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[TV static drones]

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[bright tone]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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<i>[scattered cheers
and applause]</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>- Start the clock.</i>

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[cheers and applause]

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<i>[dynamic rock music]</i>

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<i>♪ ♪</i>

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- Wow, that's so nice of you.

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Thank you so much.

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I love you back.
Thank you, Chicago.

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Always one of my
favorite cities.

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I'm so glad I'm doing
this here finally.

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Wow. Thank you so much.

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That makes me feel so great.

17
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I've always loved this town.

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Hope you're in a good mood.

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We're gonna have fun tonight.
Good.

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00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:58,807
'Cause hope you're not
brooding about the election.

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'Cause if you are, you're in
the wrong building here, okay?

22
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I'm not doing that shit again.

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You know what?

24
00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,190
It could--could it be bad? Yes.

25
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,484
Trump could blow up
the world on the first day.

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Absolutely.

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He could also sit there
and eat cheeseburgers

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for four years and call in

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to "Fox and Friends"
every morning.

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I don't know.
He's too unpredictable.

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So he got
the White House again,

32
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but he's not gonna get my mind.

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[cheers and applause]

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Okay?

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And tonight, we are going to
celebrate progress.

36
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America still makes a lot
of progress, you know?

37
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It's like--

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and liberals are bad
at celebrating progress.

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You'd think they'd want to.

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Progressive--it's in the name.

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It's the product
you're selling.

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[laughter]

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But, you know, it interferes
with virtue signaling.

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And you're always safe to say--
[one person laughs]

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Thank you, one guy.

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[laughter]

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[laughs]

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You're always safe to say,
there's work to be done.

49
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Well, yes, always.
We're humans on Earth.

50
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There's always work to be done.

51
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But we've also made a lot of
progress in a lot of areas.

52
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I mean,
take something like pot.

53
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I know I will.

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The fact that I can
travel this country now

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without sweating bullets
like I did for years and years,

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worrying that the fucking dog
at the airport

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was gonna knock me out
because he found a roach

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in my shaving kit or something.

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I swear to God, for years,
this is how I traveled.

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I took this much pot, and I
put it in Kleenex in a ball

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and hid it under my nuts.

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I swear to God, I did that.

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I smoked my own ball sweat for,
like, 30 years on the road,

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and now I don't have to.

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Progress.

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I remember the first time

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I went to a legal dispensary,
after so many years

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of being furtive
about this shit,

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I was, like,
literally emotional.

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Really.

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I remember saying to
the guy, thank you.

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Thank you for
opening this place

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and making me feel
like a free citizen

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whose participation
in our hallowed democracy

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is now more complete.

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And he said, sir,
this is a Baskin-Robbins.

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So that's where
the story breaks down, but--

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but look, Kamala Harris
was bad on pot,

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put thousands of people
in jail, and then changed.

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Am I mad at her? No.

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That's progress.
That's how it happens.

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Obama was against gay marriage
his whole first term.

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Am I mad at him? No.

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That's how progress happens.

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You know?
But the--

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the social justice warriors
have this idea in their head

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that, you know, people who
lived 500 years ago really

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should have known better.

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Yeah, like you would
have, you know.

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George Washington had slaves.

91
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Yeah, so did
everybody back then,

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including people of color

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in other parts of the world.
[scattered applause]

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We're not applauding
slavery, are we?

95
00:04:03,826 --> 00:04:05,327
This is not an applause thing.

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00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,579
It's just
a factual history thing.

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But--

98
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but it's just something
everybody did.

99
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The Greeks did it,
the Romans, the Egyptians,

100
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,006
the Arabs, the British,
all the way up to P. Diddy.

101
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What? We're in Chicago.

102
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We can talk freely.

103
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So there's always
work to be done.

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I mean, pick up a newspaper.

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You know, it's just
a journal of work to be done.

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It's not mostly good news.

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I was reading something
the other day.

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This is very random, but okay.

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Like, North Carolina
last year--

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this is last year--

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Changed the law of when
you could eligibly marry.

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It was 14.

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And now it's 16,
which I still--

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I'm not kidding.

115
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They raised it from 14 to 16,
which is still too young.

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16--a lot of these kids
haven't even

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started transitioning yet.

118
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What?

119
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:06,722
Can't we give them time

120
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:10,267
to be kids and do the things
kids have always done,

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like get read to
by drag queens?

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Just normal.

123
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No--and we love drag.

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Drag queens, yes, okay.

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Good.

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Now we know
we're the good people.

127
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We're good people.
We like drag queens.

128
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We're good people.
Okay, but can we now get real?

129
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Because I have--
this whole thing, I feel like,

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is much more for the adults
than it is for the kids,

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00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,458
not that I think that
the kids are really hurt by it.

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But do we really need
to be loud and proud

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00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:39,212
with five-year-olds?

134
00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,672
You know, I think
there's plenty of time

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for them to learn about
drag queens and dildos

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and why Daddy has two phones.

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I mean, is it really
so hard in this country

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just to not be exotic?

139
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Really?

140
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Where are my unexciting people?

141
00:05:58,274 --> 00:05:59,775
Where are they?

142
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,195
How about a hand for
the run-of-the-mill?

143
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,490
What about for the unremarkable
of us in the world, you know?

144
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,492
And I want everybody
at my shows.

145
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I think we have to learn
to sit together.

146
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:12,913
I want everything
from the spectrum.

147
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:18,502
I want from super woke
to QAnon in this crowd.

148
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,588
What? No QAnon people?

149
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,757
I love the QAnon people.

150
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,635
The QAnon people,

151
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:30,555
they think that
Democrats eat babies

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00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,391
and that they're pedophiles.

153
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,309
And I don't think
you can do both.

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I don't know.

155
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:39,147
I mean, if you're a pedophile
who eats babies,

156
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,442
who are you gonna fuck
in five years?

157
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,905
Come on.

158
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,784
Get it out of there.

159
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,455
No, the QAnon people think
that Hillary Clinton ran

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00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:58,417
a pedophile ring out of a--
you know this--

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00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,002
out of a pizza parlor
in Washington D.C.

162
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:04,506
They believe in Jewish space
lasers, whatever that is.

163
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:07,884
They think a lot of the world's
elite are lizard people.

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00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,511
Lizard people.

165
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,805
Yeah, like George Bush
was one, and Queen Elizabeth.

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00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,598
You know, you see them out.
They look normal.

167
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:16,727
But, you know, you--
sometimes you catch them.

168
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,109
No wonder they put chips in the
vaccine to track these people.

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I mean, come on.

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I'm kidding.

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They didn't do that.

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But, uh--oh, speaking
of that, I must say,

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what a pleasure it is,
after two years, of having

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to hear laughs through masks--
[muffled laughter]

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Bad for comedy--

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00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,374
to now see these
beautiful faces.

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00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,585
And if you're--

178
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,087
and if you're--you know what?

179
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,175
If you still have a mask,
I completely respect that.

180
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:51,888
I think you're a fucking idiot,
but I completely respect it.

181
00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:56,099
Well, I mean, unless you
have some serious condition.

182
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,309
And then why are you out?

183
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,477
You know?

184
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,437
It's like, if you're
a hemophiliac,

185
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,607
don't go to Benihana, okay?

186
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:09,237
'Cause I'm not doing it again,
the whole pandemic thing,

187
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,697
unless it's bubonic plague.

188
00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:12,324
And then I'll fight you
for the vaccine.

189
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,867
But, I mean, not again.

190
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,495
I mean, the whole thing
was so surreal,

191
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,830
the way we went mental
for two years.

192
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:22,709
And then just suddenly, boom,
just right back to--mm.

193
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:25,546
It was like--it was like,
boy, I had a weird dream.

194
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,673
I mean, we were eating dinner
in the parking lot.

195
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:29,759
I--

196
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,179
Sorry.

197
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:38,225
And I went to
Cirque Du Soleil in Vegas,

198
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,434
like, less than a year ago.

199
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,353
And you've been
to Cirque Du Soleil, right?

200
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,938
There's little people
flying all--

201
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,022
[scattered applause]

202
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,482
Well, we don't need to
give them a hand here.

203
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,776
It's not--it's not really
about them, this bit.

204
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,945
[laughs] But there was--
you know,

205
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:53,240
there was little people
flying all over the stage.

206
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,825
They're 100 feet
in the air, no net.

207
00:08:55,826 --> 00:08:58,704
Two of them had masks on,
I swear to God.

208
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,123
Because you wouldn't wanna
do anything dangerous,

209
00:09:02,124 --> 00:09:03,876
ladies and gentlemen.
That's--

210
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,630
[laughs] And that's my
thing about, you know,

211
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,632
who has the mask.
It's Gen Z.

212
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:13,218
It's like, who do I see
walking outside

213
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,970
alone with the mask on?

214
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,013
What a bunch of pussies
that generation is.

215
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:18,640
You know what?

216
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,308
Kids, you're young.

217
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,227
Roll the dice.

218
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,395
You're 22.

219
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,980
It's actually hard to die.

220
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,816
I tried.

221
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,734
But, you know, you do you.

222
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,653
Just know that, you know,
the medical community,

223
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,281
I respect them,
but they get a lot wrong.

224
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:35,865
I seem to remember
about six months

225
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:38,244
when I was washing the mail.

226
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,663
Do you remember that?

227
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,373
Like every package
was a stool sample

228
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,834
from Chernobyl or something.

229
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,335
What the?

230
00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,379
I mean, they just
get a lot wrong.

231
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,797
Not just with this.

232
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:53,675
There's hundreds
of prescription drugs

233
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,885
that we all took,
or a lot of us.

234
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:59,014
And then over the years,
they pulled them off the market

235
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,016
because they said they
were safe and effective

236
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,643
and then found out they
weren't safe or effective--

237
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:06,605
or trans fats,

238
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:10,066
which are fats
that hate Dave Chappelle.

239
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,360
- Ooh.

240
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:13,945
- What?

241
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:17,282
No.

242
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,035
Trans fats are the ones they
were telling us to eat

243
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,662
15 years ago,
and now they're illegal.

244
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,372
And by the way, let's back up
to that "ooh" 'cause--

245
00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:26,207
let me make this clear, okay?

246
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,877
I'm very supportive
of the trans community.

247
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,630
I'm also super supportive
of free speech.

248
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,381
And I love anybody

249
00:10:33,382 --> 00:10:35,425
who won't let the mob tell them

250
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,303
what to say about anything.

251
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,641
People say to me--
[chuckles]

252
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,230
People say to me, you know,
Bill, you make fun of the left

253
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:50,273
more than you used to.

254
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,025
Yeah, fuck right I do.

255
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,444
And part of it is
because that's free speech.

256
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:55,945
I take it a little personally.

257
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:58,531
You know, free speech
used to be a liberal thing.

258
00:10:58,532 --> 00:10:59,741
But then they got it
in their head

259
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,951
that getting their
feelings hurt

260
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:04,204
was more important than
the First Amendment.

261
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,413
They do this all the time.

262
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,748
They do something nutty,

263
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,709
and then they blame me
for noticing.

264
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,837
And say, oh,
you're a Republican now.

265
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:15,048
I'm not a Republican,
and I never have been.

266
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,093
So let's get that shit
off the table.

267
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:21,346
I'm not a Republican
for all the reasons

268
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,889
I never have been before.

269
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,849
They're too religious.

