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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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- [rock music playing]
- [audience cheering and applauding]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[announcer] Please welcome
Chelsea Handler.
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[cheering and applause continues]
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Oh my God!
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Oh, hello, New Jersey.
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Welcome!
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[cheering and applause continues]
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I'm just trying to identify
my homosexual guests in the crowd tonight.
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- I don't...
- [cheering]
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Hello, hello.
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The men? Okay, yeah.
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You're straight, sir.
I can tell by your outfit.
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But you are gay.
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Thank you and welcome.
Thank you for being here.
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Where are the other homosexuals?
Have you already been segregated? What--
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[cheering]
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Okay, thank you, thank you. I have so...
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I have my entire career to thank
to homosexual men and women.
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Thank you.
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[cheering and applause]
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And I also wanna shout out
homosexual men specifically
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for all of the contributions
that you guys have made to society
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that go unnoticed and underappreciated.
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Do you guys remember
when monkeypox came on the scene?
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[audience laughing]
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No, you fucking don't. You know why?
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Because every gay man went
and got vaccinated inside of 30 days
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so that the rest of us straight people
never had to deal with monkeypox.
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[cheering and applause]
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That's what they did for our communities.
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I was excited
when monkeypox came on the scene.
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I was excited about a new pandemic.
New parameters, new rules.
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[audience laughing]
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I remember the CDC was...
was on TV one morning,
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saying the two ways
to avoid contracting monkeypox
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were to by A, avoid anal penetration.
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As if it just sneaks up on you
at the bank.
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[audience laughing]
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"Oh, whoopsie! Oh-hoo-hoo!"
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[audience laughs]
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Or B, avoid sharing a towel.
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- [Chelsea chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
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First of all, if you're doing anal,
you're sharing a fucking towel, assholes.
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- [audience laughing]
- But we didn't have to deal with that.
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I didn't have to deal
with finding out about monkeypox
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because of what gay men did
for this country.
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They are patriots, and I am so appre...
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That's... They got rid
of monkeypox so quickly
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that I realized I was missing out...
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[audience laughing]
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...on anal penetration.
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I was like, "If these guys are so excited
to get back to something, I wanna try it."
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And guess what? Anal penetration
isn't just for homosexual men anymore.
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It's trending,
and you might wanna give it a whirl.
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[audience laughs]
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It can be a big pill to swallow
in the beginning, but you never know.
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[audience laughs]
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And my hope here tonight is for couples
who have been together for a long time...
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Have you guys ever done anal?
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- [audience laughing]
- Okay.
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So my hope here for tonight
is for newer couples, older couples,
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to go home, look at each other, and think,
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"Let's try anal
and think of Chelsea Handler."
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I want that to happen.
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[scattered cheering and applause]
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For people who are first-timers
and you're not with someone,
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but you're also looking
to get anally penetrated tonight,
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I want you to have a strategy, okay?
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You have to pick a medium-to-small male.
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[audience laughing]
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Can't do that with 50 Cent.
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- Mm-mm.
- [surprised laughter]
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Jo Koy maybe, but not 50 Cent.
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- [surprised laughter]
- [scattered cheering and applause]
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The other upside
to anal penetration... [laughs]
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[audience laughing]
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...is that there is a 90% chance
you will not get pregnant,
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and I love those odds.
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[audience laughing]
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I have a friend who's always like,
"Chelsea, you're not gonna have a baby?"
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"You're gonna die alone."
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I hope so.
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[audience laughs]
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What, you think I wanna drag a bunch
of innocent children down with me?
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My baby's on my deathbed
being like, "Mommy, don't go!"
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As soon as I get diagnosed
with any mild disease,
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I'm gonna have my favorite drug dealer
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put me down in the back of a barn
like a fuckin' horse, okay?
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[scattered applause]
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I'm not trying to stick around any longer.
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[audience chuckling]
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People think I hate children.
I don't hate children. I don't.
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If you want one, go get one, you know?
Good luck with that.
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I don't care. I just don't want them
so close by me, you know, all the time.
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The real reason I don't want children
is not because I hate them.
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It's just because I found the whole thesis
of childhood so insulting. Like...
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I was so annoyed when I was born.
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- I remember being born.
- [audience laughing]
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I remember being in that hospital room,
shooting out of my mother's Pikachu.
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And I remember
these bright lights everywhere
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and then someone smacking me on the ass,
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and just thinking,
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
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[audience laughs]
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And then I came home to my "family,"
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and there were already, like,
five other kids there.
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And I remember looking at my parents like,
"Who the fuck is in charge around here?"
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"Do I have a dowry?"
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"Like, how the fuck am I going
to upwardly mobilize out of this shit?"
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[audience laughs]
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I had a problem right away, you know.
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I grew up watching The Brady Bunch,
like I'm sure many of you, right?
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With the six kids
and the mother and the father
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and then the housekeeper, Alice.
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I was like, "Where the fuck is our Alice?"
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[audience laughing]
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I couldn't stand my family.
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I couldn't stand my father.
He was an asshole.
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I knew that right away.
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And I was like... I was in this baby body,
but I felt like a woman, you know?
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- [audience laughing]
- I felt womanly.
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Like I wanted to start a business.
Catering or something, you know?
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[audience laughing]
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And my dad and I would just go at it
from a very early age.
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So we're not on the same page at all.
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And then,
when I was around seven years old,
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he's like, "We have to take her
to Disney World or something,
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so that she can see
how other children behave, you know."
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"Something's missing.
Something's wrong with her."
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And so my parents decided
to take us all to Disney World
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when I was seven years old,
which meant we were gonna take...
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My dad was a used car dealer,
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so that meant we were gonna drive
from New Jersey to Florida
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in my dad's blue and white molester van.
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[audience laughing]
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With no motel or hotel reservations.
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My dad didn't ever think about
anything like that.
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He would just pull over at whatever
Econo Lodge or Amber alert hotel he found.
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And we'd pull into, like,
a Holiday Inn Express,
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and it would say in big neon lettering,
"No vacancies."
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And my dad would pop out
of the car enthusiastic.
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Then I would pop out of the car after him,
like, "Hey, Stevie Wonder."
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"Did you see the fuckin' sign?"
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[audience laughing]
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"You dumbass."
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[audience laughs]
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I couldn't believe
the incompetence of my parents.
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Then we got to Disney World.
That's a farce too.
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Just a bunch of grown men
dressed like mice.
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Are you kidding me?
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[audience laughs]
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Even at seven, I was looking for a bar.
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[audience laughing]
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The most intriguing thing
I saw at Disney World
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was there was
this other seven-year-old boy.
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Girls and boys age at different paces,
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so he may as well have been
two months old.
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[audience laughing]
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And he was face down on the cement
at Disney World,
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and he was kicking and screaming,
and he was throwing a tantrum.
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And I remember the feeling I had.
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I remember looking at him,
and I was envious.
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I was like, "Oh."
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- "Are we allowed to do that? Like..."
- [audience laughing]
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"That's how I feel," you know.
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And I came home from that trip
after I saw that kid throw a tantrum.
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I was like, "Hmm,
I'm more interested in that."
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And then I went
to kindergarten or first grade,
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whatever you're in when you're seven.
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And then there was this boy, Aaron.
He was on the playground.
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I came back from that trip and saw him
in the corner of the playground.
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And he was, like, sitting
in the corner of the playground going,
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"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."
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"Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."
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And Mrs. Keenan, our teacher,
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was standing across from him
and very sweet about it.
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Like, she was very understanding.
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And I walked over. I was like,
"What is going on over here, Mrs. Keenan?"
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You know? "Why is Aaron
allowed to speak like that?"
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And she said,
"Oh, Aaron has Tourette's syndrome."
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And I was like,
"I would also like to get that."
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[audience laughing]
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And you have to understand,
my dad was so against me.
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He made me read Anna Karenina by Tolstoy
when I was fucking seven,
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'cause he thought
that would keep me out of trouble.
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That woman kills herself
by jumping in front of a train
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because she doesn't have a boyfriend,
you know?
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[audience laughing]
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He made me read Moby-Dick,
which is 1,300 pages,
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when I was seven years old,
and I had to give a book report.
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I would go in to school, and they would be
like, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall."
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And I'd be like,
"Which one, China or Berlin?" Like...
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[audience laughing]
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I'd come home to my father.
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I'm like, "You have to dumb it down.
I can't relate to my fucking colleagues."
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[audience laughing]
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I went to the library,
got a book about Tourette's.
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I read that in fucking 30 seconds.
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I was like, "I like all of these points."
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I came home that day.
I was like, "I have Tourette Syndrome."
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And I waited. I waited.
I sat at the dinner table.
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My mom and my dad would come home
from his non-"job" of selling used cars
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that were all in our fuckin' driveway.
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And my dad came home,
and I could not wait.
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I was sitting on the edge of my seat.
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I sat at the dinner table waiting
for, like, 40 minutes.
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I was like... [groans]
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Practicing all my new words.
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- [audience laughing]
- And then my dad sat down across from me.
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I'm like, "Fuck you, pussy motherfucker,
ass, cock. You suck! You suck cock!"
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[trills lips]
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And then I threw in a hard double squint.
I went... [grunts]
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Like, "I picked up a tic, too,
so back the fuck up, asshole."
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00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:04,562
[audience laughing]
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I slept like a baby that night.
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[audience laughing]
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Then, when I was eight years old,
I broke my arm.
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This was a pivotal moment in my life.
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We had a summer house
on Martha's Vineyard.
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I know that makes us sound wealthy.
We weren't.
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I don't know how my dad got that house.
I'm sure he stole it from somebody.
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[audience laughing]
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But I broke my arm, and I was outside.
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I tripped over our dog,
whose name was Muttley.
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And when I broke my arm,
I saw my bone coming out of my...
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My elbow bone was outside of my arm.
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And my brother Glen came
and scooped me up.
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He's like, "Oh my God, are you okay?"
And I'm like, "I don't think so."
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"You know, like, this is...
I'm, like... I don't even know."
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"Do they have insurance?
Like, what do we do next?"
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[audience laughs]
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And he picked me up
and brought me up to my parents.
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My father looked at the bone coming out
of my arm and said, "We should ice it."
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[audience laughing]
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00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,538
And I remember just...
I had had it, you know? I had had it.
237
00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:07,248
I was eight. I was like, "Are you..."
