1
00:00:00,626 --> 00:00:02,460
[rock music playing]
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
3
00:00:02,461 --> 00:00:04,964
[cheers and applause]
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
5
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:31,489
Nice. Denver, good to see you.
6
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,241
- [cheering]
- Thanks for coming.
7
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,410
Yeah.
8
00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:37,704
Love Denver, haven't been here
for a while.
9
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:41,709
Quickly, does the altitude
affect your peeing?
10
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:46,838
Because last night,
I could pee so far off my bed.
11
00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:48,173
[laughter]
12
00:00:48,174 --> 00:00:50,049
More than normal. Local bits.
13
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,594
All right, anyway, um...
14
00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:55,597
I think a lot of you drove here.
15
00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:57,849
I drive a lot in L.A.
It kind of sucks.
16
00:00:57,850 --> 00:01:00,226
Obviously, I have a little bit
of road rage, but...
17
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,729
I will tell you one thing.
18
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,606
If I'm driving and I let you,
19
00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:07,485
I give you the gift
of merging in front of me,
20
00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:09,444
you better wave.
21
00:01:09,445 --> 00:01:10,779
[cheers and applause]
22
00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:11,822
Yeah.
23
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,700
There will be problems.
24
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:20,163
I'm like a psycho because I think of it
as, like, a bigger favor than most people,
25
00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:24,250
so if I look over and I'm, like, "Go!"
26
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,752
If I give you that,
27
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,546
I want to see this...
28
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:31,007
I want to see at least this in the window.
29
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,425
I'll take this.
30
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,928
I'll even take the cigarette--
deesh-deesh-- with an ash.
31
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,554
I'll take scraps.
32
00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:39,098
You can't do nothing.
You can't do nothing.
33
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,433
If you do nothing,
34
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,269
I will follow you
for a minimum 100 miles.
35
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:45,064
[laughter]
36
00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:49,192
I will go to your house, I'll put
an air tag on your bumper at midnight.
37
00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:51,027
[laughter]
38
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,988
Other than that,
I'm pretty chill, but...
39
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,490
Sorry.
40
00:01:55,491 --> 00:01:58,743
By the way, just quickly,
off the record,
41
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,871
um, in 1998 they invented
the cordless mic.
42
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,706
Now let me just-- Listen.
43
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,416
[laughter]
44
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:08,879
Now, listen, Paramount Theatre,
let's not jump on trends.
45
00:02:09,672 --> 00:02:13,216
I don't mind dragging
42 feet of fucking cable around
46
00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,717
that weighs 16 pounds.
47
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:18,805
It's throwing out my clavicle,
and we're on joke four, all right?
48
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,891
Jesus Christ, let's not hop on fads.
49
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:25,395
They have a sweetheart deal
with fucking RadioShack at the mall.
50
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,938
[laughter]
51
00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:30,943
No, actually this is Amazon,
okay, so this is...
52
00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:35,363
This is Jeff Bezos
getting a fifth private jet,
53
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:39,368
and then he gets my dog shit mic
off a fucking Black Friday deal.
54
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,371
Amazon Prime,
whatever they call it. Yeah.
55
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,541
- Thank you.
- [cheers and applause]
56
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,004
On the only night that matters.
Great.
57
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,631
[laughter]
58
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,134
Stick your hand in there.
59
00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:59,804
Goddamn. I love that Amazon
gets it from Amazon.
60
00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:00,890
That's...
61
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:02,933
All right, well...
62
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,060
Oh, shit.
63
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,855
Flew out here, um...
64
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:13,276
The pilot when I get on says,
"Hey, welcome to our 737.
65
00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:14,903
We just got our door back."
66
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:16,155
Now...
67
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,949
why are you mentioning
the door that flew off
68
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,743
because I don't know
if it's the real plane?
69
00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:24,163
Don't talk about it,
I just forgot about it.
70
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:27,373
Do you remember when the door
flew off the plane?
71
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,126
You remember how terrifying that was?
72
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,045
Then they showed a video of it.
I go, "Oh, my God, they have a video?"
73
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:34,632
This must be pandemonium.
74
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:39,218
No, no, no, if you saw it,
it was dead silence.
75
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,471
People, like this...
76
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,138
[laughter]
77
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:45,600
Like it was, like, some
M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong movie.
78
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:51,189
I'm, like, "Guys, the door is off,
it's night time, even scarier,
79
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:53,858
tornado-like winds," and they're, like...
80
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,735
[laughter]
81
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,612
Wh-- If it was me,
82
00:03:57,613 --> 00:04:00,615
just the noise of my diarrhea hitting
everyone's forehead on the way out.
83
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:02,034
Deesh-deesh-deesh.
84
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,535
I'd be wailing on that call button.
85
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,747
A-bung-bung-bung-bung-
bung-bung-bung-bung.
86
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:12,210
[whispering] "Hey, um,
was there a door when I got on?
87
00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:16,256
I don't even check anymore.
It's kind of a given, um..."
88
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:21,344
And then the people
in the way back, they go
89
00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,388
"We didn't know what was going on."
90
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,431
What do you think's going on?
91
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,101
Dude, I'd be popping up
like Meerkat Manor.
92
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,895
[laughter]
93
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:34,315
What do you think,
it's the blower's broken? Pssst!
94
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,775
"Goddamn, that's strong."
95
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,485
Shunk!
"There goes my chain!"
96
00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:40,905
Shunk! "There's my baby!
Turn this off. Fix it!"
97
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:42,700
[laughter]
98
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:48,371
When I get on,
they give me the Pepsi scam too.
99
00:04:48,372 --> 00:04:51,791
No offense, dog-shit Pepsi,
but you know what, when I get on there,
100
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,669
I always go, "I want a Diet Coke."
101
00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:57,213
It happens everywhere.
This is like a weird phenomenon.
102
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,257
I was at a casino gig.
103
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,010
I'm in the restaurant and I go,
"Hey, um, Diet Coke."
104
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:03,970
They go, "Nah, we only got Pepsi."
105
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:07,557
I go, "Well, I saw a store walking
in here, maybe I'll just go grab one."
106
00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:10,853
He goes, "No, we're a Pepsi casino."
107
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:17,359
"Wait, all effing, fucking 40 acres
of this place, that's all, all Pepsi?
108
00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,320
I don't know if this is legal."
And he goes, "But you know what?"
109
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,531
He helps me out.
110
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:27,035
"There's a 7-Eleven a couple clicks
down the freeway."
111
00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:31,373
And I go, "Mm. Are you going?
I'm not going, are you going?
112
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:36,378
Wh-- A couple of clicks, am I Vietcong?
What am I--? What are you talking about?
113
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,881
Is that an inch? A mile?
How long's a click?"
114
00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:40,965
[laughter]
115
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:44,094
"You think I'm walking down the freeway
in the middle of the night?"
116
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:46,512
No, thank you.
117
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:50,016
So, I'm on the plane,
and then I order a Diet Coke,
118
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:53,770
and they go-- They don't even bother
telling you they don't have it, they go,
119
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:55,229
"Mm-kay."
120
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,857
[laughter]
121
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,068
"Let me get that for you.
122
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,569
Let me get your Diet Coke."
123
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,405
And they go back to that little apartment.
[makes sound of curtain closing]
124
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:08,159
And then they come out,
"Here's your Diet."
125
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,204
Vague "Diet," vague.
126
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:16,043
And then they go hide behind that little
fucking bulkhead or whatever it's called.
127
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,881
And I'm like this... [sniffs]
128
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,883
I can tell already.
129
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,636
[laughter]
130
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,971
And they go...
[wicked cackle]
131
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:32,600
"Ah, you caught me!
It's dog shit, sorry."
132
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,019
[laughter]
133
00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:35,896
No.
134
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,606
God forbid you ask for anything.
135
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,901
It's usually just, you know,
some ratty hose water.
136
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,403
I'm, like, "Can I get some water?"
Like, "Yeah."
137
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,156
Then she brings a big, nice fat bottle,
and I go, "Ah."
138
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,783
And she goes, "No, no, no."
139
00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:49,867
[soft laughter]
140
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:52,411
Here's your little,
filthy little Dixie cup
141
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,206
that you wash your mouth out with
at the dentist.
142
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:56,834
[laughter]
143
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:03,590
"Can I take that?'"
"Uh, I'm not done yet."
144
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:07,009
Crunch. There you go.
145
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,595
Then she comes by later
with a gerbil feeder,
146
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,681
I'm like this... [makes sucking sounds]
147
00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:13,182
[laughter]
148
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,769
And right before we land,
she's got the iron. Dooff, dooff.
149
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,772
I'm, like... [makes sucking sounds]
150
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,608
It's fucking steam, dude, I'm not gonna
walk you through all of them.
151
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,069
All right, so...
152
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:29,073
I watch the movies.
153
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:33,369
Delta has the worst-- Well, whoever,
no names, but they have the worst movies.
154
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,246
[laughter]
155
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:37,623
I'm looking through this,
it's crummy movie, crummy movie.
156
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,960
It's like, "How about our new arrivals."
Thank you.
157
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:45,257
Hey, Delta, I don't think we can count
FernGully as a new arrival.
158
00:07:47,593 --> 00:07:49,428
27 Dresses?
159
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:55,183
Don't make me Google it. Yeah. 2004.
160
00:07:55,184 --> 00:07:56,684
[laughter]
161
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,688
So I settled on The Beekeeper and,
um, The Beekeeper's fine.
162
00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:04,483
I know what I'm getting,
Jason Statham at his medium-est.
163
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,653
Uh, because he's the same in everything,
but he's good,
164
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:11,032
but it's always the same,
you know, he's got a scowl,
165
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,075
lot on his mind, few words.
166
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:16,954
But the problem with
The Beekeeper is that it's--
167
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:19,707
Just writing-wise, 'cause I'm a writer...
[clears throat]
168
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,711
...so I look at movies
through a different lens.
169
00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,881
Different prism, if you will.
170
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,926
And it's a little itchy
because he's a beekeeper,
171
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,386
buzz buzz, you know,
the whole thing with the hat on.
172
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:37,266
And the reason he's doing this
because he escaped the FBI
173
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:40,978
where he was an assassin
nicknamed "the beekeeper."
174
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:45,609
Folks, can he be any other profess--
I mean...
175
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,860
don't make it so easy to track him.
176
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,821
We're trying to make sure we get him
in the first act. They're like,
177
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,740
"Hey, that guy's a beekee--"
178
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,575
You know, it can't be that easy.
179
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,329
Go work at Foot Locker,
you know what I mean...?
180
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,415
So, they do catch him, shockingly,
within like four minutes,
181
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,003
and then quickly kill
everyone he knows. Then...
182
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,840
he gets mad, takes the thing off,
and he goes...
183
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,634
[British accent]
"I'm the Beekeeper."
