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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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I always admired
American stand-up specials,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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the way the comic
always seemed so cool,
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smoking a cigarette
even if they don't smoke,
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pulling up outside a packed venue
with not a care in the world.
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Hey, I get it.
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Life moves fast,
so you got to walk slow.
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But it's my time now,
time for me to do my first special.
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It's time for me to shine.
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Hey, sweetheart.
How's your mother?
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Time for me to show everyone
what the fuck I've got.
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Brett, let's go. Showtime. Come on.
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I don't know why I said I'd do this.
I don't want to do this.
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There's too many people out there.
I don't want to do a special.
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- It's insane to do a special--
- Pull yourself together!
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Like I was saying, time to show them
what I'm made of...
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Oi!
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- Have a great show, Brett.
- Cheers, Buddy G.
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Just have fun!
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In the greatest place
on Earth, New Jersey.
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New Jersey, how are you?
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All right, then.
Let's start with my name.
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My name is Brett Goldstein.
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That is my real name.
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And where I come from
in London, England,
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that's quite an exotic name.
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No one knows a Brett Goldstein.
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I've come to the East Coast.
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Do you know who knows
a Brett Goldstein?
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Everyone.
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Everyone knows
a Brett Goldstein.
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And not just that, but, apparently,
Brett Goldstein is the name
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of the guy who first fingered you
at summer camp.
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So...
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...just here to continue a great
and important tradition.
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Thank you for having me.
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I first came out to America
a few years ago, right?
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And I first came out here to do stand-up.
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But I didn't know if I would fit in
with the American comedy scene.
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So I was in LA. I took myself
to the Comedy Store just to watch a show.
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I wanted to see what it was like.
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And all the acts that I saw,
they were all brilliant,
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but the level of confidence
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was odd.
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Like, everyone comes out onstage like,
what's up, bitches?
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And then they all do
this weird sort of racial profiling.
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They go, what's up, bitches?
Where my Peruvians at?
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And, like, I'm English, right?
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So I do stand-up like I do sex.
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My true instinct is to come out onstage
and go, sorry.
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Thank you so much for letting me do this.
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I promise it won't take long.
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I'll just put my head down.
We'll plow through.
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No, we don't have to make eye contact.
I'm as embarrassed as you are.
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You don't have to pay me.
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I'm just so grateful
you're letting me do it.
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I will pay you.
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That's too much, too far.
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But now I've toured all over your country.
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I've seen all the sights now.
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I saw a man masturbating
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outside a CVS
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on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
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00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,749
But I've also seen bad things.
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I've been everywhere now.
I've seen all the things.
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I've been to the White House,
as I'm sure we all have.
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It was a couple of years ago.
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You might not know this,
but the people from "Ted Lasso"
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were invited to the White House.
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Yeah.
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It was a different time,
different White House cast.
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You remember when there
was that White House cast,
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then there was a different cast,
and then the old cast got a new season?
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Anyway, it was the middle cast,
and it was a big deal.
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We were invited.
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But one thing I didn't know
is that because of taxpayers...
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Well done...
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They don't really give
proper food or drink to guests
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because it's a waste of taxpayer money,
which is very honorable.
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I just wish they'd told us that
in advance,
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because I didn't eat or drink
at all beforehand
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because I assumed we were going
to live like kings.
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Which I do appreciate is
the exact opposite reason
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for that building existing.
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We were there nine hours.
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Hour eight, I was sat with the president,
going, are you sure?
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Just a thimble of water?
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Please, sir.
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Let me Uber Eats.
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What else did I want to tell you
that's relatable?
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You know...
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Thank you.
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You know when you're
on "Sesame Street," right?
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We've all done it. We've all done it.
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So I did an episode of "Sesame Street,"
and I say this without irony.
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This is not a joke.
I mean this with every bone in my body.
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It was the best day of my life...
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...which is all well and good,
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but I have had
to continue living ever since.
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And if I'm completely honest,
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I do find myself most days
at some point, going,
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I mean, what's
the fucking point anymore?
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When I did "Sesame Street,"
people said to me,
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oh, it doesn't get better than that.
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I then went to the White House.
It doesn't get better than that.
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Like, yes, I met the president,
but he's not Big Bird.
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And I truly worry
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that if I ever have a kid
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and one day my kid says to me,
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was the day I was born...
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...the best day of your life?
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I'll be like, no.
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Obviously not.
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Have you met fucking Elmo?
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'Cause I have,
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you arrogant piece of shit.
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And if Joe Biden had
had Flamin' Hot Cheetos,
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you'd be number three.
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Interesting thing
about doing "Sesame Street"--
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hell of a sentence.
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Interesting thing--when I did it,
I had in my head who would be my favorite,
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but when I actually did it,
they were not my favorite.
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My favorite turned out
to be Cookie Monster.
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Wasn't expecting it.
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Cookie Monster really took me by surprise.
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I was like, fucking hell, you're funny.
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And on the way home, I was like,
why did I love Cookie Monster so much?
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And then I thought about it,
and I was like,
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oh, it's because Cookie Monster
is an addict.
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But we are meeting him
at the point of addiction
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where he's still fun.
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Like, in a few months,
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you don't want to be hanging out
with Cookie.
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Cookie is a fucking nightmare very soon.
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But right now he's, like, peak Cookie,
you know what I mean?
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Like, I truly think they should do
an intervention episode of "Sesame Street"
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where, like,
Big Bird goes back to his nest,
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and the cash from underneath it
is missing.
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There's, like, a cookie-crumb trail.
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And Cookie Monster goes into the kitchen
and turns on the light,
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and they're all lined up.
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And Elmo is like, Elmo
thinks you have a problem.
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I should have said this at the top.
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I love your country.
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You have to say that.
I love your country.
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Yep. Okay.
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I love your country. No notes.
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No notes.
Everything seems well.
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No notes.
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One note, just one note,
but it's very, very small.
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Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
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My only note, and it's a very small one,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
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I don't understand
your restroom situation.
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Now, call me old-fashioned,
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but I don't want to see you taking a shit.
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I don't understand why your stall doors
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cover the torso but nothing else.
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So you can see dick and balls
and poo and face,
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but not the chest because
that would be disgusting.
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No, you're right.
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And if that's not enough, don't panic,
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because there is also always
a giant vertical gap all the way down
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so you definitely get to see everything.
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Every restroom I walk in,
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I'm making eye contact
with a man straining.
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You all right, mate?
Looks like you need more fiber.
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You okay?
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And very occasionally, you get lucky,
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and you get those restrooms
where it's, like, a room,
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and it has walls and a door.
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But those toilets always have
a lock that's just a button
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that you press.
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And you have no idea
if that now means it's locked.
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00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:11,694
And the toilet is always so far away.
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You're always like, is it safe?
Is it safe?
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00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,367
And the only way to check if it
is locked is to unlock it.
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So...
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...it's either permanently locked
or permanently unlocked.
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It's like trying to do Schrodinger's shit.
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In England, when we need a number two,
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we go inside a bank vault in a submarine
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under the River Thames...
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...as Winston Churchill intended.
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Two notes, just two notes.
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Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing, I swear.
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It's a small note,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
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I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
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but I find the way
that Americans finish phone calls
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to be aggressive and abrupt.
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00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,291
In England,
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it takes about 25 minutes
to finish a phone call.
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00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,420
We finish phone calls like this.
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00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:14,089
Thank you very much.
Lovely talking to you again.
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Lots of love to everyone.
Yeah, good stuff.
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00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,300
Yeah, we'll speak tomorrow.
Yeah, lots of love to everyone.
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00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:19,094
Well done on everything.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
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00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,304
No, good night to you, sir.
Yes, okay. Lots of love.
199
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:23,098
Yeah, thank you very much.
Yeah, it was a good chat.
200
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,683
Yeah, thank you very much.
Thank you. Lots of love.
201
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,476
Okay, thank you, thank you.
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.
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00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,980
In America, you get
the information, you go, yep.
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00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,944
Every time I have a phone call
with an American, it ends,
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00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,406
and I think I've done
something terribly wrong.
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00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:42,158
I immediately text them--are we okay?
206
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:45,120
And they'll always write back,
all good, period, no kiss.
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00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,288
I'm like, fuck.
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00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:49,708
It's worse than I thought.
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00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,835
I'll text back--are we breaking up?
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00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:55,088
They'll be like, I'm your accountant.
What are you talking about?
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00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,633
I'm like, well, why are
you being such a cunt?
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00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:05,098
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Let's deal with what just happened.
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00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:08,101
I just very casually said the C-word.
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00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,562
Now, when I arrived at the airport,
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00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,565
I was told I might be deported
if I did that,
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00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,026
because, apparently, Americans
think that is a bad word.
