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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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- ["Ramblin" playing]
- [audience cheering and applauding]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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Bert Kreischer.
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♪ Well, I was born with a travelin' bone ♪
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♪ Can't hang around for too long ♪
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♪ Been followin' that long white line ♪
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♪ Coast to coast, new town every night ♪
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♪ I was born to ramble ♪
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♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
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♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
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♪ So I'll keep ramblin' on ♪
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♪ Well, I've seen Boston, San Antone ♪
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♪ Kansas City, just a-rollin' along ♪
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[song fades]
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It is nice to be home.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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It's also nice to not be fat as fuck.
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[audience laughs]
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[laughs] I'm still fat, but...
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[laughs]
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It got away from me for a little while.
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I lost 45 pounds.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Yeah.
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You're never gonna believe this,
I lost so much weight,
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the other night
I saw my wife suck my dick.
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[audience laughing and cheering]
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With my own eyes.
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I saw it. Chupacabra is real.
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[audience laughs]
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It freaked me out.
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[audience laughs]
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I look down, I'm used to seeing belly,
and I went, "What the fuck?"
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[audience laughs]
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I freaked her out too.
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I was like,
"Alexa, turn on bedroom lights."
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[audience laughs]
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I kind of wish I hadn't seen it.
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[audience laughs]
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It's better in your imagination.
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When you're a big guy,
been doing it in the dark,
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not looking over the belly 'cause
if you lean too hard, you shit the bed...
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[audience laughs]
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You just hear it for years,
and it just gets better and better, like...
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[slurping]
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Sounds like a mom
cleaning up her kid's ice cream cone
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on a hot summer day.
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Just... [slurping]
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[audience laughing]
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Then I saw it.
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[laughs awkwardly]
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Looked like someone
trying boba for the first time, just...
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That scared look,
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knowing something's about
to shoot down their throat, just not when.
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[audience laughs]
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I love my wife.
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She's fifty--
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Ooh, I almost threw up saying it.
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[audience laughs]
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Fifty-three. Ha!
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I'll tell ya, hmm, baby.
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[audience laughs]
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Every time I have sex with her,
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I realize I'm fucking
the oldest person I've ever fucked.
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[audience laughs]
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And I like it. That's the creepy part.
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If you showed me
a picture of my wife naked today
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to me at 18 years old, I'd be like,
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"Am I in a wheelchair?"
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[audience laughs]
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Then you start having sex
with a menopausal chick,
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and you're like, "Fuck, yeah!"
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It's like your old baseball glove
that you've had for 20 years.
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Smells good,
your fingers fit in it just right.
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If you put your fingers in,
you're like, "Why so big?"
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I've had it for a long time.
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[audience laughs]
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Creased in the right places
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and you've been slamming balls
into it for 25 years.
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Here's the deal,
I couldn't fuck what you fuck.
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You fuck Fireball shots.
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I don't want that.
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I want menopause,
that's a glass of scotch.
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[audience laughs]
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It's just meant for the men,
you wouldn't get it.
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[audience laughs]
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Complex, smoky, full-bodied.
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I don't know what I'd say
to a 20-year-old after sex.
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"You can play on your iPad
for 15 minutes."
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[audience laughing and whooping]
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I need a chick
that sweats while she sleeps.
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[audience laughs]
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They fucking sweat, bro.
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My wife sweats
like a Black preacher on Sundays.
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[audience laughs]
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Hugging her in the morning
is like hugging a goddamn dolphin.
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Just wet and... [imitates dolphin squeaking]
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Her tits stink.
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[audience laughs]
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No, they're great tits.
It's just, they smell.
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[audience laughs]
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I was taking a dump one morning,
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she's sniffing her bra, I go,
"What the fuck are you doing?"
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She goes, "This don't smell right."
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[audience laughs]
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I was like, how bad could it be?
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Like a hockey glove. I was like...
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[audience laughs]
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"We gotta wash your tits, honey.
That's my favorite part of your body."
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They put her on, uh...
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Put her on testosterone and progesterone.
I'm not allowed to tell you that, but...
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[audience laughs]
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I don't know what it does medically.
I can just tell you personally,
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it turned her into a whore.
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She is fucking me
like she's trying to give me AIDS.
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This woman
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has sex like she's trying
to earn a green card.
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[audience laughs]
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She called me the other night, goes,
"You wanna have phone sex?"
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I was like, "Abso-fucking-lutely."
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For 20 years,
I've wanted to have phone sex.
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She goes,
"Call me when you get to your tour bus."
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I sprinted...
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[audience laughs]
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...to my tour bus with a hard dick.
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- You know how difficult that is?
- [audience laughs]
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I don't know how rapists do it.
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[audience exclaiming and laughing]
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And then I got there,
and I had the pleasure of having phone sex
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with a 53-year-old woman
who's never watched pornography
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and doesn't know all the cool angles.
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She's got it on landscape on a pillow.
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I see a little nipple and a ceiling fan.
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[audience laughs]
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And you gotta massage that moment,
you can't piss her off.
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'Cause your brain's going, "Crisscross
applesauce, bitch. I wanna see pussy!"
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But you can't say that. You gotta be like,
"Hey, maybe we go portrait mode?"
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[audience laughs]
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"On your heels,
so I can get more of an upward shot
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of your front bottoms?"
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She goes, "You wanna look at my coochie?"
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I'm like, "That's not what I said."
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[audience laughs]
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She goes, "Wanna look at my cooter?"
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- I'm like, "Stop talking. Let's not talk."
- [audience laughs]
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She goes, "I know what you want,
you wanna watch me butter my bread."
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I was like, "Slow down, Dolly Parton."
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[audience laughs]
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And then she started buttering her bread.
I was like, "Yeah, butter your bread."
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[audience laughs]
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Whatever you call it in Pigeon Forge,
do more of that.
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And then she said to me,
"I wanna watch you."
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I was like, "That's not how this works."
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[audience laughs]
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"I'm down here. You look at my face."
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She goes,
"I'll stop unless I can see you."
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[exhales sharply] The most humiliating
three minutes of my life.
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My phone, portrait mode,
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three feet from me,
just staring at that little box up top.
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Seeing myself just...
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughs]
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And there's a new function on FaceTime.
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I don't know if you've seen it,
but if you give a thumbs up...
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[audience laughs]
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...it blasts a thumbs-up for you.
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[audience laughs]
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And the head of my dick, in my hand,
looks a lot like a thumbs up.
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[audience laughs]
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I'm hammering the screen, just...
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Goosh! Goosh! Goosh-goosh!
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We're so old, she goes,
"Are people watching us?"
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[audience laughs]
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I don't fucking know.
I'm like, "Am I live-streaming this?"
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[audience laughs]
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"They're liking it, honey.
They're really liking it."
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"I didn't think anyone was gonna like
this Gilbert Grape sex tape, but fuck it."
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Just Mama and Arnie going at it.
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"I can climb, Gilbert."
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I was wearing my readers.
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[audience laughs]
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Do you know how embarrassing
that would have been to leak that?
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I just look like a sad sailor, just...
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[audience laughs]
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Tits touching belly.
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[audience laughs]
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Did you get readers yet, sir?
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You got your readers, you got-- [laughs]
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That's old people shit right there.
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That's old people shit.
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I got readers. I had to.
I fought it for a long time.
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Then we had an incident.
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Taking my oldest daughter,
Georgia, to college.
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We have a travel agent,
travel agent texts and says,
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"I have two trucks on hold for you,
an Armada and an Escalade."
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I am unfamiliar with the Armada,
so I just write back,
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"I want the bigger truck."
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Did you know
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the letter B
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on a keyboard...
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[crowd exclaiming softly]
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[audience laughs]
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...is right next to the letter N?
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[audience laughs]
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I sent a hate crime...
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[audience laughs]
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...to a woman named Felicia.
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[audience laughs]
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In a panic, I show it to my daughter.
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She goes,
"What the fuck did you tell her?"
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[audience laughs]
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Luckily, she was cool.
She was like, "Escalade it is."
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[audience laughs]
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- [laughs]
- [[audience whooping and applauding]
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I don't type the word "bigger"
at all anymore.
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It's "bigga" just to be safe.
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[audience laughs]
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LeeAnn got me the readers.
She goes to my doctor's appointments now.
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That's old people shit.
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When your wife goes
and takes notes for you.
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I went to a cardiologist appointment,
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she goes, "I don't think he's saying
what you say he's saying."
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And he absolutely was not.
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I gave her the news I wanted to hear.
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I can work this guy. If I made him laugh,
he'd forget what we were talking about,
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and I can get pills.
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I walk in, he goes,
"What are you doing to lose weight?"
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I was like,
"I switched my scale to kilograms."
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[audience laughs]
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LeeAnn's like, "Stop it." I go,
"You stop it. This is how I get Xanax."
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[audience laughs]
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She took me to get readers,
and she picked out the readers.
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And I put them on,
and I look cute as fuck with readers on.
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I put them on at home
lying in bed waiting for her to walk in.
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She walks in, she goes, "Damn,
you look cute in them glasses, boy."
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[audience laughs]
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I was like, "Suck this dick, bitch."
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[audience laughs]
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She came in to give me a kiss,
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and I realized I have not seen this woman
in high-def in ten fucking years.
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[audience laughs]
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I stepped on those glasses,
saved my marriage.
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Here's the deal. Here--
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No, fuck you.
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I love her. You know I love her. I do.
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If she cheated on me, I'd murder her.
That's love, right?
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[audience laughs]
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00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:18,158
Don't worry, I'd kill my daughters too.
I'm not gonna be a single parent.
251
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,868
[audience laughs]
252
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:20,869
Starting clean.
253
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:24,165
I get $2 million if she dies.
What the fuck?
254
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,916
How are you supposed
to be sad at a funeral...
255
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:28,418
[audience laughs]
256
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,754
...when you know you have a boat showing up?
257
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:33,674
- [audience laughs]
- [laughing]
258
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:38,678
- [snorts then continues laughing]
- [audience laughs]
259
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:39,763
Here's the deal, the key.
260
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,766
For anyone that's in the situation
we're in, our kids going to college,
261
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,101
you get a little older,
here's the key to a happy marriage.
262
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:47,479
I do this every morning,
and I'm being real.
263
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,357
Every morning, I find my wife,
no matter where she is.
264
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,735
And I don't say anything,
I just go up, I give her a big hug.
265
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,154
And I lean over her,
and I give her a kiss.
266
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:58,281
And she looks up at me,
and she kisses me back.
267
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,743
And it reminds me, at that moment,
268
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,578
of the woman, the girl, I married.
269
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,163
- [woman whoops]
- That's right.
270
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,540
- [women cheering]
- You hear them cheering, gentlemen?
271
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,710
It's 'cause they know
when they look up, their skin tightens.
272
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,128
[audience laughs]
273
00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:15,757
And if you grab 'em by the ears and pull
back, you're like, "There she is!"
274
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:16,841
[audience laughs]
275
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,219
That's the chick
that sucks dick on a Jet Ski.
276
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,553
[audience laughs]
277
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,389
She used to. Yeah, she's a redneck.
278
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,057
Did you ever fuck a redneck?
279
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:27,435
It's like catching a hog in the wild,
it's fucking crazy.
280
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,855
Real redneck. Like "discipline your dog
with a shovel" kind of redneck.
281
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:34,192
Like "we had to get rid of a couple
of her dad's flags" kind of redneck.
282
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,110
[audience laughs]
283
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,736
She's so redneck,
284
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,447
she's got two cousins
285
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,949
who are married.
286
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,659
[audience laughs]
287
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,160
And they have a child.
288
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,371
[audience exclaims]
289
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,416
My daughter Ila heard that and goes,
"That's not supposed to happen."
290
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:50,667
[audience laughs]
291
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:54,922
My wife, the love of my life,
said to all of us with a straight face
292
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,342
a phrase I will put
on a fucking T-shirt one day.
293
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,637
She looked at us
with a straight face and goes, "Shit."
294
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,472
"They's kin, but they ain't blood."
295
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,559
[audience laughs]
296
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,565
We're talking about incest, you know that.
297
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,066
[audience laughs]
298
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,153
And she said, "They's kin,
299
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,405
but they ain't blood"?
300
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:21,824
I met their child.
301
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,160
[audience laughs]
302
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,286
They blood.
303
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,620
[audience laughs]
304
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,789
They blood as fuck.
They Suge Knight blood.
305
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,167
"What's up, coz?"
306
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,545
This mouth-breathing,
window-licking ninny. [laughs]
307
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:38,381
He's the dumbest person I've ever met,
and I grew up in Lutz, okay?
308
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,469
[audience cheering and applauding]
309
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,141
I'm in Alabama. I'm on the dock.
310
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,811
Sun's setting, shirt's off,
cocktail in my hand, having a moment,
311
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,105
and all of a sudden, I smell baby redneck.
312
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,732
[audience laughs]
313
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,317
Cheetos and Mello Yello.
314
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,943
[audience laughs]
315
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,404
Look over, Sling Blade's staring at me.
316
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,947
[audience laughs]
317
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,701
He just goes,
[in Southern accent] "Hey, mister."
318
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,287
"Throw me in the water."
319
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,081
[audience laughs]
320
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,336
[audience laughs]
321
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:17,837
[in normal voice] I go, "Just jump."
322
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:19,172
[audience laughs]
323
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,258
He goes, [in Southern accent] "Nah."
