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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[lightning crashes]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Every town, I figured out, every city
gets either crack or heroin.

5
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:15,180
Crack and meth or heroin
as their chief affliction.

6
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,142
And, uh, DC's a crack town.

7
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,519
[chuckles] Yeah.

8
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,813
It's always been a--
Sure, be proud of it. I hate it.

9
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,525
[lighthearted piano music plays]

10
00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:29,654
{\an8}Yeah, they're too active.

11
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,324
Crackheads are-- they're always scurrying.

12
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:36,493
Can't pin 'em down.
Unpredictable movements.

13
00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:38,663
They're like a new snowboarder
ahead of you.

14
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:42,208
[laughs] Like, make a full turn.

15
00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:46,253
Always, like, looking
for a trash can to rifle through,

16
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:49,549
or a cop to stand nearby
to act normal around.

17
00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:53,010
[laughs] And they always want
human contact,

18
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,430
only when they have visible cuts
on their body.

19
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,307
[laughs] That's the only time.

20
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:01,436
"Hey, you got a dollar?"
You're like, "No, you know you can't."

21
00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:03,187
"How about a handshake?"

22
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,482
You're dripping blood
out of your fingers! No.

23
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,279
That's why I prefer heroin.

24
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:15,992
Even when they want to bother you,
they really don't have the energy for it.

25
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,994
You know? Heroin heads are like,
"Hey, man, you got a--"

26
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:20,997
"Can I get a-- Can I get a dollar?"

27
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:30,465
Every time you think they're done bending,
they're like, "No, I have more bend."

28
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:34,676
Have you ever seen one?

29
00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:37,472
Have you ever seen a heroin addict
fall asleep standing up?

30
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,849
It's kind of beautiful.

31
00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:43,478
If you can get over what it means
for your neighborhood.

32
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:49,150
You know? It's such a slow,
graceful tai chi of failure.

33
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,863
Yeah. When I see them slowly falling off,

34
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:57,825
I like to-- I like to imagine I'm an X-Man
and I have super speed.

35
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,619
And I just run around them.

36
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,959
Just make noise like,
"Pew, pew, pew, pew."

37
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,920
[chuckles] No, it's a problem.

38
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,631
I don't know what to do.
I have no idea how to help.

39
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,592
I don't know how to help a meth head.
Here's how you help a heroin addict.

40
00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:17,511
If you want to help them,
put a hat by them,

41
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,013
and paint them silver.

42
00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,103
[chuckles softly]

43
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,857
I don't know if it'll help.
It will beautify the neighborhood.

44
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:33,402
Trying to-- Trying to focus on, uh--

45
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,696
on positivity lately.
That's what I'm doing in my life.

46
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,948
You know, there's so much
negative shit in the world.

47
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:39,283
- [woman in audience] Whoo!
- Yeah.

48
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:42,744
"Whoo" for the negative, yeah. [laughs]
No, it's everywhere.

49
00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:45,330
But I've always found there's a--
there's an angle on everything

50
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,499
that is good.

51
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,126
No? Maybe you don't know
what I'm talking about.

52
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,838
Maybe you're like,
"Explain it, Ari, while you're up there."

53
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,298
I'm like, "There's always--" Okay.

54
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:57,676
Here-- Okay, COVID, that's a good example.
Lotta people died during COVID.

55
00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,555
Some of those people were cunts.

56
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,183
[laughs]

57
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,644
Let's not lose sight of those dead cunts.

58
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,856
You know somebody cut you off
in traffic eight years ago,

59
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,567
and you go, "I hope you die."

60
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,027
And they did.

61
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,907
Just not the way you were expecting.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.

62
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,743
We had this old couple live
below me in New York.

63
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,037
We live like rats in New York. And, uh,

64
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,956
I got a puppy. It was that fucking big,
it'd run across the floor,

65
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:30,209
and they'd fucking bang
with a broom handle.

66
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,085
They'd be like, "Shut the fuck up!"

67
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,921
A puppy chasing a sock.

68
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,381
They'd wait till nine o'clock,
be like, "It's 9:01 p.m.!"

69
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:38,342
"You shut the fuck up, up there!"

70
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,136
God, I hated them so much.

71
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,889
Well, they don't bang anymore.

72
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,979
Yeah, 'cause some hero in China
ate an iguana or whatever. I don't know.

73
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:52,941
I don't know the whole story.

74
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,360
[laughs] I don't have to know.

75
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,071
I'm too busy playing with my dog.

76
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,242
Focus on the positive,
is what I'm trying to tell you.

77
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:07,205
And every time I see a heroin addict,
I'm like, "Uh, that is excellent balance."

78
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:09,122
You know?

79
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:12,585
I once saw one asleep standing up
on the New York City subway.

80
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:15,838
Nobody understands how wild that is.

81
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:19,132
Have you ever been
on a bus or a train and stood up,

82
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,678
and not held on to the fucking bar?

83
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,097
You've tried. We've all tried.

84
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,515
The doors are closing,
you're arranging your bag.

85
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,143
Like, "Oh shit. Well, I'll just post up.
I should be fine."

86
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:33,188
[laughs] You know? You're like,
"I played basketball in high school."

87
00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:34,607
"This should be no issue."

88
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,859
And then within three seconds,
you're like, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

89
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,153
You're just down.

90
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,698
Just on someone's lap.

91
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,118
This guy, ten stops, just...

92
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,086
What is in heroin?

93
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,006
Gotta research that ingredient.

94
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,175
And give it to the US gymnastics team.

95
00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:05,137
You guys ever watch gymnastics?

96
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,097
- [scattered cheers]
- Yeah.

97
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,141
Olympics, right?

98
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:09,976
Yeah, it's a weird sport.

99
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:14,314
Any other time you watch gymnastics,
you are a pedophile.

100
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,440
[laughs]

101
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,694
The whole sport is 12-year-olds
in bathing suits stretching.

102
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,115
But for two weeks every four years,
you're a patriot.

103
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,701
[chuckles]

104
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,703
You know who loves the Olympics
more than anybody?

105
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:31,330
Pedophiles, yeah. [laughs]

106
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,459
They're just at home, going,
"I can't believe this is on NBC. This is..."

107
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,378
"This is wild."

108
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:40,298
"No more dark web for Bobby!"

109
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,675
[laughs] Yeah. They're like,
"Next up, men's basketball."

110
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,845
Like, "Boo! No. More boys."

111
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,641
I watch gymnastics
for the same reason I watch NASCAR.

112
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,102
For the-- For the failures.

113
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,813
Yeah. I wanna see it bad too.
I really wanna see it bad. I wanna see--

114
00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:58,982
I've never seen this,
I want to see this in gymnastics.

115
00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:00,609
Flip, flip, flip, neck.

116
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:02,695
[audience laughs and groans]

117
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,489
Yeah, I've got problems.

118
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:07,074
I just want to hear the announcer go,

119
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,868
"Cut away right now, I'm gonna be sick."

120
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:12,496
[laughs] You know. Don't you?
Don't you want to say, "I saw it!"

121
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:15,041
"Before they scrubbed it
from the Internet, I saw it live."

122
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:20,128
Never seen that, but I have seen
failure on a smaller level.

123
00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:23,173
I like when they mess up
at the end too. That's my favorite.

124
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:25,342
When they fuck up at-- on the landing.

125
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:28,595
The part nobody cares about. You know?

126
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:31,057
If I tell you,
"Picture gymnastics in your head,"

127
00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:32,850
none of you picture this.

128
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,232
[chuckles] Like...

129
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:43,111
And that's the part that ruins it?
Oh, that's so funny to me.

130
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:46,738
I like when they're up there doing it,
'cause here's the deal.

131
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,740
When they're up there
and most of the way through,

132
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,700
you know when they think
they're crushing it.

133
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:53,662
Anything you're most of the way through,
you know when you're crushing it.

134
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,956
No matter what, high or low.
You could be a garbage man.

135
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,501
You could be like,
"Not a single broken bag today."

136
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,338
You know? "Two more blocks,
I'll be in the garbage man hall of fame."

137
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:06,967
If you're a lawyer,

138
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,971
like, "I put away so many
innocent Black teenagers this week."

139
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,766
[chuckles] Fucking...
Whatever brings you joy.

140
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,519
And, uh, they're up there too,
doing all their flips,

141
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,688
and they're in their head
when they're most of the way.

142
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:23,024
"I'm crushing this. I'm gonna win
Olympic gold. This is a ten-point-oh."

143
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:25,026
"I'm gonna be on the cover
of the Wheaties box."

144
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,071
"Endorsement deals.
I'm gonna be America's sweetheart."

145
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:30,116
And they have to dismount.
They come down, they go...

146
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:31,742
"Fuck!"

147
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:37,123
Assistant high-school gymnastics coach.

148
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:42,086
That's the best you can be now.

149
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:46,214
They just wanna cry.
We're like, "Ah! Do the hands first."

150
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:47,467
They're like... [sobs]

151
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,317
Yeah, we're all at home,
going, "You fucking bitch."

152
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,112
"You gonna embarrass us
in front of China like that?"

153
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,617
Yeah, it could all be avoided.

154
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,161
With just a little bit of heroin.

155
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,829
[chuckles] You know?

156
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:20,625
Same thing, flip, flip, flip.
Come down and just...

157
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:28,132
So...

158
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,092
it's all right.

159
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,178
[audience applauds]

160
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,598
So next time, uh-- next time you see
a heroin addict in your neighborhood,

161
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,352
don't go, "What the fuck?"
Go, "Possible gymnast."

162
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,647
You know, focus on the positives.
That's what I'm trying to say.

163
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:47,526
Here's how I do it. Here's how I stay away
from negative shit and stay positive.

164
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,946
I-- For the last five years,
I have not read or watched the news.

165
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,864
- [audience cheers]
- Now-- Cool.

166
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,449
Some of you are onboard.

167
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,493
It's never good.
You don't really have to watch it.

168
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:59,746
I know this is a fucking news town,
but you really-- It doesn't do you--

169
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:02,166
It's never like,
"Here's a fun summer recipe."

170
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,587
No, it's always like, "Read this article
and then cut out four of your friends."

171
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,214
[laughs] It's always shitty.

172
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,924
People are like,
"You gotta stay informed."

173
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,718
I'm like, "I don't think you do."

174
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:16,722
Besides the weather, none of it matters
to you for real, for real.

175
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,432
You know, they try to get you riled up.

176
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,518
Like, we pulled
out of Afghanistan too fast.

177
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,854
And I was like,
"I was never gonna go there."

178
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,444
You know, my vacation plans didn't
come down between Maui and Kabul.

179
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,116
And now, f-- Neither, I guess.

180
00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:38,452
[audience laughs and groans]

181
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:41,956
[audience cheers]

182
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:45,001
[Ari laughs] Fucking whatever.

183
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:48,212
I didn't start the fire. Relax.

184
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:52,799
But the little stuff doesn't matter.
The big stuff you will f--

185
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,385
Like 9/11, you know?

186
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:58,305
If you weren't watching the news,
somebody would've told you about 9--

187
00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,725
By 9/19, pretty much everybody knew.

188
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,024
Guaranteed, nobody went
to downtown New York

189
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,776
like Thanksgiving of that year,

190
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:12,903
just going like, "Wait. Where...?"

191
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:21,120
"Where are the two ones? I thought
the two ones were like right here."

192
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:22,913
"What happened?"

193
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:24,874
[laughs]

194
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,500
You know what I think about sometimes?

195
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,838
Who was the last person
to find out about 9/11?

196
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:34,467
Like, somebody had to be camping.

197
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:37,928
You know, out of cell phone service.

198
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:41,557
You have no idea. Show up
at your campsite on 9/9.

199
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:44,643
Four days of trout fishing,
let the world burn.

200
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,811
"What do we care?"

201
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,276
You have no idea what's being planned
by the Jews who planned it.

202
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,739
[chuckles]

203
00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:02,078
Call all your friends on the ride back in.
"What are we doing this weekend?"

204
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,499
"No way, bro. Nothing."
You're like, "What do you mean?"

205
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,293
Like, "'Cause 9/11." You're like, "What?"

206
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,254
"No, I'm talking about 9/14.
Friday night."

207
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:14,715
[chuckles]

208
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,802
You still find out about stuff
even if you don't read the news.

209
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:19,844
I found out, uh--

210
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:23,014
My friends told me
that Kanye West hates Jews.

211
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:26,726
Did you guys hear that?
You've heard that? Wow. I didn't hear it.

212
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,897
I was like, "Where'd you hear that?"
He was like, "Uh, it's on his Twitter."

213
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,857
I was like,
"I don't follow him on Twitter."

214
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,360
"I follow him on Spotify."

215
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:38,197
And he's considerably better on Spotify.

216
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,534
Yeah, if you're following one
of the best musicians of our lifetime

217
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,121
not on a music site,
you are doing it wrong.

218
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:47,956
On Twitter, he's a local lunatic.

219
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:51,210
On Spotify, Jesus walks with him.

220
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:54,588
[chuckles]

221
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:56,881
Dude, I like Kanye West's music so much,

222
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:59,468
when he was like, "I hate Jews,"
I'm like, "Let's hear him out."

223
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,139
Go ahead, Kanye. I have Jewish parents.

224
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,016
They can be annoying.
What do you have to say?

225
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:11,856
My thing is like, I don't know,
hate Jews if you want. But just, like...

226
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:13,899
write a song about it.

227
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,986
[laughs] You know?
We don't have to agree with your message.

228
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,322
If it slaps, we'll get behind you.

229
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,076
He's done it before.
We don't agree with everything he says.

230
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,704
Kanye West made a hit song
calling every woman in here

231
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,623
a fucking gold-digging whore.

232
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:34,086
And women all over America were like,
"Play that one. You got me on that one."