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00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:20,239
May we be big and brave
and talk about this?
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00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:29,457
What the fuck is wrong with you cunts?
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00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,501
Cunt is my favorite part on a human being.
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00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:35,421
Why aren't you celebrating it?
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00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,303
In England, we use that word
for everything.
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00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,430
Like, yes, I can make it sound nasty,
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00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,098
like, who's this cunt?
224
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,267
But, like, if I see my best friend,
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00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,978
I'm like, cunt,
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00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,856
because I love him, you know what I mean?
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00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,566
And there's so much nuance to it.
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00:12:56,567 --> 00:13:00,403
You can use it in so many circumstances.
It's like snowflakes to Inuits.
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00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:03,907
It's like, imagine you've been
on a night out with the girls,
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00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,868
and you come home and your husband's
finally emptied the dishwasher.
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00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,162
And he leaves you a note
saying, you're welcome,
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00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,707
and you're like, you little cunt.
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00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:17,420
Or, like, when you finally meet
your wife's friend Sven,
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00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:19,464
who she's been playing
all that tennis with,
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00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,216
but she promised you
he was gay.
236
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:24,303
But when you finally meet him,
you're like, this cunt.
237
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:30,809
I hope it is now becoming clear
why I've actually been doing this tour.
238
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,896
I am trying to bring "cunt"
to America.
239
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,902
It's actually important work.
240
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,531
I did want to call
this show "The Cunt Mission."
241
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,910
But I was heavily advised against it
by everyone I know.
242
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:52,205
It's a bit like the phrase
"the state of it."
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00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,790
I don't know
if you have that here.
244
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,501
My dad...
245
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,087
He won't mind me saying this.
246
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,131
We're filming it. He'll be proud.
247
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:05,553
My dad is a massive pervert, and...
248
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,389
...if you ever meet my dad
and you're out with him,
249
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,767
he will just point out
attractive women all night.
250
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:15,563
And he'll go, fucking hell.
251
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,774
Fucking hell.
252
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,360
Look at the state of it.
253
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,948
Nine months later, I was born.
254
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,665
Three notes, just three notes.
255
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,959
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
256
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,588
And it's a very small note,
and I'm sure it's cultural.
257
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,008
As wonderful as it is here--
and it is truly wonderful--
258
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,093
I think, if we're honest,
259
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:51,306
sometimes it does feel a bit edgy.
260
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:54,517
Like, I don't always feel safe.
261
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:55,603
And...
262
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,898
I had this experience in New York.
I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this.
263
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,108
It was a few days ago, right?
I was out with a friend.
264
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:04,736
It was about half 12:00 at night,
and I said goodbye.
265
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,613
And I got the subway back to my hotel.
266
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,115
And the subway was
really packed, really busy.
267
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,868
And the train I was on
pulled into a station,
268
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:15,121
and everyone got off my carriage,
269
00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:18,626
except for me and one other person.
270
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,629
And as the doors closed,
I had the overwhelming urge
271
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,840
to turn to that person and go...
272
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,260
...I'm gonna fucking kill you now.
273
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:40,022
I mean, I didn't, but I felt it,
and it was powerful.
274
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,233
I thought, maybe I've been here too long.
275
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:49,155
This next bit, I don't actually have
a segue for,
276
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,908
so I'll just take a pause.
277
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,667
My mum is really hot.
278
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:02,794
I have a hot mum.
279
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,838
I have a hot, sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
280
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,507
Tell us why you're in therapy, Brett.
281
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,592
I have a...
282
00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:13,638
I have a hot, sexy, curvy,
sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
283
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:17,392
And, listen, do not be creeped out
by me saying this.
284
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,851
These are not my words.
285
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:23,189
These are the words of every single person
who has ever met my mum.
286
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,983
What happens is, people meet my mum.
287
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,610
Then they come to me, and they go,
oh, my God, I just met your mom.
288
00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,279
She's so hot.
289
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,615
And to this day,
290
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:36,828
I do not know what I am meant to say
291
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,955
in response.
292
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,083
Am I meant to go...
293
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:44,712
...yeah!
294
00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:48,298
Fucking right she is!
295
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,719
I've seen her naked, mate!
296
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:56,014
She might have stopped working,
but those titties haven't.
297
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,599
High five, high five, high five!
298
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,520
I've been inside her.
You know what I mean?
299
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,107
Oh, no.
300
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:11,947
Oh, what a shame. I'm so sorry.
We were having such a classy evening.
301
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,157
What a shame.
302
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,242
It honestly happens
to me so much
303
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,662
that when people say it to me
whose mum is not hot,
304
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,039
I'm like, am I meant to go,
305
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,751
and your mother
has a cracking personality?
306
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,841
You're a good crowd, New Jersey.
You're a good crowd, and you seem...
307
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,974
I'm also vaguely distracted
by a child?
308
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,351
In the front row?
309
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,062
Are you a child?
310
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:44,896
Are you a human child?
311
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,022
Yeah.
312
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,315
How old is this child?
313
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:48,399
12.
314
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,779
You're 12. Okay. Well, you're gonna
learn so much, and...
315
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,576
And I'm happy to see you.
316
00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,287
And when you talk to your therapist
about this one day,
317
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:02,790
just remember I meant well.
318
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:07,377
Thank you for being here.
319
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:12,924
But you do seem intelligent,
320
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,636
and you do seem like you can handle
the serious stuff.
321
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,014
I mean, I guess that's why you come
to comedy, isn't it?
322
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:22,308
We can talk about the serious stuff.
Fuck it.
323
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,602
So, look...
324
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:27,022
...been an awful lot going on
these last few years, right?
325
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:30,942
We've had the pandemic.
We've had wars.
326
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,613
And worse than all of that, we've had men.
327
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:41,786
Men is bad.
328
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,788
Men is like, oh, boy.
329
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,541
Like, men is bad.
330
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:50,962
And I think I'm up to date on everything
with the Time's Up and the MeToo,
331
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,215
and the "not you as well."
332
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,552
And, look, here's the truth.
I don't mind sharing it with you.
333
00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:00,639
You all seem like smart people.
I'll tell you the fucking truth.
334
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:08,188
I always knew that men were bad.
335
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,859
I did, because we have
secret meetings on Tuesdays,
336
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:16,696
and we brag about it at the CVS.
337
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,073
But...
338
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:23,703
...I did not know that they were this bad
in this amount.
339
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,164
And the more I read and the more I hear,
340
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,625
the more I feel sort of embarrassed
when I introduce myself to people.
341
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:32,378
Like, I sort of want to go,
well, obviously, I'm a man,
342
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:33,796
but I'm not...
343
00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:35,674
I'm not a man.
344
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:41,471
And I realize it must be what it's like
to be German...
345
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:53,441
...for the last 75 to 80 years,
because everyone you meet,
346
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,402
you're going, well, see,
I'm German, but I'm not...
347
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:57,945
I'm not a Nazi.
348
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,908
And everyone's going,
are you sure?
349
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,826
Because you have got
blonde hair, blue eyes,
350
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:05,703
and you are incredibly efficient.
351
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:09,415
And you're like, no, no, no, no.
But I high-five straight up like normal.
352
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,501
That's how you can tell.
It's in the high-fives.
353
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:14,504
Just ask Elon.
354
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,056
But it's like, it's getting worse.
355
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,850
Like, every day I read something.
Like, I feel like I'm on the wrong team.
356
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,101
Like, it's embarrassing.
357
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:32,230
Like, in Japan, some men
have started marrying pillows
358
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,981
because they can't cope
with women.
359
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,151
What the fuck is going on?
360
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:40,863
And, look, I am very aware
that me even talking about this onstage
361
00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:43,282
is, in itself, problematic
362
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,953
because, spoiler alert, I am a man.
363
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:50,081
Some of you might be thinking,
what is he up to?
364
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,375
What is this sick fuck's angle?
365
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:55,753
Like, is this like Darth Vader
coming out here and going,
366
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,255
Stormtroopers are bad.
367
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,758
All back to the Death Star.
You're safe with me.
368
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,971
That impression is not getting better.
369
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,890
I've been working on that for six months.
370
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:10,352
I would argue it's getting
worse and worse.
371
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,896
But all this men stuff
is stressing me out.
372
00:21:13,897 --> 00:21:15,106
It's truly stressing me out.
373
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,276
And the more I speak to people about it,
the more I hear and the more I read,
374
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:21,279
I'm like, I don't think
there's a solution to this,
375
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,114
other than I think...
376
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:27,535
I think you're gonna have to kill
all the men.
377
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,620
And it doesn't have to be nasty.
378
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:31,330
It does not have to be ugly.