238
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:11,252
"I don't have time
for these kinds of shenanigans, okay?"
239
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:14,005
I looked at my mother,
and I looked at my father, and I said,
240
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:16,966
"Who the fuck is in charge around here?"
241
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:19,678
"The two of you are like an ashtray
on a motorcycle."
242
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,639
"I have to go to a hospital now."
243
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:23,932
[audience laughing]
244
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,976
And I went to the hospital
with my brother Glen,
245
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,396
and I got a cast, and this was exciting.
246
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,649
'Cause then I had something physical
to threaten people with.
247
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,693
The cast started from here
and went to here.
248
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,154
I'd never felt more powerful in my life.
Like a gladiator, you know?
249
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,949
I came home and started to threaten
my brothers and sisters,
250
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,033
who are much older.
251
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,536
But they were humoring me,
but it didn't matter.
252
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,663
I felt dominion. I was like, "Yes."
253
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:51,167
And I remember organizing our dinner table
on Martha's Vineyard one summer night.
254
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:54,629
And I was telling my brother,
"You sit there, and you sit there."
255
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:57,215
And then I told my father,
"You sit facing the wall."
256
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,426
[audience laughing]
257
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,137
"And think about what you've done,"
you know.
258
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:03,139
And then I sat down,
259
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:07,434
and I slammed my cast down,
and it hit the top of my Pikachu.
260
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,686
And I was like, "Ow," you know?
261
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,938
And then it slid down, like,
two more centimeters,
262
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:14,899
and I was like, "Brrrrrr."
263
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,694
- "What is that zone?"
- [audience laughing]
264
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:21,574
And I went up that night and found out
exactly what that zone was.
265
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:25,702
And I came home for the fall. We would
spend the summers on the Vineyard.
266
00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,704
I came home to New Jersey that fall.
267
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:30,665
Now I was like... I was eight years old,
I was about to turn nine,
268
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:33,293
and my best friend, Jodi Repati, said,
269
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:39,174
"We're having a back-to-school sleepover
at my house on Friday night at 7:30."
270
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:43,011
She goes, "Everyone's gonna come over,
and we're all gonna get the feeling."
271
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:46,014
[audience laughing]
272
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:49,226
I didn't know what the feeling was,
but I was like, "I'll fucking find out."
273
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:53,063
"I'm not gonna run with the wrong crew.
I know how to fucking be cool."
274
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:57,651
I walk in,
and there are nine eight-year-old girls
275
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,862
face down in their sleeping bags,
276
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,405
just going like this...
277
00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,492
[audience laughing]
278
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,370
I was like, "Let's fucking go!"
279
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:12,248
[audience laughing]
280
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:14,042
I couldn't get enough of myself.
281
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,795
I showed up at that sleepover at 7:30,
282
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:21,884
and I didn't get up from that position
until 7:30 a.m.,
283
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,094
when Jodi's mom
tapped me on the shoulder and said,
284
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:27,138
"Honey, we're gonna need you to leave."
285
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,556
[audience laughing]
286
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,811
I left that sleepover,
I had rug burns on my forehead.
287
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:36,773
I was so thirsty and dehydrated
from sweating so much into my pajamas.
288
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:39,609
I was like,
"Does anyone have a Capri-Sun, please?"
289
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,445
[audience laughing]
290
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,905
And when you're that young,
291
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:47,408
you're eight or nine years old,
you're masturbating, you're not really--
292
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:50,495
You don't even know what you're doing
is masturbating.
293
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:54,457
You're just like, "This feels amazing.
Like, why didn't anyone tell me about it?"
294
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,251
[scattered laughter]
295
00:13:56,252 --> 00:14:00,213
You're not making direct contact
with your Pikachu, you know?
296
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:03,341
Like, you want a thicker material.
Like, the thicker, the better.
297
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:04,551
You want some traction.
298
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:08,180
You want, like, a corduroy
or a thick denim.
299
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:12,183
Or what's underneath a boat.
A rudder. You want a rudder.
300
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,226
You want, like, a wall.
301
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,145
You see a corner, and you're like,
"I'm gonna fucking get you."
302
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:18,232
[audience laughing]
303
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,693
And when no one says anything to you,
304
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,321
like, "Hey, stop jerking off,
you fucking pig,"
305
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,658
you don't think that anyone even knows
what you're doing.
306
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,868
So I just did it all the time.
307
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,160
[audience laughing]
308
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,496
I'd come home from school.
I had a banana-seat bicycle.
309
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:36,291
- Now we know what those were for.
- [audience laughing]
310
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,625
I had a banana-seat bicycle.
311
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:41,880
I'd go on little... little "errands"
with my fake family that I created,
312
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,632
that I would go and drop off
at lacrosse and volleyball.
313
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,551
I had two fake "children,"
314
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,052
Lucas and Siddiqua.
315
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,429
[audience laughing]
316
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,097
Two different dads, obviously.
317
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,140
[audience laughing]
318
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,809
I would take my banana-seat bicycle,
I would hit a pothole,
319
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,853
and just fuckin' ride it
for, like, 30 minutes.
320
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:57,854
[audience laughing]
321
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,732
My neighbor called my mom,
"Your daughter's been in our pothole
322
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,318
in front of our living room window
for 45 minutes."
323
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,445
[audience laughing]
324
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:08,698
When I got home that night, my mom's like,
"Where have you been?" "Traffic."
325
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,784
[audience laughing]
326
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,871
I'd go into school,
I'd go into math class,
327
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,956
and they had those desks
with the apertures,
328
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,166
the openings on the desk,
329
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,627
and I'd have a Trapper Keeper in the desk
330
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,296
and a ruler in the Trapper Keeper.
331
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,924
And I would take the ruler,
and I could always do one spin.
332
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,509
I'd call it "a spin."
I'm like, "Do I have time for a spin?"
333
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,386
- And I would...
- [audience laughing]
334
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:33,139
I would take the ruler,
and I'd be like, "Brrrrr. You know?
335
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,100
I could do one round and remain alert,
you know? Like...
336
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,185
[audience laughing]
337
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:40,396
I wouldn't start sweating.
I'd be like, "Yeah." Like...
338
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:42,899
[scattered laughter]
339
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,652
So I'd always do one.
I would be like... [groans]
340
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,070
And then I'd put the ruler away.
341
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:51,074
And masturbating as a young person
is just like masturbating as an adult.
342
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,576
You do one round, you climax,
343
00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:56,704
and you're like, "Ugh, you're disgusting.
Get away from me."
344
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:59,375
- [audience laughing]
- "Don't fucking touch me again."
345
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:03,086
And then 30 minutes later,
you're like, "One more time!"
346
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,253
[audience laughing]
347
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:06,381
So I would do it,
I would think I'd be done,
348
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,717
but I couldn't resist myself.
I couldn't get enough.
349
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:12,679
So I would take the ruler back out,
and then completely lose my shit,
350
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,055
you know, during the class.
351
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,891
By the end of class,
our math teacher would be like,
352
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:20,186
"Seven times seven."
I'd be like, "Forty-nine!"
353
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:21,855
[audience laughing]
354
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,235
So this was a humiliating time in my life
355
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,238
that I didn't even know
what was happening.
356
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:32,740
And then we had Thanksgiving dinner
with my family,
357
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:36,619
which means my six brothers and sisters,
myself included,
358
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,289
my mother and my father
and my grandparents.
359
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,499
If you're the youngest of six children,
360
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:45,004
you understand
that nobody really respects you, you know?
361
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,965
They didn't respect my opinion
on international or global politics
362
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,175
or anything that was going on
in the world.
363
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:53,846
And Thanksgiving is typically
pretty fucking boring.
364
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:57,598
So I grabbed a ladle from the kitchen.
365
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,685
[scattered laughter]
366
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,189
[audience laughing]
367
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:08,067
And I thought, "I hope
I don't have to use this," you know?
368
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:08,985
[audience laughing]
369
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,029
"I hope that you don't reduce me
370
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,782
to using a ladle
to masturbate at Thanksgiving."
371
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,618
"I hope that you respect
my conversation enough
372
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,370
that I don't have to jerk off, okay,
373
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:22,207
during a fucking holiday
we know nothing about."
374
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,585
So I go,
and I sit down at the dinner table,
375
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,130
and I tuck the ladle underneath my thigh.
376
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:33,634
And I do one little spin, and I'm like,
"Okay, you know, remain alert."
377
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,220
"No one knows what's up."
378
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,140
And I don't know what happened after that.
379
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:41,851
I don't know if I blacked out, or...
380
00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:43,102
[audience laughing]
381
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:44,562
...I lost the plot,
382
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:48,984
but all I remember waking up to
is hearing my mother's voice.
383
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,111
And my mother was very sweet and European
384
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,198
and very much the opposite of what I am.
385
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,199
[audience laughs]
386
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,659
And she said, "Chelsea."
387
00:17:58,285 --> 00:17:59,286
"Chelsea."
388
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,746
"We need you to open your eyes."
389
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,582
[audience laughing]
390
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,834
And in that moment, I'm like, "Oh my God."
391
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:10,338
[spluttering]
"It's over, it's over, it's over."
392
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:13,299
And I kick the ladle
to the bottom of the floor, you know.
393
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,593
I was like, "Get away from me,
you fucking rapist."
394
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,470
[audience laughing]
395
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,263
And I open my eyes,
396
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,099
and I see my whole family,
397
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,517
and their heads are bowed,
398
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,687
and, like, they're all looking down
in, you know, shame.
399
00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:29,691
And my grandfather
is rubbing my father's back, like,
400
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:33,152
"So sorry about
your little whore daughter."
401
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,614
[audience laughing]
402
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,410
And I look at my mom, said, "Sweetie,
that's something that you wanna do
403
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:45,123
in the privacy of your own room."
404
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,417
And I'm like, "Bwuhhh!"
405
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,294
"Stop talking!"
406
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,673
And my brother Roy stood up and goes,
"She does it all the time!"
407
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,716
[audience laughing]
408
00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:58,302
The most humiliating day of my life.
409
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,846
I did not masturbate,
410
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:03,349
I did not touch my own vagina
from the age of nine to 40.
411
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,809
[audience laughing]
412
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,436
Nine to 40.
Even with tampons, I had an applicator.
413
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,564
"You stay away from me.
You're fucking trouble."