233
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:38,507
"Ooh, I do expect a fucking nice car,
but run that back. That fucking rules."

234
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,303
Dude, if you made
a fucking banger about Jews?

235
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:44,638
Bro, everybody would dance to it.

236
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,307
They would. Jews would dance to it.

237
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,559
If it went hard enough.

238
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,061
You know? We'll dance like this.

239
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,858
[laughs] But we'll still dance to it.

240
00:12:56,859 --> 00:13:00,695
[laughs] People are like, "Kanye's crazy."

241
00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:03,532
I'm like, "Yeah, I know he's crazy.
He's a high-level artist."

242
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,700
They're all crazy.

243
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,869
The high, high-level guys,
the generational guys,

244
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,955
they're not like us, they're lunatics,
and that's how they're-- But it--

245
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:13,751
They're better than--
I'm a low-level artist, and I'm weird.

246
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,421
The high-level artists
are all fucking lunatics.

247
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,298
You know? That's always been, by the way.
That's not new.

248
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:22,635
Remember-- Remember, uh--
Remember van Gogh?

249
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,181
You think he was chill to be around?

250
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,354
Bro, he cut his ear off.

251
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:35,814
Made beautiful paintings.

252
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,233
But if you're like,
"Should we invite van Gogh to the party?"

253
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,778
"Do not invite van Gogh
to the party on Saturday!"

254
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,613
"He'll ruin the party."

255
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:45,740
Same thing with Kanye West.

256
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,867
Nothing but bangers for 20 years.

257
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:51,038
If he walked in here right now,
I would evacuate the building.

258
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,291
[chuckles] The highest-level guys
are all crazy.

259
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,586
Like Michael Jackson, you gotta rape!

260
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,392
People're like, "Kanye's sick!"

261
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,104
I'm like, "Yeah, he's a sick fuck.
He likes a quick fuck, I know."

262
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,065
I know all about him. He fucking rules.

263
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,233
[chuckles]

264
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:23,654
He made a fucking gospel album
that's as good as Aretha Franklin's.

265
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,615
You don't get that by being one of us.

266
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:30,118
You know? I'm just telling you.
Next time your fucking local artist

267
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,203
or whatever, anybody you like,
fucking acts up,

268
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,582
just, like, "Sweet.
We're gonna get another <i>Donda."</i>

269
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,835
You don't want a well-behaved artist.
It's not what you're looking for.

270
00:14:38,836 --> 00:14:41,462
You know what you get
when you get a well-behaved artist?

271
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:43,048
Jimmy Fallon.

272
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,013
Nobody gives a shit about Jimmy Fallon.

273
00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:53,099
[chuckles] If he dies,
his gravestone will say,

274
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,102
"Here lies replaceable."

275
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:58,898
[audience cheers]

276
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,734
[chuckles] Yeah.

277
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,570
Kanye's an all-time great, man.
Here's when I finally figured out

278
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,864
how great Kanye was.
Here's when I finally figured it out.

279
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:08,990
I was watching a video,

280
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,451
and it made it clear to me
what a great artist he was.

281
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,287
He was-- He was actually not in the video.

282
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,372
But I was watching, like,
"Oh, if Kanye was in this."

283
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:18,876
I'm like, "Oh,
he might be the best of all time."

284
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,878
It was, uh...
It was a high school football game.

285
00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:24,882
Maybe you've seen this video.
There's a few like it. Small high school.

286
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,634
They put in, for one play only,
they put in a new player.

287
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:30,930
They put in, uh, a kid
with-- with, uh-- with Down's syndrome.

288
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,976
You can fucking feel the tension in here.

289
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,520
[laughs] You can feel everyone,
like, "Come on, man."

290
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:40,481
"Please don't."

291
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:42,982
[laughs]

292
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:45,402
It was like an odd, heavy silence.

293
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,029
Relax, you guys.
I'm gonna be cool about it.

294
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:51,450
Oh, my God. You're like, "Please, come on.
Go back to the heroin stuff."

295
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,619
I liked the video! It made me cry.

296
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,663
I'll be-- Whatever.

297
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,290
Yeah, I'm callous. I'm not that callous.

298
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,334
You ever cry at a video? Yeah, of course.

299
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,544
You can be a man enough to admit it.
It happens.

300
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,090
The right level of tired,
right level of high.

301
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,886
[chuckles] You know? You click on a link,
you just start fucking...

302
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:14,848
just start weeping
in between episodes of <i>Rick and Morty.</i>

303
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:21,647
Yeah. And "Down's syndrome plays
running back" is one of those videos.

304
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:26,068
Yeah, honestly, if you don't cry at that,
you might be a sociopath.

305
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,152
What else? What else gets me to cry?

306
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:30,530
I like-- I like, uh,
"Down's syndrome plays running back."

307
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,031
I like, uh...

308
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,826
Oh, I like, "Soldier comes home
and surprises his dog."

309
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,245
- [audience] Aww!
- Yeah, kills me every time.

310
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:41,500
The dog fucking l--
He's like... [mimics joyful barking]

311
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,462
Fucking, there's not enough wiggle
in his tail to express his joy.

312
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,133
I-- I like that one better

313
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,219
than "Soldier comes home
and surprises his kid."

314
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,347
Yeah. Fuck that kid. That kid sucks.

315
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,891
That kid fucking sucks.
Why are you in this army video?

316
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,437
You've never done a push-up.
Why are you in an army video?

317
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,858
Always the same. The kid's sitting
there in class, everyone's looking at him.

318
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,486
He's like, "Why is everyone staring at me?
What's going on?"

319
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,113
He's got no idea. The back door opens up.

320
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,365
The dad's there in the light.
Full army outfit.

321
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:18,120
You know, medals on his shoulders.
Fucking Arab blood still on his hands.

322
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:19,955
[chuckles]

323
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:25,293
He came directly back
from, like, strangling a Mogadishuan,

324
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,210
or like...

325
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:29,673
[laughs] ...some country
we're not even officially in.

326
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,969
You know? And he's like, "Jackson!"
He's like, "Daddy!"

327
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,056
And I feel nothing.

328
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,769
But I do like "Soldier surprises dog."

329
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:45,647
And I do like, uh,
"Down's syndrome plays running back."

330
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,566
Yeah, and-- Oh! And I like, uh--

331
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,402
You ever see-- You ever see
"Autistic kid plays basketball"?

332
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:54,280
[laughs] That's a good one, bro.
That's a fucking good one.

333
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:57,950
The SM kid keeping scoreboard
the whole year, by heart.

334
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:01,788
And, uh, with like a minute left,
like, "Put in the autistic kid."

335
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:02,872
You know?

336
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:06,085
Open lane, fucking keeps missing.
Nobody's rebounding.

337
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,754
Everyone's like, "Come on, autistic kid!"

338
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,800
And he finally buckets one,
everybody's like, "Yes!"

339
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:15,969
Oh, that feels good.

340
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:20,264
One out of ten of those autistic kids,
they figure out the angle though.

341
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,391
And they go, like,
"That is, like, 39.7 degrees."

342
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:24,144
And he just starts fucking...

343
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,438
Just raining threes.

344
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:28,816
Soon, he's just like...

345
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:45,833
Someone drops their popcorn,
he's like, "146."

346
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,588
And for some reason, I don't know why,
autism never plays football,

347
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:54,800
and Down's syndrome
never plays basketball.

348
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,346
They keep 'em real separate.
I didn't make that rule. That is the rule.

349
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,474
And none of them play baseball.

350
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,228
[laughs] They don't trust
any of those kids with a bat.

351
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,065
It would be the same thing every time.

352
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,400
"Actually..."

353
00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:14,278
[laughs]

354
00:19:20,617 --> 00:19:23,537
But I'm not here to tell you
about "Autistic kid plays basketball."

355
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,291
I'm here to tell you about
"Down's syndrome plays running back."

356
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,003
So they send this kid in, right?

357
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,838
And, uh, everyone in the stands,
in the video,

358
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,383
is like, "Down's syndrome's gonna
play running back!"

359
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,968
I'm at home,
I can feel the burn of a tear coming.

360
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:41,429
"Down's syndrome's gonna
play running back!"

361
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,514
They send this kid in.
Everybody's huddled up.

362
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,433
My first thought,
my very first thought, was,

363
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:49,521
"I bet you
this is gonna be a running play."

364
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:57,446
There's almost no chance
at play-action fake...

365
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,782
[laughs] ...on this next play.

366
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,828
However, it would work.

367
00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:09,416
It would work.

368
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:13,003
Bro, a fake handoff
to a Down's syndrome running back.

369
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,843
That's six points.
That's six points anytime you want it.

370
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,431
You gotta be a gutsy OC to make that call.

371
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,894
You gotta really have faith
in the hands of your receivers

372
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,189
to call a fake handoff
to a Down's syndrome running back.

373
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,565
If they drop that ball, you are fired.

374
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:37,653
You gotta fucking-- You got--
That's gotta go house.

375
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,698
But this was not fake handoff
to a Down's syndrome running back.

376
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:44,617
It was an actual handoff.
Wasn't even a lateral.

377
00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:45,702
Why-- Why chance it?

378
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,330
[laughs]

379
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:50,374
You know? Why toss--

380
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,091
Good old-fashioned handoff.
Quarterback gets it, "hike," and then he...

381
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:03,135
Down's syndrome kid gets it,
and he just fucking goes.

382
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:06,138
Dude, it was so cute. You shoulda seen it.
It was so fucking cute.

383
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:08,015
The determination on his face.

384
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:10,102
The jersey was so fucking big on him.

385
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:11,936
It was down to his ankles.

386
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:14,982
Like a fucking Met Gala ball gown,
it was so big.

387
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:19,236
The helmet fit perfectly.

388
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,494
I mean, the helmet was snug
for sure, if anything.

389
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:29,705
He might've brought it from home.

390
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:35,751
And everyone in the stands like,
"Down's syndrome kid's got the ball!"

391
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,211
I'm at home, a tear comes down,

392
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:39,005
"Down's syndrome kid's got
the fucking ball!"

393
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,256
Two more tears coming.

394
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:41,674
He's at the 50, the 40.

395
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:44,719
Then I realize, and I think everyone
in the stands realizes at the same time,

396
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,265
we just didn't think it out,
we're like, "Oh, fuck. He's gonna score."

397
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,641
And we all kinda looked inside ourselves

398
00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:54,062
and we realized, "I've actually never
wanted anything more in my whole life

399
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,898
than for this Down's syndrome kid
to score a touchdown."

400
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,191
You know? And everyone
in the stands is like,

401
00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:01,403
"Retarded kid is gonna fucking score!"

402
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:06,700
I'm at home,
"Retarded kid is gonna fucking score!"

403
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,701
Everybody's in a good mood.

404
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:11,078
Fucking opposite fans are high-fiving.

405
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:14,373
Everything's good in the world
'cause retarded kid's gonna fucking score!

406
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:15,333
[audience cheers]

407
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,709
He's at the 40, the 30.

408
00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:19,379
Rabbis and priests are high-fiving
and kissing.

409
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:21,005
He's at the 20.

410
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,800
Gaza and Israel are square-dancing
in a corner.

411
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:28,472
There is no evil today
'cause retarded kid's gonna fucking score!

412
00:22:29,389 --> 00:22:30,890
I'm fucking openly weeping.

413
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:34,101
He's at the 20,
the ten, the five, four, three...

414
00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:35,436
If Kanye West was there,

415
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,938
he would tackle that kid.

416
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:42,778
Greatest living American musician.

417
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:46,490
[chuckles]

418
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:50,744
[laughs]

419
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:54,915
Focus on the positive,
is what I'm trying to tell you.

420
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,835
Legitimately, Kanye West's antisemitism
got me into his music.

421
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:02,129
And I'm like, oh shit,
he fucking goes hard.

422
00:23:02,130 --> 00:23:04,757
I never realized how great he was
until I heard he was antisemitic.

423
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:06,927
And I'm like, "Let me check him out."
And it...

424
00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:09,346
There's a reason he's up there.

425
00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:13,099
What other examples can I give you
of focusing on positives?

426
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,308
Oh, here's one from football.

427
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,352
Remember, uh-- Remember Damar Hamlin?

428
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:19,146
- [men in audience speak]
- Yeah. You know who that is?

429
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:20,482
No. Girls don't know him.

430
00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:23,442
He was a player for the Buffalo Bills.

431
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:25,653
You know who the Buffalo Bills are?
It's a sports team.

432
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:27,697
It's named after an animal. Okay.

433
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,159
[laughs] Sorry. Explaining too much.

434
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:35,037
Yeah, he had a heart attack
two years ago, middle of a game.

435
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,373
A full heart attack.
No one'd seen anything like it before.

436
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:39,959
Thought he was gonna die.
He ended up living but they didn't know.

437
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,753
He might have been fully dead
for like a minute and they revived him.

438
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,755
It was wild. No one had seen that before.

439
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:47,174
Everybody was crying.
Everybody on the Bills was crying,

440
00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:49,677
everybody on the other team,
the Bengals, they were all crying.

441
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:50,845
The announcers were crying.

442
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:52,931
Joe Rogan was saying it was the vaccine.

443
00:23:56,685 --> 00:24:00,063
[laughs] Jesus, Joe.
Let him get off the field first.

444
00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:04,066
Fucking calm down.
Every time with that guy.

445
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:06,235
You stub your toe, "Fuck!"
He's like, "You vaccinated?"

446
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,530
I'm like, "I don't know, dude.
Give me a fucking hand!"

447
00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:14,410
Everybody was upset at that game.

448
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:17,037
Except one guy I saw there.
One guy was focused on the positive.

449
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:20,083
And he was in a good mood.
It was Damar Hamlin's backup.

450
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:30,135
[chuckles]

451
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,388
There's so much--
Where the fuck are you going?!