379
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:34,875
You just get a load of porn
and sex robots and pillows,
380
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,712
chuck them in the ocean,
and the men will just file in,
381
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:39,214
one after the other.
382
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:43,134
And, look, I am saying this publicly
383
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,720
because I do hope
that when you enact this cull,
384
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:48,223
you will keep me around as a mascot.
385
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,143
And I'll be very good.
I will cook, and I will clean.
386
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,936
And you won't hear a word out of me.
387
00:21:53,937 --> 00:21:57,023
And if at some point
in your new society of only women
388
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:59,942
you do decide you want to procreate,
obviously, I'm not gonna get sex.
389
00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:01,319
Wouldn't want it, wouldn't ask for it.
390
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,238
But if you do want to procreate,
just give me a nod,
391
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:07,242
and I'll leave a little pot of cum
in a safe space.
392
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:16,876
Interesting discovery
being English in your country...
393
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:20,047
I can say "little pot of cum"...
394
00:22:21,048 --> 00:22:23,050
...and you think it's charming.
395
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:28,638
"Little pot of cum" in an English accent
sounds like a kids' book.
396
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:32,059
"The Little Pot of Cum Who Could."
397
00:22:32,976 --> 00:22:35,144
That bit doesn't work
with an American accent.
398
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:36,771
Like, I leave her a little pot of cum.
399
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,273
You're like, oh, God!
400
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:40,399
Please don't do that, sir.
401
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,861
Please, no, keep your cum
to yourself, young man.
402
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:47,406
I've never seen "Downton Abbey,"
but I know it's huge over here.
403
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:51,286
I just assume every episode is like,
Your Lordship, little pot of cum?
404
00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:56,291
What shall we take for Thanksgiving?
Little pot of cum?
405
00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,669
The christening soon--Never mind.
406
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,802
But I think toxic masculinity is real.
I think it's a real thing.
407
00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:11,013
I think it comes, certainly,
from men of my generation and above.
408
00:23:11,014 --> 00:23:12,807
It's because we were raised
not to be open,
409
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:15,351
not to be vulnerable,
that that's bad, that that's weak.
410
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,686
So one of the only things
we can do to combat that is,
411
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:20,064
I think we all need to learn
how to share more.
412
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:23,734
But you ever shared
something with a friend,
413
00:23:23,735 --> 00:23:25,861
and then they've shared something back,
414
00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:30,242
and then you thought, my God,
I wish we'd never shared?
415
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:35,413
Because I have a ex-friend.
416
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:39,750
I have an ex-friend
because of our little sharing session.
417
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:41,252
There's a guy I've known all my life.
418
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,421
I went to school with him,
so we grew up together.
419
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,631
He's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.
420
00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:47,633
If we met now,
we probably wouldn't be friends,
421
00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,427
but I grew up with him,
so he's like family.
422
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,220
I'd defend him to the death.
423
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,848
He's the sort of guy
you say has a heart of gold,
424
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:58,145
which is a phrase you never use for people
who have a heart of gold.
425
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:01,356
"Heart of gold" is a phrase
like, "can I be honest?"
426
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,191
"Can I be honest?" never ends nice.
427
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:06,569
"Can I be honest?"
never ends in "I love you."
428
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:08,654
"Can I be honest?"
always ends with something like,
429
00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:11,741
"The sound of you eating
makes me want to kill myself."
430
00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:17,663
Anyway, friend from school,
known him all my life, heart of gold.
431
00:24:17,664 --> 00:24:20,291
And just a few years ago,
I have this kind of revelation.
432
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:23,085
I'm like, we know nothing
about each other.
433
00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:25,254
We actually know nothing.
We've grown up together.
434
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:28,466
We never talk about anything.
And I said, should we try something?
435
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,675
I said, let's go out.
436
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:33,471
We'll have a few drinks,
and let's try and sort of talk
437
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:36,765
about how we feel and shit.
438
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:41,270
And he said, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
439
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:43,606
And I said, we'll see.
440
00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:45,900
And we went out.
441
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,235
We had a few drinks, and I went first.
442
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:50,446
I said something out loud
I'd never said before.
443
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,323
I was talking
about my girlfriend at the time,
444
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:55,117
and I said, I think I love her.
445
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:56,911
I feel like I love her.
446
00:24:56,912 --> 00:25:00,915
But when I'm out, I am attracted
to other people all the time.
447
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,917
I don't know if that's natural,
that's human nature,
448
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:05,085
or if that means
I don't actually love her.
449
00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:07,129
And he said, yeah.
450
00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:08,714
He said, yeah.
451
00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:10,925
I know what you mean, actually.
452
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:13,220
He said, sometimes...
453
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:16,347
...when it gets
a bit much with my wife,
454
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,391
in my lunch break,
I'll go downtown,
455
00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:23,230
I'll go down an alley,
and I'll get sucked off by a whore.
456
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,249
And I was like, yeah.
457
00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:46,253
Similar, similar...
458
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:48,546
...similar stor--
459
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,923
I can see how my story
led to your story.
460
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,800
Yeah, similar.
461
00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:56,720
And I thought, I actually
don't know what to say now.
462
00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:59,390
He's properly stumped me.
463
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:00,891
Like, I probably shouldn't shame him.
464
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,726
It's all that shame
sending him down alleys.
465
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:05,813
But at the same time,
I have heard, as men,
466
00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,190
we are supposed to call each other out.
467
00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:10,401
So I said to him, look...
468
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:11,653
mate...
469
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:14,656
...we don't say "whore."
470
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:24,291
So, look...
471
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,085
I worry...
472
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,296
I worry...
473
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,091
I worry...
474
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:37,304
...that my fear of embarrassment...
475
00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:42,224
...is far greater than my instinct
476
00:26:42,225 --> 00:26:43,893
to save a life.
477
00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:53,861
Where I live, there's this dog
that lives in my road.
478
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,030
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. Good dog.
479
00:26:56,031 --> 00:26:57,948
It doesn't live in the road.
Like, it is housed.
480
00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:00,034
Like, it has a roommate.
It lives with this woman.
481
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:02,244
But sometimes the dog will be in the road.
482
00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:04,246
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. It's a good dog.
483
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:07,249
So, whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will--
484
00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:08,834
- What word do you say?
- Pet.
485
00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:11,045
Pet. You say, pet, right, yeah?
486
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:13,547
Here is my question for you all.
487
00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:16,551
Did you all just run out of verbs?
488
00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:19,554
Like, it is a pet.
489
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:26,936
You're not dogging your dog,
you know what I mean?
490
00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:29,855
It makes it sound so creepy.
491
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,191
Like, do you want to go out
to the farm and pig the pigs?
492
00:27:32,192 --> 00:27:34,361
No, thank you, Americans.
Thank you.
493
00:27:35,153 --> 00:27:36,571
So gross.
494
00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:39,865
So, anyway, I like this dog,
so whenever I see the dog,
495
00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:41,492
I will stop, and I will stroke it.
496
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:42,952
That sounds worse.
497
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,872
That's wor--Oh, no, look, whenever...
498
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:49,500
I'll stop, and I will touch it.
499
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:50,585
No.
500
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:53,921
I will scruffle it up.
501
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,256
Like, I will get my hands on that dog.
502
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,134
No, you don't--
Like, I'm not--
503
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:02,221
Don't look at me like that.
504
00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,098
I don't want the takeaway
of this show being,
505
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,976
he can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
506
00:28:08,186 --> 00:28:09,895
There's nothing going on between me and--
507
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:12,898
It's platonic between me and the dog,
to be clear, all right?
508
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:14,608
At least for myself.
I can't speak for the dog.
509
00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:15,901
I'm not putting words in the dog's--
510
00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:18,196
I'm not putting anything
in the dog's mouth, okay?
511
00:28:19,197 --> 00:28:21,699
Can't a man and a dog be friends
without the sex part getting in the way?
512
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:24,535
I believe so, yes.
All right?
513
00:28:24,536 --> 00:28:27,413
So, whenever I see this dog,
I will stop,
514
00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:28,914
and I will wave, all right?
515
00:28:28,915 --> 00:28:30,833
I just wave from afar.
516
00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:33,919
And one day, I'm out in the street,
and I see the dog with the woman,
517
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,713
and I stop and have a chat
with the woman, not the dog.
518
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:38,048
And the woman says,
I've got to run an errand.
519
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:40,259
Are you around for a bit?
Do you want to take the dog for a walk?
520
00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:41,552
And I said, I'd love to.
521
00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:44,138
And it was the first time
I'd been alone with the dog,
522
00:28:44,139 --> 00:28:46,641
which I am absolutely allowed to be.
523
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:48,892
I have a certificate.