184
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,261
[laughter]
185
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,722
"I keep the bees,
186
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:20,727
and if I find you, you might get stung."
187
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,188
And I'm like, "That's a bee. Okay.
188
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:27,359
This is the problem.
You're a bee or you're a beekeeper.
189
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,110
I didn't like that."
190
00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:32,905
And then he goes,
"And if I sting you, you die."
191
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,865
"That's a bee again.
192
00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:38,036
And the bee dies.
The guy doesn't die, the bee dies."
193
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:44,084
I was like, "I gotta get out there.
It's too much, it's already off."
194
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:49,005
Anyway, let's hit the headlines.
195
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:52,300
What's going on with this Johnny Depp
trial? Some of these are old.
196
00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:53,593
[laughter]
197
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:58,348
I think he's gonna do it.
I think he's gonna win it.
198
00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:03,811
That Amber Heard's pretty.
That's her problem, too pretty.
199
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,689
You know what they say,
"Crazy in the head, poops in the bed."
200
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,149
Huh, who's with me? This guy?
201
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:09,568
- [laughter]
- You've said it.
202
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:13,529
That should be her merch.
What is she waiting for?
203
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,449
[laughter]
204
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:21,620
[chuckling] That submarine, though,
that went to the Titanic.
205
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,497
No! Listen!
206
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,957
[laughter]
207
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,835
I miss that crazy little sub.
208
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,797
I got attached, guys.
Two weeks.
209
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,717
No, but the reason I'm bringing it up
is because they're doing it again.
210
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,094
Some other dipshit billionaire is like,
211
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:40,181
"Let's go to the Titanic
in a microscopic dangerous sub."
212
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:44,560
It didn't work! What does he need to know?
I've got some data.
213
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,937
You don't go in an eight--
This is the problem with billionaires.
214
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:49,357
They want to go to the bottom
of the ocean or Mars.
215
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:53,403
You know what, I'm rich, I find things
to do on the surface of the planet.
216
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:57,531
I run around, I go to Cheesecake Factory.
I find shit to do here.
217
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,408
[laughter]
218
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,494
Fuck. These guys...
219
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,996
Who wants to go to the magma level
of the earth? What a drag.
220
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,124
And you're in that eight-foot sub
221
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,793
where they jam eight billionaires down.
222
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:12,213
You have to sit cross-legged like
you're on Southwest. No, thanks.
223
00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,672
[laughter]
224
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,342
I wouldn't do a TikTok in that thing.
225
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,260
Lock it from the outside?
226
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:22,933
Even if you do happen to bring a Crescent
wrench, you're like, "Oh, wait it's..."
227
00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:26,852
Boop.
[makes static sound] Boop.
228
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,147
You're going down,
and then on Instagram they go,
229
00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:31,732
"Do you know how deep it is?"
I go, "It's pretty far."
230
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,443
"No, no, here, we'll show you.
Here's a chart.
231
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,946
Here's the ocean.
Here's how big you are in the ocean.
232
00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:40,199
It's farther than that.
Here's the Statue of Liberty. Farther.
233
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,785
- Here's 10 Godzillas. Farther.
- [laughter]
234
00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,789
Here's where sharks get a headache."
"All right, I got it. I got it."
235
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,583
A picture of a shark like this...
236
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:55,424
They got a one-foot window
with moss on it. What's the allure?
237
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:59,802
By the way, imploding. Not the way to go.
238
00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:03,597
I mean, it might be 'cause it's quick,
but sad.
239
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:06,684
I don't want my last five seconds
on life to be like...
240
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:08,853
[laughter]
241
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:11,313
"Do you guys hear a pop--"
Pfft. You know. Fuck it.
242
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,816
[laughter]
243
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:17,195
[chuckling]
244
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,323
I don't like that joke. I don't like it.
245
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:22,909
[chuckling]
246
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:28,248
Oh, and Mars. Fuck, Mars is no good.
247
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,917
I got bad news for these billionaires.
Mars is a bigger shithole than the moon.
248
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,545
There's nothing going on.
It's just farther.
249
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:35,797
Do you want to go farther?
250
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,924
I would only go 'cause I like aliens.
251
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,509
I got hooked on E.T. as a kid.
252
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:44,013
You're too young,
but the E.T. movie was fun.
253
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,514
A little scrubby alien.
254
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:48,225
By the way, when I was 8, I wasn't
even that enchanted by E.T.,
255
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:49,268
I don't know why.
256
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,313
First of all, 'cause he looked like
a piece of dried-out beef jerky.
257
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,148
I'm supposed to fall in love
with this thing?
258
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:56,651
Even Spielberg in those early meetings
should have been like...
259
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,449
"This burnt fucking road kill,
this is our guy?"
260
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,117
I was thinking of, like, a Tickle Me Elmo.
261
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:08,913
This guy's literally made of crow's feet,
his whole body. It's impossible."
262
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:11,373
And he's like... [makes croaking sound]
He's so dry.
263
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:14,710
And I get when you fly,
it dries you out. I get it.
264
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:18,172
I fly to Arizona, it's one hour,
I'm dry, I get it.
265
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:20,883
This kid's like... [makes grunting sound]
I mean...
266
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:24,553
Steps out of that spaceship,
let's roll him round in some Nivea.
267
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,973
That's the first order of business.
268
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:31,102
Spackle some coconut oil
in those cracks, dude.
269
00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,897
Just so I can have a conversation.
270
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,900
And he's like...
[in croaky voice] "Well..."
271
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,693
It wasn't that enchanting to me.
272
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,905
And then Gertie. Kind of an idiot,
but she's 5, you know.
273
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,198
What does she know?
274
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:47,201
She's like, "Oh, my God, E.T., let's go in
and I'll make you some potatoes."
275
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,871
You don't touch the monster from space.
276
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,415
Covered in space COVID with omnicrons.
277
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,833
[laughter]
278
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,919
You know what you do, Gertie?
If you're helping us out,
279
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,756
you take a rake and you poke him
a little bit, you know?
280
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,425
You get the reaction time.
What's going on with this guy?
281
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,677
What's his temperament?
282
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,512
Knock him down, don't pick him up.
283
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:10,433
You hook his feet, and you drag him in
the barn. Not the living room, the barn.
284
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,227
Now we run some tests.
285
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,312
Anyway... I got distracted.
286
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,147
What happened was--
You were talking about the ocean.
287
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,900
So, in the ocean...
288
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:22,237
Somebody was. And in the ocean...
289
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:26,282
I like the ocean, but I was scared of it
290
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,409
as of late 'cause when I was a kid,
I loved it.
291
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,494
But they had riptides, I was like,
"I don't wanna go in."
292
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,706
So now when I go in, even when I snorkel,
293
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:37,501
I get a little water in the thing,
and I go, "Pull me up, pull me up!"
294
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:40,254
And they go, "All right, well,
you're standing up, okay. You're okay.
295
00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:43,799
You're in three feet of water, you're just
going to lift your head like that,
296
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,426
and then..."
297
00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:46,719
Water's gone.
298
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,722
And I'm like, "Ah! It was touch-and-go
there for a while.
299
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,474
It was real touch-and-go."
300
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,226
[old salt voice]
The sea, she was angry!
301
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,688
[normal voice] "No, yeah, well,
you're also in the pool, but I understand.
302
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:59,065
It is scary."
303
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,735
E.T.-- Oh, Brokeback Mountain.
304
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,695
You know they're making, um...
305
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,113
You know--
I'm just thinking movies
306
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,574
'cause I've got my ear to the tracks
'cause I'm in Hollywood.
307
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,037
There's a rumor they're making
a Brokeback Mountain reboot.
308
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,914
But this one is with all women,
309
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:21,045
which, honestly, I don't think is
a great idea because the first one,
310
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:25,341
the whole feel was it was dangerous
'cause it was two dudes.
311
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,052
You know, it was very taboo.
312
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:31,055
And then they said it might be
Emma Watson and Margot Robbie,
313
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,765
and I was like, "Well..."
314
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,392
[laughter]
315
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,480
...as long as it's artsy,
you know what I mean, like...
316
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,317
Who am I to get in the way of cinema?
317
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:46,904
Just keep it real, let's pepper in
some scissoring,
318
00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:49,823
let's have some fun, let's do it right,
you know what I mean?"
319
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,034
[makes mechanical sounds]
320
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,703
[mechanical sounds continue]
321
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:57,164
Beep, beep, beep.
322
00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:01,293
[makes whirring sounds]
323
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,962
[makes friction sounds]
I don't know how it works.
324
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,507
That's how I picture.
325
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,885
- I don't know if there's that many noises.
- [laughter]
326
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:13,264
[chuckles] Little WD-40 in there.
[makes squirting sound]
327
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,726
[chuckles] Ey-oh.
328
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:22,774
Boy. Watching late-night TV. Stupid.
329
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,986
Three in the morning,
I'm watching Lifetime or something.
330
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:31,699
There's a show there, you know,
about the overweight actress
331
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,952
that moves to Hollywood,
My 130-lb Life.
332
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,788
[laughter]
333
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,375
There's one about a doggy doctor.
334
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,293
Everyone loves dogs.
335
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:44,878
There's a doggy doctor open all night.
336
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,506
And everyone's so dramatic
when they run in.
337
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,551
It's like, "Oh, my God, my dog's a Leo
acting like a Capricorn."
338
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:51,969
They're like, "Oh, come on.
339
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:55,765
Come on, how long's this been happening?
What moon is it?"
340
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:02,855
I have a dog, does stupid things.
Super adorable, super cute.
341
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:08,110
Doesn't show enough emotion.
Shows happiness, sad.
342
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,571
Never embarrassed.
343
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:13,198
Only does embarrassing things,
never embarr--
344
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,702
You know, walks through a glass door,
it's like, "What's going on over here?"
345
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,288
I'm like, "No, no, no. No, no, no."
346
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,790
You don't go, "Oh, ai-ai." You know.
347
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,418
Looking at me like, "Did you see that?"
No, no, no.
348
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,087
I walk in, eating a turd, it's like this.
[smacks lips]
349
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:30,424
I'm like, "Are you eating a turd?"
It's like...
350
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:33,845
"Yep. Mm. Mm."
Like it's from Erewhon. I'm like...
351
00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:38,974
The dog fell so hard the other night
352
00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,643
that I was like, "I can't believe--"
'Cause I was watching TV. I'm like,
353
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,020
"What could have happened?"
354
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,648
For 30 seconds,
I wished my dog could talk.
355
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:49,401
Just walk me through it, he'd be like
"Oh, my God, I get to talk, here we go.
356
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,029
Quickly, uh, all right, uh,
357
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,864
you were in watching TV, right?
358
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:55,866
I was in the way, way back of the house.
359
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,576
I thought you called my name,
360
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,037
I'm not too sure, I have a bit
of the zoomies, to be honest.