414
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,442
[audience laughing]
415
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,571
And then, when I was ten years old,
416
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:19,657
my mom told us
we were going on an airplane ride
417
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,368
from New Jersey to California
to visit my grandparents.
418
00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:24,912
I grew up watching Love Boat.
I thought, "Love Boat, airplanes."
419
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,207
Everything's so romanticized.
I couldn't wait to be on an airplane.
420
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,378
I had a little Smurfette briefcase.
I had kitten heels on.
421
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:36,215
And I was flying with my two sisters
to California from New Jersey.
422
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:39,720
And we board the plane,
and I walked past the first-class section.
423
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:43,015
And I stop, and I'm like... [sniffing]
424
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,349
"This seems like my group."
425
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,643
[audience laughing]
426
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:50,438
My mom's like, "This is not your group.
Go to the back of the..."
427
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,190
"Go to the back of the plane."
428
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,234
Then she slowly explained to me
that we had six children in our family,
429
00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:58,488
and we will never ever
be able to afford to fly first class.
430
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,365
And I was like,
"Speak for yourself, bitch."
431
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,451
[audience laughing]
432
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:07,830
I came back from that trip more motivated
than I have ever been in my entire life.
433
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,125
- I was like, "Fuck this family."
- [applause]
434
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,170
I'm like, "Obviously,
you guys raised me, you know,
435
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,922
but I have to split ties
with these people."
436
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:19,258
"If they're okay flying coach,
we're not on the same page."
437
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:21,761
I was only ten. We were going
to Martha's Vineyard for summer.
438
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,055
I was like,
"What can I do as a working woman?"
439
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,556
"How do I start a business?"
440
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:28,768
I felt very entrepreneurial,
but I had no real ideas.
441
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,854
So I was like, "Okay, maybe I'll start,
like, a lemonade stand,"
442
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,981
but there's not enough of a profit margin.
443
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:37,318
So I decided to open up
a hard lemonade stand as a ten-year-old.
444
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,946
I'm like, "I'll serve gin,
whiskey, and tequila."
445
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:42,990
"I just need someone to open up
the lemonade stand with me."
446
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:45,660
My sister at the time was
a recovering Mormon, so she was out.
447
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:49,080
I was like, "Get the fuck away from me.
We're not on the same page either."
448
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,791
And I went around the neighborhood
on Martha's Vineyard,
449
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,543
and I canvassed the neighborhood.
450
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,129
And I'd walk up to every rental house
and be like,
451
00:20:57,130 --> 00:21:00,716
"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler.
I'm ten years old."
452
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:04,887
"I'm opening up a lemonade stand,
and I need a business partner."
453
00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:08,267
"Do you have any other ten-year-olds
that I can play with?"
454
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:13,438
And then this family said, "Yes, we have
a ten-year-old. His name is Nelson."
455
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:19,361
They sent Nelson down the stairs,
and I started grooming Nelson right away.
456
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:23,656
"Nelson, do you know how to make
a fucking whiskey and soda? Let's go."
457
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,242
Nelson and I made $79
458
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:29,996
on our first day as two ten-year-olds
with a hard lemonade stand.
459
00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:31,956
$79 was a big deal.
460
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:34,417
[cheering and applause]
461
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:35,501
It was a big deal.
462
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:40,924
By the end of that first week,
we made $359
463
00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:44,802
selling hard lemonade to parents
and anyone over ten.
464
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,722
- Like, obviously, I had guidelines.
- [audience laughing]
465
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:52,101
$359 as two ten-year-olds?
I was... I couldn't believe it.
466
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,729
I would count my money.
I would smell it. I was like, "Oh!"
467
00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:56,188
And then I had a cigar box,
468
00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:59,984
and I would tape it shut just so my dad
couldn't steal it from me, you know?
469
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:03,112
And at the end of the week,
when I made that $359,
470
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:04,780
I gave Nelson his commission,
471
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:07,450
which was $3.59.
472
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:08,994
[audience laughing]
473
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:10,954
He was over the moon.
474
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:14,707
I was like, "Stick with me, Nelson.
I will show you the way."
475
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,251
[audience laughs]
476
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:21,714
He's like, "This is more money
than if I lost three teeth in one week."
477
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,132
[audience laughing]
478
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:26,010
I realized then, I was too mature
for these other ten-year-olds.
479
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:29,221
Like, "I have too much womanhood in me.
I have to go out on my own."
480
00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:32,016
And plus, my body was coming in together.
481
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:33,768
And my boob buds were bursting, you know?
482
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:36,520
And I knew it was time
to get my body off the streets.
483
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:38,105
[audience laughing]
484
00:22:38,106 --> 00:22:41,317
And I was like, "What else can I do?
What else can I do?"
485
00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:42,693
"Oh, I could babysit."
486
00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:44,820
There are no parameters
around babysitting.
487
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:47,656
Nobody... You can be ten
and babysit for a four-year-old.
488
00:22:47,657 --> 00:22:48,867
Nobody gives a shit.
489
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:51,410
So I decided to change businesses,
490
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:54,246
and I called every hotel
in Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard,
491
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:56,999
and I said,
"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler."
492
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,336
"I know I was ten a few weeks ago.
I'm fifteen now."
493
00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:01,253
[audience laughing]
494
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:04,965
"And I can babysit
for up to three children at one time
495
00:23:04,966 --> 00:23:08,886
for any of your last-minute guests
who need babysitting plans."
496
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:12,723
"Please send them my way.
I'm very, very experienced."
497
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,809
I spent that summer
498
00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:17,186
babysitting for a 14-year-old boy.
499
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,272
[audience laughing]
500
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,112
Jeremy.
501
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,196
Jeremy was on the spectrum.
502
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:29,115
It was before everybody knew
about the spectrum.
503
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:32,201
I knew something was up with Jeremy,
you know? I connected with him.
504
00:23:32,202 --> 00:23:33,911
His parents wanted nothing to do with him.
505
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:36,832
I'm like, "I'll deal with Jeremy, okay?
You guys go out."
506
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:42,294
So I had Jeremy,
and then my business started to catch on,
507
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:43,838
and then I got three other clients.
508
00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:48,300
I would babysit for these three girls
from Brookline, Massachusetts.
509
00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:52,388
These three sisters. I would babysit
for them from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.
510
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,974
And then I had a reprieve, I had a break,
511
00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:57,852
until I had to deal with Jeremy
every night at six.
512
00:23:57,853 --> 00:23:59,562
And so, during that time off,
513
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:04,525
as I was getting very involved
in my own business as an 11-year-old,
514
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:08,112
I was getting very confident.
I was like, "Oh, it's female empowerment."
515
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,865
I started a business.
I'm making money. I need a break.
516
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:13,952
I'd go into this deli every day
517
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:18,372
on Main Street in Edgartown,
and I'd get a bagel with butter,
518
00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:20,709
a Twix bar, and a Sprite.
519
00:24:21,209 --> 00:24:23,836
And I would take a bite, a bite,
and a sip.
520
00:24:23,837 --> 00:24:26,881
And it was like a phantasmagoria,
you know, of excellence.
521
00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:29,049
I was like, "This is what...
Fuck the feeling."
522
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:31,677
"This is what business owners
are doing, you know?"
523
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:35,098
Taking lunch breaks by themselves
'cause they're so tired.
524
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,350
When I'd go into this delicatessen,
525
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:40,519
there was this girl
that worked behind the deli,
526
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,605
and her name was Martha McIntosh.
527
00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:46,484
And I want you to picture
Amy Winehouse as an 11-year-old.
528
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:48,027
[audience laughing]
529
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:51,071
She had, like, the big beehive
and the thick, black eyeliner,
530
00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:53,282
and I was attracted to her right away.
531
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,869
I knew that she had seen things
that I also wanted to see.
532
00:24:56,870 --> 00:25:00,498
And I had never met anyone
that was faster than me. I was like, "Oh."
533
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:03,584
So I'd go in there every day
and make googly eyes at Martha.
534
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:07,129
And then finally, one day,
she asked me to come back to her house.
535
00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:10,257
"Do you want to come back to my house
after my shift today?"
536
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:12,426
- And I was like, "Definitely."
- [audience laughs]
537
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:14,803
And I went back
to Martha McIntosh's house,
538
00:25:14,804 --> 00:25:19,099
and we walked by her parents, who were
outside on the porch smoking a joint.
539
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:22,561
I'm like, "This is exactly
the kind of parenting I was looking for."
540
00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:24,397
[audience laughing]
541
00:25:25,232 --> 00:25:28,150
And then we went into her room,
and she hands me a Corona.
542
00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:29,985
And she says, "Do you drink?"
543
00:25:29,986 --> 00:25:31,362
I'm like, "Yes."
544
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:32,655
[audience laughing]
545
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:35,115
"I'm 11. Let's go, you know?"
546
00:25:35,116 --> 00:25:38,202
And the next day, I went over there,
and she hands me a cigarette.
547
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,287
A Camel Light cigarette.
548
00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:41,789
She hands me my Corona.
549
00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:43,249
I'm drinking the Corona.
550
00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:45,377
She hands me the Camel Light cigarette.
551
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:47,586
She goes, "Do you smoke?"
552
00:25:47,587 --> 00:25:48,755
I'm like... [scoffs]
553
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:53,050
"Martha, ever since the day I was born
into that fucking hospital room,
554
00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:56,303
I have been dying for someone
to offer me a fuckin' cigarette."
555
00:25:56,304 --> 00:25:59,014
"Yes, I smoke. Let's go, okay?"
556
00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,058
"What else do you have up your sleeve?"
557
00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:02,101
[audience laughing]
558
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:03,477
So I started going to Martha's
559
00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:05,688
every single day
in between my shifts, you know?
560
00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:08,899
I was exhausted
from being a child laborer, and...
561
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:10,359
[audience laughing]
562
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,030
I go to Martha's house,
and then on the Friday of the first week,
563
00:26:14,864 --> 00:26:18,409
I'm sitting there. I'm smoking my Camel.
I'm drinking my Corona.
564
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:20,953
I feel finally alive
for the first time in my life.
565
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:23,622
I'm like, "Finally, you know?
I have an ally."
566
00:26:23,623 --> 00:26:24,707
[audience laughing]
567
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:28,878
And then she said, "Hey, do you wanna go
into my closet and take your pants down?"