524
00:28:48,893 --> 00:28:51,646
And I have the dog on a lead.
525
00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:54,023
And I walk the dog to the park.
526
00:28:54,774 --> 00:28:57,026
And I go right into the middle
of the park.
527
00:28:58,027 --> 00:29:00,320
And then I took the lead off.
528
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:03,949
And the dog immediately bolted
529
00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:06,994
straight towards the main road.
530
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,538
And there was, like,
loads of people around.
531
00:29:09,539 --> 00:29:12,040
And I thought like, oh, like--
532
00:29:12,041 --> 00:29:13,459
I don't want to make a scene.
533
00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,961
Like, one of my biggest fears
534
00:29:15,962 --> 00:29:19,757
is becoming a GIF that gets passed around,
like, fucking hell!
535
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,050
You know what I mean?
536
00:29:22,302 --> 00:29:24,471
So I thought...
537
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:27,474
I thought, I'm just gonna let it die.
538
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:32,603
I thought I'd just have to say to her,
oh, the car came out of nowhere,
539
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:33,937
but it didn't.
540
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:36,858
It's a very straight road.
I saw it about a quarter of a mile away.
541
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:38,776
Oh, I didn't hear it coming.
542
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:41,237
It wasn't electric.
It was a gas-guzzling machine.
543
00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:46,284
And it really made me think,
I actually must not have children...
544
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:50,454
...because if I ever had, like,
a dickhead kid,
545
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:53,207
if I ever had, like, a real dickhead kid
546
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,584
and I was out with my dickhead kid
547
00:29:55,585 --> 00:29:58,462
and my dickhead kid
was causing chaos somewhere
548
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,047
and someone was like, whose is this?
549
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:01,299
I'd be like...
550
00:30:04,093 --> 00:30:05,887
I don't know.
He seems awful.
551
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:08,847
And you'd know it was mine.
552
00:30:08,848 --> 00:30:10,892
It would be so hairy.
553
00:30:13,019 --> 00:30:16,438
It's a little werewolf kid
running around like Eddie Munster.
554
00:30:16,439 --> 00:30:17,815
Are you sure you don't know him?
555
00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:19,441
Never seen him in my life.
556
00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:23,321
Why is he calling you "Daddy"?
Get off me, Brett Junior!
557
00:30:28,201 --> 00:30:29,911
Now, look, New Jersey...
558
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,080
...I heard your noises,
559
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,542
so I realized I'm going to have
to say this.
560
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:39,337
Otherwise, you're not going to be able
to enjoy the rest of the show.
561
00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:43,758
The dog survived, all right?
562
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:46,928
All right?
Yes.
563
00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:50,848
You think you're so tough,
but then you can't handle a story
564
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,307
where a dog might have died.
565
00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:54,351
The dog is absolutely fine, okay?
566
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:56,436
What really happened is,
the dog ran this way,
567
00:30:56,437 --> 00:30:58,772
and the dog ran that way,
and we had a lovely walk.
568
00:30:58,773 --> 00:31:01,609
And then I took the dog home,
and we made love, okay?
569
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,363
It was a happy ending for both of us.
570
00:31:06,197 --> 00:31:08,490
Why do you think my child is so hairy?
571
00:31:08,491 --> 00:31:11,702
Unnecessary.
Unnecessary add-on.
572
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:14,163
I'm so sorry.
We were having such a classy evening.
573
00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:18,917
What's that?
574
00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:20,378
My biceps?
575
00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:24,298
Oh, yeah. No, I've been--
576
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:25,716
Yeah, I've been working out, but--
577
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,509
Well, I have to
because I've got to hold this for so long.
578
00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:28,760
Yeah.
579
00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:30,388
Well, we can talk about it if you want.
580
00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:32,974
All right.
Yeah, I go to the gym.
581
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:36,435
I go to the gym.
Sorry about it.
582
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:38,396
Yeah, I go to the gym.
I'll talk about it, fine.
583
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:42,316
I go to the gym.
I go to the gym regularly.
584
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,651
I go to the gym
for spiritual reasons, actually.
585
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:47,196
I go because I would like
to look good naked.
586
00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:50,949
But, truthfully,
the gym that I go to...
587
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,744
I don't actually like this gym.
I sort of hate it.
588
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,871
I only go to it
because it's the nearest one.
589
00:31:55,872 --> 00:31:59,333
But it's a real sort
of testosterone-y gym,
590
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:00,792
if that's not a pizza.
591
00:32:00,793 --> 00:32:05,130
It's like a real sort
of testosterone-y and cheese
592
00:32:05,131 --> 00:32:07,466
deep-dish gym,
you know what I mean?
593
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:10,135
Like, it's always sort of men
just fucking standing around,
594
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,137
fucking moody, staring at each other.
595
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,264
And all I ever want to use
is the weights machine,
596
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:16,350
and there'll always be
someone on it for hours.
597
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:18,769
And, eventually, I'll be like,
can I jump in on that?
598
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:21,856
And they'll be like, fuck off.
And I'll be like, yeah, cool, cool, cool.
599
00:32:22,857 --> 00:32:25,443
I'll just keep doing
body-weight squats.
600
00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:31,657
But something happened
the other day at the gym.
601
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,033
This is completely true.
602
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,744
And this just shows you
the power of music.
603
00:32:35,745 --> 00:32:39,623
Now, I don't know if this was an accident,
someone did this deliberately,
604
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:41,750
or the playlist was
just on random shuffle,
605
00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:45,254
but the song that was playing
in the gym was this...
606
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:51,385
Everyone fucking menacing,
staring each other out,
607
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:53,762
lifting weights,
looking fucking moody.
608
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:57,266
And then the next song came on,
and it was this...
609
00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:07,694
And everything changed.
610
00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:12,281
I don't know if you've ever seen a man
lift weights wistfully.
611
00:33:13,741 --> 00:33:15,117
It's a thing.
612
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:17,704
Man doing push-ups started weeping.
613
00:33:18,496 --> 00:33:20,872
Man on the treadmill
stopped doing hill sprints
614
00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:22,667
and started looking within.
615
00:33:23,710 --> 00:33:25,794
And then the man by the weights machine
came over to me,
616
00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:28,296
and he went, sorry,
I've been so aggressive, bro.
617
00:33:28,297 --> 00:33:31,551
I think it's because my mum didn't give me
enough attention as a child.
618
00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,719
I said, I get that.
619
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,220
He said, do you want
to use the weights?
620
00:33:35,221 --> 00:33:37,515
I said, let's use them together.
621
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:43,104
Lovely.
622
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:46,941
True story.
True story, word for word.
623
00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:49,443
I guess the real weights
624
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:51,738
were the friends
we made along the way.
625
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:56,867
I did, actually, end up making friends
with one of these guys.
626
00:33:56,868 --> 00:34:00,454
You know, there's a thing
with men who work out at the gym.
627
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:03,248
There's a bit I must miss
when people work out too much,
628
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:07,461
where it sort of goes big,
bigger, pyramid, you know what I mean?
629
00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:10,881
Like, sort of, big,
bigger, human Toblerone.
630
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:11,966
And...
631
00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:16,678
I made friends with one
of these Toblerone guys, right?
632
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:21,266
And we used to chat a bit after a workout,
and then he disappeared for a few months.
633
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:22,350
Didn't see him.
634
00:34:22,351 --> 00:34:24,686
Then he came back, and I was like,
where have you been?
635
00:34:24,687 --> 00:34:28,690
And it turned out,
he had taken himself to China
636
00:34:28,691 --> 00:34:32,694
to train to become,
like, a Shaolin warrior or something.
637
00:34:32,695 --> 00:34:34,279
And he came back.
I said, how was it?
638
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:37,867
He said, yeah, it was
fucking amazing, actually.
639
00:34:38,451 --> 00:34:40,327
They used to wake us
at 3:00 in the morning
640
00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:42,579
and beat us with sacks.
641
00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:44,791
I said, that sounds incredible.
642
00:34:45,875 --> 00:34:48,251
And he said, I can kick really high now.
643
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:49,587
And I was like, cool.
644
00:34:51,589 --> 00:34:52,881
I said, how high can you kick?
645
00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:54,926
And he said, I could kick you
in the fucking head.
646
00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,805
Interesting unit of measurement.
647
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:04,059
But he told me something
that I completely believed.
648
00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:06,728
He told me
that because he'd done this training,
649
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:09,481
now, if he was ever in a bar or anywhere
650
00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:12,818
and someone were to start
a fight with him,
651
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:14,945
that now, legally,
652
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:18,490
he had to say three times
653
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:21,202
that he was a lethal weapon...
654
00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:24,372
...before he could engage in combat.