270
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:29,062
They're fiscal hypocrites who
absolutely hate it when America

271
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:32,023
spends money it doesn't have,
except when they're in office,

272
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,068
and then it's always
perfectly okay.

273
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,237
Um.

274
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:41,950
They're in denial about racism,
which is still a thing.

275
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:45,036
They think climate change
is a hoax

276
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:47,415
and the weather girl's
tits are real.

277
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,089
And they're always blaming
the underprivileged

278
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,508
when they should be blaming
the overprivileged.

279
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,136
And then they--

280
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,766
They added to that
shitty mix tape.

281
00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:09,310
They don't believe
in democracy anymore,

282
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,562
and have a new policy--

283
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,897
elections only count
when we win.

284
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:15,650
So they have a comfortable lead
in being the bigger threat.

285
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:18,486
But I don't hold my tongue
for anybody.

286
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:19,988
You know,
for the two years when

287
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,158
I was trying to get
Biden to step down,

288
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:26,829
I kept referring to him
as Ruth Bader Biden.

289
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,165
Kind of true, wasn't it?

290
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,000
And, you know, people
would--when people were about,

291
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,085
people would
say to me, oh, Bill,

292
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,546
stop making fun of Biden's age.

293
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:38,047
You're gonna help Trump.

294
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:39,340
Right, like no one would
have noticed otherwise.

295
00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,384
I--

296
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:44,220
yeah, I the cat out of
the bag about Biden's age.

297
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:45,680
No, I'm a noticer.

298
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:46,806
That's what I do.

299
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,433
It's what I'm supposed to do.

300
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:52,061
So if I notice all the
oversensitivity on the left

301
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:54,856
and the victim culture
and the cancel culture

302
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:58,026
and the overemphasis
on identity politics

303
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,154
and the pointless
white self-loathing

304
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,532
that goes on, ugh.

305
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:06,868
Don't tell me
the left hasn't changed.

306
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,245
I'm old enough to remember
when it was the conservatives

307
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,246
who hated the Jews.

308
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:13,209
[laughs exaggeratedly]

309
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,798
So you can threaten me
with every label you want.

310
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,132
I don't bend the knee.

311
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,760
If you do something goofy,
I'm gonna call you out

312
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,595
no matter where you are
on the spectrum.

313
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:27,889
I speak to a different
group of people

314
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,142
who are not ideologically
captured by either side.

315
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:33,394
- Fuck yeah!

316
00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:37,565
- Democrats, independents,

317
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,360
and non-drooling Republicans--

318
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,070
that's my constituency.

319
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,948
People that are just
tired of the extremes,

320
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,326
as I am, tired of the extremes
and the extremists

321
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,411
who control the debate,
but who don't

322
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:52,789
represent close to a majority.

323
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:54,916
I'm tired of the hating
and the haters.

324
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:56,668
I don't hate half America,

325
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,294
and I don't wanna hate
half America.

326
00:13:58,295 --> 00:13:59,505
- That's right!

327
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:05,051
- And I'll tell you
something about America.

328
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:06,719
It's complicated,
more complicated

329
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,137
than people give credit.

330
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:12,351
Like, there are country music
stars now with face tattoos.

331
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,896
The governor of Kansas
is a woman,

332
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:19,274
and California has never
had a woman governor.

333
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:22,193
Okay, it's a little
complicated.

334
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:26,823
We have a new vice president,
JD Vance,

335
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,908
who wrote a book about
being a hillbilly

336
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,368
called "Hillbilly Elegy."

337
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,787
And in it, he says,
when he was eight years old,

338
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:35,999
he lived with his grandma,
who was born in 1933

339
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,793
in Kentucky
and had 19 shotguns.

340
00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:40,837
Okay. [laughs]

341
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:43,339
And he says to her,
I think I'm gay,

342
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,134
which I completely related
to because when I was

343
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,927
eight years old, well,
they hadn't invented

344
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,388
homosexuality, but--

345
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,724
but I knew what it was like
to only like boys

346
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,350
'cause girls have cooties
when you're eight.

347
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:58,313
So he goes to his grandmother,
and he says, Grandma, am I gay?

348
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,732
And she says--this is
word for word in the book--

349
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,652
she says, JD,
do you wanna suck dicks?

350
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,532
[laughs]

351
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:11,326
And he says, no, I don't.

352
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,411
And she says, well,
then you're not gay.

353
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,997
But even if you did
wanna suck dicks,

354
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,583
God would still love you.

355
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,961
Okay, well, you know what?

356
00:15:22,838 --> 00:15:27,759
If JD Vance's
cocksucker-loving grandma

357
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,720
can be that open-minded,
maybe there's hope

358
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,015
that we're better
than we think.

359
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,943
But I am not looking
forward to Trump 2

360
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,111
because I already
did all the jokes.

361
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,491
And there's just--with him,
there's too much material.

362
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,618
You know, usually,
with a president,

363
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:56,120
there's, like, one thing
that we all latch onto.

364
00:15:56,121 --> 00:16:00,667
You know, Bush was stupid,
and Clinton was horny, and--

365
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:02,293
but this guy is everything.

366
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:05,296
You know, he's stupid,
and he's horny, and he's crazy,

367
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:10,051
and he's fat, and he's hot
for his daughter, and he

368
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,720
has a mushroom dick,
according to--

369
00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:14,430
[laughs] A mushroom dick?

370
00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:15,807
Really?

371
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,225
Well, that's what
Stormy Daniels said.

372
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,019
And she hints that
there is a sex tape

373
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:23,731
and that we could actually
get to see Trump's penis.

374
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:27,610
[audience groans]

375
00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,904
And you can tell
it's Trump's penis because it

376
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,406
has a big sign on the top--

377
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,200
"Trump penis."

378
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,246
And also,
it's in Sean Hannity's mouth.

379
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:40,040
That's the other way
you put it.

380
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,048
Gentle, good humor.

381
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,427
That's what we do here--
gentle, good humor.

382
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,262
Well, you gotta
give Trump this.

383
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:57,390
I mean, the skill
at performance art.

384
00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:00,185
Remember that day
he had his ear pierced?

385
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,106
[laughs]

386
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,692
And by the way, if you think
there's only

387
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,361
conspiracy theorists
on the right, I can't tell you

388
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,530
how many people came up to me
around that time.

389
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,824
Bill, don't you think
that assassination

390
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:16,409
attempt was staged?

391
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:17,535
Staged?

392
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,787
Walk me through
how you could stage

393
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:24,959
a bullet hitting just the tip
of your ear from 500 feet away.

394
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,502
Yeah, shoot at my head.

395
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:27,546
I trust you.

396
00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:30,131
But just graze me.

397
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,716
Just--it's a new shirt.

398
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,510
I don't wanna get
a lot--you know.

399
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:38,431
And who to perform
this incredible feat

400
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,974
of marksmanship?

401
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,642
McLovin' from the movie
"Superbad."

402
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:42,728
So--

403
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,984
And you have to admit
that a shot was fired

404
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:52,737
because there was a guy
behind Trump, right,

405
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,363
who got hit and died.

406
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:58,242
By the way, that is so
on-brand for Donald Trump,

407
00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:00,661
that he gets shot at
and another guy dies.

408
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:02,747
He's--isn't it?

409
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:03,998
I mean, he's Jesus in reverse.

410
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:06,418
Other people die for his sins.

411
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,589
But--[laughs]

412
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,930
But as soon as it happened,
the Republicans, I mean,

413
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,681
immediately,
they had the narrative.

414
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,850
God--God did it!

415
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:26,855
I mean, the blood had not
dried on his foundation...

416
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,191
When they were--[laughs]

417
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,318
Divine intervention.
He is risen.

418
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:35,863
And I kept asking, what about
the other guy who got shot?

419
00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:38,241
What does God say about him?

420
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:43,454
Yeah, shit happens.
I can't be everywhere.

421
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:46,207
I mean, that's always been my
thing about religion, really.

422
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:47,542
You know, just too easy.

423
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:48,709
Too easy, you know.

424
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,379
It's because people
want to believe so badly

425
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,548
that you don't really
have to make a big effort.

426
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,842
I mean, what do you
have to be to just start

427
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,385
a religion, to be a prophet?

428
00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:00,388
Just some guy--
and I do mean guy,

429
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:03,392
'cause it is kind of a sausage
party, the prophet business.

430
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,353
But just some guy who was
out in the middle of nowhere,

431
00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:10,898
you know, in the mountains or
up on a hill or in a desert,

432
00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:12,525
and come running into town--

433
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:13,401
hey, everybody.

434
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,153
You'll never guess
who talked to me

435
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:18,281
when there was nobody around,
darn the luck--

436
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:21,242
God!
Yeah, can you believe it? God.

437
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,910
And he said he's
starting a new religion,

438
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:25,413
and he wants me,
a complete loser

439
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:28,291
with nothing going on
in my life,

440
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,127
to be his infallible wingman
here on Earth.

441
00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:33,254
Isn't that awesome?

442
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,214
So I took a few notes, okay?

443
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:36,924
Number one,
just do whatever I say.

444
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:38,759
That's, like, super key.

445
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,137
And, uh, oh, yeah, I'm gonna
have to be fucking a lot

446
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,305
of the women in the compound.

447
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,265
That's just directly from him.

448
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:45,934
I would not have it that way.

449
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,271
But, you know, religion,
it's not

450
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,607
exactly selling consistency.

451
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,693
It's not even really
selling morality.

452
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:56,944
What is it selling?

453
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,279
Peace of mind.

454
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,822
That's what it's selling.

455
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:01,741
I know this because I know
many religious people,

456
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,076
and they all say the
same thing, which is,

457
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,829
when I put my head
on the pillow at night,

458
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:11,125
I know if I die in my sleep,
I will go to a better place,

459
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,877
to which I always say,
then why don't you

460
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,587
hang yourself tomorrow?

461
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,880
I--

462
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,048
no, I'm trying to help.

463
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,466
You said a better place.

464
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,886
I--I have some rope in my car.

465
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,972
We could do this tonight.

466
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,226
But--[laughs]

467
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,437
When people ask the question,
what happens when I die,

468
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:34,440
they don't wanna hear,
"Uh-uh-uh.

469
00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:36,317
Uh, something, nothing."

470
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,736
No, they wanna hear, mm--
[chuckles]

471
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,905
They wanna hear,
we have a post-life package

472
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:44,492
that I think you're gonna find
very exciting, because--

473
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,786
'cause that
is what they are selling.

474
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:48,996
I mean, that's--and that's
actually what they're competing

475
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:50,414
with each other for.

476
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,250
They have to come up
with a great heaven--

477
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,417
version of heaven.

478
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,628
Like, I was raised Catholic.

479
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:59,548
I was told, one man dies
for all of your sins,

480
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:02,176
which is really picking up
the check for the whole table.

481
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,303
I--
that is a gentleman.

482
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:07,515
Um, Mormons?

483
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,392
Mormons believe that if you
have a good marriage here

484
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:13,104
on Earth, in the afterlife,
you and your wife

485
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,982
get to rule over
your own planet.

486
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:17,984
That is a nice perk, is it not?

487
00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,360
I--

488
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:20,736
let me see that brochure.

489
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:24,198
I'm gonna look at this
very carefully.

490
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,491
I love the Muslims.

491
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:27,118
They go right to,
you get pussy.

492
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,661
What do you think about that?

493
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,956
Pussy, pussy, pussy everywhere.