452
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:35,848
It's okay. [laughs]

453
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:37,433
How dare you? Where's he going?

454
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,935
To jerk off to Damar Hamlin?

455
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,938
He's like, "I haven't thought
about that guy dying in so long."

456
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:45,274
"Gets me so hard, I gotta just fucking..."

457
00:24:45,275 --> 00:24:47,402
"I just gotta shoot one out."

458
00:24:50,197 --> 00:24:51,780
That's the biggest racist I've ever seen.

459
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:54,910
Like, "The thought of a dead Black man
gets me so fucking hard."

460
00:24:57,204 --> 00:24:58,455
Possibly too far.

461
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:02,000
Possible-- Possible line.

462
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,254
Too much good shit
in the world is my point.

463
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:10,132
What other positives can we focus on?
Here's one. How about this?

464
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:11,384
School shootings.

465
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,471
Sure. Sure, that's a negative, right?
What's the--

466
00:25:15,472 --> 00:25:18,475
What could possibly be the positive
about school shootings? Here's one.

467
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:20,809
Less carpool traffic tomorrow.

468
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:22,646
[audience exclaims]

469
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,860
Okay, I feel
like there's a disconnect right now.

470
00:25:29,986 --> 00:25:31,320
[laughs]

471
00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:33,406
Guys, I'm not saying worth it.

472
00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:36,910
I'm just saying there <i>is</i> a positive.

473
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,247
Oh, you want school shootings <i>and</i> traffic?

474
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:48,380
Or you wanna be like, "Oh, I can't believe
those kids are dead." Green, green, green.

475
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:54,218
I'm not saying don't mourn.
I'm just saying,

476
00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:57,013
you know, cry at the office
when you get there 20 minutes early.

477
00:26:02,769 --> 00:26:03,645
Guys.

478
00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:05,939
I'm joking.

479
00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:08,023
[laughs]

480
00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:09,608
I hope you understand that.

481
00:26:09,609 --> 00:26:12,278
I know there's some moms in here.
I can see your fucking... [grumbles]

482
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:14,029
It's like-- It's a self-defense mechanism.

483
00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:16,073
You got to let in
the horrors of the world.

484
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,908
You can just use humor to drive it off.

485
00:26:17,909 --> 00:26:19,243
You don't have to face it.

486
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:20,495
You can just ignore it.

487
00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:23,582
Unless you were thinking
of becoming a school shooter.

488
00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:27,794
If you were thinking of becoming
a school shooter, look, I'll-- Don't.

489
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:31,673
For everybody else, ignore it.

490
00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:33,550
[chuckles]

491
00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:36,010
No, this shit bothers me sometimes.

492
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:39,096
It's hard. But, like, guys,
America's a gun country, you know?

493
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:41,515
- [scattered cheers]
- Yeah, it's-- I don't care. I don't care.

494
00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,726
- Don't. I don't-- No.
- [cheering]

495
00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:46,521
I don't vote, I don't give a shit.
I really don't care.

496
00:26:47,147 --> 00:26:50,066
You know? Just don't shoot my dog.
We're fine. That's all I care about.

497
00:26:50,817 --> 00:26:52,359
But we are a gun country.

498
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:55,572
And when you're a gun country,
people are going to get killed.

499
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:58,533
So who better than a child?

500
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:05,165
They don't contribute to the GDP.
Like, at all.

501
00:27:05,707 --> 00:27:06,875
Like, at all.

502
00:27:07,709 --> 00:27:10,127
Zero taxes paid.
Ask your son, he'll tell you.

503
00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:11,129
Zero.

504
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:15,924
No. When adults get shot, that bothers me.

505
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,761
That's us. That's our people.

506
00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:21,473
Those are contributing members of society.

507
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:25,601
Yeah. You lose a 12-year-old?
Have a little grief sex,

508
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:27,187
you're right back where you were.

509
00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:35,403
You know, you lose a 38-year-old,
now who's driving the bus?

510
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:43,285
Again... [chuckles] I'm joking.

511
00:27:43,286 --> 00:27:45,537
[laughs]

512
00:27:45,538 --> 00:27:47,666
Where were you? How was it?
Quick one, right?

513
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:49,667
Mostly head, no shaft.

514
00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:51,378
Fucking went for it, I get it.

515
00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:56,216
Talking about school shootings
since you been gone.

516
00:27:57,384 --> 00:27:58,467
No, they do bother me.

517
00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:00,886
I try to focus on positives,
but you can't help it sometimes.

518
00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:02,596
You get fuckin'-- Hear so much.

519
00:28:02,597 --> 00:28:04,431
Some of these things, like, it's nuts.

520
00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:07,184
Talk to people from other countries,
they don't have school shootings.

521
00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:09,270
They don't have adult shootings. USA!

522
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:11,647
[laughs] Some of 'em gets--

523
00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:14,401
We've had some bad--
Vegas, that was the worst one, right?

524
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:16,695
Las Vegas, 50 people.

525
00:28:17,278 --> 00:28:19,947
Fifty people got killed
at a country music festival.

526
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:21,573
Goddamn! I remember feeling that,

527
00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:24,201
I was like, "What the fuck
happened to this country?"

528
00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:26,203
All my friends came to me,
like, "Ari, can you--"

529
00:28:26,204 --> 00:28:29,332
You know, "You're so positive,
can you help us, like, get through this?"

530
00:28:35,296 --> 00:28:37,048
I don't know. I mean...

531
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:42,137
All right. At least it was country music.

532
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:48,559
Yeah, guys, I'm not saying

533
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,228
people that listen to country
deserve to die. Not at all.

534
00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:53,522
I'm actually saying
I believe less people died

535
00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:55,442
because it was country music.

536
00:28:58,069 --> 00:29:00,154
Yeah, here's why.
I think people who listen to country

537
00:29:00,155 --> 00:29:03,575
have more experience with firearms
than people who do not listen to country.

538
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,911
So they're able to analyze the situation
and get to safety sooner.

539
00:29:07,954 --> 00:29:10,622
You know? Soon as gunfire broke out,
like "Oh, that's semi-automatic."

540
00:29:10,623 --> 00:29:13,084
"My uncle has... one of those."

541
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:16,629
"All right, trajectory-- Come on.
This way, everybody. Hurry, let's go."

542
00:29:18,506 --> 00:29:20,632
Could've been worse, is what I'm saying.
Thank God.

543
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:22,510
Thank God it was not EDM.

544
00:29:25,513 --> 00:29:27,724
All those poor people on molly.

545
00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:29,141
[laughs]

546
00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:31,311
You can't flee when you're on molly.

547
00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:34,731
Just so you know.
Molly's not a running-away drug.

548
00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:36,941
It's a jumping-up-and-down drug.

549
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:41,653
You know, you're having a great time.
"I fucking love this DJ!"

550
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:43,864
You know?
And then your friend's head just explodes.

551
00:29:43,865 --> 00:29:45,950
And you're like, "Whoa!"

552
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:09,181
It's like, "Dude,
we gotta get the fuck outta here!"

553
00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:10,849
"Right now, we gotta run."

554
00:30:10,850 --> 00:30:13,603
"You know what else we gotta do?
We gotta hang out more."

555
00:30:14,270 --> 00:30:16,980
[laughs] "You're so cool.
Why don't we spend more time together?"

556
00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:18,732
"I like you.
You're one of my best friends."

557
00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:20,693
[mimics gunshot] Death. "No!"

558
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:23,279
"I don't know what to do!"

559
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:32,579
"Dude, have you guys heard
this gunfire though?"

560
00:30:32,580 --> 00:30:36,166
"It's like..." [mimics gunfire rhythmically]

561
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:38,086
"Everybody, go towards the gunfire!"

562
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:41,923
[chuckles]

563
00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:45,802
Focus on the positive,
is what I'm trying to tell you.

564
00:30:46,719 --> 00:30:49,346
Stay off the news. Don't get involved.
You know when I learned that?

565
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:51,932
Here's when I learned
to stay off the news.

566
00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:55,687
When it doesn't do you any good.
It was, uh-- It was Gabby Petito.

567
00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:57,479
Remember Gabby Petito?

568
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,316
Yeah, girls know Gabby Petito.
This is your Buffalo Bills.

569
00:31:02,777 --> 00:31:04,111
[laughs]

570
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:06,281
Boys don't really know. Girls do know.

571
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,407
If you don't know who Gabby Petito was--

572
00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:10,075
Well, "was." Well, that's the story.

573
00:31:10,076 --> 00:31:12,662
Uh... [laughs] She, uh--
She's pretty fucking dead.

574
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:16,373
Spoiler alert. The next--

575
00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:18,709
The main character
of this next part is gone.

576
00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:22,629
[sighs] But this is like-- What, it's like
four years ago, something like that?

577
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:25,215
Three or four, five years ago?
She was a pretty young woman,

578
00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:27,134
and she liked two things
in the whole world.

579
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:28,886
She loved hiking

580
00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:32,015
and she loved,
uh, having sex with murderers.

581
00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:36,686
And what a terrible combination of things.

582
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:40,607
It's the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
of death.

583
00:31:41,524 --> 00:31:42,357
Hiking and murderers?

584
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:44,694
There's no better place
to murder than on a hike.

585
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,362
By the way, women in here,
just so you know,

586
00:31:47,363 --> 00:31:51,117
when you go hiking with your boyfriend
or husband, he thinks about it.

587
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:57,539
We-- We don't fully consider doing it.

588
00:31:57,540 --> 00:31:59,541
It's a synapse. We can't help that.

589
00:31:59,542 --> 00:32:01,752
It flashes by. We overrule that thought.

590
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:04,088
We're kind of heroes
when you think about it.

591
00:32:05,548 --> 00:32:06,757
[laughs] You know?

592
00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:08,050
But the thought is--

593
00:32:08,051 --> 00:32:11,136
You're off, just going
like, "What a beautiful view."

594
00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:13,263
And 50-50, it's like, "Oh, no."

595
00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:16,809
"No, no, no. No, no, no, I--
I-- Don't, don't, don't, don't."

596
00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:20,979
And I know women
are like, "We think about it too."

597
00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:23,816
We're like, "Yeah, but... you're feeble."

598
00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:28,237
[laughs] What are you gonna do
with your little twig arms? Nothing.

599
00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:32,157
You know? Guys'll be like,
"Dude, this is a real beautiful view."

600
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:33,159
"I really like--"

601
00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:36,579
"The fuck? What are you doing?"

602
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:40,415
"What are you--
Are you trying to kill me?" [laughs]

603
00:32:40,416 --> 00:32:42,877
"Let's go." [yells]

604
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,301
[chuckles]

605
00:32:51,719 --> 00:32:55,722
Anyway, so,
Gabby Petito was dating this murderer.

606
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:57,599
And you know how murderers be.

607
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,102
They be murderin', so...

608
00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:01,187
she got fucking murdered.

609
00:33:02,438 --> 00:33:04,731
Everybody's reading about it every day.
Everybody's upset.

610
00:33:04,732 --> 00:33:06,024
I didn't read a thing about it

611
00:33:06,025 --> 00:33:08,486
so I didn't let any of it
into my heart, so...

612
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:12,365
I didn't feel any of it, so I was just,
you know, making fun of it on Instagram.

613
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:15,158
My friends got mad at me.

614
00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:17,411
"Ari, it's actually really sad
if you read the articles."

615
00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:19,247
I'm like,
"I didn't read any of the articles."

616
00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:22,582
They're like, "If you read the articles,
you'd be sad too."

617
00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:24,711
I'm like, "Why would you
read the articles?"

618
00:33:25,253 --> 00:33:27,505
She was dead
before you knew she was alive.

619
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:35,388
Like, did you just wanna be sad?

620
00:33:36,889 --> 00:33:39,391
To me, to anybody that didn't read
anything about Gabby Petito,

621
00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:40,600
this was the whole story.

622
00:33:40,601 --> 00:33:42,812
You know how, like,
a lot of people die every day?

623
00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:44,272
Another one.

624
00:33:47,442 --> 00:33:49,985
You could just not get caught up
in any news story,

625
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:51,528
and it's a lot more fun.

626
00:33:51,529 --> 00:33:54,072
It really is.
There's so much good in the world.

627
00:33:54,073 --> 00:33:56,992
Every year, they go, "Can't get worse
than last year." You hear it, right?

628
00:33:56,993 --> 00:33:58,285
"Can't get worse than 2023."

629
00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:00,912
"Can't get worse than 2022."
"Can't get worse than 2008."

630
00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:02,039
It's been going on forever,

631
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:04,333
and it just keeps getting
legitimately better.

632
00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:07,169
You know,
everything's pretty fucking good.

633
00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:10,465
I've been having so much fun.
I've been shoplifting, like, a lot.

634
00:34:12,508 --> 00:34:13,341
Yeah.

635
00:34:13,342 --> 00:34:15,635
You guys steal at all? Anybody here steal?

636
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:17,262
- [scattered cheers]
- A few of you?

637
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:19,181
Nice. Probably some of you don't.

638
00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:21,641
Who here, by round of applause,
who here does not steal?

639
00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:23,226
[cheering]

640
00:34:23,227 --> 00:34:25,103
Cool. Cool.

641
00:34:25,104 --> 00:34:27,190
That's okay. No, I used to be like you.

642
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:30,359
Sucker paying full price for everything.

643
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:33,612
Then I read an--
My friend sent me an article.

644
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:35,405
It changed the way
I thought about the world.

645
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:37,783
You ever read an article,
and as you're reading it, go like,

646
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:39,577
"Are you talking directly to me?"

647
00:34:40,536 --> 00:34:43,830
[laughs] That's not new, by the way.
That's been for a long time.

648
00:34:43,831 --> 00:34:46,542
Remember, uh– Remember manspreading?