655
00:35:26,207 --> 00:35:30,211
Nothing would escalate
a fight quicker...
656
00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:34,507
...than someone saying,
I'm a lethal weapon.
657
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:38,343
What's that? Did you hear me?
Oh, yeah, we all heard you.
658
00:35:38,344 --> 00:35:41,222
Well, listen again. I'm a lethal weapon.
659
00:35:41,848 --> 00:35:42,889
Should we go outside?
660
00:35:42,890 --> 00:35:46,017
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm a lethal weapon.
661
00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:49,689
What are you--
Douchebag Beetlejuice?
662
00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:56,570
But I actually believed him.
It kind of made sense to me.
663
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:59,823
It's only recently it occurred to me
that if that is true,
664
00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:02,200
that means if one day he kills someone,
665
00:36:02,201 --> 00:36:05,203
then in a court of law,
the judge can just be like,
666
00:36:05,204 --> 00:36:06,371
excuse me, sir, can I check?
667
00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:08,623
Did you say you were
a lethal weapon three times?
668
00:36:08,624 --> 00:36:09,875
I did, yeah.
669
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:12,586
Case dismissed. Not guilty.
670
00:36:12,587 --> 00:36:15,673
She was asleep when I said it,
but I did say it.
671
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:22,096
She's not real.
672
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:25,474
The dog survived.
673
00:36:26,475 --> 00:36:28,895
When will you trust me?
674
00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:34,649
So, of all the issues
we have in the world,
675
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:35,859
and we do have so many,
676
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:37,986
if I may be sincere for a moment,
677
00:36:37,987 --> 00:36:42,032
I think that we have one major issue
that all our other issues stem from,
678
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:44,367
and that issue
is wealth inequality.
679
00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:46,703
I think the gap between rich
and poor is insane.
680
00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:48,246
It seems to be getting worse,
681
00:36:48,247 --> 00:36:50,540
and I think all of our problems
come from that.
682
00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,169
And I think the only way
we can truly start to deal with that is,
683
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,630
I believe
we need to tax the rich.
684
00:36:56,631 --> 00:36:57,924
And...
685
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,427
It's something
I'm very passionate about.
686
00:37:02,428 --> 00:37:05,388
I've been on lots of marches
with my friends about it.
687
00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:06,515
And...
688
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:15,316
And then a couple
of years ago...
689
00:37:21,697 --> 00:37:23,741
...I got a job...
690
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:28,203
...and it was the first time in my life
I'd been sort of fairly well paid.
691
00:37:28,204 --> 00:37:32,040
And I found myself on one
of these marches with my friends.
692
00:37:32,041 --> 00:37:35,293
And I was like, tax the rich!
Tax the rich! Tax...
693
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:38,672
Maybe deal with them
on an individual, case-by-case basis.
694
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:41,466
Like, let's hear them out.
695
00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:46,347
Some of them probably got good hearts,
hearts of gold, if you will.
696
00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:54,145
But I'll tell you the truth, right?
So I was involved in "Ted Lasso," right?
697
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,231
And...
698
00:37:57,900 --> 00:37:59,567
Thank you very much.
699
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:01,820
And I will be forever grateful for it.
700
00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:03,364
It truly changed my life.
701
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:07,785
I had been working for years
and years before that.
702
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:12,790
Turns out, it makes quite a big difference
when people actually watch the thing.
703
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,292
Previous to "Ted Lasso,"
704
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:18,712
I'd just sort of been making stuff
and kind of kicking it down a well.
705
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:22,383
Like, see you later, my 20s.
Absolute waste of time.
706
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:27,137
So I did "Ted Lasso,"
and it changed my life,
707
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:28,930
and I feel very privileged.
708
00:38:28,931 --> 00:38:31,516
And people often come up to me,
and they say, like, what's next?
709
00:38:31,517 --> 00:38:33,143
What have you got going on next?
710
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:37,647
And since you've been
very generous to me, actually,
711
00:38:37,648 --> 00:38:40,608
I will share with you an exclusive.
712
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:42,527
But you can't tell anyone
713
00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:44,946
because the special
won't come out for a while.
714
00:38:44,947 --> 00:38:47,324
Like, I've been in LA.
I've been pitching a show.
715
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:49,326
I'm really excited, but you can't--
716
00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:51,328
I haven't sold it yet. I've come close.
717
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:52,621
Anyway, I'll tell you.
718
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:56,625
So the next show
that I want to make...
719
00:38:57,543 --> 00:39:01,255
...is a show called "MDMA Fighting."
720
00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:06,551
And what it is...
721
00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:10,221
you take two highly skilled
MMA fighters,
722
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:15,143
you dose them up with MDMA
30 minutes before a match,
723
00:39:15,144 --> 00:39:18,813
then half hour later, you stick them
in a cage together, and you go, go.
724
00:39:18,814 --> 00:39:21,067
And they walk towards each other like...
725
00:39:35,414 --> 00:39:37,291
You are so big.
726
00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:41,211
Your skin is so tight.
727
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:43,797
And the referee's like, come on!
And he pushes them together.
728
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:46,007
But they just start
nuzzling each other's necks
729
00:39:46,008 --> 00:39:47,592
and squeezing each other's head.
730
00:39:47,593 --> 00:39:49,052
And he's like, break it up!
731
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:51,012
And they're like, leave us alone!
732
00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:53,598
And they're just cuddling
and cuddling and cuddling.
733
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:54,808
They won't let go of each other.
734
00:39:54,809 --> 00:39:57,143
And they're cuddling
and cuddling, cuddling.
735
00:39:57,144 --> 00:40:00,438
And they end up down on the ground.
They're cuddling.
736
00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:02,816
And then they lie there arm in arm,
737
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,486
and then they look up,
and one of them goes...
738
00:40:06,487 --> 00:40:08,114
It's a cage.
739
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:12,450
And the other one goes,
when you think about it,
740
00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:14,328
is it all a cage?
741
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:24,505
Thank you.
742
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:27,257
Thank you very much, yeah.
743
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,801
The pitches are going well, you know.
744
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:32,388
Mark Cuban is a yes, so we'll see.
745
00:40:35,182 --> 00:40:37,600
Just a warning,
this next thing I'm gonna say
746
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:40,061
is the most controversial thing
I'm gonna say tonight,
747
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:41,438
so just strap in.
748
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:43,064
Like, we'll get through this bit,
749
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,942
and then it's easy
from here on out, all right?
750
00:40:45,734 --> 00:40:47,736
Well, look, I'm gonna say this...
751
00:40:48,737 --> 00:40:51,656
...because I do actually think
it's important to speak your truth,
752
00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:54,284
and I don't want to pretend
I'm something I'm not anymore.
753
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:57,955
So I'm just gonna say it,
then it's been said, okay?
754
00:40:59,748 --> 00:41:02,459
I love musicals.
755
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:03,878
All right?
756
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:08,173
I love musicals.
757
00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:10,091
I'm not gonna pretend I don't anymore.
758
00:41:10,092 --> 00:41:11,926
I do actually love musicals.
759
00:41:11,927 --> 00:41:16,557
I love musicals, but I hate plays.
760
00:41:17,558 --> 00:41:20,978
Plays are boring, and you all know it.
761
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:25,899
Once you've enjoyed a musical,
it's very difficult to get back to a play.
762
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:29,694
Once you've experienced the majesty
of "Defying Gravity,"
763
00:41:29,695 --> 00:41:33,490
very difficult to get anything
out of, "To be or not to be."
764
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,825
You're talking.
Plays are boring.
765
00:41:35,826 --> 00:41:37,577
Plays are boring.
766
00:41:37,578 --> 00:41:41,789
And anyone who tells you otherwise
is lying to you and themselves.
767
00:41:41,790 --> 00:41:44,210
Chekhov can fuck off.
768
00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:48,129
And Shakespeare...
769
00:41:48,130 --> 00:41:50,799
why are we still talking about this cunt?
770
00:41:52,259 --> 00:41:54,803
I went to see "Romeo and Juliet."
771
00:41:55,429 --> 00:41:59,225
It is an exact rip-off
of "West Side Story."
772
00:42:02,394 --> 00:42:06,731
You think I'm not gonna notice
'cause you took the clicking out, William?
773
00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:07,942
Come on!
774
00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:11,236
And if Shakespeare
is such a genius writer,
775
00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:13,571
let's talk about the plotting
of "Romeo and Juliet."
776
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:15,740
First two acts, fine.
Star-crossed lovers, fine.
777
00:42:15,741 --> 00:42:18,368
Then what happens is, Juliet says,
I want to marry Romeo.
778
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,662
Her dad says no,
and he locks her in a bedroom
779
00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:22,038
with a priest and a nurse.