494
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:35,001
Hmm, well, that brochure--

495
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:38,129
although I suppose if I
ruled over my own planet,

496
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,256
I get all the pussy I want.

497
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:41,549
Oh, wait.

498
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,885
The old ball and chain
will be with me.

499
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,805
Give me the Muslim one again.

500
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:50,766
But I mean, you know,
religion and politics,

501
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:54,061
very similar in that way,
that it's a lot about promises

502
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:55,563
that they can never keep.

503
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,064
But people just wanna believe.

504
00:21:57,065 --> 00:21:59,483
I mean, anytime Trump--you see
him in front of one of his

505
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:02,486
rallies, he's always got
a giant banner behind him

506
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,947
that says "Promises kept."

507
00:22:04,948 --> 00:22:06,240
To who?

508
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,367
The asbestos industry?

509
00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:11,537
Who did this guy ever
keep a promise to?

510
00:22:11,538 --> 00:22:14,707
You know, I mean, the health
care--remember that thing?

511
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:17,376
He was--amazing,
something terrific.

512
00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:21,088
And he didn't even come up
with concepts of a plan,

513
00:22:21,089 --> 00:22:23,759
not even concepts of a plan.

514
00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:27,595
He is the typical
overpromising con man.

515
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:29,597
He's the guy who
says to the woman,

516
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:33,642
I am gonna give you
the best orgasm you ever had,

517
00:22:33,643 --> 00:22:35,978
and then comes
putting on the condom.

518
00:22:35,979 --> 00:22:37,980
You know that guy?

519
00:22:37,981 --> 00:22:40,983
That's--this is--

520
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:44,070
I mean, even his wall,
that big stupid thing

521
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:46,489
he was gonna build, is he
couldn't even build the wall

522
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:50,284
to stop Mexicans from coming
here and taking your jobs,

523
00:22:50,285 --> 00:22:53,329
the stupidest political premise
I've ever heard,

524
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:54,747
and I've been hearing it
my whole life.

525
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:58,167
Like you people
would pick crops.

526
00:22:58,168 --> 00:23:00,461
Right. Oh, no, I get it.
I get it.

527
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:01,712
I get it.
Because you know what?

528
00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:03,172
Sometimes, I take the drive up

529
00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:05,424
from LA to San Francisco,
and...

530
00:23:05,425 --> 00:23:08,594
[sighs] You pass mile
after mile of lettuce fields.

531
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:11,347
And I'm just burning up
in the car.

532
00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:13,724
God damn, these bastards
have it all locked up!

533
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:17,853
I wanted to get in
on that in there.

534
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:20,147
I wanted my kids to get
into the lettuce field,

535
00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:21,483
and they can't do it.

536
00:23:25,987 --> 00:23:30,783
I mean, the panic
that goes through Fox News

537
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:33,369
whenever there's a caravan--
ah!

538
00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:35,538
A caravan of brown walkers

539
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:39,083
heading north
to take your jobs.

540
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,501
"Take your jobs."

541
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:42,002
Have you ever seen
who's in the caravan?

542
00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:44,839
Let me tell you,
if an 11-year-old Honduran boy

543
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,715
can take your job,

544
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:49,969
you made vocational choices
a long time ago

545
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,472
that I think have a lot more
to do with this.

546
00:23:57,561 --> 00:24:00,771
And I have so much more
respect for that Honduran kid

547
00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:04,316
than I do for American kids who
can't make it to the mailbox

548
00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:08,155
without an EpiPen
and a GPS tracking device.

549
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,537
I mean, middle-class
Americans should

550
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:19,206
be so grateful
to immigrants because,

551
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:23,544
like, middle-class people have
things that, when I was a kid,

552
00:24:23,545 --> 00:24:25,880
nobody had except
the rich--maids,

553
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:29,425
nannies, housekeepers,
landscapers, gardeners.

554
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,260
These things didn't exist
when I was a child.

555
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:32,553
Are you kidding?

556
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:36,432
The idea that my father
would have help?

557
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:39,643
Yeah, he had help--me.

558
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:40,895
Me.

559
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:44,232
A fabulous family
of Mexicans I was.

560
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:47,819
I could do it all.

561
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:51,822
[laughs] But--

562
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:52,823
- Love you, Bill!

563
00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:54,868
- I love you too.

564
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:59,498
That's an odd time to declare
your love, but I appreciate it.

565
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,168
Well, here's a question
for Democrats.

566
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:06,045
Why does Trump
keep doing better

567
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:08,088
each time with immigrants?

568
00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:10,382
That's pretty amazing.
And I think I know why.

569
00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:12,510
It's because liberals
don't really look like

570
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:15,471
they like America,
and immigrants don't like

571
00:25:15,472 --> 00:25:18,516
the relentless negativity
about a country

572
00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:20,267
they worked so hard to get to.

573
00:25:20,268 --> 00:25:22,686
You know, they're--

574
00:25:22,687 --> 00:25:25,940
they're not obsessed with
what happened 400 years ago,

575
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:27,483
and they don't see
this country only

576
00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:29,068
through shit-stained glasses.

577
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:32,029
Ask them why they came here,
and they will tell you,

578
00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:35,115
Ron DeSantis put them
on a plane, but--

579
00:25:35,116 --> 00:25:37,284
also the other stuff.

580
00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:39,995
[laughs]

581
00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:43,624
No, I feel like we're raising
a bunch of ahistorical,

582
00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:46,627
America-hating hysterics
in this country.

583
00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:50,339
And you know, whenever I talk
to my friends who have kids

584
00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:53,592
in their 20s or their teens,
they're always bitching to me

585
00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:56,595
about how their kids are
driving them crazy

586
00:25:56,596 --> 00:25:59,348
with their out-of-control
wokeness and everything is,

587
00:25:59,349 --> 00:26:03,143
"That's old thinking, Mom.

588
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:05,271
You don't get it, Mom."
You don't get it.

589
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:06,355
Get what?

590
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,274
Defund the police?

591
00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:10,484
Tear down statues of Lincoln?

592
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:12,403
Give communism another try?

593
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:13,988
Get rid of the Border Patrol?

594
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,489
Get rid of capitalism?

595
00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:18,200
You can be healthy
at any weight?

596
00:26:18,201 --> 00:26:20,452
It's cool to have penises

597
00:26:20,453 --> 00:26:22,705
in women's shelters
and women's prisons?

598
00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:23,789
No, I don't get it.

599
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:27,168
Not 'cause I'm old,
because your ideas are stupid.

600
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:30,629
That's what I don't get.

601
00:26:30,630 --> 00:26:33,424
Just 'cause they're new,
it doesn't make them better!

602
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:34,842
New isn't automatically better!

603
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:36,468
I could come in tomorrow
and go, hey,

604
00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:38,095
from now on,
let's eat in the bathroom

605
00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:40,097
and shit in the kitchen.

606
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:41,683
It's new.

607
00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:47,313
And this is one of the problems

608
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:48,856
I think we have
in this country.

609
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:52,192
Nobody ever gets canceled
for being too woke.

610
00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:57,156
That's how you get things
like, men can get pregnant.

611
00:26:57,157 --> 00:27:00,117
And everybody's like,
uh, yeah, absolutely.

612
00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:01,368
I've always said that.

613
00:27:01,369 --> 00:27:02,453
Of course.

614
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:04,789
I saw a dude today glowing.

615
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:08,876
[sighs]

616
00:27:08,877 --> 00:27:12,546
And I think a lot of people are
just tired of having to pretend

617
00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:15,507
that things that
are crazy aren't,

618
00:27:15,508 --> 00:27:17,676
tired of being bullied
by the most

619
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:19,470
unfun people in the country,

620
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:21,889
tired of walking around
on eggshells

621
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:24,725
because of the hyper fragile
and the oversensitive.

622
00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:26,227
These people--

623
00:27:28,104 --> 00:27:30,731
[chuckles]

624
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:33,150
These people who have
such a sense of entitlement

625
00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:36,195
about never having to feel
a moment of discomfort

626
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:39,323
from encountering a thought
they don't already have

627
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:40,699
or a joke they don't like.

628
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:42,076
Fuck off, you fucks.

629
00:27:42,077 --> 00:27:43,161
Fuck you.

630
00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:46,080
Eloquent, huh?

631
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,248
[chuckles]

632
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:52,419
Oh, and the--is there
anything more cringeworthy

633
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:56,090
than the apologies that we have
to listen to from people

634
00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:58,842
so often that, you know,
sound like they're right out of

635
00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:01,679
a Soviet reeducation camp,
where you--

636
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,430
you thank your accusers.

637
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:04,807
Thank you.

638
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,642
Thank you for the
opportunity to learn

639
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:09,645
what a repulsive shitbag I am.

640
00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:11,605
And I will try to do better.

641
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:12,648
Oh, fuck off.

642
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:14,817
It was a Halloween costume.

643
00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:16,778
Nobody died, okay?

644
00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:21,615
I mean, so much of this
is just posing, you know?

645
00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:24,368
Liberalism isn't about lifting.
This is posing.

646
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:25,452
Do you ever see
when they do one

647
00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:27,913
of those land acknowledgments?

648
00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:29,456
Have you ever seen that?

649
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:31,959
Okay, when they're about to,
like, put in a mini mall

650
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,294
or whatever the fuck
they're gonna do anyway,

651
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:36,130
they have a little ceremony

652
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:39,299
so they can tell you how bad
they feel about it first.

653
00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:42,678
We are standing on land
that rightfully belongs

654
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:45,264
to the proud Chumash people.

655
00:28:45,265 --> 00:28:49,436
Okay, either give it back or
shut the fuck up, all right?

656
00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:52,604
Come on.

657
00:28:52,605 --> 00:28:54,648
Like you'd really
rather have a teepee there

658
00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:56,818
than your Starbucks.

659
00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:01,155
And I know when people hear the
word "woke," it triggers them.

660
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:02,489
And I understand that,
because it

661
00:29:02,490 --> 00:29:04,158
started out as a great thing--

662
00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:05,325
alert to injustice.

663
00:29:05,326 --> 00:29:06,285
We're all for that.

664
00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,494
But words migrate.

665
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:09,163
I can't control that.

666
00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:10,914
And now, like so many things,
it's been taken over

667
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,125
by stupid white people.

668
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:14,626
- Whoo!

669
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:16,670
- And there--and there's
not one right there,

670
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:18,088
not a stupid white person.

671
00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:20,466
There's one of the good ones.

672
00:29:20,467 --> 00:29:21,717
[laughs]

673
00:29:21,718 --> 00:29:23,677
And it's just about
catching people.

674
00:29:23,678 --> 00:29:26,680
You know,
a couple of years ago,

675
00:29:26,681 --> 00:29:29,475
they went after Dr. Seuss.

676
00:29:29,476 --> 00:29:31,602
Yes, that Dr. Seuss,

677
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:35,523
author of "Green Eggs and Ham"
and other controversial works.

678
00:29:38,318 --> 00:29:39,693
Why?

679
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:42,946
Because when he was
drawing in the 1930s,

680
00:29:42,947 --> 00:29:46,366
he drew Chinese people
with pigtails,

681
00:29:46,367 --> 00:29:51,413
possibly because, in the 1930s,
Chinese people wore pigtails.