649
00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:50,046
Remember 12 years ago
before the #MeToo movement?

650
00:34:51,464 --> 00:34:54,383
When the worst thing facing women
was the way men sat?

651
00:34:55,968 --> 00:34:58,553
[laughs] Yeah, women were like,
"Doesn't get any worse than this."

652
00:34:58,554 --> 00:34:59,972
"We're putting our foot down."

653
00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:02,600
And men were like, "Challenge accepted."

654
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,520
"Harvey, come talk to them."

655
00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:11,525
[chuckles] If you don't know
what manspreading is, this is what it is.

656
00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:15,071
If you're sitting on the-- on the train,
or the bus if you're Latino, and, uh...

657
00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:18,366
[laughs] I don't know.

658
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:22,702
If you sit like this,
that's fine, nobody cares.

659
00:35:22,703 --> 00:35:25,915
If you sit like that,
women are like, "Stop it! I hate it!"

660
00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:29,084
[laughs] You're doing it right now!
She's all scrunched up.

661
00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:30,378
You're all like, "Duh."

662
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,338
She's scrunched, you're--

663
00:35:33,339 --> 00:35:36,217
Just so you-- Guys, just so you know,
women think we're oafs.

664
00:35:37,051 --> 00:35:40,429
Women think we see a chair, we're like,
"Duh, I don't know how to do it."

665
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,933
"I'm such a stupid idiot." [grunts]

666
00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:45,768
[grunts forcefully]

667
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:53,776
Manspreading. What a dumb fucking term.

668
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:57,238
As if it only affects women,
it doesn't also affect men.

669
00:35:57,905 --> 00:35:59,614
Like, you think if I see
two large Dominicans

670
00:35:59,615 --> 00:36:01,659
taking up six seats on the subway...

671
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:05,705
what do you think? "Excuse me, fellas,
if you can tighten up a little bit?"

672
00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:09,417
"I believe that seat belongs to me."

673
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:14,046
[laughs] No, I stand
right next to the lady cowards.

674
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:18,092
All of us too ashamed to say "Excuse me."

675
00:36:19,635 --> 00:36:21,386
Women are like,
"I would never sit like that."

676
00:36:21,387 --> 00:36:24,473
No, in the summer time?
It would clear out the whole subway car.

677
00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:26,600
[laughs]

678
00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:29,437
With your swamp pussy.
Absolutely do not sit like that.

679
00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:32,314
That's a different life experience.

680
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:35,776
That's not apples-to-apples.
That's apples to fucking rancid fish.

681
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,114
But I got the message. I try. I try now.

682
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:44,242
When I sit on public transportation,
I try to like-- you know?

683
00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:46,204
Eagle pose as best I can.

684
00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:50,457
And then I read another article
probably like five years ago, maybe.

685
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,960
It was about, uh--
It was about white privilege.

686
00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:55,087
You guys ever heard of that?

687
00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:57,714
[laughs] Yeah, I had not heard of it.

688
00:36:57,715 --> 00:37:00,009
And I'll be honest with you,
didn't care for it.

689
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:03,596
Not at all. Didn't like what it implied.

690
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:06,389
Implied I didn't work hard
for what I've gotten.

691
00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,058
That's bullshit. I work really hard.

692
00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:11,270
I got to wake up every day
by 6:00 p.m. to do this job.

693
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:16,150
You know? I mostly only do coke
and molly on weekdays.

694
00:37:17,401 --> 00:37:19,611
It's been difficult.
My parents cut me off financially

695
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:21,697
only ten years after college
that they paid for.

696
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:24,950
[laughs] I don't know.

697
00:37:24,951 --> 00:37:27,662
Then you think about it, like,
"All right, maybe I got a little bit."

698
00:37:28,246 --> 00:37:30,205
Maybe I have a little bit
of white privilege.

699
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:34,334
Once I accepted that, once I internalized
that maybe I do have white privilege,

700
00:37:34,335 --> 00:37:35,503
at that point,

701
00:37:36,003 --> 00:37:37,630
I just started stealing.

702
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:45,805
You guys...

703
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,016
just the white people for a second.

704
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:52,853
They're not looking at us.

705
00:37:58,067 --> 00:37:59,735
You gotta read these articles.

706
00:38:01,570 --> 00:38:03,698
Don't fight the message. Read the words.

707
00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:07,368
They're a blueprint to free stuff.

708
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:10,662
The one that got me was,
"Do you know what it's like

709
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:13,665
to go in a store and have every clerk
just staring at your every move?"

710
00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:15,751
And I was like, "No."

711
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:20,047
No, I don't.

712
00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:25,510
Always steal, white people.

713
00:38:25,511 --> 00:38:27,346
I'm surprised more of you don't,
to be honest.

714
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:31,892
You ever use those self-checker things,
where you pay for <i>some of</i> your things?

715
00:38:32,852 --> 00:38:35,229
[laughs] Yeah.
More of you steal than you admit.

716
00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:37,522
It's like... Boop.

717
00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:39,150
Um, I guess...

718
00:38:40,234 --> 00:38:43,279
If it doesn't ring up the first time,
like, "It's not working! I'm taking it."

719
00:38:44,405 --> 00:38:45,530
"I did this three times."

720
00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:47,658
"I'm-- Rule is I'm just gonna put it
on the corner."

721
00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:51,620
It's the thinnest-veiled justification
for shoplifting.

722
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:53,998
Oh, I love those self-checker things.

723
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:56,334
Who do you think invented those?

724
00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:58,044
White people did.

725
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:02,380
Yeah, white people made that
for other white people. Yeah.

726
00:39:02,381 --> 00:39:04,550
It's for us, by us.

727
00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:09,263
That's our FUBU.

728
00:39:10,973 --> 00:39:12,099
That's our FUBU.

729
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:15,186
Enjoy your sweatpants, Black people.

730
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:16,811
[chuckles]

731
00:39:16,812 --> 00:39:18,773
We get free groceries with our FUBU.

732
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:24,612
I stole an entire salmon
from Whole Foods last week.

733
00:39:25,112 --> 00:39:27,697
[laughs] Yeah. Fuck Jeff Bezos.

734
00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:29,492
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

735
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,287
What's he gonna--
Is he gonna shutter his doors?

736
00:39:34,288 --> 00:39:35,748
I don't see that happening.

737
00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,294
Costs too much. You know how much
a wild-caught Atlantic salmon costs?

738
00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:42,838
I also don't.

739
00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:46,424
[chuckles]

740
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:47,550
It was too high a price.

741
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:50,012
I was like, "That's unreasonable.
Now, zero now."

742
00:39:51,138 --> 00:39:53,724
You do this to yourself.
I just took it. Took it.

743
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,769
Eyeballs to tail,
took the whole fucking thing.

744
00:39:57,269 --> 00:39:59,271
The fisherman got paid, doesn't matter.

745
00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:02,857
Took the whole thing. Just-- I just put it
on the bottom shelf of the cart,

746
00:40:02,858 --> 00:40:05,528
you know, the--
the plausible deniability shelf.

747
00:40:06,529 --> 00:40:08,447
[laughs]

748
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,577
Black people, you gotta be white someday.
It rules so fucking hard.

749
00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:15,621
Oh, it's the best.

750
00:40:17,039 --> 00:40:18,748
So, you probably don't know this.

751
00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:20,709
[chuckles] We shop different than you.

752
00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:24,212
So the regular part of the cart,
that's just like, yo, you pay for that.

753
00:40:24,213 --> 00:40:27,715
And then there's this bottom shelf
that, I don't know if you even noticed it.

754
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:30,469
You might have just thought
it was like a stabilizer or something.

755
00:40:31,053 --> 00:40:32,972
No, that's the white tax shelf.

756
00:40:34,140 --> 00:40:36,766
That's where all your free stuff goes.
That's where all your--

757
00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:38,935
your beers and your waters,

758
00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:41,480
and your wild-caught Atlantic salmon.

759
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:46,276
They can't catch you. It's the best.
They can't-- Here-- No.

760
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:47,444
Here's the worst-case--

761
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:49,487
This is absolutely
the worst-case scenario, right?

762
00:40:49,488 --> 00:40:51,448
You got all your paid stuff,
all your free stuff,

763
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,742
and you're fucking-- [laughs]

764
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:56,536
you're leaving, you're taking
your cart out, you're leaving.

765
00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:57,829
Then some clerk, he sees you,

766
00:40:57,830 --> 00:40:59,957
he says something.
Overstepping, by the way.

767
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:04,003
It's not your job.
Nobody trained you in that.

768
00:41:04,670 --> 00:41:06,672
[sighs] Just ring me up. And, uh...

769
00:41:07,756 --> 00:41:08,673
he goes, "Excuse me."

770
00:41:08,674 --> 00:41:10,758
You're like, "Hi. How you doing?
What do you need?"

771
00:41:10,759 --> 00:41:12,010
Like, "What about that stuff?"

772
00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:13,720
"What stuff?" Like, "The bottom shelf."

773
00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:15,555
"What bottom shelf? Oh, fuck, dude."

774
00:41:15,556 --> 00:41:18,224
"I'm so sorry. I forgot.
I forgot about that completely."

775
00:41:18,225 --> 00:41:21,562
"I was thinking about the economy.
I apologize. I was just..."

776
00:41:22,354 --> 00:41:25,733
Yeah, that's the worst-case scenario
if you're white. You break even.

777
00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:32,198
I hope I'm getting through to you guys.

778
00:41:32,990 --> 00:41:35,867
I really do. I know a lot of comedians
come with a message

779
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:37,620
of brotherhood and togetherness.

780
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,163
That's not my jam.

781
00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:42,458
My jam is free jam.

782
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:44,626
[chuckles]

783
00:41:44,627 --> 00:41:46,712
[audience cheers]

784
00:41:50,883 --> 00:41:52,968
If I am, by the way,
let me tell you how to do it.

785
00:41:53,469 --> 00:41:55,345
You gotta start small, work your way up.

786
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:56,513
Okay, you gotta practice.

787
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,557
Don't go right to auto theft
on the way home.

788
00:41:59,225 --> 00:42:00,434
You will get in trouble.

789
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,855
Start small. Like there's no reason
to pay for a banana in this town.

790
00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:11,820
No. White people, do not pay for bananas.

791
00:42:14,114 --> 00:42:15,823
Just get the banana at Starbucks,

792
00:42:15,824 --> 00:42:17,952
you eat it in line at Starbucks,

793
00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:21,120
then at some point, you just go,
"Oh shit." And then just leave.

794
00:42:21,121 --> 00:42:22,373
Just casually leave.

795
00:42:23,624 --> 00:42:25,626
You can run or walk,
doesn't really matter.

796
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,253
They'll see you,
assume you're late for a meeting,

797
00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:30,214
and you probably brought
a banana from home.

798
00:42:31,465 --> 00:42:34,050
Yeah. Let me tell you guys
a stereotype about white people

799
00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:35,386
that you might not know.

800
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:40,182
We all look like the type of person
that brought a banana from home.

801
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:42,643
[chuckles]

802
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:45,104
That's our shit.

803
00:42:46,230 --> 00:42:48,815
If you had a police lineup
with a white guy, a Black guy,

804
00:42:48,816 --> 00:42:50,984
Latino, an Asian,
and a fucking Native American,

805
00:42:50,985 --> 00:42:52,652
"Which one brought the banana from home?"

806
00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:55,739
You're like, "It's-- Obviously,
the white guy did it. What do you mean?"

807
00:42:58,450 --> 00:43:00,910
Let me say this, to be clear.
Black people, honestly,

808
00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:03,247
I hope you get white privilege
someday soon.

809
00:43:04,164 --> 00:43:07,000
Yeah, I don't wanna horde it.
I hope everyone has white privilege.

810
00:43:07,001 --> 00:43:10,754
But until that happens,
man, you make excellent decoys.

811
00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:17,677
If I'm in CVS and three brothers walk in,

812
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:19,430
I'm like, "It's go time!"

813
00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:27,479
I just turned invisible. All right.

814
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:30,481
[laughs] You could be brazen.

815
00:43:30,482 --> 00:43:32,900
You could be like, "I'm stealing!"
Like, "Not right now."

816
00:43:32,901 --> 00:43:34,403
"We got a situation over here."

817
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:37,990
"If they separate, I don't know
what we're gonna do."

818
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:41,576
[laughs]

819
00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:43,661
Next time somebody says,
"You have white privilege,"

820
00:43:43,662 --> 00:43:45,956
go, "Thank you, I appreciate that.
Thank you very much."

821
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:50,710
Focus on the positives,
what I'm trying to tell you.

822
00:43:50,711 --> 00:43:52,420
There's too much good shit in the world.

823
00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,589
Stay off the fucking news.
It's all fucking terrible.

824
00:43:54,590 --> 00:43:58,259
And it's all fucking political too.
Goddamn, I hate that shit so much.

825
00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:01,012
- I don't vote. Where's my news?
- [audience members cheer]

826
00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:04,182
- Yeah, there's a few of us. Probably more.
- [cheering]

827
00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:06,351
Yeah, in Washington, DC,
you're embarrassed about that.

828
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,560
Probably, right? Don't be.

829
00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:10,356
We're the strongest political movement
in the country.

830
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:12,816
We outnumber both sides two-to-one.

831
00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:15,611
We're half the country. Where's our news?

832
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:18,489
Where's the news for the apathetic?

833
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,616
If it was representative,
it'd be six minutes of Democrat,

834
00:44:21,617 --> 00:44:24,912
six minutes of Republican,
and then 41 minutes of memes.

835
00:44:28,248 --> 00:44:29,083
[chuckles]

836
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:32,168
All these news stories
that we briefly cared about.

837
00:44:32,169 --> 00:44:34,545
Do you ever think back
to the last ten years of shit

838
00:44:34,546 --> 00:44:37,340
you once cared about
and now are like, "That's dumb"?

