I went to a…
a wedding with my wife.

984
00:53:34,252 --> 00:53:37,797
And as soon as we got to the wedding,
you know, you sit down at the banquet.

985
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,091
At the party, we sat at our table,

986
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:43,345
and somebody had taken
the centerpiece off the table already.

987
00:53:44,721 --> 00:53:46,181
They took the centerpiece

988
00:53:46,264 --> 00:53:49,517
before the DJ could say,
"Please don't take the centerpiece."

989
00:53:51,686 --> 00:53:54,648
You don't take the centerpiece right away.
You let people enjoy it first.

990
00:53:54,731 --> 00:53:56,775
You know, they look at it, "Hmm."

991
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:01,071
And little by little,
you put it closer to your plate.

992
00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,322
[crowd laughing]

993
00:54:06,409 --> 00:54:08,328
You put your mom's jacket over it.

994
00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:09,704
[crowd laughing]

995
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:15,502
You send your niece to get another one.
"Scarlett, go get that one."

996
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,756
"Your grandma wants one too.
Your other grandma. Go get that one."

997
00:54:19,839 --> 00:54:21,967
-[crowd laughing]
-[woman coughing]

998
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:26,596
My wife and I are dancing.
And then a woman starts dancing behind me.

999
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,974
Starts playing with my hair, like this.

1000
00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:30,558
Blowing hot breath on my head.

1001
00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:31,893
[blowing heavily]

1002
00:54:31,977 --> 00:54:35,105
[sniffs] Ay! My nipples got hard.

1003
00:54:36,982 --> 00:54:39,859
Then another woman
was dancing with my wife too.

1004
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:41,611
I looked at my wife.

1005
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:44,155
"I think
they want to take our centerpiece."

1006
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:46,950
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

1007
00:54:47,033 --> 00:54:49,452
"These bitches
want to take our centerpiece."

1008
00:54:49,953 --> 00:54:52,372
"Let's go dance back to our table."

1009
00:54:57,794 --> 00:55:01,089
But then their husbands
started dancing with us too.

1010
00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:04,843
And then more wives and more husbands.

1011
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:09,514
And one of the wives looks at me,
"Are you and your wife both swingers?"

1012
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,475
"Well, I don't know about her, but I am."

1013
00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:13,893
[crowd laughing]

1014
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:17,480
I got my sports bra, and I'm ready.

1015
00:55:19,149 --> 00:55:22,110
-[crowd continues laughing]
-[scattered applause]

1016
00:55:22,193 --> 00:55:24,946
My wife fucking got my stomach like,
"We ain't going."

1017
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:27,574
So we didn't go.

1018
00:55:29,117 --> 00:55:31,828
On the way home, I was fuckin' mad, man.

1019
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,497
I was drawing titties on the window.

1020
00:55:34,581 --> 00:55:35,915
[crowd laughing]

1021
00:55:40,795 --> 00:55:41,796
I looked at my wife.

1022
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,966
"You know, honey, you should change
your profile on Instagram,

1023
00:55:45,050 --> 00:55:47,344
because you're not adventurous."

1024
00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:49,054
[crowd laughing]

1025
00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:52,057
"With all caps. Get the fuck out of here."

1026
00:55:53,850 --> 00:55:58,772
So, my wife and I, we went home
to just have regular two-people sex.

1027
00:56:00,857 --> 00:56:03,443
Nothing fancy. I kept my Fitbit on.

1028
00:56:03,526 --> 00:56:05,362
[crowd laughing]

1029
00:56:05,445 --> 00:56:08,698
To lie to my phone that I went to cardio.
[groans]

1030
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:12,786
I was thinking about the orgy I missed.

1031
00:56:13,912 --> 00:56:16,456
The sexcapade, the orgy.

1032
00:56:16,539 --> 00:56:17,540
[woman laughs]

1033
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:20,335
I was thinking to myself,
looking to my wife… [murmurs]

1034
00:56:20,418 --> 00:56:22,087
…"I'm glad we didn't go, babe."

1035
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:25,465
"I would have been the first man out."

1036
00:56:25,548 --> 00:56:26,800
[crowd laughing]

1037
00:56:28,301 --> 00:56:30,845
"Then I'd have to watch you
be a whore all night."

1038
00:56:32,555 --> 00:56:34,099
[woman shrieking]

1039
00:56:34,182 --> 00:56:36,184
That'd be hard to watch. [sighs]

1040
00:56:37,268 --> 00:56:39,646
You're watching your wife… [sighs deeply]

1041
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:41,815
[crowd giggling]

1042
00:56:43,149 --> 00:56:45,568
I guess she grew up in different times.