682
00:29:51,414 --> 00:29:54,208
So I would say, if you're
gonna be a cartoonist--

683
00:29:54,209 --> 00:29:56,585
a little advice--if you're
gonna draw anybody ethnic,

684
00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:58,045
I would be very careful.

685
00:29:58,046 --> 00:30:00,798
Like if you're drawing
a--a Jewish person,

686
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:03,050
I would make that nose
very small,

687
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:06,428
very small,
like "Michael Jackson after

688
00:30:06,429 --> 00:30:08,138
the third operation" small--

689
00:30:08,139 --> 00:30:12,392
just a Jew dot right
in the middle of the face.

690
00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:16,480
But you know, why are pigtails
racist to begin with?

691
00:30:16,481 --> 00:30:18,649
They're not, is the point.

692
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:21,026
These people just
like to bitch.

693
00:30:21,027 --> 00:30:24,404
They just like to find
something to bitch about.

694
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:27,867
Bitches and snitches--
that's what this country is.

695
00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:33,580
You know, I said
a little while ago

696
00:30:33,581 --> 00:30:34,873
about little people, remember?

697
00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:36,917
Okay, so little people,
that's what

698
00:30:36,918 --> 00:30:38,001
you're supposed to say now.

699
00:30:38,002 --> 00:30:40,295
Midget--bad, bad word.

700
00:30:40,296 --> 00:30:42,673
To me, this makes
so much more sense

701
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:44,091
if it had happened in reverse.

702
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,260
If we had been saying
little people,

703
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:48,512
then they would have went,
oh, for God's sake, Bill,

704
00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:50,180
use a proper term like midget.

705
00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:51,932
Jesus Christ.

706
00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:53,475
You don't call them
little people.

707
00:30:53,476 --> 00:30:54,601
They're not toys.

708
00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:57,229
What's wrong with you?

709
00:30:57,230 --> 00:30:58,647
Midget.

710
00:30:58,648 --> 00:30:59,857
And then somebody
would have come along.

711
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:01,441
No, no, they're the wee.

712
00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:03,236
We call them the wee now.

713
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:07,448
No, they're people
experiencing weeness, is the--

714
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:12,578
[laughs]

715
00:31:12,579 --> 00:31:14,037
I mean, I feel people--

716
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,790
I think people think
that wokeism is somehow

717
00:31:16,791 --> 00:31:21,628
an extension of liberalism, but
more often, it's the opposite.

718
00:31:21,629 --> 00:31:24,007
Let me give you
10 million examples.

719
00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:29,052
Homeless--you're not supposed
to say that word anymore.

720
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:31,805
It's people experiencing
homelessness.

721
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:33,557
I don't think
that goes far enough.

722
00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,642
I think we should call them
wonderful, well-meaning people

723
00:31:35,643 --> 00:31:37,102
who, through no fault
of their own,

724
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:39,479
are taking a dump
on my driveway.

725
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:43,443
That, I believe, is the term
we should be looking for.

726
00:31:45,194 --> 00:31:49,031
But you know, I have
a little insight into this.

727
00:31:49,032 --> 00:31:50,949
I used to participate
in this show

728
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:54,494
for my beloved, wonderful HBO
called "Comic Relief."

729
00:31:54,495 --> 00:31:56,788
Remember "Comic Relief" with
Whoopi and Billy and Robin?

730
00:31:56,789 --> 00:31:59,041
Okay.

731
00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:00,626
All right, well,
we're good liberals.

732
00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:03,837
We thought we were do--
the compassionate view was,

733
00:32:03,838 --> 00:32:06,089
get the homeless
off the street.

734
00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:07,799
That's not the woke view.

735
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,217
Their view of the homeless is,

736
00:32:09,218 --> 00:32:11,845
they're an endangered species
that needs to be protected

737
00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:14,765
in their natural habitat--

738
00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:17,644
living their best life
under a bridge.

739
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:21,688
Liberalism is
about fixing things.

740
00:32:21,689 --> 00:32:25,817
Woke is about, you know--
a lot of it is just renaming.

741
00:32:25,818 --> 00:32:28,278
Colleges, every year,
many, many colleges,

742
00:32:28,279 --> 00:32:31,448
put out lists of words
and phrases we are not supposed

743
00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:33,951
to say anymore,
really dangerous stuff

744
00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:36,663
like "master bedroom."

745
00:32:38,998 --> 00:32:43,502
You know, "white paper,"
"blacklist."

746
00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:45,128
"Insane" is on the list.

747
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:48,215
I'd say that's insane,
but it's on the list.

748
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:50,008
And it pisses me off
because, you know,

749
00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:52,427
it's bad enough they
took away the R-word,

750
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:58,601
which is so desperately needed
because this country is so R.

751
00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:06,441
You're not supposed
to say "reservation."

752
00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:08,318
I guess that's offensive
to Indians.

753
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,404
What are you supposed to say
when you go out to dinner?

754
00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:11,447
Um--[laughs]

755
00:33:13,408 --> 00:33:16,536
Hi, we have, um--we're
supposed to eat here.

756
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:21,665
[laughs]

757
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:24,543
And you know, somewhere along
here is where somebody says,

758
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:26,503
oh, Bill, it's so easy
to pick on the fringe.

759
00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:28,672
It is, but it's not
the fringe anymore.

760
00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,090
It really isn't.

761
00:33:30,091 --> 00:33:32,509
The "Washington Post"
isn't the fringe.

762
00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:33,844
Listen to this.

763
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:36,263
Okay, so you know
MrBeast, the YouTuber?

764
00:33:36,264 --> 00:33:40,100
He puts on these amazing
stunts, very often for charity.

765
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:42,102
And he did one last year called

766
00:33:42,103 --> 00:33:45,522
"Cured 1,000 people
of disability."

767
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:48,025
Paid for a tent.
All these doctors come in.

768
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:49,901
They restored eyesight
to 1,000 people.

769
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:50,902
Good thing, right?

770
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:53,071
Wrong!

771
00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:56,033
The "Washington Post" guy said,
what needs curing

772
00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:58,910
is society's view
of the disabled.

773
00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:00,579
And BuzzFeed agreed.

774
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:02,873
They said, MrBeast
seems to regard disability

775
00:34:02,874 --> 00:34:06,501
as something that needs
to be solved.

776
00:34:06,502 --> 00:34:08,712
Okay, people.

777
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,798
Do you see what I'm talking
about with the crazy?

778
00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:12,883
Please!

779
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,093
Is anyone else seeing this?

780
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:17,512
Yes? Thank you.

781
00:34:17,513 --> 00:34:19,931
Thank you, Jesus.

782
00:34:19,932 --> 00:34:21,308
Let me tell you something, folks.

783
00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:25,020
If I have a disability,
do something.

784
00:34:25,021 --> 00:34:27,564
Fix me.
I won't be insulted, okay?

785
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:28,940
Do what you have to do.

786
00:34:28,941 --> 00:34:31,860
Steal stem cells from a frog.

787
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:34,404
AI--I don't know--
harvest organs.

788
00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:36,156
Whatever the fuck
you have to do.

789
00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:38,700
But don't sit around and talk
about how awesome I am

790
00:34:38,701 --> 00:34:41,161
and how I'm just as good
as you despite whatever

791
00:34:41,162 --> 00:34:43,371
fucked up thing I have.

792
00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:45,373
Fix me.

793
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:48,835
Like it's cooler
to be differently abled.

794
00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:50,504
Huh.

795
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:51,798
Yeah.

796
00:34:56,177 --> 00:34:58,929
Who wants to be like
Mr. Mainstream over there

797
00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:00,348
with all his limbs?

798
00:35:01,682 --> 00:35:03,184
Ugh.

799
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:07,354
But I could do this all day,

800
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,189
proving that it's not
just fringe.

801
00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:10,690
But let's just do one more.

802
00:35:10,691 --> 00:35:12,359
"Scientific American"--

803
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,361
can't get much more mainstream
than that.

804
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,738
"Scientific American" now
believes that the only reason

805
00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:21,868
the Los Angeles Lakers would
reliably crush any WNBA team

806
00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:26,373
is because of societal bias,
and "The Atlantic" agrees.

807
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:28,375
"The Atlantic"
put out a cover story

808
00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:30,794
last year called
"Separating Sports

809
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:32,963
by Sex Doesn't Make Sense."

810
00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:35,298
Um, yes, it fucking does.

811
00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:37,468
It makes perfect sense.

812
00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:41,972
[chuckles]

813
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:46,226
I mean, they actually
wrote the sentence,

814
00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:50,397
"Maintaining the binary in
sports reinforces the idea"--

815
00:35:50,398 --> 00:35:52,274
the idea, this is, the idea--

816
00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:55,735
"that men are bigger, stronger,
and faster than women,

817
00:35:55,736 --> 00:35:59,072
a notion that's been disputed
by scientists for years."

818
00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:00,574
It has? Where?

819
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:04,035
The New England Journal
of What the Fuck?

820
00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:06,246
It hasn't been
challenged anywhere.

821
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:09,916
And it's not just an idea
that men are bigger, stronger,

822
00:36:09,917 --> 00:36:11,126
and faster than women.

823
00:36:11,127 --> 00:36:12,711
And this is the root
of the problem,

824
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:15,297
that you can't--
we spoil the kids so much,

825
00:36:15,298 --> 00:36:17,090
they think
you can change reality

826
00:36:17,091 --> 00:36:18,717
just by screaming at it.

827
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:24,431
We raised kids wrong, like
they're just shorter adults--

828
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:27,392
always blowing smoke
up their little asses

829
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:31,396
and calling them tiny geniuses,
telling them their thoughts

830
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:32,981
are just as valid
as the adults.

831
00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:34,691
They're not. They're children.

832
00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:36,944
They're stupid, like dogs.

833
00:36:38,779 --> 00:36:42,282
And--[chuckles]

834
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:45,577
And, you know-- [laughs]

835
00:36:45,578 --> 00:36:47,287
And you could say,
oh, Bill, you don't have kids.

836
00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:48,496
How would you know?

837
00:36:48,497 --> 00:36:50,457
Because I'm in people's houses

838
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:53,460
that do sometimes,
and I see this all the time.

839
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:56,796
Kids as young as ten
will invite themselves

840
00:36:56,797 --> 00:37:00,133
into the adult conversations,
and no one stops it.

841
00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:01,801
I mean, if I ever did this--

842
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:04,304
I remember my parents in the
living room with their friends.

843
00:37:04,305 --> 00:37:05,639
If I ever just walked in--

844
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,266
I've had some thoughts
about the Vietnam War

845
00:37:08,267 --> 00:37:09,602
that I think everyone--

846
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,899
Get the fuck out of here.

847
00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:18,109
So we raise them wrong.
[laughs]

848
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:20,320
Then we send them
to these asshole factories

849
00:37:20,321 --> 00:37:22,989
called elite universities.

850
00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:24,241
Really?

851
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:25,825
Let me tell you,
if ignorance was a disease,

852
00:37:25,826 --> 00:37:28,496
Harvard Yard would be
the Wuhan wet market.

853
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:36,753
And then the kids get out,
and they're like,

854
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:38,088
there's no good jobs.

855
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:40,048
Yeah, because you
majored in queer poetry

856
00:37:40,049 --> 00:37:41,883
of the Asian diaspora.

857
00:37:41,884 --> 00:37:44,261
Of course, there's no jobs.

858
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:46,513
You went to a four-year
daycare center

859
00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:49,099
for the cry bullies
of the privileged

860
00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:51,351
to complain about privilege.