839
00:44:37,341 --> 00:44:40,093
You know? Ukraine. Remember
when you stopped caring about Ukraine?

840
00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:43,013
Fucking goddamn,
that story went on too long.

841
00:44:44,014 --> 00:44:47,142
It's like the show <i>The Walking Dead.</i>
Like, wrap it up, Ukraine.

842
00:44:47,810 --> 00:44:48,936
We've moved on.

843
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:53,064
Ukraine. The fucking Jew tunnels.

844
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:55,400
January 6th. Lizzo's fat-shaming.

845
00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:58,319
Every Karen. Stop Asian Hate.
Remember Stop Asian Hate?

846
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:01,365
Remember when you couldn't kill Asian
people for three months four years ago?

847
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:03,242
[laughs]

848
00:45:03,742 --> 00:45:06,911
Fucking Aurora. Fucking-- I don't know.

849
00:45:06,912 --> 00:45:08,413
All the statues coming down.

850
00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:09,455
Every election.

851
00:45:09,456 --> 00:45:11,624
COVID, everything, it's just like blech.

852
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:12,626
Deal with it.

853
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:14,628
I'm going on a hike.

854
00:45:15,421 --> 00:45:17,630
[scattered cheers and applause]

855
00:45:17,631 --> 00:45:20,049
[laughs]

856
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:22,511
Focus on the positives,
is what I'm trying to tell you.

857
00:45:23,470 --> 00:45:24,888
There's always something good.

858
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:27,974
Can I tell you guys, uh...?

859
00:45:27,975 --> 00:45:31,436
Yeah. You've been a--
You've been a fucking great crowd so far.

860
00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:34,523
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

861
00:45:35,858 --> 00:45:39,068
Time for your grade.
Not every comic does this,

862
00:45:39,069 --> 00:45:41,113
grades the audience
in the middle of a show.

863
00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:44,867
You've been watching me this whole show,
I've been watching you as well.

864
00:45:46,201 --> 00:45:47,202
Here's your grade.

865
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:49,579
You were an A.

866
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:51,205
[audience cheers]

867
00:45:51,206 --> 00:45:53,082
Yeah. Yeah.

868
00:45:53,083 --> 00:45:54,585
Well, hold it.

869
00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:57,212
You were not an A-plus.

870
00:45:58,464 --> 00:46:01,884
Yeah, many of you non-Jews didn't
even realize that was a possibility.

871
00:46:02,676 --> 00:46:06,096
Yeah, there's another grade on top of A
you might not have been aware of.

872
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:08,931
It's A-plus. You could've been an A-plus.

873
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:11,434
There was one moment
where you hiccuped as an audience.

874
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:13,853
I could feel it. Don't know
if you remember, was a while ago.

875
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:16,482
I wanted to turn on you really bad,
but you came back.

876
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:20,611
It was like 30 or 40 minutes ago.
I'll tell you where. It was, uh--

877
00:46:21,153 --> 00:46:24,990
It was right when I switched
from "Down's syndrome" to "retarded."

878
00:46:25,908 --> 00:46:27,326
[laughs] Yeah.

879
00:46:28,285 --> 00:46:30,411
I could feel you guys as an audience.

880
00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:33,332
Just for a second,
you were like, "Ha, ha, ha, oh."

881
00:46:34,374 --> 00:46:35,750
[mock nervous laughs]

882
00:46:35,751 --> 00:46:38,712
No, you came back, you came back.
But it was a moment. There was a moment.

883
00:46:42,132 --> 00:46:43,174
I'm gonna be honest.

884
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:45,469
You gotta stand up
for what you believe in in this world.

885
00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:48,346
And I'm trying to bring "retarded" back.

886
00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:49,639
[audience cheers]

887
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:51,600
Oh? Oh!

888
00:46:52,643 --> 00:46:54,894
Oh, okay. Oh!

889
00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:57,648
Well, maybe you never left,
southeast Washington, DC.

890
00:46:58,816 --> 00:47:01,109
Maybe it's been here in hiding all along.

891
00:47:02,277 --> 00:47:04,988
They took it from us, everybody.
They took it from us.

892
00:47:05,906 --> 00:47:07,241
Unconstitutionally.

893
00:47:08,867 --> 00:47:12,246
It was a casualty of the war
against the N-word and the F-word.

894
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,668
The N-word for Black people
and the F-word for gay people.

895
00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:21,379
And somebody, some Goody Two-shoes,
was like, "Also the R-word."

896
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:22,965
And we're like, "Don't do this."

897
00:47:25,300 --> 00:47:26,927
"Please, please, don't do this."

898
00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:31,932
And we let them take it,
the greatest word in the English language.

899
00:47:33,141 --> 00:47:34,351
Retarded.

900
00:47:37,312 --> 00:47:38,939
The bald eagle of words.

901
00:47:41,441 --> 00:47:43,442
We should've said something.
We didn't say anything.

902
00:47:43,443 --> 00:47:45,403
We should've said something,
should've spoken up.

903
00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,030
We all waited for someone else
to say something. I'm to blame too.

904
00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:49,490
I was also a coward.

905
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,076
I was waiting for someone else
to speak up, and no one did.

906
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:54,288
That's how the Holocaust started,
same way.

907
00:47:56,373 --> 00:47:58,249
Everybody was like,
"Tell 'em you like the Jews."

908
00:47:58,250 --> 00:48:02,337
Like, "You tell 'em you like the Jews.
They seem pretty strong on this."

909
00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:05,381
And we let them take it.

910
00:48:05,382 --> 00:48:08,384
And to be clear, just so you know,
I get it about the N-word and the F-word.

911
00:48:08,385 --> 00:48:10,803
We're not talking about those,
only talking about "retarded."

912
00:48:10,804 --> 00:48:12,305
The N-word and the F-word had to go.

913
00:48:12,306 --> 00:48:14,182
But they're gone now.
They've been arrested.

914
00:48:15,017 --> 00:48:17,059
The N-word and the F-word
are safely behind bars,

915
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:18,687
they're never getting paroled.

916
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:22,274
But "retarded,"
that was a marijuana arrest.

917
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:27,905
We gotta correct these flimsy convictions.

918
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:31,198
We just want to say it to our friends.

919
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,826
It's actually a very positive word,
you know?

920
00:48:33,827 --> 00:48:35,703
Your friend falls?
Like, "Ha, you're retarded."

921
00:48:35,704 --> 00:48:38,415
Like, "I know!" You know.
[mutters jovially]

922
00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:41,417
We just want to say it to our friends.

923
00:48:41,418 --> 00:48:43,587
And also about our enemies as well.

924
00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:48,717
And also about people
with Down's syndrome.

925
00:48:49,468 --> 00:48:51,552
Yeah, I want it all the way back.
No compromise.

926
00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:54,555
It never should have left.
All the way back. All the way back.

927
00:48:54,556 --> 00:48:56,141
Pre-'80s "retarded" rules.

928
00:48:58,226 --> 00:49:00,811
Never shoulda left. Again, I get it
about the N-word and the F-word.

929
00:49:00,812 --> 00:49:03,022
But they're gone.
Nobody's saying the N-word anymore.

930
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,441
You're fucking nuts.

931
00:49:05,567 --> 00:49:08,528
And the F-word, that's only
for text messages to friends.

932
00:49:11,114 --> 00:49:12,074
[chuckles]

933
00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:15,451
You gotta give us "retarded."

934
00:49:15,452 --> 00:49:18,204
And I hope I'm getting through
to you guys, I really do.

935
00:49:18,205 --> 00:49:19,956
I know I have
a lot of messages here today,

936
00:49:19,957 --> 00:49:21,374
but I hope I'm getting through.

937
00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:23,459
I know some of you
are already using "retarded."

938
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,379
You keep going. Feel seen.

939
00:49:27,005 --> 00:49:29,465
Some of you were never gonna
say "retarded," still not going to.

940
00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:31,259
That's fine, you don't have to.
More for us.

941
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:37,348
And still others of you are on the fence,
now you're gonna be emboldened after this

942
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:41,061
to go out and use "retarded."
Let me tell you what you're in store for.

943
00:49:42,312 --> 00:49:43,897
I'm gonna tell you your future.

944
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:47,651
You're gonna be met
with some level of resistance.

945
00:49:49,528 --> 00:49:51,947
Yeah, not everybody's onboard
with this message.

946
00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:54,992
Not everybody out there
was at this rally today.

947
00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:57,786
[laughs]

948
00:49:58,704 --> 00:50:00,831
You're gonna feel some backlash for sure.

949
00:50:01,498 --> 00:50:04,458
You're gonna go out there in Georgetown
to some fucking cool part of town.

950
00:50:04,459 --> 00:50:07,545
You're gonna-- Your bartender's gonna be
a 29-year-old first-year graduate

951
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:09,631
of a sociology degree, with blue hair.

952
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:12,341
[laughs] You know. You know.

953
00:50:12,342 --> 00:50:14,344
You can picture it. Spacers. You know.

954
00:50:16,471 --> 00:50:19,807
You're gonna order a beer, she's gonna
bring you a Truly for no reason at all,

955
00:50:19,808 --> 00:50:22,602
'cause this--
this fucking generation doesn't listen.

956
00:50:23,645 --> 00:50:25,312
Whatever, you're not gonna
make a big stink.

957
00:50:25,313 --> 00:50:27,857
You go get it, your finger's gonna hit it,
spill it, "Aw, fuck!"

958
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:32,070
You pick it up. "I'm fucking retarded."
She's gonna go, "Wha-- What did you say?"

959
00:50:32,696 --> 00:50:35,031
You go, "No, no, you're not retarded.
I'm the retard."

960
00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:36,658
"You're fine. I'm retarded."

961
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,536
She's gonna go, "Stop saying that!"

962
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,333
You're gonna tell her. "We're allowed.
Ari Shaffir said we could."

963
00:50:46,668 --> 00:50:48,377
[scattered cheers]

964
00:50:48,378 --> 00:50:49,336
Yeah.

965
00:50:49,337 --> 00:50:51,715
[audience cheers and applauds]

966
00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:54,009
Well...

967
00:50:54,968 --> 00:50:55,844
Hold on.

968
00:50:57,679 --> 00:51:00,390
'Cause she's gonna say,
"I don't know who the fuck that is."

969
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:04,852
"Who's Ari Shaffir?" [laughs]
You're gonna say, "He's a comedian."

970
00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:07,397
"He's the least successful
of all of his friends."

971
00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:10,441
[laughs]

972
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:12,944
"And he said we could say 'retarded'
as much as we want."

973
00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,404
She says, "Why do you think that's okay?"

974
00:51:15,405 --> 00:51:17,156
You tell her why it's always been okay,

975
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,991
since they first took it away
in grade school.

976
00:51:18,992 --> 00:51:21,452
This is what you tell her.
If she looks away, grab silverware,

977
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:24,205
put it in your pocket,
and you look her right back in the face.

978
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:26,624
Not you, Black people, not you.
But any white person.

979
00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:29,418
Any white person, you take
that silverware, and you tell her this.

980
00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:32,464
This is why it's okay to say "retarded."
The only reason it's ever been.

981
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:34,966
They don't mind.

982
00:51:37,928 --> 00:51:39,637
They don't mind.

983
00:51:39,638 --> 00:51:42,140
We're fighting a fight
for people who don't care.

984
00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:46,227
You gotta ask them. I've asked.
It's been awhile, but I have asked.

985
00:51:46,228 --> 00:51:47,354
They don't mind.

986
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:50,190
I've talked to Black people
about the N-word.

987
00:51:50,774 --> 00:51:51,650
They do mind.

988
00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:57,447
Pretty much 100% of the Black people
I've polled on the subject

989
00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,657
say, "No, not a fan of the word."

990
00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:02,035
"You can stop asking.
I'm not gonna switch up on this."

991
00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:06,247
But ask someone with Down's syndrome
about "retarded," they'll tell you.

992
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:09,417
I have asked. It has been a while,
it was high school, but I did ask.

993
00:52:10,001 --> 00:52:11,002
It still applies.

994
00:52:12,379 --> 00:52:14,964
It was, uh-- It was over a summer.
Two years in high school,

995
00:52:14,965 --> 00:52:17,425
I worked at a special needs camp
in Montgomery County.

996
00:52:18,051 --> 00:52:21,595
And, uh, yeah, all jokes aside,
I don't know if you guys ever met

997
00:52:21,596 --> 00:52:24,306
anybody with Down's syndrome,
but they fucking-- they're the best.

998
00:52:24,307 --> 00:52:26,892
They rule. They're fucking awesome.
Yeah, maybe you have.

999
00:52:26,893 --> 00:52:27,810
[cheering]

1000
00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:29,728
They just like fill your life
with, like, light.

1001
00:52:29,729 --> 00:52:31,981
They're just, like, fun,
they're always in a good mood.

1002
00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:34,358
Eh, well, actually, that's not true,
but like...

1003
00:52:34,359 --> 00:52:36,611
Yeah, that's--
Dude, when they're in a bad mood,

1004
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:39,447
fucking somebody's getting bit.

1005
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:43,284
[laughs] They fight like Bruce Lee.

1006
00:52:43,285 --> 00:52:45,745
They fucking-- Any weapon possible.

1007
00:52:46,830 --> 00:52:49,373
But generally that was at home.
At camp, they were in a good mood.

1008
00:52:49,374 --> 00:52:53,544
And I had my crew, my favorites, you know?
We'd talk about sports, wrestling only.

1009
00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:54,795
Uh...

1010
00:52:54,796 --> 00:52:56,797
Yeah, they'd point out chicks they like

1011
00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:58,674
with big tits.
They were great at that, dude.

1012
00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:01,218
They were great at that.
I'd be writing, they'd be like, "Ari."