568
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,423
And I was like, "Definitely."
Like, "What's next?"
569
00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:33,674
[audience laughing]
570
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:36,302
And we go into Martha McIntosh's closet.
571
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:37,761
I pull my pants down,
572
00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:40,723
and she goes down on me
for, like, 15 minutes.
573
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,934
And I could not believe my good fortune.
574
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:45,394
[audience laughing]
575
00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:46,729
I was like, "Oh my God."
576
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:50,608
I'm sitting there, drinking my Corona,
smoking my cigarette.
577
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,568
I felt like Matthew McConaughey.
578
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:55,362
I was like,
"All right, all right, all right."
579
00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:57,573
- [audience laughing]
- Oh!
580
00:26:57,574 --> 00:27:00,034
I loved Martha. We were so close.
581
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:02,411
[audience laughing]
582
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:05,080
You know? And I went there every day.
583
00:27:05,081 --> 00:27:07,333
She'd go down on me. It was amazing.
584
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:09,918
I'd come home, and my sister,
the virgin one, would be like,
585
00:27:09,919 --> 00:27:13,464
"Every time you come home
from Martha Mcintosh's house,
586
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:16,717
you smell like alcohol and cigarettes."
587
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:19,011
"Who knows what's going on over there?"
588
00:27:19,012 --> 00:27:22,890
I'm like, "Oh, you'll never know
what's going on over there."
589
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:24,267
[audience laughing]
590
00:27:25,143 --> 00:27:26,769
And then she told my father.
591
00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:30,022
She's like, "Every time Chelsea comes home
from Martha McIntosh's house,
592
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,316
she smells like alcohol and cigarettes."
593
00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:34,818
And my dad's like,
"Well, she seems a lot happier."
594
00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:37,614
[audience laughing]
595
00:27:41,409 --> 00:27:45,245
And then it was the end of the summer.
I went to Martha's every day, obviously.
596
00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:48,707
And it was the end of the summer,
and we were in her closet,
597
00:27:48,708 --> 00:27:50,000
and she's going down on me.
598
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,379
And then I'm finishing my drink
and my cigarette,
599
00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:55,673
and she pops her head up
600
00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:58,301
and said,
"Okay, you know, it's your turn."
601
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:05,849
[audience laughing]
602
00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:06,934
And I looked around.
603
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:09,436
I'm like, "Is someone else here?
Who are you talking to?"
604
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:11,522
- [audience laughing]
- "What?"
605
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,733
And I realized what was happening.
The exchange that was happening.
606
00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:17,152
And I had a decision to make that day.
607
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:19,446
So I put my cigarette out.
I pulled my pants up.
608
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:23,409
I said, "It was nice to meet you, Martha.
Good luck with everything."
609
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:25,244
[applause]
610
00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:27,705
"It's never gonna be my fucking turn."
611
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,791
[audience laughing]
612
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:34,586
And that felt cold. It was my first lover,
and I had to leave her like that.
613
00:28:34,587 --> 00:28:35,754
[audience laughing]
614
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:37,924
Because she wanted reciprocity, you know?
615
00:28:38,425 --> 00:28:41,969
I remember leaving for that fall,
going back to New Jersey.
616
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:43,762
I thought about her
as being my first lover.
617
00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:46,682
I was like, "I hope she's okay.
I hope she doesn't kill herself."
618
00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:49,309
[audience laughing]
619
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:51,437
And when I came back
the next summer, I was 12,
620
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:55,274
and I went straight to the delicatessen,
as a responsible ex-lover would,
621
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:58,444
to check on my first lover
and see if she was okay.
622
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:01,447
And I saw her across the room
behind the delicatessen...
623
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:02,949
whatever that is called.
624
00:29:04,826 --> 00:29:05,909
Meat slicer.
625
00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:07,703
[audience laughing]
626
00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:11,290
And I saw that she had had
braces installed over the winter break.
627
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:13,918
[audience laughing]
628
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:19,214
And I thought, "Somebody got out of there
just in the nick of time."
629
00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:21,383
[audience laughing]
630
00:29:21,384 --> 00:29:22,802
"No, thank you."
631
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:26,597
But the relationship
in combination with my business,
632
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:28,223
I felt, like, womanly, you know?
633
00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:30,476
I was only 13 years old now.
634
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:32,227
I was 12, and then 13 the next summer.
635
00:29:32,228 --> 00:29:36,231
I could focus. I didn't have a lover,
so I could focus on my business.
636
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:40,444
I saved over, like, $7,800
by the time I was 13.
637
00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:43,655
And so I came home as a 13-year-old girl,
638
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:47,243
and my mom announced
that we were flying to California again,
639
00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:50,037
to visit my grandparents this time.
640
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:52,290
This time, my dad...
my grandfather was sick.
641
00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:56,377
And this time, I was traveling
with my two idiot brothers, Glen and Roy.
642
00:29:57,879 --> 00:30:00,297
And I said, "Mom, don't worry
about my ticket, okay?"
643
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:01,882
"I'll handle it this time."
644
00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:03,968
[audience laughing]
645
00:30:06,596 --> 00:30:09,306
I went down the street
to a travel agent that lived on our street
646
00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:11,850
and bought myself
my own first-class ticket.
647
00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:14,771
[cheering and applause]
648
00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:21,693
[man] Ballin'!
649
00:30:21,694 --> 00:30:23,529
[audience laughs]
650
00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:26,950
And I didn't tell anyone
because I could not fucking wait
651
00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:31,328
to see the looks on my brothers' faces.
652
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:34,122
It was like Christmas morning for three...
653
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:38,085
I could not wait to see
the expressions on their faces.
654
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:39,878
And we boarded the plane,
655
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:42,297
and I had my seat and found my...
656
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:44,341
I had a new briefcase this time.
657
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:46,426
And I had my kitten heels on, you know,
658
00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:49,221
and I popped my little briefcase
in the overhead bin,
659
00:30:49,222 --> 00:30:51,306
found my seat, 2C,
660
00:30:51,307 --> 00:30:53,433
sat down,
looked at my brothers Roy and Glen,
661
00:30:53,434 --> 00:30:56,019
and said, "See you cunts
at the end of the flight."
662
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:58,272
[audience laughing]
663
00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,400
[scattered cheering and applause]
664
00:31:02,068 --> 00:31:03,402
It was so glorious.
665
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:04,611
[audience laughing]
666
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:08,031
And then, like, an hour into the flight,
my brothers come up from the...
667
00:31:08,032 --> 00:31:09,324
to the first-class cabin.
668
00:31:09,325 --> 00:31:11,618
I don't know how
they got through that curtain.
669
00:31:11,619 --> 00:31:13,120
[audience laughing]
670
00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:16,040
But I'm sitting there drinking champagne,
you know, celebrating.
671
00:31:16,541 --> 00:31:18,792
And all of a sudden,
I see their two faces,
672
00:31:18,793 --> 00:31:21,587
and they're both
standing there like idiots.
673
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:25,341
And they go, "You can't do that, Chelsea."
I go, "What? I can't do what?"
674
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:29,762
"You can't buy a first-class ticket
and not give it to Mom or one of us."
675
00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:33,807
- I said, "I'm sorry, how old are you two?"
- [audience laughs]
676
00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:36,435
And my brother Glen said, "I'm 23."
677
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:38,353
[audience laughing]
678
00:31:38,354 --> 00:31:40,690
And my brother Roy's like, "I'm 24."
679
00:31:41,482 --> 00:31:45,652
And I'm like, "So, collectively,
you guys are 47 years old,
680
00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:50,324
and I've gotten more pussy
than the two of you put together."
681
00:31:50,325 --> 00:31:51,658
[laughter and cheering]
682
00:31:51,659 --> 00:31:55,329
"Get to the back of the fuckin' plane,
and I will see you when we land."
683
00:31:55,330 --> 00:31:56,831
[audience laughing]
684
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,668
And that's why I don't have a daughter.
685
00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:04,963
[audience laughing]
686
00:32:04,964 --> 00:32:07,090
So I don't have some horny 11-year-old
687
00:32:07,091 --> 00:32:10,052
that needs to get eaten out
every 15 minutes
688
00:32:10,053 --> 00:32:12,137
and then demands to fly first class.
689
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,932
- I don't fuckin' need that shit.
- [audience laughing]
690
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:18,810
No dog that you rescue is ever
gonna make you go to therapy with them
691
00:32:18,811 --> 00:32:20,771
or call you on your shit.
692
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:22,397
And if you... If your dogs...
693
00:32:22,398 --> 00:32:24,524
I have a very active drug life.
694
00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:25,525
If...
695
00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:27,945
[audience laughing]
696
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:31,490
If I had children
and my children get into my drug drawer,
697
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,492
that's a pretty big deal.
698
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:35,953
If you have dogs
and they get into your drug drawer,
699
00:32:35,954 --> 00:32:37,412
it's less of a big deal.
700
00:32:37,413 --> 00:32:39,414
- [audience laughing]
- They'll survive.
701
00:32:39,415 --> 00:32:42,793
And whatever the worst thing
you could do to a dog related to drugs
702
00:32:42,794 --> 00:32:44,711
is, like, you know what?
703
00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:48,674
"It would've been worse if I never got you
in the first place, so just get over it."
704
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:49,883
[audience laughing]
705
00:32:49,884 --> 00:32:52,469
The last time my two dogs were drugged,
Bert and Bernice,
706
00:32:52,470 --> 00:32:55,515
they're no longer with us,
and not because of drugs, but...
707
00:32:56,349 --> 00:32:59,434
They were the last dogs, set of dogs
that I had that were drugged.
708
00:32:59,435 --> 00:33:02,187
And this was at the outset of Covid.
709
00:33:02,188 --> 00:33:04,898
And my sister Simone, she said--
710
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:07,985
She suggested that we go to Maine
for the summer of Covid.
711
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,570
She said, "Let's go to Maine."
712
00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:13,031
"There's a lot less people there."
713
00:33:13,032 --> 00:33:15,617
"We can rent a big house.
No one will bother us."
714
00:33:15,618 --> 00:33:18,078
"We don't have to subscribe
to six-feet-apart rules,
715
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,288
and it's fuckin' annoying here."
716
00:33:20,289 --> 00:33:21,873
"And we'll just go."
717
00:33:21,874 --> 00:33:25,502
"I'll send you some links to some houses,
and just beware, they're old."