324
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:23,761
"Throw me in the water."
325
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,930
[in normal voice]
I go, "Buddy, if you lean,
326
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,097
it'll happen."
327
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,057
[audience laughs]
328
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,141
And then he smiles,
329
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:33,311
[in Southern accent]
"Come on, mister, do me WWE style."
330
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:34,479
"Throw me in the water."
331
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,398
[in normal voice] I'm like,
"Bitch, it's on."
332
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,983
I had two little girls,
I never got to fuck them up.
333
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,528
I'm gonna fuck this kid up.
334
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,904
If I do it right,
I'll knock the wind out of him,
335
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,156
which is the sweetest sound
you'll hear out of a child.
336
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:49,118
[imitates child moaning]
337
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,037
[audience laughs]
338
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:54,749
Top five best sounds you'll ever hear.
Number one, woman or-- No, no, no.
339
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:58,002
Number one, deaf person laughing.
That's the best fucking sound.
340
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:01,172
And that's meant with love.
It's joy, unbridled, uncut.
341
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,966
[snorting and laughing]
342
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,175
No fentanyl.
343
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,969
[snorting and laughing]
344
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:08,972
You get two deaf people laughing,
it sounds like they're kicking pigeons.
345
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:10,348
[audience laughs]
346
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,811
Secret time. I had a hotel room
next to two deaf people fucking once.
347
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:16,604
I jacked off twice.
348
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:17,897
[audience laughs]
349
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:18,857
I did.
350
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,942
I thought they were fighting over a pizza.
351
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,652
- Anyway...
- [audience laughs]
352
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,154
So I grabbed this fat fuck by the throat,
turned him around,
353
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:26,990
back to the lake, pop him up,
354
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:29,534
Undertaker chokeslam, just... [grunts]
355
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:32,120
As I push, I hear his mom at the house go,
356
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,038
[in Southern accent] "He can't swim!"
357
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,248
[audience laughs]
358
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,625
[in normal voice]
Fucking Lennie from Of Mice and Men here...
359
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,043
[audience laughs]
360
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,879
...forgot he never learned how to swim.
361
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,466
And now I look like the hand of God,
"Just die, devil seed."
362
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:47,844
Radio hits the water, he disappears.
363
00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:49,095
[audience laughs]
364
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:52,516
Now all the moms are like,
"Bert, save that baby boy!"
365
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,685
Part of me is thinking,
"Maybe this is natural selection."
366
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:56,895
[audience laughs]
367
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,397
But I saved him.
368
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:00,481
He kin.
369
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,900
[audience laughs]
370
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,652
Shit, he kin to himself.
371
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,362
Get him to the shallow water.
372
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:09,490
And he says the best sentence
I've ever heard of child say.
373
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:10,408
Can you guess?
374
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,535
[audience members speaking indistinctly]
375
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:13,495
Nope. Nope. No.
376
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:15,122
Nope.
377
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:16,665
Nope.
378
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:20,460
- [in Southern accent] "I can't swim."
- [audience laughs]
379
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,754
[in normal voice]
I was like, "No shit, fuck face."
380
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,424
"That's why we're both wet right now.
You know that, huh?"
381
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,218
He goes, [in Southern accent] "Mister,
I thought I had my life preserver on."
382
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:30,303
[audience laughs]
383
00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,389
Broke my heart. I've been there.
I was like, "Those are your titties."
384
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,224
[audience laughs]
385
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,477
And then his mom comes down,
lights him up. She goes,
386
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,647
"I don't know what's wrong with that boy."
I was like, "Uh..."
387
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:41,856
[audience laughs]
388
00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:44,192
LeeAnn comes down, yells at me,
because apparently,
389
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,861
I took my vape pen
out of my pocket before I jumped in.
390
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,154
[audience laughs]
391
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:50,740
Then they leave,
and it's me and him in chest-high water
392
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,450
like two limp dicks in an orgy.
393
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,868
[audience laughs]
394
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,580
He looks at me and goes,
[in Southern accent] "I'm sorry, mister."
395
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,458
"I didn't mean to get us in trouble."
396
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:02,920
"But if I put my life preserver on,
397
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:05,964
would you throw me in the water?"
398
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,173
[audience laughs]
399
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:10,760
I was like, "I can't think of anything
I wanna do more in this fucking world
400
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:13,846
than spend my day getting high,
throwing your ass in the water."
401
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:16,724
Every time he got up to the edge
of the dock, it made me laugh
402
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,227
'cause he'd go, "Hold on, now."
403
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,520
It's on.
404
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,689
[audience laughs]
405
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,525
Dude, this kid's lucky to be alive.
406
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:27,485
I'm the luckiest person you'll ever meet.
407
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:31,280
I'm telling you right now.
I don't deserve anything I have.
408
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:33,741
Beautiful wife, beautiful kids, great--
409
00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,868
I-- I'm so lucky
410
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:38,663
that if you hang out with me,
you'll get lucky.
411
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,957
I swear to God, I'm so lucky
412
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:44,085
that if you lose something,
I'll be the person that finds it.
413
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:46,838
If I'm there, I'll find it.
I'm gonna tell you two stories.
414
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,716
One little sample story, so you understand
what we're talking about.
415
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,177
The other one, that's the big story.
416
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:53,971
Sample story.
417
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:56,139
13 years ago,
I take the girls to the beach,
418
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,056
me and LeeAnn.
419
00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,434
We're sitting between a motocross couple
and a Black couple.
420
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:02,687
I say "Motocross" 'cause they were white
and covered in tattoos. Now...
421
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,981
[audience laughs]
422
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,149
Yeah.
423
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,442
How do you say it?
424
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,819
[audience laughing]
425
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:13,907
- [laughing]
- [audience continues laughing]
426
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:20,581
- This show is going really well. [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
427
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:22,665
Black guy...
428
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,209
Black guy takes his blanket,
flips it to get the sand off,
429
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,420
wedding ring flies off his finger
in the sand, he goes,
430
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,172
"Oh, shit, I just lost my wedding ring."
431
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,717
I hear the word "lost,"
my dick gets hard. Boom.
432
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,634
I know my superhuman power.
433
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,138
I stand up, I said,
"My name's Bert Kreischer."
434
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,848
"I find lost things."
435
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,641
[audience laughs]
436
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:43,270
LeeAnn knows.
She goes, "Oh, shit. Here we go again."
437
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,064
"Here's the deal,
he's gonna find your wedding ring."
438
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,942
"You gotta put up with all the bullshit
he's about to put you through."
439
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:52,195
So we all searched.
Motocross couple, Black couple, my family,
440
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,113
we all search for 30 minutes,
then they give up.
441
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:56,282
Now it's me and the Black dude
on our hands and knees
442
00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:58,451
like a team, like Blazing Saddles.
443
00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:00,036
That's probably a bad example.
444
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,121
[audience laughs]
445
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,082
We searched for 30 minutes,
then he gives up.
446
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:07,460
He says, "We're not gonna find it."
I said, "You are not gonna find it."
447
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,378
"My name's Bert Kreischer."
448
00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:12,132
"I find lost things,
don't ever forget that."
449
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:17,261
He sits down, and I search
by myself for maybe five minutes.
450
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:20,181
And as my fingers glide through the sand,
451
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:25,978
his wedding ring slides onto my finger,
as if the Lord himself
452
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:29,607
placed it there and said,
"Don't let them forget who you are...
453
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,526
[audience laughs]
454
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,985
...and what you do."
455
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,278
[audience laughs]
456
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,739
I got chill bumps. I stood there silent.
457
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,866
No one's looking at me.
I look at the motocross guy.
458
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,910
I go, "Hey, man,
you got Google on your phone?"
459
00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:41,953
He goes, "Yeah."
460
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,623
I said, "Google the name Bert Kreischer,
see what it says he does."
461
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,917
LeeAnn goes, "Oh, shit.
He just found your wedding ring."
462
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,210
[audience laughs]
463
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:52,256
Motocross guy goes,
"It says he finds lost things."
464
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:56,008
Black guy goes, "You found my ring?"
I go, "I'm not speaking to you right now."
465
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:56,968
[audience laughs]
466
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,846
I look at his wife, I said,
"What's my name? What do I do?"
467
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,055
She stands up and she goes,
468
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,851
"Sugar, your name's Bert Kreischer,
you find lost things."
469
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,018
I said, "Make him say it."
470
00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:08,396
[audience laughs]
471
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,731
She goes, "Say his name, motherfucker!"
472
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:11,732
[audience laughs]
473
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,776
He goes, "Bert Kreischer.
You find lost things."
474
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,403
I said, "Look up and tell the Lord."
475
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:16,404
[audience laughs]
476
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,906
He says, "His name's Bert Kreischer.
He finds lost things."
477
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,742
I go, "I found your ring, motherfucker!"
478
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,830
[audience cheering and applauding]
479
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,418
That's the small story.
480
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:33,171
- I found a child one time.
- [audience laughs]
481
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,257
- Alive. Not in the dumpster, alive.
- [woman whooping]
482
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,884
Fourth of July, five years ago.
483
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:41,095
I'm with the girls, we're in a parade.
No shirt, backpack full of beer.
484
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:42,930
I'm wasted. I'm a good dad. Now...
485
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,140
[audience laughs]
486
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:47,435
Little boy, kindergarten age,
is walking upstream, freaking out, crying.
487
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,896
I drop to a knee.
I said, "Buddy, what's going on?"
488
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,898
He goes, "I lost my family!"
489
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:54,192
Boom. I hear the word "lost,"
my dick gets hard.
490
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,109
[audience laughs]
491
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,485
For the right reason.
492
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,154
[audience laughs]
493
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:01,240
I said, "Buddy, my name's Bert Kreischer.
I find lost things."
494
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:04,369
My girls are next to me going,
"He does! He does!"
495
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,039
I said, "Buddy, is your mom here?"
He goes, "I don't know."
496
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,542
I said, "What's your mom's name?"
He goes, "I don't know!"
497
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,503
Ila hits me and goes,
"Keep it moving, big guy."
498
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:15,671
[audience laughs]
499
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:16,631
I said, "What?"
500
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,549
She goes, "He's a gypsy. Keep walking."
501
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,636
[audience laughs]
502
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:22,428
I go, "He's not--"
503
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:25,556
"Dad, this is how they pick your pockets.
I saw it on TikTok. Let's go."
504
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:26,641
[audience laughs]
505
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,560
I was like, "You're off TikTok."
506
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,647
Lean down, I go, "Is your dad here?"
He goes, "I don't know!"
507
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:35,942
I said, "What's your dad's name?"
He goes, "I don't know!"
508
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,485
Now, I'm like, "Okay..."
509
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,111
"We might have a gypsy."
510
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,404
[audience laughs]
511
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:42,366
Georgia, the smartest of the three of us...
512
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,035
looks at us, says, "Both of you, stop."
513
00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:48,996
She goes, "Buddy, my name's Georgia.
What's your name?"
514
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:50,706
You see him settle a little bit, he goes,
515
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:52,416
[sniffles] "Nathan?"
516
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:55,211
She goes, "Nathan, this is my daddy.
People call him 'Bert.'"
517
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,630
"What do people call your daddy
when they see him?"
518
00:20:57,631 --> 00:21:01,968
He's still panicked, but he's settled.
He goes, [sniffling] "I don't know."
519
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:05,054
"David?" [imitates sobbing]
520
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,389
"Maybe Michael?"
521
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,724
[audience laughs]
522
00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:10,768
Georgia's like, "I think we have a gypsy."
523
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,061
[audience laughs]
524
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:14,939
So we grab this boy.
Girls hold his hands, I'm behind them.
525
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,816
Loud as fuck,
we walk upstream in the parade.
526
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,278
I'm just going, "We found a boy!"
527
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,780
"Brand-new baby boy!"
528
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,365
"Anyone lose a Nathan?"
529
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:27,118
I remember this one mom going,
"What are you doing with that child?"
530
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,537
I'm like, "His Tinder's down.
I'm trying to get him laid."
531
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,289
"Go fuck yourself!"
532
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,499
[audience laughing and applauding]
533
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,210
Nosy whore. Anyway...
534
00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:38,337
Finally, this dad recognizes Nathan.
535
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:39,922
Their kids were in the same class.
536
00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:42,008
So I go up to the dad,
I go, "He lost his family."
537
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,718
"I'm losing my buzz, can you...
538
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:45,136
[audience laughs]
539
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,013
...skinny this up for me?"
540
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:49,724
He goes, "His family's at the party
next door, in the front yard."
541
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:54,187
I go, "Cool. Nathan, stay with my girls,
boom, I'm coming back with your family."
542
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:57,398
I went to the party next door excited.
It's packed.
543
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,109
I kill a beer out of my backpack,
put in their mailbox.
544
00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:02,404
[audience laughs]
545
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:04,323
I go, "I found a boy."
546
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,491
"His name's Nathan."
547
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,660
"Anyone lose a Nathan?"
548
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:10,828
Nothing.
549
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:11,829
[audience laughs]
550
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:13,831
All of a sudden,
I hear Ila's squeaky voice.
551
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:17,878
She goes, [in squeaky voice]
"Is there a David? Maybe a Michael here?"
552
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:22,006
I said, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"Getting rid of that gypsy, Dad."
553
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,382
[audience laughs]
554
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:26,261
This dad ten feet from me goes,
"My name's David."
555
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,431
I said, "You have a son?" He said, "Yeah."