361
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:04,250
So, I start going full blast.
I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm running.'
362
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,128
I got all four paws, yes!
And I'm like, 'I'm fast as fuck.'
363
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,547
Boy, I'm like, I'm into it, right,
ears are back.
364
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,090
And I'm like, 'Yes, yes,'
365
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,928
and I'm coming down, I see the piano,
I go, 'Oh, no, I have to turn.'
366
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,305
Now, I did not plan this at all.
I did not plan it, right?
367
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,808
So, I start going, 'I better stop.'
368
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:24,061
Now, here I come. I'm putting
the brakes on, it's not working at all.
369
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:28,690
'Cause you know, I'm like this. I'm on
the hardwood floor, so it's slippery.
370
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,652
My nails are too long-- your fault.
371
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:34,488
So... I start going.
372
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:38,325
Now 'cause I'm built like a kettlebell,
my butt's huge, I start spinning.
373
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,744
Now I'm spinning.
Now I'm going fast and I'm spinning.
374
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,788
I'm like hydroplaning,
if that's a word.
375
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,748
So now I'm going backwards,
I'm like,
376
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,709
'Hey, fuck it, Jesus take the wheel,
I don't know what's happening.'"
377
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,378
[laughter]
378
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:53,715
"I spun-- I took that piano leg out
like a bowling pin.
379
00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:57,261
Piano fell on me, chandelier fell somehow.
380
00:18:57,262 --> 00:19:00,347
Glasses, pictures, it was a shit show.
381
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:03,684
Oh, my God, and I popped up,
I'm like, 'Hey, what's on TV in here,
382
00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:04,936
what's going on?
383
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,355
What is that, CHiPs?'"
384
00:19:08,356 --> 00:19:10,441
[cheers and applause]
385
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:14,737
Yes.
386
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,784
Why'd I tell you that story?
I don't know why. Um...
387
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:22,703
I'll tell you another one.
388
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,830
Oh, this is home of the Denver Broncos,
did you know that?
389
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,292
- Yeah!
- [cheers and applause]
390
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,127
Move it.
391
00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:33,463
Now, uh, the last football game
392
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:36,425
I really got into
was the Taylor Swift Super Bowl.
393
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,260
And if you saw that...
394
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:40,680
Something interesting about
395
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,099
a super famous person going,
and being so famous
396
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,810
that all I'm doing is watching her
watch the game.
397
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,021
That was kind of a phenomenon.
398
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:51,732
And, you know, 18 cameras on her,
three on the game.
399
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:54,067
It was so weird to me.
400
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:57,821
And poor Taylor's in some box
trying to relax, but she can't,
401
00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:01,575
because we watch a five-hour game,
and we can just sort of drift off.
402
00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:06,330
But she's gotta be like, first down,
second down, third down, fourth down.
403
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:10,918
You know. God forbid she gets up
to get a chalupa, you know?
404
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:13,879
She's like, "Hey,
what's going on back here?
405
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,840
This quesadilla's cold,
and these stuffed veggie--
406
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,677
Fumble! Oh, fuck, was that my guy?
407
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:24,349
Was that my guy?
Was he wearing red, did you see?
408
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,516
What happened?"
409
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:29,102
And they're like, "Oh, my God,
they broke up." You know, that's...
410
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:30,479
[laughter]
411
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,897
"She doesn't care anymore."
412
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,900
That's what she deals with.
413
00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:38,195
And then on the reverse, like,
it was typical boyfriend-girlfriend
414
00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:40,614
because after that he wanted to...
[whistles] ... to Vegas
415
00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,074
and go to a bachelor party.
416
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:48,039
And she said, "Oh, I thought maybe
you could buzz down to Australia
417
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:52,459
and see my show."
And he goes, "Oh, okay."
418
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,211
He doesn't know where Australia is.
419
00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:55,797
- [laughter]
- You know?
420
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:01,426
[chuckling] And so then, he goes,
421
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,971
"Hey, babe, I just checked
on Travelocity.
422
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:06,264
That's like 80 hours
if you go through Houston."
423
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,891
[laughter]
424
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,061
She's like, "Yeah."
425
00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:13,481
He's like, "Oh, uh...
426
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:17,902
so, what, are you doing
some new stuff, or...?"
427
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,154
"No."
428
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,200
"Same five-hour show I've seen 30 times?
429
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:27,536
Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
430
00:21:27,537 --> 00:21:29,579
No, no, no, no, no,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
431
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:32,542
No, it's shall I..."
And she's like,
432
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:35,168
"Grab a jet, just fly down."
433
00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:38,798
He's like, "Right, there's 16 paychecks.
Okay, I'll do that."
434
00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,758
And then when he gets there,
it's the reverse.
435
00:21:41,759 --> 00:21:44,469
Now we're watching him watch her.
436
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:47,639
And he also has to add in the dances,
he's like...
437
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,684
[laughter]
438
00:21:53,396 --> 00:21:55,230
And they're like, "That's right, dude.
439
00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:57,566
And there's 200 more songs."
440
00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:00,902
And he's like, "Holy shit,
this is like the Combine."
441
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,990
When I go to Journey,
I only got to know three.
442
00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:10,079
I'm sore from that. Fuck. I'm breathing.
443
00:22:10,913 --> 00:22:13,415
Just got a little sore. Ah.
444
00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:15,792
Got into a scrape at McDonald's.
445
00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,462
Got into a little rumble.
446
00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:20,672
Wrong place for me.
I'm a bit of a dandelion, guys.
447
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:23,133
I don't know if you can tell.
I look tough on TV,
448
00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:25,595
but it is not the case.
449
00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,640
These quads are deceiving.
450
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,934
I roll into McDonald's 'cause
I'm a thousand percent Joe Dirt.
451
00:22:32,935 --> 00:22:34,853
I still go all the time to McDonald's.
452
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,272
But sometimes I drive through.
453
00:22:37,273 --> 00:22:40,859
So, I'm driving through.
This is two weeks ago in Hollywood.
454
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:45,406
I'm driving through-- Thanks, Bezos.
I'm just-- Fucking shit.
455
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:49,576
They said, "At the end, can you roll it
up in a circle? If you can!
456
00:22:49,577 --> 00:22:50,827
Can you roll it up real tight?
457
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:53,539
If you can't, it doesn't matter,
doesn't matter at all.
458
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:57,168
We have a hundred crew guys.
Doesn't matter. It would help."
459
00:22:59,212 --> 00:23:02,839
So, I go to McDonald's,
and I'm like third in line.
460
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,968
And then I see,
as per Hollywood, a crazy person
461
00:23:06,969 --> 00:23:10,972
comes out of the bushes, no shirt,
drenched in sweat, super weird,
462
00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:13,851
carrying a T-shirt,
and I'm like this, "Hmm."
463
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:19,106
Walks over to the guy ordering.
Ech! Starts snapping people in the face,
464
00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:21,733
in the windshield, the guy taking orders.
465
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,778
Whap, whap, I'm like this...
466
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:27,572
"Ah, shit, okay, let's put that
in reverse." Beep, bee--
467
00:23:27,573 --> 00:23:29,950
Everyone, we're all going back, you know?
468
00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:32,369
So, I get back to here, then I go...
469
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:35,539
"I'm just gonna park." You know,
I don't want to leave. I want to watch.
470
00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:39,501
So... I don't want to get hit,
but I don't want to miss the fun.
471
00:23:39,502 --> 00:23:42,254
So, I say, "Well, this'll be cool."
So, I go in,
472
00:23:42,255 --> 00:23:45,215
I get a six-piece McNug,
I come back,
473
00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:48,386
and I just sit by the window, and I go,
"Oh, here we go."
474
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:52,848
Before I even open it,
I look up, and he takes a five.
475
00:23:52,849 --> 00:23:54,391
I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no."
476
00:23:54,392 --> 00:23:57,227
So, he starts walking right at me,
I'm like, I can't even think,
477
00:23:57,228 --> 00:24:00,231
I'm like, "Don't come--"
Now, he's looked down, I'm like invisible.
478
00:24:01,858 --> 00:24:04,151
Because I couldn't move, and I'm like,
"Do not know me."
479
00:24:04,152 --> 00:24:08,196
And so, door opens, I see feet.
480
00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:11,241
And then-- And then he goes,
"Little help?"
481
00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:14,911
And I go, "Yep." I go, "There's 10."
482
00:24:14,912 --> 00:24:18,123
Doesn't leave, of course.
And then he goes,
483
00:24:18,124 --> 00:24:20,292
"Give me your McNuggets."
484
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:22,253
[laughter]
485
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,590
And I go, "No."
486
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:31,219
Denver, I'm such a colossal pussy,
you don't understand.
487
00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:32,762
What am I doing?
488
00:24:32,763 --> 00:24:34,973
You know what,
I sometimes just get sick of it,
489
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:37,684
but is this where I want to die,
is this where I die, on this hill?
490
00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:39,936
I go, "I'll give you one."
491
00:24:39,937 --> 00:24:42,315
Because you know,
I did puss out a little bit.
492
00:24:43,441 --> 00:24:46,318
You know, 'cause you know what, he had
a cinder block, did I tell you that?
493
00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:49,279
Cinder block.
And he doesn't even mention it.
494
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,615
He's like this. I go...
495
00:24:51,616 --> 00:24:53,783
He should say,
"Hey, this is my lucky cinder block."
496
00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:57,163
Like something, like "Don't be afraid."
But he's like this...
497
00:24:58,164 --> 00:25:02,459
And I'm like, "I do not react well
to getting hit by a cinder block.
498
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:04,419
I have brittle bones,
no matter where you hit me
499
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:06,213
it's gonna be a problem,
I'm telling you."
500
00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:08,298
Even the dust on it I wouldn't like,
make me itchy.
501
00:25:08,299 --> 00:25:12,552
So I go, this--
All this means I'm giving him one.
502
00:25:12,553 --> 00:25:14,847
I summarize the situation.
503
00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:18,975
And I go, "I'll give you one."
And then he doesn't really say anything,
504
00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:22,604
so I go... and I sound rude,
I wish I had some fucking tongs.
505
00:25:22,605 --> 00:25:24,564
I was like, eh...
506
00:25:24,565 --> 00:25:28,026
'Cause he took his super-drenched,
wet, sweaty hand, he went...
507
00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:29,945
[makes squelching sound]
It was like the ShamWow,
508
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,905
like, [makes squelching sound]
and I was like...
509
00:25:31,906 --> 00:25:34,282
[laughter]
510
00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:36,493
"There you go, buddy."
And then, he doesn't even care,
511
00:25:36,494 --> 00:25:38,621
he, like, puts it in his pocket,
and then...
512
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,832
Then he goes, "Give me another one."
I'm like...
513
00:25:42,917 --> 00:25:47,087
But he doesn't know
that I only eat four out of six.