718
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:27,879
"They look like they were built
at the turn of the century."
719
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:31,592
And when I clicked on the link,
I was like, "Wh... Which century?" You know?
720
00:33:32,260 --> 00:33:33,885
"These look like plantation homes."
721
00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:37,180
She's like,
"Well, it's a very Republican area."
722
00:33:37,181 --> 00:33:40,058
"It's actually a Republican enclave
in Maine."
723
00:33:40,059 --> 00:33:42,853
And I was like... [chuckles]
..."Let's fuckin' go."
724
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:44,396
[audience laughing]
725
00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:49,359
Nothing gets my juices flowing more
than disrupting a Republican enclave.
726
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,485
Nothing.
727
00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:51,737
[cheering and applause]
728
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:55,741
I was like, "Let's go. I'll have sex with
all my Black friends and Asian friends."
729
00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:58,869
"We'll do anal on the lawn all day long,
730
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,829
saluting your fuckin' flag."
731
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:02,622
[scattered laughter and cheering]
732
00:34:02,623 --> 00:34:05,125
And at the time, I had a huge impetus.
733
00:34:05,126 --> 00:34:09,087
At the time... This was when Andrew Cuomo
was on the scene, okay?
734
00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:10,630
I wanna take you back to the time
735
00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:12,632
where we were getting yelled
and screamed at
736
00:34:12,633 --> 00:34:14,926
every morning on national television
737
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:19,181
by this angry Italian meatball
submarine sandwich.
738
00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:22,726
Fucking screaming with saliva,
"You wear a mask! You wear a mask!"
739
00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:26,271
I wanted to be his face mask.
I was attracted to him.
740
00:34:26,272 --> 00:34:27,397
I love...
741
00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:31,944
We were so dehydrated for real leadership.
I was like, "I wanna be with him."
742
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:34,781
"I wanna be the First Lady of New York."
743
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:37,407
My virgin sister,
the boring one, was like,
744
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:39,409
"You'll never be
the First Lady of New York."
745
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,620
"You're a liability for any politician."
746
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,872
- I was like...
- [audience laughing]
747
00:34:43,873 --> 00:34:45,791
And everyone was getting a crush on him.
748
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:48,335
Like, all these women were like,
"Cuomo, Cuomo. I love Cuomo."
749
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,921
I was like, "Oh."
I started to feel competitive, you know?
750
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:52,923
Covid brought out the worst in all of us.
751
00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:55,008
I was like,
"I have to get ahead of these people."
752
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:57,219
"I'm a celebrity.
I can figure something out."
753
00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,097
So I called my publicist,
and I said, "Put me on The View."
754
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,181
Uh...
755
00:35:01,182 --> 00:35:03,350
And... and they said, "Okay."
756
00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:06,645
And so I get on The View,
and I'm on a Zoom, 'cause it's Covid.
757
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:09,898
And I'm on a Zoom
with Whoopi and Joy Behar,
758
00:35:09,899 --> 00:35:13,485
and they're asking me about my quarantine,
and I'm like, "Buh, buh, booh."
759
00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:14,444
[audience laughs]
760
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:19,699
And then, at the very end, I said,
"Ladies, I don't wanna get off this call
761
00:35:19,700 --> 00:35:23,120
before I declare
that I would like to be penetrated
762
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:24,871
by the governor of New York."
763
00:35:24,872 --> 00:35:27,083
[laughter and scattered applause]
764
00:35:30,711 --> 00:35:34,631
And Joy Behar's like, "Oh, Chelsea."
I was like, "You shut the fuck up, Joy!"
765
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:35,841
[audience laughing]
766
00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,969
"I don't need any feedback right now."
767
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:42,305
I knew if I put it out there
into the ether, you know? I knew.
768
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:43,807
So I got off the Zoom. I was like--
769
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:45,851
I looked at my dogs.
I said, "Now we wait."
770
00:35:45,852 --> 00:35:48,437
[audience laughing]
771
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:54,402
Three days went by.
772
00:35:55,361 --> 00:35:57,487
Three days, and my phone rang,
773
00:35:57,488 --> 00:35:59,949
but it was an unknown number,
so I don't answer that.
774
00:36:00,449 --> 00:36:01,993
The message was incredible.
775
00:36:03,035 --> 00:36:06,539
The message was...
[imitating Cuomo] "Hello, Ms. Handler."
776
00:36:07,123 --> 00:36:09,457
"This is Andrew Cuomo."
777
00:36:09,458 --> 00:36:12,002
"C-U-O-M-O."
778
00:36:12,003 --> 00:36:17,382
"I heard from a little birdie in a tree
that someone has a crush on me."
779
00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:19,719
[audience laughing]
780
00:36:20,511 --> 00:36:22,971
"I would like to pursue this further."
781
00:36:22,972 --> 00:36:27,393
"My number is 917, la-la-la, la-la-la."
782
00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:29,686
And then he goes, "Ciao."
783
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:30,729
[audience laughs]
784
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:34,107
I was holding my vagina.
I was like, "Oh my God. Oh my God."
785
00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:36,484
I didn't even finish
listening to the message
786
00:36:36,485 --> 00:36:39,613
before I was in my car,
driving to my best girlfriend's house.
787
00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:42,449
And she's inside her window,
I'm outside of her house,
788
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:44,910
because of fucking Covid
and six feet apart.
789
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:47,829
And I'm playing the message on my phone,
790
00:36:47,830 --> 00:36:50,081
like John Cusack in Say Anything...
791
00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:53,335
I'm like, "I'm gonna fuck the governor!"
792
00:36:53,336 --> 00:36:57,255
- "The governor wants to fuck me!"
- [laughter and scattered applause]
793
00:36:57,256 --> 00:37:00,592
"I'm gonna be the First Lady of New York!"
794
00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:02,219
[audience laughing]
795
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,180
Oh, it was amazing.
796
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:07,349
And then he called me,
and we talked for, like, 45 minutes.
797
00:37:07,350 --> 00:37:10,685
I was like, "Oh my God, this is serious."
You know?
798
00:37:10,686 --> 00:37:14,397
And then I floated the idea. "I might be
coming to Maine for the summer,
799
00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:17,109
so maybe I could swing by
the Albany mansion."
800
00:37:17,610 --> 00:37:21,196
"We can have an outdoor Covid-friendly
dinner date slash anal."
801
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:22,530
"Whatever you're into."
802
00:37:22,531 --> 00:37:24,158
[audience laughing]
803
00:37:25,159 --> 00:37:27,202
And he was like,
"I'm very interested in that."
804
00:37:27,203 --> 00:37:28,828
I said, "So how do... What do I do?"
805
00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:31,539
"Do I need to quarantine
before I meet you? Like, what..."
806
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:33,416
He said, "Quarantine schmorantine."
807
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:34,668
[audience laughing]
808
00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:36,586
I was like, "Oh, interesting twist."
809
00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:38,797
[audience laughing]
810
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:43,094
And then once it became real, like I knew
I was probably gonna fuck the governor...
811
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:45,720
Everyone was talking about Nipplegate
at the time.
812
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:48,765
People were talking about whether or not
he had a nipple piercing,
813
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:50,433
which, obviously, I knew he didn't.
814
00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:53,270
He's a straight 64-year-old white male.
815
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:55,690
He doesn't have the guts,
you know, to do that.
816
00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:59,567
But I was curious about his nipples,
and I would zoom in...
817
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:01,278
[audience laughing]
818
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:03,864
...on pictures of him on Instagram.
819
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:07,075
And... and something curious
was going on with his nipples.
820
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:09,494
They were headed
in a very southerly direction.
821
00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:10,954
[audience laughing]
822
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:13,832
And I had never faced a storm
like that before, you know?
823
00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:14,958
My older sister's like,
824
00:38:14,959 --> 00:38:17,168
"Just take it from behind.
It's safer for everybody."
825
00:38:17,169 --> 00:38:20,130
"There's a pandemic. You don't even
have to look at his nipples."
826
00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:22,048
"You have to do this."
I was getting cold feet.
827
00:38:22,049 --> 00:38:24,927
And she's like,
"Are you a fucking patriot or aren't you?"
828
00:38:25,428 --> 00:38:29,598
I'm like, "I am. I wanna be. I wanna be.
It's just a lot to handle."
829
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:34,102
So we rent this house in Maine.
We go to Maine. I start texting him.
830
00:38:34,103 --> 00:38:36,646
I'm with my whole family,
a group of friends.
831
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,440
We have this big house on the water
832
00:38:38,441 --> 00:38:41,693
that was built
in I don't know what time period.
833
00:38:41,694 --> 00:38:43,236
[scattered laughter]
834
00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:47,449
And I start texting him. I send him
pictures of me, like, on a paddleboard.
835
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:49,952
And all of a sudden, he stops responding.
836
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:53,163
And the first couple days,
I was trying to, you know,
837
00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:54,664
convince myself it wasn't over.
838
00:38:54,665 --> 00:38:58,127
I was like, "Oh, no.
He's a governor. He must be very busy."
839
00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:00,962
And then on the third day,
I came downstairs
840
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:02,714
and said to my sisters
Shoshanna and Simone,
841
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:05,884
"Guys, I haven't heard from Andrew Cuomo
since I got to Maine."
842
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:09,554
And my sister, the virgin one,
was like, "I told you. I told you."
843
00:39:09,555 --> 00:39:11,557
"He can't fuck you, okay?"
844
00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:15,727
"Someone in his office caught wind
of this little liaison or dalliance
845
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:17,395
and put the kibosh on it."
846
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,397
"He can't be screaming
at the entire country
847
00:39:19,398 --> 00:39:20,940
to stand six feet apart
848
00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:23,943
and then fuck
one of the loudest people in the world."
849
00:39:23,944 --> 00:39:25,779
"He just can't do that."
850
00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:28,281
And my other sister's like,
"Text him one more time."
851
00:39:28,282 --> 00:39:30,492
[audience laughing]
852
00:39:30,493 --> 00:39:34,704
So the next morning, I'm out.
I'm in a bikini. I'm on a Vespa.
853
00:39:34,705 --> 00:39:37,749
I have a face mask and a helmet on
and sunblock everywhere
854
00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:39,667
just to show him I'm safe, you know?