556
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,141
I said, "Is his name Nathan?"
557
00:22:32,142 --> 00:22:34,061
He goes,
"Yeah, as a matter of fact it is."
558
00:22:34,644 --> 00:22:37,772
Ila steps forward and goes,
"Did you think this was a magic trick?"
559
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:40,024
[audience laughs]
560
00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:42,944
He goes, "Nathan doesn't get lost."
I go, "I found one."
561
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:46,280
Wanna lay some eyes on this piece of shit,
see if it's yours?
562
00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:47,239
[audience laughs]
563
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,492
He goes, "I guess." And we start walking.
564
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,035
I go, "Nathan!"
565
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,703
And the second I yell "Nathan,"
566
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:55,373
a dad comes sprinting out of the backyard.
567
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,459
This father has lost his child.
568
00:22:58,001 --> 00:22:59,752
"Did someone say they found Nathan?"
569
00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:02,046
I said, "I did."
He goes, "My name's Michael."
570
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,547
I'm like, "Thank fucking God!"
571
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,465
[audience laughs]
572
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:07,259
I go, "David, you can go fuck yourself.
I found his dad."
573
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:08,761
[audience laughs]
574
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:12,348
And David gets irate.
He goes, "Son of a bitch!"
575
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,558
"God damn it.
Michael, have you been drinking?"
576
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:17,395
He goes, "I had one drink, David."
"You were supposed to watch Nathan!"
577
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,312
I'm like...
578
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:20,399
[audience exclaiming and laughing]
579
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:30,825
How did I not solve
this Scooby-Doo mystery?
580
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,368
[audience laughs]
581
00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:34,578
Ila's next to me going, "Is he a gypsy?"
582
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,580
I'm like, "Shut your fucking mouth."
583
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,748
[audience laughs]
584
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:39,917
She watches them fight
for two more seconds,
585
00:23:39,918 --> 00:23:44,130
it hits her like a tsunami.
She goes, "Oh!"
586
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:47,675
"Georgia, we found out
why he doesn't know his mom's name!"
587
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,176
[audience laughs]
588
00:23:49,177 --> 00:23:52,972
I told that story
to two people the day it happened.
589
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:57,309
The day-- First person, Joey Diaz,
best reaction I've ever gotten.
590
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:59,729
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- The best...
591
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,357
I see Joey in a park
full of liberal parents in LA.
592
00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:06,485
I tell him the story. When I say,
"Michael, have you been drinking?"
593
00:24:06,486 --> 00:24:09,405
Loud as fuck, he goes,
"They're fucking gay?!"
594
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,282
[audience laughs]
595
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,451
Second person I tell, my wife LeeAnn.
596
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:16,871
And when I say "David, maybe Michael"
at the beginning of the story,
597
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:20,166
she looks at me and goes,
"Oh, his dad is a sugarfoot?"
598
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:23,128
[audience laughs]
599
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:26,464
I said,
"No, they didn't have diabetes, LeeAnn."
600
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:27,590
[audience laughs]
601
00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:30,843
She goes, "No, that's what we call it
in the South when you's gay."
602
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:32,761
"He's just a little bit of a sugarfoot."
603
00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:34,054
[audience laughs]
604
00:24:34,055 --> 00:24:35,973
"It's the polite way of saying gay."
605
00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:38,059
[audience laughs]
606
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,979
It's like, "Aw, thanks, Paula Dean."
607
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,189
[audience laughs]
608
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,774
"What other candy-coated
hate slurs do you have?"
609
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:46,734
[audience laughs]
610
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,987
She's a good person. She really is.
611
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:51,822
She-- I'm not saying I'm a good person.
612
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,992
I laugh at horrible shit.
613
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,912
The more you're not supposed to laugh...
614
00:24:57,746 --> 00:24:58,787
That's my thing.
615
00:24:58,788 --> 00:24:59,788
[audience laughs]
616
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:03,460
I can't help it.
And if it pisses LeeAnn off, oh, I'm gone.
617
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:07,671
We took a flight one time.
Miami to LAX, right?
618
00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:10,257
Check in in Miami.
Go to the front counter.
619
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:11,175
Drop off our bags.
620
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:14,053
I say to the lady, "Do you have
any upgrades for first class?"
621
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:16,680
She goes, "I have one."
I was like, "Cool, I'll take it"
622
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,933
[audience laughs]
623
00:25:18,934 --> 00:25:20,059
"What about your wife?"
624
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:22,353
I said, "I'm sorry,
I thought you said you only had one."
625
00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:24,939
- [audience laughs]
- "You're not gonna give it to your wife?"
626
00:25:24,940 --> 00:25:28,192
I went, "Absolutely not."
I said, "I drink on planes."
627
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:30,987
"She's like a Mennonite,
she's gonna raw-dog this flight."
628
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:34,198
"She'll stare at a wall for six hours."
629
00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:35,366
"I like to get down."
630
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,743
Then LeeAnn goes, "What about me?
What about chivalry?"
631
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:40,996
I go, "Baby, chivalry was created
before upgrades. It doesn't count."
632
00:25:40,997 --> 00:25:42,456
[audience laughs]
633
00:25:42,457 --> 00:25:44,833
LeeAnn was pissed
the whole time at the airport, livid.
634
00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:46,877
Then we get on the plane,
she stops at my seat.
635
00:25:46,878 --> 00:25:48,505
She goes, "Come on, now."
636
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:51,423
I went, "No, no, no.
You're in steerage. Keep walking."
637
00:25:51,424 --> 00:25:52,466
[audience laughs]
638
00:25:52,467 --> 00:25:55,803
"Have fun with Leo and the Italian kid
at the bottom of the boat."
639
00:25:55,804 --> 00:25:57,346
[audience laughs]
640
00:25:57,347 --> 00:25:59,683
"Looks like fun. You'll have a blast."
641
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:02,768
She goes three rows behind me in bulkhead.
642
00:26:02,769 --> 00:26:03,978
I'm in first class.
643
00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:05,854
Get my drink. Double Jack on the rocks.
644
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,232
Lots of rocks. Take my first sip.
645
00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:09,734
Oh!
646
00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:12,737
And then I hear, very loud. I hear...
647
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:17,408
[trumpets]
648
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:18,994
Everyone freezes.
649
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,912
I text LeeAnn. I go, "Was that you?"
650
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:23,455
[audience laughs]
651
00:26:23,456 --> 00:26:25,874
LeeAnn writes back, "No, asshole."
652
00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:27,334
[audience laughs]
653
00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:29,713
"There is a special-needs woman
654
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,755
on our flight."
655
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:33,842
[audience laughs]
656
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:37,511
I said, "What does that mean?"
657
00:26:37,512 --> 00:26:39,763
[audience laughs]
658
00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:42,349
She writes back,
"Well, I think you just heard it."
659
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,018
[audience laughs]
660
00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:45,770
"She has a fear of flying."
661
00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:49,357
"And it's bringing out some nervous tics."
662
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:52,693
"One of which
is squealing like an elephant."
663
00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:53,986
I said, "What's the other one?"
664
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:56,238
She goes,
"Well, she's flailing pretty violently."
665
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:57,239
[audience laughs]
666
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,616
I write back...
667
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:00,702
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
668
00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:05,456
"Is she hot?"
669
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:08,459
[audience laughs]
670
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,294
No reply, not even a bubble.
671
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:11,211
[audience laughs]
672
00:27:11,212 --> 00:27:15,633
Then I write back, "Where is she sitting?"
And she writes back, "Your seat, asshole."
673
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,217
[audience laughs]
674
00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:19,970
This is when the laughs started,
I could not hold it in.
675
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,472
I am dying laughing
676
00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:24,266
'cause I'm listening to this energy
behind me. Three rows...
677
00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:26,352
[trumpets]
678
00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:28,354
And anytime anyone walks into coach,
679
00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:31,148
they all have the same reaction,
they're like, "Dear God!"
680
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:32,274
[audience laughs]
681
00:27:32,275 --> 00:27:36,236
So before the flight takes off,
I go to the attendant, do the right thing.
682
00:27:36,237 --> 00:27:40,491
I said, "Hey, my wife is sitting
next to that special-needs woman."
683
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,910
And even the flight attendant's like,
"Holy shit."
684
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,161
[audience laughs]
685
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:46,080
I said, "I'll switch with her."
686
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:48,041
She goes, "Aww."
687
00:27:48,541 --> 00:27:50,209
"You are a good man."
688
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:51,543
[audience laughs]
689
00:27:51,544 --> 00:27:52,961
I was like, "I know."
690
00:27:52,962 --> 00:27:53,962
[audience laughs]
691
00:27:53,963 --> 00:27:56,256
I said, "Here's the deal.
I need to drink on this plane."
692
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,092
"My wife is gonna sit in first class."
693
00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:00,135
"She's a square,
she won't touch any alcohol."
694
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,304
"But if you can load me up with alcohol,
I'll be cool."
695
00:28:02,305 --> 00:28:04,848
"I have a fear of flying,
we'll probably connect. So..."
696
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:05,933
[audience laughs]
697
00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:08,811
"You keep me drinking,
and we'll be straight the whole flight."
698
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:09,812
She says this to me,
699
00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:12,690
and if you drink on a plane,
you know how precious this statement is.
700
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:15,859
She looks around, "Kill your drink,
I'll make you a fresh one."
701
00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:16,777
[woman whoops]
702
00:28:16,778 --> 00:28:20,364
[audience cheering and applauding]
703
00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:23,992
I murder my drink. She makes a fresh one,
then she gives me two baby bottles of Jack
704
00:28:23,993 --> 00:28:26,704
and goes,
"That'll get you to cruising altitude."
705
00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:29,081
"I'll hit you
before I cover anyone in first class."
706
00:28:29,082 --> 00:28:32,168
[audience cheering and applauding]
707
00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:36,004
Before I leave, she grabs me again,
708
00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:38,507
"You know, more men should be like you."
709
00:28:38,508 --> 00:28:40,426
[audience laughs]
710
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,302
What she doesn't know is, I'm thinking,
711
00:28:42,303 --> 00:28:44,847
"Shit, I gotta start traveling
with a special-needs person."
712
00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:45,764
[audience laughs]
713
00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:49,059
If they let you drink like this, I'm like,
"Come on, corgi, we're flying to London!"
714
00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:51,062
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- [audience laughs]
715
00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:54,022
So I get my drink,
716
00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:56,900
walk past all those
selfish people in first class.
717
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:58,986
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
718
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:00,280
I get to coach,
719
00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:04,367
I pull back the curtain,
and I was not prepared for what I saw.
720
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:07,494
It looked like a Waffle House at 4:00 a.m.
721
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:08,537
[audience laughs]
722
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:09,955
Lord of the Flies, people,
723
00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:12,708
and it is all orchestrated
by this special-needs woman
724
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:15,170
who is 6-fucking-5.
725
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:17,756
- [audience laughs]
- She's a big bitch.
726
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,467
She looks like Gronk's sister.
727
00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:23,802
Flailing violently. [trumpets]
728
00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:27,139
And upon further inspection,
I realize she has oven mitts
729
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:29,641
duct-taped to her goddamn hands.
730
00:29:29,642 --> 00:29:30,809
[audience laughs]
731
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:33,979
I handed LeeAnn the drink.
Like, "Enjoy your flight. There you go."
732
00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:36,065
[audience laughing]
733
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:38,358
Walked up to the attendant,
734
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:40,527
I go, "She didn't wanna switch,
what are you gonna do?"
735
00:29:40,528 --> 00:29:41,945
[audience laughs]
736
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,990
I couldn't stop laughing.
737
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:48,660
Let's be clear. I'm not laughing
at the special-needs person.
738
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:50,704
I'm not.
That's not what's making me laugh.
739
00:29:50,705 --> 00:29:52,624
What was making me laugh
740
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:54,584
was the family member
741
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:58,922
who took it upon themselves to duct-tape
742
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:00,714
oven mitts--
743
00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:03,425
Not even matching oven mitts,
one was a lobster claw.
744
00:30:03,426 --> 00:30:04,510
[audience laughs]
745
00:30:04,511 --> 00:30:06,678
The other one said, "Too hot to handle."
746
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:09,556
- duct-taped them to her goddamn hands,
747
00:30:09,557 --> 00:30:12,392
and then say, "Enjoy the West Coast."
What the fuck?
748
00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:13,560
[audience laughs]
749
00:30:13,561 --> 00:30:15,980
I was crying-laughing the whole flight.
750
00:30:17,023 --> 00:30:19,233
Drinking like-- I blacked out, passed out.
751
00:30:19,234 --> 00:30:20,567
[audience laughs]
752
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,110
Wake up, get off the plane,
753
00:30:22,111 --> 00:30:24,154
I'm waiting for LeeAnn to come out.
754
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,657
And out comes LeeAnn
with ol' Hamburger Helper.
755
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,327
[audience laughing]
756
00:30:29,953 --> 00:30:32,913
They looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Danny DeVito in Twins.
757
00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:34,373
[audience laughs]
758
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:36,583
I'm thinking, "Shit, is she kin?"
759
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:38,085
[audience laughs]
760
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:41,214
LeeAnn looks at me, chill,
and she goes, "She's okay."
761
00:30:42,131 --> 00:30:44,676
"She's good.
We're gonna help her get her luggage."
762
00:30:45,426 --> 00:30:48,428
I was like, "She probably
can't get them with the oven mitts."