861
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:53,186
That is, when you
weren't protesting

862
00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:55,647
for terrorist organizations.

863
00:37:55,648 --> 00:37:56,983
Really?

864
00:38:05,449 --> 00:38:08,201
Really? Marching for Hamas?

865
00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:10,662
It's like rooting
for the planes on 9/11.

866
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,330
[soft laughter]

867
00:38:12,331 --> 00:38:14,249
I said that's like rooting
for the planes on 9--

868
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:15,500
[wild cheering and applause]

869
00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:16,918
I know you--I knew
you'd agree with it

870
00:38:16,919 --> 00:38:18,295
if you just gave it a minute.

871
00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:20,255
I know it's kind of
shocking at first.

872
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:23,425
But hey, kids,
I have a great idea for you.

873
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:26,011
Since you love Hamas
and Hezbollah so much,

874
00:38:26,012 --> 00:38:29,014
why don't you, next year,
take your gap year in Iran?

875
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:31,933
Uh--no, no,
you're gonna dig it.

876
00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:33,311
You will dig it.

877
00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:39,441
Make sure to bring your
Queers for Palestine t-shirt.

878
00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:41,401
They're very popular
over there.

879
00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:43,862
And if you see the Ayatollah,
tell him your pronouns.

880
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:44,905
He loves that.

881
00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:51,202
And you wonder why the left
catches more jokes from me?

882
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:53,496
They changed, not me.

883
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:54,914
Okay?

884
00:38:54,915 --> 00:38:57,584
Things changed.

885
00:38:57,585 --> 00:39:00,337
Just in five years,
things changed a lot.

886
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:04,717
Five years ago,
penises meant something.

887
00:39:06,802 --> 00:39:08,720
Now, it's like, congratulations.

888
00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:09,554
You had a boy.

889
00:39:09,555 --> 00:39:11,098
Well, let's not be hasty.

890
00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:15,060
What, the penis?

891
00:39:15,061 --> 00:39:17,604
Oh, come on, that's not really
relevant anymore, is it?

892
00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:19,814
It's a small factor, but I--

893
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:23,735
I--I thought it was, like,
a sixth toe at this point,

894
00:39:23,736 --> 00:39:26,696
just a useless
vestigial appendage.

895
00:39:26,697 --> 00:39:29,949
I mean, I understand now,
when they circumcise,

896
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:33,078
they very often lop the whole
thing off and just save us time

897
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:34,497
later when it becomes toxic.

898
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:40,168
And they are kind
of cavalier, are they not,

899
00:39:40,169 --> 00:39:41,503
about gender reassignment,

900
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,463
and make it sound like
so simple and easy.

901
00:39:43,464 --> 00:39:46,299
Cut one off, snap one on.
I mean--

902
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:47,634
no, it's not.

903
00:39:47,635 --> 00:39:49,135
It's a major
medical intervention

904
00:39:49,136 --> 00:39:50,303
that's going to affect
your health

905
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:51,846
for the rest of your life.

906
00:39:51,847 --> 00:39:53,640
We just gloss over this.

907
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:55,892
You know that when
they give you a penis

908
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:57,352
you're not born with--

909
00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,187
I'm not mocking this
or making fun of it.

910
00:39:59,188 --> 00:40:04,401
But they literally--they cut
the flesh out of your thigh,

911
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:09,407
and forevermore,
you have a dick-shaped scar.

912
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:13,952
[laughs]
Again, I'm not mocking it.

913
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:15,996
Maybe it's a selling point
in some places, but--

914
00:40:19,834 --> 00:40:21,543
I mean, with so many people
doing this,

915
00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:24,587
isn't there some better way,
some sort of exchange?

916
00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:27,715
Have a penis? Give a penis.

917
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:29,676
Need a penis? Take a penis.

918
00:40:29,677 --> 00:40:32,680
I mean, there have to be
solutions, people.

919
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:36,850
But again, you know, liberals

920
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:40,270
understand and appreciate
and love the fact that

921
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,188
there are variations
in human sexuality.

922
00:40:42,189 --> 00:40:43,690
And it's great
we live in a time

923
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:46,526
when trans people can be
respected and protected

924
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:47,902
as they should be.

925
00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:51,197
But some of this is
also just trendy.

926
00:40:51,198 --> 00:40:55,910
Some of this is a TikTok
challenge that got out of hand.

927
00:40:55,911 --> 00:40:58,705
And we are the only country
who does it the way we do now.

928
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:00,790
All the other liberal
countries in the world,

929
00:41:00,791 --> 00:41:03,126
they pulled back because
they went with common sense

930
00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:04,544
and said, you know what?

931
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:05,962
Kids are--you know,
go through phases.

932
00:41:05,963 --> 00:41:08,089
Childhood is all phases.

933
00:41:08,090 --> 00:41:11,468
What, the Hello Kitty phase,
the dinosaur phase.

934
00:41:11,469 --> 00:41:12,886
One minute, you can't
get them out of the room.

935
00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,846
The next minute,
they wanna be an astronaut.

936
00:41:14,847 --> 00:41:16,764
If kids knew what they
wanted to be at five,

937
00:41:16,765 --> 00:41:20,560
the world would be full
of cowboys and princesses.

938
00:41:20,561 --> 00:41:22,729
I wanted to be a pirate.

939
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:24,481
Thank God they didn't
take me seriously

940
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:28,068
and scheduled me for eye
removal and peg leg surgery.

941
00:41:31,989 --> 00:41:33,740
All right, one more thing
about this, and then I'll

942
00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:36,577
go back to making
fun of Republicans, but--

943
00:41:39,371 --> 00:41:40,914
But it's interesting.

944
00:41:40,915 --> 00:41:42,874
When I was traveling this year,
'cause it's an election year,

945
00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:45,418
in many states--
red states, blue states--

946
00:41:45,419 --> 00:41:46,920
I saw all the ads
the congressional people

947
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:48,796
have up there,
and it's interesting.

948
00:41:48,797 --> 00:41:52,342
The Democrat ads, not one
of them ever uses the word

949
00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:55,053
"liberal," because
it's got so mixed up

950
00:41:55,054 --> 00:41:58,389
with woke bullshit that
they're embarrassed by it.

951
00:41:58,390 --> 00:42:02,977
But the Republicans cannot say
the word "conservative" enough.

952
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:07,273
It's a "Conservative Brad
Gunsberg is a conservative

953
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:08,983
"for conservative Pennsylvania.

954
00:42:08,984 --> 00:42:11,528
"Brad Gunsberg will
kill criminals

955
00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:15,448
"and bomb Mexico and tear
the dress off your son.

956
00:42:15,449 --> 00:42:19,744
"Brad Gunsberg, conservative,

957
00:42:19,745 --> 00:42:24,999
"will legalize horse fighting
and turn electric cars

958
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,292
"into electric chairs.

959
00:42:26,293 --> 00:42:28,295
Brad Gunsberg is
a conservative."

960
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:33,925
And those aren't even
the scary Republican ads.

961
00:42:33,926 --> 00:42:36,761
No, I've been to states where
they don't even mention policy.

962
00:42:36,762 --> 00:42:40,014
It's just a guy with a gun

963
00:42:40,015 --> 00:42:43,393
shooting at some shit
he don't like

964
00:42:43,394 --> 00:42:45,144
in a truck.

965
00:42:45,145 --> 00:42:48,523
Gun, truck, truck, gun.

966
00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:49,857
Me like these things you like.

967
00:42:49,858 --> 00:42:51,818
Vote me!

968
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:55,697
Really, it's on that level,
it's--

969
00:42:55,698 --> 00:42:58,491
oh, it's amazing what
Republicans like these days.

970
00:42:58,492 --> 00:42:59,909
I would never have guessed.

971
00:42:59,910 --> 00:43:01,494
Russia?

972
00:43:01,495 --> 00:43:02,745
They like Russia?

973
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:04,455
Fox News loves Russia.

974
00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:06,499
Wow, that's a big one.

975
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,502
And you know, we know a lot now

976
00:43:09,503 --> 00:43:12,130
about the typical
Fox News viewer.

977
00:43:12,131 --> 00:43:16,176
Their average age is
between 65 and decomposing.

978
00:43:18,804 --> 00:43:20,346
They are overwhelmingly white.

979
00:43:20,347 --> 00:43:21,848
They feel very cheated.

980
00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:24,350
And they think of themselves
as very patriotic.

981
00:43:24,351 --> 00:43:26,644
Well, let me stop you
right there.

982
00:43:26,645 --> 00:43:29,022
If you think what
happened on January 6th,

983
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,649
attacking the U.S. Capitol
to overturn

984
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:34,652
a free and fair election
is an act of patriotism,

985
00:43:34,653 --> 00:43:36,571
you're in a bigger bubble
than the one I just

986
00:43:36,572 --> 00:43:40,366
described on the left, okay?

987
00:43:40,367 --> 00:43:42,703
I'm no constitutional scholar.

988
00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:48,041
But I don't think it says,
in case of loss,

989
00:43:48,042 --> 00:43:49,667
install your guy anyway.

990
00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:51,169
So yes, I'll say it again.

991
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,672
The left is infuriating with
their aggressively

992
00:43:54,673 --> 00:43:57,759
anti-common sense agenda,
but that can be handled

993
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:00,553
through normal legislative
means and elections.

994
00:44:00,554 --> 00:44:02,263
But what the right is doing--

995
00:44:02,264 --> 00:44:05,308
not conceding elections--
no, when that's gone,

996
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:06,684
it's gone forever.

997
00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:09,854
It's like virginity.
And then you're a whore.

998
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:11,397
Is that what
you wanna be, America?

999
00:44:11,398 --> 00:44:13,733
A whore?

1000
00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:16,236
[chuckles]
Don't answer that.

1001
00:44:18,113 --> 00:44:19,739
And you know, people
say to me, well,

1002
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:21,282
but, Bill, the system held.

1003
00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:22,909
No, it didn't really.

1004
00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:25,203
The only reason we had
a smooth transition

1005
00:44:25,204 --> 00:44:27,455
is that the one party
in this country that

1006
00:44:27,456 --> 00:44:30,166
still concedes elections lost.

1007
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:33,295
That's the only reason
it was smooth.

1008
00:44:36,715 --> 00:44:39,258
So the system
didn't really hold,

1009
00:44:39,259 --> 00:44:40,927
and the system still sucks.

1010
00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:42,762
I mean, the electoral college?

1011
00:44:42,763 --> 00:44:45,140
It's the only thing worse
than regular college.

1012
00:44:47,059 --> 00:44:49,310
I mean, if Thomas Jefferson
was alive,

1013
00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:50,978
he would have two questions.

1014
00:44:50,979 --> 00:44:54,775
One, Hamilton gets
a musical before me?

1015
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:02,448
And two, we're still using
that thing from 1787?

1016
00:45:02,449 --> 00:45:06,411
I mean, I live in California
with 40 million people,

1017
00:45:06,412 --> 00:45:08,079
and we get two senators,

1018
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:12,625
and the Dakota territory
gets four.

1019
00:45:12,626 --> 00:45:14,752
Why are there two Dakotas?

1020
00:45:14,753 --> 00:45:16,922
Why is there one?

1021
00:45:20,175 --> 00:45:24,471
There are more people
in California named Dakota.