514
00:25:47,088 --> 00:25:50,715
So, I haven't lost yet,
guy's a push, right?
515
00:25:50,716 --> 00:25:53,635
But I do hem and haw a bit,
I go, "Uh..." I grouse.
516
00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:55,679
Then I give the second one.
Of course, it's not over,
517
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,013
he goes, "Give me the rest."
518
00:25:57,014 --> 00:26:00,518
Now, it's decision time, do we fight...?
519
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,982
And I go--
And before I totally puff up, I go...
520
00:26:06,983 --> 00:26:08,942
Oh, I have a brainstorm, I go,
521
00:26:08,943 --> 00:26:11,069
"Hey, I gave to you 10,
why don't you go buy some?"
522
00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:12,196
And he goes...
523
00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:17,492
Something was creaking
and making sense in his head, he goes...
524
00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:20,537
And then I dart my eyes to the two guys
working there and they go,
525
00:26:20,538 --> 00:26:22,623
"Fuck, no, don't do it..."
526
00:26:23,374 --> 00:26:26,252
And I go,
"They're waiting for you, now scoot!"
527
00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:29,087
He turned a quarter inch,
and I went ecchh
528
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:31,172
and dove in my car and started crying.
529
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,842
But you know what?
Stood up to a bully, Denver.
530
00:26:33,843 --> 00:26:36,595
Yeah, I stood up to a bully, applaud that.
531
00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:41,934
[chuckles]
532
00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:44,895
Terrifying.
533
00:26:46,063 --> 00:26:48,565
Almost shit my-- Oh, speaking of,
I got a colonoscopy.
534
00:26:48,566 --> 00:26:50,776
Down, ladies.
535
00:26:52,862 --> 00:26:56,157
Quick story, 22 minutes, I got a, uh...
536
00:26:56,949 --> 00:27:01,328
Call the sitters. I got a colonoscopy,
which you have to now and then, and...
537
00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:02,454
[single clap]
538
00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:05,124
[laughter]
539
00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:08,877
[chuckles] So I, um...
540
00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:12,547
Firstly, to start it you have to take
a bunch of stuff to cleanse the system.
541
00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,716
Clean out--
You know what I'm talking about?
542
00:27:14,717 --> 00:27:17,510
You know what I mean, when you
cleanse the system? Let's look at a clip.
543
00:27:17,511 --> 00:27:19,346
[laughter]
544
00:27:19,347 --> 00:27:21,264
Did we bring the clip?
We don't have the screen?
545
00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:26,311
So, you know what it is.
Then they lay me on the slab, the gurney.
546
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:30,690
Then the doctor takes a breathing tube
this big down my tiny throat.
547
00:27:30,691 --> 00:27:32,567
It hurt so much after, I go,
548
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:35,862
"Hey, you didn't happen to jam
your wang down there, did you?"
549
00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:37,573
[laughter]
550
00:27:38,574 --> 00:27:41,493
And he goes, "You can't prove that."
I go...
551
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:43,662
[laughter]
552
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:47,540
So they put me on the gurney
and then they go, "Here's the Propofol."
553
00:27:47,541 --> 00:27:48,833
Knock me out.
554
00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:51,211
I didn't wake up fast enough.
Everyone says they love that part.
555
00:27:51,212 --> 00:27:52,837
I didn't. I was like...
[makes gurgling sound]
556
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:56,591
So, he's trying to explain the procedure.
I don't listen, so he leaves a file on me.
557
00:27:56,592 --> 00:27:58,385
So, I wake up, I'm like, "Oh."
558
00:27:58,386 --> 00:28:00,887
It's like, four pages of scribbling,
559
00:28:00,888 --> 00:28:04,307
and then five huge photographs.
560
00:28:04,308 --> 00:28:06,059
[laughter]
561
00:28:06,060 --> 00:28:08,395
I'm sorry, who are these for?
562
00:28:08,396 --> 00:28:11,982
You have five mongo pictures
of my butthole.
563
00:28:13,109 --> 00:28:16,737
What am I-- I'll take a few wallet-size.
What do I need these for, the fridge?
564
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,865
Am I handing these out at parties?
I go, "Hey."
565
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,867
The guy goes, "I wanted to show my work."
566
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:25,955
I go, "I trust you.
I don't know what you did, I don't care."
567
00:28:26,872 --> 00:28:28,207
I don't care if you did it.
568
00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:32,502
And-- 'Cause, you know,
they get in there, and so...
569
00:28:32,503 --> 00:28:33,670
they rough you up.
570
00:28:33,671 --> 00:28:36,423
'Cause I was so out of it,
I go, "I think I fell off the table."
571
00:28:36,424 --> 00:28:39,092
I was so sore, and I go to the guy,
572
00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:43,054
"Hey, did I fall off the table?"
And he goes, "Did you what? No."
573
00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:48,768
And I go, "Well, my leg has a bruise
right here, and my clavicle's broken."
574
00:28:48,769 --> 00:28:51,646
He goes, "I think it was like that."
575
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:52,815
And I go...
576
00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:56,901
"No, it wasn't like that when I came in."
577
00:28:56,902 --> 00:28:57,986
[laughter]
578
00:28:57,987 --> 00:29:02,074
"And my ankle's twisted.
How many times did I fall, roughly?"
579
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:08,288
Because they rough you up. Like,
I saw a thing on liposuction on YouTube,
580
00:29:08,289 --> 00:29:09,414
and they just...
581
00:29:09,415 --> 00:29:14,461
I picture, lift your skin, skinny
little vacuum, and they go...
582
00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:17,088
[makes soft sucking sound]
"Here we go."
583
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:23,219
No, no, it's rip the skin up,
boombox, crank it.
584
00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:25,805
"Hey, it's Margie's birthday,
we're all going to Bennigan's after."
585
00:29:25,806 --> 00:29:28,267
[makes whirring sound]
The guy's like this...
586
00:29:28,893 --> 00:29:31,228
I'm like, "Holy shit, goddamn!
587
00:29:32,396 --> 00:29:35,733
Somebody do something."
No wonder everyone's covered in bruises.
588
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:40,820
So, I wake up and I leave.
589
00:29:40,821 --> 00:29:42,865
After they did a whole number, you know.
590
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:47,327
And the next day my buddy goes,
"Uh, you walking funny?"
591
00:29:47,328 --> 00:29:49,204
I go, "No, why?"
592
00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:53,458
He goes, "Does your b-hole hurt a lot?"
I go, "No, why?"
593
00:29:53,459 --> 00:29:56,169
And he goes, "Didn't you just get
a colonoscopy yesterday?"
594
00:29:56,170 --> 00:29:59,340
I go, "Oh, my God, I don't feel anything."
595
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:03,927
He goes, "Weird." I go, "I don't like it."
596
00:30:03,928 --> 00:30:06,804
Because I got scared.
597
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:09,807
What if I got abducted by aliens?
This probably won't happen,
598
00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,559
but what if I got abducted by aliens?
599
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,853
They could run a train on me,
I wouldn't even know anything.
600
00:30:13,854 --> 00:30:15,064
I wouldn't know.
601
00:30:16,065 --> 00:30:19,400
I come back to earth, I'm a hero,
everyone's talking, "What happened?"
602
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:23,655
I go, "I went in this room,
and we were just talking about some stuff,
603
00:30:23,656 --> 00:30:28,284
and um, about, like,
my knowledge of Earth."
604
00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:32,372
And they're like, "Dude, we found
a thousand alien babies in your butt."
605
00:30:32,373 --> 00:30:36,001
I'm like, "What? Wait, what? Mine?
606
00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:40,672
Oh, my God, there must have been
some shenanigans going on up there.
607
00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:42,132
Ai-ai-ai!"
608
00:30:42,883 --> 00:30:47,220
Um, anyway,
so here's why I'm a great guy.
609
00:30:47,221 --> 00:30:49,138
I gave to charity about four years ago.
610
00:30:49,139 --> 00:30:50,641
Thank you.
611
00:30:52,101 --> 00:30:55,144
And-- No, I did go to a charity for Haiti.
612
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:57,105
Now, in Hollywood,
they have these big shenanigans
613
00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:59,524
where, like, Haiti had an earthquake.
614
00:30:59,525 --> 00:31:01,359
Sean Penn... [inhales]
615
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,487
...goes over there, gets on a canoe,
floats around, and...
616
00:31:04,488 --> 00:31:06,574
surmises the sitch.
617
00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,325
You know he does that.
He comes back, and he goes, "All right,
618
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:12,120
we're gonna raise some money
and do something right." Great.
619
00:31:12,121 --> 00:31:15,081
So, he gets about 300 showbiz types,
we're in a room.
620
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:19,502
And we all spend money.
The idea is to auction off stuff. Great.
621
00:31:19,503 --> 00:31:21,838
And the things they auction off
are very expensive.
622
00:31:21,839 --> 00:31:24,842
Win a hot air balloon ride
with Justin Bieber, you know.
623
00:31:25,342 --> 00:31:28,177
Take a rocket to Mars with Elon Musk
and three friends.
624
00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:32,974
So... But it's all expensive,
so selfishly I'm like, "I'll go.
625
00:31:32,975 --> 00:31:36,728
I'll have a few knocks and maybe bid,
maybe not. I just want to go, really."
626
00:31:36,729 --> 00:31:42,483
So, I go there, I sit at a table
with like, Charlize, all these stars.
627
00:31:42,484 --> 00:31:45,153
Now I'm a little-- a little wasted,
you know what I mean?
628
00:31:45,154 --> 00:31:48,239
I've had a couple, and I don't realize it.
629
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:49,490
Because I'm nervous.
630
00:31:49,491 --> 00:31:52,201
And then Charlize is there,
I look through the pamphlet,
631
00:31:52,202 --> 00:31:54,037
I go, "Ooh, I might bid on some stuff.
632
00:31:54,038 --> 00:31:57,790
Ooh, Paul McCartney tickets
and a meet-and-greet."
633
00:31:57,791 --> 00:32:01,210
And I'm like, "That sounds good."
But it said it might go up to 10 grand.
634
00:32:01,211 --> 00:32:03,796
I was like, "I don't know.
I don't love that."
635
00:32:03,797 --> 00:32:07,759
So, I go, maybe I'll bid for a little bit
and then... [whistles] jump out.
636
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,928
So I go, "All right." So, I get
my ping-pong paddle, and I go,
637
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,222
"Hey, Charlize, you better buckle up,
638
00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:15,224
it might get a little
ching-ching-chingy in here."
639
00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:18,227
And she goes, "Are you talking?"
I go, "Nope.
640
00:32:18,228 --> 00:32:20,271
- Nothing, I don't know what's going on."
- [laughter]
641
00:32:20,272 --> 00:32:23,316
"What am I doing?" I'm talking like this,
"Don't be drunk." I'm drunk.