763
00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:49,763
[audience laughs]
764
00:30:49,764 --> 00:30:52,099
LeeAnn's like,
"We're taking them off her right now."
765
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,643
I was like, "Uh, the fuck we are."
766
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:56,186
Someone that loves her
duct-taped them to her hands.
767
00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:58,272
They know something we don't know.
768
00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:01,233
I'm not taking them off to find out
we're hanging out with Wolverine, okay?
769
00:31:01,234 --> 00:31:02,150
[audience laughs]
770
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:05,863
I couldn't stop laughing
for the whole night, in the car, at home.
771
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:08,199
LeeAnn was livid,
and that's my favorite laugh.
772
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,827
When it's just pissing off your spouse?
773
00:31:11,327 --> 00:31:14,789
We get in bed,
I'm naked, drunk as shit, pass out.
774
00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:17,165
Wake up the next morning,
775
00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:19,084
and we forgot we were fighting.
776
00:31:19,085 --> 00:31:20,794
[audience laughs]
777
00:31:20,795 --> 00:31:22,671
Roll over, start kissing.
778
00:31:22,672 --> 00:31:24,007
Start having sex.
779
00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:26,759
[sighs] And in the middle of sex,
780
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,177
LeeAnn brings her hands up...
781
00:31:29,178 --> 00:31:31,264
[audience laughs]
782
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:35,684
- It hit me like a ton of bricks.
- [audience laughing]
783
00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:38,813
I start laughing immediately,
come instantly.
784
00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:42,692
Doubled over, going,
"Oven mitts! Oven Mitts! Oven mitts!"
785
00:31:43,192 --> 00:31:45,027
Get out of the bed
and LeeAnn starts laughing.
786
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:46,821
I go, "Finally, you get it."
787
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,490
She goes, "I get it, all right."
788
00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:52,743
"Did you take a shit
at the airport yesterday?"
789
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:53,952
[audience laughs]
790
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,370
I go, "Maybe."
791
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,790
She goes, "Feel your ass cheek."
792
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:00,585
I reach back.
793
00:32:01,127 --> 00:32:03,211
The paper toilet seat cover...
794
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:04,671
[audience laughs]
795
00:32:04,672 --> 00:32:06,257
...was still there.
796
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:08,634
I sat so long on the toilet,
797
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:11,595
it cotton-candied itself
to my legs and ass.
798
00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:13,555
I put my jeans on over it,
799
00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:16,934
walked it to the plane,
sat on it for a six-hour flight.
800
00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:19,561
I slept in it. I fucked my wife in it.
801
00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:22,022
[audience laughing]
802
00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:24,524
Now I have a look of terror,
and she's laughing, goes,
803
00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:26,860
"Hell, I just fucked
a special-needs person."
804
00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:29,948
[audience cheering and applauding]
805
00:32:35,244 --> 00:32:36,703
My daughters don't like that joke.
806
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:38,121
[audience laughs]
807
00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:40,041
My daughters don't like my act.
808
00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:43,461
They saw my act, they go,
"You're a misogynist."
809
00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:46,672
I was like, "Luckily, you're women.
No one's listening to you."
810
00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:48,758
[audience laughs]
811
00:32:50,718 --> 00:32:53,011
- They didn't laugh at that either.
- [audience laughs]
812
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:57,766
They said to me, "Dad, for this special,
can you write one feminist joke
813
00:32:57,767 --> 00:33:00,519
for the women in your audience
that are feminists?"
814
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:01,853
[woman] Let's hear it!
815
00:33:01,854 --> 00:33:02,896
Okay.
816
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,272
[audience laughs]
817
00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:06,024
I hope you enjoy it.
818
00:33:06,025 --> 00:33:07,734
[audience laughs]
819
00:33:07,735 --> 00:33:09,319
Don't forget, I wrote it.
820
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,946
[audience laughs]
821
00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:13,532
And it's gonna get
a little political, okay?
822
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:14,658
It does. It will.
823
00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:17,537
But I'm cool
'cause I'm doing this for my girls.
824
00:33:18,204 --> 00:33:20,372
[inhales deeply then exhales]
825
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,457
[audience laughs]
826
00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:26,795
Women across the board
are better than men.
827
00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:29,840
[women cheering]
828
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:33,427
I mean that. And any guy on the fence,
I can prove it right now.
829
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,971
Gentlemen, have you ever been
about to go down on your chick
830
00:33:35,972 --> 00:33:39,600
and she stops you and goes,
"Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you."
831
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:42,729
"I'm not so fresh down there."
832
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,272
And as a guy, you're like, "Oh."
833
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:46,565
[audience laughs]
834
00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:47,774
"Good looking out."
835
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:49,819
[audience laughs]
836
00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:51,863
Ladies...
837
00:33:54,991 --> 00:33:56,993
[audience laughing]
838
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,705
[audience cheering and applauding]
839
00:34:05,918 --> 00:34:09,297
...have you ever been
about to suck a guy's dick,
840
00:34:09,922 --> 00:34:13,550
and he stops you and goes, "Whoa, hold up.
I wouldn't do that if I were you."
841
00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:14,468
[audience laughs]
842
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,511
"I had a long day at work,
and I'm not so--"
843
00:34:16,512 --> 00:34:20,015
Fucking never! Never! Never! Never!
844
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:23,393
A guy will dab and sniff and go,
"She won't smell that."
845
00:34:23,394 --> 00:34:24,562
[audience laughs]
846
00:34:25,146 --> 00:34:26,980
"No, it's just slippery.
It doesn't smell."
847
00:34:26,981 --> 00:34:28,440
[audience laughs]
848
00:34:28,441 --> 00:34:30,567
"That's called 'duck butter'
is what that is."
849
00:34:30,568 --> 00:34:31,860
[audience laughs]
850
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:33,695
"It's my asshole that smells."
851
00:34:33,696 --> 00:34:34,654
[audience laughs]
852
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:37,240
"Her nose will be here.
My asshole's here. How the..."
853
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:40,202
"I'll put her on her pillow.
She'll think it's her. There."
854
00:34:40,203 --> 00:34:42,080
[audience laughs]
855
00:34:42,830 --> 00:34:44,123
For that reason,
856
00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:48,543
that is why I, Bert Kreischer,
wholeheartedly and honestly
857
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:53,173
believe that a man should never legislate
what a woman does with her body.
858
00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:58,178
[women cheering and applauding]
859
00:34:58,179 --> 00:34:59,930
Because every man in this room,
860
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:03,767
every congressman, every man in Senate,
our President of the United States.
861
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:06,937
All of us were so arrogant
at one point in our lives,
862
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:09,523
we thought we knew better
about a woman's body than her,
863
00:35:09,524 --> 00:35:11,608
and we went down there anyway.
864
00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:13,235
[audience laughs]
865
00:35:13,236 --> 00:35:16,947
You only do it once,
but we had that bro cocky energy, like,
866
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:18,365
"I'm good."
867
00:35:18,366 --> 00:35:19,407
[audience laughs]
868
00:35:19,408 --> 00:35:20,576
"I love you."
869
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:23,161
"There's not a smell you can make that--"
870
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:25,789
- [retches]
- [audience laughs]
871
00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:27,833
"Oh, God. Did you ride a horse here?"
872
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:28,959
[retching]
873
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,046
"We gotta get you a new bike seat.
Something's off."
874
00:35:32,588 --> 00:35:35,674
"Oh, my God.
No, no, I can do this. I can do this."
875
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:36,758
[audience laughs]
876
00:35:36,759 --> 00:35:40,428
"My name is Johnny Knoxville,
and this is the stinky pussy challenge."
877
00:35:40,429 --> 00:35:43,849
[audience cheering and applauding]
878
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:45,684
That's a political joke.
879
00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:48,062
- [cheering and applauding continues]
- [laughs]
880
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,398
My daughters will never hear that.
881
00:35:51,399 --> 00:35:52,649
[audience laughs]
882
00:35:52,650 --> 00:35:55,486
Those fucking id--
They found out I was stupid recently.
883
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:57,779
I knew I was-- LeeAnn knows I'm stupid.
884
00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:00,615
I used to think Helen Keller
and Anne Frank were the same person.
885
00:36:00,616 --> 00:36:01,741
[audience laughs]
886
00:36:01,742 --> 00:36:03,410
That's real. That's real.
887
00:36:03,411 --> 00:36:05,412
I found that out at the Anne Frank House.
888
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:06,371
[audience laughs]
889
00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:08,790
We do the tour.
Me and my buddies were high as shit.
890
00:36:08,791 --> 00:36:10,584
The whole tour,
I'm pulling them aside going,
891
00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:11,668
"You know she had a dog?"
892
00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:12,587
They're like...
893
00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:14,630
"What?"
894
00:36:15,464 --> 00:36:17,883
I go, "Yeah, he ran away.
You would too if your name was..."
895
00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:19,593
[groans]
896
00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:21,679
[audience laughing]
897
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:29,562
We go into her kitchen, I go,
"Here's where she burned her fingers."
898
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:31,688
They're like, "How?"
899
00:36:31,689 --> 00:36:33,815
"She was trying to read the waffle iron."
900
00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:35,358
[audience laughs]
901
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:36,693
This lady turns around and goes,
902
00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:38,945
"I'm so sorry,
are you telling Helen Keller jokes?"
903
00:36:38,946 --> 00:36:40,363
[audience laughs]
904
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:42,324
These guys realize,
by the look on my face,
905
00:36:42,325 --> 00:36:44,409
I don't know who the fuck Anne Frank is...
906
00:36:44,410 --> 00:36:45,368
[audience laughs]
907
00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:47,788
...and I think
we're at Helen Keller's house.
908
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:49,748
They get the ultimate laugh.
909
00:36:49,749 --> 00:36:51,833
That's when you're high,
and you wanna laugh,
910
00:36:51,834 --> 00:36:54,920
but you can't 'cause
you're in a fucking Holocaust museum.
911
00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:56,338
[audience laughs]
912
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,006
For my daughters, they found out--
913
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:01,259
I took 'em on a trip to Italy,
and we went to Rome.
914
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:02,470
Did you know
915
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:06,182
that Rome, Italy, is the same Rome
916
00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:09,184
as the Roman Empire?
917
00:37:09,185 --> 00:37:11,270
[audience laughs]
918
00:37:14,523 --> 00:37:15,358
Okay.
919
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:17,359
Okay, all of you?
920
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,402
[audience laughs]
921
00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:20,654
All right, show of hands.
922
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:21,614
Did you know
923
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:23,741
Julius Caesar
924
00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:25,659
was a real person?
925
00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:27,869
[audience laughs]
926
00:37:27,870 --> 00:37:29,372
Okay, I didn't know that one.
927
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:31,373
We're in a big tour,
928
00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:34,626
and they're talking about Julius Caesar
and Cleopatra, a bunch of fake names.
929
00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:35,752
[audience laughs]
930
00:37:35,753 --> 00:37:38,046
I hit my daughter Georgia and go,
"Is he a real person?"
931
00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,090
She looks at me-- This fucking tart.
932
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:41,424
[audience laughs]
933
00:37:41,425 --> 00:37:43,593
Goes, "That's a great question
for the group, Dad."
934
00:37:43,594 --> 00:37:46,681
[audience laughing and applauding]
935
00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:52,727
"Yeah, quick question."
936
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:55,563
"We know about the dressing
and the 'pizza, pizza' but..."
937
00:37:55,564 --> 00:37:57,274
[audience laughs]
938
00:37:57,275 --> 00:37:59,401
We went to the David,
the statue, the naked dude,
939
00:37:59,402 --> 00:38:01,945
with the arm up like this,
Michelangelo did it.
940
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:05,074
I hit Georgia, I go,
"Why does he got a small dick?"
941
00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:08,034
She goes, "Another great question
for the group, Dad."
942
00:38:08,035 --> 00:38:09,995
[audience laughs]
943
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:12,999
Hand up. I got a banger in my pocket.
944
00:38:13,749 --> 00:38:15,667
Now this time,
when I start to ask my question,
945
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:17,836
the whole group turns to watch.
946
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,589
I said, "Yeah, yeah.
Why does he have a small dick?"
947
00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:23,174
The guy goes, "That's a great question."
948
00:38:23,175 --> 00:38:25,260
"Because Michelangelo knew
if he gave him a big dick,
949
00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:27,137
guys like you
would just stare at his dick."
950
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:29,223
[audience laughs]
951
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:32,392
I was like, "Yeah, that tracks.
I'm looking at it small."
952
00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:33,685
[audience laughs]
953
00:38:33,686 --> 00:38:36,022
We don't look good as a family.
954
00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:39,859
You ever look at your family and go,
"We are no dream team."
955
00:38:40,359 --> 00:38:42,277
We don't even look like
we know each other.
956
00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:44,070
Ila is dressed like Big Jay Oakerson.
957
00:38:44,071 --> 00:38:45,405
[audience laughs]
958
00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:48,450
Georgia's got no bra,
nose ring, tatted up.
959
00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:51,745
LeeAnn has got a fanny pack on,
tucked-in shirt, map.
960
00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:53,330
She looks like a trans Joe Rogan.
961
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,249
[audience laughing]
962
00:38:56,250 --> 00:38:57,375
I'm drunk and sweaty,
963
00:38:57,376 --> 00:38:59,127
and I'm supposed to be
their fucking leader?