1043
00:56:48,571 --> 00:56:51,032
That'd be hard, trying to get
your wife's attention. "Let's go."

1044
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:52,158
[whistles]

1045
00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:55,495
She can't see you. Too many penises.

1046
00:56:55,578 --> 00:56:57,122
[crowd laughing]

1047
00:56:59,791 --> 00:57:01,793
"I gotta go. My husband is calling me."

1048
00:57:02,585 --> 00:57:05,213
"That's your husband?
The fat guy wearing clothes?"

1049
00:57:06,923 --> 00:57:09,634
"That's the guy
who burned a quesadilla here earlier."

1050
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:15,181
[woman laughing loudly]

1051
00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:17,267
That'd be a horrible ride home.

1052
00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:20,562
I'm driving, my wife's all beat up.

1053
00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:28,445
"We're not going back to that church."

1054
00:57:28,528 --> 00:57:30,447
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

1055
00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:34,117
[whistles]

1056
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:36,035
[crowd cheering]

1057
00:57:39,372 --> 00:57:40,707
You having a good time?

1058
00:57:40,790 --> 00:57:43,293
[crowd cheering and whooping]

1059
00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:47,922
[crowd cheering and whooping]

1060
00:57:51,843 --> 00:57:53,678
I know there's a lot of ladies here

1061
00:57:53,761 --> 00:57:56,055
who are here with your husband,
with your boyfriend,

1062
00:57:56,139 --> 00:57:59,767
because he is a fuckin'
humungous big fan of Felipe Esparza.

1063
00:57:59,851 --> 00:58:01,394
Thank you for supporting him.

1064
00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:02,896
[crowd cheering, whistling]

1065
00:58:02,979 --> 00:58:05,231
Thank you for buying tickets
for his dumb ass.

1066
00:58:06,566 --> 00:58:09,652
Thank you for surprising him
for his birthday and shit.

1067
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:12,155
I know he's gonna owe you big after this.

1068
00:58:12,238 --> 00:58:13,490
[crowd laughing]

1069
00:58:13,573 --> 00:58:17,160
It's sad how… Your wife
will claim that shit on the way home.

1070
00:58:17,952 --> 00:58:21,623
You're fucking still laughing
from the show, "Fuckin' guy, that guy…"

1071
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:25,627
Your wife'll look at you, "Now we're
gonna watch something I wanna watch."

1072
00:58:25,710 --> 00:58:27,253
[crowd laughing]

1073
00:58:28,963 --> 00:58:30,924
Some rom-com bullshit.

1074
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:32,967
Some romantic comedy.

1075
00:58:33,051 --> 00:58:34,427
[laughter, whistle]

1076
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,888
You ever watch
one of those movies with your wife,

1077
00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:40,308
and you have to pretend you're into it.
"Oh, that's that guy, huh, from…"

1078
00:58:40,391 --> 00:58:41,809
"Yeah, that guy."

1079
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:46,105
"Oh wow, yeah. That's that guy."

1080
00:58:47,565 --> 00:58:49,817
"Hey, babe,
I'm gonna take a shit real fast."

1081
00:58:49,901 --> 00:58:51,277
[crowd laughing]

1082
00:58:52,070 --> 00:58:54,739
"You want me to pause it?"
"Fuck, no! Don't pause it."

1083
00:58:55,907 --> 00:58:57,450
"Fast-forward that shit."

1084
00:58:58,409 --> 00:59:01,037
"Send me the book, bitch. I'll read it."

1085
00:59:04,207 --> 00:59:05,625
[laughs]

1086
00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:09,379
Sometimes you're watching
these romantic comedy movies, rom-coms,

1087
00:59:09,462 --> 00:59:12,715
and your wife
gets too invested in the story.

1088
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,760
She starts comparing that shit
to her relationship with you,

1089
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:17,303
just getting mad.

1090
00:59:17,387 --> 00:59:19,389
[angrily] "You fuckin' piece of shit!"

1091
00:59:21,015 --> 00:59:22,767
"How can you… can't be like that guy?"

1092
00:59:22,850 --> 00:59:25,103
"Well, first, I'm not white, bitch."

1093
00:59:26,604 --> 00:59:29,482
"I'm fat. I have a black neck.
What do you want me to do?"

1094
00:59:32,944 --> 00:59:34,779
"Honey, if I were to leave you,

1095
00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:38,700
if I were to leave you for somebody,
it will be for that actor right there."

1096
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:41,744
"And I live more
in the real world, honey."