780
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,122
Okay.
781
00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,415
She says, what will I do?
782
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:25,959
The priest says, I've got an idea.
783
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:29,255
Never a good sign when a priest says
to a child, I have an idea.
784
00:42:30,631 --> 00:42:32,757
He says, I've got this poison.
785
00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:35,677
I haven't really tried it,
but I'm pretty sure if you take it,
786
00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:38,137
you'll be dead for 48 hours.
787
00:42:38,138 --> 00:42:41,182
They'll have a funeral. They'll mourn you.
They'll leave you in a crypt.
788
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:43,434
And then in two days,
Romeo can come along.
789
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,562
You'll wake up,
and you two can run off.
790
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:49,858
If Shakespeare is such a good writer,
the next line should be Juliet saying...
791
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:53,862
...does anyone have
any other ideas?
792
00:42:55,906 --> 00:42:58,492
That sounds fucking mental.
793
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:01,828
No, Juliet, it's always
the most obvious thing.
794
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:04,581
It's got to be the 48-hour poison thing.
795
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,583
Can we not just sneak out the back?
796
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:09,919
No, sorry. It's got to be
the old 48-hour poison.
797
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:11,796
What, you're saying
they'll have a funeral?
798
00:43:11,797 --> 00:43:12,880
Yeah.
799
00:43:12,881 --> 00:43:15,259
What if they cremate me?
You're overthinking it, Juliet.
800
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:20,889
I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
couldn't tell you which.
801
00:43:22,891 --> 00:43:24,809
I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
couldn't tell you which.
802
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:26,811
They're both gibberish, right?
803
00:43:26,812 --> 00:43:30,732
This is how low people's bar
was for entertainment.
804
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:33,860
In the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
doesn't matter which--
805
00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:38,448
in the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"
one of the characters says this...
806
00:43:38,449 --> 00:43:40,450
"Well, yes...
807
00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:43,244
as the hare, the lion."
808
00:43:43,245 --> 00:43:45,955
And people laughed.
809
00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:49,542
I was fucking fuming.
810
00:43:49,543 --> 00:43:52,795
I was stalking the aisles,
like, are you fucking kidding me?
811
00:43:52,796 --> 00:43:55,214
This is seriously doing it for you?
812
00:43:55,215 --> 00:43:57,467
I said, take yourself
to an open-mic comedy night,
813
00:43:57,468 --> 00:43:59,469
listen to someone ask
where the Peruvians are at,
814
00:43:59,470 --> 00:44:01,722
and it'll blow the brains
out of your head.
815
00:44:04,558 --> 00:44:06,601
And, look, I am well aware
that one day I will do a play,
816
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:08,811
and this clip will be used against me.
817
00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:10,271
But let me be very clear.
818
00:44:10,272 --> 00:44:11,856
I never said it isn't fun to do a play.
819
00:44:11,857 --> 00:44:14,275
It's really fun to do a play.
It's just boring to watch them.
820
00:44:14,276 --> 00:44:15,736
Please come see my play.
821
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:24,786
I hate plays,
but I love musicals,
822
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:28,374
'cause a musical is like
a play where stuff happens.
823
00:44:29,583 --> 00:44:32,585
But as much as I love a musical,
and I do love a musical,
824
00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:35,129
I could never be in a musical.
825
00:44:35,130 --> 00:44:37,090
And it's not because
I can't sing or dance.
826
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:38,175
I can't.
827
00:44:39,635 --> 00:44:43,304
It's more because
as much as I love a musical,
828
00:44:43,305 --> 00:44:46,392
I could never do the face...
829
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,103
...that every actor has to do
830
00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,105
at the start of every musical
831
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:55,984
without wanting
to, you know, self-harm.
832
00:44:57,861 --> 00:45:00,029
Since we're filming this,
I will try it for you, right?
833
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:01,572
I'm gonna try the face.
834
00:45:01,573 --> 00:45:04,242
Now, you've all seen a musical, right?
835
00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:06,911
Some are silly. Some are difficult.
Some are deep. Some are frivolous.
836
00:45:06,912 --> 00:45:10,707
All musicals begin
with an actor coming onstage,
837
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,418
doing this face.
838
00:45:29,101 --> 00:45:31,018
New York City, I made it!
839
00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:32,813
Fuck it, I'll be sick in my own mouth.
840
00:45:35,274 --> 00:45:38,819
All right, we are now
at the relationship section of the show.
841
00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:42,740
Do we have any marrieds here?
842
00:45:44,324 --> 00:45:45,826
So many marrieds.
843
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,911
Are you a married?
How long have you been married?
844
00:45:48,912 --> 00:45:50,288
Almost 30 years.
845
00:45:50,289 --> 00:45:53,250
Almost 30 fucking years? Respect.
846
00:45:54,376 --> 00:45:56,669
That sounds like a record.
Can anyone beat that?
847
00:45:56,670 --> 00:45:57,754
47!
848
00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:00,048
40-fucking-7 over here.
849
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:02,383
This is now a very weird auction.
850
00:46:02,384 --> 00:46:04,052
No one wins anything, but...
851
00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:05,970
...but you do win our respect.
852
00:46:05,971 --> 00:46:09,557
47, listen, I am not going
to make fun of the marrieds.
853
00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:11,601
I got nothing but respect
for the marrieds.
854
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:12,769
I've never been married.
855
00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:15,313
I never made a vow
in front of God or the law.
856
00:46:15,314 --> 00:46:19,067
But you did,
and I'm sure you meant it...
857
00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:22,112
...at the time.
858
00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:25,656
I've never been married.
859
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:28,618
And the truth is,
I never wanted to be married.
860
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:31,037
And it's only recently
it occurs to me why.
861
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,622
And I think it's actually
'cause of comedy.
862
00:46:32,623 --> 00:46:35,208
I think comedy ruined marriage for me,
863
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:38,044
'cause I grew up obsessed
with stand-up and sitcoms,
864
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:41,631
which means my whole life,
I saw one stereotype of what marriage is.
865
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:45,218
I thought what marriage is, is where a man
lives in a house with a woman
866
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:48,221
who never, ever, ever wants
to have sex with him again.
867
00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:50,223
You know what I mean?
Like, all sitcoms, they're always like,
868
00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:53,727
Debra, why ain't we fucking?
You know what I mean? Like...
869
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:56,897
Thursdays on NBC...
870
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,609
...Frigid Frida is back.
You know what I mean?
871
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,903
And I always thought,
I mean, I like sex.
872
00:47:03,904 --> 00:47:06,113
That sounds awful.
Why would you do that?
873
00:47:06,114 --> 00:47:08,074
But, recently,
I've been speaking
874
00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:11,118
to lots of straight couples
in long-term relationships,
875
00:47:11,119 --> 00:47:13,663
and I've been asking them
about their sex lives
876
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:15,916
because I am a pervert...
877
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:19,545
...and I don't understand
the basics of small talk.
878
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:24,549
And what I have discovered
in the overwhelming majority
879
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,678
is that this stereotype
is the wrong way around.
880
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:31,389
Most of the men I speak to are like,
yeah, we have enough sex.
881
00:47:31,390 --> 00:47:34,142
Most of the women think
they're not having enough sex.
882
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:38,230
And the reason it's gone
so deathly quiet...
883
00:47:40,315 --> 00:47:42,442
...is because that is true.
884
00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:46,363
Holy fuck, that was tense.
885
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:53,370
So, if that is the case,
and, oh, boy, it definitely is...
886
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:56,789
...then why is it the case now?
887
00:47:56,790 --> 00:47:59,960
Luckily, I have a theory.
Otherwise, this bit would go nowhere.
888
00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:03,880
I think it's because sex is weird, right?
889
00:48:03,881 --> 00:48:06,799
Sex is weird, particularly how I do it.
890
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:08,176
Like...
891
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:11,471
Guys, the dog survived.
No, look...
892
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,517
Sex is weird.
Sex is weird, particularly starting sex.
893
00:48:16,518 --> 00:48:19,228
I find the beginning of sex so stressful.
894
00:48:19,229 --> 00:48:22,982
I feel the same way about sex
as I do about taking ecstasy.
895
00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:24,901
Like, in the build-up, I'm always nervous.
896
00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:26,527
Oh, God, I hope
it's all gonna be all right.
897
00:48:26,528 --> 00:48:30,198
Once I'm doing it, I'm like,
why aren't I always doing this?
898
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:35,328
And it's because these are two
very different states of being, right?
899
00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:38,331
One is like being a human.
One is like being an animal.
900
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:41,500
It's quite a big hump you have to get over
to get from one state to the other.
901
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:43,127
And everyone has to do it.