1013
00:53:01,219 --> 00:53:04,054
"Not now, I'm doing paperwork."
Like, "Ari!" I'm like, "What?"

1014
00:53:04,055 --> 00:53:06,515
"Yep, you were right to interrupt me.
She does have big tits."

1015
00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:08,642
Congrats, that's a good one.
They woulda loved you.

1016
00:53:08,643 --> 00:53:11,646
They woulda fucking loved you, lady.
They would've fucking loved you.

1017
00:53:14,649 --> 00:53:17,193
And I had my favorites, and I asked
one of 'em once. I asked David.

1018
00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,695
David, uh, Ginsberg, I think his name was.

1019
00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:22,156
I asked him. "David,
everybody's talking about this in school,

1020
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,033
but I haven't heard anybody asking you."

1021
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:26,620
"How do you feel? How do you feel
about the word 'retarded'?"

1022
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:31,917
And he said... [grunts]

1023
00:53:41,843 --> 00:53:42,761
[laughs]

1024
00:53:44,554 --> 00:53:45,639
I'm so--

1025
00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:47,682
[laughs] I'm real--

1026
00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,479
I'm s-- I'm sorry, everybody, I'm really--

1027
00:53:54,189 --> 00:53:55,731
[laughs] I'm really sorry.

1028
00:53:55,732 --> 00:53:57,067
I really-- I'm sorry.

1029
00:53:58,985 --> 00:54:00,194
[crowd cheers]

1030
00:54:00,195 --> 00:54:01,196
I'm sorry.

1031
00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:05,658
I know. I'm sorry.

1032
00:54:05,659 --> 00:54:08,536
I really-- I wish I wasn't like this.
I really do.

1033
00:54:09,371 --> 00:54:11,373
[laughs]

1034
00:54:12,582 --> 00:54:15,125
You ever look ahead in your life,
like five years in the future,

1035
00:54:15,126 --> 00:54:17,002
and looking back on the present?

1036
00:54:17,003 --> 00:54:18,838
Like yourself looking back to right now?

1037
00:54:19,464 --> 00:54:20,799
I'm a Walmart greeter.

1038
00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:24,093
[laughs] Someone's like,
"You used to be a comedian?"

1039
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:27,681
I'm like, "Yeah." Like, "What happened?"
Like, "I flew too close to the sun."

1040
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:34,395
I guess that brings us
to stand-up comedy too.

1041
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:37,356
People get-- That's a weird thing
about focusing on positives.

1042
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:40,234
People say, uh, stand-up is, uh--
You can't say anything anymore.

1043
00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:42,319
You've heard 'em.
Who's been to a comedy show before?

1044
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:45,699
- [cheering]
- Yeah, a lot of you. A lot of you. Nice.

1045
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:49,493
Nice. It's more popular than ever,
and people are like all negative about it.

1046
00:54:49,494 --> 00:54:52,037
"You can't say anything anymore."
Not true. It's more popu--

1047
00:54:52,038 --> 00:54:54,290
Look how big a fucking room I'm playing
on a fucking--

1048
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:57,167
- You know, I've never done this before.
- [cheering]

1049
00:54:57,168 --> 00:54:59,712
It's wild. I shouldn't be able to do this.

1050
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:02,006
It's more popular than ever.
It's in a great place.

1051
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,966
But because it's more popular,

1052
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:07,053
it gets exposed to people
who really shouldn't hear about it.

1053
00:55:08,138 --> 00:55:11,599
And it's a massive source of negativity
to a lot of dorks.

1054
00:55:12,350 --> 00:55:14,185
Our joy is their hatred.

1055
00:55:14,936 --> 00:55:16,770
You know? And they get fucking mad.

1056
00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:19,023
You follow it, right?
They get mad at stand-ups.

1057
00:55:19,024 --> 00:55:19,982
They get mad at jokes.

1058
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:22,193
They got mad--
They got mad at Dave Chappelle.

1059
00:55:22,777 --> 00:55:26,155
Dave Chappelle, one of,
if not the greatest stand-up of all time.

1060
00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:28,450
- [cheering]
- Yeah.

1061
00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,576
They got mad at him.

1062
00:55:30,577 --> 00:55:34,372
And not just for-- not just for telling
the same jokes in three straight specials.

1063
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,382
No, it had nothing to do with that.

1064
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:47,384
It's-- It's 'cause he didn't
handle every subject

1065
00:55:47,385 --> 00:55:49,220
with the proper amount of respect.

1066
00:55:49,804 --> 00:55:52,514
But at this point, now, everybody's been
to at least one show, now.

1067
00:55:52,515 --> 00:55:56,060
And you know respect has nothing to do
with what we're doing here.

1068
00:55:56,061 --> 00:55:59,355
It's not a metric in any way.
What do you want Dave Chappelle to do?

1069
00:55:59,356 --> 00:56:01,775
Come out and be like,
"Hey, you know trans people?"

1070
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:04,194
"They're all right."

1071
00:56:08,114 --> 00:56:09,115
[mic taps]

1072
00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:11,493
[mic continues tapping]

1073
00:56:26,591 --> 00:56:27,675
[chuckles]

1074
00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:33,389
That's another thing, that trans issue.
That's a fucking wild one, huh?

1075
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,848
Everybody's writing about it,

1076
00:56:34,849 --> 00:56:37,977
and literally 18 people
in the whole country actually give a fuck.

1077
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:41,146
And we, the rest of us
have to hear about it.

1078
00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:44,984
"Oh, which bathroom will they use?"
Fuck it, most of them are onies anyway.

1079
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:48,028
A bigger issue with bathrooms
they never write about,

1080
00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:50,531
people fucking using it
and staying in there to use their phone

1081
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:52,367
while there's a fucking line!

1082
00:56:54,411 --> 00:56:58,039
I don't care if you got a dick or a pussy,
go out there to use your fucking phone!

1083
00:57:00,417 --> 00:57:03,086
Fuck, I'm sorry,
I'm getting caught up in the negative now.

1084
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:06,548
I gotta fucking switch.
I gotta switch, I gotta switch.

1085
00:57:07,257 --> 00:57:08,966
What's a positive? Okay. I got it.

1086
00:57:08,967 --> 00:57:11,468
Here's a positive about having to hear
about the "trans issue"

1087
00:57:11,469 --> 00:57:13,763
for the last fucking seven
straight fucking years.

1088
00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:15,848
Here's a positive. Well,

1089
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:18,726
now regular gay people
have to shut the fuck up.

1090
00:57:20,603 --> 00:57:22,981
Yeah, you're not special anymore,
regular gays.

1091
00:57:23,815 --> 00:57:26,025
[in sing-song] Ha, ha, one of us.

1092
00:57:28,194 --> 00:57:30,904
One of us! Remember we were little
and it meant something to be gay?

1093
00:57:30,905 --> 00:57:32,532
Not anymore, homos!

1094
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:34,742
Back of the line!

1095
00:57:36,286 --> 00:57:38,871
You're like...
[sarcastically] "Oh, you're gay? Wow."

1096
00:57:38,872 --> 00:57:41,457
"That must be so hard for you."

1097
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:45,503
"In 2024 in a major metropolis? Wow!"

1098
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:48,547
"Oh, you came out of the closet in 2019?"

1099
00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:51,091
"Wow."
[normally] "No, I've also suffered."

1100
00:57:51,092 --> 00:57:53,970
"I'm a survivor of Lasik eye surgery,
so I get it."

1101
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:56,931
Eat dicks, shut up.

1102
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:03,771
Tra-- They asked me about that trans stuff
in an interview once. I do interviews.

1103
00:58:04,481 --> 00:58:05,522
[chuckles] Yeah.

1104
00:58:05,523 --> 00:58:06,900
I'm a public figure.

1105
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:10,486
[laughs] Yeah. And they asked me about--

1106
00:58:10,487 --> 00:58:12,821
Have you guys ever heard
of the trans swimmer?

1107
00:58:12,822 --> 00:58:14,323
- [audience] Yeah.
- Damn.

1108
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:16,992
I had not heard of the whole thing.
She was like, "How do you feel

1109
00:58:16,993 --> 00:58:20,288
about the trans swimmer?" And I was like--
I thought it was a Russian weapon.

1110
00:58:21,539 --> 00:58:24,458
[laughs] I was like,
"Well, I've been rooting for Ukraine,

1111
00:58:24,459 --> 00:58:26,127
but I guess they're fucked now."

1112
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:29,004
[laughs] She was like,
"I don't think you know what it is."

1113
00:58:29,005 --> 00:58:31,798
I was trying to mansplain. "I think
I know what the trans swimmer is."

1114
00:58:31,799 --> 00:58:34,469
I'm looking it up,
like, "Okay, I was pretty far off."

1115
00:58:35,553 --> 00:58:37,722
If you don't know,
it's not a Russian weapon at all.

1116
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:40,558
It's a trans woman who's a s-- swimmer.

1117
00:58:42,060 --> 00:58:44,144
Yeah, the story is, there's a trans woman.

1118
00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:47,064
She's, uh, at a university
somewhere in America.

1119
00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:48,315
It's not here, I don't think.

1120
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:50,609
And she was swimming on the swim team.

1121
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:52,111
And that-- that's the story.

1122
00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:54,530
Yeah. She was doing well.

1123
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:56,616
That part's-- I don't think
that part is the story.

1124
00:58:57,116 --> 00:58:59,826
I don't think anybody was like,
"What? She's crushing it?"

1125
00:58:59,827 --> 00:59:04,122
I feel like she's doing quite well.
I guess people are pretty upset about it.

1126
00:59:04,123 --> 00:59:06,917
And this interviewer asked me.
What a fucking trap question

1127
00:59:06,918 --> 00:59:08,253
to ask a comedian.

1128
00:59:09,254 --> 00:59:11,714
I'm not trans,
I don't swim, I'm not in college.

1129
00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:14,049
Ask me about something comedy-related.

1130
00:59:14,050 --> 00:59:15,969
Ask me what fucking
Joe Rogan's nuts smell like.

1131
00:59:17,595 --> 00:59:18,513
[laughs]

1132
00:59:19,013 --> 00:59:20,265
Solid gold!

1133
00:59:22,141 --> 00:59:23,225
She asked about the trans--

1134
00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:25,686
And I-- I saw a trap when I saw one.
I recognized it.

1135
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:27,688
I was like, "I feel
the same way everybody feels."

1136
00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:30,692
She goes, "No, people are--
people are pretty split on this."

1137
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:32,527
I go, "I disagree."

1138
00:59:35,029 --> 00:59:37,030
She's like, "How could you disagree
with that part?"

1139
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:39,032
'Cause I've been in this country
a long time,

1140
00:59:39,033 --> 00:59:41,868
and I'm just telling you for a fact,
nobody cares

1141
00:59:41,869 --> 00:59:43,705
about women's college swimming."

1142
00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:51,878
This is a fake story with fake anger
from being on the news too much.

1143
00:59:51,879 --> 00:59:52,838
Swimming?

1144
00:59:52,839 --> 00:59:56,259
Do you know how many steps removed I am
from caring about female amateur aquatics?

1145
00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,971
Bro, I don't follow soccer,
the number one sport in the world.

1146
01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:03,516
Swimming?! Shut the fuck up.

1147
01:00:04,309 --> 01:00:05,809
People are like, "But she's cheating!"

1148
01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:08,146
Oh, well, you should see me
do my taxes then.

1149
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:11,691
You're gonna be very perturbed.

1150
01:00:13,568 --> 01:00:16,445
[chuckles] And people who care,
ask them. They're like,

1151
01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:18,655
"But she's breaking records."
That's what they all say.

1152
01:00:18,656 --> 01:00:20,824
Tell them this
next time anybody tells you that.

1153
01:00:20,825 --> 01:00:22,910
"They're breaking records."
Like, okay, tell me then.

1154
01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:24,746
What was the old record?

1155
01:00:26,581 --> 01:00:28,582
What was the old record you hold so dear

1156
01:00:28,583 --> 01:00:31,002
in the women's 200-meter dumb-fuck stroke?

1157
01:00:33,338 --> 01:00:35,048
It's not a real sport, everybody.

1158
01:00:35,632 --> 01:00:37,466
I watch ESPN all day and all night.

1159
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:40,386
They've never showed college swimming,
boys or girls.

1160
01:00:41,179 --> 01:00:43,890
They show--
They have cornhole championships on ESPN.

1161
01:00:44,515 --> 01:00:47,143
That's more of a sport
than fucking amateur swimming.

1162
01:00:48,269 --> 01:00:51,022
Darts, bowling,
the spelling bee is on ESPN!

1163
01:00:52,148 --> 01:00:54,817
A sport made entirely
of Indian 12-year-olds.

1164
01:00:57,695 --> 01:01:00,656
And honestly, maybe some of you
in here have been upset about it.

1165
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,158
You know, look inwards.

1166
01:01:02,867 --> 01:01:04,493
If that made you mad, look inwards,

1167
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:06,996
and go, "I should probably
be hiking more often."

1168
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:10,707
Fucking close the laptop and get outside.

1169
01:01:10,708 --> 01:01:12,501
I'm not saying
it doesn't matter to anybody,

1170
01:01:12,502 --> 01:01:15,213
but if it matters to <i>you,</i>
you should be embarrassed of yourself.

1171
01:01:15,963 --> 01:01:18,799
Swimming. It's not even
a fucking real sport, you guys.

1172
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:21,218
Here's the whole sport of swimming,
in case you didn't know.

1173
01:01:21,219 --> 01:01:22,135
Which you don't,

1174
01:01:22,136 --> 01:01:25,138
'cause none of you have ever watched it.
Here's the whole sport of swimming.

1175
01:01:25,139 --> 01:01:27,891
Can you swim fast?
"Yeah, I can swim really fast."