855
00:39:39,668 --> 00:39:41,294
[audience laughing]
856
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:44,631
At the last minute, I pull my top down,
so I'm topless in a bikini,
857
00:39:44,632 --> 00:39:46,674
and my brother Roy is taking the photo.
858
00:39:46,675 --> 00:39:48,802
[audience laughing]
859
00:39:48,803 --> 00:39:50,804
And my sister Simone
comes out and sees us.
860
00:39:50,805 --> 00:39:54,391
She goes, "Chelsea, what the fuck
are you doing? That is your brother!"
861
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:55,433
[audience laughing]
862
00:39:55,434 --> 00:39:57,644
But at this point, I was so desperate.
863
00:39:57,645 --> 00:40:00,647
I knew I had been rejected by him,
but I was so desperate.
864
00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:05,068
And also, the idea of a topless photo
of Chelsea Handler
865
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:08,947
transmitting through his iPhone,
or Andrew Cuomo's iPad,
866
00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:12,785
onto the big daily
early morning briefing of Covid
867
00:40:13,452 --> 00:40:16,204
on a national level
made me so joyful, you know?
868
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:18,915
Like, I just wanted to give
the country a present.
869
00:40:18,916 --> 00:40:20,417
[audience laughing]
870
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:25,422
And then, when I realized
he wasn't responding, it wasn't happening,
871
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:27,675
then it sunk in, and I felt dejected.
872
00:40:28,175 --> 00:40:30,718
You know, people who were single
during Covid were scared.
873
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,430
Like, "What if we don't ever
get penetrated again?" You know?
874
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:34,514
[audience laughs]
875
00:40:34,515 --> 00:40:35,640
And then I felt terrible
876
00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:39,145
that I hadn't brought my dogs
Bert and Bernice with me to Maine.
877
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:41,729
And so I was sitting
with my brothers and sisters.
878
00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:43,398
I'm like, "I'm really depressed."
879
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:46,484
"I've been rejected, you guys,
and I don't even have my dogs."
880
00:40:46,485 --> 00:40:49,612
"I don't even know how to get them
from California. I can't fly them."
881
00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:51,990
"That's egregious.
You know, I'm not gonna do that."
882
00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:54,826
And my brother Roy said,
"What about a choo-choo train?"
883
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,537
[audience laughing]
884
00:41:01,667 --> 00:41:04,961
And my sister Simone said,
"Never mind that. We will find a way."
885
00:41:04,962 --> 00:41:05,879
[audience laughs]
886
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,381
And she came downstairs 20 minutes later,
and she said,
887
00:41:08,382 --> 00:41:13,678
"I found a couple that will drive
your dogs from California to Maine,
888
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:16,639
and they will be here in 48 hours."
889
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,058
I was like,
"Is that even plausible? I mean..."
890
00:41:19,059 --> 00:41:19,976
[audience laughing]
891
00:41:19,977 --> 00:41:21,478
I didn't know if that could happen,
892
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,813
but when things are going my way
and I get answers I like,
893
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,565
I don't ask a ton of questions.
894
00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:27,192
I'm like, "Okay, great."
895
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:29,819
It was Monday night at 7:15,
896
00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:32,697
and Wednesday night at 7:30 p.m,
897
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:35,450
this couple rolls into this house
I'm renting in Maine,
898
00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:39,537
and Bert and Bernice stumble out
of this little hitch behind their van.
899
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,497
And I'm so grateful.
900
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:42,790
Anyone who is a dog owner here
901
00:41:42,791 --> 00:41:45,710
knows exactly how grateful I was
when I saw them.
902
00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:47,670
I ran into the house we were renting.
903
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:49,506
My brother is in the kitchen cooking,
904
00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:52,550
and I grabbed two cocktail glasses,
a bottle of Belvedere,
905
00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:55,179
and I start making them
a thank-you cocktail, you know?
906
00:41:56,472 --> 00:41:59,098
And my brother Roy goes, "Who's that for?"
907
00:41:59,099 --> 00:42:01,559
I said, "For the couple
that dropped off Bert and Bernice."
908
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,186
"It's a thank-you cocktail."
909
00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:05,606
He said, "Don't make them
more than one round."
910
00:42:06,857 --> 00:42:08,608
I said, "Why? What's your problem?"
911
00:42:08,609 --> 00:42:11,737
- [scattered laughter]
- He said, "Look at me, Chelsea."
912
00:42:12,613 --> 00:42:14,406
"Anybody who drove
913
00:42:15,574 --> 00:42:17,617
from California...
914
00:42:17,618 --> 00:42:19,077
[audience laughing]
915
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,412
...to Maine
916
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:25,042
in 48 hours
917
00:42:25,668 --> 00:42:27,418
is on crystal meth."
918
00:42:27,419 --> 00:42:30,214
[laughter and scattered applause]
919
00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:40,515
So I bring the drinks out,
and I say, "Thank you so much," you know.
920
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:43,476
And the guy's like, "Oh, sorry,
we can't have more than one drink."
921
00:42:43,477 --> 00:42:45,687
"We have to be in Florida by midnight."
922
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:47,647
[audience laughing]
923
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:48,857
Whoa.
924
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:50,942
And for the next two days,
925
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:53,486
my dogs Bert and Bernice
were walking around
926
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:55,989
just aimlessly into paddleboards,
927
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,449
hitting their heads.
928
00:42:57,950 --> 00:42:59,117
Just listlessly.
929
00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:02,871
And I was looking at them like,
"Oh my God, what is wrong with my babies?"
930
00:43:03,789 --> 00:43:06,165
My brother Roy is like,
"What's wrong with your babies?"
931
00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:10,129
I'm like, "Look at Bert. He's bumped
into the same tree three times."
932
00:43:10,838 --> 00:43:13,089
He's like, "What's wrong with your dogs?"
933
00:43:13,090 --> 00:43:15,009
"You just sent them
934
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:17,428
on a high-speed
935
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:20,139
methamphetamine
936
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:23,433
car chase across the country
937
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:29,105
because a governor wouldn't fuck you
during a global pandemic."
938
00:43:29,106 --> 00:43:30,023
[audience laughing]
939
00:43:30,024 --> 00:43:32,525
"So now they're detoxing
from crystal meth."
940
00:43:32,526 --> 00:43:33,985
"That's what's happening."
941
00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:36,071
[laughter and applause]
942
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:44,329
He's like, "Thank God
you never had a real baby."
943
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:48,166
I'm like, "I'm so sick and tired
of being insulted about my parenting."
944
00:43:48,167 --> 00:43:50,585
"You try raising two dogs on one income."
945
00:43:50,586 --> 00:43:52,671
[audience laughing]
946
00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:56,215
And then I got a text from Barbara Bush.
947
00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,718
George W. Bush,
our former president's daughters,
948
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,845
the twins, Jenna and Barbara,
I'm friends with them.
949
00:44:00,846 --> 00:44:04,140
I met them at this event called
the Glamour Women of the Year awards
950
00:44:04,141 --> 00:44:06,267
many years ago in New York City.
951
00:44:06,268 --> 00:44:09,228
And I met them. I was with my two sisters.
They were sisters.
952
00:44:09,229 --> 00:44:10,813
We bonded over being sisters.
953
00:44:10,814 --> 00:44:12,357
I call them "sissy."
954
00:44:12,358 --> 00:44:14,025
It's easier to call all women sissy
955
00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:16,235
so you don't have to remember
anybody's fucking name.
956
00:44:16,236 --> 00:44:17,153
[audience laughing]
957
00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:18,905
And I get a text from Barbara Bush.
958
00:44:18,906 --> 00:44:21,157
She says, "Sissy, we hear
you're in Biddeford Pool,"
959
00:44:21,158 --> 00:44:24,452
which is the part of Maine I was in,
the Republican enclave.
960
00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:26,412
She said,
"We hear you're in Biddeford Pool."
961
00:44:26,413 --> 00:44:28,581
"We're right around the corner.
We wanna say hi."
962
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:30,667
I said, "Of course, sissy. Come on over."
963
00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:33,836
And I see Barbara Bush.
She comes down the driveway.
964
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:36,297
It's this big, steep driveway
of this house we're renting.
965
00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:37,590
I see her come down,
966
00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:41,219
and then I see two Secret Service men
behind her come down.
967
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:45,181
And then I see the former First Lady,
Laura Bush, come down.
968
00:44:45,182 --> 00:44:46,600
And I'm like, "Ohhh."
969
00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:49,060
You know, too many Republicans.
970
00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:50,228
[audience laughing]
971
00:44:50,229 --> 00:44:53,564
Luckily, it was Covid. I was like,
"Everyone stand six feet away. Okay."
972
00:44:53,565 --> 00:44:56,567
And we're circling around,
and I bring them out onto the balcony,
973
00:44:56,568 --> 00:45:00,446
and we're looking at the ocean
on the terrace of this house.
974
00:45:00,447 --> 00:45:02,907
And Laura Bush, the former First Lady,
has a dimple, so...
975
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:04,158
I'm a sucker for dimples.
976
00:45:04,159 --> 00:45:07,538
Like, every time I see one,
I'm like, "They're innocent," you know?
977
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:09,372
I'd be a terrible juror.
978
00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:12,960
I'd just base all of my opinions
on people's looks and dimples.
979
00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:16,337
And then my brother Roy
walks out on the porch
980
00:45:16,338 --> 00:45:18,548
and sees Laura Bush,
the former First Lady,
981
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,091
and says, "You look familiar."
982
00:45:20,092 --> 00:45:22,678
[audience laughing]
983
00:45:27,808 --> 00:45:31,436
Then they were leaving, and Barbara Bush,
my friend, was like, "Oh."
984
00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:34,397
I said, "We do Pilates every morning
outside if you wanna come over."
985
00:45:34,398 --> 00:45:36,065
She was newly married at the time.
986
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:38,943
She said, "Yes, we're gonna come
every morning and do Pilates with you."
987
00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:40,820
So they started coming over every morning.
988
00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:43,239
Everyone was banging on
about pickleball at this point.
989
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,742
I blame Covid for pickleball, right?
990
00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:48,704
We didn't have to hear about
fucking pickleball before Covid.
991
00:45:49,204 --> 00:45:53,708
Pickleball. That is not a subject
that I can take seriously.
992
00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,585
When people bang on and on about pickle...
993
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,129
That is not real exercise, okay?
994
00:45:58,130 --> 00:46:00,298
So shut the fuck up about it.