964
00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:00,295
[audience laughs]
965
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,257
I am no dream team leader,
I will tell you that.
966
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:07,052
My daughter Ila is, fuck--
Her brain is different.
967
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:07,969
I mean...
968
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:10,221
I have impulse control problems.
969
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:12,057
I think that's pretty well-documented.
970
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:13,266
[audience laughs]
971
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:16,561
Ila's got wild impulse control problems.
972
00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:19,647
During the pandemic,
if she saw me drinking,
973
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:21,149
she'd get on the arm of my recliner,
974
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:25,195
get on my phone,
get on Amazon and scroll wildly.
975
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,863
Be like, "Hey, big guy."
976
00:39:26,864 --> 00:39:28,823
"How much do you think
a refrigerator cost?"
977
00:39:28,824 --> 00:39:30,033
[audience laughs]
978
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:32,035
"A big one?"
She goes, "No, a mini fridge."
979
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:32,952
I go, "150 bucks."
980
00:39:32,953 --> 00:39:35,538
She goes, "If I told you they were $79,
how many would you buy?"
981
00:39:35,539 --> 00:39:37,625
[audience laughs]
982
00:39:38,459 --> 00:39:41,044
I go, "Four."
She goes, "Done, son!" Click.
983
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:42,379
[audience laughs]
984
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:45,131
Have you ever ordered something
blackout drunk on Amazon
985
00:39:45,132 --> 00:39:47,968
and had to figure out what it was
the next day when it showed up?
986
00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:52,680
Yeah, I didn't have to guess
when I saw four fucking mini fridges
987
00:39:52,681 --> 00:39:53,848
on our front porch.
988
00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:55,392
And these aren't baby fridges.
989
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:57,811
These are
Tyrion Lannister-sized refrigerators.
990
00:39:57,812 --> 00:39:59,062
[audience laughs]
991
00:39:59,063 --> 00:40:01,022
Worst one ever. Worst one ever.
992
00:40:01,023 --> 00:40:03,775
Uh, girls wanna learn how to skateboard.
993
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:05,026
We lived on a one-way street,
994
00:40:05,027 --> 00:40:07,320
but cars would fly up
the wrong way all the time.
995
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:11,366
So I'm at dinner with the girls,
and LeeAnn and I go, "I figured it out."
996
00:40:11,367 --> 00:40:14,786
"I'll buy traffic cones and post them up
at the end of the street."
997
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:18,248
"That way, people have to slow down.
Everyone respects a traffic cone."
998
00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:19,333
[audience laughs]
999
00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:22,002
LeeAnn's a redneck, she goes, "Dummy."
1000
00:40:22,753 --> 00:40:24,963
"You don't buy traffic cones."
1001
00:40:24,964 --> 00:40:26,840
[audience laughs]
1002
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:29,008
"You steal traffic cones."
1003
00:40:29,009 --> 00:40:30,844
[audience laughing and applauding]
1004
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,471
She goes, "Ain't no one
buying no goddamn traffic cone."
1005
00:40:33,472 --> 00:40:35,808
"They didn't even sell
them motherfuckers at Walmart!"
1006
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:39,603
Now I'm thinking I've actually
never seen a traffic cone for sale.
1007
00:40:40,146 --> 00:40:42,522
Ila's already on Amazon
with a handful of traffic cones.
1008
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:44,858
She goes, "Don't listen
to Forrest Gump, Dad, take a look."
1009
00:40:44,859 --> 00:40:47,402
- [audience laughs]
- I go, "Ila's got traffic cones."
1010
00:40:47,403 --> 00:40:50,405
[in Southern accent] She goes,
"Thems ain't no big-boy traffic cone."
1011
00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:52,532
"Them them baby-boy traffic cone."
1012
00:40:52,533 --> 00:40:55,118
"Them--" [in normal voice]
My accents are getting worse, I think.
1013
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,578
[audience laughs]
1014
00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,330
I turned her into a Cajun chef.
1015
00:40:58,998 --> 00:41:02,250
[in Cajun accent] "You two hangin' around
with them baby-boy traffic cone."
1016
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:04,420
"Ain't no big-boy traffic cone."
1017
00:41:05,129 --> 00:41:07,255
[in normal voice]
I go, "Ila, you got big-boy cones?"
1018
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:09,299
Real confident, she goes, "Size 8."
1019
00:41:09,300 --> 00:41:11,551
[audience laughs]
1020
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:12,845
"Is that big?"
1021
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:15,513
"Biggest ones they got."
I go, "fucking hook it up."
1022
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:18,558
She goes, "How many you want, big dog?"
I go, "Fuck it. Eight."
1023
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:21,478
She looks at LeeAnn and Georgia
and goes, "Done, son."
1024
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:22,770
[audience laughs]
1025
00:41:22,771 --> 00:41:25,607
I lean in and go, "I can't wait
to see the look on your faces
1026
00:41:25,608 --> 00:41:27,443
when we fucking kill this."
1027
00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:29,153
And we waited
1028
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:31,780
for four days for our traffic cones.
1029
00:41:32,281 --> 00:41:35,408
On the fourth day, LeeAnn and Georgia
are running errands, I'm home with Ila.
1030
00:41:35,409 --> 00:41:36,743
I see the Amazon guy
1031
00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:41,290
walk across my front yard
with a rack of big-boy traffic cones.
1032
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:43,541
Puts them on the front porch.
1033
00:41:43,542 --> 00:41:45,419
Tall as an NBA player.
1034
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,961
I got chill bumps.
1035
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:50,507
I was like, "Ila! We fucking killed it!"
1036
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:51,424
[audience laughs]
1037
00:41:51,425 --> 00:41:53,384
Ila comes out,
sees them in the window and goes,
1038
00:41:53,385 --> 00:41:55,094
[in Cajun accent] "Oh!"
1039
00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:57,222
"Thems ain't no baby-boy traffic cone."
1040
00:41:57,223 --> 00:41:58,139
[audience laughs]
1041
00:41:58,140 --> 00:42:01,143
I said, "No." She goes,
"Them them big-boy traffic cone!"
1042
00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:03,853
"How do you think we should
show them to Mom and Georgia?"
1043
00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:05,939
She goes, "I think
we should block off our street."
1044
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:07,941
[audience laughs]
1045
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:11,152
"Close off our street, Dad.
Make them apologize on the corner to us."
1046
00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:12,612
[audience laughs]
1047
00:42:12,613 --> 00:42:14,113
We're celebrating so hard,
1048
00:42:14,114 --> 00:42:16,241
I don't see the Amazon guy
walk across our yard
1049
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:18,785
with another rack of eight traffic cones.
1050
00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:20,745
No, it's the third rack I see.
1051
00:42:20,746 --> 00:42:23,748
That's 24.
That's a lot of goddamn traffic cones.
1052
00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:25,500
My stomach dropped. I go to the door.
1053
00:42:25,501 --> 00:42:28,211
I go, "Buddy, there's gotta be a mistake."
He goes, "Oh, no mistake."
1054
00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:30,213
"Van's filled with traffic cones."
1055
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,756
[audience laughs]
1056
00:42:31,757 --> 00:42:33,758
He leaves,
Ila comes to the front door and goes,
1057
00:42:33,759 --> 00:42:36,469
[in Cajun accent]
"Look at all them traffic cones!"
1058
00:42:36,470 --> 00:42:38,763
I go, "Lose the accent, Bobby Boucher."
1059
00:42:38,764 --> 00:42:39,931
[audience laughs]
1060
00:42:39,932 --> 00:42:41,558
"How many traffic cones did you get?"
1061
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,018
She goes, "$2,400 worth."
1062
00:42:44,019 --> 00:42:46,105
[audience exclaims]
1063
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:48,439
She's like, "Is that a lot?"
1064
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:51,401
I go, "Bitch, road crews
don't use that many traffic cones!"
1065
00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:54,404
"A hurricane doesn't need
that many fucking traffic cones!"
1066
00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:57,907
On the fifth rack, Amazon guy said
to me with a straight face,
1067
00:42:57,908 --> 00:42:59,951
"You guys opening a Chick-fil-A?"
1068
00:42:59,952 --> 00:43:02,538
[audience laughing and applauding]
1069
00:43:05,207 --> 00:43:08,835
He leaves, and there I am
in the front yard with Simple Jack
1070
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:11,296
staring down racks of traffic cones
1071
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:13,631
like dead hookers in the back of a trunk.
1072
00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:14,632
[audience laughs]
1073
00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:16,759
I'm panicking. She's problem-solving.
1074
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,428
She goes, "Don't worry, we'll hide them."
1075
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:19,762
[audience laughs]
1076
00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:22,599
I go, "Where are we hiding all of these?"
She goes, "We'll dig a hole."
1077
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,017
I was like, "Oh, my God."
1078
00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:24,934
[audience laughs]
1079
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:28,021
I go, "You don't think mom will notice
70 shallow graves in the front yard?"
1080
00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:29,105
[audience laughs]
1081
00:43:29,106 --> 00:43:31,190
All of a sudden,
I hear LeeAnn's car pull up.
1082
00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:33,192
Ila looks at me and goes, "Act cool."
1083
00:43:33,193 --> 00:43:34,944
[audience laughs]
1084
00:43:34,945 --> 00:43:39,116
Doors open, and LeeAnn and Georgia
are cackling like two seagulls.
1085
00:43:39,742 --> 00:43:43,287
I hear Georgia go, [in Cajun accent]
"Them them big-boy traffic cone."
1086
00:43:43,829 --> 00:43:45,663
I turn around, I go, "There's a mistake."
1087
00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:47,791
And LeeAnn goes,
[in Southern accent] "Size 8, huh?"
1088
00:43:48,542 --> 00:43:50,669
"You dummies know eight was the quantity."
1089
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,422
"You got 64 traffic cones."
1090
00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:55,882
I said,
"You knew that and didn't stop us?"
1091
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:59,677
She goes, "Hell yeah, we wanted to see
the look on your stupid fucking face."
1092
00:43:59,678 --> 00:44:01,764
[audience whooping and applauding]
1093
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,769
"Now, both of you,
get back on Amazon right now."
1094
00:44:07,770 --> 00:44:09,896
I said, "We'll return them."
She goes, "Hell no."
1095
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,939
"Buy you some oven mitts and duct tape."
1096
00:44:11,940 --> 00:44:13,691
[audience laughs]
1097
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,527
"You're done on Amazon, boy."
1098
00:44:16,028 --> 00:44:18,030
[audience cheering and applauding]
1099
00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:22,743
My kids are growing up,
1100
00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:24,536
and I don't like it.
1101
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:26,287
I don't like it.
1102
00:44:26,288 --> 00:44:28,289
Georgia got caught smoking weed.
1103
00:44:28,290 --> 00:44:29,832
[scattered whoops]
1104
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:31,250
Did you sell it to her?
1105
00:44:31,251 --> 00:44:33,586
[audience laughs]
1106
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:35,589
I was not as happy as you were, sir.
1107
00:44:36,590 --> 00:44:39,676
I was on location shooting a TV show.
I get a call from LeeAnn.
1108
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:41,552
She's like, "We got a problem."
I said, "What?"
1109
00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:44,555
She goes, "Georgia got caught
smoking weed." I lost my shit.
1110
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:46,808
I go, "What the fuck? Who gave it to her?"
1111
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:49,352
She goes, "It was your weed."
I go, "She's a thief too?"
1112
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:50,770
[audience laughs]
1113
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:52,772
I lost my shit. Like my dad. I lost it.
1114
00:44:52,773 --> 00:44:54,691
I go, "I'm gonna
fucking light that bitch up."
1115
00:44:54,692 --> 00:44:56,359
"You tell her she broke my heart."
1116
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:58,861
"She's a liar and she needs
to earn my trust back,
1117
00:44:58,862 --> 00:45:01,155
and it'll never happen
'cause I don't trust her anymore."
1118
00:45:01,156 --> 00:45:02,782
"And tonight we'll get on FaceTime,
1119
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:05,244
and it will not end
until she's fucking crying."
1120
00:45:05,744 --> 00:45:07,162
And I hung up the phone.
1121
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:10,164
I was having lunch with Snoop Dogg.
1122
00:45:10,165 --> 00:45:12,250
"And tonight we'll get on FaceTime,
1123
00:45:12,251 --> 00:45:14,794
And Snoop is looking at me in a panic.
1124
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,630
He's just like, "Hey."
1125
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:18,924
"Problems on the home front?"
1126
00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:20,968
I said, "Yeah."
1127
00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,137
"You're probably a good guy
to bounce this off of."
1128
00:45:24,138 --> 00:45:26,013
[audience laughs]
1129
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:27,725
I go, "My daughter
1130
00:45:28,225 --> 00:45:29,518
smoked marijuana."
1131
00:45:30,936 --> 00:45:32,020
And Snoop goes,
1132
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:33,438
"That's it?"
1133
00:45:33,439 --> 00:45:34,439
[audience laughs]
1134
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,232
I go, "She's 15, Snoop."
1135
00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:38,317
He goes, "How old were you
first time you smoked?"
1136
00:45:38,318 --> 00:45:39,736
I go, "That's irrelevant."
1137
00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:40,653
[audience laughs]
1138
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:43,573
"It was a different time."
He goes, "It was illegal, dummy."
1139
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:44,949
[audience laughs]
1140
00:45:44,950 --> 00:45:48,495
He goes, "You're going to light
that bitch up for just smoking weed?"