1176
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:31,854
Like, great. Can you do that, um,
not the best way?

1177
01:01:37,485 --> 01:01:40,863
"What do you mean? I was just gonna swim
like that. Like, no? That's the best way."

1178
01:01:42,031 --> 01:01:43,323
"You don't want me to swim fast?"

1179
01:01:43,324 --> 01:01:45,910
No, swim as fast as you can.
But dumb. Do it dumb.

1180
01:01:48,079 --> 01:01:50,623
As fast as you can,
but like you're drowning the whole time.

1181
01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:52,542
[chuckles]

1182
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:55,878
[grunts]

1183
01:01:56,462 --> 01:01:57,587
[grunts]

1184
01:01:57,588 --> 01:01:58,756
[laughs]

1185
01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:03,010
And you're mad this one chick
is dominating these dickless bitches?

1186
01:02:04,178 --> 01:02:06,638
[laughs] Who fucking cares, everybody?

1187
01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:07,556
[woman] Yeah!

1188
01:02:07,557 --> 01:02:09,933
It's crazy for the news to ask me that.

1189
01:02:09,934 --> 01:02:11,476
That's fucking nuts.

1190
01:02:11,477 --> 01:02:14,104
Guys, when I have--
When I sometimes I go out for spicy food,

1191
01:02:14,105 --> 01:02:16,314
and after I do,
when I take a dump the next day,

1192
01:02:16,315 --> 01:02:18,734
I'll bleed. I'll bleed while I dump.

1193
01:02:18,735 --> 01:02:22,696
Yeah. Sometimes just a few drops,
you know? And then sometimes it's a lot.

1194
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:24,865
And I keep wiping,
and it keeps coming and coming.

1195
01:02:24,866 --> 01:02:25,991
Sometimes, one, it's over.

1196
01:02:25,992 --> 01:02:28,410
But sometimes, it keeps coming and coming.
It won't stop.

1197
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:31,830
And it just won't stop,
and so I have to get on with my day.

1198
01:02:31,831 --> 01:02:34,207
So I have to take a wad of toilet paper,
and I bunch it up,

1199
01:02:34,208 --> 01:02:36,710
and I shove it up there like a cork.

1200
01:02:36,711 --> 01:02:39,629
I cork up my asshole
so it soaks it up in there,

1201
01:02:39,630 --> 01:02:40,964
and then eventually stops it.

1202
01:02:40,965 --> 01:02:43,134
And my friends call it a man-pon.

1203
01:02:44,677 --> 01:02:45,594
We shove it up there.

1204
01:02:45,595 --> 01:02:48,180
And then I'll walk around with it
until the bleeding stops.

1205
01:02:48,181 --> 01:02:50,140
Yeah, otherwise,
it'll bleed into my underwear,

1206
01:02:50,141 --> 01:02:51,850
through my underwear and through my pants,

1207
01:02:51,851 --> 01:02:54,770
which happened once at jury duty.
It was very embarrassing.

1208
01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:58,106
Having a bloody fucking asshole
in fucking jury duty.

1209
01:02:58,107 --> 01:02:59,149
So I have this man-pon.

1210
01:02:59,150 --> 01:03:01,568
I'll just walk around.
I don't know when it stops bleeding.

1211
01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:04,654
Sometimes, it gets dislodged on its own
through my movements through the day.

1212
01:03:04,655 --> 01:03:08,700
It gets dislodged, and it'll work its way
down my jeans, and come out.

1213
01:03:08,701 --> 01:03:10,495
I had it lying around my apartment before.

1214
01:03:12,038 --> 01:03:13,038
And I have people see it.

1215
01:03:13,039 --> 01:03:17,250
"Is that a fucking wadded up piece
of bloody toilet paper on your floor?"

1216
01:03:17,251 --> 01:03:19,796
I go, "Yeah, it is.
It's very embarrassing."

1217
01:03:20,838 --> 01:03:24,342
And journalists ask my opinion
on world events.

1218
01:03:28,387 --> 01:03:30,515
Stop reading the news.

1219
01:03:34,519 --> 01:03:36,394
Here's the deal
with the trans swimmer, guys.

1220
01:03:36,395 --> 01:03:38,688
Sports evolve.
I don't know what to tell you.

1221
01:03:38,689 --> 01:03:41,191
It's stupid, but like--
It's not comfortable, but it happens.

1222
01:03:41,192 --> 01:03:43,777
Everyone's mad. They're like,
"They were in last place last year,

1223
01:03:43,778 --> 01:03:45,946
then they got a trans,
and now they're in first place?"

1224
01:03:45,947 --> 01:03:47,490
Oh, I wonder what they did?

1225
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:50,493
Get a trans!

1226
01:03:52,745 --> 01:03:54,330
That's not the only one!

1227
01:03:55,248 --> 01:03:57,375
I live in New York. There's a lot of 'em!

1228
01:03:59,669 --> 01:04:01,878
Find one. Go to one
of the trans academies, or whate--

1229
01:04:01,879 --> 01:04:04,339
I don't know how to put it.
I don't know where they come from.

1230
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:07,175
Wherever they are.
But like, find where they are.

1231
01:04:07,176 --> 01:04:09,344
Start shoving 'em into a lake
until one of them floats,

1232
01:04:09,345 --> 01:04:11,389
and then give her a fucking scholarship.

1233
01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:16,227
Maybe I don't understand the whole issue.

1234
01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:21,314
Guys, these "focus on positives"
I've been telling you,

1235
01:04:21,315 --> 01:04:23,024
I've been-- they've been joke ones, right?

1236
01:04:23,025 --> 01:04:26,069
But I legitimately do it all the time.
You can train yourself to do it.

1237
01:04:26,070 --> 01:04:29,239
Somebody comes in, "This guy sucks."
I'm like, "Look at his pants. Cool pants."

1238
01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:31,074
Just shift the subject away.

1239
01:04:31,075 --> 01:04:33,410
They talk about politics, just be--
I dunno, find something

1240
01:04:33,411 --> 01:04:36,288
or anything, you know?
You can be one of two people on a date.

1241
01:04:36,289 --> 01:04:38,665
You could be, "They sat me
too close to the bathroom."

1242
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:42,377
Or you could be like, "Ooh, they have
real cheese nachos!" [laughs] You know?

1243
01:04:42,378 --> 01:04:44,296
Which one do you want to be
in that situation?

1244
01:04:44,297 --> 01:04:47,091
You can do it for real.
Politics is a good example.

1245
01:04:47,675 --> 01:04:50,760
I know people-- I have a relative
that fucking <i>hates</i> Donald Trump.

1246
01:04:50,761 --> 01:04:53,681
Like, she hates him so much she loves him.

1247
01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:56,516
You know people like that?
He's the first person

1248
01:04:56,517 --> 01:04:58,227
she thinks about in the morning.

1249
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:01,062
She wakes up like,
"What did he say today?"

1250
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:04,941
Gets on there. And people like--
If I say there's a positive in everything,

1251
01:05:04,942 --> 01:05:06,776
she's like,
"There's no positive about Trump."

1252
01:05:06,777 --> 01:05:09,279
Say you hate Donald Trump.
What could be the positive there?

1253
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:11,698
Well, legitimately,
he brought women together

1254
01:05:11,699 --> 01:05:14,201
in a way I've never seen
before in my lifetime.

1255
01:05:15,745 --> 01:05:16,661
Before Donald Trump,

1256
01:05:16,662 --> 01:05:19,749
women were the backstabbiest cunts
in the world to each other.

1257
01:05:20,249 --> 01:05:23,001
And now, they're like, "You go, girl."
Like, "No, you go, girl!"

1258
01:05:23,002 --> 01:05:24,795
And they all went to Taylor Swift.

1259
01:05:27,173 --> 01:05:29,424
I guess that--
that'll bring us to the last--

1260
01:05:29,425 --> 01:05:32,010
The final test
of focusing on positive for me.

1261
01:05:32,011 --> 01:05:33,345
Was-- Was my grandfather.

1262
01:05:33,346 --> 01:05:37,682
My grandfather Ira, he's a--
he's a Holocaust survivor. Yeah.

1263
01:05:37,683 --> 01:05:40,810
He was, uh,
in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.

1264
01:05:40,811 --> 01:05:42,437
They got liberated by the Russian army.

1265
01:05:42,438 --> 01:05:44,315
Russians were good guys
for like eight minutes.

1266
01:05:45,191 --> 01:05:47,360
[laughs]

1267
01:05:48,402 --> 01:05:50,779
And, uh, he's gonna be 103 next year.

1268
01:05:50,780 --> 01:05:52,198
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.

1269
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:58,703
And, uh, my thought was,
like a concentration camp,

1270
01:05:58,704 --> 01:06:01,456
that's one of the most horrific,
like, experiences in life.

1271
01:06:01,457 --> 01:06:03,500
And I was like,
if I could find a positive in that,

1272
01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:05,627
I could for sure find
a positive in anything.

1273
01:06:05,628 --> 01:06:06,711
So I wanted to know--

1274
01:06:06,712 --> 01:06:09,089
I didn't know how to say it,
but I wanted to know if, like--

1275
01:06:09,090 --> 01:06:12,759
if, like, there were any, like,
you know, like, good days

1276
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:14,844
- in the-- in the Bergen-Belsen--
- [woman laughs]

1277
01:06:14,845 --> 01:06:17,430
...uh, concentration camp.
All right, all right, all right.

1278
01:06:17,431 --> 01:06:19,058
[laughs] Yeah, all right.

1279
01:06:19,600 --> 01:06:21,310
No-- All right. Shut up, shut up.

1280
01:06:22,103 --> 01:06:23,687
'Cause-- Fuck, whatever.

1281
01:06:23,688 --> 01:06:26,607
'Cause my thought process was
they're not all equal days.

1282
01:06:27,483 --> 01:06:29,901
There had to be
better and worse days, you know?

1283
01:06:29,902 --> 01:06:33,823
Like, if one day was like 59 and raining,
and the next day was like 71 and sunny.

1284
01:06:37,493 --> 01:06:39,202
I know
they're all concentration camp days,

1285
01:06:39,203 --> 01:06:41,872
but one day is a better day
than the other day.

1286
01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,001
Guys, I don't know.

1287
01:06:45,668 --> 01:06:48,294
You ask.
That's how you find out about life.

1288
01:06:48,295 --> 01:06:51,006
So there had to be a better and worse day.
Whatever! So anyway,

1289
01:06:51,007 --> 01:06:53,299
so I asked him. I was like, "Zeyde..."

1290
01:06:53,300 --> 01:06:55,260
That's how you say "grandfather"
in-- in Yiddish.

1291
01:06:55,261 --> 01:06:58,221
I was like, "Zeyde..." I didn't know
how to say it, so I just said it.

1292
01:06:58,222 --> 01:07:02,308
I was like, "Zeyde, were there any--"
[sighs] "Were there any good days

1293
01:07:02,309 --> 01:07:04,603
in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp?"

1294
01:07:06,564 --> 01:07:07,982
And he-- he goes...

1295
01:07:09,608 --> 01:07:11,235
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

1296
01:07:18,284 --> 01:07:21,871
"I mean, you were already
a disappointment. But now-- Like, what?"

1297
01:07:22,371 --> 01:07:25,374
"Did you just ask me
if the Holocaust was a good time?"

1298
01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:30,211
And I'm like, "Shit, sorry.
All right, I don't know. Sorry."

1299
01:07:30,212 --> 01:07:32,964
"I'm doing this thing where I work
on positivity. No? I'm sorry."

1300
01:07:32,965 --> 01:07:36,177
"My bad, all right, all right.
No? 59 and raining, 71, sunny?"

1301
01:07:37,344 --> 01:07:38,721
"No? All right."

1302
01:07:39,638 --> 01:07:41,931
And he goes, "Oh, okay.
I see-- I see what you're doing."

1303
01:07:41,932 --> 01:07:43,225
"I get it. Well..."

1304
01:07:44,226 --> 01:07:46,895
He goes, "All right, maybe
at the very end, there was one good day."

1305
01:07:46,896 --> 01:07:49,648
And I go, "Oh, r-- Well, yeah.
When you got liberated."

1306
01:07:50,191 --> 01:07:51,567
And he goes, "Oh!"

1307
01:07:52,318 --> 01:07:53,944
"Okay, no, two good days then."

1308
01:07:54,487 --> 01:07:57,113
[laughs] And I was like,
"What was the other good day?"

1309
01:07:57,114 --> 01:08:00,200
And he goes, "All right, well,
we had this guy in there with us,

1310
01:08:00,201 --> 01:08:02,453
named, uh-- named Feidelberg."

1311
01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:06,039
"Yoni Feidelberg."
And I was like, "Who was he?"

1312
01:08:06,040 --> 01:08:08,292
He goes, "He sucked."

1313
01:08:14,131 --> 01:08:15,257
[chuckles]

1314
01:08:17,593 --> 01:08:18,469
[laughs]

1315
01:08:19,261 --> 01:08:22,765
And I was like, "Zeyde, even for me,
this is wild, what you just said."

1316
01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:26,309
He goes, "Ari, he didn't deserve
to be in there. None of us deserved to."

1317
01:08:26,310 --> 01:08:27,811
"Doesn't mean he didn't suck."

1318
01:08:27,812 --> 01:08:31,106
[laughs] I was like, "What?"
And he broke it down for me.

1319
01:08:31,107 --> 01:08:34,318
He was like, "Ari, in every social circle,
there's jocks and there's nerds."

1320
01:08:35,027 --> 01:08:37,028
"Grade school, high school,
college, and work life,

1321
01:08:37,029 --> 01:08:38,947
there's always popular kids
and unpopular kids."

1322
01:08:38,948 --> 01:08:41,992
"And the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp
was no different."