902
00:48:43,128 --> 00:48:45,922
Like, even, like, someone doing
a TED Talk, right?
903
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:47,548
Someone doing a TED Talk.
904
00:48:47,549 --> 00:48:51,428
So they're like, oh, yes,
the universe or whatever.
905
00:48:53,138 --> 00:48:56,557
That same person,
just a couple of hours later,
906
00:48:56,558 --> 00:48:58,185
can be like this...
907
00:49:04,232 --> 00:49:07,360
That's not how I do it, just to be--
908
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:08,654
I'm trying to make a point.
909
00:49:09,863 --> 00:49:11,155
This isn't exactly--
910
00:49:11,156 --> 00:49:13,866
You know, it's just an exaggeration.
911
00:49:13,867 --> 00:49:15,952
Everyone has to do it.
Smart people--
912
00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:18,788
Albert Einstein one day
was like, E equals MC-squared.
913
00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:20,207
And then later, he was like...
914
00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:25,252
Such a big hump to get
from one state to the other.
915
00:49:25,253 --> 00:49:29,715
That's why I think being sexually rejected
is the most humiliating thing,
916
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,592
'cause it's like,
you're on a date with someone,
917
00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:34,387
and you misread the cues, and you're like,
oh, time to become the animal.
918
00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:38,599
So you put on paws and a monkey mask,
and you try to get over the hump.
919
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:39,976
And she's like,
what do you think you're doing?
920
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:43,187
And you're like, absolutely nothing,
nothing at all, nothing at all.
921
00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,482
I was enjoying all the conversing.
More, please.
922
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:48,402
It was like watching a play.
I loved it.
923
00:49:50,278 --> 00:49:54,365
And that's why I think
in the beginning of a relationship,
924
00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:57,827
it's easy for a man to initiate sex,
925
00:49:57,828 --> 00:50:01,080
because she doesn't know you.
926
00:50:01,081 --> 00:50:04,792
So you can tell yourself,
I'm a big, strong animal.
927
00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:07,461
I'm a big, strong monkey animal man.
928
00:50:07,462 --> 00:50:10,715
And you can get over that hump
and initiate sex.
929
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:13,927
But once you've been with someone
for, like...
930
00:50:14,928 --> 00:50:16,513
...three weeks...
931
00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:20,433
...every time you're gearing up
to get over that hump,
932
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:23,269
part of you is going,
I'm a big, strong monkey animal.
933
00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:27,231
I'm a big, strong animal,
but she did see me cry
934
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:31,236
through the finale
of "The Great British Bake Off."
935
00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:35,949
Those beautiful fucking scones.
936
00:50:38,326 --> 00:50:42,038
So I've never been married, right?
But I think I've done...
937
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,081
I've tried most of the kind
of relationships you can do.
938
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:47,753
I've done short-term, medium-term,
long-term, lease.
939
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:52,673
The furthest I ever got is,
last year, I lived with someone.
940
00:50:52,674 --> 00:50:55,593
And living with someone
was a real game changer,
941
00:50:55,594 --> 00:50:58,679
because previous to that,
I thought what having a girlfriend was--
942
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,681
I thought that's
where you meet up with someone
943
00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:03,392
three or four times a week,
and when you meet up with them,
944
00:51:03,393 --> 00:51:07,063
you show them the 4% of yourself
945
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:10,733
that is acceptable for public consumption.
946
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:13,694
And when you feel the 96% bubbling up,
947
00:51:13,695 --> 00:51:16,489
you say, I've had a lovely time.
Let's catch up soon.
948
00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,367
You rush home, you close the door,
and you regenerate.
949
00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:22,036
She was in my house.
950
00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:26,040
Day 2, the 96% was everywhere.
951
00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:30,170
She thought I was a fucking weirdo
'cause I cook everything in a wok.
952
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:35,007
But, like, if it's good enough
for stir fry,
953
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:36,968
it's good enough for oatmeal.
954
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:44,600
And I have a system for getting dressed
that used to drive her insane.
955
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:48,771
I'm gonna share this system with you,
and it will change your lives.
956
00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:50,106
This is how I get dressed, right?
957
00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:52,233
The end of the day,
when I'm finished with my clothes,
958
00:51:52,234 --> 00:51:54,318
I take them off,
and I put them in the washer.
959
00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:56,362
When the washing is full, I turn it on.
960
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,240
I then move everything to the dryer,
and I turn that on.
961
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:00,741
And then when that's done,
962
00:52:00,742 --> 00:52:04,745
I then get dressed out of the dryer,
963
00:52:04,746 --> 00:52:07,207
and the cycle continues.
964
00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:11,544
What I am not doing is wasting my life
965
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:14,631
on this middleman we call drawers.
966
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:17,550
I'm not taking all the clothes.
967
00:52:17,551 --> 00:52:22,138
Quick, we must hide our other clothes.
People are coming to the house.
968
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:24,850
If they see we have other clothes,
they'll kill us.
969
00:52:25,684 --> 00:52:28,561
They must never know that we have
more clothes than what we're wearing.
970
00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:32,022
Quick! Hide them properly.
Take them fully upstairs.
971
00:52:32,023 --> 00:52:34,567
You must hide them and fold them.
Put them in boxes.
972
00:52:34,568 --> 00:52:37,361
They must never see we have other clothes.
973
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:39,738
Oh, my God do you know what I need?
Some of those other clothes.
974
00:52:39,739 --> 00:52:43,784
I better go back up the stairs
and open the boxes and unfold the thing.
975
00:52:43,785 --> 00:52:47,246
The years and years that I have saved.
976
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:49,790
Do you want to know how I won two Emmys?
977
00:52:49,791 --> 00:52:51,877
Because I had fucking time.
978
00:53:02,470 --> 00:53:04,264
So I'm single now.
979
00:53:05,807 --> 00:53:08,184
No, I'm single by choice.
980
00:53:08,185 --> 00:53:09,269
Her choice.
981
00:53:10,270 --> 00:53:11,896
No, it was actually mutual.
982
00:53:11,897 --> 00:53:15,024
We came to the mutual agreement
that I was a prick
983
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:18,027
and she should marry her ex, but...
984
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:19,905
No, it's fine. She's dead.
985
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,493
That, you're delighted by?
986
00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,496
This is a strange group of people.
987
00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:37,923
69!
988
00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:42,636
69!
989
00:53:44,971 --> 00:53:46,306
69!
990
00:53:48,558 --> 00:53:50,517
69.
991
00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,228
It's another 45 minutes of this.
992
00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:55,439
69, the sex move.
993
00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:57,525
69, the position.
994
00:53:58,318 --> 00:54:01,237
Not for me.
I hate it, in case you're wondering.
995
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:03,656
Literally, no one asked.
I'm telling you anyway.
996
00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:06,659
I hate a 69. I hate a 69.
997
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:08,328
And I'll tell you for why.
998
00:54:09,162 --> 00:54:13,959
I can't rub my belly
and pat my head at the same time.
999
00:54:19,172 --> 00:54:20,422
It's sex.
1000
00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:22,759
It's not Cirque du fucking Soleil.
1001
00:54:23,885 --> 00:54:28,472
Like, yes, it's important to share,
but you can take turns.
1002
00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:31,184
A 69 always ends in an 11...
1003
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:37,190
Just two people lying next to each other,
feeling smelly and ashamed.
1004
00:54:39,442 --> 00:54:42,195
I much prefer a 16...
1005
00:54:43,196 --> 00:54:46,574
...which is bum sex
with a pregnant lady.
1006
00:54:50,787 --> 00:54:52,580
I don't know if that's making the edit.
1007
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,711
Fucking hell.
1008
00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:02,965
All right, we should probably start
wrapping up fairly soon.
1009
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:05,718
So, look, the last thing
I want to tell you about...
1010
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:07,344
I talked about love and relationships.
1011
00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:11,557
One thing I haven't told you
is I once truly, genuinely experienced
1012
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,017
love at first sight.
1013
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:15,311
I went to this party.
This woman turned around.
1014
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:18,605
Our eyes locked, and I was like,
shit, fuck, I'm in love.
1015
00:55:18,606 --> 00:55:21,401
Like, that's a real thing,
love at first sight, right?
1016
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:28,033
If you're in a couple not nodding at that,
that is a long drive home.
1017
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:30,409
Did you hear what he said?
1018
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:31,494
Yeah, I heard.
1019
00:55:32,620 --> 00:55:35,248
He can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
1020
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:39,960
Honestly, I met this woman.
Our eyes locked.
1021
00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:41,754
It's embarrassing
what happened in my head.
1022
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:45,174
When I saw this woman, the first thought
I had was, oh, nothing matters.