1022
00:45:30,185 --> 00:45:33,980
Not that California is not
an insane state, because it is.

1023
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:34,981
Oh, it is.

1024
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:36,691
I once tried
to cut down a tree.

1025
00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:38,401
I had 100 like it
in my backyard.

1026
00:45:38,402 --> 00:45:39,819
Can't do that in California.

1027
00:45:39,820 --> 00:45:41,779
I had to clear it
with the city, the state,

1028
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,406
the Environmental Review Board,

1029
00:45:43,407 --> 00:45:46,159
the Fish and Game people,
the Parks Department,

1030
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,328
the UN Security Council,

1031
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:51,122
and the 11 Berkeley students

1032
00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:53,292
who are now living
in the tree...

1033
00:45:56,170 --> 00:45:59,757
And won't come down until
I admit it has a soul.

1034
00:46:02,968 --> 00:46:05,511
And look, I wanna
be a good environmentalist.

1035
00:46:05,512 --> 00:46:07,096
I have tried.

1036
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:08,765
I think the best thing
I ever did for the cause was,

1037
00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:10,225
I never spawned.

1038
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:14,479
No, not--
this is not knocking kids.

1039
00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:15,897
Kids are wonderful
and important.

1040
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:18,400
They assembled my phone,
but, um--

1041
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:23,613
Well, come on, let's be honest.

1042
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:25,281
Everybody hates kids
these days.

1043
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,324
I mean, how can you not?

1044
00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:28,159
They're feral! They are.

1045
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:29,702
They're obnoxious,
undisciplined,

1046
00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:30,828
completely out of control.

1047
00:46:30,829 --> 00:46:36,209
I'm convinced this is why
anal is so popular these days.

1048
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:37,752
No, really.

1049
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:40,046
Because, you know,
condoms break, pills can fail,

1050
00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:41,714
but no sperm ever made it

1051
00:46:41,715 --> 00:46:44,133
out of the shit chute alive,
you know?

1052
00:46:44,134 --> 00:46:48,679
It's a real selling point
if you don't want kids.

1053
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,015
And--[laughs]

1054
00:46:51,016 --> 00:46:52,725
But, you know,
the abortion thing?

1055
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:54,310
Look, I personally
am pro-choice,

1056
00:46:54,311 --> 00:46:56,562
but, you know,
I'd like to stand up a little

1057
00:46:56,563 --> 00:46:57,688
for the pro-life people

1058
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:00,024
because they always get
accused of, you hate women.

1059
00:47:00,025 --> 00:47:01,692
You're just--
they don't hate women.

1060
00:47:01,693 --> 00:47:03,653
You just made that up.

1061
00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:04,987
They don't hate women.

1062
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:06,864
They think it's murder.

1063
00:47:06,865 --> 00:47:09,367
And it kind of is.

1064
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:11,245
I'm just okay with that.

1065
00:47:13,497 --> 00:47:14,831
Sorry, unborn.

1066
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,374
There's 8 billion
of us here already.

1067
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:18,501
[laughs]
We won't miss you.

1068
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,169
What can I say? How could we?

1069
00:47:20,170 --> 00:47:22,129
We never met you.
And you never met us.

1070
00:47:22,130 --> 00:47:24,508
How could you miss us?
This is not a tragedy.

1071
00:47:27,094 --> 00:47:29,470
Oh, Bill.
All life is precious.

1072
00:47:29,471 --> 00:47:31,138
Really? You know?

1073
00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:36,769
I mean, I--[scoffs] Harvey
Weinstein, Jeff Dahmer, Hitler.

1074
00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:39,814
I could name people, you know?

1075
00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:41,649
Remember Jeffrey Epstein?

1076
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:44,026
And he hung himself
in his jail cell,

1077
00:47:44,027 --> 00:47:45,736
and there was this big debate.

1078
00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:47,238
Did he really hang
himself in his jail cell,

1079
00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:49,198
or was he killed in there
to keep his mouth shut?

1080
00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:51,909
But nobody went,
what a shame about Jeff.

1081
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:54,453
I--I heard about it.

1082
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:56,039
I was sick all day.
I--

1083
00:47:57,624 --> 00:47:59,500
And by the way, it was
neither one of those things.

1084
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:00,793
He was a child molester.

1085
00:48:00,794 --> 00:48:02,420
Whenever a child molester
goes to prison,

1086
00:48:02,421 --> 00:48:05,840
the other prisoners always
kill the child molesters.

1087
00:48:05,841 --> 00:48:08,301
I love this about prisoners.
I do.

1088
00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:14,140
I gotta say, I find this
so adorable, so charming

1089
00:48:14,141 --> 00:48:16,018
that they have standards!

1090
00:48:17,311 --> 00:48:20,187
You, sir, are not welcome
in this establishment.

1091
00:48:20,188 --> 00:48:22,315
I've discussed it with the
other hatchet murderers,

1092
00:48:22,316 --> 00:48:25,234
rapists, thieves, cannibals,
and serial killers,

1093
00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:27,654
and members of the co-op board
and--

1094
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:31,824
You do not represent
our core values.

1095
00:48:31,825 --> 00:48:33,285
So you will have--

1096
00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:41,500
But I mean, the abortion thing,
a lot of that, come on,

1097
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:42,585
comes from religion.

1098
00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:44,003
And I'm not anti-religion.

1099
00:48:44,004 --> 00:48:46,297
- Ha!
[audience oohing]

1100
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:47,882
- Oh, wait, you're right.
I am.

1101
00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:49,425
I am very anti. You're right.

1102
00:48:49,426 --> 00:48:50,885
You got me. You got me.

1103
00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:52,303
I was thinking
of somebody else.

1104
00:48:52,304 --> 00:48:55,389
That is me. Very anti-religion.

1105
00:48:55,390 --> 00:48:56,682
[laughs] Okay.

1106
00:48:56,683 --> 00:48:58,684
[laughs] All right.

1107
00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,187
[laughs]

1108
00:49:02,397 --> 00:49:04,232
You got me.

1109
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:12,198
I'm anti-religion,
but I'm fair about it,

1110
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,076
because I concede that
religion does some good.

1111
00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:16,702
I mean, it keeps
some people in line.

1112
00:49:16,703 --> 00:49:18,412
It absolutely does.

1113
00:49:18,413 --> 00:49:20,998
It makes other people fly
planes into a building.

1114
00:49:20,999 --> 00:49:22,875
So we'll call that one
a push, okay?

1115
00:49:22,876 --> 00:49:24,210
But no.

1116
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:27,630
But it, uh--charity work,
very important.

1117
00:49:27,631 --> 00:49:29,840
Circumcision, I'm a huge fan.

1118
00:49:29,841 --> 00:49:31,968
Couldn't live in a world
without circumcision

1119
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:33,886
'cause I watch porn.

1120
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:38,641
And how can you
look at that thing,

1121
00:49:38,642 --> 00:49:42,980
let alone put it in your mouth,
for Christ's sake?

1122
00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:47,483
And if you have one,
I'm just kidding.

1123
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:49,068
[laughs] I'm just kidding.

1124
00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:50,736
Not really.
Cut that shit off.

1125
00:49:50,737 --> 00:49:52,405
It's the 21st century.

1126
00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:54,157
You're grossing
everybody out, Christ.

1127
00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:59,412
But I'll tell you something
interesting about that.

1128
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:01,872
If you get to a certain age
and you haven't completely

1129
00:50:01,873 --> 00:50:03,499
fallen apart,
people will say to you,

1130
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:05,334
as they sometimes say
to me, you look good.

1131
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:07,461
Did you ever have
plastic surgery?

1132
00:50:07,462 --> 00:50:10,297
And I always tell them
the truth, which is no,

1133
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:12,550
no judgment, just not for me.

1134
00:50:12,551 --> 00:50:15,261
And then I remember,
wait, you know what?

1135
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:19,181
When I was one day old, um...

1136
00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:22,018
I--I did have some work
done on my dick.

1137
00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:24,020
That's right.

1138
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:26,105
I--I was very
conflicted about it.

1139
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:28,816
Will it make me...
[laughs]

1140
00:50:28,817 --> 00:50:30,776
Not seem authentic?

1141
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:32,945
But I'm glad I did it.

1142
00:50:32,946 --> 00:50:35,072
But regular plastic surgery?

1143
00:50:35,073 --> 00:50:36,449
I don't understand that.

1144
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:39,118
Has no one noticed that
they haven't perfected this,

1145
00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:42,121
that they really
don't know how to do it?

1146
00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:45,958
Now you look old and weird.

1147
00:50:45,959 --> 00:50:48,002
How is that better
than just old?

1148
00:50:48,003 --> 00:50:49,712
Someone has to
explain this to me.

1149
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,089
And it puts a tremendous burden
on the people

1150
00:50:52,090 --> 00:50:55,468
who have to encounter you
after you've had it done.

1151
00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:57,636
I've had this happen many
times, where you see somebody,

1152
00:50:57,637 --> 00:51:01,974
and you go through, like, three
permutations in one second.

1153
00:51:01,975 --> 00:51:03,310
First, it's...

1154
00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:07,521
Who are you?

1155
00:51:07,522 --> 00:51:08,648
And then it's...

1156
00:51:10,317 --> 00:51:13,319
Oh, my God, it's you.

1157
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,071
Right into, you look great!

1158
00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:16,572
Boy, I tell you,
you look great.

1159
00:51:16,573 --> 00:51:18,199
I don't know what
you did to yourself.

1160
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:21,077
Oh, I know what you
did to yourself.

1161
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:24,288
But I tell you, I'm gonna be,
on my next birthday,

1162
00:51:24,289 --> 00:51:26,832
69, which, when you're--

1163
00:51:26,833 --> 00:51:29,335
oh, oh.

1164
00:51:29,336 --> 00:51:31,170
I never understand
what that applause is.

1165
00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:32,546
Hey, you're alive.
You're not dead.

1166
00:51:32,547 --> 00:51:33,631
Whoopee.

1167
00:51:33,632 --> 00:51:35,591
Okay, but it's funny.

1168
00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,635
When that is the number
you tell people,

1169
00:51:37,636 --> 00:51:38,886
they all do the same thing.

1170
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:41,722
Elbow in the ribs--ah, 69!

1171
00:51:41,723 --> 00:51:43,349
As if anybody ever did this.

1172
00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:46,227
It's the--it's the Myspace
of sex positions.

1173
00:51:46,228 --> 00:51:49,021
It is the Betamax
of fucking, right?

1174
00:51:49,022 --> 00:51:50,439
I mean, nobody can do--

1175
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:51,857
everybody thinks
they can multitask.

1176
00:51:51,858 --> 00:51:53,484
They can't. I tried it.

1177
00:51:53,485 --> 00:51:54,485
I couldn't do it.

1178
00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:56,237
Are you kidding?

1179
00:51:56,238 --> 00:51:58,364
You know that thing they say--
well, women say--that you're

1180
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:01,117
supposed to like, do the
alphabet with your tongue

1181
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:02,701
when you're going down on them?

1182
00:52:02,702 --> 00:52:04,703
Who can remember the alphabet
when you're

1183
00:52:04,704 --> 00:52:06,038
getting your dick sucked?

1184
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,540
I was like--

1185
00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:09,250
A--[laughs]

1186
00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:14,547
F, fa la la,
you know, Shohei Ohtani.

1187
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,133
I started mixing it up
with the baseball players

1188
00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:19,677
I was thinking about
to stop from coming.