995
00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:02,133
You would burn more calories
996
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:06,387
shoving an actual pickle up your asshole
on a pickleball court
997
00:46:06,388 --> 00:46:08,181
than playing a game of pickleball.
998
00:46:08,182 --> 00:46:09,307
[audience laughing]
999
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:12,059
Pickleball and Burning Man.
I don't wanna hear about that either.
1000
00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:13,978
Stop trying to convert me
and bring me there.
1001
00:46:13,979 --> 00:46:18,065
Burning Man is a bunch of rich people
trying to share for the very first time.
1002
00:46:18,066 --> 00:46:20,860
[audience laughing]
1003
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:22,779
So everyone's talking about pickleball,
1004
00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:26,783
and Barbara Bush is like, "Let's have
a pickleball tournament at Kennebunkport."
1005
00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:29,577
"You... The Handlers versus the Bushes."
1006
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:32,747
And I was like,
"Oh no, sissy. That's cute, but no."
1007
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:34,665
"I'm not coming to Kennebunkport."
1008
00:46:34,666 --> 00:46:37,168
"I don't wanna be seen
with your father, okay?"
1009
00:46:37,169 --> 00:46:40,463
"I can't trust myself
in the company of your father."
1010
00:46:40,464 --> 00:46:42,840
- "I have outbursts."
- [audience laughing]
1011
00:46:42,841 --> 00:46:46,511
"And I'm as surprised as the next person
when they happen, okay?"
1012
00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:48,888
"I don't know
when I'm gonna go off on someone,
1013
00:46:48,889 --> 00:46:51,682
and when I do,
I'm also scared for that person."
1014
00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:54,769
"I certainly don't wanna do that
on someone's property, you know?"
1015
00:46:54,770 --> 00:46:58,440
"Be mean to your father
or confront him about who knows what."
1016
00:46:59,024 --> 00:47:03,152
And she's like, "Oh, sissy, don't worry.
I'll make sure Daddy's getting a massage."
1017
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:04,695
[audience laughs]
1018
00:47:04,696 --> 00:47:06,572
I was like, "Don't call him Daddy."
1019
00:47:06,573 --> 00:47:07,990
[audience laughing]
1020
00:47:07,991 --> 00:47:09,784
"That is not my daddy."
1021
00:47:09,785 --> 00:47:11,411
[audience laughs]
1022
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:15,164
"We're not going." My whole family,
my sister, the virgin one, was like,
1023
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:17,375
"Don't take this opportunity
away from us."
1024
00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:19,335
"We wanna go to Kennebunkport, okay?"
1025
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:21,379
"Just 'cause you
and your political bullshit,
1026
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:23,631
you shouldn't take
this opportunity away from us."
1027
00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:26,425
"Just take one of your drugs
and subdue your personality."
1028
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:28,928
[audience laughing]
1029
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:31,849
And my sister's like,
"Take two. She's right. Take two."
1030
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,976
And my brother Roy's like,
"She needs four... four edibles
1031
00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:36,185
if she's gonna calm down,
1032
00:47:36,186 --> 00:47:38,688
and that makes her
just like almost a mute."
1033
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:43,234
So I took four 40 milligrams of THC
to go to Kennebunkport.
1034
00:47:43,235 --> 00:47:45,695
- Forty milligrams.
- [man] Yeah!
1035
00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:49,866
Yeah, and I'm like...
That doesn't even... I... I...
1036
00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:53,202
Listen, I understand that drugs
aren't for everyone. They're for me.
1037
00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:54,704
[audience laughing]
1038
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:56,414
We have a great understanding.
1039
00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:57,623
We get along great.
1040
00:47:57,624 --> 00:48:01,210
It's almost like, if I am sober,
I have too much of an advantage.
1041
00:48:01,211 --> 00:48:02,920
[audience laughing]
1042
00:48:02,921 --> 00:48:05,381
So I took 40 milligrams of THC.
1043
00:48:05,382 --> 00:48:07,383
We show up at Kennebunkport.
1044
00:48:07,384 --> 00:48:12,638
We're on this pickleball court.
I have a visor on and, like, cargo shorts.
1045
00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:14,557
I look like a giant bull dyke.
1046
00:48:14,558 --> 00:48:15,975
[audience laughing]
1047
00:48:15,976 --> 00:48:19,312
I'm as high as a kite,
I have big, thick sunglasses on,
1048
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:21,439
and we're on the pickleball court.
1049
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:24,775
I'm not doing anything, 'cause you don't
have to when you play pickleball.
1050
00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:25,985
You just stand there.
1051
00:48:25,986 --> 00:48:27,194
[audience laughing]
1052
00:48:27,195 --> 00:48:28,739
And we're not on the court
1053
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:32,159
for less than 30 seconds
before I hear the voice
1054
00:48:33,452 --> 00:48:35,202
of the former president
of the United States.
1055
00:48:35,203 --> 00:48:37,204
And he's like, "Ohhhhh."
1056
00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:38,164
[audience laughing]
1057
00:48:38,165 --> 00:48:40,958
"Ho-ho, I hear the funny lady is in town."
1058
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:42,710
[audience laughing]
1059
00:48:42,711 --> 00:48:44,003
And I'm so stoned.
1060
00:48:44,004 --> 00:48:46,632
I'm like, "Oh no. No."
1061
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:49,175
"I thought Daddy was getting a massage."
1062
00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:50,718
[audience laughing]
1063
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,679
And I look across at the sister,
the one that I trust, you know?
1064
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:57,224
And she's like, "It's him. It's him.
Shut the fuck up. Don't talk."
1065
00:48:57,225 --> 00:48:58,851
And I was like, "Brrrrr."
1066
00:48:58,852 --> 00:49:02,647
And I look over, and George W. Bush
is coming towards me with his arms open.
1067
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:05,107
He's like, "Come here!"
I'm like, "Back the fuck up!"
1068
00:49:05,108 --> 00:49:06,025
[audience laughing]
1069
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:09,487
I was like, "There's a pandemic
going on right now. You stand back!"
1070
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:10,821
[audience laughs]
1071
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:13,491
- And he's like, "What?!"
- I'm like, "A pandemic."
1072
00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:16,452
"I know you're on your own private Idaho
in this little island you live on,
1073
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:17,954
or whatever the fuck this shit is."
1074
00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:20,498
[audience laughing]
1075
00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:22,792
And then my brother Roy
comes off the court,
1076
00:49:22,793 --> 00:49:26,045
looks at the former president,
goes, "You really look familiar."
1077
00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:28,422
[audience laughing]
1078
00:49:28,423 --> 00:49:30,675
So embarrassing, you know?
1079
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:32,343
[audience laughing]
1080
00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,595
And he's like, "I wanna show you
my art collection."
1081
00:49:34,596 --> 00:49:37,932
He's like, "I'm a painter.
I've made a lot of paintings," you know.
1082
00:49:37,933 --> 00:49:40,184
I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I don't..."
1083
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:42,980
"I don't... I don't want
to come with you, please."
1084
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:44,689
Like, I'm so stoned.
1085
00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:47,066
All I want is for this to be over.
1086
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:48,859
And he hooks his arm in my arm.
1087
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:51,154
He's like, "Come on.
What are you scared of?"
1088
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,949
And Barbara Bush is like,
"Just go with Daddy, sissy."
1089
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:56,158
"Go with Daddy."
1090
00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:57,284
[audience laughing]
1091
00:49:57,285 --> 00:49:59,578
I'm like,
"Stop fucking calling him Daddy!"
1092
00:49:59,579 --> 00:50:02,748
[audience laughing]
1093
00:50:02,749 --> 00:50:05,710
And we go into this house,
and it's just him and me.
1094
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:09,964
And I'm like, "What is happening?
Why is this afternoon so long?"
1095
00:50:09,965 --> 00:50:11,133
"You know, when..."
1096
00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:13,259
"When will this be over?"
1097
00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:15,344
And he shows me his first painting.
1098
00:50:15,345 --> 00:50:18,014
And I'm not someone
who knows a lot about art.
1099
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:20,474
I'm a philistine, and I don't feel
1100
00:50:20,475 --> 00:50:22,893
even compelled to pretend
that I do, you know?
1101
00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:25,813
I'm not someone who's like, "I know."
I don't.
1102
00:50:25,814 --> 00:50:28,191
To me, art, I'm so glad it's there,
you know?
1103
00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:30,776
It's like a duvet cover. "Thank you."
1104
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,696
[audience laughing]
1105
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:36,490
"Thank you for being here.
I don't need a ton of backstory."
1106
00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:38,076
"I'm not that interested."
1107
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:42,788
So I'm looking at the first painting,
1108
00:50:42,789 --> 00:50:45,792
and I'm just trying to think
of something to say that's like,
1109
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:47,835
you know, about a painting.
1110
00:50:47,836 --> 00:50:49,962
I'm like, "Oh."
1111
00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:51,965
And he goes, "Take your sunglasses off."
1112
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:54,217
"So you can see the painting."
1113
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:56,427
And reflexively, I'm very honest.
1114
00:50:56,428 --> 00:50:59,180
I said, "Mr. President,
I'm as high as a kite right now."
1115
00:50:59,181 --> 00:51:00,389
[audience laughing]
1116
00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,975
"You need to know that
out of respect for the Office."
1117
00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:04,143
[audience laughs]
1118
00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:08,189
- And he went... [laughing heartily]
- [audience laughing]
1119
00:51:08,190 --> 00:51:09,566
[inhales]
1120
00:51:11,568 --> 00:51:13,986
And I was like, "Yes, I am."
And then we went up.
1121
00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:16,906
There were, like, three landings,
three different staircases.
1122
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,033
All of his paintings
were on these landings
1123
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:20,535
or on these stairwells.
1124
00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:24,080
And when we got to the last painting,
I really thought,
1125
00:51:24,081 --> 00:51:26,083
"I have to think of something to say."
1126
00:51:27,876 --> 00:51:31,837
And I just was staring at it, and...
1127
00:51:31,838 --> 00:51:34,049
and I said, "The paint is so
1128
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:35,549
thick."
1129
00:51:35,550 --> 00:51:37,928
[audience laughing]
1130
00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:43,725
And my sister Simone was like,
"Okay! Time to go!"