1023
00:55:45,175 --> 00:55:47,844
We can just live in fields
and eat berries.
1024
00:55:49,262 --> 00:55:50,929
And me and this woman got together.
1025
00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:54,141
And now, this woman, she's
half Irish and half Chinese,
1026
00:55:54,142 --> 00:55:56,143
which means she's incredibly beautiful
1027
00:55:56,144 --> 00:55:58,646
and I am never allowed
to do an impression of her.
1028
00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:01,982
Where are all my "Chirish" at?
1029
00:56:01,983 --> 00:56:03,276
Anyway...
1030
00:56:06,988 --> 00:56:09,365
So we got together, and we were in love.
1031
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:11,075
I think this is love.
Is this love?
1032
00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:13,994
Is love when you text each other
back and forth all day--
1033
00:56:13,995 --> 00:56:17,498
text, text, text, text, text, text, text,
text, text, text, text, text, text, text--
1034
00:56:17,499 --> 00:56:20,667
and then if, at some point, she doesn't
immediately reply to one of your texts,
1035
00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:22,670
you're like, right,
she's having an affair?
1036
00:56:23,296 --> 00:56:26,215
Right, she's not texted back.
She has a dick in her. Okay.
1037
00:56:26,216 --> 00:56:29,427
And it's a bigger dick than mine.
She's finally satisfied. Okay.
1038
00:56:29,969 --> 00:56:31,804
Oh, another dick must have joined,
so her hands are full.
1039
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:34,014
She can't send a text. Okay.
1040
00:56:34,015 --> 00:56:36,225
Oh, another dick must have joined,
and now it's in her mouth.
1041
00:56:36,226 --> 00:56:38,311
Otherwise, she'd tell Siri
to drop me a line.
1042
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:40,813
I knew this would happen.
I'm a fucking idiot.
1043
00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,065
And then 25 minutes later,
she texts back, sorry, baby.
1044
00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:44,400
I was at the gym.
Miss you.
1045
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:46,694
And you're like, all right, a bit needy.
1046
00:56:49,155 --> 00:56:50,656
Is that love?
1047
00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:52,866
And there's a real madness
to this kind of love.
1048
00:56:52,867 --> 00:56:55,202
Like, I look back at the texts
we were sending each other.
1049
00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:58,038
I'm like, are these love notes
or death threats?
1050
00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:00,249
Like, the insane things
you say to each other,
1051
00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:01,834
like, I can't wait to be back with you.
1052
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:03,836
I can't wait to be kissing you.
I can't wait to be on top of you.
1053
00:57:03,837 --> 00:57:07,257
I can't wait to cut off your skin
and wear you as a Slanket.
1054
00:57:08,508 --> 00:57:10,134
And you sort of lose all reason.
1055
00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:11,427
You kind of lie in bed together.
1056
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:14,179
Like, we actually don't have
to go to work today, do we?
1057
00:57:14,180 --> 00:57:16,014
We don't have to go to work.
We're in love.
1058
00:57:16,015 --> 00:57:18,434
As if your boss is in the office going,
where's Brett today?
1059
00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:20,436
Oh, he can't come in, sir.
He's in love.
1060
00:57:20,437 --> 00:57:22,480
We must give him paid time off.
1061
00:57:23,398 --> 00:57:25,107
And you become really sort of dirty.
1062
00:57:25,108 --> 00:57:27,151
You just sort of lie there,
like, don't leave the bed.
1063
00:57:27,152 --> 00:57:28,444
Don't go have a shower.
1064
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:31,531
We can just lie here passing
back and forth the same UTI.
1065
00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:36,161
Cranberry juice, my angel?
1066
00:57:40,373 --> 00:57:43,625
Now, it may not shock you to discover
1067
00:57:43,626 --> 00:57:45,962
that that relationship ended.
1068
00:57:46,963 --> 00:57:49,882
And when it ended, I spoke to my sister.
1069
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:52,468
Now, my sister is the opposite of me.
1070
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:56,556
My sister, she's married.
She's got children. She's happy.
1071
00:57:58,766 --> 00:58:02,478
And I said to her,
I said, was I wrong about this?
1072
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:05,981
And she said, Brett, you're wrong
about literally everything.
1073
00:58:05,982 --> 00:58:07,900
And I said, no, was I wrong about love?
1074
00:58:07,901 --> 00:58:10,110
And she said, yeah, of course
you were wrong about love.
1075
00:58:10,111 --> 00:58:12,696
She said, love is...
1076
00:58:12,697 --> 00:58:17,618
she said, when you find your soulmate,
1077
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:22,207
you will feel completely at peace.
1078
00:58:23,791 --> 00:58:25,001
And I was like...
1079
00:58:26,961 --> 00:58:29,005
Then that definitely wasn't love.
1080
00:58:30,006 --> 00:58:32,592
That was a fucking nightmare.
I don't think I slept.
1081
00:58:33,384 --> 00:58:38,180
And I've thought about it a lot because
I suspect that she's probably right.
1082
00:58:38,181 --> 00:58:41,350
But if my sister's right,
1083
00:58:41,351 --> 00:58:44,937
that means
that all your favorite love songs,
1084
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:47,314
none of them are actually about love.
1085
00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:50,359
These are all just songs about addiction.
1086
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,820
They're all just Cookie Monster songs.
1087
00:58:53,571 --> 00:58:54,571
You know what I mean?
1088
00:58:54,572 --> 00:58:57,157
You know the types of songs, where
it's like, our love is a roller coaster.
1089
00:58:57,158 --> 00:58:59,159
The house is on fire.
Let's cut our dicks off.
1090
00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:00,620
You know what I mean?
1091
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:04,540
Because if my sister is right,
1092
00:59:04,541 --> 00:59:08,253
then all love songs
should go like this.
1093
00:59:21,099 --> 00:59:24,977
I feel so comfortable
1094
00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:28,481
Sitting on a couch with you
1095
00:59:29,065 --> 00:59:33,235
Watching a box set for an hour
1096
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:36,863
Maybe watch another one, too
1097
00:59:36,864 --> 00:59:41,243
If you have to work late at the office
1098
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:44,580
I won't criticize
1099
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:48,208
'Cause I trust you,
and I know you love me
1100
00:59:48,209 --> 00:59:52,421
And for you, my penis is the right size
1101
00:59:52,422 --> 00:59:59,512
For you, my penis is the right size
1102
01:00:03,308 --> 01:00:06,519
Thank you very much, New Jersey!
Good night!
1103
01:00:14,110 --> 01:00:15,736
Brett, great show.
1104
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:17,029
Thanks, Mo.
1105
01:00:17,030 --> 01:00:19,699
Hey, do you know if the red squirrel came?
1106
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:23,243
No. The Red Squirrel didn't come.
1107
01:00:23,244 --> 01:00:25,329
- What about Big Bear?
- No.
1108
01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:27,122
Crazy Orange Bird?
1109
01:00:27,123 --> 01:00:28,665
Hot Dogs?
1110
01:00:28,666 --> 01:00:29,876
No, Brett.
1111
01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:31,502
Okay.
1112
01:00:32,253 --> 01:00:34,130
Well, at least Buddy G was there.
1113
01:00:34,797 --> 01:00:38,926
Brett, we've been over this.
These friends of yours, they're not real.
1114
01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:42,680
Okay.
1115
01:00:43,973 --> 01:00:45,141
I'll see you at the diner.
1116
01:00:45,892 --> 01:00:47,184
Yeah.
1117
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:48,269
Cool.
1118
01:00:49,395 --> 01:00:52,189
Great show, Brett!
You were fantastic.
1119
01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,066
- You were just wonderful.
- Wow.
1120
01:00:54,067 --> 01:00:56,902
- Okay, good!
- So many bad words! Loved it!
1121
01:00:56,903 --> 01:00:58,654
Yeah, we're going
to the diner to celebrate.
1122
01:00:58,655 --> 01:01:00,864
- Come on.
- You're very bad at impressions.
1123
01:01:00,865 --> 01:01:03,659
- Oi! Don't be rude.
- Clear off. Be nice.
1124
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:06,286
- We'll meet you at the diner.
- Yeah, you try following your dreams.
1125
01:01:06,287 --> 01:01:09,039
Hey. You did good.
1126
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:11,291
Thanks, Buddy G.
1127
01:01:11,292 --> 01:01:12,834
I didn't think you'd come.
1128
01:01:12,835 --> 01:01:16,088
Are you kidding me?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
1129
01:01:16,089 --> 01:01:18,006
Come on, let's go get something to eat.
1130
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:19,884
- Come on.
- Okay.
1131
01:01:25,890 --> 01:01:26,974
Come on, Buddy.