1189
00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:21,470
I mean, it was just--

1190
00:52:21,471 --> 00:52:23,556
[laughs]

1191
00:52:23,557 --> 00:52:26,392
But can I ask a question
just of the women

1192
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:29,645
about that thing with when
the guy is doing the alphabet?

1193
00:52:29,646 --> 00:52:32,314
Um, can you tell
what letter we're on?

1194
00:52:32,315 --> 00:52:35,442
Because I--I would
really love to know that.

1195
00:52:35,443 --> 00:52:38,028
I--[laughs]

1196
00:52:38,029 --> 00:52:40,865
And a follow-up question,
does it have

1197
00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:42,575
to be the English alphabet?

1198
00:52:42,576 --> 00:52:47,413
Because I think you're missing
a big trick with Chinese.

1199
00:52:47,414 --> 00:52:50,791
It's 2,000 letters
and a lot of curlicues

1200
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:53,335
and the roof of the pagoda.

1201
00:52:53,336 --> 00:52:55,379
And, you know, I can
see a guy with a carton

1202
00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:58,257
from the takeout
place trying to

1203
00:52:58,258 --> 00:53:00,176
get it just right.

1204
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:04,263
[sighs] But let me just say--

1205
00:53:04,264 --> 00:53:05,890
let me go back
for one second to kids,

1206
00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:07,975
because I've said a lot of
bad things about the kids,

1207
00:53:07,976 --> 00:53:09,435
and I just--

1208
00:53:09,436 --> 00:53:11,187
I just wanna say one thing
from the bottom of my heart.

1209
00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:13,314
I really think that there's
never been a harder time

1210
00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:15,733
to be a parent, and my hat
is off to anybody

1211
00:53:15,734 --> 00:53:17,443
who'd be a parent, because

1212
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:19,320
you can't boss
kids around anymore.

1213
00:53:19,321 --> 00:53:24,366
My parents would be arrested
today, arrested,

1214
00:53:24,367 --> 00:53:26,619
for raising us
just the way everybody did.

1215
00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,704
You know, walking alone--
oh, Christ.

1216
00:53:28,705 --> 00:53:30,497
Call 911. What?

1217
00:53:30,498 --> 00:53:32,791
I used to come home
every day from school.

1218
00:53:32,792 --> 00:53:36,795
I would fly up to my room,
get into my play clothes,

1219
00:53:36,796 --> 00:53:38,339
fly out the door.

1220
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:42,259
My mother never once said,
where are you going?

1221
00:53:42,260 --> 00:53:44,178
Where am I going?

1222
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,263
Kid stuff.

1223
00:53:46,264 --> 00:53:47,806
I'm gonna do kid stuff.

1224
00:53:47,807 --> 00:53:50,310
What the fuck is it to you
where I'm going?

1225
00:53:51,686 --> 00:53:54,813
I'm gonna do whatever I do
between 3:00 and 6:00,

1226
00:53:54,814 --> 00:53:58,317
and you do whatever the fuck
you do between 3:00 and 6:00.

1227
00:53:58,318 --> 00:53:59,902
And I'll see you at dinner.

1228
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,362
"Where am I going?"

1229
00:54:01,363 --> 00:54:03,657
Nosy bitch. Jesus.

1230
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:06,493
"Where am I going?"

1231
00:54:12,332 --> 00:54:14,583
I mean, I feel like,
yeah, I don't have kids,

1232
00:54:14,584 --> 00:54:17,836
but everything I see with them,
it's just so ass-backwards.

1233
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:18,921
You know what I hear a lot?

1234
00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:20,589
My kid is my hero.

1235
00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:23,717
What? She's six.

1236
00:54:23,718 --> 00:54:26,513
Who's your kid?
Anne Frank, for Christ's sakes?

1237
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:31,183
And like, I mean, I see kids
in TV and movies and, you know,

1238
00:54:31,184 --> 00:54:34,520
like, the parents always
apologizing to the kids.

1239
00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:37,189
You know, everything--
sorry, buddy.

1240
00:54:37,190 --> 00:54:39,942
I let you down, buddy,
you know,

1241
00:54:39,943 --> 00:54:41,694
'cause Dad cheated
or something.

1242
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:44,238
Okay, well, you know,
Daddy gets erections.

1243
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:45,489
Maybe when you get erections,

1244
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,866
you'll be
a little more forgiving.

1245
00:54:47,867 --> 00:54:49,368
They're hard to refuse.

1246
00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:50,703
My whole life, people have
been saying, you know,

1247
00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:52,204
don't let your dick
rule your life.

1248
00:54:52,205 --> 00:54:53,706
Don't think with your dick.

1249
00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:55,749
Well, why not?
It's gonna win anyway.

1250
00:54:55,750 --> 00:54:58,585
[laughs]

1251
00:54:58,586 --> 00:55:02,548
Honestly, my dick is like the
dinosaurs in "Jurassic Park."

1252
00:55:02,549 --> 00:55:04,174
They're gonna get out, okay?

1253
00:55:04,175 --> 00:55:06,469
[laughs]
They're gonna get out and--

1254
00:55:09,639 --> 00:55:11,724
This may be why
I never got married.

1255
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,727
I don't know, but--

1256
00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:17,313
which is not
that rare anymore, I feel.

1257
00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:19,398
And yet people are endlessly
fascinated by this.

1258
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:20,399
Like, why didn't you
ever get married?

1259
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:21,942
I'll tell you.

1260
00:55:21,943 --> 00:55:23,235
It's not that complicated.

1261
00:55:23,236 --> 00:55:24,611
It's just personal taste.

1262
00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:27,072
Like, okay,
here's the number one reason.

1263
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:30,159
Whenever I ask married people,
like, about the marriage,

1264
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:34,913
the answer is always some
variation of, well, it's tough.

1265
00:55:34,914 --> 00:55:36,582
You know, it's, uh...

1266
00:55:36,583 --> 00:55:38,167
it's a lot of work.
It's a lot of work.

1267
00:55:38,168 --> 00:55:40,753
It's--it's never, yippee!

1268
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:43,005
Oh, ho, ho, ho!

1269
00:55:43,006 --> 00:55:44,423
Okay, I don't wanna work.

1270
00:55:44,424 --> 00:55:45,924
Does that make me shallow?
I don't care.

1271
00:55:45,925 --> 00:55:47,134
That's who I am.

1272
00:55:47,135 --> 00:55:49,386
I don't wanna work, just like
I don't wanna go on a hike.

1273
00:55:49,387 --> 00:55:50,596
Unless you like hiking.

1274
00:55:50,597 --> 00:55:52,806
See? Some people do.
It's just personal taste.

1275
00:55:52,807 --> 00:55:54,391
I went on one hike once.

1276
00:55:54,392 --> 00:55:56,935
Oh, God, I hated it.

1277
00:55:56,936 --> 00:55:58,312
It was, like, 20 years ago.

1278
00:55:58,313 --> 00:56:01,523
I had a girlfriend,
had a dog, and I had a dog.

1279
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:03,275
She said, let's take
the dogs on a hike.

1280
00:56:03,276 --> 00:56:05,569
Oh, fuck.

1281
00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:07,613
It was fucking hot and dusty.

1282
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:09,365
I hated the other hikers.

1283
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:12,618
My dog got about 20 feet
and just went, fuck this,

1284
00:56:12,619 --> 00:56:14,828
and laid down
on the--he's like,

1285
00:56:14,829 --> 00:56:18,791
I'm not doing this, hiking
in a fur coat in the summer.

1286
00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:19,834
Jesus.

1287
00:56:23,713 --> 00:56:25,172
Okay, so--and here's
another thing

1288
00:56:25,173 --> 00:56:26,465
that scares me about marriage.

1289
00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:27,800
Sometimes, I'm in a restaurant.

1290
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:29,510
I see across the way,
there's a table

1291
00:56:29,511 --> 00:56:31,303
and a couple sitting
across from each other,

1292
00:56:31,304 --> 00:56:32,638
and they're not speaking.

1293
00:56:32,639 --> 00:56:34,390
And I know they're married.

1294
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:37,559
And, uh, they're not mad
at each other.

1295
00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:40,979
They just ran out
of conversation in 2006.

1296
00:56:40,980 --> 00:56:42,731
It's the--

1297
00:56:42,732 --> 00:56:43,982
[laughs]

1298
00:56:43,983 --> 00:56:46,902
And every once in a while, one
of them will burble up some,

1299
00:56:46,903 --> 00:56:50,824
"Well, I see the school is
getting a new coat of paint."

1300
00:56:52,617 --> 00:56:55,369
I just wanna walk over
and place a revolver down

1301
00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:57,413
on the table and say,
if either one of you

1302
00:56:57,414 --> 00:56:59,998
wants to use this
on yourself or each other,

1303
00:56:59,999 --> 00:57:02,334
everyone here will
understand completely.

1304
00:57:02,335 --> 00:57:05,170
There'll be no judgment.

1305
00:57:05,171 --> 00:57:07,423
So--[laughs]

1306
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:09,174
And yes, I have
never actually been married,

1307
00:57:09,175 --> 00:57:11,885
but I've been in long-term
monogamous relationships.

1308
00:57:11,886 --> 00:57:13,345
I get the drill.

1309
00:57:13,346 --> 00:57:14,430
I know what it is.

1310
00:57:14,431 --> 00:57:15,973
I bet you, I--

1311
00:57:15,974 --> 00:57:19,685
I bet you, I share this
feeling that we've all had

1312
00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:21,228
in long-term relationships.

1313
00:57:21,229 --> 00:57:23,147
Tell me if this
isn't true, that,

1314
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:24,815
you know, sometimes you're--

1315
00:57:24,816 --> 00:57:28,026
you're home with your loved
one, your spouse, whatever,

1316
00:57:28,027 --> 00:57:33,031
and they're about to leave
for the airport on a trip.

1317
00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:36,618
[laughs]

1318
00:57:36,619 --> 00:57:41,123
I'm not saying you wish the
plane would go down, but...

1319
00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:42,958
it would solve
a lot of problems.

1320
00:57:42,959 --> 00:57:45,127
[laughs] It really would.

1321
00:57:45,128 --> 00:57:47,212
[groans and laughter]

1322
00:57:47,213 --> 00:57:49,673
No, I know it's terrible.
It's terrible.

1323
00:57:49,674 --> 00:57:52,050
And whenever I've had that
feeling and thought that,

1324
00:57:52,051 --> 00:57:54,470
I felt terrible...

1325
00:57:54,471 --> 00:57:57,431
for the other 200 people
on the plane who have to die

1326
00:57:57,432 --> 00:57:59,558
so that I can be happy again.

1327
00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:01,561
But something had to give.

1328
00:58:04,272 --> 00:58:05,898
And okay, just one more thing.

1329
00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:09,651
Also, when marriages go bad,
sometimes, they go so bad--

1330
00:58:09,652 --> 00:58:10,903
I don't know if you saw this.

1331
00:58:10,904 --> 00:58:12,613
It didn't get
a lot of coverage.

1332
00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:15,074
But a couple of years ago,
Johnny Depp got divorced.

1333
00:58:17,118 --> 00:58:19,077
Oh, you did see that? Okay.

1334
00:58:19,078 --> 00:58:22,372
Well, I mean, the things
they did to each other.