642
00:32:23,317 --> 00:32:25,818
You know, you try not to be drunk,
I went... [makes swishing sound]
643
00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:28,197
And then I got
my ping-pong paddle like this...
644
00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:31,533
And Sean's like, "Coming up next..."
645
00:32:32,326 --> 00:32:34,452
I'm already in over my head,
I don't know what I'm doing,
646
00:32:34,453 --> 00:32:36,329
and he goes, "Paul McCartney tickets,
647
00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:39,249
two tickets and backstage."
And I go like this...
648
00:32:40,751 --> 00:32:44,380
And he goes, "Start the bidding
at 50 grand, David Spade," and I go...
649
00:32:45,839 --> 00:32:47,757
"What'd he say? What'd he say?
650
00:32:47,758 --> 00:32:50,927
No, he did, did he say five?
No, he didn't. Five-0?
651
00:32:50,928 --> 00:32:53,221
What do you mean? No, no.
Hey, Sean."
652
00:32:53,222 --> 00:32:54,681
This is a hundred percent true story.
653
00:32:54,682 --> 00:32:57,517
"Sean, I think you said 50,
654
00:32:57,518 --> 00:33:02,563
but ideally what happens in these--
You do increments, like, you say one,
655
00:33:02,564 --> 00:33:04,232
and then I say two.
656
00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:05,858
And then you say three,
and there's an increment,
657
00:33:05,859 --> 00:33:08,152
and I don't know if I say four,
I don't know.
658
00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:10,823
But I think you, like, jumped high.'"
659
00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:15,034
It's dead silent, I'm like this, I go...
660
00:33:15,035 --> 00:33:16,953
And Charlize is, like, "Are you broke?"
661
00:33:16,954 --> 00:33:20,456
I go, "No, no, no, no, I'm not--
I'm just saying.
662
00:33:20,457 --> 00:33:23,459
It's funny, like, 50,000's like a penny
to me, I'm just saying
663
00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:27,880
it's a funny scenario
of humongous it is, the money.
664
00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:29,090
It's just funny."
665
00:33:29,091 --> 00:33:31,134
Now I'm like this. [exhales]
But now I'm like,
666
00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:34,262
"What am I doing, I'm already
in over my head." I start sweating.
667
00:33:34,263 --> 00:33:37,974
[sniffs] But here I am, and Sean--
It was like a dream.
668
00:33:37,975 --> 00:33:41,894
He goes, "60 over here, 70, Spade, 80."
669
00:33:41,895 --> 00:33:43,896
I go, "80, me?"
670
00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:44,856
"Spade again."
671
00:33:44,857 --> 00:33:49,068
"Oh, uh, 80,000 for still two tickets?
672
00:33:49,069 --> 00:33:52,280
Holy-- Talk about Ticketmaster.
I mean, Jesus Christ,
673
00:33:52,281 --> 00:33:55,241
we got some fucking fees in there."
674
00:33:55,242 --> 00:33:57,034
[laughter]
675
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:59,370
"But no, really $80,000,
that's what we're seriously saying?
676
00:33:59,371 --> 00:34:02,415
We're saying 80, 80 for--"
677
00:34:02,416 --> 00:34:05,209
Silent again. I see DiCaprio craning
his head going,
678
00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:09,882
"Who invited this?" I'm like,
"I'm doing it. 80,000, it's the cause."
679
00:34:11,008 --> 00:34:15,428
So now, I can't even hide anymore,
I'm like this. [exhales]
680
00:34:15,429 --> 00:34:18,139
And within one second,
he goes, "Ninety! Spade a hundred."
681
00:34:18,140 --> 00:34:19,515
I go, "It can't be a fucking hundred!
682
00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:22,310
It was one second ago.
It cannot be a hundred grand.
683
00:34:22,311 --> 00:34:25,146
Guys, I shouldn't be here."
I started to crack.
684
00:34:25,147 --> 00:34:27,607
"Guys, I don't know what I'm doing here,
I came for fun.
685
00:34:27,608 --> 00:34:30,193
Honestly, I shouldn't be here.
I swear to God, gun to my head,
686
00:34:30,194 --> 00:34:31,527
I couldn't find Haiti on a map.
687
00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:32,945
I don't know what's going on.
688
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:35,239
Is it still by Hawaii? I don't know.
689
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:37,700
But honestly, was it a bad earthquake?
690
00:34:37,701 --> 00:34:40,536
I mean, was it a rumbler?
It's not a hundred grand.
691
00:34:40,537 --> 00:34:44,207
I've been in them, they're scary.
It's not a hundred grand, I'm telling you.
692
00:34:44,208 --> 00:34:46,417
Guys, wha-- Let's think about this.
693
00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:50,797
I mean, it's a hundred grand, and give me
my phone, I have to text someone
694
00:34:50,798 --> 00:34:53,884
and find out if we're doing Grown Ups 3.
Just give me one second.
695
00:34:54,551 --> 00:34:55,719
I need some money."
696
00:34:56,887 --> 00:34:58,847
[panting]
697
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,683
- Oh, my God.
- [cheers and applause]
698
00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:08,231
So in over my head. So drunk.
699
00:35:08,232 --> 00:35:09,899
Shitting, freaking out.
700
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:13,820
And then they're all looking, and I go,
"I'm doing it, I'm doing a hundred,
701
00:35:13,821 --> 00:35:17,114
I'm just saying it's a really good cause
and lets, let's do this."
702
00:35:17,115 --> 00:35:21,077
And I'm just like, "Goddamn,"
and then he goes, "Anybody, 125?"
703
00:35:21,078 --> 00:35:24,747
And I go to my table, "You guys, do not
connect eyes with Sean Penn,
704
00:35:24,748 --> 00:35:27,583
he's a bad person.
Just let him--
705
00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:30,419
Let Jeff Bezos sweep this one
and get the fuck out of here
706
00:35:30,420 --> 00:35:33,756
because he should do it and be a hero,
and then I'll get out of here, all right?
707
00:35:33,757 --> 00:35:37,134
So don't look at him.
Everyone look down and be real quiet,
708
00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:38,553
and this will all go away."
709
00:35:38,554 --> 00:35:41,472
And then he pulls the biggest rat-fuck
of all, he goes,
710
00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:43,851
"Spade, 125." I go...
711
00:35:44,685 --> 00:35:46,687
[laughter]
712
00:35:48,564 --> 00:35:51,608
"'What are you doing? I don't understand.
713
00:35:52,442 --> 00:35:55,319
Why would he say that?
I-- I'm the hundred guy.
714
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:56,821
I said a hundred, remember?
715
00:35:56,822 --> 00:35:59,156
I think I won. I don't know, I won?
716
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:01,367
Do I win 'cause I said the highest
or am I..."
717
00:36:01,368 --> 00:36:03,786
And then he goes... [inhales]
718
00:36:03,787 --> 00:36:06,914
"Spade, Spade." I go, "No, no, no.
No, no, no."
719
00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:10,668
Oh, my God, it was like a bomb went off.
Look at DiCaprio in slow motion.
720
00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:13,880
"Spade. Spade."
721
00:36:13,881 --> 00:36:17,008
The whole goddamn place,
"Spade, Spade."
722
00:36:17,009 --> 00:36:21,680
I go, "125, guys.
I fixed Haiti, it's fixed. I did it."
723
00:36:23,015 --> 00:36:26,726
Thank you! Spadey saves Haiti.
724
00:36:26,727 --> 00:36:28,270
[cheers and applause]
725
00:36:31,356 --> 00:36:34,610
I walk out of there like a bum. Ahh...
726
00:36:35,861 --> 00:36:38,362
People are talking,
I can't even hear them, like...
727
00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:40,282
[laughter]
728
00:36:42,993 --> 00:36:45,453
The sickest part is it took a week
to tell my accountant anything.
729
00:36:45,454 --> 00:36:50,082
I go, "Hey, good news,
I got a big write-off."
730
00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:52,210
[laughter]
731
00:36:53,128 --> 00:36:55,087
I sound like Kramer, I go...
732
00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:57,715
He goes, uh, "What happened,
what do you mean?"
733
00:36:57,716 --> 00:37:00,217
I go, "I bought stuff at an auction.
734
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:03,220
And then I buy stuff, I get these tickets,
and I pay a little more
735
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:06,808
and then, um,
and then I write it off, it's free."
736
00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:12,605
He's like, "Well, the way that works
is you can write off
737
00:37:12,606 --> 00:37:14,732
the face value of the tickets,
which is $300,
738
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,901
so how much more of that did you spend?"
739
00:37:16,902 --> 00:37:19,029
[laughter]
740
00:37:21,198 --> 00:37:22,616
It was more.
741
00:37:23,784 --> 00:37:25,452
You'll find out. [giggles]
742
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:30,624
Anyway, um...
743
00:37:33,418 --> 00:37:35,586
Christmas is coming up
744
00:37:35,587 --> 00:37:38,673
or it just happened depending on
when this airs, and, um...
745
00:37:38,674 --> 00:37:40,050
[laughter]
746
00:37:43,428 --> 00:37:45,304
I don't get Christmas cards
anymore, sadly.
747
00:37:45,305 --> 00:37:48,808
I get a lot of, um, lazy emails.
748
00:37:48,809 --> 00:37:53,689
You know what I mean?
Christmas card email, and I only got one.
749
00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:59,944
It was Happy Holidays from your family
at Toyota of North Hollywood.
750
00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:01,863
[laughter]
751
00:38:02,864 --> 00:38:05,409
Where you got an oil change six years ago.
752
00:38:06,368 --> 00:38:07,576
And we still have your email.
753
00:38:07,577 --> 00:38:09,912
My family never knows
what to get me for Christmas
754
00:38:09,913 --> 00:38:12,415
'cause I'm like the spoiled
Meghan Markle of the family.
755
00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:15,168
They all sort of glare at me
and grouse, but...
756
00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:18,337
Just 'cause I've got a few beans
in my jeans, they all like,
757
00:38:18,338 --> 00:38:21,090
"I don't have to get you anything."
I don't need anything, I'm fine.
758
00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:23,843
I got my flannel shirt for Denver.
759
00:38:23,844 --> 00:38:25,594
[laughter]
760
00:38:25,595 --> 00:38:27,973
I'm, like, "Hey, Denver."
761
00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:33,394
Look at me, blending in.
762
00:38:33,395 --> 00:38:36,063
So, my brother, who's older,
is a tough guy.
763
00:38:36,064 --> 00:38:38,482
Works construction.
He always gets me something,
764
00:38:38,483 --> 00:38:40,901
and I have to appreciate it,
but it's always just something random.
765
00:38:40,902 --> 00:38:44,864
So, he goes-- He comes over
and he goes, "Hey, man, I got you this."
766
00:38:44,865 --> 00:38:46,073
And I go, "Oh."