1141
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:50,831
I said, "Yeah. That's how I parent."
1142
00:45:51,915 --> 00:45:53,709
He goes, "I ain't gonna let that happen."
1143
00:45:54,209 --> 00:45:55,710
"Not to my niece."
1144
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:56,669
[audience laughs]
1145
00:45:56,670 --> 00:45:59,172
"You ain't gonna light her up tonight,
I'll tell you that now."
1146
00:45:59,173 --> 00:46:02,633
He goes, "What's happening with you, Bert,
is your little girl's growing up,
1147
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:05,178
and it's fucking up your heart
as a man and as a daddy."
1148
00:46:05,179 --> 00:46:07,722
"And you're gonna take
all that grown-man energy
1149
00:46:07,723 --> 00:46:10,516
and dump it on that little girl,
and it's gonna break her heart."
1150
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:13,144
"And she won't trust you
'cause you'll look like a hypocrite."
1151
00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:15,188
"It's gonna cause a fracture
in your relationship."
1152
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,356
I go, "Wait, when the fuck
did you turn into a doctor?"
1153
00:46:17,357 --> 00:46:18,859
[audience laughs]
1154
00:46:19,735 --> 00:46:21,569
He goes, "Tonight, after work,
1155
00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:23,446
I want you to come by my trailer."
1156
00:46:23,447 --> 00:46:25,365
"I'm gonna cool you the fuck down."
1157
00:46:28,285 --> 00:46:30,369
[audience laughs]
1158
00:46:30,370 --> 00:46:31,954
I said, "What do you mean?"
1159
00:46:31,955 --> 00:46:34,123
He goes, "You know what I mean."
1160
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:35,291
I said, "I'm just asking."
1161
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:39,045
He goes, "Playa..." And he comes in
real close with that pimp drawl of his.
1162
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:40,171
He goes,
1163
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:41,298
"Playa,
1164
00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:43,967
we's gonna take a shower."
1165
00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:47,637
[audience laughs]
1166
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:49,388
I said, "What the fuck did you say?"
1167
00:46:49,389 --> 00:46:50,306
[audience laughs]
1168
00:46:50,307 --> 00:46:53,518
He goes, "Bitch, you heard me.
And don't tell nobody neither."
1169
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:56,521
He gets up, and he leaves, I'm like,
"I won't invite more people
1170
00:46:56,522 --> 00:46:59,023
to take a shower with me and Snoop Dogg."
1171
00:46:59,024 --> 00:47:02,068
What the-- I was in a panic,
I called LeeAnn right back, I go,
1172
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:04,196
"Snoop wants to shower with me."
1173
00:47:04,696 --> 00:47:07,406
She goes, "Honey, he didn't say that.
It's gotta be hip-hop slang."
1174
00:47:07,407 --> 00:47:08,866
"You gonna be at his place."
1175
00:47:08,867 --> 00:47:11,869
"There'll be hoes you spray champagne on.
You'll have a better time."
1176
00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,037
[audience laughs]
1177
00:47:13,038 --> 00:47:16,249
I was like, "That's probably what it is."
So I go over to his trailer.
1178
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:19,753
Knock on the door, after work.
Shirt's off, swear to God.
1179
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,839
Opens the door and he goes,
"I knew you'd show up."
1180
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:25,634
And it's just him in his trailer.
1181
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:29,595
I said, "Really?" He goes,
"Yeah, white boys love this shit."
1182
00:47:29,596 --> 00:47:32,640
Which is kind of true.
We do love gay shit. Like...
1183
00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:33,683
[audience laughs]
1184
00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:37,019
If I could sneak around and put my dick
on his shoulder, he'd be like, "Got me."
1185
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:38,145
[audience laughs]
1186
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:39,063
We love gay shit.
1187
00:47:39,064 --> 00:47:41,274
It's our love language to our friends.
It really is.
1188
00:47:41,275 --> 00:47:45,111
Hardest I ever made Tommy laugh,
Tom Segura, a disabled comedian who, uh...
1189
00:47:45,112 --> 00:47:46,279
[audience laughs]
1190
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:49,156
- I don't know if you know who he is.
- [audience cheering and applauding
1191
00:47:49,157 --> 00:47:51,869
Disabled comedian who can't do that. Um...
1192
00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:53,703
Hardest I ever made Tommy laugh,
1193
00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:55,955
I put my dick and balls
in a wine glass in Hawaii,
1194
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:58,416
and went up behind him
and I went, "Cocktail?"
1195
00:47:58,417 --> 00:47:59,333
[audience laughs]
1196
00:47:59,334 --> 00:48:00,585
We love gay shit.
1197
00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,921
So he's accurate. And I go, "Hold on."
1198
00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:07,049
I go, "I really have
never done this, Snoop."
1199
00:48:07,050 --> 00:48:08,927
And he goes, "Bullshit."
1200
00:48:09,428 --> 00:48:12,680
I said, "Well, I have in high school
and in college, but..."
1201
00:48:12,681 --> 00:48:14,765
I go, "You do this?"
1202
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,519
He goes, "Yeah, sometimes. With friends."
1203
00:48:18,437 --> 00:48:22,065
I said, "Like who?" He goes,
"I did it with Dr. Dre two weeks ago."
1204
00:48:22,691 --> 00:48:25,568
I was like, "You and Doc--
Did you do it at the same time?"
1205
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:29,448
He goes, "That's the only way to do it.
What the fuck's wrong with you?"
1206
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:33,744
"I thought you were cool, Bert."
And I was like, "No, I'm very cool."
1207
00:48:34,453 --> 00:48:36,829
"I'm cool."
And I start walking to his bathroom.
1208
00:48:36,830 --> 00:48:38,831
[audience laughs]
1209
00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:41,375
And Snoop goes,
"Where the fuck are you going?"
1210
00:48:41,376 --> 00:48:42,627
[audience laughs]
1211
00:48:42,628 --> 00:48:44,463
I said, "I'm going to your shower."
1212
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:46,547
He goes, "Why?"
1213
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:47,590
[audience laughs]
1214
00:48:47,591 --> 00:48:50,010
I said, "You said
we was gonna take a shower."
1215
00:48:50,844 --> 00:48:53,137
He said, "Bitch, I said
we was gonna take a shot."
1216
00:48:53,138 --> 00:48:54,472
[audience laughs]
1217
00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:56,349
I went,
"Oh, my God, that's so much better."
1218
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:57,642
[audience laughs]
1219
00:48:57,643 --> 00:49:00,186
"I thought you said we'd take a shower.
Let's take a shot."
1220
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:03,064
And Snoop's not laughing, he goes,
"I don't wanna take a shot no more."
1221
00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,440
[audience laughs]
1222
00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:06,400
"I think I wanna be alone right now."
1223
00:49:06,401 --> 00:49:07,443
[audience laughs]
1224
00:49:07,444 --> 00:49:10,571
He goes, "You came over here to shower?"
I said, "Well, it was your idea."
1225
00:49:10,572 --> 00:49:12,074
He goes, "No, it fucking wasn't."
1226
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:15,159
"Even if it was my idea,
you showed the fuck up?"
1227
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:17,454
I was like, "Well, I was really upset."
1228
00:49:17,996 --> 00:49:20,873
He goes, "Wait. If I didn't stop you,
where the fuck would you be?"
1229
00:49:20,874 --> 00:49:22,166
[audience laughs]
1230
00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:23,709
I said, "In your shower."
1231
00:49:23,710 --> 00:49:25,336
[audience laughs]
1232
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:27,880
He said, "Doing what?"
I said, "Waiting for you?"
1233
00:49:27,881 --> 00:49:29,340
[audience laughs]
1234
00:49:29,341 --> 00:49:31,300
Snoop Dogg reaches into his pocket,
1235
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:33,594
pulls out a blunt,
lights it, hits it, he goes,
1236
00:49:33,595 --> 00:49:35,930
"Fuck you, I know why
your daughter smokes weed, Bert."
1237
00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:39,017
[audience laughing and applauding]
1238
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:52,989
Hey, can someone on my team
grab me a towel real quick?
1239
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:55,366
I'm sweating my dick off.
1240
00:49:55,367 --> 00:49:58,119
Dude, Florida sweat is fucking different.
1241
00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,578
[woman] Yes, it is!
1242
00:49:59,579 --> 00:50:01,622
If you didn't grow up with this,
and you come here,
1243
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:03,499
you're like
"What's up with your goddamn city?"
1244
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:06,919
And you're like, "Why?"
Your balls dripping into your shoe?"
1245
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:09,422
Your balls drip sweat, it's amazing.
1246
00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:10,381
Any shirt will do.
1247
00:50:10,382 --> 00:50:12,758
Just take the shirt off your body
and give it to me.
1248
00:50:12,759 --> 00:50:14,552
[audience laughs]
1249
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:17,055
I have one more story
I wanna tell you, and I...
1250
00:50:17,639 --> 00:50:18,931
It's a doozy.
1251
00:50:18,932 --> 00:50:20,057
[audience laughs]
1252
00:50:20,058 --> 00:50:23,102
Thank you, Kyle.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle, ex-military.
1253
00:50:23,103 --> 00:50:25,188
[audience cheering and applauding]
1254
00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:29,150
Get ready.
1255
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:31,236
[audience laughs]
1256
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:34,238
We put our dog down.
1257
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:36,616
- [audience] Aww.
- [laughs]
1258
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:38,993
It gets funnier, okay?
1259
00:50:38,994 --> 00:50:40,703
[audience laughs]
1260
00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:42,121
She was a great dog.
1261
00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:43,372
She really was.
1262
00:50:43,373 --> 00:50:46,834
Priscilla was her name.
First big dog I ever had. Bullmastiff.
1263
00:50:46,835 --> 00:50:49,587
Best goddamn dog.
I remember the first night we got her.
1264
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:53,215
You know when you get a puppy,
they're nervous and they're scared and...
1265
00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,509
But they're home,
and you need to tell them that.
1266
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:58,512
And everyone's playing with her,
but she's just off by a little bit.
1267
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:02,392
Girls go to bed, LeeAnn goes to bed.
I stay up drinking whiskey with this dog.
1268
00:51:02,893 --> 00:51:05,103
And I'm drunk-talking to her, you know?
1269
00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:06,480
Just like...
1270
00:51:07,397 --> 00:51:10,274
I remember saying to her... [laughs]
1271
00:51:10,275 --> 00:51:13,611
I said, "Baby girl, you're about
to have the best life."
1272
00:51:13,612 --> 00:51:15,404
"You have nothing to be nervous about."
1273
00:51:15,405 --> 00:51:17,990
"Those little girls will love
the shit out of you day and night."
1274
00:51:17,991 --> 00:51:20,868
"That woman in there
will take care of your every need."
1275
00:51:20,869 --> 00:51:22,912
"Me, I'm gonna be in and out, but..."
1276
00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:24,872
[audience laughs]
1277
00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:27,917
I said, "Here's the deal I need from you."
1278
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:30,711
"For all that stuff,
all I need is when I'm gone,
1279
00:51:30,712 --> 00:51:33,547
I need you to be my terrorist."
1280
00:51:33,548 --> 00:51:34,632
[audience laughs]
1281
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:38,094
"Anyone walks through that door,
you have to give your life."
1282
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:40,554
"You die first, then they die."
1283
00:51:40,555 --> 00:51:42,056
[audience laughs]
1284
00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,475
And this puppy closed her eyes,
1285
00:51:44,476 --> 00:51:46,936
put her head on my lap
and went, "I'm home."
1286
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:48,854
- [audience] Aww.
- [clicks tongue]
1287
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:50,439
You ever get so high...
1288
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:51,732
[audience laughs]
1289
00:51:51,733 --> 00:51:54,235
...you cuddle with your dog
and your dick get hard?
1290
00:51:54,236 --> 00:51:56,321
[audience laughing]
1291
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:01,951
Me either.
1292
00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:03,786
[audience laughs]
1293
00:52:03,787 --> 00:52:06,539
No one? Okay, one time. One time.
1294
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:09,250
One time, I-- You did too, don't you?
1295
00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:12,545
I took way too many edibles at night,
woke up the next morning still high.
1296
00:52:12,546 --> 00:52:15,339
Priscilla gets in bed with me,
I am cuddling so hard with her.
1297
00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:17,550
I didn't even realize my dick was hard.
1298
00:52:17,551 --> 00:52:20,511
LeeAnn came in, saw it, goes,
"Who's that hard dick for?"
1299
00:52:20,512 --> 00:52:22,138
And I could not stop laughing.
1300
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:23,055
[audience laughs]
1301
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,473
And I just went, "Priscilla."
1302
00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:26,643
"She's the only one
that makes my dick hard."
1303
00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:28,435
LeeAnn hated that joke.
1304
00:52:28,436 --> 00:52:31,188
I would do it every morning
when I saw her in the kitchen.
1305
00:52:31,189 --> 00:52:32,773
I'd come out and pet Priscilla and go,
1306
00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:36,152
"You know you're the only one
that makes my dick hard."
1307
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:38,904
LeeAnn would be like,
"Stop it. That's not funny, that's gross."
1308
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:40,114
That's why I did it.
1309
00:52:40,115 --> 00:52:41,365
[audience laughs]
1310
00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:44,494
We bought a new dog,
another bullmastiff, Mac.
1311
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:46,872
Not the greatest dog.