1335
00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:24,333
I mean, I may not
be a Johnny Depp,

1336
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:27,170
but no girl ever
shit in my bed, okay?

1337
00:58:29,839 --> 00:58:32,424
And I did once have a fight
about the bed.

1338
00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:34,343
It wasn't about that,
not about shit.

1339
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:36,929
But--and I will
preface this by saying,

1340
00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:40,015
I think women are perfect
ethereal creatures,

1341
00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:43,060
and I will fight anybody
who says different.

1342
00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:46,313
- Whoo!
- Thank you.

1343
00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:49,358
But once in a blue moon, you
get one who's a little pushy,

1344
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:51,527
just once in a blue moon.

1345
00:58:51,528 --> 00:58:54,655
And this girl--and we weren't
even together that long.

1346
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:58,325
And she says to me,
"I want you to get a new bed."

1347
00:58:58,326 --> 00:58:59,451
I said, what?

1348
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,286
"I want you to get a new bed."

1349
00:59:01,287 --> 00:59:02,621
Why?

1350
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:05,791
"You've had other girls
in that bed."

1351
00:59:05,792 --> 00:59:08,126
I said, you've had other men
in your vagina.

1352
00:59:08,127 --> 00:59:12,298
But are we gonna get a new
one of those, for crying--

1353
00:59:16,052 --> 00:59:19,846
But I gotta say, I think
that a woman getting mad

1354
00:59:19,847 --> 00:59:22,641
at you for having had
other women in your bed,

1355
00:59:22,642 --> 00:59:24,476
it's just more evidence
that humans

1356
00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:26,103
aren't really that different.

1357
00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:28,522
I know the kids think that
they can reinvent humanity

1358
00:59:28,523 --> 00:59:30,148
and that we're all fluid now,

1359
00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:33,485
and gay and trans and
non-binary and on the spectrum,

1360
00:59:33,486 --> 00:59:35,404
but we're not.
How do I know we're not?

1361
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:37,322
Because "The Bachelor"
is still on.

1362
00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:40,158
That's how I know.

1363
00:59:40,159 --> 00:59:41,910
So--and look.

1364
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:44,705
Again, if you're not that,
if you're something different,

1365
00:59:44,706 --> 00:59:47,040
again, we applaud this.
Progress, we love it.

1366
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:50,752
Facebook has 56--
56--gender categories.

1367
00:59:50,753 --> 00:59:52,462
I'm happy for all of you.

1368
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:53,672
Great. Enjoy.

1369
00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:55,507
I'm sure there are
people who, you know,

1370
00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:58,136
identify as a cat and shit
in a litter box, but--

1371
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:03,390
And I'm happy--and I'm happy
for you that you live now

1372
01:00:03,391 --> 01:00:04,850
in the age of the internet.

1373
01:00:04,851 --> 01:00:06,643
Because before the internet,
those kind of lives,

1374
01:00:06,644 --> 01:00:09,062
if you were different,
must have been very lonely.

1375
01:00:09,063 --> 01:00:14,026
But now, whatever you're into,
you know, just type it in--

1376
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:16,862
and to get off, I need
a lesbian to pee on me

1377
01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:18,864
while I play with toy trains.

1378
01:00:18,865 --> 01:00:20,532
In two minutes,
there'll be 300 weirdos.

1379
01:00:20,533 --> 01:00:22,701
Me too.
I--

1380
01:00:22,702 --> 01:00:24,453
what kind of trains do you use?

1381
01:00:24,454 --> 01:00:26,372
I only use Lionel.
I--

1382
01:00:31,919 --> 01:00:34,087
And I will also say--
and please, I apologize

1383
01:00:34,088 --> 01:00:36,340
to being crude,
but it's just true--

1384
01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:39,885
I'm sorry, girls like dick.

1385
01:00:39,886 --> 01:00:41,386
They just do.
[women cheering]

1386
01:00:41,387 --> 01:00:43,221
See?

1387
01:00:43,222 --> 01:00:44,848
How do I know this?

1388
01:00:44,849 --> 01:00:47,142
Because they're willing to
put up with men to get some.

1389
01:00:47,143 --> 01:00:48,227
That's how I know this.

1390
01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:53,940
And I know men are bad because
they keep making movies where

1391
01:00:53,941 --> 01:00:58,779
beautiful women will date
and fuck and fall in love

1392
01:00:58,780 --> 01:01:02,616
with entities that are barely
human

1393
01:01:02,617 --> 01:01:04,409
or not human at all.

1394
01:01:04,410 --> 01:01:05,911
Did you see
"The Shape of Water"

1395
01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:08,121
won the big Oscar
a few years ago?

1396
01:01:08,122 --> 01:01:09,998
Oh, she fucks a fish.

1397
01:01:09,999 --> 01:01:12,042
I mean--

1398
01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:13,585
but a nice fish.

1399
01:01:13,586 --> 01:01:16,046
That's the message
of all these movies.

1400
01:01:16,047 --> 01:01:17,798
That's how bad it is out there.

1401
01:01:17,799 --> 01:01:21,010
Just be nice to her,
and you can get laid as a fish.

1402
01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:24,304
You know,
"Beauty and the Beast,"

1403
01:01:24,305 --> 01:01:25,430
it's right in the title.

1404
01:01:25,431 --> 01:01:27,849
He's a beast,
but he's nice to her.

1405
01:01:27,850 --> 01:01:31,353
King Kong is a gentleman.

1406
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:32,729
He could kill her.

1407
01:01:32,730 --> 01:01:34,606
He's got her in his hand.
He could squeeze you to death.

1408
01:01:34,607 --> 01:01:36,066
No, he takes you
to a nice restaurant

1409
01:01:36,067 --> 01:01:38,151
on the top
of the Empire State Building.

1410
01:01:38,152 --> 01:01:40,362
It's very romantic.

1411
01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:45,742
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
is not a great-looking guy.

1412
01:01:45,743 --> 01:01:48,787
He gets laid because
he writes her poetry.

1413
01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:50,957
He doesn't send a dick pic!

1414
01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:57,838
I mean, guys these days,
they're so lazy, you know?

1415
01:01:57,839 --> 01:01:59,631
I mean, they think they're
gonna get laid with just,

1416
01:01:59,632 --> 01:02:01,091
ooh, what's up?

1417
01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:02,301
Eggplant.

1418
01:02:04,762 --> 01:02:08,515
I mean, guys, women have
not changed that much.

1419
01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:09,808
They're communicative
creatures.

1420
01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:11,268
They need to be wooed.

1421
01:02:11,269 --> 01:02:13,562
You gotta think of that pussy
like a nightclub,

1422
01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:16,231
and you're not on the list.

1423
01:02:16,232 --> 01:02:19,067
You gotta talk your way
into that shit.

1424
01:02:19,068 --> 01:02:20,986
You gotta compliment
their hair,

1425
01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:25,324
notice what they're wearing,
and ask about their day.

1426
01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:32,748
I know, it's a
fucking nightmare,

1427
01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:34,750
but you gotta do it.

1428
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,460
You gotta do it.

1429
01:02:36,461 --> 01:02:38,253
Just don't overdo it.

1430
01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:39,588
We have that problem too.

1431
01:02:39,589 --> 01:02:41,339
See, this country
can never correct,

1432
01:02:41,340 --> 01:02:42,716
always has to overcorrect.

1433
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:45,135
So now we've also
pussified too many men.

1434
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:47,137
I saw the last--

1435
01:02:47,138 --> 01:02:50,182
most recent, anyway--
James Bond movie.

1436
01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:51,308
Anybody see this?

1437
01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:53,685
Oh, my God,
they pussified James Bond.

1438
01:02:53,686 --> 01:02:56,438
He literally takes
his girlfriend and her kid

1439
01:02:56,439 --> 01:02:58,023
on his mission
to save the world.

1440
01:02:58,024 --> 01:03:00,025
He practically
stops off at Target

1441
01:03:00,026 --> 01:03:04,988
to buy tampons on the way to
the underground volcano lair.

1442
01:03:04,989 --> 01:03:06,656
Oh, for Christ's sake,
can't we have

1443
01:03:06,657 --> 01:03:09,659
one badass, toxic,
masculine guy

1444
01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:11,328
who fights crime in a tuxedo?

1445
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:13,538
They've been making
this movie for 60 years.

1446
01:03:13,539 --> 01:03:15,207
It's a formula.

1447
01:03:15,208 --> 01:03:19,002
James Bond always fucks three
hot chicks in every movie.

1448
01:03:19,003 --> 01:03:21,922
He fucks
the scientist's daughter,

1449
01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:24,883
he fucks the bad guy's
girlfriend,

1450
01:03:24,884 --> 01:03:28,678
and he fucks the super hot
British agent he's working with

1451
01:03:28,679 --> 01:03:30,138
who's always, like,
prim and proper

1452
01:03:30,139 --> 01:03:32,432
and "Mr. Bond,
I know your reputation.

1453
01:03:32,433 --> 01:03:33,558
Don't think you're going to"--

1454
01:03:33,559 --> 01:03:36,061
cut to...
[groaning]

1455
01:03:36,062 --> 01:03:37,771
Every time.

1456
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:41,191
[humming "James Bond" theme]

1457
01:03:41,192 --> 01:03:43,194
[as Sean Connery]
Thank you, Ms. Hot Pussy.

1458
01:03:45,530 --> 01:03:48,532
[laughs]

1459
01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:50,450
All right.
I think we did good.

1460
01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:52,911
Uh--[laughs]

1461
01:03:52,912 --> 01:03:55,206
I know you did great.

1462
01:03:56,749 --> 01:03:59,334
No.

1463
01:03:59,335 --> 01:04:02,212
I think we did good because we
sat together, people who don't

1464
01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:04,172
necessarily agree
on everything,

1465
01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:05,924
and that's what we have to do.

1466
01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:08,635
We have to sit together
again, talk to each other,

1467
01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:10,263
don't cut each other off.

1468
01:04:12,139 --> 01:04:15,267
Talk, just not about politics.

1469
01:04:15,268 --> 01:04:17,978
This is what we
never used to do.

1470
01:04:17,979 --> 01:04:19,980
I remember my parents
with their friends.

1471
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:21,898
They had an inkling,
sometimes, that their friends

1472
01:04:21,899 --> 01:04:23,525
didn't share their politics.

1473
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:24,860
But they didn't go there.

1474
01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:26,820
It was literally
considered impolite.

1475
01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:29,072
We had no idea how much
we hated each other,

1476
01:04:29,073 --> 01:04:31,783
and it worked out
so much better.

1477
01:04:31,784 --> 01:04:33,910
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

1478
01:04:33,911 --> 01:04:35,745
I love this city.

1479
01:04:35,746 --> 01:04:36,788
I love playing here.

1480
01:04:36,789 --> 01:04:37,956
You've always been great to me.

1481
01:04:37,957 --> 01:04:39,708
Thank you, Chicago.

1482
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:41,459
Thank you to everybody who
worked with me

1483
01:04:41,460 --> 01:04:43,044
on this show here.

1484
01:04:43,045 --> 01:04:44,921
They did a hell of a job.

1485
01:04:44,922 --> 01:04:47,424
And I'll see you next week
on "Real Time."

1486
01:04:47,425 --> 01:04:49,175
Thank you very much.

1487
01:04:49,176 --> 01:04:56,225
<i>♪ ♪</i>

1488
01:06:47,545 --> 01:06:50,047
[bright tone]