767
00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:50,370
It's a knife, it's a buck knife,
like 11-inch Bowie knife
768
00:38:50,871 --> 00:38:54,290
that's used, it's not wrapped.
769
00:38:54,291 --> 00:38:57,877
Guys never give anything wrapped.
Just like, ehh. Then he goes...
770
00:38:57,878 --> 00:39:03,507
And it's got dried blood on it, so I go,
"Oh, my God, thank you," first of all.
771
00:39:03,508 --> 00:39:06,344
And then I go, "A knife, huh?"
772
00:39:07,054 --> 00:39:09,972
Then he goes, "I know you like knifes."
773
00:39:09,973 --> 00:39:12,100
I go, "I do?"
774
00:39:13,185 --> 00:39:17,022
He goes, "Well, at dinner, you're always
like, 'Can I have a knife?'" I go...
775
00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:22,068
That's fair, yeah, okay. I'll take it.
776
00:39:22,069 --> 00:39:24,111
I go, "That's great, uh..."
777
00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:27,364
I go, "Is it dried blood?"
And he goes, "That's a funny story."
778
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,409
I go, "Yeah, continue."
779
00:39:29,910 --> 00:39:34,663
He goes, "Well, at my apartments
there was a big gang fight, you know.
780
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:37,124
And the cops were there,
and it was crazy.
781
00:39:37,125 --> 00:39:39,460
So, I went out there to rattle off
a few TikToks.
782
00:39:39,461 --> 00:39:42,463
And so, they're all looking for something,
783
00:39:42,464 --> 00:39:45,132
I looked down by my foot,
and there's this knife.
784
00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:47,885
So, I step on it,
I kind of scrape it to the curb
785
00:39:47,886 --> 00:39:51,388
'cause you know what I'm thinking."
I go, "Christmas?"
786
00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:53,475
[laughter]
787
00:39:55,185 --> 00:39:57,103
[sighs] Right.
788
00:39:57,104 --> 00:40:00,022
He goes, "Anyway,
I don't have the thing it came in."
789
00:40:00,023 --> 00:40:02,358
I go, "Oh, the body? That's fine."
790
00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:04,735
- [laughter]
- "I don't need it.
791
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:07,781
Oh, the Ziploc evidence bag?
I don't need it."
792
00:40:09,741 --> 00:40:14,245
And then I'm at the airport
talking to the guys at TSA and laughing,
793
00:40:14,246 --> 00:40:17,832
and two cops literally pull me back,
and they go, "Is this your bag?"
794
00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:21,293
I go, "Why?" And they go... Sching!
795
00:40:21,294 --> 00:40:24,922
I go, "Oh, my God."
They go, "Is this yours?" I go,
796
00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:28,677
"Yes and no. It's actually--
It's a funny story, um...
797
00:40:30,137 --> 00:40:32,179
It's not that funny, I don't know,
I don't know what to say.
798
00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:33,389
Yeah, I don't know..."
799
00:40:33,390 --> 00:40:35,641
They go, "You can't take this
on the plane." I go, "Yeah, no shit."
800
00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:38,227
I go, "Just throw it away."
801
00:40:38,228 --> 00:40:40,187
And they go, they're willing to look
the other way,
802
00:40:40,188 --> 00:40:43,149
and I go, "Yeah."
I go, "By the way, thank you
803
00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,609
for putting your fingerprints on it too.
Thank you."
804
00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:46,694
[laughter]
805
00:40:46,695 --> 00:40:49,030
Now this case will be thrown out.
806
00:40:50,782 --> 00:40:53,702
It's getting hard to watch porn
on an airplane. [clears throat]
807
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:58,038
It's not impossible.
I watch porn on a laptop.
808
00:40:58,039 --> 00:41:00,291
I want the whole THX Dolby.
809
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,711
So, when I'm watching it,
810
00:41:04,004 --> 00:41:06,297
I don't-- first of all,
I watch it in the aisle,
811
00:41:06,298 --> 00:41:09,384
and I get looky-loos behind me,
I don't like that.
812
00:41:11,052 --> 00:41:12,971
[audience laughing]
813
00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:18,185
"More brightness!"
Get out of here, come on.
814
00:41:20,145 --> 00:41:22,354
But porn has sort of jumped ahead.
815
00:41:22,355 --> 00:41:25,900
I got out of it for a while, I got out.
For a while. I'm back in.
816
00:41:25,901 --> 00:41:28,569
But... [laughing]
817
00:41:28,570 --> 00:41:34,533
...it was, like, you know,
sort of just basic when I had the VHS.
818
00:41:34,534 --> 00:41:36,368
They were just naked,
I was happy, you know.
819
00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:39,122
Now there's 500 categories.
I don't get it.
820
00:41:39,998 --> 00:41:44,126
I looked-- These categories, guys.
First one, mother-daughter porn.
821
00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:45,502
I'm like...
822
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:48,840
This got okayed by everyone?
Just everyone in the meeting was, like...
823
00:41:50,050 --> 00:41:52,761
Oh... I like it.
824
00:41:53,303 --> 00:41:54,721
[laughter]
825
00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:59,225
By the way, just so you know,
it's not a real mother-daughter.
826
00:41:59,226 --> 00:42:01,936
I mean, you know,
in a perfect world, but...
827
00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:03,437
[laughter]
828
00:42:03,438 --> 00:42:04,438
Too bad.
829
00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:08,067
Honestly, it's-- What they do is they take
830
00:42:08,068 --> 00:42:12,780
the, uh, young 19-year-old ingenue
831
00:42:12,781 --> 00:42:17,201
and they team her up
with a grizzled vet. [laughing]
832
00:42:17,202 --> 00:42:20,537
And the grizzled vet
doesn't like the other one,
833
00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:22,873
and you can tell, it's very clear.
834
00:42:22,874 --> 00:42:26,335
After two minutes, she's like,
"Beat it, junior, I got this."
835
00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:27,419
[laughter]
836
00:42:27,420 --> 00:42:30,966
"Let me show you how it's done."
[makes suggestive sounds]
837
00:42:31,466 --> 00:42:33,759
"Not bad for 76, huh?"
838
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,263
Everyone goes, "Seventy-six, wha--?"
839
00:42:37,973 --> 00:42:42,184
The porn guy's like, "Hey, can we--?
Can we get a union guy--?
840
00:42:42,185 --> 00:42:44,520
Who's 76? What's a--
841
00:42:44,521 --> 00:42:46,940
What's a cougar again, what's going on?"
842
00:42:48,108 --> 00:42:50,652
[roars softly] There's also
843
00:42:51,653 --> 00:42:53,237
stepbrother-stepsister.
844
00:42:53,238 --> 00:42:56,241
That one, fine. You know, fine.
845
00:42:56,741 --> 00:42:57,909
I watch it.
846
00:42:58,910 --> 00:43:03,248
About 10 minutes before any action.
847
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:06,125
Ten minutes of yapping.
848
00:43:06,126 --> 00:43:08,419
Why on God's green earth
are you talking so much?
849
00:43:08,420 --> 00:43:11,798
Why are you ad-libbing? Why, just...
850
00:43:13,466 --> 00:43:16,176
And she's like the whole time, like,
"I'm so naked and hot,
851
00:43:16,177 --> 00:43:20,055
but you're my stepbrother."
He's like, "I know, stepsister.
852
00:43:20,056 --> 00:43:23,267
I'm so horny for you, we should have sex,
but I'm your stepbrother."
853
00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:25,352
I'm like, "I know, go!
854
00:43:25,353 --> 00:43:30,607
I know, that's why I'm here. Wha--
I clicked it, I'm all caught up."
855
00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:32,568
[laughter]
856
00:43:32,569 --> 00:43:35,822
"Go, go, go, wh-- What's happening?"
857
00:43:37,198 --> 00:43:40,660
She keeps yapping,
"My uncle's your dad." I'm like...
858
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,663
"Is he? What, what? I don't...
859
00:43:44,664 --> 00:43:47,459
I'm doing math, just get it on."
860
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:50,670
Be a real sis-- I don't care.
861
00:43:53,089 --> 00:43:57,177
You think I'm closing my laptop.
No. I'm in this one.
862
00:43:58,553 --> 00:44:01,680
Oh, there's squirters, I don't know.
863
00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:05,226
Guys, squirting, stay innocent.
864
00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:09,021
I didn't know what it was. I'm innocent.
865
00:44:09,022 --> 00:44:13,067
Because when I grew up,
there were no squirters.
866
00:44:13,068 --> 00:44:14,903
[laughter]
867
00:44:15,403 --> 00:44:18,490
Now there's too many. What happened?
868
00:44:19,491 --> 00:44:21,201
You pick it up along the way?
869
00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:25,246
Is it a YouTube tutorial, like...
870
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:28,082
My friend-- I didn't know, he goes,
"Check this one out."
871
00:44:28,083 --> 00:44:30,543
I go, "What is it?" He goes, "You'll see."
872
00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:37,216
I go, "Why is that guy's hair all wet?"
He goes, "Just keep watching."
873
00:44:37,217 --> 00:44:39,176
[laughter]
874
00:44:39,177 --> 00:44:42,263
And then I'm like,
"Wait, what's squirt--?" He's--
875
00:44:42,806 --> 00:44:46,225
Not to be graphic, the guy's head
is down in her nether regions, right?
876
00:44:46,226 --> 00:44:50,020
And she is squirting, and it's crazy
'cause he's in there like,
877
00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:51,897
getting nailed, it's like...
[barking sounds]
878
00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:56,528
...it's like a dog biting at sprinklers,
like... [makes barking sounds]
879
00:44:58,029 --> 00:45:01,407
I'm like, "God dang it."
Running through frame.
880
00:45:01,408 --> 00:45:03,575
[makes chomping sounds]
881
00:45:03,576 --> 00:45:04,868
[laughter]
882
00:45:04,869 --> 00:45:07,956
I'm like, "Is this good or bad?
I don't know what's going on."
883
00:45:08,832 --> 00:45:11,625
I'm not-- This is new,
and I don't love it.
884
00:45:11,626 --> 00:45:15,379
God forbid some girl squirts with me,
I wouldn't know what to do.
885
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,923
I'm the unsexiest.
I come in, like,
886
00:45:17,924 --> 00:45:20,467
'What's going on in here?"
You know, like, ready to get it on,
887
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:22,720
and then, deesh.
"Oh, my God is that--
888
00:45:23,471 --> 00:45:26,516
Is that window open? Did you see that?"
889
00:45:28,768 --> 00:45:29,811
"Oh!
890
00:45:30,854 --> 00:45:33,772
Did someone step on your stomach?
That came from your way."
891
00:45:33,773 --> 00:45:35,065
[laughter]
892
00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:38,111
"Ha! Wait, are you doing that on purpose?