1312
00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:48,789
He's a great dog. I love him.
1313
00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:51,667
But he's kind of a whore,
and he's stupid as fuck.
1314
00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:54,379
And he loves my dick. I mean, this dog,
1315
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:58,216
if he sees my dick,
he's like, "Uh, that's mine."
1316
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:01,177
"I'm eating that today." He--
1317
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:03,305
You can't even jerk off
in front of this dog.
1318
00:53:03,805 --> 00:53:06,056
Priscilla? You go to jerk off,
she'd walk outside,
1319
00:53:06,057 --> 00:53:07,976
and be like, "I'll let you do your thing."
1320
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:12,897
Mac sees you jerking off,
he gets right next to you, like, "Whoa!"
1321
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:14,190
"Ah!"
1322
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,983
"Oh! Okay. Oh! Ah!"
1323
00:53:15,984 --> 00:53:16,901
[audience laughs]
1324
00:53:16,902 --> 00:53:19,069
"Are you gonna throw that stick or what?"
1325
00:53:19,070 --> 00:53:20,154
[audience laughs]
1326
00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:22,990
I was having sex with LeeAnn
one time, doggy-style.
1327
00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:24,408
I thought he'd appreciate it.
1328
00:53:24,409 --> 00:53:25,701
[audience laughs]
1329
00:53:25,702 --> 00:53:26,911
Smack her on the ass.
1330
00:53:26,912 --> 00:53:29,955
And I realize at that moment
that is her dog, not my dog.
1331
00:53:29,956 --> 00:53:31,248
[audience laughs]
1332
00:53:31,249 --> 00:53:33,584
He fucking lit up, just-- [barks]
1333
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:35,878
And I popped out of LeeAnn...
1334
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:37,046
[audience laughs]
1335
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:39,840
...with this pheromone stick
floating around.
1336
00:53:39,841 --> 00:53:43,177
His eyes go in the back of his head,
he goes, "I'm eating that today."
1337
00:53:43,178 --> 00:53:44,887
- [audience laughs]
- I'm panicked.
1338
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:47,431
I got this 150-pound beast on the bed,
1339
00:53:47,432 --> 00:53:48,933
the dog's coming at me.
1340
00:53:48,934 --> 00:53:50,309
I don't know what to do.
1341
00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:52,395
[audience laughs]
1342
00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:54,271
Good. Everyone got it?
1343
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,316
[audience laughs]
1344
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:02,239
So, one morning,
1345
00:54:02,739 --> 00:54:04,865
Priscilla wakes up,
she's having a hard time breathing.
1346
00:54:04,866 --> 00:54:06,367
Take her to the vet.
1347
00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:08,994
The vet says to us, "Uh, it's not good."
1348
00:54:08,995 --> 00:54:10,747
"She has a tumor on her heart."
1349
00:54:11,539 --> 00:54:13,457
"We have to put her down."
Now, here's the deal.
1350
00:54:13,458 --> 00:54:16,252
I grew up, like a lot
of the men in this room,
1351
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:19,922
with a father who taught me not to cry.
1352
00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:23,133
Anytime I cried as a young man,
he'd say, "Hey, don't be a bitch."
1353
00:54:23,134 --> 00:54:25,552
"Suck it up. Be a fucking man."
1354
00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:28,013
"I don't wanna see you fucking crying."
1355
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:31,392
When I had daughters, I remember
my dad pulling me aside and going,
1356
00:54:31,393 --> 00:54:33,936
"Hey, don't ever let your daughters
see you cry."
1357
00:54:33,937 --> 00:54:36,021
"They need to know that they're safe,
1358
00:54:36,022 --> 00:54:38,274
and that you're in charge
and have stuff under control."
1359
00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:42,569
"If you have to cry, God forbid,
you go into the closet, go into a shower."
1360
00:54:42,570 --> 00:54:45,739
"You get that shit out.
Then you come out and handle your shit."
1361
00:54:45,740 --> 00:54:47,449
It's not healthy. We know that now.
1362
00:54:47,450 --> 00:54:49,034
[audience laughs]
1363
00:54:49,035 --> 00:54:51,787
But inversely,
what I do when I get emotional,
1364
00:54:51,788 --> 00:54:55,124
like a lot of the guys in this room,
I make a joke.
1365
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:57,043
Because if I laugh, I stop crying.
1366
00:54:57,544 --> 00:55:01,130
Wasn't very useful in the vet's office.
1367
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:02,715
[audience laughs]
1368
00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:04,550
He says, "We'll have to put her down."
1369
00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:07,470
LeeAnn starts crying,
and I start thinking of jokes.
1370
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,848
LeeAnn goes, "We gonna do it here?"
He goes, "You can do it at home."
1371
00:55:10,849 --> 00:55:12,808
And I go, "You want me to do it?"
1372
00:55:12,809 --> 00:55:13,976
[audience laughs]
1373
00:55:13,977 --> 00:55:15,644
I go, "What, do I throw her in the pool?"
1374
00:55:15,645 --> 00:55:17,187
[audience laughs]
1375
00:55:17,188 --> 00:55:19,106
This guy has put down a lot of dogs,
1376
00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:21,568
and he's never heard anyone
reply with a joke.
1377
00:55:22,068 --> 00:55:23,861
That's the best time to deliver a joke.
1378
00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:25,779
He is crying laughing.
1379
00:55:25,780 --> 00:55:27,114
[audience laughs]
1380
00:55:27,115 --> 00:55:29,951
He can't even find--
He's like, "No. No, no, no."
1381
00:55:30,535 --> 00:55:33,954
I go, "Do I put a pillow over her snout
and wait till her tail stops wagging?"
1382
00:55:33,955 --> 00:55:36,832
"Lift it up and drop it
like the old wrestling moves?"
1383
00:55:36,833 --> 00:55:40,669
Now he's crying laughing
and he's like, "Hold on. Stop. No."
1384
00:55:40,670 --> 00:55:42,838
"I have a woman
who will kill her for you."
1385
00:55:42,839 --> 00:55:43,964
I went, "What?"
1386
00:55:43,965 --> 00:55:45,257
[audience laughs]
1387
00:55:45,258 --> 00:55:47,718
He's like, "Now, you got me
doing it, you sick fuck!"
1388
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:48,677
[audience laughs]
1389
00:55:48,678 --> 00:55:50,679
I remember saying to him, "Is she good?"
1390
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:52,264
[audience laughs]
1391
00:55:52,265 --> 00:55:55,642
He goes, "There's no gray area.
They either kill 'em or don't kill 'em."
1392
00:55:55,643 --> 00:55:57,144
[audience laughs]
1393
00:55:57,145 --> 00:56:00,689
He goes, "You tell me
your definition of good."
1394
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,066
[audience laughs]
1395
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:04,777
I say, "She breaks into my house
at 2:30 in the morning."
1396
00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:05,819
[audience laughs]
1397
00:56:05,820 --> 00:56:08,489
"Kills that dog while we sleep,
then she grabs my other animals,
1398
00:56:08,490 --> 00:56:10,366
sedates them,
superglues their paws together,
1399
00:56:10,367 --> 00:56:12,201
puts them in a prayer circle around her."
1400
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:13,243
[audience laughs]
1401
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:14,912
"That's how we find her in the morning."
1402
00:56:14,913 --> 00:56:17,331
And he goes, "Fuck, that is good."
1403
00:56:17,332 --> 00:56:18,957
[audience laughs]
1404
00:56:18,958 --> 00:56:21,794
LeeAnn looks at me and goes,
"This shit ends right now."
1405
00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:23,754
[audience laughs]
1406
00:56:23,755 --> 00:56:26,924
So, we call the girls ahead of time.
1407
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,676
Not a great call.
Not my favorite call I've ever made.
1408
00:56:29,677 --> 00:56:31,220
But the girls were awesome.
1409
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,806
They really were.
No jokes about them in this story.
1410
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:36,100
They were really great.
Very proud of them.
1411
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,894
They went into their bedrooms,
pulled off their mattresses,
1412
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:41,688
and brought them in the living room.
Put them in between the couches,
1413
00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:43,232
so Pris had a place to sleep.
1414
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:46,026
And they stayed up with that dog
all night long.
1415
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:48,028
Told her stories of when she was a puppy.
1416
00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:50,489
They told her
their favorite things about her.
1417
00:56:50,490 --> 00:56:54,910
They cried, they processed emotions.
LeeAnn cried with them. Not me.
1418
00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:55,953
[scattered laughter]
1419
00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:57,038
I didn't cry.
1420
00:56:57,622 --> 00:56:59,999
I sat in my recliner, and I drank whiskey.
1421
00:57:00,917 --> 00:57:02,252
And I got angry.
1422
00:57:03,002 --> 00:57:06,046
I was looking at-- We have one dog
that should've died three years ago.
1423
00:57:06,047 --> 00:57:07,924
[audience laughs]
1424
00:57:08,508 --> 00:57:09,801
You know the dog.
1425
00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:13,637
Twenty-one years old,
can't see, can't hear.
1426
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:15,890
Walks in the living room
at 2:00 a.m., just...
1427
00:57:17,308 --> 00:57:19,310
[audience laughing]
1428
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:24,940
[high-pitched bark]
1429
00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:26,817
[audience laughs]
1430
00:57:26,818 --> 00:57:29,028
- [barking]
- [audience laughing]
1431
00:57:29,654 --> 00:57:32,489
You can't even pick it up
because it doesn't know you're there.
1432
00:57:32,490 --> 00:57:33,407
You try, she goes...
1433
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:34,742
[growling]
1434
00:57:36,870 --> 00:57:38,996
The whole time, I'm like,
"It should've been you, Mona."
1435
00:57:38,997 --> 00:57:40,874
[audience laughs]
1436
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:45,043
Wake up the next morning,
LeeAnn looks me and goes, "It's time."
1437
00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,171
"You need to call the lady now."
So I go out back.
1438
00:57:47,172 --> 00:57:48,672
I'm still not right in my head.
1439
00:57:48,673 --> 00:57:51,341
I remember just calling and going,
"You the bitch that kill dogs?"
1440
00:57:51,342 --> 00:57:52,634
[audience laughs]
1441
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,553
She goes, "You got that bitch."
1442
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:55,847
She was cold.
1443
00:57:56,347 --> 00:57:57,932
She goes, "What breed is it, sir?"
1444
00:57:58,766 --> 00:58:00,518
I was like, "Does it matter?"
1445
00:58:01,019 --> 00:58:02,603
"You're just killing it."
1446
00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:05,147
She goes, "What breed is it, sir?"
1447
00:58:05,148 --> 00:58:07,649
"Really?" I go, "Bullmastiff."
1448
00:58:07,650 --> 00:58:10,612
She goes,
"Okay, 45 minutes. I'll be there."
1449
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:12,363
And hangs up.
1450
00:58:12,989 --> 00:58:15,533
I was like, "I didn't even get to say,
'Take your time.'"
1451
00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:18,827
She shows up 45 minutes later,
and she brings her boyfriend,
1452
00:58:18,828 --> 00:58:20,245
which I thought was odd.
1453
00:58:20,246 --> 00:58:21,163
[audience laughs]
1454
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:23,373
I kind of thought, were they having lunch,
1455
00:58:23,374 --> 00:58:25,375
she took the call and was like, "Hold on."
1456
00:58:25,376 --> 00:58:28,045
"Hey, I got to go kill a dog.
Do you wanna come?"
1457
00:58:28,046 --> 00:58:29,087
[audience laughs]
1458
00:58:29,088 --> 00:58:30,839
And he was like, "Wait, what breed is it?"
1459
00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:33,133
[audience laughs]
1460
00:58:33,134 --> 00:58:34,760
He doesn't even introduce himself.
1461
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:37,387
He just sits in LeeAnn's office chair
in our living room
1462
00:58:37,388 --> 00:58:38,515
and watches.
1463
00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:41,935
She gives Pris a shot
1464
00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:44,144
to make her feel better.
1465
00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:45,979
I know you've been there.
1466
00:58:45,980 --> 00:58:49,525
That's the most heartbreaking moment
of the whole experience,
1467
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:53,278
is this dog, who has struggled
all night holding on to life,
1468
00:58:53,279 --> 00:58:55,948
all of a sudden has a moment of relief
and is like...
1469
00:58:55,949 --> 00:58:59,244
[inhales then whoops] "I'm back, baby!"
1470
00:58:59,744 --> 00:59:02,079
"I'm feeling great!
Who wants to go for a walk, huh?"
1471
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:04,998
"You guys thought I was gonna die.
I'm not dying today."
1472
00:59:04,999 --> 00:59:07,251
"You jerking off? I'm gonna go out back."
This dog...
1473
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,418
[audience laughs]
1474
00:59:08,419 --> 00:59:11,881
Then she got up to get on the couch
and she collapsed.
1475
00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:15,759
And LeeAnn looked at me and was like,
"We're doing the right thing."
1476
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:17,512
So we put Pris on the couch.
1477
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:21,181
Lady says, "Now is when you want
to say goodbye to your dog."
1478
00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:22,266
Oh...
1479
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:23,767
Heartbreaking.
1480
00:59:23,768 --> 00:59:27,145
Here's the crazy thing,
as a parent, sometimes you sacrifice
1481
00:59:27,146 --> 00:59:30,524
so that your kids
get the better thing, and your spouse.
1482
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:31,858
You give up what you need
1483
00:59:31,859 --> 00:59:36,029
so that they can have a better experience
in life, but you're still a person.