1323
01:08:43,119 --> 01:08:44,953
"We had very charismatic people in there,

1324
01:08:44,954 --> 01:08:46,538
we had scholars, we had professors,

1325
01:08:46,539 --> 01:08:48,498
we had very funny people,
intelligent people."

1326
01:08:48,499 --> 01:08:50,417
"And then we had Yoni Feidelberg."

1327
01:08:51,043 --> 01:08:52,086
"He sucked!"

1328
01:08:52,837 --> 01:08:54,295
I was like, "What sucked about him?"

1329
01:08:54,296 --> 01:08:57,550
He goes, "The guy was annoying!
He was a close talker, I remember that."

1330
01:08:58,217 --> 01:09:00,051
Nobody likes that, that's not new.

1331
01:09:00,052 --> 01:09:02,512
"He was always right here talking,
you know those people."

1332
01:09:02,513 --> 01:09:05,516
"Take a step back
and he'd slowly come forward."

1333
01:09:06,100 --> 01:09:07,433
"And he had this horrible breath."

1334
01:09:07,434 --> 01:09:10,353
"I remember that. He had this horrible--
this anorexic breath."

1335
01:09:10,354 --> 01:09:12,439
[audience groans]

1336
01:09:13,440 --> 01:09:14,942
[laughs]

1337
01:09:16,360 --> 01:09:19,572
He goes, "We all had it!
But we knew enough to take a step back."

1338
01:09:20,072 --> 01:09:22,908
"Not Feidelberg, he's always blowing
lactic acid right in your mouth."

1339
01:09:23,909 --> 01:09:26,286
"And the worst stories.
Always try to one-up people's stories,

1340
01:09:26,287 --> 01:09:28,329
but he had worse stories.
He was a one-underer."

1341
01:09:28,330 --> 01:09:29,748
"Worst kind of one-upper."

1342
01:09:30,249 --> 01:09:33,459
"I remember this one guy from Poland,
he was talking about before the Holocaust,

1343
01:09:33,460 --> 01:09:35,211
he goes, 'I won the lottery.' Wow."

1344
01:09:35,212 --> 01:09:38,214
"He goes, 'Yeah, I won 10,000 rubles
in a lottery.' That's so cool."

1345
01:09:38,215 --> 01:09:40,508
"And Feidelberg was like,
'I found a dollar once.'"

1346
01:09:40,509 --> 01:09:43,179
"And we were like, 'Shut up, Feidelberg!'"

1347
01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:46,557
"'No one's even talking
to you, shit-breath!'"

1348
01:09:50,394 --> 01:09:54,273
"He just sucked!
He made the Holocaust worse."

1349
01:09:59,403 --> 01:10:01,863
And I was like, "Zeyde, what was--
what was the good day?"

1350
01:10:01,864 --> 01:10:04,867
He goes, "Sorry, sorry. I haven't thought
about that guy in so long."

1351
01:10:05,451 --> 01:10:07,535
"All right, so one day
I was out doing my chores."

1352
01:10:07,536 --> 01:10:10,830
"The Nazis would give me these, like,
these work duties, these tasks to do."

1353
01:10:10,831 --> 01:10:13,917
"I think that day I was out,
like, digging a mass grave."

1354
01:10:13,918 --> 01:10:15,793
[audience exclaims and groans]

1355
01:10:15,794 --> 01:10:16,962
Ah, look it up.

1356
01:10:18,881 --> 01:10:21,633
And he goes, "I got back to the barracks,
and everybody was smiling,

1357
01:10:21,634 --> 01:10:23,468
in a good mood.
I said, 'What's going on?'"

1358
01:10:23,469 --> 01:10:26,095
"'Cause we were hearing rumors
that Russian army was advancing."

1359
01:10:26,096 --> 01:10:29,057
"The Nazis were worried about it.
They'd whisper about it, we'd hear them."

1360
01:10:29,058 --> 01:10:31,976
"'What's happening? Are the Russians
coming? We getting out of here?'"

1361
01:10:31,977 --> 01:10:36,023
"And they were like, 'No, we're not.
No, we're never gonna get out of here.'"

1362
01:10:36,774 --> 01:10:39,692
"I was like, 'What's going on then?'"
He goes, "There's this one older Jew."

1363
01:10:39,693 --> 01:10:43,655
"He was all broken down and, like, feeble
and he slowly stood up off his bunk."

1364
01:10:43,656 --> 01:10:44,949
"And he goes, 'Today...

1365
01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:47,034
while you were gone,

1366
01:10:48,285 --> 01:10:50,579
they gassed up Feidelberg.'"

1367
01:10:52,748 --> 01:10:57,710
"And we all just started
jumping and-- and dancing and singing..."

1368
01:10:57,711 --> 01:11:01,172
<i>♪ Hava nagila ♪</i>

1369
01:11:01,173 --> 01:11:03,883
"It was something! The Nazis were like,
'You keep it down in there!'"

1370
01:11:03,884 --> 01:11:05,761
"But we couldn't.
We couldn't be silenced."

1371
01:11:06,470 --> 01:11:08,138
"We were free men that day."

1372
01:11:10,099 --> 01:11:12,684
"People were high-fiving.
Some people were too weak to high-five."

1373
01:11:12,685 --> 01:11:14,353
"We'd lift their arm for them."

1374
01:11:15,396 --> 01:11:18,023
"We'd give them
one last fucking celebration."

1375
01:11:21,193 --> 01:11:22,569
All right, well...

1376
01:11:23,946 --> 01:11:26,031
[chuckles] That is a, uh--

1377
01:11:27,449 --> 01:11:28,742
That is a room divider.

1378
01:11:29,910 --> 01:11:30,952
[chuckles]

1379
01:11:30,953 --> 01:11:32,204
Yeah, not everybody--

1380
01:11:32,913 --> 01:11:34,665
not everybody's onboard with that.

1381
01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:38,294
Some of you liked it.
Some, probably for the wrong reasons.

1382
01:11:39,420 --> 01:11:40,545
[chuckles]

1383
01:11:40,546 --> 01:11:42,714
And still others of you were--
pretty much hated it.

1384
01:11:42,715 --> 01:11:45,092
I could see your aggressive frowns
coming at me.

1385
01:11:45,592 --> 01:11:48,261
And just so you know,
this is my advice if you hated that joke,

1386
01:11:48,262 --> 01:11:49,263
or any other one,

1387
01:11:49,763 --> 01:11:50,930
I would say,

1388
01:11:50,931 --> 01:11:52,641
focus on the jokes you did like.

1389
01:11:53,350 --> 01:11:55,019
You know, focus on the positives.

1390
01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:58,104
Don't leave here,
going "How was the Ari Shaffir show?"

1391
01:11:58,105 --> 01:12:00,566
"Well, that one joke, I hated!"
Don't leave with that.

1392
01:12:01,066 --> 01:12:03,401
You know? Don't be like,
"LeBron didn't win a lot of years."

1393
01:12:03,402 --> 01:12:04,695
Don't be that guy.

1394
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,576
And also, this is my final thing I'll say
if you really hated that joke,

1395
01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:13,328
just so you know,
it's not me you're mad at.

1396
01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:16,707
It's my Holocaust-survivor grandfather
that you hate.

1397
01:12:17,291 --> 01:12:18,458
[laughs]

1398
01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:21,127
Washington, DC,
you guys have been absolutely great!

1399
01:12:21,128 --> 01:12:22,337
[cheering]

1400
01:12:22,338 --> 01:12:24,423
Thank you very much, everybody.

1401
01:12:25,049 --> 01:12:25,882
[laughs]

1402
01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:27,509
Way to hold it together.

1403
01:12:28,218 --> 01:12:29,927
This was a real joy for me, everybody.

1404
01:12:29,928 --> 01:12:31,180
Thank you very much.

1405
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:35,141
You guys fucking rule.
It was great to do this back at home.

1406
01:12:35,142 --> 01:12:38,187
["Dream Catcher" by the Pinc Louds plays]

1407
01:12:39,229 --> 01:12:41,147
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1408
01:12:41,148 --> 01:12:43,107
<i>♪ Dream catcher ♪</i>

1409
01:12:43,108 --> 01:12:49,030
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1410
01:12:49,031 --> 01:12:51,032
<i>♪ Dream catcher ♪</i>

1411
01:12:51,033 --> 01:12:54,035
<i>♪ Saw you giving signals from the plate ♪</i>

1412
01:12:54,036 --> 01:12:57,914
<i>♪ Movement of your fingers
Made me tingle, made me shake ♪</i>

1413
01:12:57,915 --> 01:13:01,959
<i>♪ Sunday shining through your eyes ♪</i>

1414
01:13:01,960 --> 01:13:05,171
<i>♪ Caught my little heart
Between your thighs ♪</i>

1415
01:13:05,172 --> 01:13:06,923
<i>♪ Right then I knew you were my ♪</i>

1416
01:13:06,924 --> 01:13:09,175
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1417
01:13:09,176 --> 01:13:11,677
<i>♪ Right then I knew you were my dream ♪</i>

1418
01:13:11,678 --> 01:13:14,972
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream catcher ♪</i>

1419
01:13:14,973 --> 01:13:18,768
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1420
01:13:18,769 --> 01:13:20,812
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1421
01:13:20,813 --> 01:13:22,980
<i>♪ Dream catcher ♪</i>

1422
01:13:22,981 --> 01:13:25,942
<i>♪ Oh how I stalked your hips ♪</i>

1423
01:13:25,943 --> 01:13:30,029
<i>♪ Mustard running down, I licked my lips ♪</i>

1424
01:13:30,030 --> 01:13:31,531
<i>♪ Foul ball in the air ♪</i>

1425
01:13:31,532 --> 01:13:33,282
<i>♪ You jumped into the crowd ♪</i>

1426
01:13:33,283 --> 01:13:35,159
<i>♪ And as the umpire yelled "You're out" ♪</i>

1427
01:13:35,160 --> 01:13:37,286
<i>♪ I said "I've never felt so proud" ♪</i>

1428
01:13:37,287 --> 01:13:39,038
<i>♪ 'Cause you're my one and only ♪</i>

1429
01:13:39,039 --> 01:13:41,290
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1430
01:13:41,291 --> 01:13:43,584
<i>♪ Yes, you're my one and only dream ♪</i>

1431
01:13:43,585 --> 01:13:47,089
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream catcher ♪</i>

1432
01:13:54,096 --> 01:14:01,228
<i>♪ Catcher ♪</i>

1433
01:14:11,155 --> 01:14:15,491
<i>♪ When darkness creeps into my brain ♪</i>

1434
01:14:15,492 --> 01:14:19,163
<i>♪ And I want everyone to die ♪</i>

1435
01:14:20,914 --> 01:14:25,251
<i>♪ I grab your jersey
And I squeeze it tight ♪</i>

1436
01:14:25,252 --> 01:14:27,420
<i>♪ And drink of it ♪</i>

1437
01:14:27,421 --> 01:14:32,551
<i>♪ I love the bitter stink of it ♪</i>

1438
01:14:33,802 --> 01:14:37,639
<i>♪ And slowly, I begin to rise ♪</i>

1439
01:14:39,725 --> 01:14:42,811
<i>♪ Watch me flashing through the sky ♪</i>

1440
01:14:44,188 --> 01:14:47,816
<i>♪ Oh, catch me, catch me as I fly ♪</i>

1441
01:14:49,443 --> 01:14:55,532
<i>♪ But will I ever catch your eye, eye? ♪</i>

1442
01:14:58,577 --> 01:15:02,205
<i>♪ But as I watch you on the field ♪</i>

1443
01:15:02,206 --> 01:15:03,748
<i>♪ Everybody knows ♪</i>

1444
01:15:03,749 --> 01:15:05,791
<i>♪ I just want to take you, wake you ♪</i>

1445
01:15:05,792 --> 01:15:07,835
<i>♪ I just wanna rip your clothes off ♪</i>

1446
01:15:07,836 --> 01:15:09,922
<i>♪ When I watch you on the field ♪</i>

1447
01:15:10,464 --> 01:15:11,881
<i>♪ Everybody knows ♪</i>

1448
01:15:11,882 --> 01:15:13,799
<i>♪ I just want to take you, wake you ♪</i>

1449
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,927
<i>♪ I just wanna rip your clothes off ♪</i>

1450
01:15:15,928 --> 01:15:18,346
<i>♪ When I watch you on the field ♪</i>

1451
01:15:18,347 --> 01:15:19,805
<i>♪ Everybody knows ♪</i>

1452
01:15:19,806 --> 01:15:21,849
<i>♪ I just want to take you, wake you ♪</i>

1453
01:15:21,850 --> 01:15:23,851
<i>♪ I just wanna rip your clothes off ♪</i>

1454
01:15:23,852 --> 01:15:26,354
<i>♪ When I watch you on the field ♪</i>

1455
01:15:26,355 --> 01:15:27,855
<i>♪ Everybody knows ♪</i>

1456
01:15:27,856 --> 01:15:29,815
<i>♪ I just want to take you, wake you ♪</i>

1457
01:15:29,816 --> 01:15:31,859
<i>♪ I just wanna rip your clothes off ♪</i>

1458
01:15:31,860 --> 01:15:34,320
<i>♪ When I watch you on the field ♪</i>

1459
01:15:34,321 --> 01:15:35,863
<i>♪ Everybody knows ♪</i>

1460
01:15:35,864 --> 01:15:37,823
<i>♪ I just want to take you, wake you ♪</i>

1461
01:15:37,824 --> 01:15:40,159
<i>♪ I just wanna rip your clothes ♪</i>

1462
01:15:40,160 --> 01:15:41,410
<i>♪ Catcher ♪</i>

1463
01:15:41,411 --> 01:15:45,331
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>

1464
01:15:45,332 --> 01:15:48,377
<i>♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream ♪</i>