1097
00:59:41,828 --> 00:59:44,455
"If I was to leave you,
it would be for that girl

1098
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:45,957
that gave her the popcorn."

1099
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:49,127
"You know
that girl with the big fuckin' hickey

1100
00:59:49,210 --> 00:59:50,920
and the cold sore, that bitch."

1101
00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:56,676
Man, I asked my wife for a threesome, man.

1102
00:59:56,759 --> 00:59:57,802
[women] Whoo!

1103
00:59:57,885 --> 01:00:00,763
She said, "All right,
go get two of your friends and leave."

1104
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,766
-[crowd laughing]
-[scattered applause]

1105
01:00:03,850 --> 01:00:07,270
"Ah, so you are a whore.
You didn't pass the test, bitch."

1106
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:08,896
[crowd laughing]

1107
01:00:08,980 --> 01:00:10,356
[scattered cheering]

1108
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:12,984
Imagine you'd be like, "What friends?"

1109
01:00:14,777 --> 01:00:18,489
How many ladies here
are out on girls' night out by applause?

1110
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:20,241
[women exclaiming]

1111
01:00:20,325 --> 01:00:22,535
Hell, yeah, beautiful women. Mwah!

1112
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:23,995
[woman hooting]

1113
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:26,789
I'm glad there's girls' night out, man.

1114
01:00:26,873 --> 01:00:28,541
When… when women go out together,

1115
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:29,709
it's like five women,

1116
01:00:29,792 --> 01:00:32,211
they're all fuckin' beautiful.
They're all hot.

1117
01:00:32,295 --> 01:00:34,631
Different weight classes,
but they're all hot.

1118
01:00:35,882 --> 01:00:38,968
Like, the hottest heavyweight champion
of the world is there.

1119
01:00:39,969 --> 01:00:43,222
The hottest flyweight champion
of the world is there.

1120
01:00:43,765 --> 01:00:46,017
But when you see men going out,

1121
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:48,269
there's five ugly men.

1122
01:00:49,437 --> 01:00:52,815
And one really good-looking guy.
Like, he shouldn't even be there.

1123
01:00:52,899 --> 01:00:54,567
[crowd laughing]

1124
01:00:56,444 --> 01:00:58,488
That's my friend Mauricio, man.

1125
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:04,661
Cuban, silver eyes, 6'2", big-ass penis.

1126
01:01:04,744 --> 01:01:06,412
Oh! We've seen it, man.

1127
01:01:07,872 --> 01:01:10,750
He gets coked-out,
he chases us with it and shit.

1128
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:12,502
[crowd laughing]

1129
01:01:12,585 --> 01:01:15,922
When he walks into the room,
all the women look at him.

1130
01:01:16,005 --> 01:01:18,591
[sighs] "Man, he is so hot."

1131
01:01:19,258 --> 01:01:23,304
Even the guys looks at him.
"Fuck that motherfucker, bro."

1132
01:01:24,430 --> 01:01:26,891
"I heard he likes dick too, dog."

1133
01:01:29,727 --> 01:01:30,895
[woman laughs loudly]

1134
01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:34,816
When my Mauricio walks into a room,
it's like a white lion coming in.

1135
01:01:36,150 --> 01:01:39,737
And me following behind him
like a hyena with a broken leg.

1136
01:01:39,821 --> 01:01:41,531
[crowd laughing]

1137
01:01:44,492 --> 01:01:47,745
Mauricio and I, we hooked up.
Man, he hooked up. I was there.

1138
01:01:49,622 --> 01:01:53,751
We took two women home. Well…
There was two. I went with him, you know.

1139
01:01:53,835 --> 01:01:55,503
[crowd laughing]

1140
01:01:58,089 --> 01:01:59,590
I tagged along, eh?

1141
01:02:01,926 --> 01:02:02,844
It was weird, man.

1142
01:02:02,927 --> 01:02:06,347
We had sex in the same room, man,
with the light on and shit.

1143
01:02:07,056 --> 01:02:09,183
I never had sex
with the light on. [groans]

1144
01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:12,353
I never had sex without a T-shirt on.

1145
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:13,980
It was weird.

1146
01:02:14,063 --> 01:02:16,357
I was the only one
wearing a blanket and shit.

1147
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:19,444
I made my own little house.

1148
01:02:21,904 --> 01:02:23,906
I felt like Nacho Libre and shit.

1149
01:02:23,990 --> 01:02:25,366
[crowd laughing]

1150
01:02:26,534 --> 01:02:29,579
I couldn't focus.
I kept checking out Mauricio's body.