1131
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:47,019
She was at the bottom of the stairs
'cause she had followed me,
1132
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:48,979
and I was like, "Oh, thank God," you know?
1133
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:51,232
She would never have
left me alone with him.
1134
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:56,403
And I also wanted to get out of there
before I ended up blowing Dick Cheney.
1135
00:51:56,404 --> 00:51:59,323
- I was like, "What is gonna happen next?"
- [audience laughing]
1136
00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:02,952
And then before I left, I said,
"Oh my God. Can we get a selfie together?"
1137
00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:04,662
Uh, and he said, "Of course," you know.
1138
00:52:04,663 --> 00:52:07,498
And I take a selfie
with George W. Bush and me.
1139
00:52:07,499 --> 00:52:10,292
And I run downstairs,
get in the car with my brother and sister,
1140
00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:13,170
and sent that picture
directly to Andrew Cuomo.
1141
00:52:13,171 --> 00:52:14,588
[audience laughing]
1142
00:52:14,589 --> 00:52:17,300
[cheering and applause]
1143
00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:29,895
[audience laughing]
1144
00:52:29,896 --> 00:52:33,858
I was like, "Good enough for a president,
but not good enough for a governor?"
1145
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:35,484
[audience laughing]
1146
00:52:35,485 --> 00:52:37,862
And then it came out,
like, you know, six months later
1147
00:52:37,863 --> 00:52:39,697
that Andrew Cuomo was a predator,
1148
00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:42,324
and he was, like,
harassing everyone at his workplace.
1149
00:52:42,325 --> 00:52:45,035
Obviously he was a predator
and harassing everyone.
1150
00:52:45,036 --> 00:52:48,122
He was harassing all of us
on TV every day.
1151
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,249
I just fucking loved it, you know.
1152
00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:51,626
[audience laughing]
1153
00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:54,295
Then my virgin sister called me.
1154
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:58,507
And she goes, "It's interesting how you
extricate yourself from these situations."
1155
00:52:58,508 --> 00:53:02,179
"You could've been dating Andrew Cuomo.
You would be canceled right now."
1156
00:53:02,762 --> 00:53:04,430
I was like, "You sound disappointed."
1157
00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,849
- [audience laughing]
- She goes, "It's just interesting.
1158
00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:09,894
"Think about all the times
you get close to a bad situation."
1159
00:53:09,895 --> 00:53:13,147
She goes, "It's almost like
our dead mother is upstairs in heaven
1160
00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:16,775
just protecting you and making sure
you don't fuck your life up."
1161
00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:17,693
[audience laughs]
1162
00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:20,905
She's like, "Remember Martha McIntosh
when she had her braces installed?"
1163
00:53:20,906 --> 00:53:23,073
"You got out of there
just in the nick of time too."
1164
00:53:23,074 --> 00:53:24,783
[audience laughing]
1165
00:53:24,784 --> 00:53:26,702
She goes,
"This is just this all over again."
1166
00:53:26,703 --> 00:53:27,953
"You just got out of there."
1167
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,665
"You didn't make the decision.
It just happened."
1168
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:35,378
I said, "That's a very interesting way
of looking at everything."
1169
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:40,675
"That's how you think our mom
is spending her time in heaven?"
1170
00:53:41,468 --> 00:53:44,053
"By cockblocking me on the ground?"
1171
00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:46,139
[audience laughing]
1172
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:51,353
She's like, "Think about Bill Cosby.
Think about that."
1173
00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:54,147
I had forgotten about Bill Cosby.
1174
00:53:54,773 --> 00:53:58,442
I was in my twenties performing
at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City,
1175
00:53:58,443 --> 00:53:59,818
and Bill Cosby was performing.
1176
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:02,239
I was doing two nights.
He was doing two nights.
1177
00:54:02,739 --> 00:54:05,324
And after the first night,
I'm walking through the casino,
1178
00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:07,702
and the casino manager came up and said,
1179
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:12,082
"Bill Cosby wants to meet you
in his hotel room at 3:00 p.m."
1180
00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:14,959
I was like, "I'll fuckin' be there."
1181
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,045
[audience laughing]
1182
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:22,550
And I had a security guard with me
and the guy who was opening for me.
1183
00:54:24,636 --> 00:54:27,639
And we walked up to Bill Cosby's room.
It was 2:50.
1184
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:31,809
I'm always early, 'cause no one
picked me up from school.
1185
00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:33,227
[audience laughing]
1186
00:54:33,228 --> 00:54:36,272
And I'm waiting, and then I knock
on the door at three o'clock sharp,
1187
00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:38,065
and Bill Cosby opens the door.
1188
00:54:38,066 --> 00:54:40,859
I grew up worshiping Bill Cosby.
1189
00:54:40,860 --> 00:54:45,364
I grew up wanting my father
to be more professional like Bill Cosby.
1190
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:49,827
I wanted my dad to have a gynecological
practice in our basement. You know?
1191
00:54:49,828 --> 00:54:53,622
With a swinging kitchen door
and a fucking... clean sweaters on.
1192
00:54:53,623 --> 00:54:57,209
My dad would have never had the tenacity
to get all the degrees necessary
1193
00:54:57,210 --> 00:54:58,502
to become a gynecologist.
1194
00:54:58,503 --> 00:55:01,423
He would have been more
of a farm-to-table gynecologist.
1195
00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:04,091
But I wanted to be part of that family.
1196
00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,260
I wanted to be sisters
with Rudy and Vanessa,
1197
00:55:06,261 --> 00:55:09,305
and I wanted to fuck the shit
out of my brother Theo.
1198
00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:11,515
That's what I wanted for myself.
1199
00:55:11,516 --> 00:55:13,350
[scattered laughter]
1200
00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:16,186
Bill Cosby wanted to meet me?
Bill Cosby knew who I was?
1201
00:55:16,187 --> 00:55:19,440
Do you know how, like, meaningful that was
when I was at that age
1202
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:23,319
and we didn't know anything
about Bill Cosby that we know now?
1203
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:25,612
I couldn't wait for him to open the door,
and when he did,
1204
00:55:25,613 --> 00:55:29,033
he had that huge
Jell-O pudding smile, you know.
1205
00:55:29,034 --> 00:55:31,827
And he opened the door,
and I looked at him, and he looked at me,
1206
00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:34,079
and I jumped into his arms.
1207
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:35,873
And I was like, "Dad, I'm home."
1208
00:55:35,874 --> 00:55:37,124
[audience laughing]
1209
00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:40,794
And we held each other,
you know, for moments.
1210
00:55:40,795 --> 00:55:43,172
And then, finally, he released me.
1211
00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:47,217
And then the door opened to emerge
that I was with two men
1212
00:55:47,218 --> 00:55:48,927
that he hadn't seen,
1213
00:55:48,928 --> 00:55:52,766
and his face turned from
a Jell-O pudding smile into a big frown.
1214
00:55:53,391 --> 00:55:55,934
And I didn't know at the time
what was going on.
1215
00:55:55,935 --> 00:56:00,230
Now I know that he was like, "Do I have
enough roofies for all of these people?"
1216
00:56:00,231 --> 00:56:02,817
[audience laughing]
1217
00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:11,700
And we walk into Bill Cosby's room,
and we're sitting there.
1218
00:56:11,701 --> 00:56:15,204
And he's got
this huge, palatial presidential suite.
1219
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:20,000
And I'm sitting there with my opener
and my security guard.
1220
00:56:20,001 --> 00:56:23,295
And he just starts laying into the guy
that's opening for me.
1221
00:56:23,296 --> 00:56:25,214
Bill Cosby telling the guy
1222
00:56:25,215 --> 00:56:28,342
that he'll never amount to anything
opening for a woman.
1223
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:29,968
[disappointed reactions]
1224
00:56:29,969 --> 00:56:32,971
And at first, I thought we were...
I was like, "Is this a j... Ha-ha!"
1225
00:56:32,972 --> 00:56:35,182
- Like...
- [audience laughing]
1226
00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:37,309
"Are we on, you know, Punk'd? Like, what..."
1227
00:56:37,310 --> 00:56:42,022
And then I realized
he was, like, venomous and mean.
1228
00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:45,192
[coughs] And I was a young woman.
I didn't know how to stand up for myself.
1229
00:56:45,193 --> 00:56:47,569
But I had to, you know.
I had to stand up for my friend.
1230
00:56:47,570 --> 00:56:50,656
I was like, "We have to get up.
Like, this is awful."
1231
00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:53,659
"What is he doing?"
And we walked out of that room,
1232
00:56:53,660 --> 00:56:57,287
and I'll never forget,
the three of us were so... um...
1233
00:56:57,288 --> 00:57:00,124
Ugh, it was the worst feeling, you know?
That...
1234
00:57:00,125 --> 00:57:03,169
Walking, we couldn't even say anything
to each other.
1235
00:57:04,045 --> 00:57:06,798
They always say, "Never meet your idols."
1236
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:10,802
And I've only had two idols.
1237
00:57:11,469 --> 00:57:13,720
Woody Allen and Bill Cosby.
1238
00:57:13,721 --> 00:57:15,807
[audience laughing]
1239
00:57:26,192 --> 00:57:28,652
And then that story came out
about six years later,
1240
00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:32,574
that Bill Cosby was roofieing every woman
that came to his hotel room.
1241
00:57:33,199 --> 00:57:35,033
And so my virgin sister called me again.
1242
00:57:35,034 --> 00:57:38,078
She's like, "Well, now we know
why Bill Cosby
1243
00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:40,122
was in such a bad mood that day."
1244
00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:42,125
[audience laughing]
1245
00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:45,419
And I was like,
"Little does Bill Cosby know
1246
00:57:45,420 --> 00:57:48,130
that that roofie wouldn't have put
a fucking dent in me."
1247
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:49,089
[audience laughing]
1248
00:57:49,090 --> 00:57:52,634
Thank you, New Jersey!
Thank you for such a fun show!
1249
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,261
- Thank you!
- [cheering and applause]
1250
00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:56,431
- [rock music playing]
- Thank you, guys!
1251
00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,182
Thank you, guys!
1252
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:00,476
[cheering and applause continues]
1253
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:02,687
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
1254
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:06,858
Thank you!
1255
00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:11,362
Thank you, guys!
1256
00:58:16,826 --> 00:58:18,828
[upbeat rock music playing]
1257
00:59:10,922 --> 00:59:13,091
[music fades]