1484
00:59:36,030 --> 00:59:37,906
And in that moment,
1485
00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:42,661
I remember being upset that I didn't have
a good spot on the dog to say goodbye.
1486
00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:44,162
[audience laughs]
1487
00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:47,249
'Cause all the girls and LeeAnn
were in Pris' face
1488
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:49,167
telling her how much they loved her,
1489
00:59:49,168 --> 00:59:51,086
and I'm just rubbing
an ass haunch in the back.
1490
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:52,004
[audience laughs]
1491
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:53,338
She doesn't even know I'm there.
1492
00:59:53,339 --> 00:59:55,882
I'm like to dude in the orgy
jerking off in the corner...
1493
00:59:55,883 --> 00:59:57,969
[audience laughs]
1494
01:00:04,642 --> 01:00:06,059
Lady comes in
1495
01:00:06,060 --> 01:00:07,604
with the next shot.
1496
01:00:09,022 --> 01:00:10,147
Gives it to Pris,
1497
01:00:10,148 --> 01:00:13,942
Pris passes, last thing she sees
are my girls and my wife
1498
01:00:13,943 --> 01:00:15,778
telling her they love her.
1499
01:00:16,738 --> 01:00:18,447
I didn't say goodbye to my dog,
1500
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:21,951
which is fine 'cause,
in my book, at least I didn't cry.
1501
01:00:23,161 --> 01:00:25,412
Things settle a little bit,
boyfriend comes over.
1502
01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:27,165
He's like, "Hey, I'm Nick." I was like...
1503
01:00:27,707 --> 01:00:29,333
[audience laughs]
1504
01:00:29,334 --> 01:00:30,917
"It's a little late for that, Nick."
1505
01:00:30,918 --> 01:00:32,377
[audience laughs]
1506
01:00:32,378 --> 01:00:35,923
He says, "Hey, man, can you help me
get your dog to our Jeep?"
1507
01:00:37,133 --> 01:00:39,760
And I realized
why she brought the boyfriend.
1508
01:00:39,761 --> 01:00:41,470
In a minute it all fucking falls--
1509
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:43,764
I then realized why she asked the breed.
1510
01:00:43,765 --> 01:00:48,227
You know early in her career she neglected
to ask the breed to a family,
1511
01:00:48,853 --> 01:00:49,771
killed their dog,
1512
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,398
and was standing over
a Saint Bernard, like...
1513
01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:55,776
[audience laughs]
1514
01:00:55,777 --> 01:00:58,028
"I should've killed this
closer to the car."
1515
01:00:58,029 --> 01:01:00,114
[audience laughs]
1516
01:01:02,450 --> 01:01:05,911
I hadn't cried yet,
and this is what got me.
1517
01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:09,874
For men, it's always the thing
you don't expect that breaks you.
1518
01:01:10,458 --> 01:01:12,626
When Priscilla died,
she shit on the couch.
1519
01:01:12,627 --> 01:01:14,044
[audience laughs]
1520
01:01:14,045 --> 01:01:16,630
The dude goes to lift her up
to put her on the gurney,
1521
01:01:16,631 --> 01:01:18,716
and as he puts his hand
1522
01:01:19,717 --> 01:01:22,636
under it, he sticks his arm in the shit.
1523
01:01:22,637 --> 01:01:25,682
It's hot. It's in his watch,
and he goes, "Oh, fuck!"
1524
01:01:26,182 --> 01:01:27,975
"Your dog shit on the couch!"
1525
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:31,520
She's my dog. I went to defend her.
I go, "It's okay, baby girl."
1526
01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:34,398
And as I rubbed her head, I realized--
1527
01:01:34,399 --> 01:01:37,651
Bullmastiffs have a very wrinkly forehead,
1528
01:01:37,652 --> 01:01:39,528
and there were no wrinkles there.
1529
01:01:39,529 --> 01:01:40,570
[woman] Aww.
1530
01:01:40,571 --> 01:01:43,615
[laughs then sobs softly]
1531
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:46,535
Hold on. [laughs sadly]
1532
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:48,662
Hold on, guys don't cry well.
1533
01:01:48,663 --> 01:01:50,706
We don't do it well.
Women, you're good with that.
1534
01:01:50,707 --> 01:01:52,874
Guys cry the way women shit their pants.
1535
01:01:52,875 --> 01:01:53,792
[audience laughs]
1536
01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:58,005
Women don't shit their pants cool.
Guys shit their pants slick, with dignity.
1537
01:01:58,589 --> 01:02:00,465
A guy will be like,
"Whoa, I shit my pants."
1538
01:02:00,466 --> 01:02:02,467
"Don't let her take my wings.
I'll be right back."
1539
01:02:02,468 --> 01:02:03,760
[audience laughs]
1540
01:02:03,761 --> 01:02:07,640
Woman shits her pants and the day is over.
She's like, "I just shit my pants!"
1541
01:02:08,141 --> 01:02:10,851
"I have a thong on.
It's in both my high heels!"
1542
01:02:10,852 --> 01:02:11,935
[audience laughs]
1543
01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:14,104
So I start crying
like a woman shitting her pants,
1544
01:02:14,105 --> 01:02:16,148
and it's coming out everywhere.
1545
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:20,318
I grabbed the gurney, and as I lift it up
I'm looking at this dude, who's gagging.
1546
01:02:20,319 --> 01:02:22,070
He's got shit all over him.
1547
01:02:22,071 --> 01:02:24,406
It's a weird time to start crying.
1548
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:27,452
And I feel my daughters
put their hand on my back.
1549
01:02:28,453 --> 01:02:30,871
And they rub my back,
and they walk with me.
1550
01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:34,000
And as we walk outside, I find out
1551
01:02:34,709 --> 01:02:38,170
that my daughters know
that the only way to get me to stop crying
1552
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:39,505
is to make me laugh.
1553
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:41,590
As we walked out our front door,
1554
01:02:41,591 --> 01:02:44,217
the guy goes, "We'll put her
in the back of the Jeep."
1555
01:02:44,218 --> 01:02:46,845
And Georgia, with a straight face,
looks at him and goes,
1556
01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:48,638
"She usually rides up front."
1557
01:02:48,639 --> 01:02:50,725
[audience laughing]
1558
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,776
I'm looking at this guy,
who is confused as fuck.
1559
01:03:00,777 --> 01:03:02,737
[audience laughs]
1560
01:03:03,237 --> 01:03:06,114
He goes, "Uh, I was gonna ride up front."
1561
01:03:06,115 --> 01:03:07,407
[audience laughs]
1562
01:03:07,408 --> 01:03:10,285
She doesn't break, she goes,
"She gets carsick."
1563
01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:11,953
[audience laughs]
1564
01:03:11,954 --> 01:03:14,415
This guy is fucking-- "Uh..."
1565
01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:17,375
"We'll drive real slow."
1566
01:03:17,376 --> 01:03:18,710
[audience laughs]
1567
01:03:18,711 --> 01:03:20,755
Put Priscilla in the back of the Jeep.
1568
01:03:21,255 --> 01:03:23,965
Dude moves off to the side,
and the girls step back.
1569
01:03:23,966 --> 01:03:26,718
And I realize they're letting me
say goodbye to my dog.
1570
01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:28,595
[sobs softly]
1571
01:03:28,596 --> 01:03:31,682
I'm cool sharing this
'cause I know we've all been there.
1572
01:03:32,183 --> 01:03:33,559
They're so fucking good.
1573
01:03:34,060 --> 01:03:36,186
I just leaned over this dog.
She looked so beautiful.
1574
01:03:36,187 --> 01:03:39,732
And I said, "Baby girl, I love you."
1575
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:43,151
"You did everything
that was ever asked of you."
1576
01:03:43,152 --> 01:03:44,611
"You're the best goddamn dog."
1577
01:03:44,612 --> 01:03:48,532
"You did your job.
You were the best fucking terrorist ever."
1578
01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:49,574
[audience laughs]
1579
01:03:49,575 --> 01:03:51,743
And this guy's off to the side going...
1580
01:03:51,744 --> 01:03:53,830
[audience laughs]
1581
01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:55,956
"She was a terrorist?"
1582
01:03:55,957 --> 01:03:57,165
[audience laughs]
1583
01:03:57,166 --> 01:03:59,918
Georgia's in the pocket,
She goes, "Better than ISIS."
1584
01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:02,004
[audience laughs]
1585
01:04:03,256 --> 01:04:05,340
And then I start
running through all the nicknames,
1586
01:04:05,341 --> 01:04:09,804
all the inside jokes I had with my dog,
I said, "Pris Potamus Pot Pie."
1587
01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:13,015
"I'm not gonna cut your ears off."
1588
01:04:13,641 --> 01:04:15,684
I used to tell her, "Those are my ears."
1589
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:18,186
"When you die,
I'm cutting them off and keeping them."
1590
01:04:18,187 --> 01:04:20,397
Now, I'm looking
at this beautiful dog going,
1591
01:04:20,398 --> 01:04:22,900
"You would look so silly without ears."
1592
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:27,279
"You wouldn't make any friends in heaven.
I'm not cutting your fucking ears off."
1593
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:30,615
And this guy is like a statue, he's like,
"What the fuck did he just say?"
1594
01:04:30,616 --> 01:04:31,575
[audience laughs]
1595
01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:33,285
"He was gonna cut her ears off."
1596
01:04:33,286 --> 01:04:35,078
And Ila goes,
"Technically they're his ears."
1597
01:04:35,079 --> 01:04:36,204
[audience laughs]
1598
01:04:36,205 --> 01:04:39,750
Then LeeAnn comes out, and the woman
that murdered her comes out.
1599
01:04:40,418 --> 01:04:41,626
They're all standing around me,
1600
01:04:41,627 --> 01:04:43,628
and the last thing I say
as I Iook at this dog is,
1601
01:04:43,629 --> 01:04:46,172
"Baby girl, you still make my dick hard."
1602
01:04:46,173 --> 01:04:48,049
[audience laughs]
1603
01:04:48,050 --> 01:04:49,927
"My dick's so hard right now."
1604
01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:52,637
I hear LeeAnn laughing, going,
1605
01:04:52,638 --> 01:04:55,808
"She's the only one
that makes your dick hard, baby."
1606
01:04:56,392 --> 01:04:58,603
These two are fucking frozen.
1607
01:04:59,478 --> 01:05:01,855
Ila comes up,
puts her hand on my back and goes,
1608
01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:04,692
"Big guy, it's okay."
1609
01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:09,487
Then she looks at the couple and goes,
"If she wakes up, you'll call us, right?"
1610
01:05:09,488 --> 01:05:11,448
[audience laughs]
1611
01:05:11,449 --> 01:05:13,783
That's my fucking dream team right there.
1612
01:05:13,784 --> 01:05:15,870
[audience cheering and applauding]
1613
01:05:17,538 --> 01:05:19,956
["Ramblin" playing]
1614
01:05:19,957 --> 01:05:21,291
Thank you so much!
1615
01:05:21,292 --> 01:05:23,210
God bless. Good night!
1616
01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:36,890
♪ Well, I was born with a travelin' bone ♪
1617
01:05:36,891 --> 01:05:39,059
♪ Can't hang around for too long ♪
1618
01:05:39,060 --> 01:05:41,436
♪ Been followin' that long white line ♪
1619
01:05:41,437 --> 01:05:43,480
♪ Coast to coast, new town every night ♪
1620
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:46,191
♪ I was born to ramble ♪
1621
01:05:46,192 --> 01:05:48,903
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
1622
01:05:51,697 --> 01:05:54,325
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
1623
01:05:55,117 --> 01:05:58,329
♪ So, I'll keep ramblin' on ♪
1624
01:06:00,998 --> 01:06:03,583
♪ Well, I've seen Boston, San Antone ♪
1625
01:06:03,584 --> 01:06:05,794
♪ Kansas City, just a-rollin' along ♪
1626
01:06:05,795 --> 01:06:09,965
♪ Oklahoma, Tennessee
Louisiana, New Orleans ♪
1627
01:06:09,966 --> 01:06:12,801
♪ I was born to ramble ♪
1628
01:06:12,802 --> 01:06:15,513
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
1629
01:06:18,766 --> 01:06:20,893
{\an8}♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
1630
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:25,147
{\an8}♪ So, I'll keep on ramblin' on ♪
1631
01:06:53,718 --> 01:06:55,802
♪ Don't get me wrong
I love where I'm from ♪
1632
01:06:55,803 --> 01:06:58,346
♪ I got a beautiful woman
Waitin' on me back home ♪
1633
01:06:58,347 --> 01:07:00,390
♪ Don't take for granted my family ♪
1634
01:07:00,391 --> 01:07:02,475
♪ But a ramblin' fever got a hold of me ♪
1635
01:07:02,476 --> 01:07:04,729
♪ 'Cause I was born to ramble ♪
1636
01:07:05,646 --> 01:07:08,733
♪ I got that travelin' bone ♪
1637
01:07:11,485 --> 01:07:13,821
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
1638
01:07:14,363 --> 01:07:17,158
♪ So, I'll keep on ramblin' on ♪
1639
01:07:20,244 --> 01:07:23,079
♪ Well, I was born to ramble ♪
1640
01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:27,209
♪ I'll keep on ramblin' on ♪
1641
01:07:32,631 --> 01:07:33,632
[song ends]