893
00:45:38,653 --> 00:45:40,905
No! Don't aim it at me, don't!
894
00:45:41,656 --> 00:45:44,908
Listen, don't do-- Oh! Got me, ah...
895
00:45:44,909 --> 00:45:47,911
Come on, oh, this cashmere.
Oh, my God."
896
00:45:47,912 --> 00:45:49,038
[laughter]
897
00:45:51,624 --> 00:45:53,168
"This isn't coming out."
898
00:45:54,461 --> 00:45:57,713
Then I have to humiliatingly
go to the dry cleaner.
899
00:45:57,714 --> 00:45:59,299
"Can you get this out?"
900
00:46:00,133 --> 00:46:01,509
"What is it?"
901
00:46:02,552 --> 00:46:03,969
"Nobody knows."
902
00:46:03,970 --> 00:46:05,722
[laughter]
903
00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:11,561
Yeah. Figure it out, we'll go on TikTok.
904
00:46:13,229 --> 00:46:15,064
And show the world.
905
00:46:16,524 --> 00:46:17,900
Yeah!
906
00:46:17,901 --> 00:46:19,652
[cheers and applause]
907
00:46:24,115 --> 00:46:25,283
Oh, boy.
908
00:46:25,992 --> 00:46:28,536
By the way, when I was a kid, I was, uh...
909
00:46:29,037 --> 00:46:32,247
I don't want to say cute
'cause it's not strong enough of a word.
910
00:46:32,248 --> 00:46:33,790
It was more adorable.
911
00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:36,336
Um, I almost got kidnapped.
912
00:46:37,003 --> 00:46:41,089
This is-- I'll make it funny. It was--
I'm so...
913
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:44,552
It came out weird.
I almost got plucked from a mall...
914
00:46:45,261 --> 00:46:50,724
Well, first of all, I was 8 years old,
blonde hair,
915
00:46:50,725 --> 00:46:53,852
looked like exactly Macaulay Culkin,
early Home Alone one.
916
00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:55,938
Like, I was nailing it.
917
00:46:55,939 --> 00:46:58,607
And I was kind of tan, I was, like,
918
00:46:58,608 --> 00:47:01,985
shorts, I mean,
it was almost entrapment. Honestly.
919
00:47:01,986 --> 00:47:05,656
Who's turning this-- If you're a child
molester, I'm your dude, right, so...
920
00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:09,826
Anyway, I go--
My mom takes me to the mall.
921
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:13,247
And it wasn't the helicopter mom days.
I think you remember.
922
00:47:13,248 --> 00:47:16,875
She's like, "See you in eight hours."
You know, so...
923
00:47:16,876 --> 00:47:18,293
[laughter]
924
00:47:18,294 --> 00:47:20,379
No one blinked, there's no mothers
going, "Oh!"
925
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:23,006
They're like, "Yeah, my kid too." So...
926
00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:26,094
Here's a quarter in case everything
goes sideways on you.
927
00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:30,472
So, I don't know, about five hours later,
she comes back to the mall,
928
00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:32,307
and she's in a card store.
929
00:47:32,308 --> 00:47:35,060
I'm buzzing around.
I go in this card store randomly,
930
00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:38,814
and this old guy, like, 50--
which is not old now.
931
00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:42,235
Back-- Back then.
In this scenario, I was 8.
932
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:47,322
Now it's, like 25.
So, he's this creepy 50-year-old,
933
00:47:47,323 --> 00:47:49,616
and he goes, "Hey, kid,
934
00:47:49,617 --> 00:47:51,994
do you want to go in my van
and get a snow cone with me?"
935
00:47:51,995 --> 00:47:53,246
And I'm like...
936
00:47:55,081 --> 00:47:56,748
"Yes." Like, obviously.
937
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:59,251
Obviously yes, it was like,
"Did I win the lottery?"
938
00:47:59,252 --> 00:48:02,671
There was no weird feelings,
no gut feeling,
939
00:48:02,672 --> 00:48:06,759
no tingles, no nothing. I was just, like,
all aboard, you know?
940
00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:09,137
But then I go like this,
941
00:48:10,138 --> 00:48:12,598
"Could it be ice cream?" And he waits.
942
00:48:12,599 --> 00:48:14,891
And I go, "Either one.
Ice cream, ice cream sandwich.
943
00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:16,184
I don't care, whatever."
944
00:48:16,185 --> 00:48:19,564
I'm like, "Am I blowing
this deal alre-- What am I doing?"
945
00:48:21,232 --> 00:48:24,985
And he was either smart or stupid
946
00:48:24,986 --> 00:48:28,573
because he paused. I go, "Could it be
ice cream?" And he goes, "Uh...
947
00:48:30,283 --> 00:48:31,617
Yeah, okay."
948
00:48:31,618 --> 00:48:34,745
Dude, just say yes. What are--
949
00:48:34,746 --> 00:48:36,622
We're not getting ice cream,
we're not getting any,
950
00:48:36,623 --> 00:48:38,248
I'll be chained to a radiator in an hour.
951
00:48:38,249 --> 00:48:42,461
Just-- Why would you stall?
You blew it because in that moment,
952
00:48:42,462 --> 00:48:45,881
my mom sees me and goes, "Hey!"
And I go, "Hey, there's my mom.
953
00:48:45,882 --> 00:48:47,758
I gonna grab my coat,
and I'll be right back."
954
00:48:47,759 --> 00:48:49,926
And I run up, and he goes, "No, no, no!"
955
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:52,346
My mom, I go, "Hey, I'm gonna grab
an ice cream with this dude,
956
00:48:52,347 --> 00:48:54,056
and I'll be back." And she's like,
"No, no, no, you're not."
957
00:48:54,057 --> 00:48:57,643
And I go, "Hey, dude,
Mom says no go." [chuckles]
958
00:48:57,644 --> 00:48:59,936
And he goes, "What the fu--
We had a deal!"
959
00:48:59,937 --> 00:49:01,605
And I'm like, "Nah, no good."
960
00:49:01,606 --> 00:49:04,359
Meanwhile, I shrug it off,
he's like, "Nahh!"
961
00:49:06,027 --> 00:49:07,819
His own-- It's his own fault.
962
00:49:07,820 --> 00:49:09,613
Oh, he's kicking himself.
963
00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:15,578
Oh, I did a movie once where, uh, I had
to use squibs. You know what those are?
964
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:20,041
Lingo. Like, I had to get shot
in this kind of serious movie.
965
00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:23,418
So, I'm in my trailer eating a burrito.
966
00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:25,712
I don't care about it, you know,
'cause I'm gonna have to strip down.
967
00:49:25,713 --> 00:49:27,297
But I thought it was the next day.
968
00:49:27,298 --> 00:49:31,134
So, deesh, deesh, this guy,
older special effects guy,
969
00:49:31,135 --> 00:49:33,553
long gray hair like this in a ponytail.
970
00:49:33,554 --> 00:49:38,475
He's like, "Hey, man, we've got that
squib shot today. Can I squib you up?"
971
00:49:38,476 --> 00:49:41,978
I'm like, "Oh, is that right now?
Is that right now after lunch? Oh."
972
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:44,314
He goes, "They're ready for you."
I go, "Oh."
973
00:49:44,315 --> 00:49:48,777
So, he takes these you know, like,
pellets that are filled with fake blood,
974
00:49:48,778 --> 00:49:52,948
and then they have to put them on
like an EKG, and then they have a wire.
975
00:49:52,949 --> 00:49:56,034
And then he goes... keesh...
and he pops them off like a little thing.
976
00:49:56,035 --> 00:49:58,537
And it stings, you know.
So I go, "All right."
977
00:49:58,538 --> 00:50:02,332
So, then I have to strip
down to my boxers,
978
00:50:02,333 --> 00:50:06,253
and then he's like, "All right,
I'm gonna stick these on you. Okay.
979
00:50:06,254 --> 00:50:08,463
Where are your pecs?" I'm like...
980
00:50:08,464 --> 00:50:10,550
[laughter]
981
00:50:12,844 --> 00:50:15,220
"Just guesstimate where they are."
982
00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:19,225
"Okay. Pop one on the old jellyroll
over here.
983
00:50:20,476 --> 00:50:22,812
I'm gonna put one
on the old muffin top. All right.
984
00:50:23,479 --> 00:50:25,480
I think that's enough,
we got 'em all on."
985
00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:31,111
And then he goes-- Okay, now, you have to
put your shirt on really delicately.
986
00:50:31,112 --> 00:50:35,157
And then your pants go over the wires
so they're sticking out the bottom,
987
00:50:35,158 --> 00:50:38,118
and then you tuck them in,
and then everything's like connected.
988
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:41,496
So, he goes,
"Walk very slowly to the set."
989
00:50:41,497 --> 00:50:43,874
You know, it's about a hundred feet.
990
00:50:43,875 --> 00:50:47,753
So, I start walking, and he-- It's out
of my pant leg into the little plunger.
991
00:50:47,754 --> 00:50:50,255
And so, he has to walk three feet
behind me, he goes, "Go slow,"
992
00:50:50,256 --> 00:50:51,590
and I go, "All right."
993
00:50:51,591 --> 00:50:54,176
Literally I pick up my script, I forget
he's there after three seconds
994
00:50:54,177 --> 00:50:56,762
I go... [imitates flatulence]
995
00:50:56,763 --> 00:50:58,597
Three farts in a row.
996
00:50:58,598 --> 00:51:00,516
[laughter]
997
00:51:02,435 --> 00:51:06,229
And I hear behind me...
"Hey, come on, man."
998
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:09,566
I go, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I forgot you were there.
999
00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:11,693
I forgot you were there in one second."
1000
00:51:11,694 --> 00:51:14,113
I was like, "Oh, no, oh, no."
1001
00:51:14,697 --> 00:51:19,993
And... and I start sort of
squeaking out farts 'cause I'm laughing.
1002
00:51:19,994 --> 00:51:22,746
And then I thought,
"Oh, my God, I have to kill this guy
1003
00:51:22,747 --> 00:51:25,832
because I can't have him
out there knowing this."
1004
00:51:25,833 --> 00:51:29,544
Because the worst part was,
he wanted to hit me with a brick,
1005
00:51:29,545 --> 00:51:33,632
but because he's a crew and he's
professional, and I'm in the movie,
1006
00:51:33,633 --> 00:51:37,136
the worst thing he can say is,
"Hey, come on, man."
1007
00:51:37,762 --> 00:51:39,430
Not even yelling it.
1008
00:51:40,473 --> 00:51:44,310
And I was-- I felt so horrifying
that I did this, I was like...
1009
00:51:45,144 --> 00:51:47,562
And you could tell, he's like--
Wants to kill me.
1010
00:51:47,563 --> 00:51:50,232
And then we go all the way to the set,
and then, uh...