1151
01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:33,249
"Damn, bro. You worked out, huh?"

1152
01:02:34,667 --> 01:02:37,128
"You're not even sweating.
I'm all wet over here."

1153
01:02:38,921 --> 01:02:40,840
I started stealing his moves.

1154
01:02:40,923 --> 01:02:42,175
[crowd laughing]

1155
01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:43,426
"How do you that, bro?"

1156
01:02:43,509 --> 01:02:45,928
"When I do it, my dick goes out.
Yours stays in."

1157
01:02:46,012 --> 01:02:47,305
[crowd laughing]

1158
01:02:48,639 --> 01:02:51,350
"How do you do that?
My foreskin stays inside."

1159
01:02:51,434 --> 01:02:53,019
[crowd laughing and cheering]

1160
01:02:54,228 --> 01:02:58,274
And his girl was screaming, screaming.
Mine was quiet, man!

1161
01:02:59,984 --> 01:03:01,861
"I don't know, bro. She's a mute."

1162
01:03:03,154 --> 01:03:04,071
I got mad, man.

1163
01:03:04,155 --> 01:03:06,240
"We're losing, bitch.
We're fuckin' losing."

1164
01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:07,283
[crowd laughing]

1165
01:03:07,366 --> 01:03:08,868
"We're fuckin' losing!"

1166
01:03:08,951 --> 01:03:10,369
[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

1167
01:03:10,453 --> 01:03:11,996
I started pinching her ass.

1168
01:03:12,997 --> 01:03:14,624
She's like, "Ah! What the fuck?"

1169
01:03:14,707 --> 01:03:16,501
"C'mon, bro. High five, high five."

1170
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:22,131
Yeah, we finish before them. We beat them.

1171
01:03:24,342 --> 01:03:27,386
By a long shot.
They kept going, they kept going.

1172
01:03:27,887 --> 01:03:29,514
We were watching. [sighing]

1173
01:03:30,681 --> 01:03:32,225
"Man, no respect, huh?"

1174
01:03:32,308 --> 01:03:33,935
[crowd laughing]

1175
01:03:34,018 --> 01:03:36,646
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

1176
01:03:36,729 --> 01:03:38,648
[crowd cheering and applauding]

1177
01:03:39,941 --> 01:03:41,776
Sacramento!

1178
01:03:41,859 --> 01:03:42,777
Modesto!

1179
01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:46,697
Merced! Northern California! What up?

1180
01:03:46,781 --> 01:03:49,700
["Return of the Tres"
by Delinquent Habits playing]

1181
01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,369
[crowd cheering]

1182
01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:57,583
[no audible dialogue]

1183
01:04:05,550 --> 01:04:08,427
♪ Es la vida cuatro veinte piso fuerte ♪

1184
01:04:08,511 --> 01:04:10,680
♪ Botella empty first ten rows annointed ♪

1185
01:04:10,763 --> 01:04:13,140
♪ The fiesta's poppin'
And all fingers pointed ♪

1186
01:04:13,224 --> 01:04:15,393
♪ Irie eyed vatos
Got the whole crowd jointed ♪

1187
01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:17,645
♪ Check in with Ives
Catch me squintin' know why ♪

1188
01:04:17,728 --> 01:04:20,147
♪ I came be let my word
Fly keep the gleam in your eye ♪

1189
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:22,692
♪ Con mucho drum roll on time
Let the horn blow ♪

1190
01:04:22,775 --> 01:04:25,069
♪ Gas to the pedal
Like metal at a Korn show ♪

1191
01:04:25,152 --> 01:04:27,238
♪ The rhyme rocka
With a shitload of placas ♪

1192
01:04:27,321 --> 01:04:29,824
♪ Grab the mic and freak the rhythm
Till there's no more vavas ♪

1193
01:04:29,907 --> 01:04:32,326
♪ Still mis palabras fade
All boos and ha-ha ♪

1194
01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:34,620
♪ That includes all who go sissy la la ♪

1195
01:04:34,704 --> 01:04:36,914
♪ So do the cha cha rucca call me poppa ♪

1196
01:04:36,998 --> 01:04:39,208
♪ Guero came for action hun until mañana ♪

1197
01:04:39,292 --> 01:04:41,627
♪ Down for hi-hat crash and whiplash ♪

1198
01:04:41,711 --> 01:04:44,088
♪ City nights, bright lights
And herb stash ♪

1199
01:05:03,024 --> 01:05:05,902
[lyrics continue in Spanish]

1200
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:12,783
[song ends]

1201
01:05:12,867 --> 01:05:14,994
-[thud]
-[giggle]