1011
00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:53,193
And then later, I know
he's gonna work on a movie,
1012
00:51:53,194 --> 00:51:55,445
and he's gonna have his grandkids
around, they're going to go,
1013
00:51:55,446 --> 00:51:58,198
"I heard you were
with Leonardo DiCaprio--"
1014
00:51:58,199 --> 00:51:59,866
He goes, "David Spade almost shit on me.
1015
00:51:59,867 --> 00:52:01,869
That's the story you're gonna hear."
1016
00:52:04,956 --> 00:52:06,791
Staying in a nice hotel.
1017
00:52:07,708 --> 00:52:10,378
Not this one here, this one's shitty,
but two days ago,
1018
00:52:13,548 --> 00:52:17,802
No, um... Also, I got a massage.
1019
00:52:19,303 --> 00:52:23,974
And the thing is, I don't--
I don't like to get a massage from dudes,
1020
00:52:23,975 --> 00:52:27,519
and it's nothing bad, it's just
I don't want to ask for a female,
1021
00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:29,604
I want a female,
not 'cause I'm a super-creep,
1022
00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:32,858
it's just better because
I want to be, like, the strong one.
1023
00:52:32,859 --> 00:52:35,778
And then-- Which isn't even
always the case, but...
1024
00:52:36,779 --> 00:52:39,823
Guys understand,
if you're a guy, you know,
1025
00:52:39,824 --> 00:52:42,409
you don't want another guy
rubbing you, right?
1026
00:52:42,410 --> 00:52:47,914
It's kind of weird. So, I don't ask
for a female, and this is my problem.
1027
00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:51,960
So, I'm there, and I call down,
and they make it so easy.
1028
00:52:51,961 --> 00:52:54,880
"Hi." I go, "I'd like a massage."
They go, "Oh, great.
1029
00:52:54,881 --> 00:52:58,049
Um, okay, well, you want male or female?"
1030
00:52:58,050 --> 00:52:59,759
I go, "I don't care."
1031
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:01,595
[scattered laughter]
1032
00:53:01,596 --> 00:53:03,346
I care so much.
1033
00:53:03,347 --> 00:53:04,806
[laughter]
1034
00:53:04,807 --> 00:53:08,059
I just want them to decide for me.
Do the right way, go the right way.
1035
00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:10,896
And she goes, "Oh, we don't care either,
1036
00:53:10,897 --> 00:53:13,815
so it could be literally,
we've got a female right here,
1037
00:53:13,816 --> 00:53:17,235
we have a male, whatever you want."
I go, "You pick."
1038
00:53:17,236 --> 00:53:18,654
[laughter]
1039
00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:20,906
All right, we'll send Rick.
1040
00:53:20,907 --> 00:53:22,867
[laughter]
1041
00:53:25,328 --> 00:53:26,745
Now I don't even want a massage.
1042
00:53:26,746 --> 00:53:30,833
Now I'm standing there meekly
in my little dainty robe.
1043
00:53:34,128 --> 00:53:36,922
And this dude walks in,
"Hey, man, what's going on?"
1044
00:53:36,923 --> 00:53:39,049
I'm like, "Hey, man. Blow it up."
1045
00:53:39,050 --> 00:53:43,262
And he's huge, got mongo hands.
Big, long finger, for some reason.
1046
00:53:44,764 --> 00:53:49,976
So-- So I go, "Just regular massage, man.
1047
00:53:49,977 --> 00:53:53,313
Just reg." I don't throw
any code words in.
1048
00:53:53,314 --> 00:53:56,358
You know what I mean? Swedish.
No, don't say that.
1049
00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:58,193
You don't know what it means.
1050
00:53:58,194 --> 00:54:00,278
So you go, "Just regular."
1051
00:54:00,279 --> 00:54:02,906
He goes, "All right, man, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool."
1052
00:54:02,907 --> 00:54:04,991
And I go, "Yeah,
and maybe just 20 minutes.
1053
00:54:04,992 --> 00:54:07,495
We don't need to do the whole hour,
just kind of..."
1054
00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:11,790
And he goes, "Cool.
Let's get you face down."
1055
00:54:11,791 --> 00:54:14,584
I go, "No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
1056
00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:17,295
Relax, don't talk like that,
like don't say--"
1057
00:54:17,296 --> 00:54:19,465
What am I like this? I'm not doing that.
1058
00:54:20,716 --> 00:54:21,884
I'm not doing that.
1059
00:54:22,802 --> 00:54:25,679
Face down. I know what I mean
when I say that. Don't say that.
1060
00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:31,018
I will go to the table toughly,
1061
00:54:32,144 --> 00:54:35,606
and then I will get in the prone position.
1062
00:54:36,482 --> 00:54:39,735
And he's like, "Yeah, whatever,
that's what I said. Okay."
1063
00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:45,032
Get up and I get down, then I got
the little circle faceplate like this.
1064
00:54:45,992 --> 00:54:48,827
So, I get in there, but don't go to sleep.
1065
00:54:48,828 --> 00:54:51,287
Eyes open. Eyes open.
1066
00:54:51,288 --> 00:54:53,416
What's going on, you know? Pay attention.
1067
00:54:54,041 --> 00:54:56,043
So, not relaxing at all.
1068
00:54:56,669 --> 00:54:58,671
So, he goes like this...
1069
00:54:59,463 --> 00:55:02,215
"Let's start with those calves."
I go, "Don't talk, just go."
1070
00:55:02,216 --> 00:55:04,510
[laughter]
1071
00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:08,055
[makes grinding noises]
Something like this.
1072
00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:11,307
Then I'm like, "All right, move it along.
Move it along, guy."
1073
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:14,061
Like, how much time
do I need on my calves?
1074
00:55:14,562 --> 00:55:17,772
I don't even know if I have any muscles
in my calves, you know what I mean?
1075
00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:20,985
I'm not Flo-Jo going to do
the hurdles tomorrow, I'm just like...
1076
00:55:22,903 --> 00:55:25,405
So, he goes,
"Let's get those hamstrings."
1077
00:55:25,406 --> 00:55:28,617
Don't whisper. Don't whisper.
1078
00:55:30,870 --> 00:55:33,663
Just do it. So, he goes... [grunts]
1079
00:55:33,664 --> 00:55:36,374
Big hands. [grunts] Noise.
1080
00:55:36,375 --> 00:55:38,169
[grunts] And I'm like this.
1081
00:55:39,837 --> 00:55:43,257
[grunts] Like, moving me
all over the table like a rag doll.
1082
00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:48,261
And then he bumps me ball bag three times.
1083
00:55:48,262 --> 00:55:50,555
Boof-boo-boo. I'm like...
1084
00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:52,849
My balls, he hits them,
do you get what's going on?
1085
00:55:52,850 --> 00:55:55,185
Ram! He goes-- He's going too high.
1086
00:55:55,186 --> 00:55:56,770
"You're too high, back off.
1087
00:55:56,771 --> 00:55:58,605
You're going higher, you're going higher."
1088
00:55:58,606 --> 00:56:00,483
Ball bag, ball bag. I'm like this...
1089
00:56:01,108 --> 00:56:02,942
And then... wha...
1090
00:56:02,943 --> 00:56:05,153
"By the way,
it's not my leg anymore.
1091
00:56:05,154 --> 00:56:08,698
I don't know what you're thinking.
It's not my leg anymore, you know that.
1092
00:56:08,699 --> 00:56:10,700
You know bodies. Back off."
1093
00:56:10,701 --> 00:56:13,536
"What is it?"
"I don't know, it's not my leg."
1094
00:56:13,537 --> 00:56:16,956
"So, what are you still doing up there,
you know what I mean?"
1095
00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:19,959
And in fairness, I'm thinking,
"Well, when I lay down,
1096
00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:23,797
I don't really know where my balls are,
you know, or my dick.
1097
00:56:23,798 --> 00:56:25,799
I know they're in the room
with me somewhere,
1098
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,218
I just don't know where exactly
'cause I'm kind of rolling around.
1099
00:56:28,219 --> 00:56:30,387
They could be over here, you know?"
1100
00:56:31,055 --> 00:56:33,431
But no, I know they're over here
1101
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:37,936
because he's bashing them,
ramming them with his hammer hand,
1102
00:56:37,937 --> 00:56:41,439
and covering them
with fingerprints and bruises
1103
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:44,692
because he's bashing the shit
out of them for 35 minutes.
1104
00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:47,070
And then I go, "Back up!"
It's like a Roomba.
1105
00:56:47,071 --> 00:56:49,865
"Back up, you hit something, back up."
1106
00:56:50,533 --> 00:56:53,076
Nope. Ram, ram, ram. Smash, smash.
1107
00:56:53,077 --> 00:56:55,996
And I finally, after a hundred,
I go, ah, ah!
1108
00:56:56,664 --> 00:56:59,499
Too much, too much. Tingles, tingles.
1109
00:56:59,500 --> 00:57:02,335
Feels weird, it's weird,
it's a weird feeling.
1110
00:57:02,336 --> 00:57:04,213
And I jump off and he goes,
1111
00:57:05,339 --> 00:57:07,841
"Oh, wait, sir, are you gay?"
1112
00:57:07,842 --> 00:57:10,385
I go... "Am I?"
1113
00:57:10,386 --> 00:57:12,346
[laughter]
1114
00:57:15,766 --> 00:57:18,561
It was the awkwardest stalemate,
we're like...
1115
00:57:19,687 --> 00:57:23,106
We both don't know which guy's gay,
you know? We're both like--
1116
00:57:23,107 --> 00:57:24,608
Spider-Man, like...
1117
00:57:25,317 --> 00:57:27,153
[laughter]
1118
00:57:27,862 --> 00:57:29,613
So I just stood there like this...
1119
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,074
Awkward, weird.
1120
00:57:33,075 --> 00:57:36,162
And then he goes, "I think I'm gonna
take off." I go, "Okay, yeah."
1121
00:57:37,830 --> 00:57:41,250
So, he takes off. Now it's just me.
1122
00:57:42,543 --> 00:57:47,840
Little Spader, I'm just standing there
awkwardly in the dark...
1123
00:57:49,717 --> 00:57:51,343
covered in oil...
1124
00:57:52,761 --> 00:57:54,054
fully naked
1125
00:57:54,555 --> 00:57:55,847
with a boner.
1126
00:57:55,848 --> 00:57:57,765
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
1127
00:57:57,766 --> 00:57:59,351
Hey, maybe it was me!
1128
00:58:00,186 --> 00:58:02,395
You guys, thank you
for coming down to see me.
1129
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:05,231
{\an8}I love it. And bye-bye.
1130
00:58:05,232 --> 00:58:06,482
{\an8}See you next time.
1131
00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:09,068
{\an8}[rock music playing]
1132
00:58:09,069 --> 00:58:10,821
{\an8}[cheers and applause]